Saturday, May 15, 2010

Week Twenty One: Finals Weekend

We'll start today with the first in a new semi-regular feature, Huntwatch: Jeremy Hunt, the new minister responsible for the Olympics, has courted controversy on his very first day in office by saying that the budget for London 2012 was 'not protected,' prompting a warning from Boris Johnson, the London mayor, that any cuts in funding would be 'a mistake.' Yer Keith Telly Topping had a funny feeling it was only going to be a matter of time before this nasty little man managed to pissed off even people of his own party, let alone everyone else. The seven-page coalition agreement between the Liberal Democrats and the Conservative party, published this week, includes a - welcome - promise to reform the UK's libel law, but there is nothing about repealing the controversial Digital Economy Act, which was rushed into law by Labour in the last days of the previous parliament – a move criticised by both coalition parties while in opposition. The Gruniad Morning Star also notes that the coalition statement includes a plan to extend the scope of the Freedom Of Information Act, which - vaguely - resembles the Conservatives' promise to include taxpayer-funded bodies such as Northern Rock and Network Rail in the regime, but nothing about any wider review of media ownership laws or changes to regulator Ofcom. Political insiders, the newspaper claims, maintain that the Conservatives will have to forgo some of their more radical plans for the media industry, to allay the fears of their new partners about their intentions towards the BBC and, instead, to concentrate over the coming months on legislation to cut public spending and reduce the deficit. There is no mention of the BBC at all in the coalition manifesto. Which might be a good thing or might not. Time will tell. As for which is Dangerous Jeremy's favourite TV show, I wouldn't even like to hazard a guess. One thing yer Keith Telly Topping really did enjoy about the aftermath of the election was the way in which, for a just a couple of hours, the first Green MP - Caroline Lucas - seemed to be on the cusp of having a potentially very important role to play in any Lib-Lab-Rainbow coalition. BBC News were interviewing her, Sky News had her on, she was making big policy statements about how this was a chance to change, forever, our 'rotten' system of government (the same rotten system, incidentally, that had just gotten her elected) and all that. Everybody, it seems, wanted to hear her views on just about any subject she wished to talk about. A new dawn had broken, had it not? And then, just as suddenly as she'd been thrust spectacularly into the limelight, the Lib-Dems decided to go with the Tories and, in an instant, she was an utter irrelevance again. A lone - beardy, sandal wearing - voice in among six hundred and thirty others; no more of a potential mover or shaker than Dennis Skinner. I'm sure she'll be a very good constituency MP, of course but, for now, her chances of being anything more than that are - like many of the causes she stands for - somewhat dwarfed by other considerations. Bless.

There's a very good piece on the BBC News website about the role of blogs in the election. Yer Keith Telly Topping would just like to confirm, here and now, in front of witnesses, that From The North had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the eventual result. Except, possibly, losing Nick Brown a few votes in Newcastle East by stating that yer Keith Telly Topping was, probably, going to be voting for him. Meanwhile, government web activity was frozen during the general election campaign but now that the new coalition Lib-Dem-Conservative government is taking shape it has, apparently, exploded into frenetic life. Mouse-wielding civil servants across Whitehall are engaged in a frantic rush to archive old pages full of defunct policies and pen portraits of now departed Labour ministers and to replace them with shiny new web pages that reflect the priorities and personalities of their new political masters. Many of the main departmental sites are currently carrying this warning on their home page: 'Content on this site is under review following the formation of a new government.' Others, such as the Department of Communities and Local Government, are stripped back to the bare essentials. There are pictures and videos of David Cameron and Nick Clegg everywhere on the Downing Street website. It is difficult to find any images of Gordon Brown and the site's search engine has also been temporarily disabled while old content is archived, to stop people searching for them. But Mr Brown's biography has been added to the list of 'Prime Ministers in history.' It's a dirty rotten business suddenly becoming yesterday's man, isn't it Gord?

