Wednesday, December 05, 2012

It's Just Around The Corner In The English Civil War

Yer actual Matt Smith his very self has hinted at The Doctor's introduction to Clara in the Doctor Who Christmas special. The actor told the Radio Times that the Time Lord is 'attracted' to Jenna-Louise Coleman's 'hot chick' character. Though, obviously, in a totally non-hanky-panky-in-the-TARDIS find-of way. 'What's interesting with a new companion is that it changes the way he is and affects his personality,' Smudger claimed. 'I think, in one way or another, The Doctor is always attracted to his companion and he's certainly taken by this striking young lady.' However, the thirty-year-old added that The Doctor will be 'quite lonely' and 'removed from the universe' when festive special The Snowmen begins. 'The fall of the Ponds had a grave effect on the man,' he explained. 'I think he's not really as engaged as he was, at his best with Amy and Rory. With my Doctor, Amy and Rory are especially significant. But the show has to propel forward, back into adventure mode.'

Back in October ten candidates were announced for the TV Guide Fan Favorites [sic] Cover Poll, which enables readers to vote for their favourite television show to grace the cover of American weekly television listings magazine. The poll included a variety of popular American-based shows: Fringe, Grimm, Happy Endings, Parks & Recreation, Pretty Little Liars, Scandal, Spartacus: Blood and Snots, The Vampire Diaries and The Walking Dead. However, the country's breakfast show, Good Morning America, revealed on Wednesday that a little old British show rose above the rest to top the poll - Doctor Who, of course. What did you expect it was going to be, The Royal Bodyguard? TV Guide confirmed the accolade via their Facebook page: 'As revealed this morning by our friends at Good Morning America, the winner of our 2012 Fan Favorites [sic] cover poll is BBC America's Doctor Who. Congratulations to the show and to all the fans who voted!' The double issue, covering 10 to 23 December 2012, goes on sale in the US later this week. This will be the first time that Doctor Who has graced the cover of TV Guide, which will celebrate sixty years of publication in 2013. The closest Doctor Who came previously was with a special insert for the Paul McGann television Doctor Who TV movie in 1996. The show received another American honour earlier this year, when it made the front cover of US media magazine Entertainment Weekly.

Merlin's Colin Morgan has insisted that he is 'not interested' in playing the lead role on Doctor Who. Not that anybody who matters had actually suggested he was up for the role, of course. Just, ahem, 'Internet speculation.' And, doesn't that always end well?

Both BBC1 and ITV has confirmed their primetime line-ups for Christmas Day. On the Beeb, the hour-long Doctor Who special The Snowmen will be broadcast at the unusually early time of 5.15pm, with Strictly Come Dancing following at 6.15pm. A festive edition of Call The Midwife is scheduled for 7.30pm and an hour long EastEnders will be shown at 8.45pm. The Royle Family's Christmas special - which will see Dave plot to pitch an idea on Dragons' Den - will follow at 9.45pm. Both the Miranda and Mrs Brown's Boys Christmas episodes will be shown on Boxing Day at 9pm and 9.30pm respectively. Other confirmed dates in the latest batch of scheduling news include the Strictly final, which will go out at 6.30pm on 22 December, and the series launch of period crime thriller Ripper Street on 30 December. The final episode of fantasy drama Merlin will be shown on Christmas Eve at 8.15pm. ITV's Christmas Day schedules include Toy Story, which airs at 1.15pm, before The Queen's Speech. Another animated movie, Tangled, follows at 3.10pm. A You've Been Framed! Christmas special will be broadcast at 5pm, while Paul O'Grady's For the Love of Dogs at Christmas is shown at 6pm. The channel's two soaps, Emmerdale and Coronation Street have festive episodes being shown at 5.30pm and 7.30pm respectively. Downton Abbey kick starts the evening's entertainment at 8.45pm, followed by the Vince Vaughn comedy Couples Retreat at 10.45pm.

