Friday, March 21, 2014

U Is For Unrequited, Ulcers and Underwear

It appears that series eight will see the début of yet another new director on Doctor Who. Paul Wilmshurst will reportedly be behind the camera for an episode (or two episodes, if the pattern thus far established remains the same). This is according to the CV of the show's Production Designer. Paul's most recent TV work includes the Sky1 action series Strike Back and the historical fantasy drama Da Vinci's Demons. He joins the already confirmed directors Ben Wheatey, Douglas Mackinnon and Paul Murphy.
Filming on series eight of Doctor Who has continued this week on location, giving punters a glimpse of what appears to be a new monster for the series. With massive flares so, obviously, a monster from the 1970s. Well, it is a show about Time Travel, after all. Also spotted on location - in addition to yer actual Jenna Coleman wearing a rather lovely burgundy trouser-suit - was new semi-regular companion Sam Anderson as Danny Pink. He was wearing The Doctor's familiar orange spacesuit and he also sporting a grey afro having, apparently, aged somewhat since his last appearance.
And, of course, some complete arsewipe louse of no importance at the Daily Scum Mail was soon on the case with a complete shitehawk 'exclusive' about the location shoot. Although it did include one rather cool shot of yer man Capaldi doing some kung-fu moves, and that.
Mark Gatiss his very self has addressed rumours that The Master will return to Doctor Who in series eight. Although he didn't rule such a situation out completely, Mark said he felt it is important to bring in new villains for a new Doctor. Speaking to Adorocinema, yer man Gatiss said: 'I think anything is possible, but with this new Doctor, I think it's important not to get stuck on old preferences.' He added: 'When I was little, Tom Baker took over as Doctor and had a complete change of monsters.' Except for The Sontarans, The Daleks and The Cybermen all of whom turned up in his first five stories, of course. I'm just sayin'. 'The Zygons and the Krynoids are fantastic,' continued Mark. 'It's always nice to have new things.' According to attendees at a recent Newcastle Film and Comic Con panel, the seventh Doctor, Sylvester McCoy (just in case you'd forgotten which one he was) claimed that The Master is indeed back, but that it won't be John Simm in the role. McCoy didn’t reveal who exactly had been cast - or, indeed, how the hell he knew about this - but, apparently, said that the actor in question is 'very scary.'
And, speaking of crazy old Tom Baker, he says that he's 'thrilled' classic Doctor Who serials are to be screened on the Horror Channel. One imagines, the royalty cheques he'll accrue because of this play a not insignificant part in those thrillingnessisms. And that. Yer man Tom noted: 'Horror is my very favourite genre so I am thrilled the classic Doctor Who series have been picked up by the Horror Channel. There was clearly a darker edge to my storylines, which I think brought a new dimension to the series. I remember hearing of the series scaring children – I wonder how the audience will react to the series today, all grown up.' The Horror Channel recently completed a deal with BBC Worldwide to broadcast thirty stories from the original Doctor Who series featuring the first seven Doctors, starting with William Hartnell and concluding with Sylvester McCoy. Launching on Good Friday, 18 April the season begins with An Unearthly Child and then leads into a special Who On Horror weekend – a grammatically incorrect classic marathon featuring one story from each of the Doctors across the Easter weekend. It should be Whom On Horror, surely? There will then be weekday double-bills in daytime and evening slots with stories shown in chronological order starting on Easter Monday 21 April. Tom notes: 'Horror of Fang Rock is one of my favourite stories so I'm looking forward to that one!'
And, that concludes the Doctor Who (or, indeed, Doctor Whom) news for the day.
Line Of Duty rose by around three hundred thousand overnight viewers for Wednesday's finale. The second series of BBC2's crime drama came to a climax with 2.96 million at 9pm. Earlier, Collectaholics brought in 1.24m at 8pm. Twenty Twelve spin-off W1A launched with 1.61m at 10pm. BBC1's DIY SOS topped the overnight ratings overall outside of soaps with 4.91m at 8pm. Crimewatch gave 3.70m punters nightmares at 9pm, while A Question of Sport bored the tits off 1.78m at 10.35pm. On ITV, You Saw Them Here First spectacularly failed to entertain 2.72m at 8pm. Law & Order: UK dropped by around six hundred thousand viewers from last week's series opener to 3.03m at 9pm. Channel Four's Secret Eaters gathered 1.06m at 8pm, followed by a repeat of Peter Kay's Live At The Bolton Albert Halls with 1.75m at 9pm. First Dates continued with seven hundred and ninety three thousand at 10pm. On Channel Five, Born To Kill? intrigued eight hundred and seventy five thousand at 8pm, followed by the latest NCIS with nine hundred and thirty six thousand at 9pm and Castle with five hundred and eighty three thousand at 10pm. The Scum's win over Olympiakos in the Champions League scored 1.10m at 7.30pm on Sky1. A further 1.36m tuned in on Sky Sports 1.

