Tuesday, January 07, 2014

Don't Mention The War (I Did Once, But I Think I Got Away With It)

First days in a new job are often a bit awkward are they not, dear blog reader. But, there's usually somebody nice there to show you the ropes and tell you where the lavatories are ...
Indeed, hasn't it always been thus?
So, the first two images of yer actual Peter Capaldi filming series eight of Doctor Who has been unveiled. The photos show Peter as the new Doctor, still wearing the costume sported by his predecessor, yer actual Matt Smith, alongside his co-star Jenna Coleman her very self. 'New job, first day, slightly nervous,' Peter said. 'Just like The Doctor, I'm emerging from the TARDIS into a whole other world.' Lead writer and executive producer Steven Moffat added: 'First the eyebrows. Then, at Christmas, the face. Coming soon, the whole Doctor. In the Cardiff studios, the Capaldi era begins.' The Lord Thy God Moffat has written the first episode of the series whilst Phil Ford had scripted the second. Both are being directed by Ideal's Ben Wheatley. Filming is expected to continue until August 2014.
Peter has also revealed that he dislocated his thumb while filming The Musketeers. Capaldi, who plays Cardinal Richelieu in the new BBC drama adaptation, said: 'I suffered a nasty dislocated thumb, but embarrassingly not from swinging a sword around. Instead, my injury came from a domestic the cardinal was having with milady, Maimie McCoy. I threw her against the wall not realising I'd caught my thumb in her large frock. I felt a jab of pain. And when the director said "cut" I looked down and saw my thumb was on the wrong way round. Nasty. Instinct took over and I shoved it back - which made my eyes water and my knees weak.'
Sherlock continued its impressive third series with 8.84 million overnight viewers (a thirty two per cent share of the available audience) between 8.30pm and 10pm on BBC1 on Sunday. The Sign Of Three was, comfortably, the most watched programme of the day. The second episode was down, a fraction - by around four hundred thousand viewers - from the massive overnight audience for New Year's Day episode. It was still, however, above the series two overnight launch ratings of 8.75m in 2012. Earlier, Celebrity Mastermind was watched by 4.52m at 7pm, while Antiques Roadshow interested 5.85m at 7.30pm. Twatting About On Ice returned for its - thankfully - final series with 6.23 million, its lowest ever launch rating on overnights, although it did win its slot against Celebrity Mastermind. This figure is down by over a million viewers from last year's launch episode, which attracted 7.77m viewers. The subsequent Twatting About On Ice results show fared even worse, drawing 5.64 million. All Star Family Fortunes was watched by 5.44m at 7.45pm, while All New It'll Be Alright On The Night appealed to 3.81m at 9pm. BBC2's Nature's Weirdest Events gathered an audience of 2.25m at 8pm. Dan Snow's Operation Grand Canyon was seen by 2.55m at 9pm, followed by a repeat of Charlie Brooker's 2013 Wipe with nine hundred and fifty two thousand punters at 10pm. On Channel Four, Speed with Guy Martin brought in 1.63m at 8pm, while the Cameron Diaz movie Bad Teacher attracted 1.91m at 9pm. Channel Five's Miss Congeniality 2 had 1.04m at 6.45pm, while Celebrity Big Brother continued with 2.05m at 9pm.

The 7.39 came out on top in the drama ratings battle on Monday evening, according to overnight data. The BBC1 romantic drama starring David Morrissey, Sheridan Smith and Olivia Colman was seen by 5.66 million viewers at 9pm. Earlier, A Question of Sport had an audience of 3.50m punters at 8.30pm. ITV's returning drama series The Bletchley Circle opened to 4.11m at 9pm. Griff Rhys Jones's Great Welsh Adventure appealed to 3.71m at 8pm. On BBC2, University Challenge attracted its usual decent numbers, 3.13m (12.7%) at 8pm, followed by The Sacred Wonders Of Britain fronted by Scottish Neil Oliver (and his lovely hair) with 1.85m at 8.30pm. Channel Four's new series Benefits Street - which had attracted controversy before it had even been shown - was watched by an impressive 3.61m viewers at 9pm. Food Unwrapped's 'diet special' brought in 1.82m at 8pm and the documentary Secrets Of The Living Dolls interested 1.98m at 10pm. On Channel Five, The Gadget Show had an audience of seven hundred and sixteen thousand punters at 8pm, followed by the latest Celebrity Big Brother with 2.08m at 9pm.