So, dear blog reader, before I pass into history myself, here's yer next lot of Top Telly Tips :

Friday 21 May
It's the one we've all been waiting for as Ashes to Ashes - 9:00 BBC1 - reaches its conclusion. Tension mounts in the final episode of the police drama-Telefantasy gestalt as DCI Gene Hunt and his team are investigating a diamond heist following the murder of three London gang members. But Alex Drake is distracted and, with encouragement from sly and villainous Jim Keats, she decides to pursue her own investigation to the bitter end. To find out the true that would,truly, shock a nation - did Gene Hunt murder Sam Tyler? It is time for Alex and the rest of the team to learn the truth about Gene and the world in which they inhabit... Will this episode answer all of the questions posed by the series, and its predecessor, Life on Mars? Will Shaz and Chris end up together? Will Ray find true happiness with his own reflection? Will Alex ever get home to Molly? What's the significance of Chris hearing Nelson's voice? Or, the disappearing chap in last week's episode? Or, the copper with half-a-face that Alex keeps dreaming about? Or, the stars? These questions and many others may be answered (though, I wouldn't bet on it). But, even if they're not, quit your whinging and just enjoy the final hour of what's been a genuinely landmark TV show as it finds its ways to a conclusion of sorts. It's been quite a ride.

In Marco's Kitchen Burnout - 9:00 ITV - Marco Pierre White trains a group of Z-list celebrities to run a professional kitchen. In the second semi-final, Elen Rives, Donna Air, Russell Grant and Debra Stephenson compete for a 'coveted' place in the final. After diners have scored their meals, Marco decides who goes through to the last round and who crashes out of the competition. All this comes in the very week that Marco has admitted he wasn't aware of what many of the celebrities on Kitchen Burnout did to justify their existence. 'I don't recognise half of the celebrities,' he said. 'And that is the honest truth for the simple reason that I'm not seen in public - I don't do parties, I don't do events, I don't watch TV, I don't read newspapers... but I like cooking at home, it's nice.'

Saturday 22 May
Amy and Rory are about to be introduced to something nasty from the Doctor's past in Doctor Who - 6:15 BBC1. This episode - the first of a two-part written by Chris Chibnall - is called The Hungry Earth and involves the most ambitious drilling project ever which is just about to reach far below the Earth's crust. But the ground, it would seem, is determined to fight back. And beneath the ground lies The Silurians. Hopefully, this time around they look just a smidgen less like 'a bunch of fat men in rubber suits' than they did in either 1970 and 1984 when Jon Pertwee and Peter Davison tried hard to keep a straight face whilst acting opposite them. Bring back The Ice Warriors, at least they had that cool 'hissing voice' thing going for them. Guest stars for this one include Meera Syal and Robert Pugh.

It's the grand final of Over the Rainbow tonight at 7:00 BBC1. At sodding last. And, for one lucky girl, her life will change forever. Host Graham Norton concludes the search to cast Dorothy in what is promised to a spectacular series finale. But, since we were promised a spectacular series that would have millions of viewers on the edge of their seats of many weeks, I'm not taking that bold claim on trust and I'd advise you not to either, dear blog reader. Just three girls remain, all with their eyes fixed on the prize of a lifetime - a pair a sweaty red slippers hanging from crazed messianic cult-leader (and dwarf) Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's Shoe-Tree Of Despair. The viewers, alone, will decide who takes on the coveted role of Dorothy. In the first of two episodes, the girl with the least viewer votes leaves the show - in all likelihood in flood of tears - to almost certain instant anonymity and a probable future working on the tills at Morrison's. This leaves a nail-biting results extravaganza as the two remaining finalists go head-to-head. Personally, I think they should sort it out 'the traditional way,' bare-breasted mud-wrestling. But then, I think that's how General Elections and FA Cup finals should also be decided, so what do I know?

Speaking of grand finals - and this one actually does just about qualify - Jose Mourinho will be out to prove he really is The Special One as his crack Inter Milan squad take on a somewhat depleted Bayern Munich in the Champions League Final at 7:00 on ITV. Madrid is the setting for what promises to be a fascinating night of European football between two teams managed by two of the continents most respected and self-assured coaches. With victories over Chelsea and Barcelona, Mourinho has already established Inter as the team to beat. But Bayern boss, Louis Van Gaal, has seen his side end the hopes of Manchester United and will believes his team have enough to silence the Italians. Presented by Matt Smith (no, the other one) and, God help us, Andy Townsend, with commentary by Clive Tyldesley and Jim Beglin.

Sunday 23 May
Britain's Got Talent - 8:00 ITV - moves to Sunday this week because of the fitba. I'll bet that puts a scowl in Cowell. The auditions continue and Simon, the oily twat and the Big Top failure see more of the thousands of hopeless acts all desperate to win the life-changing prize of ... oh God, life's too short for this.

