Friday, November 26, 2010

Gold Is The Metal With The Broadest Shoulders

From The North had a couple of dozen more hits than usual yesterday. Which, obviously, yer Keith Telly Topping was fair delighted about. The reason, however, was curious. It wasn't, particularly, because of the nasty cold weather that hit Britain and people being stuck in their gaffs looking for some entertainment to cheer them up. No, mainly, it would appear, that it was people searching for information about Freddie's Great British Granny Bang which, you may remember dear blog reader, was mentioned, in passing, on the blog yesterday. Words fail me! It's always nice to see some new people in church but, please, do me a favour. Wipe your hands before you touch anything. Thanks.

BBC Television is set to deliver the best end of year figures of any major UK broadcaster, following strong performances across its channels throughout 2010 the BBC had announced in a press release. Analysis reveals that the AI (audience appreciation index) figures have gone up and that the portfolio has grown its share to thirty three per cent – half a percentage point up on last year – and now reaches over eighty five per cent of the UK population each week. Which, put into layman's terms, means that more people than last year are watching BBC programmes and they're saying that, by and large, they enjoy them, basically. Except for The Ludicrous Ms Dahl. Nobody enjoyed that. Jana Bennett, the BBC's Director of Vision, says: 'It's been a strong year for BBC Television, with distinctive and uniquely BBC initiatives like the year of science, opera and poetry seasons and the launch of BBC1 HD. We've seen truly ambitious and challenging moments like Five Daughters and Turn Back Time: The High Street, resulting in a portfolio performance that has bucked the trend and grown its AIs and audience share, whilst keeping public service broadcasting values at its heart.' Bennett also announced this week that the BBC will be introducing a new way of measuring its audiences, alongside traditional 'overnight' methods. The system, called Live Plus 7, will incorporate the total audience consuming content across all platforms, including live, recordings, time-shifting, narrative repeats, HD and, for the first time, BBC iPlayer for seven days after initial transmission. This will be particularly interesting as much discussion has been focused during the last year on the way in which viewing habits of the audience are changing. iPlayer, in particular, is a factor often forgotten about when it comes to viewing 'figures' per se and yet, as the BBC notes, it has a massive viewership. Next year the BBC plan to start revealing this information by publishing some of the Live Plus 7 information each month in a similar fashion to the way they currently announce iPlayer stats. Bennett added: 'We know that viewing habits are changing and we're changing with them. As our content becomes available in more ways than ever before, traditional methods of overnight measurement are now just one part of the picture. The new Live Plus 7 system will allow us to look at the total impact of a show and use this insight to continue creating the programmes our audiences want to see.' With regard to specific channel, BBC1 has continued to grow in 2010, reaching 44.6 million people each week, up from forty four million last year. Share has remained broadly stable at 20.7 per cent for all hours and BBC1 is the only terrestrial channel to have gone up in peak time (to just under twenty three per cent). It has consequently increased its lead ahead of other terrestrial channels in both peak and all hours. Highlights of the year have included The Young Ones, the success of Sherlock and the live EastEnders episode, which was watched by over twenty million people on all platforms. BBC2's share has remained ahead of its main competitors in peak hours: The channel reaches 31.3 million people each week. Despite a dip in peak share to 7.8 per cent, this still kept BBC2 comfortably ahead of its competitors Channel Four and Channel Five. As part of Putting Quality First, the channel has taken creative risk with distinctive programmes at 9pm including Secret Iraq, BP: Thirty Billion Dollar Blowout and The Song Of Lunch and has experienced some of its highest ever AI scores. The high quality of BBC2's output, recognised by audiences and by the BBC Trust, is clear in the numerous successes this year, including Wonders Of The Solar System and a resurgence of mainstream comedy on the channel, with Miranda, Rev and The Trip. BBC3 - despite its detractors, most of whom never actually seem to watch the channel, merely read the titles of its schedule and tut - is now the most-watched digital channel in the hours it broadcasts: The MGEITF Non-Terrestrial Channel of the Year, BBC3 saw both its share and reach grow in 2010, with the channel now reaching 5.2m (or over thirty six per cent) of all sixteen to thirty four each week, up from 4.8m in 2009. Highlights for the channel this year have included EastEnders: The Aftermath, which was watched by four and a half million viewers – the highest audience for a programme on a digital channel ever. Him And Her saw the highest ever audience for a sitcom launch on the channel, Russell Howard's Good News remains popular, topping a million viewers, and there was a successful second series of Being Human. Women, Weddings, War And Me saw the highest audience appreciation figure of any factual programme on any British channel whilst the successful Adult Season reached almost half of sixteen to thirty four year olds with programming hits that included the remarkable documentary Small Teen, Big World, which saw the channel's best ever documentary audience with 1.2m. BBC4 has also increased its reach and share considerably in the hours that it broadcasts: It has been an excellent year for BBC4, the report suggests, which now reaches eight and a half million viewers each week, up from 7.2m in 2009. Reflecting the Trust's findings that audiences appreciate its high quality and distinctive content, 2010 has seen a wide variety of successful programmes and seasons on the channel; highlights included the Fatherhood and Sea seasons, a series of programmes on opera and original pieces which offered something that no other channel would, like Indian Hill Railways, Pavarotti – A Life In Seven Arias, Britain Goes Camping, Treasures Of The Anglo Saxons and, possibly the best single programme on British TV all year, the drama The Road To Coronation Street. The BBC's other portfolio channels have also had a successful year. BBC HD has experienced growth and BBC1 HD, launched just a couple of weeks ago, is 'already doing well' according to the report. BBC Parliament has increased its weekly reach by forty per cent. 2010 has been a record year for the BBC News Channel. An average of 9.6 million people now tune in each week – up twenty four per cent on 2009. A series of major news events has given the channel its best ever figures, with 7.4 million viewers tuning into the channel on the day of Gordon Brown's resignation, seven million watching the day after the General Election and almost the same number watching on the day the Chilean miners were freed. The BBC's children's services are still the nation's favourites: CBBC has grown and still reaches more six to twelve year olds than its competitors. CBeebies has maintained its position as the most-watched pre-school channel during the hours it broadcasts. Finally, iPlayer has hit new highs, with one hundred and thirty nine million requests last month. There was a year-on-year increase in the number of requests received for TV and radio programmes every month. October was the best performing month to date. BBC iPlayer went live in September with an updated design on the web, incorporating new social and personalisation features. Top Gear did well throughout its run and the EastEnders live episode, and every one of the thirteen premiering episodes of the new Doctor Who series, received over one million requests each.