The 7.39 rose in the overnight ratings for its concluding episode on Tuesday. The romantic drama gained over one hundred thousand viewers from Monday's episode, attracting 5.77 million at 9pm. Later, Terry Wogan's Secrets Of The Bodyclock appealed to 2.59m at 10.35pm. Channel Four's new series The Taste featuring Nigella Lawson - she has her knockers - launched with 1.61m at 9pm. Location, Location, Location - also fronted by a musmy, bossy Tory - brought in 2.39m at 8pm. On BBC2, this year's three-part Stargazing Live opened to 2.77m at 8pm, followed by Stargazing Live: Back To Earth with 1.74m at 9pm. Nick Robinson's Truth About Immigration interested 1.37m. ITV's River Monsters attracted 2.66m at 8pm, followed by Weight Loss Ward with 2.28m at 9pm. The Lying Game: Crimes That Fooled Britain had an audience of 2.40m at 10pm. Channel Five's Gibraltar: Britain In The Sun was seen by 1.13m at 8pm, while Celebrity Big Brother gathered 2.05m at 9pm. Autopsy: Michael Jackson's Final Hours was watched by 1.47m ghouls at 10pm. ITV3's Midsomer Murders topped the multichannels with 1.02m at 8pm.

Here's the consolidated figures for the Top Twenty programmes, week-ending 29 December 2013:-
1 Still Open All Hours - Thurs BBC1 - 12.23m
2 Mrs Brown's Boys - Wed BBC1 - 11.52m
3 Doctor Who - Wed BBC1 - 11.14m
4 Coronation Street - Wed ITV - 9.40m
5 EastEnders - Wed BBC1 - 9.36m
6 Call The Midwife - Wed BBC1 - 9.16m
7 Downton Abbey - Wed ITV - 8.95m
8 Strictly Come Dancing - Wed BBC1 - 8.84m
9 Death Comes To Pemberley - Thurs BBC1 - 7.81m
10 Emmerdale - Fri ITV - 7.47m
11 Last Tango In Halifax - Tues BBC1 - 7.39m
12 Gangsta Granny - Thurs BBC1 - 7.36m
13 Film: Toy Story 3 - Wed BBC1 - 7.33m
14 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 6.31m
15 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 6.06m
16 Film: Pirates of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides - Sun BBC1 - 5.93m
17 The Queen's Christmas Message - Wed BBC1 - 5.82m
18 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 5.76m
19 Ten O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 5.76m
20 Michael McIntyre's Showtime - Wed BBC1 - 5.26m
21 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 5.25m
All ITV programmes, for once, do include HD figures. There's a novelty. BBC2's top-rated show of the week was Christmas University Challenge (2.83m), followed by a - thoroughly unwelcome - repeat of Victoria Wood's Nasty And Wretched Midlife Christmas (2.69m) and Qi XL (2.42m). Channel Four's best rated show for the week was Big Fat Quiz of The Year 2013 with 3.16m. A broadcast of the movie Abduction was Channel Five's highest performer with 1.68m.

Doctor Who was once again - and, by a distance - the most popular show on the BBC's iPlayer over the festive period with almost two million online views, as requests for TV and radio programmes rose by a third compared to Christmas 2012. The Christmas special, The Time Of The Doctor, which saw yer actual Matt Smith bow out and Peter Capaldi his very self regenerate as the fourteenth Time Lord (ish), had 1.96m programme requests on the iPlayer, according to BBC figures published on Tuesday. Doctor Who also topped the iPlayer Christmas viewing list in 2012, although with fewer viewing requests - 1.47m. The latest iPlayer festive top five includes the Christmas Day and Boxing Day episodes of EastEnders and Mrs Brown's Boys Christmas special – the most watched UK show on 25 December.

