Monday, October 01, 2007

The Doctor Who Fan Phrasebook Part 2: It's back and, this time, can I PLEASE get some death threats?

Here, dear blog reader, is a further selection of commonly heard Doctor Who fan comments, posted – some with truly monotonous regularity - onto the Outpost Gallifrey forum. Underneath, you'll find their translations into English.

The exam will be in two weeks. Good luck.

So, is anything new and exciting happening in the world of Doctor Who?
I've been in Outer Mongolia for the last six months - did I miss anything?

I've been in Outer Mongolia for the last six months - did I miss anything?
Actually, I was in Slough. For two weeks. And I didn't miss anything.

Series Four/Series Five/One of Russell's Specials/David and the Damage Done/E-mails to BBC Executives/The Almost Legendary Alan Fridge/Rumours of My Cancellation Have Been Greatly Exaggerated:

Why are the series so short? We need more episodes ... and a Summer Special as well as the Christmas one. Let's have a theatrical film release as well, please. And isn't it about time that the Doctor started to show up in Torchwood and Sarah Jane Interferes?
I work in a convalescent home for actors who've collapsed through nervous exhaustion, and I really fancy a quick game of doctors and nurses with that there David Tennant.

"Interview with Julie Gardener. New info! Link."
Excellent. Now, watch all the gullible masses flock to my thread in search of spoilers, when actually all she reveals is that David's bought some new ties after a trawl through Cardiff's charity shops.

"Rested", "Hiatus", "Pause in production":
Any difference whatsoever between the start date of production for Series Four and the start date for production for Series Five. Please be advised that anything greater than 24 hours will be considered as disastrous to the show's future.

I have no idea what on Earth this production idea actually entails, but nevertheless I can state that it is catastrophically bad, unspeakably awful and represents unbelievable stupidity, arrogance and pomposity from both the Cardiff production team and the BBC and - simply - MUST! MUST! MUST! be STOPPED!!!!!! By force if necessary. I've got a hammer and a TV set, who's with me?

I've heard a rumor [sic]:
I live in the United States of America, hence my inability to spell the word 'rumour' correctly. Somebody who e-mails me occasionally from the UK - whom I've never met and, for all I know could be either a 12 year old or a 30-something paederist - has just told me a right pack of old bollocks concerning Doctor Who's likely future - or lack of it - and, like a gullible fish, I've swallowed it hook-line-and-sinker. I am now presenting this "rumor"[sic] to you in the hope that one or two of you have similar acquarian tendencies and will, therefore, also have your day ruined by the biggest load of old shat that ever masqueraded itself as "truth" in the history of the Internet. Have a nice day.

It is rumoured that certain high-ups at the BBC thought 'Last of the Timelords' was dreadful and want Russell to write less episodes. Or, indeed, go.
In actuality, I started this rumour because *I* thought 'Last of the Timelords' was dreadful and *I* want Russell to either write less episodes or, indeed, to go. I realise, of course, that it is perfectly possible for individual TV executives to have personal opinions on the quality of a particular television show. But, I am also fully aware that even if these mysterious nameless people didn't particularly enjoy an episode of a popular TV series they are far more likely to take one look at the extraordinary ratings and AI figures that the episode in question generated, shrug their broad shoulders and ask "can we get this guy to write all 14 episodes next year cos the general public don't seem to have a problem with it?" than to allow their own personal dislike to, in any way, affect the production.

I have just e-mailed Jane Tranter about this...
Jane Tranter's lawyers have just e-mailed me back asking from where I obtained her private e-mail address and informing me that if I ever use it again, they'll send somebody round to break my fingers.

Series five will be 'Specials' only:
OMG!!!! The sky is falling! The SKY is FALLING!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, I don't want to say "I TOLD YOU SO" (but I'm going to anyway ... even though, actually, I didn't tell you this or anything even remotely like it, I told you that the show would be cancelled at the end of Series four and, when I do say "I TOLD YOU SO" I'm going to look like a proper a 'nana when somebody digs into the archives and finds what I actually DID told you...)

Series five will be all specials - this cannot be allowed to stand:
So, let's review the situation, shall we? As a fandom we survived sixteen years where we had exactly 100 minutes of new Doctor Who on television. Now, seemingly, we're worried about twelve months where we might have only, have 180 or 240 minutes instead. Aren't we just, like, the biggest bunch of badly spoiled brats you ever did see in all yer born days?

