The Witch's Familiar: By The Pricking Of My Thumbs Something Wicked This Way Comes

'The Doctor is trapped. He's a prisoner of the creatures who hate him most in the universe. Between us and him is everything the greatest warrior race in history can throw at us. We, on the other hand, have a pointy stick! How do we start?' 'We assume we're going to win.'

'You can't kill a Dalek with a broach!'

'He fell into a nest of vampire monkeys. But, that's another story!'

'Can I have a stick too?' 'Make your own stick!'

'I'm not seeing you as sandwiches now.'

'Admit it, you've all had this exact nightmare. Anyone for dodgems?'

'One word. Well, two words actually. First word - moron!'

'What are you doing?' 'Murdering a Dalek. I'm a Time Lady, it's our golf!'

'Listen to that. The Doctor without hope. Nobody's safe now.'

'I didn't come here because I'm ashamed – a bit of shame never hurt anyone. I came because you're sick, and you asked.'

'There is a question, Doctor, one I have longed to ask.' 'If you're going to put you hand on my knee, it's not going to go well!'

'In a way, this is why I gave her to you in the first place; to make you see. A friend inside the enemy, the enemy inside the friend. Everyone's a bit of both. Everyone's a hybrid.'

'I'm over screwdrivers, they spoil the lie of your jacket. These days, I'm all about wearable technology.'

'I'm not helping you, I'm helping a little boy I abandoned on a battlefield. I think I owe him a sunrise.'

Well, dear blog reader, this blogger thought that was great. As usual.

Slipknot's Corey Taylor is turning his hand to acting, lending his trademark Big Scary Voice to a villain on Doctor Who. The musician's guttural tones will, allegedly, be used on next Saturday's episode, the Mirra reports. They claim that Taylor will voice the evil Fisher King in episode three, Under The Lake. The singer out of Slipknot shared his excitement at going to the TARDIS to meet The Doctor on Twitter, writing: 'You have no idea how hard it's been to keep this awesome secret." If you're not a tuned-in kiddie and are wondering who Slipknot are, dear blog reader, don't worry you are not alone.

Any excuse to play that, frankly! Next ...

Last week the BBC released a photograph of yer actual Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman her very self posing on the Abbey Road zebra crossing in North London, recreating the famous cover photo from The Be-Atles LP of the same name, with the help of a couple of Daleks. The Be-Atles, incidentally, were a popular beat combo of the 1960s. You might've heard of them. The picture was taken on a Saturday morning and the BBC have now released a video showing how quickly it was achieved to avoid disrupting traffic in the area. If you don't know London, Abbey Road is a main thoroughfare running North from Lord's Cricket Ground near Regents Park into Central London. Its famous zebra crossing lies just outside the EMI studios where The Be-Atles recorded the majority of their popular tunes. The crossing featured on the cover of their 1969 Abbey Road LP - it was originally going to be called Everest but they didn't particularly fancy flying six thousand miles to do the cover shoot when they could just walked thirty feet instead. This has of course, made the crossing itself a well visited tourist attraction, with many people attempting to recreate of the picture. In fact, barely a day goes by without some hapless motorist suddenly having the step on the breaks to avoid ploughing into four, usually Japanese, Be-Atles fans (one of them barefoot) posing on the crossing whilst somebody on the nearby traffic island takes their photo. And, thus causing motoring chaos in NW6. Ah, what y'gnona, you know? The law in the UK states that motorists must, often grudgingly, give way to pedestrians at zebra crossings - even if the pedestrians happen to be two Daleks, a Time Lord and an Impossible Girl. So to avoid total gridlock the photo session needed to be completed in as short a time as possible. This is how it was done.

Just in case you hadn't heard, BBC1 is giving viewers another chance to watch Doctor Who's two-part series premiere. The Magician's Apprentice and The Witch's Familiar will be repeated, in feature-length format, this Sunday at 3.15pm. For anybody that missed it because they, you know, had something more important to do.

What fresh horrors can BBC Worldwide come up with in the way of selling tacky Doctor Who merchandise to Americans, you may wonder, dear blog reader? Well, what about this? 'De-materialize [sic] boring kitchenware to a distant corner of the universe with our TARDIS soup and sandwich vortex set, guaranteed to take your dinners to a new dimension,' gushes the sales pitch. 'Patterned with planets and swirls of the Milky Way, or perhaps of a parallel galaxy known only to The Doctor, the plate provides the perfect landing dock for the TARDIS soup bowl. When paired together, Who knows where you might end up while slurping your chicken noodle soup one winter's eve?' Forty nine of your actual US dollars (postage and packing not included). I'm not sure what's the more disturbing about this ... the tomato or the lettuce. I think it's the lettuce.

It's Oasis soup, incidentally. Cos, y'get a roll with it. Come on!

Onto the subject of ratings, now - you knew it was coming, right? And, there's a really very good - and well-argued - piece written by Simon Brew of the Den Of Geeks website attempting to contextualise the somewhat lower-than-expected overnights for The Magician's Apprentice. Which is certainly a jolly useful alternative to BBC News's extremely depressing tabloid-style reporting of the overnights last Sunday. With friends like that, dear blog reader, who needs enemas?

Mind you, it's worth noting that there will always be those - usually with an agenda smeared all over the smug, sick mush - who will seek to convince you that Doctor Who isn't as good as it used to be. The Gruniad Morning Star, for instance, have been at it since 1963, and episode two. Middle Class hippy Communist wankers.

Remember, dear blog reader -

And, speaking of the Gruniad Monring Star - and odious louse-scum with an shitty agenda - I draw dear blog readers' attention(s) to full-of-his-own-importance Middle Class hippy Communist wanker John Plunkett's article Former BBC chair criticises The Voice as a 'clone'. Not specifically to the main point of the article and Tory Lord Michael Grade's - rather agenda-soaked - criticism of The Voice, that's neither here nor there. But, rather to the following statement: '... as a new survey suggested that more than forty per cent of people thought the corporation should do fewer entertainment shows.' This concerns a Radio Times poll of nine thousand viewers and listeners which revealed that ninety six per cent of people who took part in the poll supported the idea of a publicly funded broadcaster and ninety one per cent of those who took part thought that the annual licence fee was the best way of paying for it. 'But,' notes the risible Plunkett, 'forty one per cent of people thought the BBC should do fewer entertainment shows, at a time when The Voice has become a lightning rod for critics.' Which, if this blogger's maths are correct, means that fifty nine per cent of respondents did not agree with that statement and feel that the BBC should be doing the same amount of light entertainment as they currently do or, indeed, more. But, this twattish fraction of a journalist - working for an utterly ludicrous newspaper that squats on every fence imaginable - decided to go with the smaller figure because ... well, because he writes for the Gruniad Morning Star. And he can. And then, dear blog readers, some people wonder why this blogger hates the Gruniad and all who sail in her so much and hopes that they all get a really nasty and irritable skin rash in the crack of their arseholes.

Celebrity Big Brother's latest double eviction proved, depressingly, to be more popular than the previous Tuesday's elimination, overnight data shows. Jenna Jameson and Janice Dickinson's departure from the sick Victorian freak show brought in an average 1.57 million at 9pm. Earlier, The Yorkshire Vet appealed to 1.11m at 8pm, while The Hotel Inspector Returns was seen by six hundred and eighteen thousand punters at 10pm. On BBC1, New Tricks as usual topped the night overall across all channels with 5.10m viewers at 9pm. BBC2's The Hairy Bikers: Northern Exposure gathered 2.28m at 8pm, followed by Gareth Malone's new series The Naked Choir with 2.30m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners was seen by 1.26m at 8pm, while Educating Cardiff continued with 1.17m at 9pm. Overall BBC1 had a twenty six per cent share of the available audience during primetime whilst ITV drew just over twenty one per cent.

