Tuesday, April 01, 2014

Z Is For "This Seemed Like A Good Idea When I Started, Thank God It's Over"

ITV's The Widower rose by over the hundred thousand overnight viewers for its finale on Monday. The Reece Shearsmith and John Hannah fronted drama topped the night outside of soaps with 5.5 million punters at 9pm. Earlier, I Never Knew That About Britain was watched by 2.89m at 8pm. On BBC1, Silk also climbed by over two hundred thousand for its final ever episode to 4.09m at 9pm. The Michael McIntyre Chat Show bounced back by over two hundred thousand, albeit to a still not very good 1.99m at 10.35pm. Earlier, Bang Goes the Theory was watched by 3.42m at 7.30pm, while Panorama had an audience of by 1.88m at 8.30pm. BBC2's University Challenge semi-final attracted 3.17m at 8pm, followed by Mary Berry Cooks with 3.02m at 8.30pm. The Plantagenets concluded with 1.55m at 9pm, while the latest episode of Rev had 1.46m at 10pm. On Channel Four, Nigel Farage: Who Are You? interested seven hundred and eighty five thousand at 7.30pm. Shop Secrets gathered 1.02m at 8.30pm, followed by One Born Every Minute with 1.82m at 9pm. Our Gay Wedding: The Musical entertained four hundred and forty two thousand at 10pm. Channel Five's Police Interceptors attracted 1.03m at 8pm. Conned, Fleeced And Left For Broke brought in eight hundred and seventy six thousand at 9pm, while The Disappearance of Flight MH370 was seen by eight hundred and thirty thousand at 10pm. BBC3's Life And Death Row concluded with seven hundred and forty three thousand at 9pm.

The Musketeers concluded its first series with a fraction under four million overnight viewers on Sunday evening. The BBC1 period drama dipped by over one hundred thousand viewers week-on-week to 3.98m at 9pm. Still just about enough to convince the Beeb that renewing it for a second series was a good idea but one had to suspect that if the audience next year drops much below that, a third series isn't an automatic. Of course, overseas sales may well help. Earlier, Countryfile attracted the highest audience of the night on either side with 6.24m at 7pm, followed by Antiques Roadshow with 4.78m at 8pm. Match Of The Day 2 scored 2.69m at 10.35pm. On ITV, Endeavour returned for a new series with 5.03m at 8pm. This is around six hundred thousand punters less than last year's series opener, but up over one hundred thousand more overnight viewers than the crime drama's last broadcast episode. Catchphrase was watched by 3.42m at 6pm, followed by Surprise, Surprise with a not-especially unsurprising 3.36m at 7pm. BBC2's Great Barrier Reef repeat brought in nine hundred and sixty five thousand punters at 7pm, while new series Border Country interested 1.25m at 8pm. Louis Theroux's LA Stories had an audience of 1.62m at 9pm. On Channel Four, the documentary Secret History gathered 1.13m at 8pm. The movie The Woman In Black was watched by 1.74m at 9pm. Channel Five's Bulletproof Monk attracted six hundred and eighty six thousand at 7pm. Top Forty Ultimate Action Movies was seen by five hundred and eighty seven thousand.

