Week Forty Two: This Ever Changing World

Filming has, reportedly, concluded on the current series of Doctor Who, with the final shots of the 2014 Christmas episode now in the can. Director Paul Wilmshurst tweeted: 'And that's a wrap on the Doctor Who Xmas [sic] Special. Been a lovely experience - fab crew, fab cast, fab script, fab sets. Thanks everyone!' The special features yer actual Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman her very self, alongside Nick Frost. Filming commenced on 8 September, following the cast's world tour and took place at a number of locations including Vaendre Hall, an Italianate Victorian manor house in St Mellons near Cardiff. The episode is expected to be screened on BBC1e on Christmas Day, with broadcasts following around the world. A wrap party was held for cast and crew on Friday evening to mark the completion of filming on Peter Capalid's first series as The Doctor.

Strictly Come Dancing dominated primetime on Saturday, earning more than nine million overnight viewers. BBC1's dancing competition attracted an audience of 9.06m between 6.20pm and 8.30pm. It peaked at 9.99 million just before 8pm. Meanwhile, The X Factor on ITV was watched by 6.94m from 8pm, with a peak of 7.51m at around 8.45pm. This represents one of The X Factor's lowest ever overnight audience figures for a Saturday episode since its first series in 2004. Elsewhere on BBC1, the latest Doctor Who episode Kill The Moon drew an overnight audience of 4.82m at 8:30pm, more of less exactly the same overnight figure as for its last two episodes. Once again, expect a timeshift of around two million to take that figure up to somewhere approaching seven million punters on final and consolidated totals. The episode had an AI score of eighty two. A very well-trailed episode of Casualty drew 4.74m afterwards, the long-running medical drama's highest overnight audience in some months. On BBC2, an episode of Dad's Army was seen by 1.57m, with Genesis: Together & Apart appealing to 1.4 million stinking lice-ridden hippies afterwards from 9.15pm. Did we fight The Punk Wars for this, dear blog reader? ITV's The Chase was watched by 2.95m in the 7pm hour. Later, Through the Keyhole took 3.53m from 9.20pm. Channel Four aired Aaron Eckhart's war movie Battle: Los Angeles to five hundred and eighty four thousand from 9.20pm. On Channel Five, Joe Kidd and A Fistful Of Dollars drew seven hundred and thirty four thousand and eight hundred and forty seven thousand punters respectively. Midsomer Murders appealed to six hundred and sixty six thousand from 9pm on ITV3.

The X Factor was watched by nearly 8.5 million overnight viewers on Sunday but, once again, lost out in a head-to-head with Strictly. Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads's singing contest drew 8.49m to ITV in the 8pm hour. Elsewhere, Sunday Night At The Palladium was watched by 3.07m from 7pm, and Downton Abbey had an audience of 7.47m from 9pm. On BBC1, the first Strictly Come Dancing results show - which saw Gregg Wallace leaving the competition  at the opening hurdle - attracted 8.84m between 7.20pm and 8pm. Afterwards, Antiques Roadshow and the drama Our Girl garnered 5.41m and 3.64m respectively. BBC2's Wonders Of The Monsoon began with 1.86m from 8pm. It was followed by Sacred Rivers With Simon Reeve with 1.89m. On Channel Four, Operation Maneater concluded with five hundred and ninety nine thousand in the 8pm hour. A terrestrial debut of the George Clooney movie The Descendants earned 1.38m from 9pm. Channel Five showed Welcome To The Jungle, which was seen by six hundred and seventy two thousand punters from 8.05pm.

Grantchester premiered to more than five million overnight viewers on Monday. ITV's new period detective drama series averaged 5.24m in the 9pm hour. it was quite good actually, and it's certainly nice to see Wor Geet Canny Robson Green back on telly doing something a wee bit more taxing than bellowing 'eeeee, it's a whoppa!' as he's just caught something long and wriggly in a tropical location. Stop sniggering at the back. Earlier on ITV, The Undriveables took 2.45m from 8pm. On BBC1, Panorama was watched by 3.1m from 8.30pm. It was followed by the latest episode of New Tricks, which appealed to 4.8m at 9pm. BBC2's University Challenge managed 2.63m from 8pm, before Only Connect attracted 1.87m. New series The Kitchen was watched by an audience of nine hundred and thirty one thousand from 9pm. On Channel Four, Jamie's Comfort Food drew 1.18m from 8pm, and Gadget Man had 1.03m from 8.30pm. Channel Five's Ultimate Police Interceptors gathered eight hundred and seventeen thousand in the 8pm slot. Too Tough To Teach? was watched by four hundred and sixty one thousand afterwards.

The Pride Of Britain Awards was one of the medium-sized ratings winners on Tuesday night. The annual ceremony pulled in 4.6 million overnight viewers for ITV between 8pm and 10pm. On BBC1, the David Morrissey-led drama The Driver had 3.56 million viewers. It was something of a bumper night for BBC2, the channel attracting 2.64 million at 8pm for the first of a three-part Horizon: Cat Watch 2014 and 2.35 million at 9pm for the excellent opening episode of Professor Brian Cox's Human Universe. The latest episode of Later Live ... With Jools Holland added eight hundred and forty thousand at 10pm. On Channel Four, Gordon Ramsay's Costa Del Nightmares pulled in 1.43 million. The latest episode of CSI had nine hundred and eighty six thousand punters at 9pm on Channel Five, while NCIS followed at 10pm with six hundred and forty thousand. Elsewhere, Dave Gorman's Modern Life Is Goodish pulled in a healthy audience for Dave with four hundred and thirteen thousand.

Here, meanwhile, are the final and consolidated ratings figures for the Top Twenty Five programmes for week-ending Sunday 28 September 2014:-
1 Strictly Come Dancing - Sat BBC1 - 9.40m
2 The Great British Bake Off - Wed BBC1 - 9.02m
3 Downton Abbey - Sun ITV - 8.62m*
4 The X Factor - Sun ITV - 8.16m*
5 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 7.25m
6 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 7.04m*
7 Doctor Who - Sat BBC1 - 6.82m
8 Cilla - Mon ITV - 6.70m*
9 Emmerdale - Thurs ITV - 6.26m*
10 The Driver - Tues BBC1 - 5.37m
11 New Tricks - Mon BBC1 - 5.25m
12 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 5.02m
13= Our Girl - Sun BBC1 - 4.90m
13= Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 4.90m
15 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 4.83m
16 Our Zoo - Wed BBC1 - 4.81m
17 Scott & Bailey - Wed ITV - 4.80m*
18 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 4.69m
19 Pointless Celebrities - Sat BBC1 - 4.51m
20 Ten O'Clock News - Fri BBC1 - 4.44m
21 Six O'Clock News - Wed BBC1 - 4.37m
22 Paul O'Grady: For The Love Of Dogs - Thurs ITV - 4.19m*
23 Who Do You Think You Are? - Thurs BBC1 - 4.18m
24 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 3.83m
25 Sunday Night At The London Palladium - Sun ITV - 3.82m*
All ITV programmes this week are marked '*' and do not include include HD figures as, seemingly, the channel didn't bother to post any to BARB. Doctor Who's final figure included a timeshift of 1.92 million viewers over the initial 'live' audience, the first timeshift which has been below two million of the series so far. Sunday evening's episode of The X Factor had a final rating of 7.16 million viewers whilst the Friday night episode could only manage 5.26 million (although, again, it's worth noting that both figures do not include HD viewers). As mentioned last week, ITV's current batch of dramas continued to pull in unexpectedly low figures. The impressive biopic Cilla aside, Scott & Bailey is well down on its last series, whilst the final episode of Chasing Shadows was watched by a mere 3.26 million. BBC2's top rated programme of the week was University Challenge with 2.95m, followed by Gardeners' World (2.28m), Only Connect (2.28m) and Marvellous (2.15m). Channel Four's highest-rated show was Gogglebox (2.97m) followed by Grand Designs (2.56m). Channel Five's best performer was CSI: Crime Scene Investigation with 1.53m. Midsomer Murders was ITV3's best performer with eight hundred and seventy five thousand. Do We Need The Moon? drew BBC4's biggest audience of the week (six hundred and sixty thousand).

