Knock Knock: "Who's There?" "Doctor!" "Doctor Who?" "Yes, It Is!"

'How do you get into the tower?' 'You don't!'

'Time Lords! That's ridiculous. Do you wear robes and big hats?' 'No, big collars!'

'Stop it! There's no living puddles, weird robots or big fish! It's just a new house.'

'Paul, go and have a look.' 'Why me?' 'You're, physically, the biggest.' 'And the most expendable!'

'We should get The Doctor.' 'Why? What's he going to do, a lecture?'

'Do you like this music, Doctor?' 'Reminds me of Quincy Jones. I stepped in for him once. The bassist he'd hired turned out to be a Clarge Neon-Death-Voc-Bot. What was worse, he couldn't play. This is very interesting.'

'I'm scared.' 'Don't be.' 'Why not?' 'It doesn't help!'

'Mercy at last. Beautiful, isn't it? Nature contained ... We must all pay our dues.' 'Except you?' 'Yes! I am the exception.'

'They're not just in the wood, they're becoming the wood.'

'They move in, relax, go to their rooms. Then, panic. Infestation.'

'I haven't had visitors in such a long time.'

'You're the parent, you're in charge.'

'Bang goes the deposit!'

''You're being cheerful. I'm against cheerful.' 'Bill told me you went on a little adventure. You see, you don't have to go to Outer Space to find monsters. There's plenty of things want to kill you right here on Earth!'

'It's just pipes.' Gosh, that was a bit good, wasn't it? Scariest Doctor Who episode since Blink and terrific performances from Capaldi and David Suchet (who is the subject of a really good interview in this week's Radio Times, incidentally). 'Right you lot, back to the estate agents. Better luck next time.'

The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE) has described the latest episode as: 'A proper scary one from Mike Bartlett, who's a real writer, but doesn't mind slumming it with us lot,' before adding the following Sensational Yet Dull Property Fact!: 'Shot in the same house we used for the Weeping Angels house in Blink and for [the interiors of] Irene Adler's house in Sherlock: A Scandal In Belgravia.' And, y'bugger, he's dead right, it is! (If you're really interested, it's Fields House in Newport.)

Issue five hundred and twelve of the Doctor Who Magazine - out this week and available from all good newsagents ... and some bad ones - includes an exclusive interview with David Suchet who plays the enigmatic Landlord in Knock, Knock.

BBC Worldwide and Skype have this week announced the launch of the first ever Doctor Who Bot. No, this blogger has absolutely no idea what a 'bot' is, either, dear blog reader. But, apparently, it's 'a thing.' which is all the rage with 'young people' these days. Which is nice.

Cos The Doctor, he's always down wid da kidz, like.

Now, dear blog reader, we are but three weeks away from the return - after a twenty six year absence - of the cult classic Twin Peaks. This blogger just thought he'd mention it in case you'd forgotten. Plus, it gives him another excuse to post this.

As mentioned a couple of weeks ago on this blog, the latest, fifteenth - O - series of Qi is currently in production. So far, seven of the sixteen episodes have been filmed. Offices & Occupations will feature David Mitchell (who, as usual, with be funny but very angry), debutante Deirdre O'Kane and Richard Osman. Odorous has guests Nish Kumar, Wor Geet Canny Ross Noble and the lovely Sally Phillips making her first ever appearance on the popular long-running BBC comedy panel show. Oceans also features Mitchell along with Aisling Bea and Joe Lycett. Bea crops up for a second time this series in episode four, Occult, along with that unfunny twonk Russell Brand (making his first, extremely unwelcome, Qi appearance) and That Bloody Weirdo Noel Fielding. So, if you're looking for one episode this year to miss, that might be the one to go for. Organisms, the fifth episode into production, has a second appearance by Nish Kumar together with Cariad Lloyd and Holly Walsh (another alleged comedian whom this blogger finds about as funny as a itchy rash on the scrota, frankly). Openings sees a welcome return to the show for the very excellent Rich Hall on a panel with giggly Scottish small person Susan Calman and Josh Widdicombe. Finally, Objects includes another first-timer, Alice Levine along with, Cariad Lloyd and Wor Geet Canny Sarah Millican. As usual, production order is no indication whatsoever of the order in which the episodes will actually be shown. A further nine episodes will be shot over the course of May and early June with the series schedules to be broadcast on BBC2 in the Autumn (probably starting in late September or early October if last year is anything to go by).

'It's beginning to look as if the only logical conclusion is that every single copper in the force is bent.' The fourth series of BBC police drama Line Of Duty came to an end on Sunday by revealing key information about the mysterious 'Balaclava Man.' Viewers also saw what appeared to be the last of Thandie Newton's Roz Huntley, the target of AC-12's latest investigation into police corruption. Some Middle Class hippy Communist louse of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star praised the show's 'great acting and writing' while the Torygraph called it 'insanely gripping.' A fifth series of the drama has already been commissioned and the commissioning of a sixth series was announced late this week before the fifth has even started production. The drama's creator Jed Mercurio had told BBC News last week he was 'uncertain' about the possibility of a sixth series. But BBC Director General Tony Hall has now confirmed fans can look forward to at least two more outings. 'I am very excited to say there's not one but two more series of Line Of Duty.' Mercurio had previously told Radio Times: 'I certainly would make six. Whether I would go beyond six would depend on how series five went.'