Here are the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Five programmes, week-ending Sunday 23 March:-
1 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 9.01m
2= Sport Relief - Fri BBC1 - 8.02m
2= EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 8.02m
4 Ant and/or Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway - Sat ITV - 7.32
5 Emmerdale - Mon ITV - 7.27m
6 The Voice - Sat BBC1 - 7.14m
7 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 6.76m
8 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 6.59m
9 Shetland - Tues BBC1 - 6.16m
10 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 5.92m
11 The Widower - Mon ITV - 5.84m*
12 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 5.33m
13 BBC News - Sat BBC1 - 5.32m
14 DIY SOS: The Big Build - Wed BBC1 - 5.26m
15 The Musketeers - Sun BBC1 - 5.25m
16 Mr Selfridge - Sun ITV - 5.23m*
17= Silk - Mon BBC1 - 5.10m
17= The National Lottery: Saturday Draws - Sat BBC - 5.10m
19 Ten O'Clock News - Fri BBC1 - 4.84m
20 Match Of The Day - Sat BBC1 - 4.76m
21 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.75m
22 The ONE Show - Tues BBC1 - 4.57m
23 UEFA Champions League - Tues ITV - 4.47m
24 Line Of Duty - Wed BBC2 - 4.12m
25 Sport Relief - Fri BBC2 - 4.03m
ITV programmes marked '*' do not include HD figures. BBC2's top-rated show of the week apart from Line Of Duty and the channel's half-hour of Sports Relief was The Great British Sewing Bee (3.36m), followed by University Challenge (3.13m) and Turks & Caicos (3.01m). Channel Four's highest-rated show was Inside Rolls Royce with 2.90m. The Mentalist was Channel Five's best performer with 1.70m.

On Monday morning, dear blog reader, yer actual Keith Telly Topping's increasingly regular sciatica flared up again with an attack of gargantuan proportions. Something pure dead rotten, so it was with the knacking and that. Thus, he was forced to take lots of pain-killers and lie on the sofa watching The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes. Well, I say forced ... Mentioning this, subsequently, on Facebook that led to a lengthy discussion thread a'tween yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self and, in no particular order, his old friend Sean Brady, the actor, broadcaster and Keith Telly Topping's sometime writing partner Alfie Joey, the author (and, once upon a time, Keith Telly Topping's editor) Paul Simpson and The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat his very self (you all know who he is, right?) This touched upon, among other things, whether the five minute scene in The Private Lives between Robert Stephens and Clive Revill at the Russian ballet is one of, if not the funniest sequence in all film, ever! ('Doctor Watson, he is your ... Glass Of Tea, yes?'); whether Nigel Bruce was a good Watson or not; why has every adaptation of The Saint since the 1970s (on both the big and small screen) has been wretched; who had the better suits Roger Moore or Tony Curtis; just how bad is the recent US remake of The Tomorrow People and ... you know, other stuff. You really had to be there, dear blog reader.
During the course of this, however, the force of The Moffinator's argument that the Basil Rathbone/Nigel Bruce movies really aren't, as yer actual Keith Telly Topping always believed, not very good (largely because I've always had something of a problem with Bruce's John Watson) but are, in fact, brilliant led to yer actual Keith Telly Topping purchasing the recently remastered Sherlock Holmes - The Definitive Collection DVD box-set (which he found for fifteen quid on Play, so, hey bargain). This blogger tends to judge the relative success or failure of any Sherlock Holmes adaptation on how Watson is portrayed. So, for that reason, I've never been a great fan of the Rathbone/Bruce movies (despite Rathbone being terrific 'em) or, indeed, the 1960s BBC series (where Nigel Stock played a character who seemed like he'd have difficulty tying his own shoelaces!) Whereas Keith Telly Topping really did enjoy the Jeremy Brett adaptations, the excellent Murder By Decree (James Mason is great in that, especially the 'you squashed my pea' bit), A Study In Terror and Hammer's Hound (Andre Morrell, possibly the definitive Watson ... until Marty Freeman, obviously). However, this made yer man Moffat fair explode with incandescent fury and righteous indignation! 'Private Life is a glory. My favourite film, whenever The Princess Bride isn't. But you're WRONG about Nigel Bruce. He is WONDERFUL and hilarious,' Steven told Keith telly Topping in no uncertain terms. 'Not quite Doyle's Watson, but a gorgeous creation in his own right. He and Rathbone together are magic, I could watch them all day. And do. Now go and read the openings to The Dancing Men and The Valley Of Fear and tell me you can't hear Bruce's voice in every Watson line! Spiderwoman! Has cinema ever been so much fun? There's enough plot for a series arc, and it's only fifty nine minutes [long]. The scene where Moriarty visits Holmes in The Woman In Green - ascending the stairs as Sherlock plays the violin - we ripped off for The Reichenbach Fall. There's a load of great stuff in those Universal movies. You won't regret it. Such brilliant fun. The first two are set in the proper period, but the updated ones are rather more fun. The Scarlet Claw! The Pearl Of Death! Spiderwoman!' So, that was yer actual Keith Telly Topping well and truly told. I actually did have about six or eight of the movies on video somewhere in the bowels of Stately Telly Topping Manor's extensive archives. And, this blogger does have very fond memories of the first two, Hound of the Baskervilles and The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, which he remembers from late Saturday night horror double bills on BBC2 in late 1970s (for some reason, this blogger always associates them with being on holiday in the Isle of Wight. Probably, for the simple reason that he was on holiday on the Isle of Wight when he watched a lot of them with the late Father Telly Topping). Ah, them was the days. So, anyway, y'see that, Steven, with persuasive powers such as you clearly possess you should be in marketing rather than telly. (And, one hopes the Rathbone and Bruce estates have you on a retainer for all these royalties you're blagging them.)
BBC F1 presenter the divine Goddess that is Suzi Perry has said that turning down the opportunity to present Top Gear was 'a bad decision.' Sexy Suzi, who is the first permanent female presenter of F1 on British TV, spoke to Top Gear producers about joining hosts Jezza Clarkson Richard Hammond and Jason Dawe (the one nobody remembers) before the show's relaunch in 2002. However, she insisted that she has no regrets about the way her career has unfolded. Asked by the Daily Torygraph about her worst business decision, she said: 'Years ago, when TV was about to bring Top Gear back and rebrand it with Jeremy, James [May] and Richard, I sat down and talked to Andy Wilman, the series producer, about joining them. I remember thinking, "I might be out of my depth and it might not be a good idea", instead of grabbing the opportunity. Looking back, I may have made a large error, but it's not like I didn't work for the next fifteen years. I don't regret it - but it was probably a bad decision.' In actual fact, the divine Suzi is mistaken, James May wasn't on board at that stage, he arrived a year later at the start of series two. Suzi covered MotoGP for the BBC for thirteen years from 1997 and co-hosted Channel Five's The Gadget Show for nine years. She replaced Jake Humphrey as presenter of the BBC's Formula 1 coverage last year.