I'd rather have a new series with a new Doctor than a gap year.
I didn't know anything about Doctor Who at all before 2005, but now I've forgotten about all other television programmes and other forms of entertainment.

The lead actor is not bigger than the show:
I have seized upon the wild notion that the BBC might sack the star of their hugely successful prime-time show just because I don't like him. Now, I'm excessively bitter that they didn't. I want a new Doctor and a series in 2009 now, now, now, now, now, now, now... If I don't get one I'll hold my breath till i turn blue and then you'll be sorry...

The production doesn't seem to care about what the fans think, only the general public.
I'm genuinely not sure which is the sadder, the fact that I don't seem able to understand that the views seven millions people are slightly - but only slightly - more likely to influence anything on a TV production than the views of a couple of thousand spotty, inarticulate anorak-wearing obsessives who post their pointless rants on the Internet or my total inability to grasp the vast unimportance that all TV fandoms have in the greater scheme of things. Of course, we like to think we're madly important - we set up our little websites and message forums and blogs and we do the alpha-male heirarchial things of "I've been a fan for 20 years, that means I'm better than you cos you haven't" and so on. We name-drop and we postulate and pontificate under the clear belief that our voice is actually being listened to by Russell Davies on a daily basis. But, essentially, nobody other than ourselves takes us in the slightest bit seriously.

Why hasn't David Tennant said one way or the other whether he'll be doing Series five?
Fer Christ's sake, the man's mother has just died, I think he may have slightly more important things on his mind than your entertainment. Geez, get some perspective, will ya (see "sense of perspective, a").

RTD and Tennant have threatened to quit if they don't get what they want - namely the series rested while they do other things. They are holding the BBC to ransom and Doctor Who's future with it.
Since I have never had an actual job, I know nothing about the dynamics of pay and contract negotiations between employers and employees.

RTD and Tennant have threatened to quit if they don't get what they want - namely the series rested while they do other things. They are holding the BBC to ransom and Doctor Who's future with it (slight return).
Alan Fridge told me this. It, therefore, must be true.

Peter Fincham and Jane Tranter and other BBC people want a 2009 series - apparently out of fear of what ITV might do.
Alan Fridge also told me this. Having sat on it for a while. On the other hand, he didn't tell me what Peter and Jane's fears are concerning the 38 weeks a year that Doctor Who isn't on at the moment - however, I'm hoping for a report on the state of their underwear any moment. That's not, actually, anything to do with the future of Doctor Who, I'm just interested ...

Suzie Liggat wants to be be full time producer - but may be headhunted by Waking the Dead instead - she has strong ideas as to what she wants to do. Steven Moffat also has ideas for the show - and, apparently, they don't get on with each other.
The first rule of dramatic storytelling: In any scenario, the first thing you need is conflict to create tension...

I've heard that the series will definitely be cancelled following Series four....
I have, however, no earthly idea what the BBC intends to fill the 13 week April to July gap in their schedules with ...

I am not very happy about any of this.
So, what else is new...?

I am led to believe...Note to all "not-we's" (see The Fan's Phrasebook): 
Prior to July/August 2007, the phrase 'I am led to believe' carried absolutely no connotation of monstrous dribbling overgrown school bully-boy psychopaths bearing down on mild-mannered fans and bludgeoning them to exhaustion with excessive use of exclamation marks and hyperbole to convey their state of near fatal monstrous-dribbling psychosis. Just thought you might like to know that...

I have it on good authority...

Oi, auntie. Yer fridge appears to be leaking...

The Sun and Doctor Who:

I swear to God this is true, right. It says in the Sun this morning that David Bowie is going to appear in the next series and that Ben Kingsley is playing Davros...

Aw, am I late to the party...? What? Zöe Lucker? Whom…?

According to the Sun James Nesbitt will be the next Doctor.
There appears to be a gap in my dictionary between the words 'gullet' and 'gully' - I genuinely can't think of anything that would fit in there. Can anyone?

Completely Baseless Rumour For the Benefit of the Sun:
I had no idea it was loaded! Look at what it's done to my shoe!