The BBC has hailed 2013 as 'the year of the tablet' after its popularity as a Christmas present saw viewing of TV programmes on the iPlayer via such devices pass laptop and desktop computers for the first time. Dan Taylor, head of the BBC iPlayer, said that tablet usage overtook viewing on computers as the most popular way to access the iPlayer from Boxing Day through to 30 December. 'With new gadgets being at the top of many Christmas wish lists, we see a lot of new devices accessing BBC iPlayer over the holiday period,' said Taylor, in a post on the BBC Internet blog. '2013 truly proved to be the year of the tablet and after they were all unwrapped, Boxing Day saw tablet viewing overtake computer viewing for the first time in iPlayer history.' On Boxing Day there were 2.2 million iPlayer requests from tablets, compared to 2.1 million from computers. Requests from mobile devices such as smartphones also rose significantly on Boxing Day, however at just under 1.6 million they remained some way below tablets and computers. By New Year's Eve, tablet requests had dropped back to 1.93 million, just a fraction behind computer requests at 1.95 million. New Year's Day was the iPlayer's best-ever day, with nearly elevebn million programme requests (most of them for Sherlock, one imagines), as computers (2.91 million viewing requests) stayed ahead of tablets (2.65 million). The shift in consumer media consumption habits has been dramatic over the past year, during the festive period of 2012 tablet usage was typically less than half that of computer viewing on the iPlayer. 'Christmas Day TV is all about families gathering around the biggest screen of the house and most viewing on the day is via broadcast TV,' said Taylor. 'BBC iPlayer has an important role as a complementary platform for BBC broadcast programmes, especially on Boxing Day and New Year's Day, when requests on iPlayer really start to peak and you have time to catch-up on the must-watch Christmas programmes.' The BBC said there were nine hundred and forty one thousand downloads of the iPlayer mobile and tablet apps over the festive period, from 21 December to New Year's Day. New Year's day programme requests were up thirty five per cent year-on-year, from 8.1 million in 2012.

Gareth Roberts has revealed that he will be returning to the Doctor Who writing team this year. Quench, a Cardiff student lifestyle magazine, features an interview with Gareth in its latest issue and reports that he is 'currently working on the new Peter Capaldi episodes for Doctor Who series eight.' Gareth has written five episodes for Doctor Who in the past: The Shakespeare Code, The Unicorn and the Wasp, Planet of the Dead, The Lodger and Closing Time, as well as writing a number of episodes for the spin-off series The Sarah Jane Adventures. His other writing credits include Wizards vs Aliens and long stints on the writing teams of Emmerdale and Coronation Street. He is also the only man in history to have managed to make James Corden even remotely funny.

News coverage of the shocking murder of Fusilier Lee Rigby in Woolwich did not breach broadcasting guidelines, according to broadcasting watchdog Ofcom. They received almost six hundred and eighty complaints about the footage run by several news outlets on 22 May 2013. Many of these people found the images, including mobile phone footage from the scene, 'graphic and distressing' and disrespectful to Fusilier Rigby's family. Ofcom ruled that the 'detailed' coverage of the main news programmes was justified 'by the context.' However, it went on to issue new guidance about carrying appropriate warnings about footage of a graphic nature. Last month, Michael Adebolajo and Michael Adebowale were found guilty of murdering Fusilier Rigby as he returned to his barracks in South-East London. The pair drove their car at the soldier before attacking him with knives and attempting to decapitate him. At least two members of the public had filmed the violent incident on their mobile phone, which featured both the suspects, including one speaking directly to the camera with a machete in his hands, covered in blood. The footage was widely available through social media and was used by various broadcasters in their coverage. Ofcom received numerous complaints accusing news programmes of giving one of the alleged attackers 'a platform to justify and explain his actions' and expressing concern at the effect the content could have on younger viewers. The watchdog went on to assess material from a range of broadcasts, including BBC Six O'Clock News, Sky News, Channel Four News, ITV Six O'Clock News, London Tonight, Channel Five News, World News Today on BBC4 and, on radio, The Iain Dale Show on LBC 97.3 FM. It concluded that: 'While the coverage was detailed and at times distressing, we did not consider that the images were too offensive for broadcast given they were appropriately scheduled and justified by the context.' Taking into account the 'unprecedented nature of the incident', Ofcom took the view that 'the vast majority of the audience watched or listened to these news programmes with the expectation of viewing or hearing an up-to-date account and analysis of what had happened in London. These would be appropriately illustrated with the most relevant and dramatic pictures available at time (television of course being a visual medium), or eye witness testimony.' It noted that, in the majority of cases, 'various warnings were given to viewers', although the radio station LBC apparently broadcast a particularly 'detailed and graphic description' of the incident without any prior warning. However, the station, which is primarily targeted at adults, 'subsequently broadcast an apology to mitigate any offence that may have been caused.' Ofcom has now set out new guidance to broadcasters, highlighting the need to give viewers appropriate warnings before broadcasting material which might cause them 'offence or distress.' Whether this will include the current series of Celebrity Big Brother is not, at this time, known. The body made its rulings last year, but postponed publication until the conclusion of the criminal trial.