Blood and snots zombie thriller The Walking Dead has attracted its biggest audience for a season finale in the US to date. The closing episode of the fourth series on Sunday averaged 15.7 million viewers, reports Variety. In the coveted eighteen to forty nine age group demographic, it was the top rated show across all US TV entertainment programming on Sunday, according to initial overnight Nielsen data. The third series finale in March 2013 was watched by 12.4 million viewers. Season four overall set new records for The Walking Dead, averaging 13.3 million live/same day viewers per episode - an increase of twenty four per cent over the season three average. Sunday night's live Talking Dead after-show programme delivered a series record of 7.3 million viewers. The season finale was broadcast on FX on Monday in the UK. The Walking Dead's highest ever audience was for the fourth season premiere in 2013, which attracted just over sixteen million punters. The show, on US cable TV channel AMC, follows deputy sheriff Rick Grimes (played by Andrew Lincoln) as he struggles to survive flesh-eating zombies in a post-apocalyptic world. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping has always wondered whether this is a good idea. Surely, its far easier to get bitten and then try to change the system from within. Far less zombies have to die with a bullet to the brain that way?Anyway, the latest season has shown Grimes and other survivors making for a safe zone called Terminus. 'The linear television business is Dead and well,' said AMC president Charlie Collier who was, presumably, chuckling at his own cleverness after he used such a dreadful (or, should that be deadful?) pun. 'Thanks to Robert Kirkman, Scott Gimple, the other terrific executive producers and the entire cast, crew and network for working together to bring the fans (myself included) another unforgettable season of The Walking Dead. To see this show serve as the centrepiece of a truly historic night on AMC is truly gratifying. So many played a role in this success in giving the fans a reason to continue to return in ever-greater numbers. And so we say, until next fall, "Welcome to Terminus."' The Walking Dead started in 2010 with an initial six episode run and was inspired by the comic book series by Kirkman, Tony Moore and Charlie Adlard. It has been a huge hit for AMC, which also created the critically-acclaimed drug drama Breaking Bad. The final episode of Breaking Bad last year brought in 10.3 million viewers - the show's highest audience. Season five of The Walking Dead is scheduled to be shown in the US from October 2014.