Completely Baseless Rumour For the Benefit of the Sun (slight return):
I think I've worked out how Derren Brown does it, so let's see if my cunning ruse to be the most quoted person on the Internet plays out.


We, as fans, deserve...

I was born in an affluent Western democracy in a time of - relative - peace and prosperity. I do not have to worry about what I shall eat today or where I'll be sleeping tonight, or where I will wake up tomorrow morning. My life is so comfortable that I can easily afford to take time to watch television and discuss it with like-minded individuals on the Internet. I take most, if not all, of the freedoms, comforts and privileges of my existence completely for granted. Somewhere in this protective cocoon against war, tyranny and hunger I have grown so complacent and become so spoiled that I actually believe that, in a world where children starve to death and people are persecuted for their beliefs and for the colour of their skin, I have a basic human right to be entertained when and where I want it in the manner that I demand. And, I also believe that if my demands for distraction are not met completely, precisely, instantly and continuously, then I have every justification in feeling personally wronged and complaining loudly and often to anyone who will listen (and, in fact, anyone that won't).

The Christmas Special can't come soon enough!:
I just can't take six bloody months of Arlene bloody Phillips on Saturday night telly.

The constant inaccuracy of the new show is a reminder that the producers owe us a debt.
The producers have spent time, effort and money to keep me indoors complaining when I could - and probably should - be out losing my virginity. Thank you producers.

You're sad, you are mate. Sad, sad, sad, saddity sad sad sad.
If I keep saying it long enough I might forget that I am too. And, what's worse, I know I am and I still don't do anything about it.

… I heard this on another forum ...
Listen, apparently, fandom exists beyond OG. Does that scare you as much as it does me?


I have a five year old child who might get the wrong message from Doctor Who:

Since having a child does not require a license, I went and had one (a child that is, not a license) and now I'm hoping that I can turn it into one of those tobacco-chewing hillbillies who lead joyless lives blighted by hate and resentment...

I have a five year old child who might get the wrong message from Doctor Who (Part 2):
I am with my five-year-old for more hours of more days than any other person, and have spent five years guiding them and raising them, and will have a significant influence over them for many years to come. I also have an off-switch on my television set, and a VCR that I can use for vetting any television programme before my child sees it. Please come to your own conclusions about exactly why I am worried about a message infrequently given by a TV programme that is occasionally on in our house.

I have a five year old child who might get the wrong message from Doctor Who (Part 3):
I have a five year old boy who seems to enjoy playing with his sister's dolls more than the Macho Mercenary Man action figures I got him for Christmas. I am frightened to death by this and, as a consequence, need someone external to blame.

Fandom Buzzwords:


The plot this week featured mainly middle-class people.

Good drama:
The plot this week featured mainly upper-class people.

The plot this week featured mainly horrid loud-mouthed smelly and common working-class people.

Anything in which the Brigadier wears an eyepatch.

Utterly devoid of warmth, humour or humanity and therefore exactly to my "I hate-the-world-and-the world-hates-me-and-why-can't-I-get-laid?" teenage tastes.

I bloody hate kids.

Containing sufficient joy and optimism as to thwart all of my attempts to feel smugly depressed while watching it.

An original and possibly experimental idea.

A list featuring no more than thirty names - almost exclusively aliases - submitted to, variously, the BBC, Parliament and the UN calling for changes in the running of a television show called Doctor Who.

Interesting view...:
... and, here's my better one...

You raise some very valid points:
Everything you say is wrong...


Everyone I know:
I ...

All my friends and family:

Everybody I've ever spoken to in the entire world ...:

Gravitas/Deus ex Machina/Lazy Writing/Agenda/ Populist/Plot Hole:
I'm not sure what any of these words actually mean but I'm pretty sure I can criticise someone/thing using them with impunity.

Logging out of this forum, quickly, after posting.

A bit like a fishmonger, but with a far worse stench.

Sense of perspective, A:
Nope. Nothing. Nada. Total blank. Is this a Welsh phrase, by any chance?

Human Nature/Family Of Blood/Blink:
The untouchable words and visuals of the Lord. Thou shalt not blaspheme against such deities and thou shalt treasure their infinite worth via weekly viewings en masse every Sunday morning. Thou shalt never speak against them, use their titles in vain, or quote from them carelessly.