BBC1's Shetland remained on top on Tuesday evening outside of soaps, according to overnight data. The drama series dropped around four hundred thousand viewers from the previous week to 4.85 million at 9pm. It edged out ITV's Champions League coverage of Moscow Chelski FC's victory over Galatasaray, which scored 4.32m at 7.30pm. BBC2's Great British Sewing Bee attracted 2.83m at 8pm. An Hour To Save Your Life brought in 1.77m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Kirstie's Best Of Both Worlds appealed to 1.30m at 8pm, followed by Food Prices: The Shocking Truth with 1.81m at 9pm. Doctor Christian Jessen's Undercover Doctor: Cure Me, I'm Gay intrigued 1.53m at 10pm. Channel Five's Benidorm ER interested eight hundred and thirty eight thousand at 8pm, followed by The Mentalist with a fraction under one million overnight viewers at 9pm.

Line Of Duty is expected to return for a third series. New episodes of BBC2's acclaimed crime thriller, which ended its second series on Wednesday evening, are 'absolutely' being discussed, executive producer Simon Heath told Broadcast. 'We've already started talking about potential fertile story areas for series three,' Heath confirmed. '[We've discussed] what that might be and what the character or characters [at the centre of it] might be, but there's plenty of mileage in police corruption.' Line Of Duty creator Jed Mercurio's next project will be Critical - a new medical drama starring former Line Of Duty lead Lennie James for Sky1. 'Once he's finished on Critical, he'll be ready to go [with a third series],' Heath insisted.

Angela Griffin has joined the cast of ITV's Lewis. The former Coronation Street, Holby City and Waterloo Road actress confirmed that she had joined the eighth series of the detective drama as a Detective Sergeant on Twitter on Monday. Griffin wrote: 'First day of filming tomorrow on my new job which I can now tell you is on Lewis for ITV. I'm playing the new DS. Can't wait!' Last month, it was confirmed that the popular long-running drama, starring Kevin Whately and Laurence Fox, would be returning for six further hour-long episodes. The new series will see a retired Robbie Lewis returning to active duty and re-teaming with his old partner James Hathaway - now promoted to Inspector.

Silk will not return for a fourth series. BBC1's BAFTA-nominated drama starring Maxine Peake will draw to a close following two final episodes, scheduled for broadcast on 24 and 31 March. Series creator Peter Moffat told Radio Times: 'It has been a complete joy to work with a group of actors as good as this and with a lead actress who I consider to be the best there is. The main characters in Silk all have personal and professional stories which are coming to a natural conclusion at the end of this current series. It would be dishonest as a writer, and unfair to the integrity of the show and everyone involved in it, to prolong the series beyond what I hope is a powerful and compelling denouement.' Rupert Penry-Jones and Neil Stuke also star in Silk, which debuted on BBC1 in 2011. The legal drama's most recent series has been pulling in overnight audiences of around the four million mark, with last Monday's episode attracting an overnight of 3.9m.

Broadcasting legend and national treasure Danny Baker's early life story is to be adapted into a BBC TV drama. The broadcaster told the Daily Scum Express that the first volume of his - really funny - autobiography, Going To Sea In A Sieve will be turned into a biopic later in 2014. Dan the Man his very self said: 'I'm making a TV show of the first book. It'll be a comedy drama on the BBC and out later this year.' The drama will be centred around Baker's childhood, leading up to his first jobs in radio and including his time as a journalist on the NME. He added: 'I'm not sure if I'm going to star in it myself yet.' Danny is currently writing his second book Going To Sea, with a third instalment also planned. 'The second will be out in September this year - I was supposed to do it last year but making the TV show of the first one has taken up my time,' he said. Danny currently presents his - superb - Saturday morning BBC Radio 5Live show, having previously hosted an award-winning show on BBC London.