In a tale that could easily pass off as an April Fools' Day gag, but apparently isn't, the Sun is reporting that BBC 'bosses' have decided to change the name of their new gymnastics show, Let's Get Ready to Tumble, over alleged 'fears' that it might get hit with a writ by yer actual Ant and/or Dec. The duo, of course, then still going under their Byker Grove alter-egos PJ and/or Duncan had a 1994 hit with the mini-classic 'Let's Get Ready to Rhumble' ('watch us wreck the mic/psyche!') and it landed back in the charts recently (well, last March) after they performed it on their show Saturday Night Takeaway. An ever reliable alleged 'source' allegedly said: 'It works, but it's too similar to Ant and Dec's song so everyone was worried it would cause problems.' Quite how the US boxing ring announcer Michael Buffer has avoided the Geordie duo's alleged litigious wrath for the past thirty years is another question entirely.

Eleanor Tomlinson has joined the cast of BBC1's upcoming new adaptation of Winston Graham's Poldark. The White Queen actress will star as 'fiercely independent heroine' Demelza in the drama. Aidan Turner will lead the cast as Ross Poldark in the adaptation from Debbie Horsfield. Set in Eighteenth Century Cornwall, Poldark is an eight-part hour-long series and will film in Cornwall and Bristol from April. Poldark will follow the rebellious Ross as he returns from the American War of Independence to his native West Country, discovering that his home county has changed since he has been away. The BBC previously produced a massive popular Poldark adaptation in the 1970s, starring Robin Ellis as Ross and Angaharad Rees as Demelza. The new series will be shown on BBC1 in 2015. Tomlinson is best known for her roles of Isabel Neville in The White Queen and Georgiana Darcy in Death Comes To Pemberley. She has also starred in episodes of Poirot and Sarah Jane Interferes.

ITV's commercial boss Simon Daglish has warned big brands which want to become programme makers that 'ninety per cent of content is crap.'  Well, on iTV that's certainly true although it could be a bit of an under-estimate. Daglish told the Ad Week Europe conference in London on Monday that most consumers 'don't give a stuff' about brands. 'The thing about content is ninety per cent of it is crap,' said Daglish, who is ITV's group commercial director. 'Most people do not want a one-to-one relationship with a brand,' he added. He said that ITV 'still sometimes got it wrong' despite fifty seven years of experience and a one billion smackers annual programme spend. He added that ITV had 'experimented' with advertiser-funded programmes but said that it had 'not worked' because it interfered too much in the relationship between the broadcaster and the viewer. Daglish used his appearance on the conference's opening day to announce ITV had signed up with sponsored content service, Twitter Amplify. ITV said that advertisers would be able to 'align media campaigns with ITV's programme content via the social media platform. Brands will have the option to feature in pre- and post-roll idents within video tweets, as well as drive further engagement via customised hashtags, in-video banners and promotional video tweets.' And various other crap that, as Daglish noted, most viewers couldn't give a frigging monkey's chuff about. Daglish said that a recent tie-up between Guinness and ITV's Saturday night talk show The Jonathan Ross Show had failed 'because of the way it was executed rather than the concept.' Last October's campaign, which took over all three advert breaks during the show, hooked into Twitter and tried to get viewers to tweet with the hashtag 'Round Up Your Mates,' only for it to be hijacked by people who questioned the Diageo brand's credibility. Daglish said: 'The concept was great but the creative delivery was poor.'