The final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Three programmes broadcast, week-ending Sunday 30 April 2017:-
1 Britain's Got Toilets - Sat ITV - 8.04m
2 Line Of Duty - Sun BBC1 - 7.81m
3 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 7.20m
4 Peter Kay's Z-List Celebrity Car Share - Tues BBC1 - 6.95m
5 Emmerdale - Tues ITV - 6.88m
6 Little Boy Blue - Mon ITV - 6.72m
7 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 6.71m
8 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 6.01m
9 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 5.36m
10 All Round To Mrs Brown's - Sat BBC1 - 5.20m
11 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 5.03m
12 MasterChef - Mon BBC1 - 4.95m
13 The Durrells - Sun ITV - 4.89
14 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 4.74m
15 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.63m
16 Grantchester - Sun ITV - 4.60m
17 Have I Got News For You - Fri BBC1 - 4.59m
18 Doctor Who - Sat BBC1 - 4.58m
19 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 4.16m
20 Our Fiend Victoria - Tues BBC1 - 4.10m
21 The ONE Show - Mon BBC1 - 4.06m
22 Ten O'Clock News - Wed BBC1 - 3.99m
23 Benidorm - Wed ITV - 3.86m
These consolidated figures, published weekly by the British Audience Research Bureau, include all viewers who watched programmes live and on various forms of catch-up TV and video-on-demand during the seven days after initial broadcast. They do not, however, include those who watched on BBC's iPlayer or ITV Player via their computers. For some reason, viewing figures right across the board were well down on average this week - particularly noticeable for dramas like The Durrells, Doctor Who and Grantchester all down by around a million viewers or more on the previous week. MasterChef's four weekly episodes attracted 4.95 million, 4.81 million, 4.74 million and 4.67 million viewers respectively. BBC2's top-rated programme of the week was Bake Off: Crème De La Crème (2.52 million). That was followed by Amazing Hotels: Life Beyond The Lobby (2.33 million). The Last Kingdom was watched by 2.20 million, World Snooker Championship coverage by 1.84 million, Nature's Weirdest Events by 1.79 million, Dad's Army by 1.61 million and Versailles by 1.45 million. Coast attracted 1.19 million viewers, Second Chance Summer: Tuscany, 1.18 million, and Me & My Do: The Ultimate Contest, 1.11 million viewers. Gogglebox - 2.72 million - was, as usual, Channel Four's highest-rated broadcast. The Island With Bear Grylls followed with 1.91 million. Then came F1 Russian Grand Prix Live (1.88 million), First Dates (1.78 million), One Born Every Minute (1.55 million) and The Supervet (1.48 million). Born To Kill continued with 1.47 million, Warship, 1.24 million, How To Live Mortgage Free With Sarah Beeny, 1.17 million and Confessions of A Junior Doctor, 1.14 million. Wor Geet Canny Sarah Millican: Outsider was seen by 1.10 million and Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown, nine hundred and four thousand. The Yorkshire Vet was Channel Five's top performer with an audience of 2.11 million, ahead of Soham Revisited Fifteen Years On (1.94 million), Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away! (1.75 million), GPs: Behind Closed Doors (1.45 million), Inside The Tube: Going Underground (1.25 million), Nightmare Tenants, Slun Landlords (1.24 million) and Spectacular Spain With That Awful Polizzi Woman (1.05 million). NCIS was watched by eight hundred and sixty four thousand. Hot sexy Premier League action again dominated Sky Sports 1's top-ten. Stottingtot Hotshots giving The Arse a jolly good walloping in the North London derby was seen by 1.21 million punters whilst the game between Sheikh Yer Man City and The Scum drew 1.07 million. Coverage of Everton Versus Mosocw Chelski FC was seen by nine hundred and twenty eight thousand whilst, Moscow Chelski FC's next clash with Southampton had seven hundred and thirty nine thousand. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies confirming their promotion from the Championship by giving Preston Both Ends a good old fashioned shellacking was witnessed by four hundred and eighty three thousand delirious Geordies (and, about four people in Lancashire, probably) whilst Th' Toon's victory at Cardiff four days later attracted two hundred and eighty five thousand (the novelty of being back in the Premier League having, seemingly, worn off for a couple of hundred thousand viewers already). Live SPFL of the Old Firm derby between Glasgow Rangers and Glasgow Celtic was watched by one hundred and ninety two thousand. On Sky Sports 2, Live Indian Premier League Cricket action attracted ninety seven thousand punters whilst Live EFL League One and Notlob Wanderings victory over The Posh drew sixty six thousand. Live Russian Grand Prix drew three hundred and thirty one thousand on Sky Sports F1. Gillette Soccer Saturday was, as usual, top of the shop on Sky Sports News HQ, with six hundred and forty three thousand punters. Sky1's weekly top-ten was headed by Stan Lee's Lucky Man (six hundred and forty seven thousand viewers). Modern Family was seen by five hundred and ninety seven thousand, NCIS: Los Angeles by five hundred and ninety two thousand, Hawaii Five-0 by five hundred and sixty three thousand, Funny As A Geet Nasty Waaart On The Knackers Micky Flanagan's Thinking Aloud by four hundred and seventy nine thousand, The Blacklist: Redemption by four hundred and nineteen thousand and Inside The Freemasons by three hundred and twenty six thousand. Sky Atlantic's list was topped by the latest episode of Big Little Lies (six hundred and thirty five thousand) whilst Billions was seen by three hundred and seventy four thousand. Blue Bloods had three hundred and four thousand, Silicon Valley, two hundred and forty one thousand, This Week Tonight With John Oliver, two hundred and twenty five thousand and Veep, one hundred and eighty eight thousand. The Trip To Spain continued to lose viewers, drawing one hundred and thirty three thousand. On Sky Living, the latest episode of Elementary was seen by nine hundred and forty nine thousand whilst Criminal Minds had seven hundred and eighty seven thousand. Blindspot drew five hundred thousand, Madam Secretary, four hundred and sixty six thousand, Grey's Anatomy, four hundred and ten thousand and Scandal, three hundred and seventeen thousand. Sky Arts' Wor Geet Canny Brian Johnson's A Life On The Road was watched by ninety one thousand viewers whilst Don Letts: Dread Meets Punk Rockers drew fifty one thousand. Midsomer Murders was ITV3's top-rated drama (eight hundred and eight thousand viewers). Lewis was seen by six hundred and forty six thousand and Foyle's War by five hundred and fifty four thousand. Cycling: Tour De Yorkshire coverage headed ITV4's weekly list with three hundred and sixteen thousand punters. River Monsters was seen by two hundred and forty nine thousand whilst the - rather under-rated - movie The Bank Job had two hundred and forty one thousand. ITV2's most-watched broadcasts were for the latest episodes of the channel's pair of worthless rancid, stinking piles of fetid diarrhoea Z-List Celebrity Juice (1.34 million) and Britain's Got More Toilets (seven hundred and twenty seven thousand planks). Family Guy (seven hundred and ten thousand) and Take Me Out: The Gossip (five hundred and forty four thousand) completed ITV2's list of woeful shame. Harlots headed ITV Encore's top ten with one hundred and sixty eight thousand viewers, followed by Grantchester (fifty nine thousand), Vera (fifty three thousand) and a timely repeat of the Cilla biopic (forty seven thousand). The Only Way Is Essex was seen by nine hundred and twenty five thousand of the sort of people who enjoy such risible exercises in z-list-celebrity-by-non-entity on ITVBe. BBC4's list was topped by The Celts: Blood, Iron & Sacrifice With Alice Roberts & Scottish Neil Oliver And His Lovely Hair (five hundred and twenty thousand viewers) and When Albums Ruled The World (four hundred and eighty thousand). Next came Nature's Wonderlands: Islands Of Evolution (four hundred and thirty nine thousand), Bob Monkhouse: The Last Stand (four hundred and twenty five thousand), The Joy Of The Single (four hundred and five thousand), the movie Pioneer (four hundred thousand) and Shock & Awe: The Story of Electricity (also four hundred thousand). The Sky At Night drew three hundred and eighty seven thousand and Top Of The Pops 1983, three hundred and eighty one thousand. 5USA's Person Of Interest was viewed by six hundred and ninety one thousand viewers and NCIS by five hundred and nineteen thousand. NCIS also featured in the weekly most-watch programme lists of Channel Five, CBS Action (one hundred and three thousand), the Universal Channel (one hundred and four thousand) and FOX (eight hundred and sixty eight thousand viewers). The return of Prison Break came second in FOX's viewing figures with seven hundred and ninety seven thousand. Bull had four hundred and thirty three thousand. 24: Legacy continued with three hundred and ten thousand whilst Outcast was seen by one hundred and sixty nine thousand. The Universal Channel's Major Crimes attracted three hundred and nine thousand and Chicago Justice, two hundred and seventy three thousand. On Dave, bloody unfunny nonsense Taskmaster drew eight hundred and fifty six thousand, followed by the movie Swordfish (three hundred and fifty six thousand), wretched unfunny Gavin & Stacey (two hundred and ninety one thousand) and Not Going Out (two hundred and eighty nine thousand). Channel staples Top Gear and Qi Xl attracted two hundred and fifty one thousand and two hundred and forty thousand respectively. Drama's New Tricks was watched by five hundred and sixty six thousand viewers. Dalziel & Pascoe was seen by five hundred and sixteen thousand, The Red Tent by four hundred and eighty one thousand and The Inspector Lynley Mysteries, by four hundred and thirty seven thousand. Alibi's highest-rated programme was Murdoch Mysteries (two hundred and seventy six thousand) whilst Father Brown had one hundred and thirty five thousand, Quantico, also one hundred and thirty three thousand and The Doctor Blake Mysteries, one hundred and thirty two thousand. On the Sony Channel, Saving Hope drew seventy nine thousand, Orange Is The New Black, fifty four thousand and [spooks], forty three thousand. Yesterday's repeat run of Porridge continued with two hundred and forty seven thousand, exactly the same figure as attracted by The Queen Mary. Steptoe & Son was seen by one hundred and ninety four thousand. On the Discovery Channel, the much-trailed Cooper's Treasure was watched by one hundred and twenty one thousand viewers. Deadliest Catch had eighty seven thousand, Gold Rush, eighty thousand and Naked & Afraid seventy eight thousand punters. From The North favourite Wheeler Dealers topped the weekly lists of both Discovery Shed (twenty six thousand) and also featured in the top-ten of Discovery Turbo (thirty thousand), a list headed by Chasing Classic Cars (forty thousand). Discovery History's Hitler: Germany's Fatal Attraction headed the top ten-list with thirty one thousand. Life After Chernobyl attracted twenty eight thousand and Titanic: The Aftermath, also twenty eight thousand. Time Team's latest repeat had fifteen thousand. On Discovery Science, How It's Made was seen by forty six thousand viewers. On Quest, another episode of Wheeler Dealers was watched by two hundred and sixty six thousand. Pick's Britain's Most Evil Bastards had three hundred and one thousand and Brit Cops drew two hundred and forty one thousand. National Geographic's list was headed by the second episode of Genius with one hundred and fifty nine thousand viewers, followed by Wicked Tuna (eighty two thousand) and Nazi Underworld (sixty three thousand). National Geographic Wild's Grit: Honey Badger Tough was watched by fifty four thousand, and Bee Sting Kill by forty five thousand. National Geographic Wild having, seemingly, for this week lost its ability to broadcast programmes with titles that are, actually,in proper English. The History Channel's weekly list was topped by Vikings (one hundred and seventy seven thousand) and Forged In Fire (one hundred thousand). On Military History, Alien Files Unsealed was watched by thirty four thousand punters. Britain's Darkest Taboos, The First Forty Eight, On The Case With Paula Zahn and Escaping Polygamy were Crime & Investigation's top-rated programmes with fifty four thousand, fifty two thousand, thirty six thousand and thirty four thousand blood-and-snots-lovers, respectively. Murderisation Chose Me, Grave Secrets, Faking It: Tears Of A Crime and Murderisation Comes To Town headed Investigation Discovery's list (thirty nine thousand, thirty eight thousand, thirty seven thousand and thirty six thousand). The latest of GOLD's Absolutely Fabulous repeats had one hundred and fifty thousand. Meanwhile, Henry IX continued to shed viewers - understandable, since it's about as funny as a good hard kick in the Jacob's Cream Crackers with a hobnail boot - to such an extent that it dropped out of the Channel's top-ten completely. Comedy Central's largest audience of the week was for The Middle (two hundred and eighty three thousand). Your TV's repeat of Bones series three continued with one hundred and eight thousand. On More4, The Good Fight was the highest-rated programme with five hundred and thirty thousand. Come Dine With Me attracted three hundred and fifty one thousand punters and Selling Houses With Amanda Lamb, three hundred and forty thousand. E4's list was topped, as usual, by The Big Bang Theory, the latest episode seen by 1.87 million viewers, the largest multi-channels audience of the week although half-a-million down on the sort of figures new episodes of the popular US comedy series usually attracts. Made In Chelsea drew 1.03 million viewers and Hollyoaks, nine hundred and thirty four thousand. Sleepy Hollow, headed Syfy's top-ten with one hundred and forty two thousand. Knowing was The Horror Channel's most watched broadcast with one hundred and nine thousand in a top ten which also includes the likes of Star Trek: Voyager (eighty three thousand), The 4400 (seventy eight thousand), the woeful Lesbian Vampire Killers (also seventy eight thousand), Prom Night (seventy two thousand) and The Vatican Tapes (seventy one thousand). Vendetta For The Saint topped Talking Pictures list with thirty one thousand. The Wild Geese drew one hundred and ninety five thousand punters on Spike. Africa was watched by thirty six thousand on Eden. Pit Bulls & Parolees and Railroad Alaska were the Animal Planet's most-watched programmes with thirty nine thousand and thirty four thousand. Grimm on W attracted six hundred and sixty nine thousand punters. On the True Crime channel, Cutting Edge had ninety one thousand punters. Very Bad Men was seen by fifty six thousand. True Entertainment's M*A*S*H was seen by one hundred and forty eight thousand. The Man From U.N.C.L.E had one hundred and eleven thousand and The Avengers, one hundred and four thousand. You Gotta Eat Here attracted seventy thousand on Good Food. TLC's list was headed by Say Yes To The Prom Dress (ninety two thousand). Shameful waste-of-oxygen Geordie Shore on MTV was viewed by eight hundred and fifty seven thousand people who enjoy watching attention-seeking glakes swanning around Th' Toon like the own the gaff.