The excellent Adam Hills has been announced as this year's host of Channel Four's Alternative Christmas Message. The Australian comedian will continue the channel's tradition of providing viewers with a different festive speech to the Queen's official message. Hills's appointment follows his successful turn as host of The Last Leg, the humorous companion show to the channel's coverage of the London Paralympic games. 'This year's summer of sport culminated in the greatest Paralympic Games ever,' a Channel Four statement reads, and for once that's probably not hyperbole. 'Comedian Adam Hills contributed to this rewriting of perceptions with The Last Leg, his critically-acclaimed programme as part of Channel Four's ground-breaking Paralympics coverage. Now Adam presents Channel Four's alternative to the Queen's Christmas Day broadcast.' However, the Alternative Christmas Message will not air at the same time of the Queen's speech. It will be broadcast at 4.20pm on Christmas Day. Adam will also host a Christmas special of The Last Leg ahead of its second series in 2013. Marge Simpson, Jamie Oliver and Sharon Osbourne have been among past stars to present the channel's speech. Channel Four's alternative message has also been fronted by controversial hosts in the past, including Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Ali G.

On the very day that yer actual Keith Telly Toppingposted his own (highly personal and subjective) list for the best and worst TV shows of the year, what would have been an irresistible contender for a spot in the higher echelons of the latter, appeared on ITV2 missing the cut-off date for inclusion by twenty four hours. The Only Way Is Essex Live finally provided the nation's viewers with what many of us all been waiting for since this wretched, risible abomination of crass, self-indulgent arse-gravy began: an twenty-four carat TV car crash that will probably go down as one of the most disastrous, absurd, laughably bad excuses for a programmes in television history. As it's a semi-scripted show starring 'real people', The One Way Is Essex has always been hammy and stupid at the best of times. Add in the pressure of live TV and the whole thing deflated and then popped like a giant pink balloon filled with glitter (which, coincidentally, is what most of the cast look like) bursting on contact with something prickly. It didn't help that the episode was based around a charity talent show format which made it seem like a bad pantomime put on by drunk holiday reps stranded in Ibiza for New Year. In terms of overall quality, it made your average school play look like an all star production of Miss Saigon. But, don't just take yer actual Keith Telly Topping's word for it. dear blog reader. Check out, for instance, the Radio Times review by the excellently named Susanna Lazarus, Has The Only Way is Essex had its fifteen minutes of fame?: 'Gemma, Sam, Joey and the gang descending on Arg's charity talent show - what could possible go wrong? A lot, apparently. Any programme that begins with James Argent scurrying around backstage in his briefs makes for unsavoury viewing - that, swiftly followed by the sight of an orange Debbie Bright caught in her towel. Any viewers who made it past the first five minutes should be congratulated.'
In the first of the MasterChef: The Professional quarter-final episodes, the two young pretenders to Ash Mair's crown, Oli Boon and Aaron Ashmore, went head-to-head as they took part in service at Marcus Wareing at The Berkeley Hotel, one of London's top restaurants. Working under extreme pressure, the pair had to reach the exacting standards of the Michelin starred kitchen and the, rather full-of-himself shouty boss. The kind of bloke who, if I was a diner, I'd ask to see and then tell him his grub was vile and I wanted my money back. They were each responsible for a highly complex dish that needed to be executed with precision, finesse and on time (something Oli just about managed and Aaron struggled with). Then, it was back to MasterChef HQ for one last challenge. In this daunting test, they had to produce a main course and dessert inspired by their experience at The Berkeley - and blow the judges' minds. Michel and Gregg then had to decide which chef was going to leave the competition. Oli's main of beef, ceps purée, Grelot onion and wood sorrel and dessert of Palet d'or and poached cherries marginally had the better of Aaron's Chaud-froid of scallops, black olive, strawberry and basil and toast parfait, poached cherries, hazelnuts and lemon thyme and the impressive twenty two year old from London became the first of this year's three finalists. In the second quarter final episode, on Wednesday, many viewer's favourite for the big prize, Northumberland chef James Burton will be taking on Ross Marshall from St Andrews. The third quarter final is on Thursday night.

Fresh Meat's Kimberley Nixon and ex-Busted musician Matt Willis have landed roles in ITV's latest Agatha Christie's Marple film. Greenshaw's Folly will also star Martin Compston, Fiona Shaw and Sam Reid opposite Julia McKenzie as Miss Marple. Completing the cast line-up are Hustle's Robert Glenister, Julia Sawalha, Rufus Jones, Judy Parfitt, John Gordon Sinclair and Vic Reeves. Filming has commenced on location in Hertfordshire on the episode, the second of three TV movies commissioned by ITV. Greenshaw's Folly has been adapted by Tim Whitnall from two Agatha Christie short stories - Greenshaw's Folly and The Thumb Mark of St Peter. The three new Agatha Christie's Marple films are set to broadcast on ITV in 2013.

Billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch reportedly refused to speak to his daughter Elisabeth for nine weeks after she gave the keynote MacTaggart lecture at the Edinburgh International Television Festival in which she rounded on her brother James Murdoch the small. Billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch was, reportedly, 'furious' with her decision to turn on James and to implicitly criticise him when she extolled the virtues of the BBC licence fee, something he has railed continuously against, notably in his own notorious 'greed is good' MacTaggart lecture some years ago. This is all according to a lengthy piece in the latest edition of the New Yorker, involving interviews with both Elisabeth and her husband Matthew Freud. Neither are quoted directly in the article about billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch's response to his daughter's MacTaggart lecture in August. The New Yorker reports that Murdoch and his daughter only spoke after the News Corporation chairman and chief executive's close friend, Robert Thomson, the editor of the Wall Street Journal and soon-to-be chief executive of News Corp's demerged publishing company, pressed her to call her father. 'I think he realised it was not a loving reaction,' Elisabeth said of her father. The article also suggests that the rift with her younger brother is far from healed. She fell out with James over the phone-hacking affair at the Scum of the World and made little attempt to repair relations when she used the MacTaggart lecture to admonish him for remarking three years earlier in his own MacTaggart that 'the only reliable, durable and perpetual guarantor of independence is profit.' She corrected him, declaring the 'profit without purpose is a recipe for disaster.' She told the New Yorker she had one regret: 'I should have said more positive things about James.' When she was in New York in mid-November, she went to her father's home for dinner. She did not see James the small, who now lives in New York and she has not had a personal conversation with him 'for many months,' the magazine claimed. Ms Murdoch, who shelved plans to take a seat on the News Corp board in August 2011 as the phone-hacking scandal continued to batter the reputation of the media empire, is quizzed about her relationship with her father and asked why she does not get involved. She is not expected to take a seat on the either boards of the two new companies which will be created by the demerger next year. She tells the New Yorker that she has 'never been able to impress' her father, in the context of work, so she decided to go it alone with her independent TV production company Shine, which was sold to News Corp in 2011. Asked how much of her drive was motivated by a desire to impress her father, she responded: 'You'd love your parents to be proud of you. "f course that influenced me. But not so much any more, because I feel – how to say this? – I feel that I know who I am. Each time I tried to work in his company, he wasn't impressed. I realised I had to just go and be myself.'
An MP has told parliament he believes that a laptop was destroyed to 'eliminate evidence' that a photograph of Saddam Hussein pictured in his underpants was obtained illegally – a picture of the former dictator that was published by the Sun and the New York Post on the front page of both billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch-owned newspapers in 2005. Chris Bryant, speaking under parliamentary privilege in a debate on the Leveson report, said it was 'difficult to see how' the editors of both newspapers and the reporters involved 'could possibly pretend that they did not know' how the photograph was obtained 'and that there had been criminality involved in the process of securing that photo.' He added 'for that matter' it was difficult to see how the editors could say that 'they didn't know that the laptop on which that information and that photograph was kept was destroyed, I believe so as to destroy the evidence of that criminality.' The MP said he had information from 'two well-placed people inside News International' that the newspapers paid 'a substantial sum to a serving member of the United States armed forces ... for a photograph of Saddam Hussein.' He added that 'a much larger amount was then paid via a specially set up account in the United Kingdom' to the same source. The picture of Saddam wearing only Y-fronts – whose ultimate source was alleged to be the US military – was run on the front pages of both newspapers in May 2005. The Sun headlined the image: The tyrant's in his pants. Meanwhile, the Post, crediting the Sun, opted for Butcher of Sagdad. The MP did not name the editors of the newspapers. Well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Rebekah Brooks was the editor of the Sun at the time, while Col Allan was then, and still is, the editor in chief of the New York Post. Bryant asked for News Corporation's 'powerful management and standards committee,' which has investigated alleged corrupt payments to public officials, to 'provide all the e-mails from Rupert Murdoch to News International staff as a matter of urgency that relate to this matter and, in particular, to the photo of Saddam Hussein.' New Corp declined to comment on Bryant's allegations other than to say that he was 'wrong' about the management and standards committee, which the company said was 'continuing to co-operate with police.' Payments to public officials are extremely illegal in both the US and the UK, and twenty one journalists at the Sun have so far been arrested as part of the long-running Operation Elveden investigation into corrupt payments in Britain. The US Foreign Corrupt Practices Act bans US-owned companies from bribing public officials. News Corp, which is under investigation by the FBI, has never denied paying for the picture, which the Sun's managing editor of the time, Graham Dudman, said cost 'a small sum' when it was first published. But Murdoch's company has repeatedly argued its decision was 'in the public interest.' When the initial articles on this topic were published last month, it said: 'We didn't believe then, and certainly don't believe now, that it was wrong to acquire and publish newsworthy photographs of a notorious war criminal.'