Robert Downey Jr praised Doctor Who during an AMA session on Reddit this week. The actor responded to a user who asked whether he would ever go for a role in the long-running BBC family SF drama if given the opportunity. 'It's funny you'd bring that up,' he wrote. 'A writer asked me to watch a particular episode about a month ago, in hopes of helping us break story on a project. An incredible series. Anything's possible.' That horse becoming Pope. For one.

Yer actual Christopher Eccleston is to the lead the cast of ITV's new drama series Safe House. The former Doctor Who actor, currently starring in the US series The Leftovers will play a retired detective in the four-part series, also starring White Collar's Marsha Thomason. Safe House follows the story of Robert (Eccleston), a former police officer and his wife Katy (Thomason) - a couple who are asked by a close friend and police officer, Mark (Paterson Joseph) to turn their remote guest house into a safe house. The first 'guests' to use the facility are a family in protective custody after being violently attacked by a stranger who claimed to know them. Eighteen months previously, Robert was shot trying to protect a star witness due to testify against her gangster husband. Protecting this new family in a similar situation causes Robert to re-examine that terrifying night and, soon, he uncovers a web of lies. Jason Merrells, Nicola Stephenson and Peter Ferdinando will also appear in the drama, set in the Lake District and inspired by real life events. Sounds rather good and the cast is exceptionally strong. Safe House - potentially a returnable series for ITV - has been created and written by Michael Crompton (whose script-writing work includes Silent Witness and Kidnap and Ransom). Filming on the series commences this week.

Martin Freeman his very self and Anthony LaPaglia will star in a BBC2 drama about the televising of the 1961 trial in Israel of Nazi scumbag Adolf Eichmann, one of the main architects of the Holocaust. The Eichmann Show will be the centrepiece of the BBC's season to mark the seventieth anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz-Birkenau, the largest Nazi extermination camp during the Second World War. The ninety-minute film will star Marty as the producer Milton Fruchtman and LaPaglia as director Leo Hurwitz. The Adolf Eichmann trial, described at the time as the 'trial of the century', was televised in thirty seven countries. It was the first time that most people had heard details of the full horror of the death camps and culminated in a sentence of death for Eichmann who was hanged in 1962. Tragically, nobody chose to televise that. The BBC will also broadcast a string of documentaries about remembrance. A Story Of Remembrance will see three women tell their stories to reinforce why the memory of the Holocaust should never be forgotten. Touched By Auschwitz will explore the lives of six individuals since they left the camp at the end of the war, while Holocaust: Freddie Knoller's War tells the story of a ninety three-year-old survivor, who lived a champagne lifestyle with Nazi officers before having to face the horrors of the camps. BBC4 will broadcast Claude Lanzmann's acclaimed 1985 documentary series Shoah, which uses interviews with survivors and perpetrators of the Holocaust and footage of where the deaths took place to convey the severity of what happened. The BBC will also show special editions of Big Questions, asking whether such events could ever happen again, and Sunday Worship, which will feature Canon David Porter preaching about the lessons of the Holocaust. Danny Cohen, the BBC's Director of Television, said: 'The liberation of the camps is a very significant anniversary which the BBC will mark with a range of thought-provoking programmes. Alongside new documentaries and drama from acclaimed performers and producers, the BBC will re-show Shoah in full and provide coverage of the Holocaust Memorial Event [on January 27].'

Artists including Pharrell Williams and One Direction have recorded a cover version of the Beach Boys song 'God Only Knows' to launch the BBC's new music initiative BBC Music. Recalling a similar project fifteen year ago featuring 'Perfect Day', the song was broadcast simultaneously on Tuesday evening on BBC1, BBC2, BBC3, BBC4 and Radio's 1, 2, 4, 6Music and 5Live. The song, which will also be released in aid of Children In Need, features twenty seven artists across all musical genres - most of whom you'll either not have heard of and/or won't like. They include Chris Martin (entirely made of hummus), Sam Smith, Brian May and his ridiculous hair, Jamie Cullum and Nicola Benedetti. Mind you, it also features Sir Elton John, Chrissy Hynde and the song's composer, Brian Wilson so, you know, it's not all wretched tuneless bollocks. BBC local and national radio stations, BBC World Service, 1Xtra, 4 Xtra, Asian Network and BBC iPlayer and iPlayer Radio also came together to play the song at eight o'lock on Tuesday. BBC Music will encompass TV and radio programming, digital services and schemes to support emerging talent including the introduction of classical music to UK primary schools. The collective group of musicians has been named The Impossible Orchestra. Bob Shennan, director of BBC Music, said: 'This Impossible Orchestra is a celebration of all the talent, diversity and musical passion found every single day throughout the BBC." The BBC's new music strategy was unveiled by the corporation in June.'

Tom Hiddleston and the legend that is Huge Laurie are to appear together in a new TV series. They will lead the cast of The Night Manager, a espionage drama based on John Le Carre's novel of the same name, according to The Hollywood Reporter. The BBC will broadcast the series in Great Britain, and is said to be currently seeking a US network to co-produce and screen the adaptation in America. A classic spy novel, first published in 1993, The Night Manager follows Jonathan Pine, a British soldier turned auditor for a luxurious hotel. Pine crosses paths with Sophie, a French-Arab woman with ties to Richard Onslow Roper, an English black marketeer who made his fortune from weapons trading. After Sophie is killed, Pine works with MI6 intelligence operatives and goes undercover as part of a sting operation against Roper to avenge Sophie's death and bring Roper to justice. The TV adaptation - written by David Farr - will mark Laurie's first major television role since House ended in 2012.