The return of former Doctor Who showrunner Russell Davies to the BBC highlights an ambitious slate of drama announced by the channel this week. Big Rusty will be heading a TV dream team along with ex-EastEnders producer Dominic Treadwell-Collins and two-time Academy Award-nominated director Stephen Frears for A Very English Scandal. The three-part drama mini-series is based on the real-life Jeremy Thorpe affair and takes place in the era just after the decriminalisation of homosexuality in the UK in the late 1960s. Jeremy Thorpe seemed destined to reach the political heights as the charismatic young leader of the Liberal Party but, beneath his veneer of confidence was a secret that he was desperate to keep hidden. Years earlier, the politician had a fling with a man named Norman Scott and, if that secret was ever revealed, it would surely end his promising political career. He saw only one solution to keeping Scott silent for good. 'I've wanted to write this story for years, ever since I was sixteen and saw it unfold on the news,' Russell said this week. 'It's probably the first gay story I ever heard. John Preston's brilliant book illuminates a vital and fascinating piece of British history.' Stephen Frears added: 'Telly's where the good stuff is – hooray!'

A Very English Scandal is merely one in a series of impressive dramas coming to BBC1 and BBC2 over the next several months. The State's Rory Haines and Sohrab Noshirvani are at work on BBC1's six-part Informer, 'the hard-hitting story of a Pakistani man forced into spying on his East London community for a Counter-Terrorism officer hiding his own secrets,' according to pre-release blurb. 'We are excited that the BBC are backing our faith in two new, hugely talented writers – Sohrab Noshirvani and Rory Haines – and their incredibly engaging, resonant story about identity and belonging,' producer Nicolas Brown said. From Humans author Joe Barton is the eight-part Giri/Haji, 'a dark family drama' about a Tokyo detective who travels to London in search of his long-lost brother whom he assumes has fallen in with The Yakuza. In addition to being broadcast on BBC1 in the UK, Giri/Haji will be premiering globally on Netflix. Producer Jane Featherstone announced: 'From the first moment Joe Barton spoke about his idea for Giri/Haji I was hooked because this series gives us an opportunity to examine our own culture and morality through the eyes of a foreigner and combines fascinating characters, glorious wit and visual flair to tell a compelling and constantly twisting crime story.'

Come Home is the latest drama from Ordinary Lies writer Danny Brocklehurst and 'questions the fallout of a mother suddenly walking away from her husband and children to try to find a more fulfilling life.' Come Home is 'a bold family drama tackling big themes of responsibility, regret and identity, unafraid of going to dark and painful places,' Brocklehurst said of the three-part drama. 'But, there is also levity, laughter and an emotional truthfulness about the difficulties of parenting. This is a drama about "home", "who we are" and how lives cannot just be walked away from. I'm delighted to be making this passion project drama with Red Productions for BBC1.' BBC2 also has some intriguing projects set up, including the semi-autobiographical Summer Of Rockets from Close To The Enemy's Stephen Poliakoff. It is a six-part series about growing up in 1957 — as the arms race loomed, rock 'n' roll burst into the public consciousness and Britain tested its first hydrogen bomb. 'Summer Of Rockets is set in the Cold War period and the series follows Samuel, a Russian born Jewish inventor and designer of bespoke hearing aids and his small family,' producer Helen Flint said. 'Samuel is approached by the MI5 to demonstrate his work. Yet it is not his inventions the operatives require – instead Samuel is tasked with the secret mission of obtaining information about his newly and proudly acquired friends Kathleen and Richard Shaw MP.'

On BBC3 - which used to be a TV channel but now, isn't - Eva O'Connor's Overshadowed is being adapted into eight episodes about 'a once-vibrant young girl called Imo,' who we find in the middle of a harrowing struggle with anorexia. 'I am so excited and thrilled that Overshadowed has been commissioned by Damian Kavanagh and Piers Wenger for BBC3 with Elizabeth Kilgarriff executive producing,' producer Kay Mellor announced. 'It is such an important, modern story of our times told in an innovative and exciting way by two young people. It has long been a dream of mine to be able to help give a voice to new writers and I am delighted to be championing Eva O'Connor and Hildegard Ryan who have something really important to say.' All of these projects are currently in the works, plus adaptations of Black Narcissus and Little Women. And, there's also a three-part series based on HG Wells' novel The War Of The Worlds which is scheduled to go into production next spring. It appears that, unlike most modern adaptations of the classic SF tale, it will be set in the Victorian era. The series will be written by Peter Harness, who adapted Susanna Clarke’s Victorian-era fantasy novel Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell for the network, as well several Doctor Who and Wallander episodes. The North-West Evening Mail quotes Mammoth Studios Managing Director of Productions, Damien Timmer, as saying that whilst the novel has been adapted many times, 'no one has ever attempted to follow Wells and locate the story in Dorking at the turn of the last century.' The project was first announced in 2015 and today's confirmation of production comes only months after the novel entered the public domain. The story follows an unnamed narrator as he watches a series of shooting stars, which turn out to be vast metal cylinders containing Martian invaders. The aliens begin a conquest of the planet, only to succumb to human diseases. Since the novel's release in 1898, there have been a number of film, television and radio adaptations, but with only one exception, most productions updated the novel to contemporary settings. The 1953 movie took place in Southern California, while the 2005 Steven Spielberg adaptation was set in New York. Even the famous 1938 radio play by Orson Welles shifted the location to the United States. Only a direct-to-video adaptation called HG Wells' The War Of The Worlds retained the period setting.

Game Of Thrones, reportedly, will continue after the main series ends in 'a series of spin-off shows.' HBO has signed a deal with novelist George RR Martin and four scriptwriters. The new Game Of Thrones series will explore different time periods of the 'vast and rich universe' created by Martin in his A Song Of Ice And Fire series. HBO has not yet set a deadline for the projects. There is still one more series of the main series to film - and, two to be broadcast - before the spin-offs can start. 'We'll take as much or as little time as the writers need and, as with all our development, we will evaluate what we have when the scripts are in,' an HBO spokeswoman said. Jane Goldman - the British co-writer of Kick-Ass - and Carly Wray, who has written for Mad Men, will work with Martin on the projects. Oscar-winning screenplay writer of LA Confidential, Brian Helgeland, and Kong: Skull Island writer, Max Borenstein, have also signed contracts to work on the shows. The seventh and penultimate Game Of Thrones series will be shown in the UK on Sky Atlantic at 2am on 17 July before being repeated at 9pm for those of us who don't have insomnia. According to broadcasters, the coming series promises 'a brutal, bloody and wintry return to Westeros.' With a plethora a tits, too. It is the latest the popular drama has been broadcast, with all previous series beginning in March or April. Executives deliberately delayed filming for series seven because they needed more 'wintry conditions.'