The Great British Bake Off suffered a dip in its overnight ratings on Wednesday, possible due to clash with the live Coronation Street episode on ITV, though Bake Off remained top of the hill on Wednesday night. The popular BBC1 show's average an overnight audience was 8.37 million at 8pm - down by around 1.6m week on week. However, it peaked with 9.25m during its last fifteen minutes of the episode. Meanwhile, on ITV, the hour-long Corrie episode, which saw Callum Logan killed by Kylie Platt, averaged 8.09m from 7.30pm. Later, on BBC1 Doctor Foster continued to prove popular with 5.59m viewers at 9pm. On ITV, their own new drama Midwinter Of The Spirit flopped good an proper, being watched by but 1.94m at 9pm. Many of Wednesday night's programmes saw low ratings due to the Bake Off/Corrie battle. On BBC2o, for example, Don't Panic - How To End Extreme Poverty In Fifteen Years brought in four hundred and thirty six thousand punters at 8pm, followed by The Ascent Of Woman with four hundred and forty six thousand at 9pm and a Qi repeat with seven hundred and twenty thousand at 10pm. Channel Four's Posh Pawn was watched by seven hundred and thirty eight thousand at 8pm while Grand Designs interested 1.83m at 9pm. It's A Weird World had an audience of eight hundred and thirteen thousand at 10pm. On Channel Five, The Nightmare Neighbour Next Door attracted four hundred and forty four thousand at 8pm, followed by the latest Celebrity Big Brother with 1.19m at 9pm and Wentworth Prison with five hundred and nine thousand viewers at 10pm.

Celebrity Big Brother's finale may also have been affected by the live rugby on Thursday, as it was down by around half-a-million viewers from last year's series. Alternative, it could just be that some viewers are getting sick of it. Time will tell, it usually does. The overnight average audience for James Hill's victory was 1.65 million, which is also down by around nine hundred thousand viewers from January's series. Dogs Make You Laugh Out Loud - possibly the most utterly worthless TV format in the history of Channel Five - was watched by eight hundred and one thousand viewers at 8pm. On BBC1, Eat Well For Less topped the night outside soaps with 4.56m punters at 8pm, followed by Frank Gardner's episode of Who Do You Think You Are? with 4.13m at 9pm. Question Time brought in 2.41m at 10.35pm. BBC2's Great British Menu was seen by 1.91m at 7.30pm, followed by World's Weirdest Events with 1.50m at 8pm and the latest episode of Cradle To Grave with 1.59m at 9pm. Boy Meets Girl dipped to nine hundred and fifty nine thousand at 9.30pm, while Mock The Week tickled 1.16m at 10pm. ITV's coverage of New Zealand's victory in the Rugby World Cup scored 3.01m from 7.30pm. On Channel Four, Amazing Spaces interested 1.40m at 8pm, followed by the latest Hunted with 1.25m at 9pm and First Dates with nine hundred and sixteen thousand viewers at 10pm.

Strictly Come Dancing's competition opener was watched by an average overnight audience of 7.68 million on Friday evening. The BBC1 light entertainment show peaked with 7.84 million - a thirty seven per cent share of the available audience - at 9.30pm, as the first six couples took to the dance floor. Earlier, 3.52 million watched The ONE Show at 7pm and A Question Of Sport was seen by 2.73 million viewers at 7.30pm. Still Open all Hours had 2.41 million viewers at 8.30pm while, later, The Graham Norton Show attracted 3.3 million at 10.45pm. On ITV at 9pm, a mere 1.45 million tuned in to John Lydon's episode of Oily Twat Piers Morgan's Life Stories. Gogglebox was, once again, Channel Four's highest-rated show, attracting an average overnight audience of 2.68 million. At 8pm six hundred and forty thousand watched that awful, unfunny lard bucket (and drag) Corden win thirty two grand for charidddeeeeee on James Corden Does Deal Or No Deal. At 10pm Alan Carr: Chatty Man attracted 1.1 million viewers. Gardener's World was BBC2's highest-rated show with 1.98 million viewers. Before that, at 7pm, Mary Berry's Absolute Favourites was watched by eight hundred and fifty thousand punters and The Great British Menu attracted 1.83 million viewers. At 8pm, Mastermind drew 1.97 million viewers. Now that Celebrity Big Brother has, thankfully, ended it was back to normal for Channel Five where World's Biggest Beasts saw seven hundred and seventeen thousand viewers turning on - presumably, for a good wank - at 7pm. At 9pm, NCIS: New Orleans attracted six hundred and sixty five thousand. NCIS had the largest audience of the evening for the channel, with eight hundred and sixteen thousand.

3.71 million punters watched Doctor Who's latest episode The Witch's Familiar according to initial overnight viewing figures for Saturday evening. The BBC's long-running popular family SF drama suffered by being placed directly opposite live coverage of the Rugby World Cup on ITV, where England unexpectedly - though, quite amusingly, let it be said - lost to Wales at Twickenham. There's lovely. The game attracted a whopping average of 8.3 million viewers (most of them in the swansea area, one suspects), pushing the overnight audience for Doctor Who below four million for the first time since the series returned in 2005. The curse of the panic of the ratings of spiralling doom and queue for hysterical - and, bafflingly, seemingly overjoyed - over-reaction and running around doing jazz hands from The Special People or 'the changing face of television consumption in the second decade of the Twenty First Century'. You decide, dear blog reader, this blogger's made his position clear often enough in the past. The Rugby coverage topped the day, by a distance, peaking at 10.8 million viewers just around the time that Gareth Davies's late try sent England to defeat. It pushed the returning Strictly Come Dancing into second place for the day with 7.7 million viewers. Casualty had 3.8 million on BBC1. I think I'm right in saying that might well be the first occasion since 2005 that an episode of Casualty has had a higher overnight audience than an episode of Doctor Who when both have been shown on the same day. Needless to say, final consolidated figures, which should see Doctor Who's audience (and, Strictly audience and possibly Casualty's audience for that matter) rise dramatically, will be released next week. The Witch's Familiar, incidentally, had an Audience Appreciation Index score of eighty three. Later, The National Lottery: In It To Win It was watched by 3.03 million. BBC1's evening ended with 3.37m for Match Of The Day. On BBC2, a Dad's Army repeat drew 1.6 million and Midnight's Children attracted seven hundred and five thousand punters from 8.15pm. On Channel Four, professional gormless Northern berk Paddy McGuinness' Utterly Worthless Z-List Celebrity Benchmark began with an audience of five hundred and sixty four thousand people with, seemingly, nothing better to do with their time in the 7pm hour. The movie Snow White & The Huntsman averaged nine hundred and twelve thousand an hour later. Channel Five's Now That's Funny! - which, it wasn't, as it happens - was watched by seven hundred and thirty four thousand from 8pm, and Football League Tonight continued with a meagre three hundred and nine thousand.