Appearing on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Wednesday to promote his ITV drama Mr Selfridge - which is currently airing on PBS in the States - Jeremy Piven revealed how he was recently upstaged by yer actual Benny Cumberbatch's Sherlock at a critics' Q&A. Benny's making a bit of a habit of 'upstaging' people of late, albeit, most of them have been considerably more famous than Jeremy Piven. The actor explained: 'PBS is putting it out and we went and did a Q&A for the critics and they said we were going to share it with Sherlock. [We were told,] "You'll do your Q&A, they'll do theirs, then we'll put it out to the critics and if they have any questions they will come to the stage and ask you or Sherlock questions." They guide me to the stage in the dark and when the lights come on they say, "Please give your questions to Sherlock", and they forgot to say Mr Selfridge.' Well, it's a pure dead easy mistake to make, isn't it? He continued: 'I am standing there on the stage while hundreds of people made their way to Benedict Cumberbitch.' However, Piven hastily added that he is, actually, 'a big fan' of Ben and his BBC drama series just in case he got beaten up on the way home by infuriated Cumberbitches. 'By the way, he is a brilliant actor and a true gentleman and Sherlock is genius. I am a huge fan and he'll never speak to me again!' Aye, probably.
Coronation Street, Broadchurch's Olivia Colman and Luther's Idris Elba were the big winners at the Royal Television Society Programme Awards on Tuesday at the Grosvenor House Hotel in London. Broadchurch won the award for Drama Serial, with Colman picking up the Female Actor prize. Educating Yorkshire won Best Documentary Series as its leading figure, Michael Steer, gave a speech which witheringly abused the lack of education secretary the rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove. Corrie, which was nominated alongside Casualty and Emmerdale, followed its previous Best Soap wins this year at the NTAs, Broadcast and TRIC Awards with the Soap and Continuing Drama category. Other winners on the night included Elba taking the Male Actor award for his role in Luther, Brendan O'Carroll for Comedy Performance for Mrs Brown's Boys and - unbelievably - the wretched Plebs for Scripted Comedy. Which indicates that the sitcom - which is about as funny as a big fat hairy wart right on the bell-end - actually has a script, something this blogger hadn't previously considered a possibility. Game Of Thrones claimed the International Award, Alan Carr won the prize for Entertainment Performance for Chatty Man and Stephen Fry received the Presenter award for Stephen Fry - Out There. Gary Neville won the award for Sports Presenter, Commentator or Pundit for his role on Sky Sports. The RTS Awards are determined by a panel of judges to honour excellence in television over the last year.

So, as noted Educating Yorkshire won the best documentary series prize at the RTS Awards, and Michael Steer 'hit out' at the rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove during his acceptance speech in the most appealingly satisfying way. The Deputy Head and maths teacher collected the award for the Channel Four documentary when he made the derogatory comments towards the lack of education secretary. Speaking on stage, Steer said: 'I'd like to dedicate this award on behalf of all teachers to Michael Gove. And when I say dedicate, I mean the old Anglo Saxon meaning. Insert it in your anus.' In January, Educating Yorkshire was one of the big winners at the 2014 National TV Awards, also taking home the best documentary series award on that occasion. The show's participants, including headmaster Jonny Mitchell, teacher Mister Burton and student Musharaf Asghar, picked up the award and paid tribute to the students at Thornhill Community Academy and teachers around the country. Mitchell told the audience: 'When we signed on the dotted line fifteen months ago, little did we know we'd be standing on a stage with a National TV Award. At a time when teachers are getting bashed left, right and centre, it's nice we can give a little back to hard working professionals.'

BBC2 has announced a series of programmes to mark its fiftieth anniversary. The channel celebrates the milestone on 20 April and will broadcast several one-off programmes featuring the likes of Dara Ó Briain and Sue Barker. Earlier in the week, it had already announced that Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse will star in a spoof documentary look back at the history of the channel called The Story Of The Twos. There will also be a previously announced one-off Goodness Gracious Me reunion. Ó Briain will host All About Two, a ninety-minute quiz and celebration of BBC2. Pointless's Richard Osman will 'reveal facts and figures' (so, what else is new?) while celebrity teams and special guests will also appear. Fifty Years Of BBC2 Comedy will look back at the channel's biggest comedy programmes and performers, including Fawlty Towers, Spike Milligan Q series', Shooting Stars, The Office and The Fast Show. And Victoria Wood but don't let that put you off. You can always record it and fast-forward through her bits. The two-hour special will feature Armando Iannucci, Ricky Gervais, Prunella Scales, Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer, Michael Palin and Terry Jones, Catherine Tate, Sanjeev Bhaskar, The Goodies, Sarah Millican, Rebecca Front and others. Sue Barker will present Fifty Years Of Sport on BBC2, exploring ... well, pretty much what it says on the tin, the history of sport coverage on the channel including Match Of The Day, Ski Sunday and Pot Black. Contributors will include Alan Davies, Tanni Grey-Thompson, Steve Cram, John Inverdale, Clare Balding, Peter Alliss, Des Lynam and Murray Walker. Pop Goes BBC2 will look back at music moments on the channel over the decades, including live performances and documentary highlights, such as Late Night Line-Up, Jazz 625, Arena, Old Grey Whistle Test, Later ... With Jools Holland and highlights of the channel's Glastonbury coverage. Finally, Inside The Comedy Vaults will broadcast clips from the BBC2 archives, with forgotten moments from the early careers of the likes of Rik Mayall, Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, Ronnie Barker and Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. BBC2's acting controller Adam Barker said: 'From The Likely Lads, the very first comedy the channel showed in 1964, to more recent highlights including Miranda, Rev, The Trip, Twenty Twelve and The Wrong Mans, BBC2 has a long and proud history of growing and supporting new comedy talent and I'm delighted to be announcing a range of brilliantly funny new content that celebrates fifty wonderful years of wit on the channel.' All of which is entirely true expect for the bit about The Wrong Mans, because that's just shit. 'As well as making us laugh, the channel has had an incredible cultural impact on the music we've listened to and the sport we've watched. From being the first to broadcast snooker in colour to our recent ground-breaking Glastonbury coverage, two new documentaries celebrate how BBC2 has led the way in mind-expanding entertainment. This is just the start of our celebrations and we'll be announcing more content in the weeks to come.'