A geet stroppy girly tiff has erupted between yer actual Sir Tony Robinson and the rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove after the lack of education secretary claimed, ridiculously, that 'left-wing academics' - whatever the Hell that means - were using Blackadder Goes Forth 'to feed myths' about World War One. As someone whose grandfather fought at - and survived - the utterly pointless carnage of Passchendaele, please allow this particular tax payer (and voter, you know, Mr Gove, one of those 'annoying little people' who pay your wages) - to ask if the lack of education secretary wouldn't mind, awfully, shutting the fek up and getting on with doing his own job - whatever that's supposed to be, instead of playing TV critic (or, indeed, historian). When the news that yer man Tony wasn't very happy over these comments was announced, a queue a mile long instantly formed behind him of people offering to hold his coat. Sir Tone, who played Baldrick - brilliantly - in the much-loved BBC comedy and has since made a very good career for himself making social history programmes for Channel Four, said that rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove was, essentially, 'slagging off teachers.' And, he's got a face like a smacked arse as well. Of course, it's worth pointing out that his looks don't, necessarily, make him a bad person. Oh no. It's his words that do that. But, the rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove claimed that Sir Tony was 'wrong' - which he isn't - and claimed that he had not been attacking teachers - which he was - just 'myths.' The row comes ahead of centenary commemorations for the outbreak of WW1. The acclaimed final series of Blackadder, set in the trenches of WW1, depicts Britain's military leaders (in the form of Stephen Fry's General Melchett) as ridiculous cowards and buffoons, in common with earlier fictional accounts of the conflict such as the 1960s musical farce Oh, What a Lovely War! and the 1980s drama The Monocled Mutineer - both of which the rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove also singled out for criticism. The rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove told the Daily Scum Mail on Thursday, that people's understanding of the war had been 'overlaid' by 'misrepresentations' which at worst reflected 'an unhappy compulsion on the part of some to denigrate virtues such as patriotism, honour and courage.' Which they don't, or anything even remotely like it. 'The war was, of course, an unspeakable tragedy, which robbed this nation of our bravest and best,' wrote the rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove. 'But even as we recall that loss and commemorate the bravery of those who fought, it's important that we don't succumb to some of the myths which have grown up about the conflict.' He added: 'The conflict has, for many, been seen through the fictional prism of dramas such as Oh, What a Lovely War!, The Monocled Mutineer and Blackadder, as a misbegotten shambles - a series of catastrophic mistakes perpetrated by an out-of-touch elite. Even to this day there are left-wing academics all too happy to feed those myths.' He was, seemingly, unaware that many scenes in Oh, What a Lovely War! were actually based on historian, diarist and future Conservative cabinet minister the late Alan Clark's revisionist history of WW1, The Donkeys, which is credited by some as being a starting point for the trend for unflattering portrayals of WW1 top brass. It's a superb, thought-provoking, intelligent and very angry book and is highly recommended to any dear blog reader who may be uncertain as to what this argument is all about. You can probably pick it up on Amazon for a couple of quid. Speaking to Sky News on Sunday, Sir Tony, a former member of Labour's National Executive Committee, said: 'I think Mr Gove has just made a very silly mistake; it's not that Blackadder teaches children the First World War. When imaginative teachers bring it in, it's simply another teaching tool; they probably take them over to Flanders to have a look at the sights out there, have them marching around the playground, read the poems of Wilfred Owen to them. And one of the things that they'll do is show them Blackadder. And I think to make this mistake, to categorise teachers who would introduce something like Blackadder as left-wing and introducing left-wing propaganda is very, very unhelpful. And I think it's particularly unhelpful and irresponsible for a minister in charge of education.' Which it is but then, that's pretty much par for the course for the rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove. Who is an arsehole. Sir Tony said it was 'just another example of slagging off teachers,' adding: 'I don't think that's professional or appropriate.' A spokesman for rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove claimed: 'Tony Robinson is wrong. Michael wasn't attacking teachers, he was attacking the myths perpetuated in Blackadder and elsewhere. Michael thinks it is important not to denigrate the patriotism, honour and courage demonstrated by ordinary British soldiers in the First World War.' Not that anybody had - quite the opposite, in fact. Earlier, the shadow education secretary and TV historian Tristram Hunt also criticised the rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove's 'crass' comments. In an article in the Observer, the Labour MP wrote: 'The reality is clear: the government is using what should be a moment for national reflection and respectful debate to rewrite the historical record and sow political division.' In October, Newsnight presenter Jeremy Paxman, who has written a book to tie in with the centenary of the start of WW1, criticised schools for relying on episodes of Blackadder Goes Forth to teach pupils about the conflict. But then, Paxo is a geet miserable auld geezer at the best of times and doesn't much like anybody or anything. And, there are days when this blogger knows exactly how he feels.
And, speaking of Paxo, the Newsnight presenter has shaved off his infamous beard for the New Year. And, this constitutes 'news', apparently. Speaking to the Radio Times, Paxman said: 'If a chap can't shave on holiday, what can he do? Beards are so 2013.' Heh! Paxo said a funny, everybody. That's a novelty. Paxo unintentionally created a - wholly ludicrous - 'media storm' when he fronted Newsnight with a full beard in August. At the time, he branded the BBC 'pogonophobic' - having a fear of beards. He also explained his reasons, saying: 'I have grown a beard for the last few summers, and suddenly wondered whether I really needed to shave it off to present Newsnight. Unless you're lucky enough to be Uncle Albert on Only Fools And Horses, Demis Roussos or Abu Hamza, the BBC is generally as pogonophobic as the late-lamented Albanian dictator, Enver Hoxha.' Expanding on his thesis, he told the Torygraph: 'Beards promise freedom.' Never heard that one. They do, undeniably, promote itchiness. 'They cover a multitude of chins,' Paxo continued. 'They spare you having to look in the mirror at the ravages of time, absolve you of pointless, never-to-be-acted-upon promises to yourself, and they remind you that you're not going into the office today.' Radio broadcaster Robin Lustig, a previous Beard of the Year winner (for, there is such a thing dear blog reader), agreed that the BBC was 'biased' against beards. 'On TV, yes definitely, the evidence is there,' he said. 'There's no bearded current affairs presenter. Michael Buerk was once old to shave off his beard if he wanted to carry on presenting.' Celebrities also waded into the - manufactured - 'debate', with Russell Brand, telling Paxo his beard was 'gorgeous' during an infamously daft Newsnight interview. 'If the Daily Mail don't want it, I do,' Brand added. 'I'm against them, grow it longer, tangle it into your armpit hair.' Paxman replied: 'You are a very trivial man.' Yes, Jeremy, he is. Very trivial. The Beard Liberation Front, which describes itself as 'a British and international pressure group which campaigns in support of beards and opposes discrimination against those who wear them' but, actually, is just 'a few blokes with beards giving themselves a grandiose over-the-top-title' (and, hey, good on them for that), said it was 'a shame' Paxman had decided to return to his clean-shaven look. 'We support people's right to dress and appear as they want so, while we regret Jeremy Paxman's decision to shave off his gravitas-adding beard, the choice should be entirely up to him, BBC pogonophobia notwithstanding.' While Paxman made the shortlist for The Beard Liberation Front's Beard of the Year award for 2013, he was beaten by choirmaster Gareth Malone and John Hurt, who claimed joint first place.