The X Factor just about held steady in the overnights on Sunday, but remained under seven million overnight viewers for the second week running its latest two-hour 'special'. And, this blogger uses the word 'special' quite wrongly. ITV's singing competition averaged an overnight average audience of 6.81m at 7pm, a fraction down from last week's Sunday overnight of 6.84m. Downton Abbey's second episode also dropped - by around three hundred thousand viewers week-on-week - to 7.04m at 9pm. On BBC1, Countryfile appealed to 4.43m at 6.30pm, followed by Antiques Roadshow with 5.27m at 7.30pm and the new adaptation of Cider With Rosie with 3.85m at 8.30pm. BBC2's Special Forces: Ultimate Hell Week brought in 1.29m at 9pm. Earlier, Patagonia: Earth's Secret Paradise was watched by eight hundred and eighty thousand, a repeat of World's Weirdest Events had an audience of 1.13m, The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice drew eight hundred and fifty thousand and a Top Gear Best Of Series Twenty Two compilation attracted nine hundred and twenty one thousand. On Channel Four, First Humans interested 1.23m at 8pm, followed by the latest episode of This Is England '90 with 1.23m at 9pm. Channel Five's broadcast of Just Go With It was watched by seven hundred and fifty seven thousand at 9pm. BBC1's afternoon repeat of the opening two episodes of Doctor Who - for those who may have missed them because they were glued to the rugger - brought in six hundred and forty three thousand viewers. That was preceeded by a replay of the early morning coverage of the Japanese Grand Prix, with 1.44m punters watching Lewis Hamilton win (again). BBC1's evening ended with Match Of The Day 2 and an overnight audience of 1.46m.

And so to the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Four programmes for week-ending Sunday 20 September 2015:-
1 The Great British Bake Off - Wed BBC1 - 12.35m
2 Downton Abbey - Sun ITV - 9.55m
3 The X Factor - Sat ITV - 8.51m
4 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 8.27m
5 Rugby World Cup: England Versus Fiji - Fri ITV - 8.26m
6 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 7.63m
7 Doctor Foster - Wed BBC1 - 7.52m
8 Doctor Who - Sat BBC1 - 6.54m
9 New Tricks - Tues BBC1 6.35m
10 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 5.84m
11 Doc Martin - Mon ITV - 5.77m*
12 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 5.49m
13 Emmerdale - Mon ITV - 5.47m*
14 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 5.33m
15 Rugby World Cup: Opening Ceremony - Fri ITV - 5.16m
16 Ten O'Clock News - Wed BBC1 - 4.94m
17 Who Do You Think You Are? - Thurs BBC1 - 4.70m
18 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 4.69m
19 Eat Well For Less - Thurs BBC1 - 4.42m
20 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 4.35m
21 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.27m
22 Pointless Celebrities - Sat BBC1 - 4.15m
23 The ONE Show - Mon BBC1 - 3.76m
24 Match Of The Day - Sat BBC1 - 3.65m
25 Gogglebox - Fri C4 - 3.64m
Those ITV programmes marked '*' do not include HD figures. These figures, as usual, do not include iPlayer or ITV Player viewers. The Sunday episode of The X Factor drew an audience of 8.21 million. Doctor Who's timeshift over and above the initial overnight audience for The Magician's Apprentice was a fraction under two million viewers (again, not counting those watching the episode on iPlayer. Total iPlayer figures for the episode amounted to a further 1.53 million requests.) On BBC2, University Challenge was the most-watched broadcast of the week (2.82m), followed by The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice (2.78m), Only Connect (2.39m), Cradle To Grave (2.25m), Gardeners' World (2.12m), Match Of the Day 2 (1.96m) and The Hairy Bikers' Northern Exposure (1.89m). Aside from Gogglebox, Channel Four's top-rated broadcasts included Grand Designs (2.38m), Hunted (2.21m), Educating Cardiff (1.91m), Battle Of Britain: Return Of The Spitfire (1.81m),Geroge Clarke's Amazing Spaces (1.80m) and This Is England '90 (1.77m). Channel Five's highest-rated shows were several episodes of Celebrity Big Brother (Monday's 2.07m being, depressingly, the largest) and Police Interceptators (1.33m). ITV4's Rugby coverage of the France versus Italy match was the most-watched multichannels broadcast of the week with 1.71m. BBC4's highest-rated show was BBC Four Sessions (six hundred and seventy two thousand). Canals: The Making Of A Nation drew four hundred and ninety four thousand. Sky Sports 1's coverage of Live Saturday Night Football - featuring the clash a'tween The Scum and The Saints - was watched by 1.11 million viewers. Sky F1's Live Singapore GP attracted by seven hundred and fifty three thousand. Gillette Soccer Saturday was, of course, Sky Sports News's highest-rated broadcast - four hundred and ninety six thousand. Lewis was ITV3's top-rated drama (seven hundred and twenty two thousand), followed by Midsomer Murders (six hundred and forty three thousand). BBC3's weekly-list was topped by a repeat of Tuesday night's episode of EastEnders (eight hundred and three thousand). 5USA's Castle attracted four hundred and ninety six thousand viewers. The third episode Ballers (three hundred and twenty five thousand) was Sky Atlantic's weekly list-topper, followed by Ray Donovan (three hundred and seven thousand) and a repeat of Game Of Thrones (one hundred and fifteen thousand). Sky Living's most-watched dramas were Chicago Fire (four hundred and fifty six thousand viewers) and Unforgettable (four hundred and twenty nine thousand). On Sky1, Zoo was watched by six hundred and ninety six thousand punters whilst The Last Ship was seen by five hundred and seventy eight thousand. Sky Arts' broadcast of Discovering Film drew sixty seven thousand. On Dave, Dave Gorman: Modern Life Is Good(ish) was the channel's highest-rated programme of the week - six hundred eleven thousand - followed by Suits (four hundred and sixteen thousand), Storage Hunters UK (three hundred and forty nine thousand), Mock The Week (three hundred and forty seven thousand) and Qi (three hundred and seven thousand). Drama's New Tricks attracted three hundred and fifty nine thousand viewers. Watch's broadcast of The Strain was seen by three hundred and forty one thousand, whilst Secrets & Lies had an audience of one hundred and twenty two thousand. Yesterday's Secrets Of The Bible was watched by two hundred and four thousand viewers, whilst Raiders Of the Lost Past drew one hundred and sixty thousand and a repeat of one of this bloggers' favourite ever documentary series, The Planets, had one hundred and thirty eight thousand. Now that Marvel's Agent Carter has concluded, FOX's highest-rated shows were American Dad! (three hundred and one thousand), The Fixer (two hundred and twenty three thousand) and several episodes of NCIS (Thursday's being the most-watched with one hundred and eighty three thousand). Another episode of NCIS - a different one, obviously, as they always are! - topped CBS Action's weekly list (one hundred and twenty thousand). The world's most-watched drama also featured in the top ten lists of both 5USA and the Universal Channel, the latter of which was headed by Rookie Blue (two hundred and fifty eight thousand) and Major Crimes (two hundred and twenty two thousand). On the Discovery Channel, Wheeler Dealers was watched by three hundred and ninety seven thousand viewers. Deadliest Catch had two hundred and fifty six thousand, Alaskan Bush People one hundred and ninety eight thousand and Running Wild With Bear Grylls one hundred and seventy two thousand. An older episode of Wheeler Dealers also topped Discovery Turbo's weekly list (thirty four thousand). A repeat of The Krays: The Prison Years topped Discovery History's top ten with fifty three thousand. Special Forces Secrets had forty thousand viewers. The Discovery Science channel drew thirty eight thousand viewers for How It's Made. CI's Crimes That Shook Britain brought in one hundred and nine thousand viewers whilst Britain's Darkest Taboos drew fifty three thousand - both well above the usual sort of audiences usualy attracted to that particularly channel suggesting that a bit of home-grown skulduggery and bloody malarkey goes down well with the CI punters. ID's Murder Behind Mansion Walls was watched by forty six thousand thousand and Evil Kin by thirty nine thousand. National Geographic's SOS had an audience of eighty four thousand viewers and Eden's Angry Planet was seen by thirty two thousand. The never-ending repeat run of Only Fools & Horses on GOLD's attracted one hundred and sixty nine thousand whilst Fawlty Towers had one hundred and sixteen thousand. Comedy Central's largest audience of the week was for Impractical Jokers (four hundred and sixty thousand). On ITV Encore, The Americans was watched by fifty seven thousand viewers. TLC's weekly-list was topped by Say Yes To The Dress which was seen by one hundred and fifty nine thousand.