There's another Roman-themed episode of Time Team - 5:30 Channel 4 - which this week comes from the lovely West Country surroundings Cunetio in Wiltshire. The team visit the heart of Roman Britain for one of their most ambitious projects ever: to investigate an entire lost Roman town. In the 1970s Phil Harding - when he looked even more like Noddy Big Hat from Slade - discovered a pot containing fifty five thousand Roman coins, and now, thirty years later, he's back - dragging along Tony and pals - to re-excavate the site. Hampered by driving rain, the archaeologists battle to make sense of trenches that contain hundreds of years' worth of history. So, as normal Time Team episode, then. John and Geophys boys will complain it's 'the wrong sort of clay', Stewart will spend two days telling them they're digging in the wrong place and, in the middle of the second day they'll finally agree with him, Guy will claim it's a ritual site and Tony will roll his eyes cos he's heard it all before. Comfortable as an old pair of slippers and just as welcome.

Money - 9:00 BBC2 - is the first of a two-part adaptation of Martin Amis's cult 1980s novel, part of the BBC's Eighties season. John Self, a dysfunctional director of commercials, travels to America to make his debut feature film and ends up speeding towards self-destruction. As Self juggles his unstable relationship with his slippery girlfriend, Selina, his overbearing dad, and a threatening stalker who wants his life, bickering between his actors over proposed nudity in the film threatens to halt production and finish his career before it's even started. Can Self hold it together to achieve the dream in an era of greed, manipulation and wilful narcissism? Stars the great Nick Frost, Mad Men's Vincent Kartheiser, Emma Pierson, Adrian Lukis and Tim Pigott-Smith.

Monday 24 May
Before they head to South Africa for The Big One, England say farewell to their fans at Wembley in a friendly warm-up match against Mexico as International Football comes to ITV at 7:30. With just two games to go before they kick-off their World Cup campaign against the USA, England and Fabio Capello will want to take a step further in finalising their starting eleven and send the supporters home with plenty of cause for optimism. And, let's face it, they should beat the Mexicans. I mean, they can hardly see let alone dribble whilst wearing them massive sombreros, isn't it? Presented by Adrian Chiles - making his debut for ITV - with Gareth Southgate. Bit of a comedown from his last co-host, I'm sure even Chilesy will be forced to admit. Commentary comes from Peter Drury and, heart-stoppingly, Andy Townsend. And, if the latter doesn't put you off watching this then, seriously, there's something wrong with you.

Alan Titchmarsh and Joe Swift launch coverage of the floral celebration from the grounds of the Royal Hospital in The Chelsea Flower Show - 8:00 BBC2. There's an air of romance around 2010's proceedings, ah bless, with many designers adding a touch of glamour to their show gardens. Joe meets the designer bringing the first multi-million pound garden to Chelsea, and there's a profile of acclaimed designer Roger Platts, returning to build his first garden in eight years. Not really my scene, I have to be honest, but it's usually quite pretty to look at. And there's normally some colour, flair and innovation on display which puts it a couple of notches ahead of England v Mexico. Mind you, having Titchmarsh presenting - that's as bad as Andy Townsend, frankly.

Opera Italia - 9:00 BBC4 - is, not unreasonably, a series tracing the history of Italian opera presented by Antonio Pappano, conductor and music director at the Royal Opera House. In the first programme, Pappano takes a whistle-stop tour of the beginnings of opera, from Monteverdi to Rossini. He also looks at the works of two non-Italian composers, Handel and Mozart, who were pivotal in the development of the format, and enlists the help of some of the world's greatest singers, including Juan Diego Florez, Joyce DiDonato and Danielle de Niese. And, remember, it's probably worthwhile hanging on right to the end of this because ... it ain't over till the fat lady sings.

In tonight's episode of Glee - 9:00 E4 - Mr Schuester's nemesis from high school causes trouble for the glee club. Meanwhile, Rachel has problems with a personal issue and Artie's dreams take him on an adventure.

Tuesday 25 May
Gok's Fashion Fix - 8:00 Channel 4 - is, just in case you've never come across it before, a 'fashion makeover' series with the camp-as-a-row-of-tents Gok Wan. I don't really mind Gok, he can be moderately entertaining if he puts his mind to it and I know that he's very popular, particularly with the ladies. I just wish he'd stop calling everybody 'girlfriend.' Even the boys. Anyway, this week, Gok is on Adrian Chiles' homeboy truf, West Bromwich, where thirty five-year-old accountant Mandy Dosanjh is transformed from a tomboy to a style queen by Gok's flourishing and over-the-top magnificence. Then, six supermarket workers from Leeds road test a range of high street jeans for men to find the perfect fit. Which Gok will declare to be 'fabulous.'