Cult 1990s TV series Twin Peaks - a particular favourite of yer actual Keith Telly Topping - is to return with a new series after twenty five years, co-creator David Lynch has said. The unsettling, surreal drama, which explored the murky goings-on in a small US border town after the murder of a local teenager, captivated viewers in 1990 and 1991. The third series will comprise nine episodes and will be broadcast on the Showtime network in the US in 2016. It will, reportedly, be set in the present day, twenty five years after the events of the series two. If you never saw it first time around dear blog reader, you missed a treat. As with much of Lynch's other work, most notably the movie Blue Velvet, Twin Peaks explores the gulf between the veneer of small-town respectability and the seedier layers of life lurking beneath it. As the series progressed, the inner darkness of characters who initially appeared innocent and upright was revealed, as they were seen to be leading double lives. Twin Peaks's unsettling tone and supernatural features were consistent with horror movies, but its sometimes camp, melodramatic portrayal of quirky characters engaged in morally dubious activities reflected a bizarrely comical parody of American soap operas. Like the rest of Lynch's work, the show represented an, at times overly earnest, moral inquiry distinguished by both offbeat humour and a deep vein of surrealism. Great soundtrack too. A statement accompanying Lynch's YouTube video announcing the return said: 'The groundbreaking television phenomenon, Golden Globe and Peabody Award-winner Twin Peaks will return as a new limited series on Showtime in 2016. Series creators and executive producers David Lynch and Mark Frost will write and produce all nine episodes of the limited series.' Frost also gave an interview to Deadline Hollywood talking about the plans for the series. The show won three Golden Globe awards in 1991, including best TV drama series and best actor for Kyle MacLachlan who played FBI Agent Dale Cooper who is drawn into the seedy and surreal town of Twin Peaks as he investigates the mysterious death of Laura Palmer. And, when last seen, was smashing his face against a bathroom mirror whilst gazing at the reflection of Bob, Cooper's doppelgänger from The Black Lodge. Or something. After the series was cancelled in 1991, viewers were taken back to Twin Peaks with a wilfully anti-commercial prequel feature film, the fantastically weird Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, in 1992.

And that - very unexpected but welcome - news brings us to the next lot of Top Telly Tips and that:-

Saturday 12 October
'There were many trains to take the name Orient Express, but only one in space.' Holidays and a certain galaxy-hopping Time Lord are not, usually, a happy mix in Doctor Who - 8:35 BBC1. As proved by Midnight, a previous break which involved a deadly alien mimic and all of the bother that the fifth Doctor went to trying to show Tegan and Turlough The Eye Of Orion or the ninth and tenth numerous Doctors' efforts to show Rose the wonders of Barcelona. So, whilst the seen-it-all Gallifreyan speeds through the stars on one of the most beautiful 'trains' in history, of course it is nothing short of inevitable that he also crosses paths with a lethal creature stalking the passengers aboard the Orient Express. That sort of thing happens to The Doctor quite a lot. You might have noticed, dear blog reader. Anyway, once a poor unfortunate victim claps eyes upon the horrifying Mummy in question, they have just sixty six seconds to live. Why, specifically sixty six as opposed to say, a nice round minute I hear to ponder? You'll have to tune in to find out. As ever, The Doctor faces a race against time to defeat his enemy, a conflict which sees the seasoned traveller at his deadliest and most ruthless. Yer actual Peter Capaldi is joined by guest stars Frank Skinner, David Bamber and Christopher Villiers. Foxes also makes an appearance. She, in case you were wondering, is 'a popular beat combo', m'lud. Or something like that. So, you'd better watch it, dear blog reader. For Foxes sake. Next ...

Brilliantly - and I use that word quite wrongly - some plank in scheduling has had the bright idea of putting the latest episode of Qi XL on BBC2 at 9pm on Saturday this week, starting in the middle of Doctor Who. It was on Sunday last week. Any guesses as to where it'll be next week? That one might even baffle the elves. Question master Stephen Fry continues the popular comedy panel quiz's exploration of subjects beginning with the letter L as he asks a range of fiendish questions on the topic of Location, with points being awarded as usual for interesting answers as well as correct ones, yadda yadda. You know the score by now, dear blog reader, it's been going for twelve series. Irish actress, comedienne and writer Aisling Bea makes her Qi debut appearance, joining fellow stand-ups Jason Manford and Johnny Vegas and regular panellist Alan Davies, who are all hoping they don't fall into the elves' traps and set off the klaxon.

The Code - 9:00 BBC4 - is a, rather good looking, Australian political thriller set in the heart of national government, beginning as reporter Ned Banks is alerted to a strange accident involving a couple of Aboriginal teenagers. Perhaps inevitably, Ned unwittingly gets his computer genius and Asperger's sufferer brother, Jesse, involved in the case. The pair then publish a video of the incident and face the full weight of a political machine desperate to keep the truth out of the public eye. Starring Dan Spielman, Ashley Zukerman and Adele Perovic. Followed immediately by the second episode.

Did We Land On The Moon? - 9:00 on 5* (yes, it's a channel on Freeview, look it up) - is, as you might expect from the title is a documentary exploring claims that the first moon landing was 'an elaborate hoax' designed to fool the general public and enable NASA to beat the Soviets in the space race. The programme examines claims of the suspicious deaths of ten space workers in the months leading up to the historic mission, as well as doubts over the veracity of official photographs. Whether it will also look into the question of why the only people who actually believe the we didn't tend to live in their parents basement with their cat but a very active on the Internet, we don't yet know. But, I wouldn't bank on it. Cos, let's face it, who you gonna trust - Neil, Buzz and the other one or, alternatively, Crazy Larry's Conspiracy Theories As Us Dot Com?

Sunday 11 October
Remember when Homeland - 9:00 Channel Four - used to be must-see viewing? I know, 2012 was a long time ago. Anyway, the multi-award-winning - but now very tired-looking - US drama makes a return to our screens for its fourth season. The last time we saw Carrie Mathison, she was extremely pregnant with the late Sergeant Brody's love child and about to take up a new CIA post overseas. When we catch up with her again in this latest episode, she's been promoted to the position of Chief of Station in Kabul and is about to make the biggest decision of her career - she's received some valuable intelligence about a high value target from her counterpart in Islamabad. Should Carrie trust the information and act on it, or wait for further events to unfold? Meanwhile, Saul Berenson is now working in the private sector but hates it - perhaps it won't be long before he's back in action too. Claire Danes and Mandy Patinkin star.

Gimme Some Truth: John Lennon - 10:30 Sky Arts 1 - is a documentary following the alcoholic, wife-beating Scouse junkie and former Be-Atle and his wife, Yoko Ono, as they recorded the LP Imagine at their Ascot estate in 1971. As an 'official' release sanctioned by his widow in the aftermath of his horrifying murder in 1980 it's, unsurprisingly, a complete whitewash and shows little of the man's many flaws, preferring instead to paint him, as some kind of Gandhi-like martyr. Which he wasn't. Not even close. For masochists and 'Saint John of Strawberry Fields'-style brown tongued sycophants only.