Bill Bailey has revealed that he was once almost arrested outside Buckingham Palace because he tried to rescue a goose. Well, 'revealed' to anybody who didn't hear him tell the same story on his Qualmpeddler tour and DVD, that is. The comedian explained the story on The Graham Norton Show this week. 'We were driving up The Mall at two in the morning and there was a goose in the road flapping,' Bailey said. 'We stopped and my wife insisted we rescue it so we put a blanket over it and just as I was putting it in the boot of the car a pistol was put to my head and a royal protection officer said, "What's going on here?"' He continued: 'I suffer from asthma and at that exact point started to have an attack and struggled to explain it was just a goose. Finally the bird peeked out of the blanket and stared down the barrel of the gun and we all just stood there. The officer said into his jacket microphone, "Stand down, it's just a goose." It makes you wonder whether there was a sniper trained on me!'

Tek ye a gander (oh, suit yerselves), dear blog reader, at Sherlock's Victorian special, the return of Idris Elba's Luther and Olivia Colman's new drama in a brand new BBC trailer. The three-minute promo for the channel's autumn and winter schedule features a star-studded lineup from David Attenborough to Tom Hiddleston. Colman and Hiddleston will team up with yer actual Huge Laurie for The Night Manager, an adaptation of John le Carré's novel. Other shows featured in the clip include Professor Brian Cox's Force of Nature, River, a new drama from Abi Morgan, Andrew Davies' epic adaptation of Tolstoy's War & Peace and dramatic scenes for Kathy Beale as Gillian Taylforth makes her full-time EastEnders comeback. Tracey Ullman spoofs the German chancellor Angela Merkel in a teaser for her new sketch show, while established BBC1 primetime hits such as The Great British Bake Off, Strictly Come Dancing, The Apprentice and Doctor Who also feature in the clip.

Yer man Jezza Clarkson has revealed that filming on his new Amazon Prime series will start in a couple of weeks. He has insisted that much of the show, due to launch next year, is 'already sorted.' This comes after James May told the BBC on Wednesday that 'nothing' had happened with regard to the programme. Jezza wrote on Twitter: 'Filming starts in a couple of weeks. And yes, all of us will be involved.' He added: 'To be clear, May is busy with other stuff but Hammond, Wilman and I are extremely busy putting our new show together. Much is already sorted.' May recently revealed that the show does not yet have a name, despite the discovery that trademarks Gear Knobs and Gear Nobs were registered by Clarkson's law firm Olswang on 12 June. Elsewhere, Jezza will be hosting an episode of Have I Got News For You next month, his first appearance on any BBC programme since Top Gear ended.

A new romantic comedy series called I Want My Wife Back started filming this week, starring Ben Miller as the show's 'incredibly unlucky hero' Murray. Described by producers as 'a modern farce', the comedy kicks off with Murray being left by his wife, played by Caroline Catz, on her fortieth birthday. The series follows his attempts to win her back as he seeks advice from friends, family and colleagues and adopts a new strategy each week to achieve his goal. It's written and produced by the team behind the very under-rated The Worst Week Of My Life - Mark Bussell and Justin Sbresni - and also stars Jan Francis.

The controller of BBC1 has said that she is committed to 'taking risks' on the channel, with every new programme being required to 'break the mould.' Charlotte Moore said she would 'guarantee investment in innovation' in the coming years. Moore was speaking at the channel's autumn and winter launch, where she unveiled clips from a number of shows including the return of Luther and Sherlock. She also announced a 'visceral' new retelling of the ancient story of Troy. The drama, told from the perspective of a Trojan family during the war between Greece and Troy, would be 'unlike anything we've ever seen on BBC1 before', she promised. Moore said: 'We all know BBC1's remit is to entertain, educate and inform for a mainstream audience. But I want to make three promises. BBC1 will be defined in the coming years by its commitment to risk taking. I will guarantee investment in innovation. And I will challenge every new commission to break the mould.' The autumn line-up also includes Abi Morgan's police drama River and Capital, starring Toby Jones as an investment banker living on a South London street which is transformed by rising house prices. Costume dramas War & Peace and the twenty-part Dickensian will also be screened, as will a new adaptation of The Night Manager. There will also be a landmark comedy season to mark sixty years since Hancock's Half Hour launched the sitcom on British TV. It will include a documentary charting the career of Peter Kay and a live episode of Mrs Brown's Boys. Kay described Twenty Years Of Funny as 'a wonderful opportunity to reflect on the last twenty years and highlight some of the work it's been my honour to create.' There will also be a one-off drama, To Sir With Love, adapted by Hanif Kureishi from ER Braithwaite's 1959 novel. Kureishi said that as a young man the book was 'the only novel I was aware of which dealt with the subject of race in Britain and I hope this dramatisation provides a vivid portrayal, particularly for the young, of how Britain has changed since then, and how it has remained the same.' JK Rowling will executive produce an adaptation of Cormoran Strike Mysteries, based on the crime novels she writes under the name Robert Galbraith. So, that should be worth avoiding.

The Night Manager's writer, David Farr, is teaming up with the BBC on a mythological prestige drama. Troy: Fall Of A City will bring the majesty and wonder of the Trojan War to a whole new generation as a multi-part series. Farr's drama will re-examine the Judgement of Paris, a key event in the ancient world's most prominent tales. Troy: Fall Of A City will be shown through the eyes of a Trojan family, who become entangled in the conflict as war with Greece breaks out. As noted, Charlotte Moore said: 'David Farr's bold and visceral rendition of the three thousand-year-old story, told across multiple parts and for the first time from the Trojan point of view will be unlike anything we've ever seen on BBC1 before.' 'The story of Ilium, the ancient city of Troy, has always gripped me,' Farr added. 'Fall Of A City aims to convey in all its emotional richness, the effects of war, and the toll taken on city and family by the horrors of siege. Though one of Europe's oldest stories, it could not be more sadly pertinent today.' Casting details and a transmission date will be announced in 2016.

Johnny Vegas has called for more 'brilliant, self-contained pieces' on television - and less of a focus on 'returning audiences.' Johnny stars in the one-off comedy Brilliantman! - broadcast this week on Sky Arts. To an audience of six. 'I mourn the bygone days of Play For Today and these self-contained pieces and the fact that within TV now it's all about returning audiences,' the comic told the Digital Spy website. 'It's a real dumbing down or a presumption of the audience. It's almost a broadcast-induced attention deficit syndrome - where they don't trust that people can watch something that is self-contained for thirty minutes. And it's a shame that everything is about competing with something in the same time-slot on another channel, rather than putting something on for its creative and artistic validity.' Johnny previously worked with Sky Arts on the Playhouse Presents episode Ragged - based on the early life of actor Ricky Tomlinson. 'I think when we did Ragged, there were people who couldn't believe it was on Sky and wasn't on somewhere like the BBC; that they wouldn't be jumping to produce a piece like that about Ricky.' Brilliantman! was a silent comedy - written by and co-starring Kevin Eldon - and Vegas insisted that there's 'still a place for the format' in 2015. 'I think it's brilliant having this platform to investigate that and play with that format, so kudos to Sky Arts for going ahead with a project like this,' he said. 'There's so much concern about tapping into huge viewing figures now that less and less experimental pieces like this get made.'