There's a marvellous over-the-top character assassination of the vile and odious rascal Miller, the lack of culture secretary in the Gruniad this week by columnist Simon Hoggart to which yer actual Keith Telly Topping is delighted to draw dear blog reader's attention. Headlined Ms Miller! No! We will not let you go, it includes the following gem: 'Maria Miller, the new culture secretary, had been stuck with the job of backing David Cameron's position on the Leveson report. She had been flustered on the Today programme when John Humphrys pointed out that the prime minister had promised to implement Leveson unless it was "bonkers." Was it bonkers? he asked several times. There is no answer to that, or if there is, nobody had thought to tell her. This time she ploughed on, getting more confused as the interventions got louder. It became clear that watching Ms Miller speak is like seeing Ann Widdecombe dance, or Margaret Thatcher tell a joke. Whatever you think about their other abilities, that is not one of them.' Sounds about right.

JK Rowling's first novel for adults, The Casual Vacancy, is to be dramatised for BBC television. The author will 'collaborate closely' on the adaptation which is expected to be broadcast on BBC1 in 2014. That's if she's not to busy organising Mummy's Against Cameron quiche mornings, of course. Set in a small-town community in the West Country, it centres on the unexpected death of Barry Fairbrother, which shocks the local villagers. Rowling said she was 'thrilled' that the novel has been commissioned. 'I always felt that, if it were to be adapted, this novel was best suited to television and I think the BBC is the perfect home.' BBC1 controller Danny Cohen said he was 'excited' to bring Rowling's latest work to audiences. '[Her] story-telling is of course peerless in its popularity, and I am looking forward to collaborating with her,' he said. The series will be produced for BBC1 by an independent production company with Rick Senat as executive producer. The BBC said the number and length of episodes will be decided once the adaptation process has begun. Described by publishers Little Brown and Co as 'blackly comic, thought-provoking and constantly surprising,' there were mixed reviews for the novel when it was published in September, with Rowling variously described as 'unadventurous', 'bleak' and 'brilliant' by newspaper critics. It sold one hundred and twenty five thousand copies in its first week on the market, becoming the fastest-selling hardback in the UK for three years and the second biggest seller since records began in 1998. More than four hundred and fifty million copies of Rowling's seven Harry Potter books have been sold worldwide.

An American cable network says it has cast former Seinfeld star Michael Richards in a pilot for a new sitcom. TV Land claims that Richards, best known as Seinfeld's eccentric neighbour Cosmo Kramer, will tape the pilot episode of a series called Giant Baby next week. It will co-star Kirstie Alley and Rhea Perlman, both of who made their names on the classic 1980s sitcom Cheers. Richards has largely been off-screen since 2006, when he was filmed directing some very unfortunate racist insults to hecklers at a stand-up gig. The comedian later apologised, saying he 'went into a rage' when his act was interrupted. If commissioned for a full series, Giant Baby will be the comedian's first regular role since the short-lived sitcom The Michael Richards Show was broadcast on NBC in 2000. Richards played Vic Nardozza, a lanky and clumsy private investigator in the show, which ran for just eight episodes. Before that, he received three EMMY Awards for outstanding supporting actor for his role on Seinfeld. Kramer re-appeared in the seventh series of Curb Your Enthusiasm, in a series of episodes WHICH centred around a Seinfeld Reunion. Richards also appeared recently in Jerry Seinfeld's web series Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Giant Baby follows the story of fictional Broadway star Madison Banks, played by Alley, who reconnects with her long-lost son after the death of his adopted mother. Richards will play Maddie's limo driver, while Perlman will play her assistant and best friend. The series creator is Marco Pennette.