The foreign secretary should 'hold the BBC's feet to the fire' to protect the World Service, a bunch of scum politicians have said. Personally, this blogger thinks that all politicians should be thrown into the fire until the fuckers burn but, hey, that's just my opinion and not one shared by anyone that actually matters so, whaddya gonna do? A report by the foreign affairs committee was published as the BBC prepared to take over responsibility for funding the service. It 'welcomed' a BBC pledge to maintain the annual two hundred and forty five million quid budget, but called for stronger World Service representation at the highest level of BBC management. The BBC vowed to be 'a better steward' of the service than the government. And, let's face it, it couldn't be much worse, could it? In October 2010, it was announced that the BBC would take over the cost of the World Service from the Foreign Office from April 2014. No provision was made to increase the licence fee to allow for the new expenditure, however. In its report published on Monday - entitled Future of the BBC World Service - the committee 'expressed concern' about the transfer of funding. 'We have always held reservations about the move to licence fee funding for the World Service and what that would mean for the World Service's budget, and its ability to be heard amongst all the other competing voices within the BBC,' said Sir Richard Ottaway, the committee's chairman. In June 2013, the BBC Trust announced that the World Service budget for 2014-15 would be two hundred and forty five million smackers, up from £238.5m the previous year. Speaking last week, in front of the foreign affairs committee, the BBC's director of news and current affairs, James Harding, said that budget would be maintained 'as a baseline' until 2017, when the BBC's Royal Charter once again faces renewal. The BBC's director of news said that the corporation had 'a deep commitment' to the World Service. Harding said he was 'going to commit to that current budget and will protect the World Service', although he was unable to give a specific breakdown of figures as 'all parts of the BBC work on a year-by-year basis.' The committee 'welcomed' Harding's assurance, but noted that 'strains within the BBC are already evident' as the corporation attempts to achieve seven hundred million knicker in savings over four years. It cited director of television Danny Cohen's recent suggestion on BBC Radio 5Live that the requirement to fund the World Service from the licence fee had 'contributed' to the decision to move BBC3 online - which it, obviously, did only a bloody moron with shit for brains would attempt to argue otherwise. Oh, hang on, we're talking about politicians here aren't we? Sorry, scratch that. Only a politician would attempt to argue otherwise. Scum. Harding told the committee last week that it was 'important to be clear that we are to be committed to the World Service. The BBC has to find seven hundred million pounds worth of savings and we need to find our priorities, but we have a very, very deep commitment to the World Service,' he insisted. The report welcomed his comments, but said 'what is really needed is longer-term protection at institutional level.' It stressed the need for proper representation of the World Service at management level, expressing concern that the service no longer has 'a direct voice.' Peter Horrocks, the director of BBC Global News, sits on neither the BBC's executive board nor the management board. Last week Harding argued that the World Service did have a voice at the 'top table' - his own. The report said: '[Mr Harding] strongly favoured integration of the World Service within the BBC, saying that the "worst outcome" for the World Service would be for it to be considered as an "adjunct to the BBC" or a "ghetto."' In the report, the foreign affairs committee concluded it had 'clear differences' with the BBC over the governance of the World Service - and had sought the assurance of the foreign secretary, slapheed Hague, who had said he would 'always hold the BBC's feet to the fire' in protecting the interests of the World Service. 'It remains to be seen whether they will indeed safeguard the distinct nature of the World Service,' the report states. A BBC spokeswoman said: 'We believe the BBC will prove a better steward of the World Service than the British government, offering stable and predictable funding rather than the politically driven cuts of the last few years. The World Service's future is safe in our hands.' The World Service, which started broadcasting in 1932, has an audience of more than two hundred and forty million worldwide across radio, television and online.
Well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Rebekah Brooks's husband has denied that he had 'settled on drunkenness' as a cover story for concealing bags containing computers with News International tags in an underground car park the day that his wife was extremely arrested. Millionaire Old Etonian Charlie Brooks told the Old Bailey phone-hacking trial on Monday that the bags should have been returned to him at his Chelsea home on the same night and because of 'a cock up' with 'a friend' who was 'keeping him company' they were left behind the bins in the car park and found by a cleaner the next day. The jury heard earlier on Monday that millionaire Old Etonian Brooks and his, if you will, 'friend' Chris Palmer had 'downed six bottles of red wine' on the night of 17 July 2011, while well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Brooks was being grilled in Lewisham police station. Millionaire Old Etonian Brooks claimed that the security man who brought the pair pizzas had also 'meant to deliver the bags' back to him. But, he never. Millionaire Old Etonian Brooks claimed that he had earlier asked the head of security of News International to 'mind' his two briefcases but had never told him why, or that it was to conceal them from the police. Millionaire Old Etonian Brooks claimed that he wanted to keep the computers from the police because they contained 'some porn' and a transcript of a novel he was hoping to get published. His 'friend', Palmer, had gone downstairs to pick up the pizzas that evening, millionaire Old Etonian Brooks said. He recalled that Palmer had remarked months after the incident that the security operative who had brought the bags back to the Chelsea car park had made some 'cryptic' remark about the bins when he delivered the pizza on the night of well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Rebekah Brooks's arrest. However, Palmer did not collect any bags to bring up to the flat alongside the pizzas. Prosecutor Andrew Edis, QC, put it to millionaire Old Etonian Brooks: 'You must have noticed there weren't any bags. There was one thousand pounds in one of them.' Edis referred to a cash payment millionaire Old Etonian Brooks claimed to have had received days earlier from an Ascot charity compering job 'and a book in another', a reference to the manuscript for his novel. 'Clearly, I didn't [notice],' replied millionaire Old Etonian Brooks. 'I get a bit sloppy after a couple of bottles of wine.' Millionaire Old Etonian Brooks claimed that he was 'desperate' to talk to the police that day to explain that the computers had nothing on them relevant to his wife's arrest. 'I would have told them everything. This was the moment to put my hands up, say: "This is my fault." The people who have done it have not done it at my instigation.' Edis put it to millionaire Old Etonian Brooks that this was, in fact, a complete cock and bull story and that he had 'settled on drunkenness as the only explanation to this chain of events other than your guilt' months after the event when it emerged there was CCTV footage of the events that took place in the underground car park. 'No, that's not correct,' millionaire Old Etonian Brooks replied. Millionaire Old Etonian Brooks was also challenged about an article in the Torygraph, on 20 July 2011, two days after the bags had been found by the cleaner. It quoted a spokesman saying there had been 'a mix-up' over the computer with a friend and a story suggesting that he had tried to conceal a laptop from the police was 'rubbish.' Millionaire Old Etonian denied that he was lying his pants off to the court and that he and others had purposefully concealed the bags and never intended to deliver them alongside the pizzas and that months later he had created a cover story of 'a mix up with a friend.' Millionaire Old Etonian Brooks described two of the computers in his possession, which had News International tags, as 'a present' from the company. Millionaire Old Etonian Brooks said that he feels 'ashamed' and 'mortified' by the alleged 'trauma' he has caused his wife and the head of News International's security. He said his decision to hide computers and other material from police on the day that well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Rebekah Brooks was arrested was 'a stupid mistake.' He told the jury at the Old Bailey that he 'didn't think' his decision to conceal the devices from police searching their Chelsea home might have been 'a criminal offence' until the cleaner found them behind the bin in the underground car park and handed them to police. Earlier that day he had asked Mark Hanna, NI's security chief, to 'look after' two briefcases in the back of his Range Rover. 'I feel ashamed of what I have done to Mark Hanna, who is a good and innocent man. I feel furious with myself for being so stupid, mortified by the way I've embarrassed my wife, horrified I have inadvertently given police ammunition to vilify and smear her. I feel furious with myself,' said millionaire Old Etonian Brooks. Yer actual Jezza Clarkson, a close personal friend of both millionaire Old Etonian Brooks and well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Brooks, sat in the public gallery to hear ,millionaire Old Etonian Brooks being cross examined. And, he thought it was the best cross examination ... in the world. In the afternoon, the chairman of Goldman Sachs International Peter Sutherland and the impresario Harvey Goldsmith also paid brief visits to Court Twelve sitting among the press. Millionaire Old Etonian Brooks denied one charge that he conspired with security staff and his wife to conceal computers and other documents from police. The trial extremely continues.