Some proper great news, now. It is being reported that awful, unfunny lard bucket (and drag) Corden and Mathew Baynton's laughless alleged 'comedy' The Wrong Mans appears to have ended after two series, mainly due to that awful, unfunny lard bucket (and drag) Corden's busy schedule after taking over from Craig Ferguson as host of The Late Late Show. Excellent. Hopefully, we'll be seeing a damn sight less of the full-of-his-own-importance bell-end over here thanks to his stateside commitments. Well done America. Any of our other massively over-rated talent you'd like to take off our hands?

After a 'hugely successful' pilot episode, the BBC has announced comedian Josh Widdicombe's Josh is coming to BBC3 for a whole series in November. The sitcom stars Widdicombe as the titular character, 'a baby faced Victor Meldrew', plus a less baby face Victor Meldrew, the great Jack Dee as Josh's 'annoying landlord' Geoff and Beattie Edmonson and Elis James as Josh's flatmates. Widdicombe wrote the script with Tom Craine and there's even more comedy kudos in the shape of director David Schneider. Star cameos come from Jennifer Saunders, Romesh Ranganathan and none other than the The Chuckle Brothers.

As previously announced BBC1 is unleashing a live edition of Mrs Brown's Boys on the unsuspecting public. Brendan O'Carroll's hit comedy - loathed by most critics but loved by the general public - will broadcast its one-off special sometime during the summer of 2016 and the channel is promising that anything can happen. 'This is very exciting,' O'Carroll said. 'When I heard the BBC were letting us go fully live I thought, "They've lost their minds!" I'm seriously delighted about this. As Mrs Brown's Boys started in the theatre it gives us a chance to show the TV audience live what we really do. Put the kids to bed early!' The special is, as noted, part of the BBC's landmark sitcom season, celebrating sixty years since Hancock's Half Hour effectively launched the genre on BBC television. The corporation will pay tribute to the best comedy shows and characters with a host of stars from the world of British comedy writing and performing. Elsewhere, a new documentary tracing the life and career of Peter Kay has also been announced. Shane Allen, Controller of BBC Comedy, added: 'This has been a remarkable year for Peter and it feels timely to mark his exceptional talents as sitcom writer and performer as well as record-breaking stand-up comedian.'

BBC newsreader Sophie Raworth is taking over from Anne Robinson as the new host of Watchdog. Sophie who, unlike her predecessor, doesn't have a face like a smacked arse, revealed it was 'the reason I got into television' after she did two weeks work experience on the show at the age of sixteen. 'I'm delighted to have been asked to join Matt, Chris and Michelle for the new series. It feels like I've come full circle,' she said.

'Eagle-eyed viewers' - with nothing better to do with their time, seemingly - have been remarking on social media on how much the dress worn by BBC Breakfast presenter Louise Minchin on Wednesday morning resembled that of the programme's weather forecaster Carol Kirkwood. Kirkwood immediately hustled onto Twitter to insist any similarity was 'not intentional.' As if anybody with half a brain in their head actually gives a stuff about utterly trivia like that. Jesus, has everybody taken The Stupid Pill this week, or what?

The government says it has made 'no decisions' about reforming Channel Four even after an official was pictured holding papers that appeared to propose its privatisation. The photograph of the memo was posted on Twitter by photographer Steve Back. The Department for Culture, Media and Sport claimed the government was looking at a 'range of options' on reform. One or two people believed them. After months of ministerial obfuscation on whether the sale of the state-owned, commercially funded broadcaster was being considered, the document reveals that proposals have already been drawn up in a bid to raise an estimated one billion smackers for Treasury coffers. The leaked document reads: 'Work should proceed to examine the options of extracting greater public value from the Channel Four corporation, focusing on privatisation options in particular.' With the author of the work identified as a senior civil servant within the Department for Culture, Media and Sport, the leak suggests that it is the lack of culture secretary, the vile and odious rascal Whittingdale, who is keenest on the move despite several speeches in recent weeks in which he appeared to deny any decision. Channel Four commented that its 'not-for-profit model enables it to deliver significant public value to viewers and the UK economy.' The 'official - sensitive: commercial' document is dated 24 September 2015 and headed Assessment of Channel Four Corporation Reform Options. It says there has been a 'recent meeting' between Cabinet Office minister Matthew Hancock and two unnamed secretaries of state. The document reads: 'You agreed that work should proceed [to] examine the options for extracting greater public value from the Channel Four Corporation, focusing on privatisation options in particular, whilst protecting its ability to deliver against its remit. This submission outlines the options we propose to explore.' In response to the photograph, the Department for Culture, Media and Sport said: 'Channel Four has an important remit and we are looking at a range of options as to how to continue to deliver this, including options put forward by Channel Four.' In August, the vile and odious rascal Whittingdale told the Edinburgh International Television Festival that a sale of Channel Four was 'not currently being discussed.' So, that was a lie. What a surprise, eh?

The first trailer for the next season of The Apprentice has been unveiled. It shows Lord Sugar-Sweetie 'ready for battle' in the boardroom, flanked by Karren Brady and new advisor Claude Littner, Nick Hewer's replacement.

The X Factor could be rested for a few years before being brought back even stronger, its executive producer has claimed. Richard Holloway spoke about the show's declining ratings during a Royal Television Society event in London this week. '[X Factor] will have a finite life span. But I think you then rest it, then you bring it back,' Billboard quotes him as saying.

'As long as we produce the show to a standard, which the public really wants to see then there is no reason why we can't produce it for years and years and years.' He added that he has a really good 'give-and-take relationship' with show boss Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads, though the two do not always agree and will debate matters. 'Nothing is forever,' Holloway said, while suggesting that the media is 'too preoccupied with overnight TV ratings data' despite changing technology. Well, it's nice to see somebody else other than this blogger finally coming to that conclusion. 'Viewing habits have changed enormously, especially in the last couple of years we all got to appreciate that and kind of consider it more.' Holloway is also an executive producer of Britain's Got Toilets and claimed that it was 'a more engaged format' than other high-rating shows like The Great British Bake Off. 'I think it could run for many, many years. It's our most profitable show,' he said of the variety talent contest.

A star-studded cast has been lined up for BBC1's forthcoming adaptation of A Midsummer Night's Dream. Former Doctor Who showrunner Big Russell Davies has written what's been described as 'a bold and accessible' ninety-minute adaptation of the fantasy, starring Matt Lucas as Bottom, Maxine Peake as Titania and John Hannah as Theseus. Elaine Paige will play Mistress Quince, Richard Wilson appears as Starveling, Bernard Cribbins is Snout, while Javone Prince played Snug. No news yet on who's been cast as Moonshine, the part yer actual Keith Telly Topping once played - brilliantly, even if he does say so his very self - in a school production many years ago. So, frankly, if the call comes from Russell, I'm still thoroughly ready. I've got my own lamp and everything. 'This is such an exciting range of actors from stage and screen, from wild comedy to high drama, and some making their first ever appearance on camera,' said Big Rusty. 'The Dream is coming to life like never before.' Filming starts in Cardiff this October.

And now, dear blog reader, this.

