Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Top Telly News Update

So, Keith Telly Topping put Mama Telly Topping on a plane to Barrrrrthelona yesterday. (I mean, she is actually going on holiday there to stay with friends, I didn't just chuck 'er in with the luggage and ask them to 'take her off me hands for a week'.) Anyway, here's some Top Telly News: But first, adverts. Have you noticed that just about the only adverts you ever get on during the afternoon are either June Whitfield selling death-benefits to Octogenarians or that obese berk who looks a dead-ringer for Sam Allardyce wearing a dodgy moustache bellowing 'Have you been injured at work?' Yes mate, I have. And that's why I'm watching you at two o'clock in the afternoon on Dave between repeats of Top Gear.
Bank adverts have gotten really strange of late, don't you think? The music's gone all baroque and some of them have started to resemble Nuremberg rallies rather than those nice fluffy 'give us all your money, baby, it's way-safe with us' ads that they were making a few years ago. Even the Halifax have seemingly gotten shot of Howard. Well, let's face it nobody trusts a man who can surf and sing at the same time. Not even The Beach Boys managed that.

Another things about adverts is their instance on using 'real people' – who, of course, aren't real people at all but, rather, they're actors who last had a job in 1987 and, therefore look, vaguely, like real people. That 118-118 Ghostbusters advert is full of them. Ray Parker Jnr for one. Ray, mate, has the credit crunch really hit that much? And, what about Foxy Bingo? I would simply love to have been in the planning meeting for that one: 'How're we gonna get people down to the bingo in the 21st Century, Bill?' 'Hang on, I've got it. Picture the scene - we get a disco-dancing fox in purple crushed velvet who talks like Sean Bean to tell people how totally great it is.' Give that gentleman a pay rise.

The Independent are reporting that a married couple are suing the makers of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, claiming that a writer of the hit US TV series deliberately named two shady, sex-obsessed characters after them in revenge for a home sale that fell through.
Estate agents Scott and Melinda Tamkin want six million dollars (£3.75m) for defamation and invasion of privacy, after their names were given to a fictional pair of bondage-loving property entrepreneurs in a (rather good, actually) CSI episode entitled Deep Fried and Minty Fresh. In a lawsuit filed at LA County Superior Court last week, the couple stated they fell out with Sarah Goldfinger, the writer responsible for the episode, after she tried to buy a house from one of their clients in 2005. Goldfinger later attempted to publicly humiliate them, the couple claimed, by 'creating from whole cloth' characters named after them, who 'engaged in a reckless lifestyle of sexual bondage, pornography, drunkenness, marital discord, depression, financial straits and possibly even murder.' The episode in question - which aired in the US in February - saw the Las Vegas forensics experts investigating whether the recently deceased Melinda died at the hands of her husband Scott, a mortgage broker who drinks heavily and spends most of his free time watching violent pornography. Jesus, the crap some people choose to care about. I'd say 'only in America, dear blog readers' but, actually, that's the kind of nonsense that seems to have a universal spread. I hope they lose and they're left penniless.

The Sky Arts channel will bring back live drama to television this summer with six newly commissioned plays by authors including Kate Mosse. Sky claims this is the first time live plays have been aired on TV since the BBC's Play for Today finished in 1984. Having, seemingly, forgotten about BBC4's live adaptation of Quatermass in 2005 but never mind, we'll give them points for effort. Pauline Collins will star in one of the plays in the project, which starts 8 July. Sky Arts artistic director that lovely pixey of serene wonderfulness Sandi Toksvig described it as 'genuine "reality" television - drama as it happens, whenever it happens.'

Peter Salmon, the director of BBC North, has vowed to spearhead a new era of broadcasting at MediaCity. A week before he formally takes over his new role, Salmon pledged to help lead a 'Northern Renaissance.' It will include the BBC playing a key role in spearheading the development of the next generation of northern writers and performers. Speaking to the Manchester Evening News, he said: 'MediaCity at Salford represents far more than another fancy building project, another safari up the motorway from the power base in London. It is the re-birth of the BBC as a broadcaster genuinely committed to reflecting the diverse and changing face of the UK.' Salmon - born in Burnley - is leading the transfer of staff and departments out of London in the BBC's history, including BBC Sport, Radio 5Live and Children's BBC.

First there was The Apprentice, now it's the youngsters' turn, as Junior Apprentice is set to debut on BBC1. I wonder if it will be as ground-breaking as Junior Kickstart? Once more under the auspices of Sir Alan B'stard, the new five-part hour-long series will pit ten young contenders, five girls and five boys aged sixteen to seventeen years old. They will compete to become the winner of the 'coveted title.' Candidates from all social backgrounds are being encouraged to apply – whether they are straight A students, from grammar or public school or have no academic qualifications from the scummiest estates in the country. A thick skin will also help, apparently. It's nice, isn't it, to see that child abuse is now such a big part of the BBC's agenda?