Classic crime drama Ironside (that's A Man Called Ironside to British viewers of a certain age!) is to be revamped by NBC. Because, as previously noted, it appears that no one in US TV seems to have a single frigging original idea in their collective head these days. Which is a shame although, that said, if the reboot of this is half as good as the reimagining of one of Ironside's contemporaries, Hawaii Five-0, then it might just work. The original - much-loved - series ran from 1967 to 1975 (just under two hundred episodes) and with a reunion TV movie in 1993. It starred the excellent Raymond Burr as the eponymous San Francisco police commissioner confined to a wheelchair after suffering a paralysing gunshot wound in the opening episode. The series also starred Don Galloway as suit-and-tie, Madison Avenue-scene, plastic-fantastic straight-up L7 square daddio, Ed Brown, Don Mitchell as jive-talkin', hip-walkin' bad-ass brotha from the mean streets, kinky afro, don't be givin' me no jive turkey while I stick it to The Man, Mark Sanger and Barbara Anderson as entirely-made-of-cardboard Eve Whitfield. It was really rather good, a Saturday night regular on BBC1 in the UK and a particular favourite of yer actual Keith Telly Topping who's even got three or four episodes stashed away on video somewhere (including the series masterpiece episode, The Quincunx, guest starring the late David Carradine). Great Quincy Jones theme tune too. Person of Interest's Dave Semel is attached to direct the reboot pilot, according to Vulture. God help me, I'm actually quite looking forward to see what they make of this second time around.

Holly Willoughby has received an apology and 'a four-figure sum' in damages from the Sunday Sport after it published a fake 'up the skirt' photo which it had claimed was, you know, up her skirt. The shot of a young woman getting out of a taxi appeared on the paper's front page on 11 November, alongside shots of Willoughby at an awards ceremony. The paper admitted using the photo to 'create the illusion it was Holly.' Willoughby said that she was 'delighted' with the outcome of the 'unpleasant episode.' And, especially, with the nice wadge of unexpected wonga she'll be getting. The host of This Morning and The Voice had threatened legal action against the Sunday Sport, who headlined the revealing photo with Holly Willoughby up the skirt photo shock! However lawyers said that she has agreed not to pursue the matter after the paper's front-page apology on 25 November. It admitted that the woman was wearing a dress 'in similar fabric' but that 'contrary to the clear impression that we give in the edition, no part of the "up-skirt" photograph was of Holly Willoughby.' In a statement issued by her lawyer Jonathan Coad from Lewis Silkin on Tuesday, Willoughby said she would give the money to charity. 'I am delighted that the Sunday Sport has on its front page informed its readers that they were misled about the "up-skirt" picture they published which the paper said was of me, and made a fulsome apology,' she said. Willoughby revealed the newspaper had paid her damages and her legal fees. She added: 'I am donating my damages to the wonderful charity of which I'm a patron, Together for Short Lives, which at least means that something good has come out of this unpleasant episode.' The paper said it apologised 'unreservedly to Holly for the embarrassment we have caused to her and her family.'

Meanwhile, here's a rather cautionary tale on the perils of perfect teeth. Ms Willoughby has also this week, according to the Gruniad Morning Star, been forced to provide 'written evidence' to advertising regulators guaranteeing that she doesn't have fake white teeth, after some viewers complained that they 'looked unbelievably white' in a TV testimonial for Oral B. Willoughby was on the receiving end of complaints to the Advertising Standards Authority accusing her of having pearly whites achieved by 'digital manipulation' of the commercial or 'professional whitening.' As part of its defence Oral B parent Proctor & Gamble admitted that Willoughby's teeth 'had been cleaned prior to the shoot' – one would certainly hope so – but denied any sneaky whitening. She also provided 'written confirmation' that what viewers saw on screen really was a 'true and accurate' representation of her dental hygiene regime and that her pearlies really are that sparkly. The ASA, no doubt won over by Holly's dazzling smile, decided Willoughby has class-A chompers and dismissed the complaints from those suspicious viewers.