It has been alleged - by, admittedly, a not particularly reliable 'source' - that Susanna Reid's former employers are getting their own back on the newsreader following her recent defection to ITV. By mocking her widely seen pant-flashing antics. Reid, who famously showed off her underwear twice in eight months while reading the news on BBC Breakfast - the brazen hussy! - is reportedly being 'poked fun at' in new BBC2 comedy W1A. According to reports, the sitcom, which is set inside the BBC, features a female newsreader who 'thinks she has supermodel looks' and can't help flashing her knickers at the camera. The newsreader has shoulder-length dark hair, a penchant for skint-tight dresses and reads the morning news. However, the BBC have insisted that the character is 'entirely fictional.' An alleged - but curiously anonymous and, therefore, almost certainly fictitious - 'insider' allegedly told that bastion of truthful and accurate reportage the Daily Lies: 'She isn't going to like this, but she will just have to take it on the chin.' Susanna, the report goes on in that curiously tabloidese which sounds unlike the way anybody actually talks in real life, 'set tongues wagging last year' as her VERY tight, short dresses 'left little to the imagination.' The programme was, the Lies claim, 'flooded with letters' after she showed her stripey underwear while crossing her legs last September. Susanna also flashed at the cameras again in December with, the paper claims, 'much the same reaction.' But despite the similarities, a spokesman for the BBC has denied that the new character is based on Reid. They said: 'Although W1A is grounded in reality, any similarities to real people are coincidental.'
And, still on the subject of, ahem, that area, a private massage in a Las Vegas hotel room turned into a crime investigation when a thirty five thousand dollar Rolex disappeared. The watch was later found ... inside the masseuse's vagina. In January, Kenneth Herold met Christina Lafave at a bar in the Wynn Hotel in Vegas. One thing led to another, as it does, and the sixty six-year-old businessman ended up paying the twenty five-year-old Lafave three hundred bucks for 'a private massage' in his room. Several hours later, at around 3am, Herold called hotel security after he noticed that his watch, a thirty five grand Rolex Presidential, had gone missing. The Las Vegas Review Journal reports: 'Herold later would tell investigators that once he and Lafave had gone to his room, he disrobed and got onto a massage table that was in the suite. About thirty minutes into the rubdown, Lafave told Herold to take off his watch so she could massage his arms. He put the watch on the ground within his view. Five to seven minutes later, it was gone. Herold accused Lafave of stealing the watch, which she, initially, denied. Police searched the room but could not find the item. Eventually, Lafave admitted to taking the watch, which she told police she'd hidden in her vagina.' After confirming its location with the aid of an x-ray, police took Lafave to University Medical Center to retrieve the stolen item. 'Prior to medical staff assisting Lafave with the removal of the watch, she admitted to them that she had stolen a watch and concealed the item,' a police report said, matter-of-factly. Lafave was then arrested and now faces felony charges of grand larceny and possession of stolen property up her nunny. She was later released on forty grand bail. Her lawyer, Chris Rasmussen, plans to fight the case, claiming illegal search-and-seizure tactics. 'We intend to file a motion to suppress the medical intrusion,' Rasmussen is quoted as telling the Review Journal without, seemingly, any trace of humour. 'The search is an unreasonable search when medical providers have to use equipment to conduct an invasive procedure to remove what police believe is evidence. We believe he gave her the watch and later he tried to take it back when he wasn't satisfied with her services,' Rasmussen added. 'Like any person who works in these hotels, she believed she was going to be compensated for her massage.' Why the watch was found where it was found, Rasmussen didn't speculate.

