Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Bring On The New Messiah

The Statue of Liberty will, reportedly, turn into a Weeping Angel in the new series of Doctor Who. Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later, wasn't it? The iconic New York landmark will feature in the series finale when the Doctor - played, of course, by yer actual Matt Smith and his companions Amy and Rory travel to America to battle a new army of the deadly creatures. The trio, apparently, with 'get a huge shock' when they discover the biggest Weeping Angel - killer statues which spring to life when they are not being watched - of all is the three hundred feet-high Statue of Liberty. 'A huge shock'? I should ruddy-well cocoa. Personally, if confronted with such a kerfuffle this blogger would, like as not, shat in his own pants and run an effing mile. So, probably just as well that Keith Telly Topping is not in the episode in question, in that case. The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat has said: 'There will be a final showdown with the Weeping Angels. Not everyone gets out alive. And I mean it this time!' Yeah. Make of that what you will. The Weeping Angels have previously been voted the show's scariest ever adversaries (in a poll which was utterly meaningless, incidentally) but current Time Lord Matt admits he has a 'soft spot' for them. He said: 'They were the first monsters I worked with and I have a soft spot for them. Weirdly, because they don't really speak, there is something even more ruthless about them.'
Meanwhile yer actual Steven Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other Gods A'fore He) has denied reports that a Doctor Who movie is in development. Last year, the director David Yates went shot his big gob off and got lots of people all discombobulated and very hot under the trousers when he claimed to was 'working' on a film spin-off from the BBC popular long-running family SF drama. However, Moffat after several previous statements where he's sought to clarify the situation, seemingly, to no avail has now, clearly, had enough. He described the proposed film project as 'some weird fantasy. I don't think [Yates] was ever signed to it,' the showrunner told Entertainment Weekly. 'I think he's [expressed] an interest in doing it and he's a very fine director, and I think he'd certainly be someone that would be on the list for directing [for] such a project. I'm a big fan of his. But the project as he describes it would not happen.' Moffat added that he hopes to produce a Doctor Who movie 'someday', but insisted that a proposal for a film reboot - unrelated to the BBC show's continuity - 'did not happen. That whole proposal was not true,' he said. 'I can say that with authority because, as far as the BBC is concerned, I'm the voice of Doctor Who. So if I say it, it's true. The BBC own Doctor Who and, for the moment, I run it for them. So I can assure you definitively that was all nonsense - not the idea of making a film, we'd love to make a film, but the idea of a rebooted continuity, a different Doctor.' The Moffster claimed that rebooting Doctor Who for the big screen would be 'writing the book on how to destroy a franchise. [Any future film] will be absolutely run by the Doctor Who production office in Cardiff,' he explained. 'It will feature the same Doctor as on television. It will not be a rebooted continuity. All of that would be insane.' So, there you have it, dear blog reader. Not happening. As I believe this blogger correctly predicted the first time all this nefarious skulduggery, malarkey, shenanigans and doings first reared their ugly collective head, last year. It's nice to be right.

Ben Elton has reportedly written a new sitcom pilot for BBC1. That'll be worth avoiding.

Yer actual big shouty Gregg Wallace has claimed that Victoria Hervey (no, me neither) was the worst ever Celebrity MasterChef contestant. What's slightly more worrying is that Victoria Hervey (whom this blogger had to look up and, frankly, is still non-the-wiser as to what she actually does to be considered a 'celebrity') was included in a 'celebrity' edition of the show in the first place. Wallace told Heat that the 'model, socialite, aristocrat, and former "It girl"' (at least, according to Wikipedia) wanted to use a shop-bought jar of pesto in her pasta dish. Well, you've almost got to admire her cheek. Not in regard to the pesto but in regard to claiming to be a 'celebrity'. Asked who was the best cook to have featured on the show, Wallace said: 'Since they won it? Lisa Faulkner. At the time of winning? Phil Vickery, closely followed by Nadia Sawalha. The worst was that model, Victoria Hervey. She wanted to make spaghetti and pesto using a jar of pesto.' He added: 'From the series you can expect to see us break down the façade of celeb and turn these people into normal contestants. That, for me, is the thrill of Celebrity MasterChef. If they get through the early stages, they just want it so badly. They stop being celebs and start being MasterChef contestants.' Co-host John Torode said: 'At times we see the best cooking we've ever had, and at other times we see the worst. It's real extremes.'