Anna Maxwell Martin, Claire Foy, Jodie Whittaker and Harry Treadaway will star in a tragic and tender adaptation of Sarah Waters' best-selling novel, The Night Watch. Adapted by award-winning writer Paula Milne (Small Island, Endgame, The Virgin Queen and The Politician's Wife) and made by BBC Drama Production. Paula Milne said: 'One of the themes which attracted me to Sarah Waters' delicate and haunting novel is its theme of invisibility – how in the Second World War, under the deathly mantle of darkness as the air raid sirens wailed, her characters found an invisible arena to explore their sexuality. In that sense it is truly a noir novel. Add to that its wayward structure, jettisoning the story from the present back into the past, it was simply a challenge I couldn't resist.' Set against the turbulent backdrop of Forties London, The Night Watch tells the stories of four young Londoners inextricably linked by their wartime experiences. In a time when the barriers of sexual morality and social convention have been broken down, Kay (Maxwell Martin), Helen (Foy), Viv (Whittaker) and Duncan (Treadaway) enjoy a freedom never experienced before as they engage in secret liaisons and passionate trysts. The drama opens in 1947 as the country is trying to rebuild itself after the war; we find Kay mysteriously roaming the streets, haunted by some traumatic personal loss. Meanwhile, Helen and Viv run a marriage bureau, helping people rebuild their shattered lives by finding love. But their own complicated love lives are less easy to solve. Helen obsessively clings to her tumultuous and volatile relationship with Julia while Viv is continuing an affair with a married man whom she seems unable to break free from. Viv's vulnerable young brother Duncan harbours a terrible secret, when a face from his past re-appears which threatens his fragile existence. Moving back in time through the Forties into the maelstrom of the Blitz, the lives, loves and losses of these four central characters are unravelled. For them, the post-war victory is bitter sweet, for it returns them to the margins of society from which they hoped they had been liberated. In order to build their future they must each make peace with their past.