Finals Week is nearly upon us and the MasterChef kitchen is already heating up with anticipation. After a week of more ludicrous social media-created 'pronunciation debates', a frankly terrifying Holby City comedy sketch and the Daily Scum Express inadvertently exposing some borderline louse-scum racism among Twitter commentators, MasterChef returned on Friday to whittle the six wannabe chefs down to five with a Critics Table round. The final five are, in no particular order, Lorna, Giovanna, Alison, Saliha and Steve, who will all be battling against each other next week to get their hands on that trophy. Brodie was the one who missed out after having something of a soggy pastry 'mare. Still, in a way, they were all winners. Although, in a much more literal way, only five of them were and Brodie very definitely, you know, wasn't.

Channel Four has stuck some episodes of Four In A Bed in a cupboard and hoped that everybody forgets they ever existed after a contestant in them was jailed for child sex offences. Wales Online reports that twenty five-year-old Nathan Pearce had sex with a fifteen-year-old schoolgirl in The King's Head hotel – where he was the manager – in Llandovery and has been very jailed for thirty months. He claimed that he thought the girl was over sixteen, but she told police that she was underage 'by six or seven weeks' when they had The Sex. Channel Four's popular daytime show Four In A Bed features four different hotel owners rating each other's premises, with Pearce's hotel appearing in a week of episodes in May last year. The broadcaster has now confirmed that it will not repeat those episodes and has also removed them from catch-up service All4 following Pearce's conviction. 'The episodes featuring this man will not be shown again in the light of the criminal conviction,' commented a Channel Four spokeswoman. Pearce was found extremely guilty of three offences of sexual activity with a child and possessing thirteen indecent images of children.

ITV's chief executive that odious gnome Adam Crozier, who 'is credited with helping to turn around the broadcaster's fortunes' - according to a puke-inducing press-release, if not based on anything approaching reality - is to step down after seven years. Crozier built up ITV's production arm, reducing its reliance on shrinking advertising revenue. The company, frequently tipped as a takeover target, said that a successor will be announced 'in due course.' During the interim, ITV chairman Sir Peter Bazalgette will take on the role of executive chairman. Finance director Ian Griffiths will lead the executive team until Crozier's replacement is appointed. Bazalgette claimed in a statement that Crozier 'has made a fantastic contribution to ITV and the board is deeply indebted to him for his strong leadership and personal dedication in very successfully turning around the business and building a more global and diversified organisation with real scale in key creative markets around the world.' Crozier - a former boss of the Football Association and Royal Mail, both of which he buggered up right good and proper - said: 'Having spent twenty one years as a chief executive across four very different industries, I now feel that the time is right for me to move to the next stage of my career and to build a portfolio of roles across the PLC and private sectors.' ITV said that the company's revenue 'from sources other than advertising' had more than doubled to almost £1.9bn in 2016, more than half of its total. The broadcaster is seen as a possible takeover target in an industry that is consolidating as viewers increasingly watch content on demand and on different platforms. US media group Liberty Global, which owns a fraction under ten per cent of ITV, had been tipped as a potential bidder, although it has previously said it did not want to buy the broadcaster.

Peter Kay has said there will be no more episodes of Car Share. Series two of the wretchedly unfunny - but, bafflingly popular - sitcom reached its climax on BBC1 this week, but many fans had already seen the finale on BBC iPlayer and knew what happened between John and Kayleigh. Kay told BBC Radio Manchester there will be no series three or Christmas specials. Asked whether John would ever switch from Forever FM to Radio Manchester, Kay replied: 'There's not going to be a series three so it won't ever happen.' He added: 'You've got to get out while the going's good.' Viewers had been waiting throughout series two to find out whether John - played by Kay - finally got together with his passenger Kayleigh, played by Sian Gibson. Kay said: 'I am absolutely delighted and overwhelmed by everybody's support and the fact that everyone's loved it so much has been wonderful for everyone who's made it, but you're better quitting while you're ahead. There's only so much you can do in a car and the last thing you want to do is ruin it because I think it's a lovely thing. It's been wonderful working with Sian, who's one of my closest friends in the world. We have a good laugh but I think sometimes you've got to just leave things. You need good ideas - that's the problem. You need good strong stories. A lot of series tend to go on for one series too many, especially with comedies, and I think people say "ooh, it's gone off, that." If you're struggling and you just get a sense when you're writing that you might be running out of ideas, that's when I think you should walk away.' Kay, who also co-wrote and directed Car Share, also revealed he has had the opportunity to make more of his Channel Four comedy Phoenix Nights - but hasn't got around to it. He said: 'I love Phoenix Nights and I would love to go back. I've got a lot of ideas about Phoenix Nights. In fact there's a whole series three [that has] been written for about fifteen years but so many things get in the way in life like touring and being a father. Real life continues and Car Share takes about a year to make and edit.'

The BBC is to revive the Tomorrow's World brand for a year-long season of science and technology programmes. Fondly remembered by TV fans 'of a certain age', Tomorrow's World ran for almost forty years on BBC1 from 1965 until it was axed in 2003. Its name is being used as an umbrella for what the Director General, Tony Hall, said was the 'biggest scientific partnership' the corporation had ever done. The Tomorrow's World Season will bring together institutions such as the Science Museum and the Royal Society and broadcast a series of programmes. These include Britain's Greatest Invention – a live BBC2 show in June in which the public will be asked to vote on which invention has 'contributed the most to British life.' Other programmes include Stephen Hawking: Expedition New Earth, in which the physicist explores the race for a human colony in space; Horizon: Being Transgender and BBC4's Fixing The Future: The Great Village Green War, which will look at renewable energy. Meanwhile, BBC Learning will examine how artificial intelligence can be used to see the science behind the perfect selfie. The Tomorrow's World brand will also be used for a digital hub, which will be updated daily and feature content from the BBC's partners. The hub will provide for the 'first time ever a digital space where the best of UK science can come together,' said Hall. Part of the Science Museum in London will also be branded. Speaking alongside Hall at the museum for the launch, the people's scientist Professor Brian Cox (no, the other one) said that Tomorrow's World was somewhere where 'institutions in the country could come together to make Britain a better place to do science' in the face of 'a crisis of confidence.' Although the BBC said that it had no plans to bring back Tomorrow's World as a programme, Cox said Tomorrow's World, as well as Top Of The Pops, had 'inspired' him as a child. Tomorrow's World presenters like Raymond Baxter, James Burke, William Woollard, Michael Rodd and Judith Hann became household names and the show's light mix of technology news and predictions of the future of science made it a hit. Cox said it was right for the BBC to be shining a light on science and tech as it was one of the institutions 'charged with being the bridge' between the public and academia. Other shows to be broadcast as part of the Tomorrow's World Season include BBC2's Toughest Job In The Universe – which follows an astronaut selection process – and a BBC4 study into what can be done to combat the rise of resistance to antibiotics in Fixing The Future: Michael Mosley Versus The Superbugs. There will also be a Tomorrow's World podcast, Facebook Live question-and-answer sessions with some of Britain's most eminent scientists and innovations on social media including using technology and data to explore what people's Instagram accounts and science can reveal about them. Hall explained: 'Whether it's the rise of robotics or the demise of antibiotics, travelling to Mars or the arrival of 3D printed food. Science is changing the world at an extraordinary pace. The campaign will connect audiences with the brightest minds and institutions in science and technology, producing more than forty hours of television, a range of programmes across our radio networks, a series of podcasts an digital offerings, made in collaboration with partners, including the Science Museum Group, Wellcome, The Open University and the Royal Society.'

Sir Cliff Richard and the BBC have agreed to try to reach a settlement over coverage of a police raid on the singer's home. Lawyers told a High Court judge on Friday that both sides had agreed to pause the legal fight for one month. Richard is suing the BBC and South Yorkshire Police over coverage of the 2014 raid. Lawyers for the singer previously said that he had suffered 'profound and long-lasting' damage from the incident. Mr Justice Mann, who has been overseeing the preliminary hearings at the High Court in London, indicated that he would 'review matters' in the near future.Richard was investigated over historical sexual assault allegations, which he denied and the case was later dropped by the Crown Prosecution Service in June last year because of insufficient evidence. The singer is reported to be seeking 'very substantial compensation' - of licence fee payers money - because, he claims, the coverage of the raid at his apartment in Sunningdale, invaded his privacy. BBC editors have previously apologised for any distress caused but have said that they will 'defend ourselves vigorously.' A spokeswoman said that the BBC had reported Sir Cliff's 'full denial of the allegations at every stage.' South Yorkshire Police grovellingly apologised 'wholeheartedly for the additional anxiety caused' by the force's 'initial handling of the media interest' in its investigation into the singer.