Britain's efforts to win a medal in the synchronised diving was seen by a peak audience of 6.2m viewers on Monday. Tom Daley and Peter Waterfield, who lead the field after the first few dives, eventually finished in fourth place and just missed out on a bronze. BBC1 attracted an average audience of 3.82m between 1.45pm and 4pm, while the channel managed a peak-time audience share of fifty two per cent. From 4pm, Britain's unexpected (be, very well deserved) bronze in the mens' gymnastics was witnessed by 4.83m, before 6.37m watched swimming from the Aquatics Centre during the evening show from 7:30pm. Zara Phillips's involvement in the cross-country stage of the equestrian competition pulled in 1.7m royalists between 11.45am and 1pm. Some 2.17m tuned-in for rowing from 9am. Olympic Breakfast (1.54m) and Olympics Tonight (2.34m) continued to pick up solid figures at 6am and 10.35pm respectively. BBC3's wall-to-wall coverage continued to muster a strong set of ratings, with 1.03m from 2pm and 1.15m between 7pm and 11pm watching coverage of the gymnastics and the hockey.

Meanwhile, the first episode of EastEnders to be broadcast on BBC2 on Monday night, averaged 5.7m viewers with a peak of 6.1m.

London 2012 is just a few days old but, already the event is a record breaker for the BBC, after the BBC Sport website saw huge web traffic at the weekend and there were 1.7m iPlayer requests for the BBC's coverage of the Opening Ceremony. Released on Monday, BBC Online's first stats for its Olympic coverage revealed that BBC Sport attracted 7.8m global browsers on Saturday, a worldwide record for the day, and 5.6m browsers in the UK. The following day, the BBC Sport site attracted 8.3m global browsers and 6.1m British browsers - both a UK and global record. The BBC announced on Friday that its BBC Olympics mobile app had generated five hundred thousand downloads on iPhone and Android, but that more than doubled over the weekend to 1.15m. On Saturday, fifty five per cent of browsers to the BBC Sport site came from non-desktop devices, such as smartphones and tablets, said the BBC. Danny Boyle's acclaimed celebration of British history in the London 2012 Opening Ceremony attracted a television audience with a peak of almost twenty seven million viewers on Friday, beating the amount that tuned-in for last year's royal wedding. In fact, the only people who didn't enjoy it were a whinging right-wing shit-scum MP, some slaphead berk of no consequence in the Torygraph and, Rupert Murdoch. So, that's a collective you really want to belong to, isn't it? However, the spectacle also racked up 1.7m requests on BBC iPlayer, including nine hundred and twenty five thousand on Saturday alone - a record for a single day on the BBC's catch up TV platform.

Chinese gold medallist swimmer Ye Shiwen, aged sixteen, has denied taking drugs to enhance her performance, saying there was 'no problem with doping.' A US coach had earlier said Ye's record-breaking performance in Saturday's four hundred metres individual medley was 'disturbing.' Which is, apparently, American for 'I'm a sore loser.' if you've got any proof that she's taking drugs, pal, present it. Otherwise, shut the fuck up and take your team's beating like a man, you sound ridiculous. Christ, some people are just scum. Elsewhere, police are currently investigating an offensive tweet sent to diver Tom Daley about his late father. Dorset Police are looking into a Twitter message sent to Daley after he failed to win a medal in the synchronised diving event. A seventeen year old from Weymouth has, reportedly, been arrested in connection with this. The tweet is said to have made reference to Tom's father, who sadly died of cancer in May last year. This blogger repeats, some people, it seems, are simply scum. Also, Lithuanian fifteen-year-old Ruta Meilutyte - who goes to school in Plymouth - won her country's first-ever Olympic gold in the swimming pool in the women's one hundred metres breaststroke. And, there was some right kerfuffle at the fencing (yeah, the fencing). Ukrainian fencer Yama Shemayakina won epee gold but the headlines were grabbed by Shin A Lam. The South Korean forced a lengthy delay to competition after breaking down in tears following her semi-final loss to German Britta Heidemann. Shin looked to have beaten Heidemann only for the clock to be reset with one second remaining of sudden death. Heidemann then managed to score a decisive hit for a six-five win. The result angered the South Korean camp, who appealed. But their protests were ignored and Shin's coach was eventually escorted from the arena. 'I don't really know how to express the way I feel right now,' said Shin. 'I've been trying and working to get an Olympic medal for four years. Now I lost it in just one second. It's just impossible to accept.' What was that about it not being the winning that's important but the taking part?