With this, the show has definitely jumped the shark.
I simply cannot be bothered to come up with any form of coherent argument, so I'm just going to use the latest vacuous Internet buzz-word. Again.

Hi, I'm a Whovian.
Hi. I'm an American. Please don't kill me, I didn't vote for our President...

The Fandom Wars:

Get over it:
My opinion is right, and despite the fact that your argument is well-articulated and well-supported, I'm going to stick my fingers in my ears and go 'lah-lah-lah!' because I know you are wrong.

Get over yourself:
My opinion is right, and despite the fact that your argument is well-articulated and well-supported, I'm going to stick my fingers in my ears and go 'lah-lah-lah!' because I know you are wrong. And you are a poopy-head. So nyerr.

Grow up:
My opinion is right, but I can't think of/can't be bothered to type out an articulate response to your argument. So nyerr.

Get a life:
My irony detector is on the blink again. As, indeed, it has been for the last 25 years. Which way's the exit?

I have a right to express my opinion.
I can be as offensive, obnoxious and argumentative as I sodding well want to be, and you can't stop me cos I'm a Big Name Fan and you're not. Nyerr, nyerr na-nyerr nyerr.

I am outraged by your comments:
You sir, are a blaggard, a wretch, a coward and an insolent cur whom I would thrash with my crop within an inch of your life were it not illegal to do so. Damn and blast your eyes, I demand my satisfaction upon the 'morrow at dawn.

Any Chance We Could Drop Talking about AI?
I think I'd like to start a very long thread...

We're just going to have to agree to disagree... 
But one day I shall return to destroy this miserable little planet and you along with it! Goodbye!

The Code of Conduct:

Hey guys! Let's all make smart-arsed snipes at differing opinions in a format that hopefully won't violate the code of conduct!

I have recognised myself in one too many of these definitions. Unfortunately, I seem to have left my sense of humour somewhere. Anyone seen it? I tried looking down that back of the sofa but all I found there was three toffees and a five pence piece.

You do have a Report button, you know...
Do you feel lucky, punk? Well ... do ya?

As far as I can tell this is a thread dealing with humour, most of it fairly self-deprecating. If there are any specific posts that you feel are offensive, let us know.
For God's sake, I'm in the middle of a sandwich, here. Will you little sods just GROW UP?!

I'm not saying there aren't clever, legitimate posts in this thread, but there's plenty of offensive rubbish too.
Oh, I REALLY wish I had written a few of those.

The BBC:

"And now on BBC one, more time-travelling adventures with Doctor Who. Record the whole series."

The schedulers will be arsing about with the start time over the course of the next month or so.

"Right now on BBC THREE, it's more of the Doctor..."

We've finally worn a hole in our tapes of "Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Please".

"And now on BBC Four Patrick Troughton stars in a classic episode of Doctor Who."
Fooled you! You thought we were going to show the whole story! Ha ha! Now all those repeat recordings you've programmed on Sky+ will be documentaries on classical music for the next four weeks. That'll teach you to just tune in for British Sci Fi week then bugger off again, won't it?

"And Now on BBC Seven Paul McGann is the Eighth Doctor in his latest audio adventure."
Listen, mate you've already got this on CD, why the Hell are you bothering?

Catherine Tate:

Casting an alleged "celebrity" like Catherine Tate will only harm the believability of the series.

Casting celebrities like Christopher Eccleston, Billie Piper, Richard Wilson, Simon Callow and Pauline Collins has, in no way, harmed the believability of the series, but why let the facts get in the way of a good rant.


I don't like the fact that RTD has cast Kylie Minogue in the Christmas ep

I am not gay.

Felicity Kendall:

Now, that's a very enterprising bit of casting.

Felicity! Felicity! You fill me with electricity. But you are nice/sugar and spice. Like wot a real girly outta be.

Doctor Who and Sex:

Once again we have a story in which the companion saves the day, severely undermining the character of the Doctor.

I wish Billie/Freema would wear skirts so I could get a glimpse of their underwear when they climb up ladders.

Speaking as a lesbian...
Actually, my arguments are rather threadbare and ill-thought out, but if I mention that I'm a lesbian, hopefully all the hetero-males around here will side with me on the off chance of getting some photos of me and my hot girlfriend PM'ed to them.