Vicki Michelle has confirmed that she wants to press charges against Farrah Abrahams. Whoever she is. This came after the former 'Allo 'Allo actress and, these days, reality TV regular said that she was struck on the back of her head 'with great force with a glass.' Michelle claimed to have suffered 'a concussion' during a row on spin-off show Celebrity Big Brother's Bit On The Side on Tuesday night. The show had to be taken off-air ten minutes early after a furious row between Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace (no, me neither) and Abraham escalated over the subject of 'anger issues'. In a statement, Michelle's agent said: 'Actress Vicki Michelle MBE is this morning with Hertfordshire police and will be pressing charges against Farrah Abraham, who struck the back of her head with great force with a glass during the recording of CBBBOTS this week. Vicki has been in show business for forty years and has been left in deep shock and with concussion after the attack by Ms Abraham.' Quite what the forty years in showbusiness has to do with anything, the agent didn't elaborate. Transmission of the show was cut after Horgan-Wallace appeared to throw champagne at Abraham. And then it really kicked off, big style. The argument between Horgan-Wallace and Abraham started as they were being interviewed by host Rylan Clark with the latest evicted z-list celebrities Jenna Jameson and Janice Dickinson. Farrah Abraham's management team says that the matter is 'in the hands of her lawyers' and that she is not commenting further at the moment. Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace's management team says she is 'not doing any interviews.' Media watchdog Ofcom has now received five complaints about Tuesday night's episode of Celebrity Big Brother's Bit On The Side. In a statement, Hertfordshire Police said: "Officers are continuing to make inquiries with relevant parties following the incident which occurred at Elstree Studio's on the evening on September 22. These investigations are on-going at this time.

The company collecting royalties for 'Happy Birthday To You' does not hold a valid copyright to the song, a US federal judge has ruled. Warner/Chappell acquired the copyright - which was originally filed in 1935 - in 1988. But judge George King ruled that the original copyright was only granted for specific arrangements of the music, not to the song itself. The tune was composed by two Kentucky sisters in 1893. Mildred and Patty Hill called their version 'Good Morning To All', which later evolved into the song which is popularly sung at birthday parties around the world. Warner/Chappell had been collecting fees since 1988, when it bought Birch Tree Group, the successor to Clayton F Summy Co, which claimed the original copyright. The case against the publishers was launched in 2013 by Rupa Marya and Robert Siegel, who are making a film about the song. When Warner asked for fifteen hundred dollars for the right to use 'Happy Birthday To You' in the film, Marya and Siegel argued the song was in the public domain and should not be subject to copyright fees. Judge King ruled that Summy had never acquired copyright to the song's words. 'The Hill sisters gave Summy Co the rights to the melody and the rights to piano arrangements based on the melody, but never any rights to the lyrics,' he said. Mark Rifkin, one of lawyers who acted for the plaintiffs, said he was 'thrilled' by the judge's decision. 'We did exhaustive historical research and none of it showed that the publisher owned anything other than copyrights to four very specific piano arrangements,' he told BBC Radio 4's Today programme. 'In the second part of the case, which hopefully we'll get to start very soon, we're going to be asking the court to order Warner to return all the money that's been collected from everyone who has had to pay a licensing fee or royalty to use the song, at least going back to 1988. If they've collected two million dollars a year over that period, that's a large sum of money.' After the ruling was announced, Warner/Chappell said: 'We are looking at the court's lengthy opinion and considering our options.' That's presumably, after they've changed their underwear.

Sir Johnny Lydon has claimed he was once banned by the BBC after making allegations against dirty old scallywag and filthy rotten kiddie-fiddler Jimmy Savile. The former Sex Pistol was referring to an interview he gave in 1978 to Radio 1, during which he claimed that Savile was 'into all sorts of seediness. We all know about it but we're not allowed to talk about it. I know some rumours.' Speaking to that oily twat Piers Morgan for his Life Stories show - why Johnny, why for the love of God, why? - he said: 'I'm very, very bitter that the likes of Savile and the rest of them were allowed to continue. I did my bit, I said what I had to. But they didn't air that.' He continued: 'I found myself banned from BBC radio for quite a while, for my contentious behaviour. They wouldn't state this directly; there'd be other excuses.' The band were, of course, already in the BBC's bad books before Lydon's Savile comments: 'God Save The Queen' received a total ban on radio play not only from the BBC but also from commerical radio. Lydon didn't go into the specifics of what the ban entailed, although he said: 'Weren't I right? I think most kids wanted to go on Top Of The Pops but we all knew what that cigar muncher was up to.' Lydon also talked about the death of his band mate Sid Vicious, who took a fatal overdose of heroin in 1979. 'Sid was my mate and all that, but I watched him slowly destroy himself,' he said. 'I've got to be honest – it came as no surprise.' He added: 'It wasn't overwhelmingly catastrophic he killed himself. Most people who mess about with heroin, they lose their souls way earlier, it's just waiting for the body to keel over.'

Netflix has ordered twelve new episodes of Black Mirror. Charlie Brooker's dystopian anthology will be available to international audiences exclusively via the streaming service. Black Mirror originated on Channel Four in the UK - and the broadcaster has confirmed that it still has first-look rights to new episodes in the UK. 'It's all very exciting - a whole new bunch of Black Mirror episodes on the most fitting platform imaginable,' Brooker said. 'Netflix connects us with a global audience so that we can create bigger, stranger, more international and diverse stories than before, whilst maintaining that Black Mirror feel. I just hope none of these new story ideas come true.'

Now, dear blog reader, here's a picture of Victoria Beckham looking like she's just pissed herself. Which, let's face it, is always good for a laugh It was taken whilst she and David were leaving a party in London. Posh’s rep subsequently told ET: 'This was simply the result of the most unfortunate positioning of a spilt drink, whilst Victoria was sitting down - thankfully it was not a "dampener" on what was a fantastic night.' One or two people even believed her. And, doesn't David look happy with life? Cheers up, y'miserable sod, you've got four lovely kids and you're a millionaire! Why the long face?

A petition has, apparently, been launched, demanding that ITV stop playing Paloma Faith's Rugby World Cup song, a cover of 'World In Union'. The campaign, which more than three thousand people have signed thus far, urges ITV to stop playing the song. Because it's awful. 'Make it a more enjoyable experience for all spectators,' writes Jonathan Wilson, who started the petition. An ITV spokesperson claimed, somewhat unconvincingly, that they were 'happy' with Paloma's rendition. Unlike everybody else that has actually heard it.

The bodies of an estranged husband and wife who appeared as 'ghost hunters' in an alleged paranormal television show have been found in a barricaded apartment in Nevada. Mark and Debby Constantino, who appeared on the Travel Channel show Ghost Adventures, were found in the apartment in Sparks, near Reno, on Tuesday. Police have released few details surrounding their deaths, which came hours after the killing of another man in Reno. They were found when a SWAT team responding to a hostage situation stormed their adult daughter's apartment. Lieutenant Rocky Triplett, of Sparks Police, said that Mark Constantino had fired at officers as they approached the apartment door. He said: 'The subjects involved in this incident were not shot at or injured by gunfire from any law enforcement personnel.' Triplett added that the two incidents were 'directly related.' Officers found a man dead at a home in Reno on Tuesday morning, where Debby Constantino and another woman had been living. They tracked her mobile phone to the apartment in Sparks. Gunshots were heard in the apartment when officers knocked on the door and a man shouted 'give me fifteen minutes to gather my thoughts, or I'll kill her', Deputy Police Chief Tom Robinson told the Reno Gazette-Journal. Police used explosives to open the door. One officer was hurt by broken glass at the scene. Washoe District Court records showed that Debby Constantino obtained a restraining order on her estranged husband last week. The two were scheduled to appear in court in December over their divorce. They were featured on the Travel Channel series, including episodes filmed at the Mustang Ranch brothel near Reno, the Goldfield Hotel and the Market Street Cinema in San Francisco. Both had a professional history of working with Electronic Voice Phenomena during their alleged 'paranormal' investigations. It remains to be seen whether any other of the numerous alleged 'paranormal investigators' will attempt to contact the late Mark and Debby and find out what occurred.