In May 1940, a Mark One Spitfire was shot down and crash-landed on a beach in Northern France, where it slowly sank into the sand. The wreckage was finally recovered in the 1980s and stored in France for more than twenty years. In Guy Martin's Spitfire - 7:30 Channel Four - Guy Martin (no, me neither) joins a two-year project to rebuild the aeroplane, revealing the engineering and skills involved, and providing a fitting homage to the bravery of everyone involved in its service.

The divine Goddess that is Suzi Perry presents action from the sixteenth round of the Formula 1 season at the Sochi Autodrom - 7:00 BBC3 - where the first ever F1 race in the country took place. This season has seen Mercedes team-mates Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg locked in a two-way battle for the title, and victory for either driver could help give them an advantage with just three more races remaining. With commentary by Ben Edwards and David Coulthard, and analysis by Eddie Jordan.

Monday 12 October
An elderly amateur sleuth who was a friend of Danny is 'orribly murdered which, of course, means that Dan his very self ends up embroiled in the case when his photo is found at the scene in the latest episode of New Tricks - 9:00 BBC1. However, the cold case officer becomes convinced that the secret to uncovering her real killer lies within the last case she was working on but, seemingly, he#s too proud to seek the help of his UCoS colleagues. Which is daft frankly, since they're usually rather good at this sort of thing. Picking up where she left off, he travels to the village of Minchampton, where a woman was said to have been murdered by a local lad twenty five years previously. Minchampton Murders, if you will. Don't give them ideas or someone will go and commission it. Meanwhile, Sasha is left to cope with the investigating officer on the modern-day Miss Marple's murder - an overbearing contemporary from her Hendon training, by the name of DCI Grace Mackie - and Steve lets Gerry stay with him when he is evicted, but soon comes to regret the act of kindness. Which, tragically, means Waterman might be required to do some 'acting' this week. The horror.

Poor Sidney. His sister, Jen, bullies him into attending Amanda's engagement dinner but, of course, seeing the love of his life celebrate her betrothal to another man is the last thing the village vicar wants in the second episode of Grantchester - 9:00 TV. So, Sidney sinks a few too many - try saying that when you've had a few - in a bid to make the evening more palatable (or, go more quickly), but it doesn't work. In fact, nobody at the event seems very happy. Tensions rise between Amanda and Jen's old school friends and then matters erupt when Jen's boyfriend Johnny (Ukweli Roach) who is, gasp, one of our Commonwealth cousins is accused of stealing Amanda's engagement ring. Well, he obviously did it. As if that isn't bad enough, the unfortunate Johnny Foreigner is soon accused of murdering one of his fellow guests and evidence at the scene of the crime seems to back up the theory. But Sidney isn't convinced - can he, with some help from Geordie Keating, unmask the real killer before Johnny gets carted off to the Scrubs and, you know, hanged? Period crime drama with James Norton and Robson Green which, on the strength of the first episode, could be ITV's first genre hit since Broadchurch.

Victoria Coren Mitchell hosts as a trio of orienteers takes on three old-fashioned romantics in the general knowledge quiz Only Connect - 8:30 BBC2. The contestants must use patience, lateral thinking and sheer inspiration to make connections between four things that may appear at first not to be linked, with one set of clues consisting of Messiah, Apocalypse, The Heist and Russian Roulette. The answer to which, in case you're wondering, is that they were all the names of Dazzling Derren Brown specials on Channel Four. I thank you. The winning team goes straight through to the next stage of the competition, while the losers will come back for a second chance.

Gotham - 9:00 Channel Five - is a crime thriller based on the early years of the characters from the Batman comics and centres on brave young detective James Gordon. Eager to prove himself the one decent cop in a department that is corrupt and rotten to the core, Jim is partnered with brash, probably on-the-take veteran Harvey Bullock and, on their first day working together, the pair get lumbered with Gotham City's most high profile case - the murder of billionaire couple Thomas and Martha Wayne. Gordon meets the sole survivor at the scene of the crime - the Waynes' twelve-year-old son, Bruce. Moved by the boy's loss, the rookie detective vows to catch the killer. While navigating the shady world of Gotham's criminal justice system, Gordon crosses paths with gang boss Fish Mooney, mob kingpin Carmine Falcone and a whole bunch of characters who will eventually become iconic comic-book villains including a teenage Selina Kyle (who will grow up to be Catwoman), pending Penguin Oswald Cobblepot and the future Riddler, Edward Nygma. With Ben McKenzie, Donal Logue, Sean Pertwee (who is properly terrific as Alfred) and David Mazouz. The first three episodes (all yer actual Keith Telly Topping has seen so far) are quietly impressive - sort of Tim Burton's Goodfellas if you like. It's made by Bruno Heller, the guy who did Rome and The Mentalist so, it's got some pedigree. One worth sticking with, this, I'd suggest.

Tuesday 14 October
Crass, odious full-of-his-own-importance bully Alan Sugar-Sweetie begins his tenth search for new business blood and the fourth since he changed the format from a multi-week job interview to the search for a partner in the start of a new series of The Apprentice - 9:00 BBC1. Lord Sugar-Sweetie who, as the boss of Amstad made the ninth best hi-fi system on the market and the second best satellite system on the market (when there were only two satellite systems on the market) and also owned Stottingtot Hotshots (when they were rubbish) is offering the hopefuls a two hundred and fifty thousand smackers investment in a new start-up company. As usual, the millionaire host sets out his stall with his introductory pep talk, after which the entrepreneurs are divided into teams and it's straight on with the first task - selling the past decade's worth of Apprentice goods in just one day. All the previous selling challenges' merchandise has been combined, and the teams - boys versus girls, of course - must think outside the box to increase their margins. As in previous series, Nick Hewer and Karren Brady are Lord Sugar-Sweetie's 'eyes and ears', but the real fun comes in the boardroom, as the challenge is picked apart and the excuses come thick and fast, before the fired candidate - abused and humiliated on telly in front of millions of viewers - takes a taxi ride home. Continues tomorrow. The Apprentice: You're Fired follows on BBC2.

In episode two of Human Universe - 9:00 BBC2 - yer actual Professor Brian Cox (no, the other one) is off to India, where he assesses arguably the first evidence of rational thought in literature - the poetry of the Vedic monks. They pondered mankind's origins, realising there must have been a day with no yesterday - a day of creation - prompting the age-old question of where did the universe actually come from? Foxy Coxy his very self marvels that we live in a universe which seems to follow set rules - the laws of physics. Rules which have allowed us to consider space on the grandest scale, travelling to the most distant, farthest reaches of the cosmos just by using our minds. And, you know, the Hubble Telescope and a few Saturn Five rockets. Brian also visits Japan, and offers viewers the idea that we live in just one of an infinite number of universes that are being made all the time.