I agree.
Please PM those pictures of you and your hot girlfriend.

That's just about the most thoughtful and intelligent thing I've heard on this board in months.
Would you and your hot girlfriend care for dinner one night round my gaff? Followed by some group sex...?

Personally, I am shocked at the purile nature of some of the people on this forum.
Is it wrong of me to find the idea of a woman sat, dressed only in her pants, weeping and feeding her cat cheese faintly erotic?

If I portray myself as sophisticated, open and urbane, whilst seeming to distance myself from the more overtly sexualised comments on this board, I shall come across as cultured and sexually mature, and the lezzas will definitely want to shag me.
Oh come on, just post some photos with a bit of tongue action, please? I'm dying here...


I hate Martha Jones.

Yes - I know this thread isn't about her - but if I don't post how much I hate her in at least fifty threads a day the bogeyman will get me.

Martha was rubbish.
I don't like black people.

Martha was a wasted opportunity and could have been excellent if it weren't for the lovey-dovey stuff.

I don't like black people but think I should make it seem like I do.

Martha going into Torchwood is total proof that the character is not popular.
I'm going to ignore the fact that they've done this to expand a character that has already won the hearts of many viewers.


I want Rose back.

I have forgotten that there is a real world out there. One in which Billie is happy - and successful - doing other stuff.

I thought the references to Rose in Series three were great!
Ah well, if we can't have her back at least we can annoy the current companion with constant mentions of her.

Doctor Who and Racism:

The BNP were vocal in their outrage about Rose and Mickey's relationship in 'Rose'.

Like most fascist numbskulls, they missed the very bit that would probably have appealed to them most - when Rose left her black boyfriend and ran off with a skinhead.

Doctor Who and Politics:

It's repetitive that they keep featuring politicians in Doctor Who and why do we have to have the companions families in every other episode?

I understand that most people around here watch and frequently reference brave, challenging TV show like Lost, The West Wing, The Sopranos and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, yet I still can't get my head around the idea of running plot threads.

Doctor Who and Religion:

I'm uncomfortable with the religious subtext RTD has introduced to the show.

The only book about religion I've ever read was by Richard Dawkins. Admire how logical and rational I am!

Russell, just leave and cancel the new series NOW!
Yes, I spent the last sixteen years bitching and moaning, protesting outside the BBC and threatening to chain myself to their railings, writing angry letters to Points of View, plotting ways to firebomb Michael Grade's house and get away with it, smashing my TV set with a hammer on the front page of the tabloids, releasing unlistenable protest records and begging on my knees for someone to please, please, please, pretty please bring back Doctor Who, only to suddenly change my mind as soon as the show becomes popular again with people who are aren't me.

RTD can't write for toffee.
Uh-huh, I really did just suggest that one of the most respected writer/producers that British television has produced in two decades can't write because I - wretched done-nothing berk that I am - didn't like an example of his work.

RTD needs to quit!!!
I don't like his episodes. Even though a lot of people do. But I think I'm special and important, so I think the show should be written to my exact specifications.

Here comes that bloody Gay Agenda again!
I am a homophobe.


Murray Gold's music is too loud/intrusive/generally awful.

Ah, I remember Deadly Dudley Simpson with such fondness.

I think that incidental music should not actually be noticed. It should only subtly support the scene and not tell you how to feel.
I hate the music in all the Star Wars movies, Jaws, Indiana Jones, Jurassic Park, E.T., The Matrix, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Gone With The Wind and just about every other film ever made. Apparently.


I think Torchwood has a perfect right to take everything it can from Doctor Who; it's not as if children are going to watch it because of that.

I have no knowledge of parenting ... and rightly so since I still have the mental capacity of a child myself. My reasons for not having them also include not being able to attract any kind of women, or just being damn scared of those small blighters who can actually enjoy life and be curious. I hate them all.

Torchwood, Sarah Jane Interferes and The Infinate Quest are yet another example of the over expansion of todays modern world.
The new series is good enough to make spin-offs which lasts more than a pilot episode.

Fans of RTD's episodes only slag off Torchwood coz it makes them look cool... since TW is no worse, really, is it?
I've run out of original ways to tell folks what they *really* think.