The creator of Downton Abbey, Lord Snooty, has hinted that the hit show's next series could be its last. But it looks like at least one of its stars already has an exit strategy. Michelle Dockery, who plays Lady Mary, has shown she can tackle comedy by appearing in a spoof trailer for a Law & Order-style cop show called Tough Justice. The actress, whose Lady Mary character is known for being straight-laced and demure, displays her weapon, takes semen samples and slaps her detective partner, played by The Shield hard man Michael Chiklis. There's some good gags as Detective Connie Tough, hence the title, pulls on long silk gloves at a crime scene and asks Carson to bring the car around. When told a maid has died, she tells Chiklis: 'Well, I suppose they'll have to get another maid. Case closed.' Comedy website Funny Or Die made the spoof – narrated by Mad Men's Jon Hamm – to tie in with the successful launch of Downton's fourth series in the US.
Mrs Brown's Boys will not return to TV until 2015, actor Gary Hollywood has said. Hollywood, who plays hairdresser Dino Doyle in the sitcom, told the Daily Record that the show's creator Brendan O'Carroll is 'too busy with tours', the forthcoming movie and various other spin-offs work to make another series of the massively popular sitcom. 'Brendan's writing as quick as he can but I'm afraid viewers will have to wait another year before they see any new TV episodes,' Hollywood said. 'We've been touring the UK non-stop and Brendan wrote a book, a movie and two Christmas specials last year.' He added: 'We're also about to tour Australia, with almost half-a-million tickets already sold for our forty two shows. Once that is over, we will rush back to the UK for the premiere of Mrs Brown's Boys D'Movie in June, then we've two more Christmas specials to do.'