Luther - 9:00 BBC1 - has been very good so far, don't you think? Really well acted with a nice dense style of plotting and characterisation. Tonight, when a serial killer goes on the rampage, Luther must put his personal life aside and delve inside the murderer's mind to discover what is driving him to kill so many girls, and why.

Chances are, if you enjoy Luther then you'll also enjoy CSI: Crime Scene Investigation - 9:00 Five - so, it's a case of using your recording devices wisely tonight, I'm afraid. In this episode, the CSI team investigate the mysterious death of a comedian in a locked room and also examine the bullet-riddled body of a dangerous fugitive. Two baffling murders for the price of one.

Or, you may prefer something a bit more ... brainless and degrading. In which case The Million Pound Drop Live - 10:00 Channel 4 - will probably be right up your straße. Davina McCall - seen on the right parttaking in the curious celebrity hobby of 'fondling her own buttocks' - hosts this game show in which contestants can win (or lose) life-changing amounts of money live on TV. Which is, conceptually, cruel-and-unusual enough on its own but wait, it gets so much better. Contestants are given their prize of a million pounds at the start of the show but then face eight tough questions that are linked to four trap doors. If the trap door opens then the contestant will be seen in their hands and knees desperately scrambling around in the filth to cling on to a few meagre pounds. The only way in which the producers could have made this show any more degrading would be if they had coated all the money in faecal matter and then made the contestants eat a tenner for every thousand they wanted to take home.

Wednesday 26 May
James Nesbitt presents an evening of tension, triumph, and tears live from the Royal Festival Hall as the British public cast their votes for their favourite movies and stars in The National Movie Awards 2010 - 8:00 ITV. What is the nation's favourite action movie and who will claim the performance of the year? This ward ceremony features a host of cinema's hottest stars including Tom Cruise and Emma Watson. Shouldn't that be 'a host of cinema's smallest stars'? Anyway, there is also a promised 'spectacular' performance from the stars of Streetdance 3D and a sneak preview of Toy Story 3D. Tragically, since ITV are too cheap to splash out on any 3D technology, the programme is not, itself, being broadcast in 3D.

Daring Raids of World War II - 7:30 Five - is a historical documentary series presented by Major Gordon Corrigan, and one of Five's best of this kind of 'the true story' style of prodcut. This film looks at the remarkable story of The Cockleshell Raiders. In 1942 one of the most audacious raids of the war took place - Operation Frankton - when a small team of hard-as-nails marine commandos, led by Major Herbert George Hasler, rowed sixty miles up the Geronde river in canoes to destroy German supply ships in Bordeaux. Winston Churchill believed the mission shortened the war by as much as six months and Louis Mountbatten the commander of Combined Operations deemed the operation 'the most courageous and imaginative of all the raids ever carried out by the men of Combined Operations.' You've probably seen the movie, starring Trevor Howard and Anthony Newley.

In Coronation Street - 7:30 ITV - it's all questions, tonight. Will Nick and David risk everything to help Gail? Will Roy get over the shock of what Hayley has to tell him? And, will Trev help Carla secure a deal?

Bradley Walsh is a terrific actor (and a particular favourite of yer Keith Telly Topping), more than decent stand-up comedian and not a bad amateur football commentator too. So, quite why sauch a talented individual should have found himself fronting the quiz show The Chase - 5:00 ITV - is, frankly, beyond me. It can't be the money, surely? In this crappy generic format, four contestants must pit their wits against 'The Chaser,' a ruthless quiz genius determined to stop them winning at all costs. Up to an including murder. No, nto really, though that might make it a bit more watchable. An alleged 'thrilling battle' of brainpower and quick-thinking ensues, with each contestant trying to outrun The Chaser and bank their prize money before the final round, when the surviving team members join forces to try and win thousands of pounds. Bradley, mate, what were you thinking of?

Thursday 27 May
In Would I Lie to You? - 9:30 BBC1 - host Rob Brydon joins regular team captains David Mitchell and Lee Mack for the comedy panel show all about truths and lies. With this week's guests, Miranda Hart, Clive Anderson, Claudia Winkleman and Jason Manford. Together, the teams must decide which statements read out by panellists are true, and which are lies. The teams also face a mystery interloper who has a connection to one of the other guests. The contestants must deduce which member of the opposite team has the connection. A repeat, but a welcome one. This is, basically, Call My Bluff for the Mock The Week generation. It's a good laugh, has plenty of funny guests and doesn't take itself or the subject matter too seriously.