Owen Linder tells Nick and Greg that he managed to escape from an assailant who abducted him and then cut a chunk of flesh out of his leg to eat in CSI - 9:00 Channel Five. Presumably, it tastes like chicken. Doc Robbins then alerts Eussell's team that a severed arm found at a tip bears similar incisions to those found on Linder and he has identified specks of salt and sage around the wounds - and the CSIs' investigation leads them to an online community whose members are sexually aroused by the idea of being eaten or devouring another person. Well, don't we all? Meanwhile, Conrad Ecklie ponders whether he should run for sheriff again.

A television crew begins filming the treatment of patients at the clinic, but Masters worries he is not the right person to be featured in the production in Masters of Sex - 10:00 Mor4. Elsewhere, Johnson is troubled by George asking to take their children on an extended trip with his new wife, and Libby finds in Robert the appreciation that her husband has failed to give her. Starring Michael Sheen and Lizzy Caplan.

Wednesday 15 October
She may be confident at work, but when it comes to relationships, Rachel Bailey is a disaster in Scott & Bailey - 9:00 ITV. She can't get Gill's remarks about her fling with Will out of her head, so ducks out of attending an awards ceremony with him, fearing their colleagues will believe she's sleeping her way to the top. He finally decides that dating her is too much like hard work and so announces they are no longer an item - a move that leaves Rachel gutted and regretting her behaviour. Janet isn't happy either - it's clear her daughter Elise is about to have her heart broken by Eleanor's son Ade. The duo are soon distracted from their woes by a new case involving the murder of a landlord and his wife who were shot at close range in their pub.

In the fading days of the pharaohs, Heracleion was the gateway to Egypt and a port beyond compare, but around twelve hundred years ago a mysterious subsidence led to it being consumed by Mediterranean as we find out in Swallowed by the Sea: Ancient Egypt's Greatest Lost City - 9:00 BBC2. In 2000, archaeologists discovered the city's pristinely preserved remains six kilometres off the Egyptian coast and only ten metres underwater. This documentary follows a team investigating the site, trying to find what caused this sacred city to plunge into the sea and why its inhabitants deliberately sank nearly seventy ancient warships. Presented by Lucy Blue.

The latest Storyville film is The Hunt For The Higgs Boson - 9:00 BBC4 - which follows six scientists during the launch of the Large Hadron Collider, marking the start-up of the biggest and most expensive experiment in history. Experts from more than one hundred countries joined forces in pursuit of a single goal - to recreate conditions that existed just moments after the Big Bang and find the Higgs Boson, potentially explaining the origin of all matter. Or, as Mad Frankie Boyle calls it 'The Black Hole Machine'. Whichever. Filmed over seven years, this documentary is a celebration of discovery and reveals the human stories behind an epic machine, providing an insight into a significant and inspiring scientific breakthrough as it happens.

Captivated: The Trials of Pamela Smart - 9:00 Sky Atlantic - is a documentary exploring the impact of America's first televised court case. In 1991, twenty three year old Pamela Smart stood trial for persuading her teenage lover and his friends to extremely murder her husband. She was later convicted of being an accomplice to first-degree murder, conspiracy to commit murder and witness tampering and is currently serving a life sentence. The film re-examines the details of the case, charting its influence on American culture over the past twenty years and how the unprecedented media attention may have influenced the outcome.

Thursday 16 October
As Peaky Blinders, Birmingham's answer to Boardwalk Empire, continues - 9:00 BBC2 - Tommy (Cillian Murphy) has recovered from his near fatal beating and comes up with a plan to take control of the southern racecourses. He also sees an opportunity to move up in the world, and has his head turned by the aristocratic May Carleton (Charlotte Riley). However, there are nefarious deeds afoot for the charismatic anti-hero when London gangster Darby Sabini (Noah Taylor) and Major Campbell (Sam Neill) plan his downfall. Helen McCrory and Tom Hardy also feature in the stylish period drama from Oscar and BAFTA-nominated writer Steven Knight, the brains behind Dirty Pretty Things, Eastern Promises and Hardy's recent movie, Locke.

The Great Fire - 9:00 ITV - is a drama detailing the stories of the people of London during the Great Fire of 1666. Widower and single father Thomas Farriner is The King's Baker, currently providing the Navy with bread and biscuits from his Pudding Lane bakery. His sister-in-law Sarah often helps out at the shop - a distraction from the fact her wayward husband (who is Thomas's brother) has been missing at sea for months now. Thomas is dismayed to learn from Navy official Samuel Pepys that it's unlikely he'll be paid for his latest job, owing to the expense of the war against the Dutch. However, he instead sends the baker away with a letter that could be the key to Sarah's closure. Meanwhile, in the Palace of Whitehall, King Charles attends a stately dance, where an attempt on his life is foiled. Later, Thomas returns to find the bakery ablaze, with his two daughters asleep upstairs. Starring Andrew Buchan, Rose Leslie and Jack Huston.

Chris Lintott and Maggie Aderin-Pocock turn their telescopes to the mysterious Uranus and Neptune, focusing particularly on their powerful winds and exotic atmospheres in the latest The Sky At Night - 7:30 BBC4. Plus, award-winning astro-photographer Damian Peach shares his tips for capturing the two planets in the night sky.

The Knick - 9:00 Sky Atlantic - is a much-trailed US medical drama set in 1900 following the professional and personal lives of the staff of New York's Knickerbocker Hospital. Doctor John Thackery has just been appointed chief of surgery and aspires to achieve the seemingly impossible in the operating theatre, despite a worsening addiction to cocaine and opium, while he is also reluctant to take on black doctor Algernon Edwards as his assistant at the request of benefactor Cornelia Robertson. Directed by Steven Soderbergh and starring Clive Owen, Juliet Rylance and Andre Holland.

Club president Terry wants to help Andy and Lance search a paddock at Bishop's Farm, only because he is convinced that is where Larry Bishop has buried his missing wife in Detectorists - 10:00 BBC4. Meanwhile, Lance tries to get his ex-partner to see him perform at a local pub's folk music night. Comedy, starring Mackenzie Crook and Toby Jones.

Friday 17 October
Friday night is, of course, comedy night on the BBC so we've got Would I Lie To You?- 8:30 BBC1 - and an episode without regular team captain Lee Mack (he must've been off recording Not Going Out that night, presumably). Greg Davies is taking his place as guest captain and joining him and David Mitchell are choir leader Gareth Malone, Sherlock actress Amanda Abbington, comedian and Never Mind The Buzzcocks panellist Phill Jupitus and Pointless co-host Richard Osman. At 9pm there's the latest Have I Got News For You. Frank Skinner started the week on BBC1, guest starring in his beloved Doctor Who on Saturday - now he ends it hosting the long-running news quiz. The guest panellists are comedienne Sara Pascoe and BBC political editor Nick Robinson, while Ian Hislop and Paul Merton make up the numbers, poking fun at the stories of the past seven days or so. And, speaking of Not Going Out, the sitcom returns for a new series at 9:30. Lee Mack's not having much luck with lights these days, whether it's the fizzling sign at the start of this show, the blackout during his recent Sheffield gig, or the dimly lit area at the start of this seventh series. Lee and Lucy have enjoyed a spot of yer actual culture at their local cinema, but the sparkle of a French movie is soon diminished when the romantic walk home finds them in an imposing underpass. Lucy has her handbag stolen by a bunch of cocky youths from under Lee's nose. Given the fact that he failed to protect her, or come up with an accurate description of their muggers to the police, Lee feels the urge to prove his manliness to his flatmate, but will a spell at the local boxing ring be a help or a hindrance? Sally Bretton and Katy Wix also star. And finally there's Qi - 10:00 BBC2 - with a range of fiendish questions about Literature and Language. Stand-up comedian Lloyd Langford makes his debut appearance on the programme, joining worthless, unfunny lanky streak of piss Jack Whitehall, Only Connect host the divine Victoria Coren Mitchell and regular panellist Alan Davies.

