Thursday, May 26, 2011

Career Opportunities The Ones That Never Knock. Like.

Just in case you've recently returned from living in a cave (on Mars) and haven't heard - because, let's face it, there seems to have been no other news in the world worth reporting over the last twenty four hours - Cheryl Cole has been given the old tin-tack from the US version X Factor. 'Axed' according to Hello magazine. And, the Gruniad. And the Winnipeg Free Press. And the Daily Record. 'Forced out' according to the Torygraph. 'Sacked' in the words of the Mirra. And the NME. 'Sensationally SACKED' and 'FIRED' according to the Daily Scum Mail. And handbag. 'Dropped' in the words of the BBC. 'Replaced' according to Wales Online. And Sky News. And Entertainment Weekly. And Grazia. And Digital Spy. 'Ditched' according to the Belfast Telegraph. So, forget Libya, forget Preisdent Obama's European tour, forget Ryan Giggs and John Hemming and Imogen Thomas and Twitter, forget Ratko Mladic and the first test against Sri Lanka,  this - it would seem - is the only news that's worth reporting in Britain today. 'Binned' in the words of ITN. 'Dramatically replaced' according to the Sun. 'Dumped' according to the Herald Sun. And the Los Angeles Times. Oh dear. Oh, deary deary dear. How very, very, very, very sad. Never mind.

And, speaking of - hopefully soon-to-be - unemployed Geordies, after just one episode, the cast of Geordie Shore have already managed to anger many Newcastle natives. At least according to the Daily Scum Mail who declare: 'Locals are believed to be up in arms after the show made its debut on Tuesday night in which cast members were seen stripping off, vomiting and getting drunk.' And, for once, the Daily Scum Mail is absolutely correct. Although, as previously noted, that's not so special, even a broken clock is right twice a day. 'More than twenty three thousand people have joined a Facebook page - called R.I.P Geordie Prise [sic] - slamming the show and the cast,' the Scum Mail suggests. And, according to the Sun, around four thousand people people have also signed a petition 'calling for the show to be axed from MTV' and 'deploring the activities' of a bunch of young people who seem to spend the majority of their time strutting around the Quayside bragging about how 'totally pure-mad mint' they believe themselves to be. Like. However, MTV is said to be 'happy' at the show's first night success after it pulled in three hundred and thirty thousand viewers, the station's largest audience in three years. How many of those sad crushed voyeuristic victims of society will be watching next week's turgid excuse for 'entertainment' remains to be seen, of course. During Tuesday night's episode, cast member Holly Hagan was seen showing off her ample breasts to her male housemates in a hot tub, before Jay Gardner drank from a bottle of beer strategicallhy placed in her cleavage. Holly - from Thornaby and, therefore, about as 'Geordie' as the Queen of Belgium - later slept with Gary Beadle, twenty three, even though she has a boyfriend, and twenty one-year-old Sophie Kasaei was seen throwing up copous amounts of rich brown spew after her 'boozy neet oot on the lash, like.' But, their antics left many Tynesiders with an equally bad taste in their mouths as they took to the Facebook page to express their impotent fury. The page itself proclaims: 'After this, we can no longer be proud to have a Geordie accent after these idiots embarrass us all on national television.' Well, on MTV anyway. One Stu Blackburn wrote: 'This show makes me embarrassed to be from the North-East. R.I.P the Geordie nation. We'll always love you.' Lisa Justice added: 'Biggest pile of tripe I've ever seen! Would rather stick pins in me eyes than watch it again, like!' Purely-belter, Lisa, pet. Sweet as. Whilst broadcasting watchdog Ofcom confirmed to the tabloids that it had received complaints about the outlandish nature of the programme, it is 'unlikely' officials will do anything to curb it because no codes of practice have been breached. Other, of course, than the unwritten human codes of dignity and intelligence insulting.

There's really only one suitable Keith Telly Topping's 33 of the Day after all that. See you doon the Job Centre on Monday, Cher. 'Do y'wanna make tea at the BBC?'

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