An Australian MP has found to his cost that an outburst of laughter does not sit well with a mouthful of food. Graham Perrett is reported to have laughed so hard while watching an episode of the US political satire Veep that he choked on his sushi, knocked himself out and fell against a kitchen top. The federal Labour MP, who represents Moreton in Queensland, was left with a black eye and three stitches. He was later consoled on Twitter by some of the cast of the popular sitcom. Perrett's mishap was first reported in the Strewth column of The Australian newspaper. It said that the MP praised medical staff who looked after him but was 'worried' that some voters might be 'put off' by his appearance. 'I'm losing votes every time I show my face,' he allegedly told the newspaper. Perrett later told BBC 5Live that he had just laughed at the wrong time. 'It is a pretty funny show. Some rice went down my airway and I started coughing and choking and laughing at the same time,' he said. 'I ran out of the room, I think I hit a wall and then the kitchen island with a granite top. My wife came in and I was on the floor. I was knocked out for a second or so and there was blood everywhere. She took me up the hospital. I was in a lot of pain but I was laughing as well. It was just one of those bizarre accidents.' Veep actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus was among those who responded on Twitter, which delighted Perrett. 'I hate to say it is my political highlight but I do feel like just dropping the microphone and walking away after Julia Louis-Dreyfus responded to my tweet and wished me well,' he said. It is not the first time the hit TV series has inadvertently made its way into Australian politics. Last year Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull campaigned under the slogan 'continuity and change' - strikingly similar to that used by a presidential hopeful in an earlier season of Veep. The show's creators expressed 'shock' at the 'coincidence.'

One of the women accusing former FOX News presenter Bill O'Reilly of sexual harassment and general naughtiness is to meet Ofcom next week, as the growing scandal at billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch's US media empire threatens its proposed takeover of Sky in Europe. Wendy Walsh, a former guest on FOX's The O'Reilly Factor, alleges that the TV host reneged on a job offer after she declined to join him in his hotel suite for the purposes of some hot-umbongo-sex-action. The psychologist and radio host claims that after she declined the invitation she lost her regular segment on FOX. Walsh and Lisa Bloom, a lawyer representing Walsh and other women who have made allegations against O'Reilly, are to meet the UK media regulator on Monday. Walsh is one of five women who have accused O'Reilly of inappropriate behaviour and have since settled with the company for vast piles of filthy lucre. The regulator is investigating whether Murdoch's £11.7bn takeover of Sky would give him too much control of UK news media and whether or not he is 'a fit and proper' person to run a piss-up in a brewery. Bloom wrote to Ofcom last month, linking the scandal at Twenty First Century FOX and the bid to take over the sixty one per cent of Sky that billionaire tyrant Murdoch doesn't already own. In the letter, Bloom accused FOX News of having 'an utter disregard for the rights of women' and creating 'a toxic culture.' She said: 'FOX's failure to intervene to protect the rights of its female journalists, its secret payouts and use of intimidation tactics are reminiscent of Rupert Murdoch's tabloid phone-hacking scandal in 2011,' when it emerged that disgraced and disgraceful Scum of the World reporters had hacked the voicemail of murdered schoolgirl Milly Dowler among others. 'The similarities between the current harassment scandal and the phone-hacking scandal reveal the company's approach to business and management – a lack of oversight, intervention and decency.' Clark and Bloom's meeting with Ofcom comes as allegations of sexual and racial discrimination at Twenty First Century FOX deepen. A lawyer representing twenty alleged victims of alleged gender and race discrimination and harassment at FOX News has also been invited for talks with Ofcom next Thursday after writing to the media regulator about Twenty First Century FOX's proposed takeover of Sky. Douglas Wigdor, a partner at law firm Wigdor, said: 'I am pleased that Ofcom has invited me to appear in London next week on behalf of our twenty clients and look forward to sharing the information that I have come to learn about Twenty First Century FOX through the dedicated men and women that I am privileged to represent.' On Monday, Bill Shine, the network's co-president and a long-time lieutenant of the ousted chief executive Roger Ailes, left the company. His departure follows the exits of O'Reilly and Ailes, both amid charges that they harassed women. Shine was not accused of harassment, but there were questions over what he knew about the network's workplace atmosphere. In the UK, senior politicians, including the former Labour leader Ed Milimolimandi and the ex-business secretary Vince Cable, have been outspoken critics of billionaire tyrant Murdoch's proposed takeover. Ofcom is due to publish its decision on two Sky investigations by 20 June. During its investigation after billionaire tyrant Murdoch's previous attempt to take over Sky in 2010, which was derailed by the Scum of the World phone-hacking scandal, Ofcom found that Sky remained a fit and proper owner of a broadcast licence. However, it published a scathing assessment of James Murdoch The Small, the then-chief executive of his father's UK newspaper group and chair of Sky, finding that his conduct had repeatedly fallen short of the standards expected. The political fallout ultimately resulted in billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch extremely withdrawing his bid and James Murdoch The Small standing down as chairman of Sky and quitting the UK newspaper business to run FOX, the film and TV operation, from the US. James Murdoch The Small is now chief executive of Fox and chair of Sky. After the failure of the previous bid, billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch spun off the publishing and newspaper assets into a separate company, News Corp, and film and TV into Twenty First Century FOX, with independent boards, in part as a corporate governance measure to facilitate another tilt at Sky. In a letter sent to the lack of culture secretary, the vile and odious rascal Bradley, during the ten-day period she had to review whether to refer the bid to Ofcom, FOX argued that in the six years since the aborted bid, the media landscape had 'changed beyond recognition.' It said that media plurality was 'flourishing' with the rise of digital rivals, such as Google and Facebook and news distributors and outlets, such as Vice, BuzzFeed and The Huffington Post, while newspaper sales declined. FOX also argues that splitting the publishing and TV and film operations into two companies solves corporate governance, competition and plurality issues. A spokesman for Twenty First Century FOX told the Gruniad Morning Star: 'Twenty First Century FOX has taken prompt and decisive action to address allegations of sexual harassment and workplace issues at FOX News.' One or two people even believed them.

Police in the Republic of Ireland are reported to have launched an investigation after a viewer claimed comments made by Stephen Fry on a TV show were blasphemous. Officers are understood to be examining whether Stephen committed a criminal offence under the Defamation Act when he appeared on RTE in 2015. He had asked why he should 'respect a capricious, mean-minded, stupid god who creates a world.... full of injustice.' Which, you know, is a question probably well worth asking. He later said that he was not being 'offensive towards any particular religion.' According to a report in the Irish Independent newspaper, no publicised cases of blasphemy have been brought before the courts since the law was first introduced in 2009 and an alleged 'source'allegedly said that it was 'highly unlikely' any prosecution against Fry would take place. Which makes all this a bit of a non-story, really. Appearing on The Meaning Of Life, hosted by Gay Byrne - which used to be a crime in Eire but no longer is - in February 2015, Stephen had been asked what he might say to God at the gates of Heaven. He replied: 'I'd say "How dare you create a world in which there is such misery? It's not our fault? It's not right. It's utterly, utterly evil. Why should I respect a capricious, mean-minded, stupid God who creates a world which is so full of injustice and pain?' He went on to say that Greek Gods 'didn't present themselves as being all seeing, all wise, all beneficent,' adding 'the God who created this universe, if it was created by God, is quite clearly an utter maniac, totally selfish.' The Irish Independent reported that a lone member of the public snitched to garda like a filthy stinking Copper's Nark in the same month the programme was broadcast. He was recently contacted by a detective to say that they were 'looking into' his complaint. Tragically, the Irish Independent did not take the opportunity to name and thoroughly shame the individual concerned which, some might regard as an opportunity missed. The dirty snitch, the newspaper claim, was not said to be offended himself but, nevertheless, believed that Fry's comments qualified as blasphemy under the law. Which, if true, frankly makes this an obscene waste of police time when they could be out, you know, arresting criminals. The law prohibits people from publishing or uttering 'matter that is grossly abusive or insulting in relation to matters held sacred by any religion, thereby causing outrage among a substantial number of the adherents of that religion.' Which is, of course, a ridiculously vague and does not take into account how prissy and thin-skinned many professional offence-takers in most religions can be. As, indeed in the interests of balance, can many in the agnostic and atheist communities, just to prove this blog is an equal-opportunity giver of offence where it's jolly well deserved. The Irish government said at the time it was needed because the republic's 1937 constitution only gives Christians legal protection of their beliefs.

An eighty-ninth minute 'twenty five yard screamer' from The Aston Villains' Jack Grealish gave The Villains a draw against already promoted Brighton & Hove Albinos and meant that yer actual Keith Telly Toping's beloved (though unsellable) Mapgies are the 2017 Championship Champions by but one point. Th' Toon needed to achieve a better result than The Albinos and did so thanks to a three-nil home victory against yer actual Barnsley. Ayoze Perez, Chancel Mbemba and Dwight Gayle scored for United, but it was Grealish's late strike which, ultimately, sealed The Magpies' title. It was a comfortable win for Rafael Benitez's side - yet it looked like it would not be enough to seal the top spot, after Glenn Murray's penalty had put league leaders Brighton in front at Villa Park. However, despite being down to ten-men following Nathan Baker's red card, Grealish beat Brighton's keeper David Stockdale to send The Magpies above The Seagulls in the table. Stockdale who was at fault for the goal, ironically, had used several interviews in recent weeks (like this one, for instance) to criticise those who dared to suggest that Brighton would 'bottle it' in the race for the Championship.