According to official figures, bathing at almost two hundred of the UK's beaches carries a risk of infection from sewage-derived bacteria. So, Tonight: How Safe is Your Beach? - 7:30 ITV investigates the causes of this contamination and asks whether any of our beaches can be guaranteed to be free of pollution. Not if, like many, they're covered in dog shit and rubbish. Fortunately, yer Keith Telly Topping lives in Northumberland where we have some of the cleanest and most beautiful stretches of coast-line in the country. Sadly, we've also got the North Sea lapping up against it which, combined with the Arctic winds that usually accompany this body of water everywhere it goes, makes swimming in it a life-and-death struggle.

The second of two Eurovision Song Contest semi-finals from Oslo is broadcast on BBC3 and 8:00 tonight. With UK viewers able to - tactically - vote on who they think should make it through to Saturday's grand final. Paddy O'Connell and Sarah Cawood are on hand to help with their 'unique' take on events whilst Pete Waterman, co-writer of the UK's - dreadful - entry, gives his views. And, there's an exclusive look at how British singer Josh Dubovie has been getting on. Badly, I'm guessing. There's also interviews with some of the top acts that have already gone through.

If you don't fancy that then how about what is, quite possibly, the funniest hour of television ever made? ITV 4 are showing An Audience with Billy Connolly at 9:00. First broadcast on yer Keith Telly Topping's twenty second birthday, in 1985, this stand-up routine in front on an invited audience helped to revive the Big Yen's career which, at the time, was going through something of a trough. Billy offered up his unique brand of acerbic, often angry humour together with some quite revealing stories about his childhood to a star-studded audience including Clive James, Michael Aspel, Ringo Starr, Julie Walters, Peter Davison, Denis Law and Jackie Charlton. At times it's Connolly at his most warm and generous, at others it sees him at his ranting, raging zenith. Who can forget this bit about the guy who found a nice front door so stuck his own door on his outside toilet and woke up the next day to find someone had burgled the netty? His story about his time in the TA in Cyprus? His deconstruction of crass newspaper adverts? His ruminations on religion? Or his suggestion for the Gebrovian National Anthem? ('We come from Gebrovia/And we don't give a shit!') Remember, however, this is the - fifty minute - TV edit. The longer - ninety minute - verison is the one which is currently available on DVD. That one's got more swearing in it! For, as Sir William himself notes, 'people say that swearing is a sign of a limited vocabulary. I think that's nonsense. I know at least a hundred and twenty seven words and I still prefer "fuck"!'

And, so to the Top Telly News: Emma Willis is leaving Live From Studio Five after just two months - to host the Big Brother spin-off show Big Mouth. Wrighty, to lose one co-host might be regarded as misfortune. To lose two looks like craelessness. Willis - the wife of ex-Busted singer Matt - took over from Melinda Messenger in April as host of Five's universally loathed teatime show alongside Ian Wright and Kate Walsh. She will front E4's Big Brother's Big Mouth with George Lamb every evening during the final Big Brother series this summer. Emma will be replaced by Jayne Middlemiss who has stood in before as a guest host. Jayne, pet, has it really come to this?

NBC is reportedly close to cancelling Law & Order. According to Deadline, the network agreed in March to screen a Twenty First season of the crime drama if the cable network TNT financed some of the episodes. However, sources have now claimed that NBC failed to negotiate a deal. 'For whatever reason, NBC was unwilling to negotiate in a serious way with TNT,' one insider said. 'They didn't do it. At the last minute, they said, "We'll pick the show up and this is how we're going to do it." Which was ludicrous.' NBC allegedly asked the programme's executive producer Dick Wolf to help finance the series, which he refused to do. The network's executives reportedly then decided to cancel it. Wolf, who is said to be 'angry' about NBC's move, is now thought to be taking Law & Order to TNT. The news is not expected to affect the franchises several spin-offs Law & Order: Special Victims Uuit, Law & Order: Criminal Intent or Law & Order: Los Angeles.

That one might have been a bit unexpected but, sadly, the next two aren't. According to Entertainment Weekly, ABC has decided not to pick up FlashForward for a second season. And, NBC has confirmed that it's cancelled Heroes after four series. Not enough viewers in both cases.