Morrissey's debut novel, List Of The Lost, was published this week. Coming two years after his hugely successful autobiography, the book is described by the author as 'an American tale where, naturally, evil conquers good, and none live happily ever after.' Publishers Penguin declined to send out review copies in advance, and one early review in the Gruniad Morning Star may suggest why. The first paragraph of Michael Hann's critique reads: 'Do not read this book; do not sully yourself with it, no matter how temptingly brief it seems. All those who shepherded it to print should hang their heads in shame, for it's hard to imagine anything this bad has been put between covers by anyone other than a vanity publisher. It is an unpolished turd of a book, the stale excrement of Morrissey’s imagination.' So, bad experience with a copy of 'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable' Now' as a child, was it?

The leader of the opposition Jeremy Corbyn will appear on The Andrew Marr Show on Sunday, two weeks after pulling out of an appearance scheduled for the day after he was elected Labour leader. 'He had promised to come on immediately after the leadership election and didn't,' Marr told the Radio Times. 'I think there's a problem for the Jeremy Corbyn movement, which is that they have two hundred and fifty thousand people voting for him. He has a big mandate, sixty per cent of Labour party's membership voted for him. Fantastic for him. But, there comes a point when you have to talk to people who are not true believers. You have to talk to the other many, many millions of people who are sitting quietly at home wondering what they think about him.' Corbyn has been criticised - mostly, but not exclusively, in the right-wing press - for his seemingly stroppy and rather insular attitude towards the media in the weeks after his election. Instead of appearing on Marr after being elected he attended a mental health event, which was fair enough. He was then filmed by Sky News refusing to answer questions about his shadow cabinet in the early hours of the following Monday morning. Corbyn's team relied heavily on social media and public events to get their message across during his campaign. However, Marr said that he needs the mainstream media to talk to the public. 'Whatever you think of the mass media, whether you hate the BBC or you hate the Murdoch press, in the end you have to use the mass media to reach your audiences,' said Marr. 'All I promise on the show – I'm not going to be mocking or teasing or offensive – I'm going to ask him straight factual questions about what they believe and what they want to do.'

Swiss prosecutors have opened a criminal investigation into Sepp Blatter, the head of football's world governing body FIFA. And, about effing time, an'aal. The Swuss attorney general's office said he was being investigated 'on suspicion of criminal mismanagement as well as - alternatively - on suspicion of misappropriation.' Blatter was being questioned, and his office was searched, it added. Which, one trusts, would've wiped the smile off Blatter's smug face, even if only briefly. FIFA said it 'was co-operating' with the investigation. Blatter has run FIFA since 1998 and has always denied any wrongdoing. In much the same way that Robert Mugabe does. The attorney general's office said the investigation surrounds a TV rights deal Blatter signed with the odious former Caribbean football chief Jack Warner in 2005. Blatter is also suspected of making a 'disloyal payment' of two million Swiss francs in 2011 to the UEFA president Michel Platini, the statement said. Platini has also been interviewed though the attorney general stressed this was 'as a witness.' Platini is widely expected to replace Blatter when the latter steps down in February. That is, if he hasn't had his ass thrown into jail by then, of course. In May, seven FIFA officials were arrested in Zurich on corruption charges by US authorities. Blatter won a fifth consecutive FIFA presidential election on 29 May but, following continuous claims of corruption and rotten doings, he announced his decision to step down on 2 June. He is due to leave the role at a FIFA extraordinary congress on 26 February. FIFA cancelled its news conference on Friday only minutes before it was due to start. Blatter would have been speaking in public for the first time since FIFA's general secretary, Jerome Valcke, was suspended last week amid allegations regarding ticket sales at the 2014 World Cup. Newspaper reports implicated Valcke in a scheme to sell tickets for above face value. Valcke, who describes the allegations as "fabricated", has been released from his duties pending an investigation. In May, Swiss authorities arrested seven FIFA officials in dawn raids in Zurich at the request of the US. One, FIFA Vice-President Jeffrey Webb, has already been extradited. The US then unveiled indictments against seven other people in their corruption case. Nine of those accused were high-ranking current or former FIFA officials. They include the odious Jack Warner who is is accused of accepting millions of dollars in bribes and is currently fighting extradition from Trinidad. The Swiss opened their own investigation into FIFA hours after the initial arrests. The BBC's Imogen Foulkes in Geneva says that the timing of the announcement of the investigation into Blatter was 'no accident', coming as it did while the world's media were gathered in Zurich for a FIFA news conference. She added that ever since the first arrests in May, the Swiss attorney general's office has told her it was 'serious' about investigating FIFA and proving to a sceptical world that Switzerland can 'get tough' on financial corruption. FIFA owns the TV rights to the World Cup and sells them to regional federations which then sell them on to broadcasters. Blatter's lawyer, Richard Cullen, said that he was 'confident' the inquiry would clear Blatter of any wrongdoing regarding the contract with the odious Warner. 'We are confident that when the Swiss authorities have a chance to review the documents and the evidence, they will see that the contract was properly prepared and negotiated by the appropriate staff members of FIFA who were routinely responsible for such contracts, and certainly no mismanagement occurred,' he said.

A BBC reporter was verbally abused in the street whilst filming a report about street harassment. Sarah Teale was filming outside a conference on the subject in Nottingham when a man directed a sexual comment towards her. The East Midlands Today reporter said that she was 'genuinely shocked' by what the man said. 'It's not banter, it's not funny and no-one should have to put up with it,' she added. In the clip, Teale can be heard explaining: 'An online study showed that a shocking ninety five per cent of people said they had been harassed, jeered at, or had obscenities shouted at them in the street and a large proportion said they'd also been groped or grabbed inappropriately in public.' Then, as a comment is made by some, no doubt perfect specimen of human evolution, she can be seen pointing ahead and saying: 'Yeah, like that.'

The Moon will turn a rusty colour during the early hours of Monday and may seem larger in the sky than usual. The event is caused by a total lunar eclipse coinciding with another periodical astronomical event called a supermoon. This is the second total lunar eclipse this year, but the first since 2008 where the whole eclipse will be visible from the UK. The entire eclipse will be visible from Eastern America, South America, West Africa and much of Western Europe. Skywatchers in the Western half of North America, the rest of Europe and Africa, the Middle East and South Asia will see a partial one. From the UK, observers will see the Moon pass through the Earth's shadow in the early hours of Monday morning. In a total lunar eclipse, the Earth, Sun and Moon are almost exactly in line and the Moon is on the opposite side of the Earth from the Sun. As the full Moon moves into our planet's shadow, it dims dramatically but usually remains visible, lit by sunlight that passes through the Earth's atmosphere. As this light travels through our planet's gaseous envelope, the green to violet portions get filtered out more than the red portion, with the result that light reaching the lunar surface is predominantly red in colour. Observers on Earth may see a Moon that is brick-coloured, rusty, blood red or sometimes dark grey, depending on terrestrial conditions. A supermoon occurs when a full or new moon coincides with a Moon that is nearing its minimum distance to Earth. The Moon takes an elliptical orbit around Earth, which means that its average distance changes from as far as four hundred thousand kilometres to as close as three hundred and sixty thousand at the perigee. The eclipse will start at 01:11 BST, when the Moon enters the lightest part of the Earth's shadow, known as the penumbra, and adopts a yellowish colour. At 03:11 BST, the Moon completely enters the umbra - the inner dark corpus of our planet's shadow. The point of greatest eclipse occurs at 03:47 BST, when the Moon is closest to the centre of the umbra. The sky show will be over by 05:22 in the morning on Monday. The Royal Astronomical Society says that unlike the solar equivalent, a total lunar eclipse event is safe to watch and needs no special equipment. The next total lunar eclipse visible in its entirety from the UK will be in 2019.