This blogger has to say that, normally, he loathes The Aston Villains and their notoriously fickle and angry fans and everything that they stand for. Keith Telly Topping had a couple of very bad experiences as an away fan at Villa Park in the Eighties and Nineties. They're one of a handful of clubs that he always watches for their results and wants to see lose - badly - directly because of such past indignities (others include Sheffield United, Wolverhampton Wanderings, Wigan Not-Very-Athletic and Dirty Stoke along with, needless to say, The Mackems and The Smoggies). Except for today, obviously. One also rather felt from The Albinos, it has to be said and, especially, for their manager, Chris Hughton, who still has a lot of friends in the North East after his managing Newcastle to the last time they won the Championship, in 2010 and who proved what a class act he is by congratulating Newcastle on winning the league despite his own, obvious, disappointment. Still, by a huge distance, the best two footballing sides in the Championship have gone up to the Premier League and that's the way it should be. Under Rafa The Gaffer, Newcastle brought twelve players to the club after relegation to the Championship last summer, with Matt Ritchie and Gayle moving down a division to sign five-year deals. More than fifty million smackers was spent in transfer fees durig the summer - although that was more than offset by the sales of various lazy glakes like Andros Townsend, Moussa Sissoko and Georginio Wijnaldum among others. Nevertheless, The Magpies were still under huge pressure to achieve immediate promotion - a feat which they managed with two games to spare despite losing the first two games of the season. Benitez's side have battled with Brighton throughout the season for top spot, but since The Seagulls achieved promotion on 17 April they have dropped off the pace dramatically. Ultimately it was three straight wins for Newcastle and three matches without a win for Hughton's side that told, giving Th' Toon the perfect end to the campaign.
      At the bottom, the three-way fight to avoid the final relegation place was very lost by Blackburn Vindaloos, despite a three-one win at Brentford. Nottingham Forest's home victory over Ipswich and Birmingham's narrow win at Bristol City condemned the Vindaloos to life in League One next season. It was, truth be told, a bit of a bugger as to which of the three teams fighting for the last relegation place this blogger wanted to go down. He really dislikes Forest, another place where this blogger once var nigh got his head kicked in for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and, especially, after that utterly criminal alleged 'win' over our lot last December when Henri Lansbury - ironically, now playing for The Aston Villains - cheated a disgracefully incompetent referee into sending two of our lot off (both, subsequently overturned on appeal, not that this changed the result, of course). But, that said, Keith Telly Topping has a good mate who is a big Forest fan and there's still a bit of residual respect hung-over from The Cloughie Years. This blogger is, usually, okay with Birmingham ... except that they've now got Hapless Harry Redknapp as their manager. Plus, Jasper Carrott's a big fan so, you know, demotion to the National League would be too good for 'em under any normal circumstances. Blackburn Vindaloos, frankly, deserve everything they get for the outrageously poor way the club has been run by its absentee owners during the last few years. But, Matt Smith's a big fan and one would never want poor old Smudger to suffer. In the end, though, it was a bad day for Smudger.

Finally, one has to wonder if that was the real Championship trophy or whether they had two - both, presumably, replicas - one at St James and one at Villa Park in case of either eventuality?

The Football League has written to Huddersfield to 'request their observations regarding team selection' for last Saturday's two-nil defeat by Birmingham City. The Terriers made ten changes for the trip to St Andrew's having sealed a Championship play-off place, but the EFL said that the result would stand. Blackburn Vindaloos manager Tony Mowbray later questioned Huddersfield's line-up. Blackburn, who currently occupy the final relegation place, are two points behind Harry Redknapp's Blues - that's Birmingham, incidentally, not a Muddy Waters b-side - with one game to play. The EFL said in a statement: 'We have today written to Huddersfield Town to request their observations in relation to team selection during their recent Championship match with Birmingham City and, as per our regulations, the EFL executive will refer the matter to the board if it is deemed appropriate to do so. It should be noted, however, that the result of Saturday's game will stand in all circumstances and any potential action would be taken against Huddersfield Town directly.' Blackpool and Wolverhampton Wanderings were both fined for fielding much-changed teams in League matches in 2010 and 2009 respectively.

The Football Association will trial 'sin bins' in the lower leagues of English football from next season. The FA plans to introduce what it calls 'temporary dismissals' in England's step seven - six tiers below the National League - and the leagues below it. They will only apply to yellow cards shown for dissent and will see players leave the field for ten minutes to sit on The Naughty Step. It will also be tested in Sunday League and male and female youth football. More than one thousand clubs received e-mails over the weekend asking if they were willing to be part of the pilot process. What will happen to those who say no is not, at this stage, known. However, as an incentive, clubs are normally charged a ten quid fine for each yellow card they receive but the FA will not be charging this administration fee for those that participate. Step seven is the bottom level of English football's National League System, which feeds into the country's professional leagues.

Blunderland manager - for the moment, anyway - David Moyes has been given more time to respond to a Football Association charge for telling BBC reporter Vicki Sparks she might 'get a slap.' Moyes was extremely charged with bringing the game into disrepute with his comments after the game against Burnley in March. He was initially given until 6pm on 3 May to respond but the fifty four-year-old requested more time. To get his story straight, presumably. The Scot now has until 10 May to respond or to cough up to his guilt and take the punishment due like a man. Moyes' comments came after an interview in which he was asked by Vicki whether the presence of Blunderland's absentee owner, Ellis Short, in the ground had put extra pressure on Moyes. He said 'no' but, after the interview, added that Vicki 'might get a slap even though you're a woman' and that she should be 'careful' next time she visited The Stadium Of Plight. What a total hero he is, threatening a woman just for doing her job. Class act, Mister Moyes. The Mackems were battling against relegation at the time but their drop into the Championship was confirmed after a home defeat by Bournemouth on Saturday.

Meanwhile, both Blunderland and Bournemouth have both been extremely charged with failing to control their players in last Saturday's Premier League match at The Stadium Of Plight. The Football Association charge relates to an incident in the seventy sixth minute of Bournemouth's one-nil win, which saw Blunderland very relegated. The clubs 'failed to ensure that their players conducted themselves in an orderly fashion,' the FA said. They have until 6pm on 5 May to respond to the charge. Players from both sides were involved in 'an altercation' when Blunderland's Fabio Borini challenged Bournemouth defender Lewis Cook from behind. There followed a geet rive on with kids gettin' sparked and aal sorts. Borini and Bournemouth midfielder Harry Arter were shown yellow cards, the latter for his reaction to the foul.

Matias Dituro is the goalkeeper of Bolivian club Bolivar. His duty is to protect the goal, try and get clean sheets and lead his team at the back. But he can also score goals. The Argentine goalkeeper scored for his club in a win over San Jose last week by punting the ball from his own box into the open goal at the other end of the field. Take a look here.

Mind you, if you think that's good, check out Oscarine Masuluke, the goalkeeper for Baroka FC in South Africa's top-flight, scoring a quite stunning overhead kick in the ninety sixth minute of their game against Orlando Pirates. Tasty! The goalkeeper was sent forward for a late corner to try and savage something from the match, which Baroka were losing one-nil at the time. With the set piece only half cleared, Masuluke was first to the loose ball and, with his back to goal, launched himself into the air to score spectacularly.

Sky Sports really should have had a bit of a rethink concerning the abbreviations that they used for Saturday's game between Hartlepool United and Doncaster Rovers which, despite a battling two-one win, still saw the Monkey Hangers relegated from the Football League after ninety six years in residence. (This blogger is indebted to Chris Orton for both the observation and the screengrab.)

Everton winger Aaron Lennon was detained under the Mental Health Act by police over concerns for his welfare earlier in the week. The thirty-year-old was taken to hospital 'for assessment' after police were called to Salford on Sunday. Lennon is now 'receiving care and treatment for a stress-related illness,' his club has said. The England international, who joined Everton from Stottingtot Hotshots in 2015, has not played for the first team since February. Greater Manchester Police said: 'Police were called at around 4.35pm to reports of a concern for the welfare of a man on Eccles Old Road. Officers attended and a thirty-year-old man was detained under section one hundred and thirty six of the Mental Health Act and was taken to hospital for assessment.'