Doctor Who showrunner Steven Moffat has confirmed that there are no plans to resurrect the Torchwood character Ianto Jones. Although, why on earth anybody is asking The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat about a character from a TV show that he had no direct involvement in is, sad to say, somewhat befuddling. You might as well ask him if he's got any plans to bring Arthur Fowler back to EastEnders. The character, played by Gareth David-Lloyd, was killed off in the fourth episode of the Torchwood mini-series, Children of Earth. Moffat wrote on Twitter: 'Ianto fans only: Russell's character, and I thought his death scene was brilliant. Not reversing it. Stop asking.' In response to a further fan question, from somebody who, seemingly, dind't understand the meaning of the words 'stop asking' Steven, showing far more patience than yer Keith Telly Topping would have managed, added: 'Torchwood is Russell's - nothing to do with me.' Jeez, some people just won't let go, will they? Anyway, Steven, is there any chance you could bring Hilda Ogden back to Corrie for me? What? What!

Barbara Windsor has admitted that she would consider an offer to appear on Strictly Come Dancing next year. The former EastEnders actress, who is preparing to appear in panto this Christmas, told BBC's Breakfast programme that she had been invited to compete in the dancing series before. 'They've asked me several times,' the seventy three-year-old revealed. On whether she would follow her former co-stars including Scott Maslen and Kara Tointon onto the dancefloor, she added: 'Maybe next year.'

Joss Whedon has admitted that he struggled to find direction while working on Fox's Dollhouse. In an interview with SciFi Now, the writer and director said that while the programme did not live up to his previous work on Firefly, it still managed to 'accomplish' several things before its cancellation in January 2010. For what it's worth, yer Keith Telly Topping thought that, after a few shaky episodes, Dollhouse was pretty fantastic. Unfortunately, nobody watched it. 'The situation with Dollhouse was that FOX was trying to get it, but we had come at two different shows, we had done that accidentally, and it got to a point where I didn't know what I was trying to accomplish, and you can't go into a story room with that feeling, because it's already really hard,' he explained. 'I remember thinking this is the difference between this and Firefly, because with Firefly, I knew, and here, now I'm not even sure. [Dollhouse] accomplished some of the things I wanted to accomplish. The questions of identity and humanity I thought were out there front and centre, and I've heard people responded really well to that, and I've heard people say the show even helped them.' He continued: 'I never conceived of a more pure journey from helplessness to power, which is what I always write about, and in that sense I feel we accomplished a lot of it. I do feel that part of what we tried to get at kind of got taken out at the beginning – and it really was more important to how the show would work than I even realised when they took it out – which was sex. The show was supposed to be, on some level, a celebration of perversion, as something that makes us unique. Sort of our hidden selves. You can talk about your hidden selves and identity, but when you have to shoot each other every week, you get a little bit limited. The show was supposed to flip genres every episode, and the moment we did that, they shut us down and said, "Quickly, have someone shoot at someone."' Whedon added that he felt limited by the network's expectations for the series. 'I feel when we had to take sex out of the equation, it became kind of a joke or almost unsettling. Because we couldn't hit it head-on – and so much of our identity is wrapped up in our sexuality, and this is something Eliza [Dushku] was talking to me about, as something she wanted to examine before I even came up with the idea,' he explained. 'To have that sort of excised and marginalised and sanitised, and not to be able to hit on the head what they were doing, made the show a little bit limited and a little bit creepy at times. I think we still did some fairly out-there stuff, and I’m proud of what we did, given the circumstances, but with those circumstances, it was never really going to happen the way it should have.'