Most people, when they retire, look forward to having more time to themselves to enjoy all the things they never had time to do when they were working. But not Robbie Lewis. When this series of Lewis - 9:00 ITV - returned for a new run, he was a man lost and, despite his attempts to build a wooden canoe, was feeling rudderless. So, he jumped at the chance to take up Jean Innocent's offer to return to the police force, albeit in a temporary capacity. He and James Hathaway are working together again, but with the younger man in charge of a case involving the murder of a neurosurgeon. Sadly, when this episode gets under way, Hathaway's theory about whodunnit falls apart - his prime suspect is found murdered. But is he a big enough man to accept some advice from his former mentor?

Liz, Ressler and Samar investigate the black market trade in human organs run by a deranged doctor, following the discovery of a man with his heart cut out in the latest episode of The Blacklist - 9:00 Sky Living. Meanwhile, Red pursues a lucrative opportunity in Indonesia, but his trip takes a dramatic detour.

Anarchy in Manchester - 10:30 Sky Arts 1 - features another classic selection of highlights from Tony Wilson's groundbreaking 1970s Granada TV music show So It Goes, with performances by Elvis Costello & The Attractions, Magazine and Siouxsie & The Banshees.

And, so to the news: Ray Winstone and Amanda Redman will star in new ITV drama The Trials Of Jimmy Rose. The series will tell the story of the titular armed robber, whose lifetime of crime and blagging with shootahs has had its costs. His wife Jackie battles with thoughts that she no longer loves her husband, while their adult children decide to cut Jimmy out of their lives. The three-part series follows Jimmy as he is released from stir and tries to adapt to his family's new take on his lifestyle. Winstone said: 'Alan Whiting has created and written a gift of a role. I'm excited to be playing him and to be working with the great Amanda Redman. She's such a fine actress, and together with Adrian Shergold and the production team, I'm sure we'll be able to bring Jimmy and Jackie to life.' The Trials Of Jimmy Rose also features Marion Bailey, Sue Anderson and Paul Jesson, and will start production in Manchester next month. Winstone and Redman previously starred together as a husband and wife in the 2000 film Sexy Beast.

BBC1 has officially ordered a final, three-part series of Wallander. Filming will commence shortly on a new trilogy of ninety-minute episodes, starring Sir Kenneth Branagh as Inspector Kurt Wallander. As previously rumoured, the first film is based on Henning Mankell's 1993 novel The White Lioness and has been adapted for the screen by [spooks] writer James Dormer. The following episode will comprise a two-part adaptation of Mankell's last Wallander novel, The Troubled Man, by Peter Harness. Branagh said: 'I always approach each series of Wallander with anticipation and excitement, but this last series of films contain some of the greatest challenges the character has ever faced. It's a privilege to try to meet them, and I look forward to a great Swedish Autumn working on Henning Mankell's masterly creation.' Ben Stephenson, the Controller of BBC Drama Commissioning, added: 'It is only right that we bring the final chapter of the brilliant and ground-breaking Wallander to BBC1 which is set to be a dark, thrilling and emotional finale. Thanks to the incredible cast and production for bringing four series of this genre shaping drama to our BBC audience.' Wallander has broadcast a total of nine ninety-minute films since it began in 2008, earning multiple BAFTA Awards, plus EMMY and Golden Globe nominations.

Dallas, the remake of the classic 1980s US TV soap opera, has been extremely cancelled after three seasons by cable and satellite network TNT. The network said, rather bluntly: 'TNT has decided not to renew Dallas', adding that it had 'defied expectations by standing as a worthy continuation of the Ewing saga.' TNT thanked 'everyone involved in the show' and the people of Dallas 'for their warm and generous hospitality.' The series followed the fortunes of Texan oil family the Ewings. It was shown on TNT in the US and on Channel Five in the UK. The original Dallas aired from 1978 to 1991 and centred on a long and bitter rivalry between brothers JR Ewing, played by Larry Hagman, and Bobby Ewing, played by Patrick Duffy. It began as a mini-series in 1978 and went on to become one of the most-watched television shows around the world for thirteen years. The three hundred and fifty six episodes were seen by an estimated three hundred million people in fifty seven countries. The new version followed the power struggles within two feuding Texan oil and cattle-ranching families, focusing on John Ross Ewing and Christopher Ewing as they clashed over the future of the family dynasty. 90210 star Josh Henderson, who appeared as a child in the original series, played John Ross, the son of JR, while Desperate Housewives's Jesse Metcalfe was Christopher, the son of Bobby Ewing. Original cast members Hagman, Duffy and Linda Gray also returned to Southfork. In November 2012 Hagman died at the age of eighty one from cancer and cirrhosis of the liver. The series was rewritten to reflect this, incorporating his death into the storyline.

The BBC will not show repeats of Top Of The Pops featuring the convicted groper and right bad 'un Dave Lee Travis his hairy self, who was found extremely guilty of indecent assault last month. The BBC pulled repeat episodes of the popular chart rundown show hosted by Travis from its schedule on BBC4 following the broadcaster's arrest in November 2012. On Wednesday, a spokeswoman confirmed that 'the BBC will not show Top Of The Pops repeats fronted by Dave Lee Travis.' Naughty old scallywag Travis was given a three-month suspended sentence last month. The spokeswoman added: 'We will consider any other archive appearances on a case by case basis.' It follows the BBC's decision to allow Jonathan King to appear in a BBC2 documentary about Genesis last week. King was convicted of child sex offences in 2001. He was extremely sentenced to seven years Richard III and released from prison in 2005. The BBC said that his inclusion in the film, Genesis: Together and Apart, reflected the 'significant role' King played in the history of Genesis, whom he discovered and whose first LP he produced. His appearance has reportedly led to twenty complaints to the BBC, while broadcasting regulator Ofcom is assessing three complaints which it received - seemingly from people with nothing better to occupy their time. In September, Travis was convicted of indecently assaulting a researcher working on TV's The Mrs Merton Show in 1995. The sixty nine-year-old, who was tried under his real name David Griffin, appeared on Radio 1 for more than twenty five years until 1993 when he stormed off in a stroppy huff and was a regular host of Top Of The Pops during the 1970s and early 80s. Last month, the BBC apologised for airing an excerpt from a 1971 edition of Top Of The Pops in which disgraced and disgraceful old scallywag and right rotten rotter Jimmy Savile was, briefly, shown. Programmes featuring Savile were supposed to have been pulled following revelations of his history of sick and sordid abuse, while archive footage showing convicted sex offender Gary Glitter has also been removed from editions of the show. King's appearance in a 2011 re-run of Top Of The Tops was edited out, prompting him to complain to the BBC. He called it a 'Stalinist revision of history' and was assured by the then BBC director general Mark Thompson that this would not happen again.