Jason Manford surprised fans when he bought a round of drinks to apologise for being late to a show. When realising he would be forty minutes late for the gig at the Engine Shed in Lincoln on Saturday Jason announced a free drink for the eight hundred and thirty five-strong crowd. The Stockport performer then picked up the three and a half grand bar bill as a gesture for keeping people waiting. Venue manager Abbi Quinn said that it was the first time she had seen a celebrity show such generosity for lateness. 'It was really good of him,' she said. 'We made the announcement on stage and everyone cheered and then ran to the bar. It was quite entertaining for our bar staff for a few minutes.' Jason was playing his second consecutive sell-out night in Lincoln and got stuck in traffic for two hours on the A628 between Greater Manchester and South Yorkshire. He eventually made it to the stage forty minutes late at about ten past eight. The comedian later tweeted with a picture of the bar receipt: 'Seemed like good idea to offer free drink cos of lateness! But shoulda added Kopparberg to the banned list of drinks!'
EastEnders actor Ricky Norwood will meet with BBC bosses later this week to discuss his future on the show. This comes after a video emerged online which appears to show the actor smoking what is reported to have been cannabis. Gosh, how really very naughty. An EastEnders spokesperson said: 'We will be meeting with Ricky early next week to discuss this matter. We are unable to comment any further at this stage.' Norwood has played Fatboy in the soap for four years. The video, which is reported to be over eight minutes long, is thought to have been filmed recently and captured on Skype. It shows Norwood smoking throughout and has been claimed by the Sun - if not anywhere more reliable - that it also shows him 'fully naked' and 'performing a sex act.' The actor studied dance at performance arts school before he decided to take up acting. Now a full time cast member in EastEnders, Norwood first appeared in the soap's online spin-off E20.