David Cameron has urged overseas investors to back the UK's art, film, television, music and literature. Well, it might be an idea if your government did likewise, pal. The oily prime minister (and drag) told an audience including the Duchess of Cambridge that 'now is the time' to support the creative industries. He added that the Olympic opening ceremony had shown the country's 'incredible' talent, adding that many stars of Hollywood films were British. The reception was part of the GREAT campaign, to showcase the arts. It took place at the Royal Academy of Arts in London, was also attended by the lack of culture secretary (and bell-end hurler) the vile and odious rascal Hunt and Apple designer Sir Jonathan Ive. In his speech, Cameron said: 'I think a very simple message today is that if you are involved in the creative industries, now is the time to come and invest in Britain. I think you can see that from the people who are in the room tonight. You can see it from that incredible opening ceremony that Danny Boyle and Stephen Daldry and others produced. Also, I think you can see it in some of the extraordinary facts about the creativity of British art, television, music, drama, literature and cultural industries.' Cameron added: 'Not many people know this but, if you want superstars, of course all the big actors currently playing Batman, Spiderman or Superman are all actually British.' Yeah. I think you'll actually find lots of people knew that long before you did, Dave. 'If it's storytelling you are after, three of the best movie franchises of all time - Bond, Lord Of The Rings and Harry Potter - are all British. If it's music you're after, of course Adele had the bestselling album this year. If it's television you're after, you need look no further than the fact that the president of the United States' favourite TV programme is overwhelmingly starring British actors, in of course Homeland.'

British actress Polly Walker is set to join the cast of CBS drama The Mentalist, starring Simon Baker, for its fifth season. CBS has announced a raft of new cast additions and guest stars for several of its shows on Sunday during the TCA Press Tour. Amongst the names revealed as cropping up in some of its shows was Walker who will join The Mentalist in a recurring role. She will play FBI Agent Alexa Schultz a 'beautiful alpha female with a quick-witted personality,' it says here. The actress was most recently seen in BBC1's critically acclaimed drama Prisoners' Wives but will probably be most familiar to American audiences for her role of the scheming Atia of the Juli in HBO and the BBC's lavish co-production Rome. Polly'ss other notable roles include Sister Clarice Willow in Battlestar Galactica prequel Caprica, the put-upon Anne Collins in State of Play and Ranna in Sanctuary. The actress will not be the only addition to The Mentalist for its fifth season. Former Charmed actor Ivan Sergei will recur as FBI agent Gabe Mancini while Jim O'Heir will guest star in the season premier.

Newsnight host Jeremy Paxman caused 'unintentional offence' when referring to those who believe in the Old Testament as 'stupid', the BBC Trust has ruled. Which proves two things. Firstly that the BBC Trust are back to their old trick of displaying rank and despicable spineless cowardice in the face of criticism from arseholes. And, secondly, that they also don't know their arse from their elbow since whether he was right or wrong to do it - and personally, this blogger couldn't give a stuff one way or t'other, that's what you get in a society where we have freedom of speech - it's clear that Paxo did intend to offend, intentionally, some narrow-minded Godbotheres. And, very satisfyingly, he succeeded. During a interview with atheist author Richard Dawkins - a prick of quite towering proportions, this blogger wants to add that at this juncture just in case anyone thinks this is a one-sided bit of bashing - the presenter also used the term 'religious hogwash' when introducing the story of Genesis. That's Genesis the book of the bible, rather than Genesis the turgid hippie rockers, to whom the term hogwash would have been entirely acceptable. Sorry, but it's The Law. A single complainant - who, clearly, had nothing more important to do with his or her time - also accused Paxman of 'bias' against religious belief. The Trust's editorial standards committee did not agree with this and also ruled that he was 'not deliberately offensive.' But, it recognised that 'some' viewers - glakes, mainly - 'were unlikely to have expected Jeremy Paxman's typically robust and confrontational interviewing style to extend to the use of the terms "religious hogwash" and "stupid people."' In which case 'some viewers' should frigging well get over themselves, we live in the Twenty First Century not the Fifteenth. Whether God exists or doesn't - and, as noted at this side of this page, this blogger is entirely open to extreme possibilities in either direction on that score - is a matter for personal faith and the idea that ones own personal faith can be damaged by a withering bit of sarcasm from Jezza Paxman suggests that the faith being damaged wasn't very strong to begin with. The committee said it 'regretted' the offence caused to some viewers by the use of the terms in question on the programme, broadcast on BBC2 on 13 September 2011. Cowards. Utter, utter, spineless wretched waste-of-space cowards. The committee said it did not believe the Newsnight item was biased but partly upheld the complaint regarding offence. In a separate case, the BBC's economics editor was found not to have been biased when she said London's finance services accounted for 'a tiny fraction' of the UK economy. But the BBC Trust did rule that 'due accuracy' had not been achieved in Stephanie Flanders' report on 9 December. For punishment, she had to go an sit next to Jezza in the naughty corner.