What's with all the pointless shagging in Torchwood.
Owen Harper is a foul, loathsome, repellent creature who nevertheless manages to get laid more times in three... maybe four... episodes than I did in the entirety of last year. Not only is this unrealistic, as far as my admittedly sheltered experience of life demonstrates, but it's SO BLOODY UNFAIR!

Gone a bit quiet in here, hasn't it?
I'm lonely and have no one to talk to...

It's gone a bit quiet again.
Come on, you slackers, I want to compile "The Doctor Who Fan's Phrasebook, Part 2" on my blog and get another gratuitous mention in the Gruniad ...!

I've never posted in this thread before, but gave it a great deal of attention when other, funnier, posters used it as a sounding board for their wit and mutual loathing. Selfishly unsatisfied, finding nothing that entertaining on the board since Catherine Tate caused many to claw out their own brains with rusty hooks, I am now hoping that other posters will return to entertaining me.

Well since the end of the series there's not been a lot to inspire us.
I'm still waiting for the money and the girls from the first blog entry....

Damn, this is fun!
Bollocks, I just got back from the pub and can't think of anything funny to say, yet I still want to be able to say 'Oh yeah, I got referenced in 'The Fan's Phrasebook' thread.

This thread just WILL NOT DIE!
We are all sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad to the power infinity and beyond. Especially me.

Gosh, this thread's getting a lot of attention.
We made it into one of the Gruniad's blogs, aren't we clever?!

I just got quoted on a blog - meh.
I just got quoted on a blog - after 36 years of utterly deserved obscurity my existence has finally been validated.

Great blog Keith!
You sodding lazy bastard, Topping, you can't even be bothered to write anything new; just copied and pasted our efforts.

You sodding lazy bastard you can't even be bothered to write anything new; just copied and pasted our efforts.
I can't BELIEVE he didn't use one of my examples!

Ah well, them's the breaks bonny-lad.
You think you're worthy to be edited by me, eh, son?? Whoareya? Whoareya? Whoareya?!

... and thanks to everyone who left messages, linked to their own blogs and generally said nice things. I was really touched.
Forty odd online replies, seventy odd e-mails, thirty links to other websites and I couldn't even get ONE lousy death-threat. What the Hell's going on? Has fandom developed a sense of humour all of a sudden? What's THAT all about???

I have close friends high up in the Doctor Who organisation.
I was on the same forum as Keith Topping once.

I've just read one of Keith Topping's Dr Who books and it was really good!
I've just read one of Keith Topping's Dr Who books and it was a bit rubbish but I know he posts here and I'm scared he might hit me.

That Keith Topping, he's a bit of a wanker, isn't he?
That Keith Topping, he's a bit of a wanker, isn't he?

- With many sincere thanks to (in no particular order):
Elephant (who started the whole thing off), Duckbutcher, varalys the dark, innuendo, dazmck, The Other, IRS Walker, Paperback Writer, The Molk, Lee Ratbag, Nick Barlow, Rich T, Northern Doctor, Duncan P, Gamma, Callufrac Clockmaker, Doc Filth, The Browncoat Cat, Paul Jennings, phantom, KrimsonGray, Coriander, Querulous Quirk, Crayola of Doodah, Doctor Occupant, Garstansinillium, Easter Lily, The Phantom Piper, The Revolutionist, Affirmation, Chronologix, Captain J, Abslom Daak, Dalek Warhol, L'Enfuntchi, Bradley de la Cloche, Zelator, Delgado Fan, Lord_Fear, Fool, rumleech, Raj Kaputni, blue helmet, trebor 19602001, Cassandra, iamnotanumber, davee-mac, nightsky, Lee Foster, Corek, Jon Blum, Meglos, Mediocre, Laura Potter, Nastally, Captain J, Skywise, whosithedoctor, goodgodno, Meglomaniac, Jonny Aronld, Debbie Williams, Rob Stickler, wiccaman, Imbolc Fire, Johnstone666, Starrfire, Rumteech, James Lindsay, Person 112, Kerr_Avon, Tardis Chick, Gazza Innit, Madelaine, stgeorgeandthehaggis and everyone else who contributed to the seminal Fan Phrasebook thread (which is still going over on OG incidentally).