And, speaking of sex and drugs and rock n roll, The Voice coach Ricky Wilson has revealed that, like Bobby Chariot, he's been on pills for his nerves. He was, reportedly, prescribed seasickness medication to deal with his nerves before the live shows. Pfft. Lightweight.

From that to some real rock stars. The Rolling Stones are to resume their world tour in May in what will be the band's first dates following the death of Sir Mick Jagger's partner. The band will play fourteen shows across Europe in May, June and July as part of their Fourteen On Fire tour, kicking off in Oslo on 26 May. The band cancelled seven dates in Australia and New Zealand following L'Wren Scott's death on 17 March. The fashion designer took her own life, New York authorities have ruled. According to tour organisers, 'every effort' is being made to reschedule the postponed dates to October and November. Yer actual Sir Mick Jagger, Saint Keef Richards his very self, Charlie Watts and Rockin' Ronnie Wood last played together in Singapore on 15 March. The European leg of the band's current tour will see them play at the Stade De France in Paris on 13 June and at the Bernabeu Stadium in Madrid twelve days later.
Yer actual Keith Telly Topping didn't believe that any sporting team could possibly produce a more cowardly, inept, listless and thoroughly wretched performance than yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though tragically unsellable) Magpies' 4-0 'surrender before kick-off' against Southampton in the Premier League on Saturday. But, fair play to the England Twenty/20 cricket side, it only took them a mere two days to produce something even worse in their forty five run defeat to the Netherlands on Monday. Jolly well done, you chaps. This blogger trusts that Ashley Giles - in the few minutes he has before he gets the tin-tack from the ECCB - will thrash the lot of you to within an inch of your collective lives with a stocking full of diarrhoea. Because, that's what you deserve.
And so, dear blog reader, for the last of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's A To Z of Groovy Tunes, dear blog reader, here's The Zutons.
The next bloggerisatioism update will return you to your normal programming and to Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. Relax and breathe easy.

1 comment:

Mark said...

Tony Curtis. No question. The constant wearing of leather driving gloves and those natty leather jackets he wore are still cool. Besides Moore's suits were designed by his very self!