Nigella Lawson will give her first British TV interview since her appearances in court in December on The Michael McIntyre Chat Show. Because, of course, McIntyre is just the sort of interviewer who is likely to ask Lawson all the hard-hitting questions about her lifestyle and her self-confessed drug-taking that viewers really want to hear asked. Oh no, sorry, yer actual Keith Telly Topping misspoke. Apparently, he isn't. During Lawson's appearances in court at a fraud case involving the cook's former assistants, Elisabetta and Francesca Grillo, she confessed to snorting cocaine but denied allegations that she was an habitual drug user. The Grillo sisters were subsequently found extremely not guilty of the charges in December 2013. It was announced in January that Lawson would face no action from police over her admission of drug use. Lawson will appear on the show on Monday 31 March to promote her re-designed and re-packaged Nigella Collection.

David Beckham is to front a one-off BBC1 documentary. The former footballer travelled to the Brazilian rain forest with three of his friends for the ninety-minute programme - nice work if you can get it. Over the last two weeks, Beckham journeyed over five thousand miles from London to South America, to experience 'the real Brazil.' As oppose to ...? Yeah, your guess is as good as mine, I reckon. He and his friends cooked, fished and camped during their trip, which was directed by Anthony Mandler. BBC Worldwide managing director Helen Jackson said: 'This is an unforgettable documentary set in the heart of the dense Amazon rain forest following David Beckham. Through his eyes, audiences will experience life in the jungle, something so distant from David's life on and off the pitch and in the glare of the world's media.' BBC1 controller Charlotte Moore added: 'In this special documentary for BBC1, David Beckham embarks on a top secret expedition to the Amazon that will see him encounter the other side of Brazil and journey through the tropical rain forest, a TV first for the global icon.'

The makers of Twenty Twelve were lauded for their Olympics satire, but no one was likely to mistake it for a factual programme. The same can't be said for sure about their latest venture, W1A, which pokes fun at the BBC itself. The Sun reports that Sarah Parish, who plays an inept head of output at the Beeb, reckons the spoof drama may be so realistic that viewers won't know that the whole thing is meant to be a joke. The series also features Hugh Bonneville, who will again play Ian Fletcher, with the character moving from the Olympic Legacy project to the BBC to help it deal with 'recent findings.' Parish said: 'I did think people might watch and, for ten minutes, think it's a documentary.'

Twenty Twelve and W1A writer John Morton has an uncanny way of making life imitate art, it would seem. Twenty Twelve did it when the real Olympic clock ground to a halt just hours after the BBC comedy featured a similarly defective one. Now W1A, which sees Hugh Bonneville's character join the BBC as its 'head of values', seems to be mirroring real life. On Monday, wretched gnomish plank Alan Titchmarsh announced he is giving up his horrible, worthless ITV chat show. In W1A, which started on Wednesday night, one of the first issues Ian faced is the availability of, you guessed it, Alan Titchmarsh for a new show called Britain's Tastiest Village.
And speaking of odious, nasty individuals, risible horrorshow (and drag) Kay Burley was involved in 'a bizarre scene' in Kuala Lumpur on Wednesday. The ridiculous Sky News broadcaster was reporting live when a violent media scrum occurred after a press conference had been held about the missing Malaysia Airlines plane. Viewers were treated to the sight of Burley providing what was a literal running commentary as relatives of the missing passengers were chased up escalators by the media frenzy. The newsreader could be heard shouting 'I've lost my phone!' - as if anybody actually gave a shit about such trivia - and 'I should have gone to the gym!' as she ran up an escalator in the wrong direction and appeared to fall over as she got to the top. Which, admittedly, was effing funny. Two relatives of the passengers had previously been forcibly removed from the news conference after trying to unveil a banner. After finding her phone - bet you're all sorelieved to hear that, dear blog reader - Burley spoke about how one of the relatives had been knocked to the floor by the media scrum - seemingly oblivious to the fact that she, her very self, was a part of said scrum. But then, that's Kay Burley all over, dear blog reader. Fucking clueless. As John McLaine once said, Kay m'love, 'you're either part of the solution or you're part of the problem. So, quit bein' part of the fuckin' problem.'
Benidorm is to return for a seventh series, ITV has confirmed. And Johnny Vegas will be returning to the comedy drama for the first time in four years. Which might make it worth watching again.