A thirty seven-year-old Sun journalist has been arrested by Metropolitan police detectives investigating alleged criminal breaches of privacy, as gleefully reported by the Gruniad Morning Star. The man was arrested on Tuesday morning on suspicion of handling stolen goods. A News International spokeswoman confirmed that he was a Sun journalist. He becomes the ninth person held by Scotland Yard's Operation Tuleta investigation and the third journalist held on suspicion of handling stolen goods. The Metropolitan police said in a statement: 'The arrest relates to a suspected conspiracy involving the gathering of data from stolen mobile phones and is not about seeking journalists to reveal confidential sources in relation to information that has been obtained legitimately.' The man was arrested by appointment at an East London police station, Scotland Yard said. On Monday the Sun's chief foreign correspondent, Nick Parker, was arrested on suspicion of handling stolen goods, and the paper's news reporter Rhodri Phillips was held earlier this month on the same grounds. Operation Tuleta is the Met investigation into alleged computer hacking and other criminal breaches of privacy not covered by the two other parallel probes, Operation Weeting, into phone-hacking, and Operation Elveden, into illegal payments to public officials.

Tour De France winner Bradley Wiggins has had his Olympic training kit stolen from a Surrey hotel being used as a base for the British cycling team. In a message on Twitter on Sunday, he said: 'Watch your kit at the Foxhills spa, there is a tea leaf about.' The Foxhills hotel, in Ottershaw, said that The Wiggster had 'left it unattended' on the men's locker room changing room benches while using the sauna and shower facilities. It claimed that 'cycling fever' was to blame for the loss of the lycra rather than, you know, theft. Wiggins had returned to the hotel following a practice session ahead of Wednesday's London 2012 road cycling time trial races. In a statement, Foxhills said that he had arrived at the health spa at 12:45 on Sunday to use the gym and spa facility. 'Upon returning back to the locker room it seems that cycling fever has well and truly hit the Surrey club as the Official Team GB training lycra were nowhere to be seen. It seems an over-zealous fan has scored a fantastic London 2012 souvenir.' Wiggins later tweeted: 'Gotta delete tweet Re the thief, bad PR, never mind my kit though!' Quite right.

The BBC has confirmed that it will broadcast the interview that yer actual Cheryl Cole was alleged to have walked out of. The Heaton Horror vehemently denied reports in the press that she left a 'daft' Q&A with a BBC Team at Capital FM's Summertime Ball last month. 'I have never walked out of an interview in my career,' she wrote at the time. 'I had to be reminded of what your even referring to. Stop telling lies.' However, the BBC has now released a trailer for the allegedly 'satirical' series The Revolution Will Be Televised - which, this blogger must say, looks about as as funny as testicular discomfort - which includes footage of Jolyon Rubinstein interviewing Cole under the guise of BBCOMGWTF reporter Zam Zmith. Usher, Dizzee Rascal, The Wanted, Conor Maynard and Lawson are also shown being asked various left-field questions by Rubinstein, including, 'What is the meaning of life?', 'What happens when we die?' and, 'What would you do about the current crisis of austerity?' Presumably, this horrorshow was commissioned by the same person who thought The Mighty Boosch was. like, the funniest thing that, like, they'd ever seen in the world, bar none.