Dara O Briain is to take part in a three-day astronomy event for BBC2. The comic will be joined by Professor Brian Cox and Jonathan Ross. Stargazing Live will be broadcast from the site of one of the world's largest telescopes – the Lovell Telescope at the University of Manchester – and aims to spark public interest in astronomy. BBC2 controller Janice Hadlow said: 'Next year BBC2 will build on its factual strategy for 2010 – putting really creative and ambitious series in the heart of the schedule with the best experts and the most passionate advocates. In our live Stargazing event, Brian Cox is to be joined by a surprising duo of astronomy enthusiasts, Dara O Briain and Jonathan Ross, for a live exploration of the solar system.' O Briain studied maths and theoretical physics at University College Dublin, and has recently started incorporating scientific ideas in his stand-up shows, whilst Ross is said to have telescopes at his home. Although, that could just be a dodgy rumour. Anyway, the series airs in January and hopes to capture three of that month's unusual astronomical events: a partial solar eclipse, the Quadrantids meteor shower and Jupiter aligning with Uranus. No jokes please. Amateur astronomers will also be invited to share their best photographs of the night skies online, to be showcased during the live shows. So, The Sky At Night with jokes, basically. Great. I'll be watching that.

Lyndsey Marshal has admitted that she is unlikely to reprise her role on Being Human. The Rome actress played Lucy Jaggat, a love interest and nemesis for vampire Mitchell (Aidan Turner) in the second series of the BBC3 drama. 'I think that's it [for my character] as I had a stake through the heart in the last episode,' the actress told What's On TV. However, Marshal admitted that the show's supernatural nature meant that a return for Lucy was still a possibility. 'Everyone was like, [dying] doesn't mean anything!' she said. '[I could] come back as a ghost! I loved doing [that show].'

Now, let us have ourselves the first new instalment of Huntwatch in a while: Oily Jeremy Hunt, the lack of culture secretary, has been urged by Labour to sort out the 'mess' at Welsh language broadcaster S4C before it descends into farce and chaos. Not that he will, of course. He doesn't do stuff like that. However, as the Gruniad Morning Star notes, it may already be too late for that. The broadcaster was plunged into fresh turmoil this week with a disagreement between the S4C Authority chairman, John Walter Jones, and the rest of its governing body about whether he was leaving immediately – or at the end of March. Jones publicly confirmed that he had handed in his resignation to Hunt, with the Department for Culture Media and Sport saying he would be leaving at the end of March. However, Jones' soon-to-be former colleagues on the S4C Authority issued their own press release insisting that after Jones confirmed his resignation with them last week, he later told them it would take 'immediate effect.' Ivan Lewis, the shadow culture secretary, called for Hunt to 'act quickly to resolve a mess of his own making.' S4C has been in crisis since last month when Hunt negotiated a deal with the BBC for the corporation to take responsibility for its governance and most of its funding in 2013, without consulting the Welsh-language broadcaster before he announced this. S4C is also facing an almost twenty five per cent budget cut in real terms as part of the government's comprehensive spending review. 'S4C is too important to the people of Wales to be allowed to descend into farce and chaos,' Lewis said. 'Jeremy Hunt's appalling handling of the transfer of S4C to the BBC has caused this crisis. As the chair [of S4C] is appointed by the secretary of state it is his job to sort this mess out,' he added. 'More than ever before S4C needs effective leadership as they negotiate a new future with the BBC which protects the editorial independence of Welsh language television while improving the quality of programmes for viewers.' The S4C Authority's press release yesterday also stated that the chairman of the S4C Authority audit committee, Rheon Tomas, said to be a leading critic of the way Jones has handled negotiations over the broadcaster's future, had been appointed vice chairman. 'There has always been unanimity within the authority about the importance of discussions with DCMS and the BBC. We have a further meeting next week,' the statement added. The manoeuvring has created an outcry in Wales, with Alun Cairns, the Conservative MP for the Vale of Glamorgan telling BBC Wales: 'The actions of the authority members are bizarre. This demonstrates how unsuitable these people are to run a public body and to spend a hundred million pounds of taxpayers funds.' The deputy first minister of the Welsh assembly government, Ieuan Wyn Jones, repeated his call for an urgent, independent review — though the WAG has no jurisdiction over S4C. 'This cannot be allowed to continue. What S4C needs at this time is a strong united authority which has a clear set of purposes. Debate surrounding the channel cannot continue to degenerate into a slanging match,' he said. The S4C Authority's priority is to negotiate a new partnership with the BBC, but this has already got off to a bad start, with a very public exchange of what the Gruniad describes as 'peppery letters' between Sir Michael Lyons, chairman of the BBC Trust, and John Walter Jones about the degree of independence it could expect. The authority also faces allegations of mismanaging S4C. On Tuesday, the first sitting of a Commons Welsh affairs committee investigation into S4C heard damning evidence from the three first witnesses, which was said to have 'shook' some MPs. Possibly, all night long, in a Rainbow stlye(e). Geraint Talfan Davies, former controller of BBC Wales, told the committee S4C management had 'lost its authority and credibility and is in no shape to conduct negotiations with the BBC.' A second witness, Ron Jones, executive chairman of the large Welsh independent producer Tinopolis, which makes shows including Question Time, said that while the S4C Authority and the broadcaster's management both have to carry the can for the loss of credibility, there must be a review to reform the structure and a change the leadership. Jones added that S4C should be properly supervised, with shared political involvement by both the DCMS and Welsh assembly government. 'There has been a sense of insularity, its been very unfortunate,' he said. The witnesses also said that hiring a new chief executive for S4C – applications close this Friday — to replace the ousted Iona Jones should be suspended, until the membership of the authority and its future was sorted out. Later this week S4C is due to publish an independent report on its governance track record, and it is expected to reveal what the paper describes as 'blemishes.'