Strictly Come Dancing will be honoured with the Special Award at the BAFTA Television Craft Awards next month The BBC1 international hit has been named this year's victor for the 'outstanding creative and technical teamwork' behind the show. Andrew Newman, the chairman of BAFTA's Television Committee, praised the 'outstanding craftsmanship' of Strictly, saying that it has 'set new standards for talent and creativity both here in the UK and around the world. This Award is to honour the craft people who bring a show that entertains millions each week to life,' he added. 'The team of talented individuals across many departments such as lighting, costume, cameras, hair and make-up, music, direction and editing - to name a few - are directly responsible for the format's success and we congratulate everyone involved. They really have raised the bar for studio entertainment across the globe.' The BBC's controller of entertainment production Katie Taylor described the news as 'wonderful', praising the 'hugely talented team' behind Strictly, while the show's director Nikki Parsons said the crew are 'so excited.' The full list of nominations for the BAFTA Television Craft Awards will be released next Monday, while the ceremony itself will be held at The Brewery in London on 27 April.
A - properly sick - advertising campaign by notorious bookmakers Paddy Power featuring Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius broke rules and brought advertising into disrepute, the UK's advertising regulator has found. The advert, which referred to Pistorius' ongoing murder trial, drew a record five thousand five hundred and twenty five complaints, the regulator said. Paddy Power denied that the 'money off if he walks' advert had 'trivialised domestic violence' towards women. The bookmaker is unlikely to apologise for their actions, a spokesman told the BBC. Pistorius is accused of the murder of his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp. The advert offered a refund on all losing bets if the South African Paralympian was found not guilty. It was immediately pulled after becoming the most complained-about British advert ever. In a ruling on Wednesday, the Advertising Standards Authority found that the advert was 'likely to cause widespread offence.' No shit. Readers would 'interpret' the advert as 'a reference to someone who had died and to Mr Pistorius as a double amputee', the ASA said. 'Given the content of the ad, and the prevailing circumstances at the time of its publication, we concluded that it brought advertising into disrepute,' it added. Paddy Power seemed not bovvered by any of his malarkey and merely said that the advert had appeared only once, in the Sun on Sunday newspaper. So, that's all right, then. 'It was one ad in one newspaper on one day. I don't think there's an apology coming - criticise us for bad taste, which is fine,' a company spokesman told the BBC. Okay, this blogger will then; you display shockingly bad taste in trying to make money out of a murder trial, you risible sick bastards, and I genuinely hope you all suffer from a disease of the arsehole for such disgusting thoughtless rank glakery. The bookmaker told the ASA that there was 'no reference to death', or to any dead person, in the advert. In addition, Paddy Power described the reference to Pistorius' disability as 'subtle.'
An ex-Scum of the World journalist was told by the tabloid's then editor, the Prime Minister's former, if you will, 'chum' Andy Coulson that he would get his job back if he 'kept silent' about the extent of phone-hacking at the disgraced and disgraceful newspaper, the Old Bailey has heard. Former royal editor Clive Goodman told the court the promise was made after his arrest for phone-hacking in 2006. Goodman, who was extremely jailed for the illegal practice in 2007, said Coulson had told him: 'All you've got to do is say you were a lone wolf.' They are both on trial at the Old Bailey, where they deny conspiring to commit misconduct in a public office. Both deny the charges. Coulson also denies conspiracy to hack phones. The court heard that six days after Goodman's arrest, in August 2006, he met Coulson at a cafe in Wimbledon. Goodman claimed that Coulson told him what he had to do was 'explain to a court that I had gone, in Andy's words, "off the reservation." He said "All you've got to do is say you were a lone wolf,"' said Goodman. Goodman also said the then editor had promised him that if he pleaded guilty and 'made it clear I had acted alone' Goodman could come back to a job at the Scum of the World as a writer or sub-editor. Goodman said Coulson had also promised his family would be 'looked after.' 'I thought it was pretty low to involve my family,' said Goodman, who was giving evidence for a fourth day. On Tuesday, the court was told by Goodman that his former boss had agreed to payments that led to three phones in the royal household being hacked. Goodman also denied stealing cash from the newspaper. He told jurors on Thursday that cash requests for two hundred and fourteen grand over a six-year period were 'all genuine.' Goodman said that police records purporting to show that he was not withdrawing money from his own bank account could be 'partly explained' by the fact he landed a one hundred and forty thousand knicker inheritance in the year concerned. He added that the cash claims made when he was at the Scum of the World were 'part of a system' of keeping alleged 'sources' confidential and 'off the newspaper's financial records.' Under cross examination by counsel for the paper's former editor, the Prime Minister's former, if you will, 'chum' Andy Coulson, the jury heard that Goodman had made claims for cash for twenty eight grand in 2001, forty four thousand smackers in 2002, fifty six thousand quid in 2003, thirty one grand in 2004, forty four thousand knicker in 2005 and eleven thousand nine hundred notes for the part of 2006 before he was arrested on suspicion of phone-hacking. Timothy Langdale QC asked if all the money went to the 'sources' concerned that he had claimed. 'It did actually go to the person named,' said Goodman. Asked if the jury had to 'take his word' or whether there was 'evidence' to support his assertion, Goodman, said there would not be any evidence because of 'the very nature that they are confidential sources.' The jury has previously heard during his testimony that he had three 'sources' he would pay cash to including one newspaper executive on a rival paper. 'Did you keep for yourself any of the money from News of the World?' Goodman was asked. 'No I did not,' he replied. Langdale pressed Goodman on police records of his financial history over the six-year period which - allegedly - show that he stopped using cash machines to withdraw money from altogether in 2004 and 2005. Records show that Goodman did not make cash withdrawals between February 2004 and June 2006 when he withdrew two hundred notes from his account. Goodman said there was 'a simple explanation' for this – he and his first wife did not have children or responsibilities and lived 'a high spending lifestyle' but they separated in 2001 and divorced in 2003. The following year his girlfriend, now his wife, became pregnant and he stopped using cash machines. 'My lifestyle changed. I stopped spending money. I started to get cash back in the supermarket and garages. I lived on expenses from the cashier's office. I lived a much more quiet lifestyle,' he said. Langdale asked: 'So it wasn't a result of having any extra source of money?' Goodman said that in 2004 he had received 'a legacy of one hundred and forty thousand pounds from the death of my mother' and that he had 'other bank accounts' that were 'not accounted for' in the police documents he was being cross examined on. 