The high court has maintained the anonymity of several sporting-type people and public figures even though their privacy injunctions have been lifted. Newspapers will still be prevented from naming eight people who took out gagging orders against News International, the publisher of the Sun, last year to prevent details of their private life from being made public. In a ruling handed down at the high court on Monday, Mr Justice Tugendhat said the original injunctions would be undermined if newspapers were now allowed to name those behind them. At least five of the injunctions were brought to prevent newspapers from publishing allegations of alleged extramarital affairs. They were brought separately by two footballers, another well-known sportsman, a man 'in the entertainment industry' (which, really, sound like a euphemism for something else entirely, doesn't it?) and the former RBS chief executive Fred Goodwin. Who, seemingly, can be named. Tugendhat said in his judgment: 'The fact that the various injunctions granted in these actions have been discharged does not mean that it would be lawful for anyone to publish the information, disclosure of which had been prohibited by those injunctions.' He added: 'In my judgment it is necessary for the anonymity orders to remain in force for the reasons submitted on behalf of the claimants.' News International has signed a consent order agreeing not to name the eight people. Or, seven of them, anyway. The newspaper group said it 'no longer had any intention' of publishing the private information. Three of the injunctions that have been lifted relate to footballers and another sportsman – identified in court only as JIH, MJN and TSE – who sought gagging orders to prevent details of alleged extramarital affairs being published by the Sun. A man working in the entertainment industry, identified in court under the acronym ETK, brought his order to prevent the Scum of the World from publishing allegations of an extramarital affair with a colleague. Goodwin, the former RBS boss, has his injunction partially lifted in May 2011 when details of his private life were made public in the House of Lords. On Monday, Tugendhat said that the anonymity of another person in that injunction, identified only as VBN, must be preserved. Another injunction lifted on Monday was brought by XJA, described in court only as 'a well-known person' who took legal action in December 2010 to prevent the publication of material that 'would seriously affect the harmony of his family.' The eighth case refers to a person named only as NOM, whose applications for an anonymity order have previously been heard in private.

A staff writer for the New Yorker has resigned after he admitted to inventing quotes by Bob Dylan in a recent book. Ooo, naughty. Mind you, that should be enough to get him a job on the Daily Lies or the Sun, they use made-up quotes from unattributed sources all the time. Jonah Lehrer acknowledged in a statement from his book publisher that some quotes he used 'did not exist,' and others were misquoted. The resignation came after the online magazine Tablet wrote an in-depth, snitchy, but well-researched - piece on the quotations used in Imagine: How Creativity Works. Shipments of the book, which was published in March, have been halted. The e-book version has been delisted. Houghton Mifflin, the publisher, said Lehrer had committed a 'serious misuse.' Lehrer was already somewhat out of favour at the New Yorker, which is known for its thorough fact-checking, after he admitted last month to having recycled passages for the magazine that he had written for previous publications. Gotta say, as somebody who does that all the time, if that was the worst of his crimes then I'd be defending the chap. But, it isn't. His admission came after Michael Moynihan of the Tablet contacted him about the quotes. 'I told Mr Moynihan that [the quotes] were from archival interview footage provided to me by Dylan's representatives,' he said. 'This was a lie spoken in a moment of panic. The lies are over now. I understand the gravity of my position. I want to apologise to everyone I have let down, especially my editors and readers.' Well, not to mention Bob himself, mate. I'd've said he's the one you owe the biggest apology to, pal, sod your editors. Among the quotes that were called into question was one that first appeared in the legendary 1960s documentary of Dylan's first British tour, Don't Look Back. When asked about his songs, Dylan says 'I just write them. There's no great message.' In his book, Lehrer added a third sentence - 'Stop asking me to explain' - which does not appear in the film. According to Tablet, Lehrer had also invented Dylan quotes about the song 'Like A Rolling Stone'. When confronted with the lack of attribution, Lehrer said he had been granted access to an unedited version of No Direction Home, an award-winning Arena documentary about Dylan by Martin Scorsese. He has now admitted that he never saw such footage. 'This is a terrifically sad situation,' New Yorker editor David Remnick said in a statement. 'But, in the end, what is most important is the integrity of what we publish and what we stand for.' Sales of Lehrer's book have been respectable before the scandal brought it all crashing down. Whether those who'd already bought it will get a refund is, at the present time, unclear. Although, personally, if I was them I'd be tempted to hand onto it, it might well be a collectors item in years to come.