Speaking of thoroughly nasty, vicious, spiteful, politically motivated, arrogant, groundless, wicked and evil Little Englander scum agendas ... we must, of course, be talking about the dear old quaint Daily Mail and the crass, cancerous, disingenuous, Old Testament quoting, Cameron-grovelling brown-tongued spittal and bile that rancidly spews, ever outwards, from its scabbed, pox-ridden, mean-spiritied metaphorical mouth. Here is, possibly, the most perfectly generic BBC-bashing headline that those wretched lice at the Mail have ever come up with. They can't even leave the bloody children's department alone: 'The new Teletubbies? BBC unveils animated, yoga-loving hippies that teach children to get in touch with their emotions.' So, no obvious - extremely sinister and pernicious - agenda going down there, then. Perish the very thought. But, listen, couldn't you manage to get a single reference to 'sponging asylum seekers who plot against the queen' in there somewhere, boys and girls? You're slipping.

Meanwhile, the Daily Mirror is reporting that Sharon Osbourne is 'close' to signing up for this year's Strictly Come Dancing. She is said to be the BBC's top target for the series, which from autumn will go head-to-head with its main ITV rival X Factor. And, Sharon is extremely keen on appearing because, like most people who've been sacked from a high profile TV job, she is absolutely desperate to get her boat-race back on the screen and will do anything it takes to achieve this.

Although, it doesn't always work that way. Notorious self-publicist and, soon-to-be, divorced mum-of-three Katie Price has, this morning, pulled out of a scheduled appearance on this week's Friday Night with Jonathan Ross. The model - and alleged 'TV personality' - was to have spoken about her split with husband, Peter Andre, and 'her hopes for the future.' Perhaps either she or the BBC - or maybe both - have had what alcoholics call 'a moment of clarity' and realised that, actually, most people couldn't give a flaming monkey's chuff about anything to do with this saga. A saga of spoiled rotten people with no obvious talent for anything other than bigging themselves up who, for once, have got a thoroughly satisfying taste of some of the harsh realities of life. It's the children I feel sorry for. Imagine having to grow up knowing in advance the number of good hard fistings thaat you're going to get in the schoolyard when your mates find out that your mum is Jordan.

And, lastly David Tennant is set to appear in the Doctor Who spin-off Sarah Jane Interferes, the BBC has announced. Tennant will appear in two episodes of a new twelve-part series of the popular CBBC show which starts in September and concerns an extremely silly woman journalist who screams a lot and has no obvious abilities in any field other than being annoying. This follows the appearance last season of yet another Doctor Who icon, former-Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart (played by the great Nicholas Courtney). Russell Davies, the executive producer of both Sarah Jane Interferes and Doctor Who, said it would be a 'full-on appearance and not just a cameo.' Davies continued 'Viewers thought they may have to wait until November for the next full episode of Doctor Who, but this is an extra special treat.' Smith is played by Elisabeth Sladen who also played the part opposite Jon Pertwee and Tom Baker between 1973 and 1976. Sladen said she was 'absolutely over the moon' to be co-starring alongside Tennant and 'working with a proper actor for a change instead of those bloody kids and that damned metal dog.' Mind you, she said it quietly.

The third series of Sarah Jane Interferes will feature monsters who want to infect earth and a 'living painting.' Tennant is being replaced as the Doctor by Matt Smith who will start filming shortly and makes his debut next year. But first, Tennant will appear in three further specials, starting with The Waters of Mars later in the year. Meanwhile, Doctor Who may be heading for the big screen after a spokeswoman for BBC Films confirmed that 'a script is in development.' The words 'I'll believe it', 'when' and 'I see it' may, possibly, be revelent at this juncture.

1 comment:

Robin Brown said...

A few notes on adverts. Banks, always hateful at the best of times, are simply unbearable these days.

I kind of feel it's akin to a murderer, bloodied hands and all, offering his condolences on your recent loss. Really, if banks had any sense they'd just go away from TV for a while while everyone forgets they nearly brought down the world's entire economy.

As for Ray PJ, I feel sorry for the guy. yesterday's faded celebs are at the mercy of today's coked-up ad execs. It's a bloody disgrace, as Bernard Manning would say.

You may want to check out AdTurds and Quis est Porcus, by the way. Google 'em, should be first link.