'What we have here is an incomplete record of my financial history,' he said. Asked 'what was it the police missed in terms of cash withdrawal?', Goodman replied: 'I'm sorry, I think you are going to have to ask them.' Earlier Langdale put it to Goodman that he was 'prone to exaggeration' and had 'hammed up' a claim for five hundred smackers a week to pay an alleged 'source' whom, the jury have been told, was the private investigator and convicted hacker Glenn Mulcaire. Langdale suggested to Goodman that an e-mail imploring Coulson to maintain a five hundred quid-a-week contract with 'Alexander', an alias he had created for Mulcaire, 'indicated quite clearly that Mr Coulson did not know that Alexander was Mr Mulcaire.' He said that this was a 'further example of hamming it up, flannelling, trying to persuade someone to do something.' Goodman denied he had become 'work shy' or 'reluctant to go out of the office' to get stories in 2003. He said that the atmosphere at the Scum of the World had become 'very strange' when Coulson was promoted to editor that year and appointed Neil Wallis as his deputy. Langdale put it to Goodman that he was known as 'the eternal flame' because 'you never went out' of the office. Goodman said that the phrase was coined by the paper's former news editor Ian Edmondson and that 'no, it wasn't accurate.' Goodman was challenged about a series of payments for stories, which Langdale suggested were bogus. The jury heard that one of Goodman's regular sources 'Anderson', a fake ID for a journalist to whom he made cash payments, was paid three hundred quid for a 'spotting an item' about Sarah Ferguson in the Observer. Goodman told jurors it was 'absolutely commonplace' to pay other journalists who 'spotted' stories they had missed. 'The skill is identifying the story and passing it on, not writing it,' claimed Goodman. 'The Observer is not a paper I normally take.' Another item raised by Langdale was an article about Prince Charles wanting to return to a traditional English curriculum, which he said was 'a straight lift' from the Gruniad Morning Star. Langdale said that the story had also appeared days earlier in other papers including the Western Mail and the Birmingham Post. Goodman said he would have not have been expected to read the regional papers and 'might have missed' the Gruniad story Langdale asked him what justified a payment of six hundred and fifty smackers to 'a Mister Hall' for an item he wrote about Madonna, which 'bore a resemblance' to a piece in fashion magazine W. 'Spotting a story, identifying it, packaging it up and selling it on was what was worth six hundred and fifty pounds,' claimed Goodman, who added that it appeared as 'the top story' in his Carvery column and would have been worth less if it had appeared further down. 'Mister Hall' was also paid two hundred and fifty knicker for an item on Uma Thurman which appeared in the Daily Mirra and the Sun the day before. Langdale put it to Goodman: 'Is it a case of you simply lifting and putting in a cash claim for a source that hadn't given you the information?' Goodman replied: 'No completely untrue.' He said that he 'could only assume' that he had 'missed' the Sun and Mirra items because if he had read them the story would not have made the Scum of the World because the readership was 'too much of a match.' There was laughter in court as Goodman mistook he alleged footballer Titus Bramble for a royal protection officer. Asked about a Mulcaire note featuring the name 'Titus Bramble', Goodman said that he thought he was 'formerly the Duchess of Cornwall's personal protection officer.' Mr Justice Saunders intervened to say he believed he was a footballer who previously played for Ipswich. He also appeared for yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved Newcastle although whether the term 'played' is applicable is another matter entirely. 'Stood around not doing much useful' would probably be closer to the mark. Goodman was then directed not to try and 'guess' who people were if he could not remember precisely. The former royal editor denied that he would talk 'nonsense around the office' and used 'florid' and 'over dramatic' language in e-mails to superiors. 'I would use language to have emphasis, to make a point' he claimed. Adding that the words he used were perfectly cromulant due to his embiggened brain. Probably. Langdale put it to Goodman that 'it would not be a surprise to you' that 'any editor' would sometimes take what he said 'with a large degree of salt.' Goodman responded: 'You would have to ask any editor.' And that a lot of salt isn't good for you. Langdale accused Goodman of 'making up' a story to explain a seven hundred quid payment to the source 'Anderson' for a story about Prince Harry picking up an injury at Sandhurst in January 2005. Goodman said the 'prime source' was a hacked voicemail and that the money was 'sent up to Manchester' in the internal post to his former news editor Greg Miskiw to pay his alleged 'source.' 'This account is a complete fiction,' suggested Langdale. Goodman denied this and said the money was 'given to Greg Miskiw to give to Glenn Mulcaire.' Miskiw was the 'King's Cross station for investigations at the News of the World. Pretty much everything went through him,' Goodman said.
The jury in the trial of Max Clifford had to be sent out for laughing on Wednesday afternoon as an alleged victim gave graphic evidence in relation to the size of Clifford's penis. The court heard how the woman, one of seven alleged victims of sexual assaults by the publicist, was 'advised' to go and see Clifford in 1983, when she was about seventeen. Then an aspiring fashion model, she described how Clifford allegedly locked the door, groped her and tried to make her perform oral sex on him. The court has previously heard claims that his penis was (or, presumably, still is) 'tiny' and no more than two-and-a-half inches when erect. The woman, who is now forty eight, said in her evidence that she thought Clifford was 'well-endowed' and his penis was 'very large. I had only seen one before, I had never seen one in that proximity and that situation,' she claimed. When Richard Horwell QC, defending, asked her about the issue, the woman remarked: 'I have a small mouth. I do, my dentist has always said ...' This prompted much laughter from the jury, which was sent out for a few minutes to compose themselves. Jurors returned to be told by judge Anthony Leonard QC: 'It is inevitable in a case dealing with this sort of graphic detail that members of the jury want to burst out laughing. I can remember a very boring court case and we - I wasn't a judge then - became helpless with laughter and the judge had tears in his eyes and it took over twenty five minutes to recover. But we have got to remember that this is a court of law and we are dealing with serious allegations and, in fairness to the witness, and the rest of the court, you have got to learn not to react to what's happening. Can I ask you to settle down and remember where you are?' Southwark Crown Court heard how Clifford locked the door when the woman went into his office to see him. He allegedly told her that he wanted to see her figure and told her to take her dress off, which she did reluctantly, partly because she was wearing a thermal vest and tights with holes, as she was 'poverty stricken' and had only one pair. 'I hadn't gone there thinking "I'm going to see a photographer", I thought I was going to get career advice,' she said. She added that Clifford was 'overcome', at which point the alleged indecent assault began. Afterwards, the woman told the court, Clifford said he wanted her to 'come to dinner' with him and his wife and Cubby Broccoli and masturbate him under the table while he sat next to his wife. 'Then he went on to say I may need to sleep with Cubby Broccoli, but I would get a part in a Bond film,' she said. 'I loathe James Bond films.' She went back to the hotel where she was staying - so, she obviously wasn't that poverty stricken - and stayed in bed for a number of days, telling staff not to put Clifford's calls through as he rang 'relentlessly', she claimed. The woman told her sister and some friends what had happened. 'I would get upset when I saw him on television and he complained about his privacy,' she said. The woman said she rang police when she saw that Clifford had been arrested. Clifford, from Hersham in Surrey, is accused of eleven counts of indecent assault against seven women and girls. And, now, of having a really titchy willy. He denies all the charges. Particularly the latter claiming that he is 'a grower not a shower.'