Around fifty thousand people in Hannover will be evacuated from their homes on Sunday whilst experts defuse five World War Two bombs. The operation is the second largest of its kind carried out in Germany and will affect around a tenth of the city's population. The buildings set to be evacuated include seven care homes, a clinic and a Continental tire plant. Officials hope those affected will be able to return home by the evening. The evacuations will begin at 9am and residents have been advised to take necessary items like medication with them when they leave, as well as turning off gas and electrical appliances. Rail travel may also be hit by delays after early afternoon, The Local reported. The city has set up a programme of museum tours, children's films and sporting events to help those being evacuated spend the day 'as pleasantly as possible.' Tens of thousands of soup portions are also being prepared, according to the German news agency DPA.

What began as a humble monument for fallen veterans in Minnesota has turned into a battle over free speech. And soon, a memorial featuring a kneeling solder praying over a grave marked with a cross at the Veterans Memorial Park in Belle Plaine will share space with a Satanic, black cube with inverted pentagrams, a soldier's helmet and a plaque honouring veterans who died in battle. Both monuments will be placed in a newly designated 'limited open forum' space where private citizens or groups can apply to put temporary monuments, as long as they honour veterans. The 'free speech space,' was created by the city council after the Freedom From Religion Foundation threaten to sue the city for allowing the display of a religious symbol on public land. 'They said it was a violation of the first amendment,' said Mike Votca, city administrator of Belle Plaine. 'We knew that our policy is going to be inclusive of anyone and any group could be a part of that.' The second application received and approved by the city was from the Satanic Temple in Salem, Massachusetts. 'The application meets the criteria of the city policy, so it's approved to be in place,' said Votca. Doug Mesner - who uses the pseudonym Lucian Greaves - is the founder of the Satanic Temple and its 'non-profit group' Reason Alliance. He says that the group does not worship Satan, per se, which Satan is obviously not happy about, but its rather 'a non-theistic, religious group that venerates the mythological narrative construct of the ultimate rebel against tyranny, best embodied, by Satan.' So, that clears that up, then.

A Texas judge is facing a call for her suspension by a state ethics commission that claims she 'habitually' bought prescription cough syrup on the black market, took marijuana that her bailiff seized from a defendant and paid female prostitutes for sex. So, just a normal Saturday night round Stately Telly Topping Manor, then? Hilary Green is a justice of the peace in Harris County with jurisdiction over minor misdemeanours punishable by up to a five hundred dollar fine, a good old fashioned spanking or civil matters with not more than then thousand bucks at stake. She has presided over the court since June 2007 and retained the position through three elections, winning more than eighty percent of the vote in November 2016, despite media coverage of her rather messy divorce from former Houston Controller Ronald Green that she filed for in April 2014. The State Commission on Judicial Conduct filed a motion to suspend Green without pay with the Texas Supreme Court on Wednesday, a request largely based on the lurid testimony provided her ex-lover Claude Barnes. Green had a five-year extramarital affair with Barnes that ended in the autumn of 2015, according to Barnes' deposition before the executive director of the judicial conduct commission. Barnes admitted in the deposition that he filed a complaint about Green with the commission in December 2015 'out of spite' because she led him to believe she wanted to have 'an exclusive relationship' with him after she finalised her divorce, but then 'caught her cheating' and said that she had 'unprotected sex with numerous partners' behind his back. 'In January of 2010, I witness [sic] Judge Hilary Green smoke marijuana and illegally purchase Tussionex several times. Between 2011 I also witness [sic] her pay for sex from female escorts and consume the street drug ecstasy,' Barnes wrote in his complaint, using the brand name of the cough syrup he says Green became addicted to over the course of their fling. Whether Barnes himself will be charged with murder of the English language is not currently know. Barnes also said in his deposition that he got a bottle of cough syrup for Green 'six to eight times' from 2010 to 2014, from his former co-worker, who 'jacked up the price' from four hundred and sixty dollars to six hundred per bottle.

A Danish brewery is reportedly drawing on fifty thousand litres of urine collected from Roskilde, the largest music festival in Northern Europe in producing a novelty beer 'aimed at the more adventurous drinker.' The beer named Pisner - a word-play combining pilsner with local slang for urine - contains 'no human waste,' but is produced 'from fields of malting barley fertilised with human urine' rather than traditional animal manure or factory-made plant nutrients.

A woman swallowed seven thousand US dollars in 'a desperate attempt to hide the cash during a fight with her husband,' it was reported. Albeit, reported by the Daily Mirra so, you know, it's probably crap. The thirty-year-old woman swallowed rolls of one hundred bills, according to surgeons who removed the money from her stomach. The Colombian woman told the local RCN television channel she had saved up the money for a holiday with her husband after having sold several electrical household items. She ate the money, she claimed, 'in a desperate effort to hide it from her husband whom she suspected of cheating on her.' Doctors said they were able to surgically extract fifty seven one hundred dollar bills from the woman's stomach and intestines.

Landlords never know what they will find left behind after tenants have been evicted. In Pennsylvania, renters reportedly abandoned two alligators. The landlord called a local animal rescuer for help. Urgently, one imagines. Dan Rossi, with Humane Animal Rescue, hadn't rescued a gator in three years, but he took the reptiles in and is currently evaluating the best way to re-home them. And, to make it snappy. What? What?! 'It is legal to own them in the state of Pennsylvania, so we may adopt them out. We may transport them to another state and release them if that's another appropriate decision to made on them, Rossi said. Pittsburgh regulates exotic animal ownership and a local adopter would need the right permit. Rossi said that the original owners 'may' be able to reclaim the animals.

The Canadian Food Inspection Agency is issuing a nation-wide recall warning for one-litre bottles of Bombay Sapphire London Dry Gin. At least five provincial liquor control agencies previously recalled the bottles of gin because they contain more alcohol than the amount stated on the label. The Liquor Control Board of Ontario - for, there is, indeed, such a body - was the first to remove the affected product from all of its stores. The Crown corporation said that the recall was initiated after an investigation by its quality assurance team found the gin's alcohol content was seventy seven per cent, instead of the forty per cent declared on the label. In a statement, the CFIA suggested the recalled gin should be thrown out or returned to the store where it was purchased.

A woman who was charged with disorderly conduct for laughing during the confirmation of US Attorney General Jeff Sessions has been found very guilty and could face up to a year in prison. Desiree Fairooz has been convicted for laughing early in Sessions' confirmation hearing after Alabama Senator Richard Shelby said that the future Attorney General's record of 'treating all Americans equally under the law is clear and well documented.' She has been convicted alongside two other protesters who had donned Ku Klux Klan costumes during the confirmation hearing. Those two protesters could also face up to a year in prison. The conviction comes after a two-day trial in the United States Superior Court in Washington. Fairooz told the New York Times that she is 'really disappointed' and that her lawyer are planning on filing post-trial motions to have the verdict cast aside. It is too early to discuss an appeal she says.

Police in a small Virginia city are investigating a spate of unexplained cat shavings that have been occurring since December. At least seven cats in a neighbourhood of Waynesboro have been victimised by some sick individuals. The animals have been shaved without their owners' permission, according to the Roanoke Times.

A twelve-year-old chess champion in Malaysia was forced to withdraw from a youth tournament in the country after tournament organisers deemed her knee-length dress 'too seductive,' the girl's coach has claimed. The tournament director of the National Scholastic Chess Championship held 14 to 16 April made the call personally, the coach noted, after finding the dress to be 'temptation.' 'We found this statement completely out of line!' youth chess coach Kaushal Khandhar wrote on Facebook. He said the incident left his student feeling 'extremely disturbed and embarrassed.'

Florida authorities have charged a very naughty lady with prostitution after she agreed to perform a sex act on an undercover detective for twenty five dollars and some chicken McNuggets. The Bradenton Herald reports twenty two-year-old Alex Direeno was being held on Sunday at the Manatee County Jail on charges of possession of drug paraphernalia and outstanding warrants. Records show that the incident occurred last week. An undercover detective told the woman that he wanted oral sex and she agreed to do so. As they briefly negotiated on the price, she finally agreed to perform the act for twenty five dollars and an order of chicken McNuggets, officials said. The Manatee County Sheriff's Office report did not indicate the exact number of McNuggets involved in the deal. Direeno was also charged with 'engage/commit/offer lewdness – first offence,' according to the Manatee County Jail website.

Police came to the aid of a pizza courier who crashed his car in the German town of Gaggenau, by reportedly completing his delivery. The forty six-year-old driver hit another car early on Saturday. Both drivers required hospital treatment. In a statement, police said that after 'dealing with the accident' the officers were able to hand over the 'shaken but still edible pizzas' to the customers.

The mother of a seven-year-old boy getting his haircut in Ohio allegedly pulled a gun on the barber because she thought it was taking too long, according to a police report. Investigators are still trying to identify the woman involved in the 14 April incident at the Allstate Barber College in Ohio City.