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though still unsellable) Magpies finally remembered not to play like a bunch of twelve year old girls on Saturday evening but, for all of their efforts, they still couldn't quite manage to get their first Premier League win of the season. Moscow Chelski FC scored twice in the last eleven minutes to earn a point and deny Newcastle what would have been a deserved - and much needed - first win. Ayoze Perez made the most of a lapse by Kurt Zouma to fire the Magpies in front just before half-time and Georginio Wijnaldum extended their lead with a stooping header from a Perez corner early in the second half. But, substitute Ramires reduced the deficit with a fierce twenty five-yard strike and Willian equalised when his free-kick from the left sailed straight in. Ramires went close to winning it for Chelsea in added time but saw his header brilliantly saved by Tim Krul. Nevertheless, it was a much improved performance from United after their shameful, cowardly capitulation against the Sheffield Wednesdays in the Capital One Cup in midweek, their fourth successive defeat since they last played like they were actually bothered, against The Scum in late August. Thanks to Blunderland getting their arses well and truly twanked at Old Trafford, The Toon remain but second bottom of the Premier League with three points from their six games. Things as the old outfit of Brian Cox (no the other one) used to note, can only get better.

Stephen Fry led a group of campaigners in a meeting with London transport managers on Tuesday as they aimed to block the demolition of London's Curzon Soho cinema. Developers are planning to bulldoze the famous cinema to make way for the proposed Crossrail train line project. Work at the site could begin in 2020 if approved. Representatives of the Save Soho campaign, which is chaired by Stephen and includes yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch, met railway planners alongside local residents and business owners at Bloomsbury Central Baptist Church to put forward their concerns. Stephen told the Gruniad Morning Star newspaper: 'The plan for the Curzon cinema, Shaftesbury Avenue, long a beacon of good film programming and live events, to be demolished to make way for a tunnel air vent, is deeply worrying.' The Crossrail project, which aims to provide high-speed train links in the UK capital, has already led to the destruction of many famous Central London landmarks including the Astoria Theatre.

From a national treasure to a national disgrace. It has been widely reported that odious glob of phlegm Jeremy Kyle has separated from his wife, Carla Germaine. Ordinarily, this blogger would not dream about finding humour in such a sad story of what should be private relationship issues. But, this is Jeremy Kyle we're talking about, after all, someone who has spent his life stikcing his nose into the private affairs of others. So, do we wonder if this will be the subject of the next episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show? Cos, this blogger might actually watch that.

David Cameron allegedly set up The Leveson Inquiry to divert attention from his own decision to hire former Scum of the World editor Andy Coulson as his director of communications, according to the former Scotland Yard commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson. It was part of a strategy, Stephenson claims, to 'spread the blame' for phone-hacking scandal that was allegedly suggested to the Prime Minister by his close personal friend, the then chief executive of News International, well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Rebekah Brooks. The allegations were made by Stephenson according to Lord Ashcroft and Isabel Oakeshott, the authors of the unauthorised biography of Cameron, Call Me Dave currently being serialised in the Daily Scum Mail. The claims were published in an extract from the book on Thursday. According to the authors, Stephenson told them: 'I think they [Cameron and Brooks] deliberately spread it wider to try to take the flak away from the decision to employ Coulson. I think there was a very strong agenda there to spread the heat around.' Stephenson extremely resigned from the Metropolitan Police at the height of the phone-hacking scandal because of his links to a former senior Scum of the World executive, Neil Wallis. According to the book, Cameron believed that Labour leader Ed Milimolimandi had him 'on the run' over Coulson and was also under pressure over his links to billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch's media empire through his close personal friendship to well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Brooks. The authors suggest that Cameron 'may' have got the idea for holding a wide-ranging inquiry into the media from well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Brooks, who was, allegedly, urging fellow newspaper executives to join a 'truth and reconciliation commission.' They cite a 'newspaper insider' - anonymous, of course and, therefore, probably fictitious - who claims that well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Brooks was 'desperate to have anything that would spread the News of the World virus into the whole of the rest of the industry.' The idea was 'dismissed out of hand' by other newspaper editors and executives, the Gruniad Morning Star claim, most of whom - they insist - had nothing to do with phone-hacking. One or two people even believed them. But, according to the book, 'one person at least appeared to take inspiration from it: David Cameron.' The Prime Minister was under constant attack at the time for employing Coulson and desperately needed to regain the initiative. So Brooks's 'truth and reconciliation commission' seemed the ideal device. The book states: 'Thus, in July 2011, he announced a turbo-charged version of what some industry figures claim was, essentially, her scheme.' This was The Leveson Inquiry into the culture, practices and ethics of the British press. Well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Brooks, who was cleared of charges in relation to phone-hacking by, essentially, convincing a jury that she knew nothing about what was going at the newspaper she was, in theory, supposed to be editing, recently returned to billionaire tyrant Murdoch's organisation as chief executive of News UK, the company that replaced News International. Probably the first instance of someone cleared of criminal charges by claiming to be clueless and incompetent subsequently getting their old job back. According to the Gruniad Morning Star one of her 'close friends' (which might, or might not be David Cameron his very self) said that she 'disputes' the Ashcroft/Oakeshott account. She is adamant, the Gruniad continues, that she never suggested anything even remotely like a judicial inquiry at any time and believes that the authors' alleged 'insider' source for the allegation is either taking crap or may have 'a personal axe to grind.' During her trial, it emerged that well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Brooks had a nine-year affair with Coulson, her underling and successor as Scum of the World editor. He resigned from that post in 2007 following the conviction of one of his reporters for hacking phones. He was hired some months later by Cameron to be the Tory party's communications director. After Cameron became Prime Minister Coulson worked in the same capacity in Downing Street until he was forced to resign in January 2011 following continued media revelations about hacking. Coulson was later extremely charged with conspiracy to hack phones and was found very guilty and sentenced in 2014 to eighteen months porridge. He was released after serving just five months. Which some may consider to be getting off lightly. When Lord Justice Leveson delivered his report in 2012 he recommended that there should be a new form of press regulation underpinned by statute. Most editors, including the Daily Scum Mail's vile and odious reptile, Paul Dacre, believed such state involvement would threaten press freedom. Or, rather, their own freedom to print whatever they liked and sod how true it was. Cameron responded by asking his cabinet office minister, Oliver Letwin, to come up with a solution. The resulting fudge led to the setting up of the Independent Press Standards Organisation, which was grudgingly accepted by most publishers and editors. But they refused to allow IPSO to seek official recognition through a royal charter on the understanding that it also inhibits freedom of the press. And IPSO has, so far, proved to be every single bit as toothless as its predecessor.

The fall-out from the Daily Scum Mail's reporting of Michael Ashcroft's allegations about David Cameron in his forthcoming book continues. And, even worse than all the stuff about the pig, 'He smoked dope and listened to Supertramp.' SUPERTRAMP?! What kind of sick individual have we been landed with as our Prime Minister?

Which, one supposed, brings us to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's Middle Class Dope Smoking Hippy 45 of the Day. Skin up, Davey, this one's for you, man. 'Oh, yah, my favourite band when I was at Eton was The Jam and my favourite band at Oxford was The Smiths ...' Busted, y'lying hippy.

Sod that, let's have a bit more Half Man Half Biscuit instead. A popular beat combo that David Cameron has never claimed to be a big fan of. Yet.