Hundreds of millions of people have been left without electricity in Northern and Eastern India after a massive power breakdown. More than half the country has been left without power after three grids collapsed - one for a second day. Hundreds of trains have come to a standstill and hospitals are running on back-up generators. The country's power minister has blamed the crisis on states drawing too much power from the national grid. The breakdowns in the Northern, Eastern, and North-Eastern grids mean around six hundred million people have been affected in twenty of India's states. In a statement on national TV on Tuesday evening (which, of course, those affected couldn't actually see or hear because they've got no electricity !), 'Power Minister' Sushil Kumar Shinde said he had appealed to states to stop trying to take more than their quota of power. Well, he is the Power Minister after all, it would seem to be his department. What a great job title Power Minister is. I'd love to be Power Minister. 'I have also instructed my officials to penalise the states which overdraw from the grid,' he said. Shinde said the North-Eastern grid was fully up and running, forty five per cent of the Northern grid had been restored and thirty five per cent of the Eastern grid. Also on Tuesday it was announced that Shinde had been promoted to the post of Home Minister, in a widely anticipated cabinet reshuffle. Aw. I'll bet he preferred being Power Minister. In Delhi, Metro services were halted and staff evacuated trains. Many traffic lights are also not operating in Delhi, leading to massive traffic jams. In Eastern India, around two hundred miners were trapped underground as lifts failed, but officials later said an operation had begun to get them out. 'All of them cannot be pulled out together. It is a very slow process,' Eastern Coalfields general manager Niladri Roy told the AFP news agency. He said that the miners were 'all safe' and would be 'home for dinner.' except, of course, if they've got an electric oven in which case, don't get yer hopes up for anything hot, lads. The failure on the Northern grid on Monday also caused severe disruption and travel chaos across Northern India. One shopworker in Delhi, Anu Chopra, said: 'I can understand this happening once in a while but how can one allow such a thing to happen two days in a row? It just shows our infrastructure is in a complete mess. There is no transparency and no accountability whatsoever.' I'd get on to the Power Minister if I were you, love. He's the chap with the power. Addressing a news conference on Tuesday, the chairman of the Power Grid Corporation of India told reporters that he anticipated power being restored by 19:00. 'Our message to people is that they are in safe hands, we have been in the job for years,' RN Nayak said. The exact cause of the power cut was unclear, he said, but that it appeared to be due to the 'interconnection of grids. We have to see why there was a sudden increase in load. We will make sure that such a situation is not repeated,' he said. After Monday's cut, engineers managed to restore electricity to the Northern grid by the evening, but at 13:05 on Tuesday, it collapsed again. The Eastern grid failed around the same time, officials said, followed by the North-Eastern grid. Areas affected include Delhi, Punjab, Haryana, Uttar Pradesh, Himachal Pradesh and Rajasthan in the North, and West Bengal, Bihar, Orissa and Jharkhand in the East. Smriti Mehra, who works at the Bank Of India in Delhi, said it had to turn customers away. 'There is no Internet, nothing is working. It is a total breakdown of everything in our office,' she told AFP. Mind you, one spin-off effect has been the lack of phone calls to home owners in the Uk from someone with a suspiciously Indian-sounding accent but a name like 'Steve' who claims to be ringing from 'Windows Support' to tell them that they computer is at risk. Across West Bengal, power went at 13:00 and all suburban railway trains on the Eastern railways ground to a halt from Howrah and Seladah stations, the BBC's Rahul Tandon reported from Calcutta. However, the city is not badly affected as it is served by a private electricity board. Power cuts are common in Indian cities because of a fundamental shortage of power and an ageing grid - the chaos caused by such cuts has led to protests and unrest on the streets in the past. Especially when there's an important IPL game in progress when the telly went off. But the collapse of an entire grid is rare - the last time the northern grid failed was in 2001. India's demand for electricity has soared in recent years as its economy has grown but its power infrastructure has been unable to meet the growing needs. Correspondents say unless there is a huge investment in the power sector, the country will see many more power failures.

According to the BBC, West Hampsters have agreed a loan deal with Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws that would see Andy Carroll move to Upton Park – but the striker will do his best to resist the move, according to the Guardian. And, West Hampsters themselves have denied doing any such thing according to various other reports. The deal is said to involve the Hammers handing over two million quid in return for taking the England centre-forward on loan for the coming season. But they must then hand over another seventeen million notes to make the deal permanent if they're still in the Premier League at the end of the season. The arrangement would reunite twenty three-year-old Carroll with West Ham manager Sam Allardyce, who was - briefly - his boss of Newcastle. But the Gruniad Morning Star reports that Carroll will 'resist' the move because he prefers a return to Newcastle, the club whom he left for Anfield in a thirty five million knicker deal eighteen months ago.