Manitoba's public insurance company has revoked a Star Trek: The Next Generation-inspired custom licence plate after receiving complaints that it's offensive. Nick Troller's two-year-old plate reads 'ASIMIL8.' Troller keeps it inside a licence plate holder that says: 'WE ARE THE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.' He says Trekkers will recognise that it is a reference to the cyborg villains who bellowed 'you will be assimilated' on various Star Trek series and movies. He said that 'strangers' have complimented him on the plate and taken photos. 'I thought it was funny,' he said. But Troller received a phone call on Wednesday from someone at Manitoba Public Insurance whom, he claims, told him that 'two people' had complained the word 'assimilate' is offensive to indigenous people.

Claims have been made that accused Australian drug-smuggler Cassie Sainsbury fled her home town after racking up a sizeable debt. Which is bad but, arguably, being banged up in a Columbian nick is worse. Sainsbury allegedly owes tens of thousands of dollars from her failed gym, Yorke's Fitness, on the Yorke Peninsula, according residents who spoke to 7 News. The Australian reported that the debt was from unpaid rent for the gym. The personal trainer opened the business in 2015 but it closed six months later. Residents told 7 News that Sainsbury vanished from town after the gym failed, leaving the 'massive debt in her wake.' Sainsbury was extremely arrested at an airport in Bogota on 12 April after over five kilograms of cocaine was, allegedly, found inside eighteen headphone sets in her suitcase. CCTV pictures have since emerged of her leaving her hotel with the bags in question. Yorketown florist Lyn Gates snitched to news.com.au like a Copper's Nark that Sainsbury 'disappeared overnight' from Yorketown, taking gym equipment with her. 'When she left town, there was rent owing on the premises,' Gates alleged. 'All of a sudden, she just took off and not paid — nicked — the rent and the equipment just disappeared.' Oh, top bit of snitching there, Mister Gates. Sainsbury was, according to Gates, 'known around the town as a scallywag and a naughty girl' who had also worked in the local Yorke Hotel as a barmaid. A school 'friend', Steph Bajcarz told Seven: 'She didn't pay her rent for a really long time and it could be in the thousands. She just kind of shut it [the business] down and she said she was changing careers.' An 'unnamed' local woman also snitched to The Advertiser that Sainsbury left town suddenly while still owing money to several people. Sainsbury's father, Stuart, defended his daughter, claiming that she was 'innocent' and had been 'set up' by a Colombian man she met on 3 April during a working holiday in the country. 'I don't believe she was a drug mule, she's just my kid. What parent thinks of their kid as a drug mule?' Sainsbury told the Nine Network. The Australian Department of Foreign Affairs & Trade has visited Sainsbury inside Bogota's hellish El Buen Pastor prison and provided her with names of lawyers. And, don't make any travle plans for the next twenty years, one imagines. 'Our diplomats are there to assist her in any way we can but I must stress there are limitations to what we can do once she's subject to the laws of another country,' Foreign Minister Julie Bishop told reporters in Adelaide on Wednesday. It would 'not be helpful' for her to 'speculate' on emerging details of the arrest, Bishop said. 'But, it is a stark reminder that when you leave Australia you are subject to the laws of the country that you’re visiting,' she said.

Police are reported to have arrested a woman after she shot at a fourteen-year-old boy who was, allegedly, raping her neighbour's dog. Kerrie Lenkerd told officers in Centerton, Arkansas, that she had spotted the young man assaulting the dog from her bedroom window. She added that this was the second time he had done it so she decided to shoot at the grass to 'scare him off.' This caused the teenager to 'run for it' in his boxers and shirt, according to witnesses. When police arrived at the scene on 17 April they confiscated a Smith and Wesson nine millimetre handgun from Lenkerd and arrested her for aggravated assault. Her lawyer Shane Wilkinson said she had been careful when using the weapon.

A teenager from Louisiana could be facing three months in The Big HOuse after allegedly 'shouting a profanity while stood near an elderly woman.' The Torygraph reports that eighteen-year-old Jared Smith was arrested following the incident on 8 April in West Monroe, in which he allegedly shouted 'fuck' in a residential area. Which is a crime, apparently. 'Deputies responded to a disturbance involving the arrestee Jared Smith,' the arresting officer wrote in his report. 'While standing next to my seventy five-year-old complainant, Jared yelled the word "fuck" and, clearly, disturbed her peace. No one else was around him when this occurred.' Smith, who denied yelling the expletive, was booked at Ouachita Correctional Centre and released on two hundred bucks bail. If convicted, Smith could serve up to ninety days in the county jail.

An Indian state minister has given hundreds of wooden bats to newly-wed brides, urging them to use the paddle as a weapon if their husbands turn alcoholic or abusive. Gopal Bhargava gave the bats – which are used to get dirt out of clothes in traditional laundries – to nearly seven hundred brides at a mass wedding organised by the government of Central Madhya Pradesh state on Saturday. The foot-long paddles are emblazoned with messages that read: 'For beating drunkards' and 'Police won't intervene.' Bhargava told the brides to 'reason' with their husbands first, adding that they should 'let the wooden paddles do the talking' if their spouses refuse to listen. Bhargava told AFP he wanted to 'draw attention' to the plight of rural women who face domestic abuse from their alcoholic husbands.

On a completely unrelated note, a 'very dangerous' woman has been very jailed for eleven years for 'almost killing' her fiancé during 'a campaign of domestic violence.' Speaking about the violence, victim Martyn Brown said that he hoped men suffering from domestic abuse manage to 'get out' after his ordeal at the hands of Harriet Sharp. Sharp launched three separate knife attacks on Brown stabbing him in October 2016, again December, before carrying out a brutal attack in January of this year. Eventually, she called an ambulance for herself pretending that she had stomach pains, before paramedics realised Brown had a number of injuries including a punctured lung. The father-of-two admitted he thought he was 'going to die that night.'

The actor Moray Watson has died at the age of eighty eight. One of those great British character actors who seems to have been in everything, Moray was born in Berkshire in 1928 the son of Gerard Watson, a ship broker and his wife, Jean, and went to Eton. He always wanted to be an actor and once his national service was out of the way – from 1946 to 1948 he served in the Northamptonshire regiment, reaching the rank of captain – he went to London to study acting at the Webber Douglas Academy of Dramatic Art, making early appearances in London's West End. In 1953 he made his television debut, appearing in Nigel Kneale and Rudolph Cariter's much-acclaimed BBC series The Quatermass Experiment. A long career in British television and film followed, including a regular role as the Art Editor Richard Lowe, in the early-sixties sopa, Compact. His CV also included appearances in Silas Marner, No Wreath For The General, Laughter From The Whitehall, Z Cars, The Saint, Doctor Finlay's Casebook, Front Page Story, The Avengers, Sergeant Cork, If There Weren't Any Blacks You'd Have To Invent Them, The Expert, Paul Temple, The Troubleshooters, Rookery Nook, Hadleigh, The Man Outside and Upstairs, Downstairs as well as many appearances in one-off plays in series such as Thirty-Minute Theatre and The Wednesday Play. In 1971 he played Lord Collingford in the children's series Catweazle and in 1974 had the role of Barrington Erle in the BBC adaptation Anthony Trollope's The Pallisers. He played Angus Kinloch in the Cold War thriller series Quiller and Chief Constable Chubb in Murder Most English. Moray appeared in the memorable 1982 Doctor Who story Black Orchid, where he played Sir Robert Muir, the Chief Constable of Oxfordshire and a friend of the Cranleigh family. In the 1980's he played Mister Bennet in the BBC adaptation of Pride & Prejudice and Wordsworth in the comedy Union Castle. Other notable appearances included parts in Agatha Christie's Miss Marple, Minder, Winston Churchill: The Wilderness Years, The Professionals, Rude Health, Rumpole Of The Bailey, The House Of Eliott, Rooms, Will Shakespeare, The Walls Of Jericho, Tales of The Unexpected, Diana, Don't Wait Up, Star Cops, Campions, The Vicar Of Dibley, Kavanagh QC, My Family and Midsomer Murders. In 1991 he was cast as The Brigadier in the ITV version of The Darling Buds Of May. He also appeared in several films, including Find The Lady, The Valiant, Operation Crossbow and The Grass Is Greener, in which he played opposite Cary Grant, Deborah Kerr, Robert Mitchum and Jean Simmons. He also appeared in the British comedy Every Home Should Have One (1970), starring Marty Feldman. He returned to Hollywood for the second world war film The Sea Wolves (1980). Moray appeared in several one-man shows, including The Incomparable Max based on the life and work of Max Beerbohm and Ancestral Voices, adapted from the diaries of James Lees Milne. His final stage show, Looking Back & Dropping Names was written and devised by himself based on his own life as an actor. It was published as an autobiography in September 2016. His was married to Pam Marmont, a stage actress and the daughter of Percy Marmont, from 1955 to her death in 1999. he is survived by their daughter, Emma Vansittart and son, Robin, both of whom are actors and by four grandchildren and a great-grandchild.