One of life's great certainties is that Radio 4's news bulletins follow the Big Ben bongs at the top of the hour. Always. Since the dawn of time (or, the dawn of radio news, anyway). Except the nation's most popular speech radio station ground to a halt on Saturday when its 6pm news bulletin 'went missing' – for the best part of ten minutes. It was left to presenter and announcer Arlene Fleming to fill the gap with a mixture of Radio 4 trails, apologies, and exhaustive references to the Radio 4 website. Radio 4 said later that it was 'sorry for any inconvenience caused to our listeners.' 'Well, that was very nice to hear from Big Ben but we would like to hear the news,' Fleming told listeners. 'I'm afraid we're having some technical problems which have prevented us from continuing with our scheduled programmes as we would wish.' Trails for programmes such as Loose Ends and Desert Island Discs followed, along with a plug for the BBC's on-demand radio programmes. 'We can't always listen to the radio when we like,' said Kirsty Young on one of the trails and, she certainly wasn't kidding that evening. Eventually, a relieved Fleming announced: 'I'm glad to say we can return to the Six O'Clock News.' Except it was a false start. Cue further trails until finally, nine minutes of desperate filling later: 'We are getting back to the news shortly. I really do hope so. Let's have a try now. This is BBC Radio 4 and hopefully we can go to the Six O'Clock News with Susan Rae ...' And a nation rejoiced.

Samsung has shown off the Bendable TV - an eighty five inch prototype that allows the curvature of its screen to be adjusted by remote control. Though, why the hell anyone would want to bend their telly is, frankly, beyond this blogger. The LED set was unveiled at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas.
Francesca and Elisabetta Grillo, who were recently found extremely not guilty of defrauding Nigella Lawson and Charles Saatchi out of a massive chunk of wonga, say that they wish Lawson 'all the best.' And, one is sure that Nigella - she has her knockers - will be delighted to hear of the pairs best wishes. 'She is well-loved and she will always be loved. I am sure she will be fine,' Francesca told ITV's This Morning. She added that Lawson was 'very brave' to admit to her cocaine use in court, adding: 'Good for her for doing so.' But the pair, Lawson's former personal assistants, said that their friendship with the TV cook was 'probably' irreparable. Yeah, probably. Grassing up her - subsequently, self-confessed - drug use in public was, probably, a bit of relationship breaker.
Two shows fronted by yer actual Ant and/or Dec will go head-to-head at the 2013 National Television Awards. Saturday Night Takeaway and I'm A Z-List Former Celebrity Desperate To Get My Boat-Race Back On TV ... Please Vote For Me To Stay Here As Long As Possible (I'll Even Eat Worms If You Want) are both nominated for best entertainment programme, alongside Celebrity Juice and The Graham Norton Show. ITV crime drama Broadchurch gets three nominations, thanks to a new category honouring the best TV detective. Both of Broadchurch's leads - Olivia Colman and David Tennant - are up for that prize. They face competition from Idris Elba for Luther, Bradley Walsh for Law & Order: UK, Suranne Jones for Scott & Bailey and Sherlock's Benedict Cumberbatch. Despite no new episodes of Sherlock actually being broadcast during the entire qualifying period for the awards, Benny was still included in the shortlist as the organisers said repeats of Sherlock had 'proved so popular' with viewers. Following its hugely successful first series, Broadchurch is also nominated in the drama category - with competition from five times winner Doctor Who, Call The Midwife and last year's winner Downton Abbey. Battling it out in the drama performance category are Downton Abbey's Maggie Smith, Miranda Hart for Call The Midwife, Doc Martin's Martin Clunes and recently departed Doctor Who lead, Matt Smith. Ant McPartlin and/or Declan Donnelly are also up for best entertainment presenter, an award they have won for the past twelve years in a row. Meanwhile The X Factor competes with 2012's ratings winner Strictly Come Dancing, Britain's Got Toilets - also fronted by Ant and/or Dec - Twatting About On Ice and The Voice in the talent show category. Channel Four's hit classroom reality show, Educating Yorkshire, is nominated for best documentary series, against Inside Death Row With Trevor McDonald, Penguins: Spy in the Huddle and Paul O'Grady's Working Britain. O'Grady is also nominated in the factual entertainment category for his show For The Love of Dogs, which is up against The Great British Bake Off, Top Gear and An Idiot Abroad. The battle of the soaps sees EastEnders, Coronation Street, Emmerdale and Hollyoaks compete for the serial drama award. The awards ceremony, hosted by Dermot O'Dreary, takes place on 22 January.