Disney has lost its appeal against a court decision that awarded three hundred and nineteen million bucks to the creators of the game show, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? over unpaid profits. In 2010 a US jury found that Disney hid the show's profits from British firm Celador International. Disney had requested a new trial following the high-profile case. On Monday, a US appeals court found 'no issues' with the verdict or with the judge's rulings. It also determined that the verdict was not 'grossly excessive or monstrous' and that it was not based on speculation or guesswork. 'I am pleased that justice has been done,' said Chairman of Celador, Paul Smith, in a statement. London-based Celador International began legal proceedings in 2004, claiming Disney was using 'creative accounting' to hide profits from the show, which was a huge hit for ABC television when it was broadcast in the US between August 1999 and May 2002. After a five-week trial in 2010, the jury ordered Disney to pay Celador nearly two hundred and seventy million smackers for breaching its licence agreement. About five million dollars in interest charges was added later. In a statement to The Hollywood Reporter, Disney said they were 'extremely disappointed' with the ruling. One imagines they very much are, having to cough up that amount! 'ABC and Buena Vista Television continue to believe that they fully adhered to the Millionaire agreement,' a spokesperson said. Sadly for them, the judge didn't buy their 'belief.' Time to ring the banker, fellahs. Etiehr that or, you know, 'as a friend.'

The BBC is giving its Red Button service a makeover which it hopes will make the service 'fit for the next generation' of Internet-connected TVs. Connected Red Button will allow viewers with Internet-enabled TVs the chance to watch some channels even if they are off-air and catch up with previous episodes of shows. It will launch initially with Virgin Media's Tivo service. Other Internet-connected TV services will be added over the coming months. The service will offer more streams and clips from sporting events as well as news and weather headlines. Viewers will initially have access to CBBC, CBeebies, BBC3 and BBC4. New functions and features will also be added over time. It is predicted that, by the end of 2016, there will be almost twenty two million Internet-connected TVs installed in the UK, with over half of households having a connectable TV set either directly or via set-top box. The Red Button service was launched thirteen years ago and has often proved most popular during major events such as Glastonbury, Wimbledon and Formula 1, with extra streams and clips. Interest peaked during the summer's Olympic Games where 24.2 million viewers watched up to twenty four live streams and the series finally seemed to have come of age. Daniel Danker, general manager of BBC Programmes and On-Demand said: 'The BBC is seamlessly bringing the Internet together with live TV, while making the technology completely invisible. This is Red Button reinvented, and the beginning of the exciting future of television.'

Ofcom is to investigate the BBC over its treatment of two children after they were made to participate in an eating contest which resulted in one of them retching into a bucket. The eating competition took place on the show Dick and Dom's Hoopla, presented by Richard McCourt and Dominic Wood, which was broadcast on the CBBC channel on 2 November. In the eating competition a young boy and girl were instructed by the presenters to try to drink a blended mix of ingredients including mayonnaise and apple sauce. Each time they were successful the same amount of liquid was mixed into their opponent's glass. The winner was decided by who could drink their pint glass concoction the fastest. The girl was seen retching into a bucket during the competition. Ofcom received a single complaint about the contest and has launched an investigation into whether the BBC took 'due care of the children.' According to section one of the Ofcom broadcasting code the BBC must look after the 'physical and emotional welfare and the dignity of people under eighteen who take part, or are otherwise involved, in programmes.' The code states that the BBC's obligation is 'irrespective of any consent given by the participant or by a parent, guardian or other person over the age of eighteen in loco parentis.' Ofcom is also investigating the show to see whether the competition may have broken rules relating to 'generally accepted content standards.' Under this rule Ofcom will investigate whether the show may have 'caused offence' on grounds such as distress, humiliation and 'violation of human dignity.' Sadly, it won't also be investigating whether it gave offence as 'an insult to people's intelligence.' Although, it probably should. In September Ofcom launched an investigation on similar grounds into The X Factor performance of Alison Brunton, who delivered an embarrassingly risible rendition of Lady Gaga's hit 'The Edge of Glory.' Brunton's children – a fourteen-year-old girl and sixteen-year-old boy – were repeatedly shown looking distressed and humiliated by their mother's appearance on the show. Guest judge Mel B described the audition as 'horrific.' Ofcom has received thirty five complaints about the impact of the audition on Brunton's children, prompting the media regulator to launch an investigation under rules relating to under eighteen-year-olds appearing in TV shows.