Ex-Casualty actor Will Thorp has joined the cast of Coronation Street as the serial's new bad boy. Thorp is to play Chris, the former partner of lapdancer Cheryl Gray (Holly Quin-Ankrah), according to the soap's official website. Thorp, who played Woody in Casualty, has also appeared in Holby City and Doctor Who.

Britain's Got Talent hopeful Tia Brodie has reportedly burned her breasts while practising her topless fire breathing act. The former porn acrtess, who performs her routine at pubs and clubs across the country, is said to have received treatment for blisters and reportedly fears that she may have caused permanent damage to her enormous wally jumblatts. Speaking to the Sun about her injuries, the thirty three-year-old commented: 'It's obvious that there are consequences with doing fire performances. I hope it won't scar, but it probably won't be the last time I burn them.' A Got Talent source added: 'Tia's experimenting with a number of difficult manoeuvres that have tested her to the limit. But she's tough so a few burns aren't going to stop her.' So, if you think she looks a bit singed the next time she's showing Simon, the oily twat and Amanda Holden what she's got to offer, remember dear blog reader, it's got nothing to do with Amanda being jealous that Tia's got a better Big Top than her.

Denise Welch has defended her candid autobiography confessions, insisting that she was merely being 'honest' when she wrote the book. True. Albeit, honest can, sometimes, manifest itself of masocism. Just one to drop in your toaster there, Denise. The actress's book, Pulling Myself Together, sees her revealing a long battle with clinical depression and confessing that she used cocaine during her time on Coronation Street. Speaking on This Morning about the public response to her book, Welch conceded: 'It's proved to be quite controversial.' However, she continued: 'I'm nothing if not open - especially on programmes like Loose Women, which has given me the sort of profile where people can speculate on your life. Obviously all of us - all of the girls - are quite pleased that we still are on the covers of magazines. In fact, one of my favourite quotes was something like, "Are Denise Welch, Jane McDonald and Coleen Nolan becoming the Kate, Sienna and Jordan of the old birds?" You do have to embrace these magazine stories. On a more serious level, when I was approached to do this, initially I was going to write a book about my battle with clinical depression. As I started to write, I realised that I couldn't really write about my condition without leading the reader down the dark paths that it took me to.' Welch also dismissed claims that her confessions will have shocked her family.

Gemma Arterton, the size eight British actress, has admitted to 'feeling fat' and claimed that a designer insulted her by questioning why she could not fit into smaller outfits. Arterton conceded to feeling 'depressed' and 'really unhappy' with the way she looked on screen in her latest film, Disney's Prince of Persia. She said: 'It's so ridiculous. I went to a designer the other day, who will remain nameless, and he said to me: "I'm amazed that you're fitting into those sample sizes." I thought: "Hang on a minute! I'm a size eight to ten! I should be amazed that the largest you're making these is a size six."' The actress, who starred as Strawberry Fields in Quantum of Solace, said that she would have to stop eating completely to slim down any further. She added: 'The only way that I could ever be a size six is if I didn't eat. I'm not naturally meant to be that size.'

Noel Edmonds has extended his Deal Or No Deal contract. The move means that Edmonds will host the Channel 4 gameshow for another two years, the Sun reports. Is there no end to the bad news, this week?

Gossip Girl actress Taylor Momsen has proved that she isn't exactly the brightest bulb in the box by boasting about carrying a flick-knife. The actress, sixteen - who played her first UK gig in London with her band The Pretty Reckless on Wednesday - said she even took it on a plane. Momsen claimed that she had a knife collection and 'relaxed' by opening and closing a switchblade. She said: 'I have my favourite knife with me all the time.' Yeah. That's actually called carrying an offensive weapon, Taylor love, you get fined for that shit over here. Police are said to be investigating the comments.

The brother of X Factor judge Cheryl Cole has been arrested in connection with an armed robbery at a Tyneside post office. Andrew Tweedy, thirty, is charged with robbery alongside two other men after a raid at the Hailsham Avenue branch in Longbenton on Monday. His girlfriend, Emma Stanners, twnety nine, has been charged with money laundering. All four will appear before North Tyneside Magistrates' Court. Five other men arrested in connection with the raid have all been bailed. Yer Keith Telly Topping has, on odd occasions that he's been visiting his brother in nearby Forest Hall, had the need to use that particular post office, dear blog reader. Difference was, I actually paid for my purchases.

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