Carroll's former team-mate Joey Barton, meanwhile, has threatened to sue national newspaper the Daily Lies. The controversial footballer posted a series of messages on Tuesday on Twitter in response to an article from the publication suggesting that he is worried about having gained weight since the end of the football season. 'What a load of balderdash in today's Daily Star,' Barton said. 'Not my style but because u [sic] have quoted me and it's complete lies. I'll have to sue. Thanks. Unless of course the co-editor comes out wearing a clown suit and public [sic] accepts the fact she's a BAD liar.' Yeah, like that's going to happen. This blogger is still waiting for the Lies to acknowledge that their 2003 story about pop wannabe Holly Valance being 'in talks' to replace Sarah Michelle Gellar in Buffy The Vampire Slayer was a load of old cock and bull malarkey. Barton added: 'The fact they had they audacity to call me a "plonker" as well,' continued Barton. 'Quite funny how bad of a firm of liars they are. How do they think that absolute lies in this day and age, are going to be accepted? Are they that stupid? Appears they are.' Good question, Joe. We'll get back to you on that one when we have an answer. 'Their lie is not to call me a "plonker" plonkers, that's just an opinion, the real lies are in the rest of the article and its made up quotes.'

Dear blog readers may recall that the Daily Lies also has something a history for its dramatic front-page headlines involving Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads. (Remember Telly King Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads is dead from June last year?) Tuesday's Lies also pushes the boat out: Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads's secret Big Bro sex romps, screamed the headline, leading any ordinary reader to wonder whether a) they've missed Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads's stint in the Big Brother house and b) how Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads's 'secret Big Bro sex romps' have only just come to light. Alas, the story explains that someone you've never heard of who claims to be Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads's ex-partner will go on Celebrity Big Brother in August. We're reminded of Lies editor Dawn Neesom's trip before the beak at the Leveson inquiry in January when she was questioned of the earlier Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads splash. She said: 'Um ... it's dramatic. Eye-catching.' And mendacious bollocks, Dawn?

Meanwhile, speaking of odious newspaper lies, unfunny lard bucket (and drag) James Corden has denied tabloid reports that he is planning to write more episodes of Gavin & Stacey. Which is, of course, the best news we've heard all week. Corden was, allegedly 'quoted' by the Daily Scum Mail as saying that he 'definitely' plans to revive the bafflingly popular BBC comedy. This blog reported on this very sad news on Monday. However, Corden wrote on his official Twitter account: 'Getting loads of messages about a Gavin & Stacey special. I'm sorry to say there are no plans right now I'm afraid, but maybe one day!' A, little sting in the tail there. Still, it would appear that if Corden is telling the truth - and we have no reason to doubt the veracity of his comments - then the 'quotes' attributed to him by the Daily Scum Mail were, in fact, of the same variety as the Daily Lies use on, according to Joey Barton, 'a daily basis.' Wonder if Jonah Lehrer fancies a job there?

The Only Way is Essex 'stars' (or, you know, 'the people who appear in it', anyway) are, reportedly, facing the tin-tack following recent walkouts. Several cast members of the ITV2 series were recently said to have 'walked out' of filming after complaining about low pay and long working hours. However, producers have now allegedly sent out a warning letter to those cast members telling them that they may be axed if they keep halting production. Although, sadly, not with an actual axe. 'Bosses aren't prepared to take any nonsense,' an alleged 'insider' allegedly told the Sun. 'They know some cast members have been complaining about long hours and low pay, but have told them to stop whingeing and get on with it. Producers are particularly annoyed about time-keeping and the way some of them treat production staff. The stars have been told they have to start arriving on time and must be respectful to the crew.' The alleged 'source' allegedly added: 'They have been told nobody is bigger than the show - and if they don't like it they should leave as there are loads of people who'd replace them in a heartbeat. Even though the cast only get paid eighty pounds a day, they earn thousands from personal appearances and deals they wouldn't get if they weren't on the show, so producers feel in a strong position.'

And, so to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. This is for everybody who got excited by the dressage. Always loved Anton Corbijn's 'wacky' video for this one.

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