Meanwhile, speaking of embarrassing mums, a video showing a mother's furious reaction at Christopher Maloney making it through to The X Factor final was posted on the Internet over the weekend and had, seemingly, gone viral before ti disappeared. Uploaded by one Jordan Murray-Patel, the woman appears to be absolutely disgusted when Maloney's name is read out by Dermot O'Dreary shouting out a number of choice expletives. She is further annoyed by the fact that Union J are eliminated, exclaiming: 'I just voted for them five times!' Well, that was a waste of money, madam. The video has now, tragically, been removed from YouTube. Presumably after young Jordan got a damned good hiding off his, still incandescent with rage, mum.

Turkey's TV watchdog has fined a TV channel for broadcast an episode of The Simpsons which shows God taking orders from the devil. God himself was unavailable for comment. Because he probably doesn't exist (although opinion is, admittedly, divided on the matter). Although, given that fact that he's appeared in the show four times, one might supposed he's, personally, something of a fan. The Supreme Board of Radio and Television said CNBC-e 'insulted religious values' by 'mocking God' and has been fined fifty three thousand lira. It said the episode also showed copies of the Bible being burned and encouraged young people to consume alcohol. CNBC-e has shown The Simpsons in Turkey for almost a decade. The Hurriyet newspaper reported that the episode also showed one character encouraging another to commit murder in the name of God. RTUK has imposed a string of fines for television series deemed to be insulting to God, historical leaders or 'offending family values.' The broadcasting watchdog was ridiculed by Hurriyet columnist Mehmet Yilmaz. 'I wonder what the makers of The Simpsons would say when they hear their jokes are taken literally in a country called Turkey,' wrote Yilmaz. 'Perhaps Homer will get a Muslim neighbour.' Oh, don't tempt them! Last week Prime Minister Tayyip Erdogan tore into a chart-topping soap opera about the Ottoman Empire's longest-reigning Sultan, and RTUK has warned the show's makers about 'insulting a historical figure.' The Simpsons is broadcast in more than one hundred countries and is the longest-running US sitcom, having first aired in 1989. An RTUK spokeswoman said full details would probably follow next week, while CNBC-e said it would comment once the fine was official.

Nine Greggs employees have reportedly been suspended after taking cakes home which were about to be thrown away. The bakery store in New Addington, South London refused to comment on the matter, but one woman complained on the Internet about the sorry affair. 'I was one of those suspended, because I took four cakes home,' she said. 'They had CCTV fitted in and didn't say anything to the staff. If we knew the CCTV was there, we would still take some of the stuff but not so much of it.' Several people voiced their support for the staff, with one stating: 'The thing is, would you like the food to get wasted and just chucked away, or people taking it home and actually eating it? I think it's so stupid and Greggs won't be the same without the proper staff.'

A footballer who photographed himself using a wad of twenty quid notes instead of toilet paper has apologised to fans after the picture was published in the tabloids. West Bromwich Albino defender Liam Ridgewell was photographed with his trousers down in the bathroom of his one and a half million smackers home in Birmingham surrounded by almost a grand in notes. Just to repeat, this is Liam Ridgewell bigging up his horrorshow bling-bling lifestyle and 'considerably more money that yeeew' cocky attitude here, not Lionel Messi. Or Cristiano Ronaldo. Or David Villa. You know, somebody in the game who's actually done something worth bragging about. The footballer told the Sun that he had intended the photograph to merely be 'a private joke' with friends and that he 'regrets any offence' he may have caused once it reached a wider audience. The photograph's publication also angered some of the club's fans, who labelled it 'arrogant and idiotic,' and sparked much ridicule on Twitter. The twenty eight-year-old is reported to earn about twenty grand a week - more, one could note, than many of the supporters who pay his sodding wages earn in a year. Ah, young men with money - they're always a right good laugh. There was further toilet humour antics at West Brom this week when his team-mates draped toilet roll around Ridgewell's locker and posted the picture on Twitter.

And so to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. News flash, from The Clash. Say it ain't so, Joe.

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