In the most recent episode of Celebrity Big Brother, housemate and odious unfunny right-wing plank Jim Davidson had to retreat to the garden to be - violently - sick after taking part in an eating challenge. Come on, you have to admit, that was funny.

The London Mayor crazy Boris Johnson has 'laughed off' an apparent joke made at his expense on Sherlock, saying that it is 'perfectly acceptable for people to satirise politicians.' Johnson, who supports building a new airport in the Thames estuary, seemed to be the butt of the joke according to a rather atypical shit-stirring piece of trouble-making diarrhoea in the Daily Torygraph. A newspaper page, flashed on screen at the start of Sherlock's latest episode, The Sign Of Three, included an article suggesting that plans to turn part of the Thames into a motorway came after other 'bizarre concepts', including a 'recently mocked concept of putting an airport in the middle of the estuary.' The story quoted the 'current mayor' as 'backing' the scheme, shouting 'Huzzah!' Johnson told LBC Radio that people were 'entitled to make fun' of him. Oh, good. Glad we got that sorted. Ludicrous Old Etonian knobcheese and hairdo Johnson was not mentioned by name but he said during The Nick Ferrari Call-In Show on LBC: 'Everybody's entitled to make fun. If someone can't make fun, that's wrong.' yes. Very wrong. It's come to a pretty sorry pass and a right shite state of affairs when you can't take the piss out of a ridiculous plank such as crazy Boris. He added: 'I think it's perfectly acceptable for people to satirise politicians, and there you go.' But Johnson queried whether the report referred to his predecessor, Ken Livingstone, who had also looked into the possibility of building a new airport for London. He said: 'I don't rule out the possibility that this is an attack on the previous mayor.' A BBC spokeswoman said: 'Sherlock is a fictional drama series. Both the newspaper and mayor featured in the episode were entirely fictional and were not named or politically affiliated.'
Metro reports that Southend United fans - all five of them - almost missed seeing TV highlights of their team's 4-1 FA Cup win over hapless Millwall on Saturday. Which would have been a proper tragedy as the poor old Shrimpers have little enough to cheer about at the best of times. This near-calamitous discombobulation was, apparently, casual by a geographically-challenged ITV cameraman going to the wrong ground. He travelled to Southampton's St Mary's Stadium (over a hundred and thirty miles from Southend) instead of Roots Hall. Tragically for Millwall fans - all seven of them, although, one is Danny Baker so that slightly pushes them up the pecking order - a last-minute replacement was found.

On Wednesday morning, dear blog reader, yer actual was doing a quick top-up to the weekly shop at ASDA and happened to stroll by their 'mostly crap DVD's going cheap' section. Astoundingly, but very happily, yer actual Keith Telly Topping found both Qualmpeddler and Force Majeure in the 'five pound each or two for seven quid' bin. Keith Telly Topping his very self sincerely hopes that two of his comedy heroes - Mssrs Bailey and Izzard - don't mind that he extremely took full advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime deal and snatched their collective hands off. Christmas at Stately Telly Topping Manor, dear blog reader, has come early. Or, late. Whichever.
So, anyway, dear blog reader, for today's Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, this one is for the rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove. You laughable fraction of a human being.

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