Items of clothing worn by yer actual George Harrison and Ringo Starr his very self in The Beatles' 1965 movie Help! have fetched a whopping one hundred and fifteen grand at auction. Ringo's cape fetched sixty one thousand knicker, while George's sold for fifty four thousand smackers, including buyer's premium. Both beat separate pre-sale valuations of twenty to thirty thousand quid. Meanwhile, a piano used by yer actual Sir Paul McCartney and alcoholic wife-beating Scouse junkie John Lennon was bought by a South American collector for fifty seven thousand wonga. The 1907 Bechstein grand piano was used to compose the songs 'Help!' and 'Yesterday', according to Omega Auctions. The piano and jackets were sold by Richard Lester who directed The Beatles' first two movies, A Hard Day's Night and Help! You knew that, right? The Beatles, incidentally, were a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might have heard of them. The auction took place at the Adelphi Hotel in Liverpool. But a cape, suit and sheet of handwritten lyrics belonging to McCartney were withdrawn from auction after Macca his very self made 'a late legal challenge.' Basically saying, 'oi, that's mine' one imagines. Auctioneer Paul Fairweather said: 'Unfortunately the lawyers have claimed that Paul would never have given any clothing away.' The rest of the sale went ahead on Thursday to coincide with the fiftieth anniversary of the release of 'Can't Buy Me Love'. Harrison and Starr wore their jackets during five days of filming Help! in the Alps and on the accompanying LP cover. They were sold to UK buyers, Omega said. The piano, meanwhile, came from Twickenham film studios, where it was situated from the 1930s until Lester purchased it in the late 1960s. It is claimed that Lennon and McCartney used it to write the title song to Help! while they were filming at the studios. McCartney was also working on 'Yesterday' at the time, Lester said. 'He was playing it that much that I actually threatened to remove the piano off the set if he didn't finish the song soon and give it a rest.'