Techno-savvy Britons spent an average of more than five hours a week watching TV shows, clips and films on Internet-connected devices in the first half of 2014 largely due to the popularity of tablets and smartphones. TV programmes proved to be the most popular form of online content viewed by UK users, at an average of two hours and thirty five minutes a week, according to a report from the Internet Advertising Bureau. Films were watched an average of one hour fifty minutes a week, and video clip views averaged fifty one minutes. The rest of their time online is either spent looking at porn, trolling or talking utter trivial bollocks on Twitter that no one else is interested in. Obviously. 'A third of online viewers, particularly thirty five to forty four-year-olds, are watching more TV, films and clips online than a year ago,' said the IAB's chief strategy officer, Tim Elkington. 'Average weekly viewing online amounts to twenty five videos, four to five TV episodes and one film.' Londoners averaged the most time watching online TV (three hours six minutes) and films (two hours twenty seven minutes), possibly because of the amount of time many commuters spend on public transport with their smartphones and tablets trying not to talk to anyone. However, Elkington added that an interesting finding of the IAB report is that half of people watching TV, films or video clips online do so with other family members and three in ten watch with friends. Some, in the bath. 'Watching video on [Internet] connected devices is becoming an increasingly social activity, like traditional TV,' he said. This viewing boom has fuelled a surge in the amount companies spent in general on Internet, smartphone and tablet advertising which rose by over sixteen per cent year-on-year in the first half of 2014 in the UK to a record £3.46bn. Mobile advertising in particular has seen a massive boom rising sixty eight per cent year-on-year. It now accounts for one in every five knicker spent on all digital advertising, according to the report.

The Advertising Standards Authority has banned a TV advert by payday lender Wonga, after a complaint by a charity. Citizens Advice argued that the advert - in which a man jotted down figures on a napkin before checking on his phone calculator - breached regulations by not revealing the loan's interest rate. One of Wonga's 'pensioner puppets' is seen telling the man: 'You appear to be in a financial quandary, young fellah.' The ASA ruled that the advert must not appear again in its current form. Adverts from a handful of other payday lenders were banned by the ASA in July for falling foul of advertising codes. Wonga, which has faced heavy criticism for its high interest rates and debt collection tactics, has not had any TV advertising since June, when a new chairman joined the firm. The company said that this ruling related to an old advert and there was 'an ongoing review' of its marketing. The company recently announced it was writing off two hundred and twenty million smackers of debts for three hundred and thirty thousand customers after putting in place 'new affordability checks.' The advert banned by the ASA contained the line: 'Yes - you can even pay back early and save money.' It ended by displaying a web address. The regulator considered this 'an incentive to apply for credit', and said that, consequently, the representative annual percentage rate, or interest rate, should have been displayed. Responding to the ruling, the chief executive of Citizens Advice, Gillian Guy, said: 'Adverts must be clear about what taking out a loan means and how much it will cost. The consequences are really serious when payday lending goes wrong. High interest rates and fees can mean that a small loan balloons into a huge debt.' He added that 'both the advertising and payday loan industries need to look at why so many adverts are not meeting the grade and change their ways.'

Ofcom has resolved complaints which arose from Sky News' coverage of the Malaysian Airlines flight MH17 crash, which saw journalist Colin Brazier look through a dead passenger's luggage. Sky's rolling news channel aired a live report from the crash site in Eastern Ukraine on 20 July. The plane had crashed three days previously, killing all two hundred and ninety eight people on board. Ofcom received two hundred and five complaints from viewers after Brazier was seen picking up items from a suitcase which had belonged to a passenger. Whilst handling the items, he said: 'Here are, I think it's a small girl's bag by the look of things; a set of keys, toothbrush.' However, he immediately returned the items to the case, saying: 'We shouldn't really be doing this, I suppose really.' Not shit, Sherlock. Ofcom ruled that the content 'may' violate rule 2.3 of their regulations, which states that material which 'may cause offence', such as 'violation of human dignity', must be 'appropriately justified' by its context. Sky responded that it 'fell short of the high standards' to which the network claims it aspires on this particular occasion, and that it would 'revise' its guidelines for journalists in order to 'make them more aware' of the regulations of reporting on sensitive issues. They also pointed out that Brazier had immediately recognised his shocking lapse in judgement and apologised for it live on-air, as well as later releasing a written statement of grovelling apology. Ofcom ruled that Brazier's actions had 'the potential' to cause offence and that this was 'not mitigated' by his immediate apology. They further ruled that the offence was 'not justified' by the context and that rule 2.3 had been breached. They did take into account Brazier's written apologies and the fact that Sky has revised its guidelines in the wake of the event. They also considered that Brazier had been reporting from 'an emotionally charged situation', which presented 'the need for immediate and difficult decisions.'

A sixty three-year-old woman who was accused of targeting Internet abuse at the family of Madeleine McCann has been found dead in a hotel. Brenda Leyland, from Burton Overy in Leicestershire, was accused of being one of the so-called 'trolls' directing abusive messages at the McCanns. Her body was found days after she was doorstepped outside her home by a Sky News reporter. Madeleine McCann, just in case oyu've been living in a cave for the last decade, disappeared whilst on a holiday in Portugal in 2007. Leyland was confronted by the reporter - Martin Brunt - who put to her that she had posted messages attacking the family on Twitter via the handle Sweepy Face. She replied: 'I'm entitled to do that.' A spokesman for Leicestershire Police said: 'Police were called at 13:42 on Saturday 4 October to reports of a body of a woman in a hotel room in Smith Way, Grove Park [in Leicester]. Officers have attended the scene and a file is being prepared for the coroner. The death is not being treated as suspicious.' Sky issued a statement saying: 'We were saddened to hear of the death of Brenda Leyland. It would be inappropriate to speculate or comment further at this time.' Brunt – who has himself become the subject of online abuse - is said, by the Gruniad Morning Star if not anyone more credible, to be 'upset' by Leyland’s death but has not yet made any comment. A Facebook campaign has been set up calling for Brunt to be sacked over the issue. At the time of writing in had just over eighteen hundred members.

The BBC has defended EastEnders recent rape storyline after two hundred and seventy eight complaints were made following Monday's episode. The episode showed the before and aftermath of a rape inflicted on pub landlady Linda Carter by Dean Wicks. It was watched by a peak audience of 7.3m viewers and an average of seven million, according to overnight figures. In a statement, the BBC said: 'At no point have there been any scenes of a graphic nature, in fact the attack on Linda was implied and not explicit. We have been extremely mindful of the content within the episode and the timeslot in which it was shown.' The BBC added: 'EastEnders has a rich history of tackling difficult issues and Linda's story is one of these. We have worked closely with Rape Crisis and other experts in the field to tell this story which we hope will raise awareness of sexual assaults and the issues surrounding them. We have also taken great care to signpost this storyline prior to transmission, through on-air continuity and publicity as well as providing an action line at the end of the episode which offers advice and support to those affected by the issue.'

Programmes will now be available on BBC iPlayer for thirty days. This means that viewers can catch up on BBC programming for a month after original air dates, instead of the previous seven days. Tony Hall, Director General at the BBC, said: 'BBC iPlayer pioneered online viewing. It is recognised as not just the first, but the best service of its type in the world. It offers amazing value. But we want to go further. That's why we began reinventing iPlayer earlier this year with a brand new redesign and features. Extending the catch-up window to thirty days now makes the best value on-demand service even better. We have a fantastic autumn schedule and the public will now have more opportunities to watch the shows they love.' The change comes in time for the BBC's autumn schedule of programming, which includes Doctor Who, Peaky Blinders and The Fall, as well as radio shows including The Archers and Just A Minute. Programmes that are already available for more than seven days will remain unaffected by the change, as will the BBC Radio podcast services. The BBC also unveiled the Top Twenty most-requested programmes on the iPlayer from January to August, with Sherlock's third series opener The Empty Hearse with 3.6 million requests. The Top Five was rounded out by three episodes of Top Gear, including part one of the Burma Special' and Murdered By My Boyfriend. Earlier this year, the BBC Trust announced that it had approved plans to introduce the thirty-day catch-up window, which was expected to launch in the summer.

And now ...

After recent events involving allegedly uneven bridges, unbroadcast nursery rhymes and registration plates in Argentina, the Top Gear team is, understandably, picking its jokes more carefully than usual. But even they, one imagines, could not have foreseen the rank and glorious unhappiness they would cause one complete and total plank, sorry, viewer over Jezza Clarkson referring to the Nissan Qashqais as the Nissan Kumquat. One viewer, it would seem, whinged to the BBC in February about Clarkson's choice of words in an episode shown that month. According to an appeal made to the BBC Trust, the complainant, said that 'Jeremy Clarkson was "pronouncing Nissan Qashqai as Nissan Kumquat and [he] would like to know why."' The whinger in question said that he had a car of this type himself - which explains much - and no one on the programme had explained why they were not saying the name correctly. And, let us once again simply marvel at the complete and utter crap that some people chose to care about. BBC Audience Services responded a few days later, explaining - one imagines slowly and, possibly with the use of graphs - that Kumquat was 'a nickname' that Jeremy had given the car and had referred to the 'Nissan Kumquat' for quite a few series of the BBC's popular motoring show without anybody mentioning it. The whinger in question was, seemingly, somewhat unhappy with this response saying that 'his question as to why the car was given the nickname "Kumquat" had not been answered.' The BBC, by this time one suspects, getting thoroughly narked, further explained, in a letter this time, that: 'It is simply a nickname for the vehicle, a play on words. Obviously the two words share a phonetic syllable similarity thus like Jeremy does with literally countless car names, he jokingly substituted one with the other, the kumquat of course being an exotic fruit.' In April, after two months of what the BBC described, far more politely than this blogger could have managed, as 'a high number and length of calls' made to the corporation by this joker, he then appealed to the BBC Trust. Who, of course, have nothing better to do with their time and energy than deal with trivial and banal shite the likes of this. In its September appeals round-up the Trust went into five pages of detail about the case (see from page thirty eight onwards if you want a right good laugh), concluding that it had decided not to put it to appeal as: 'Decisions relating to the use of a wordplay in how to describe a car, or which presenter should work on a programme were editorial and creative matters that rested with the BBC.' It also noted that at all stages of this procedure, a complaint may not be investigated if it: a) fails to raise an issue of breach of the Editorial Guidelines or, b) is trivial, misconceived, hypothetical, repetitious or otherwise vexatious. Sadly, they did not name the individual concerned or tell him to stop wasting their time on such nonsense. They, presumably, didn't do that because they are far too polite to do so. But, as previously noted, I'm not. After dealing with such a tortuous, pointless and almost certainly agenda-soaked complaint, one imagines that being stoned by locals in Argentina - allegedly - must have seemed a welcome break for Jezza, Richard and Captain Slowly.

Morrissey has told a Spanish newspaper he has had treatment to remove 'cancerous tissues.' The ex-Smiths frontman has battled bouts of ill health in recent years but revealed that the cancer treatment during an interview with El Mundo. 'They have scraped cancerous tissues four times already, but whatever,' he said. 'If I die, then I die. And if I don't, then I don't. Right now I feel good.' The singer played in Lisbon on Monday. He is at the start of a European tour that is due to end in Greece in December.

A total lunar eclipse will be visible across much of the Americas and Asia on Wednesday. The event begins at eight o'clock GMT and will reach totality before sunrise. During the eclipse - which is the second to occur this year - our satellite will be fully covered by the Earth's shadow. The Moon appears orange or red, the result of sunlight scattering off our atmosphere, hence the term Blood Moon. Weather permitting, skywatchers in North America, Australia, Western South America and parts of East Asia will be able to see the spectacle. However, Europe, Africa and the Eastern part of Brazil will miss out on the show. The last total lunar eclipse occurred on 15 April and the next is expected to take place on 4 April 2015. There will be two full lunar eclipses again next year.

Geoffrey Holder, the TONY-winning actor, dancer and choreographer known to millions as Baron Samedi in the James Bond movie Live and Let Die, has died at eight four. Born in Port of Spain in Trinidad, Holder was also a composer, a designer and a celebrated painter. He will be best remembered to many as the cackling voodoo villain who dogged Roger Moore's footsteps in his first outing as 007. Holder's other films included 1982 musical Annie, in which he played Punjab. Often cast in exotic roles, he played a tribal chieftain in 1967 film Doctor Dolittle and a sorcerer in Woody Allen's Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask). More recently, his distinctive bass voice was heard narrating Tim Burton's 2005 film version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Holder, one of four children, was taught to dance by his older brother Boscoe, joining his dance company at the age of seven. He became director of the company in the late 1940s after Boscoe relocated to London, before moving to the US in 1954. Holder made his Broadway debut that same year in House of Flowers, a Caribbean-themed musical in which he first played a character based on Baron Samedi. A top-hatted spirit of death in Haitian voodoo culture, the character made full use of the actor's imposing physique and physical dexterity. He won two TONY Awards for best costume design and musical direction in the original Broadway production of The Wiz, an all-black version of The Wizard of Oz. He also appeared in an all-black version of Waiting for Godot. According to a family spokesman, he died on Sunday in New York from complications caused by pneumonia, He is survived by his wife, Carmen de Lavallade, and their son Leo.

For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, here's Macca.