University College London, has written 'an open letter of protest' to the Daily Scum Mail's editor, the odious Dacre, about 'a profoundly insulting' item which appeared to question the credibility of two of its scientists. A piece in the Scum Mail's Ephraim Hardcastle column on Wednesday used their appearance on BBC's Newsnight on Monday to comment on the possibility of 'a new era' in understanding the origins of the universe to have a dig at the programme's 'Guardian-trained editor, Ian Katz', who, it said, 'is keen on diversity.' The item added: 'So, two women were invited to comment on the report about (white, male) American scientists who've detected the origins of the universe – giggling Sky At Night presenter Maggie Aderin-Pocock and Sri Lanka-born astronomer Hiranya Peiris.' The discoveries from the Background Imaging of Cosmic Extragalactic Polarization experiment, a telescope at the South pole, were announced by the Harvard-Smithsonian Centre for Astrophysics in Cambridge, Massachusetts earlier in the week, as reported by this blog among others. David Price, the college's vice-provost for research, said: 'The implication that anything outside of her academic record qualifies Doctor Peiris to discuss the results of the Bicep2 study is profoundly insulting. She is a world expert on the study of the cosmic microwave background, with degrees from Cambridge and Princeton. Doctor Aderin-Pocock is a highly-qualified scientist and engineer with an exceptional talent for communicating complex scientific concepts in an accessible way.' Price also said that the study in question was conducted by a diverse group of researchers from around the world not just white Americans: 'It is deeply disappointing that you thought it acceptable to print an article drawing attention to the gender and race of scientific experts, suggesting that non-white, non-male scientists are somehow incapable of speaking on the basis of their qualifications and expertise.' Well, it is the Daily Scum Mail we're talking about, mate, it might be disappointing but it's hardly surprising. Aderin-Pocock, honorary research associate in UCL's physics and astronomy department, said: 'I picture the Newsnight team flipping through their Rolodex, saying "too white, too male ... ah, two ethnic minority females, perfect!" Monday was very busy for me, receiving ten requests for news interviews. I was able to do Radio 4's PM, 5Live, Channel Five News and Newsnight. I believe the requests were made for my ability to translate complex ideas into something accessible, rather than my gender or the colour of my skin.' Peiris, reader in astronomy at UCL, said: 'I deeply pity the sort of person who can watch a report about ground-breaking news on the origins of the universe and everything in it and see only the gender and skin colour of the panellists. I am disturbed that he has even erased the contributions of all of the non-white and non-male and non-American scientists involved in the discovery.' A Newsnight spokesman said: 'We ask people onto Newsnight because we think they know what they are talking about and have something interesting to say.' A Scum Mail spokesman,bac-trackig furiously, made it clear that the paper 'fully accepts' that the women were 'highly qualified in their field' and that was the reason they were chosen for interview. Which kind of makes you wonder why they printed such a mean-spirited, misogynistic, borderline racist piece of disgusting insidious pond-scum nonsense in the first place. Oh yes, that's right, because they're the Daily Scum Mail and they do that sort of shit all the time. Of course. Stupid of me.

For the latest Keith Telly Topping's A To Z Of Groovy Tunes, dear blog reader, U is for Underworld.

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