Hawaii Five-0 actress Taryn Manning is to make a guest appearance on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. TV Guide reports that the actress will play an unwilling porn actress in a forthcoming episode of the NBC crime drama. Manning plays Mary Ann, the younger sister of Steve McGarrett, on Hawaii Five-0 and also features in the recurring role of Cherry on FX biker drama Sons of Anarchy. She has also made guest appearances in episodes of CSI: Miami and NYPD Blue.

Christopher Biggins has described Gillian McKeith the worst contestant to ever appear on I'm A Z-List Former Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! The 2007 'King of the Jungle' said that McKeith had 'ruined' this year's series by declining to take part in bushtucker trials and sulking around the camp. He told the Sun: 'She refuses to do anything, and if she cannot do it she should get out. She has a huge ego and probably thinks she's being picked for the tasks because she's so popular, the poor, deluded woman. She must be the most obnoxious, selfish, vindictive woman I've ever had the misfortune to watch on TV. She's ruining the programme. My advice to her would be to try harder and be kinder. But there is no way back for her now. She's the worst contestant - ever.' Biggins also said that he was not surprised his friend Nigel Havers lasted such a short time in the jungle. He added: 'I think poor Nigel believed he was going to spend the time having interesting conversation with a dozen intellectuals. It's not like that.' Yes. We've noticed.

Two months ago Sarah Murdoch's embarrassment at naming the wrong winner of Australia's Next Top Model live on air became a viral hit across the world. Now ITV's Australian production subsidiary has paid the price for the screw-up, losing the Australia's Next Top Model contract, according to a local media report. The incident, which Murdoch – the show's presenter – said had resulted from the wrong name being fed to her via an earpiece, has gone down as one of the biggest cock-ups in the history of reality TV. Murdoch is, of course, the wife of Rupert Murdoch's eldest son, Lachlan. The Murdoch family part-owns the show's broadcaster, Foxtel, through News Corporation. ITV subsidiary Granada Media Australia has made the past six series of the reality TV show, but Murdoch confirmed to the Sydney Morning Herald earlier this week that a change in production company was being made. 'Granada produced Australia's Top Model for six years. I worked with them for two years,' she said in a statement. 'They are a very talented and hard-working crew. But after what happened this year I thought very hard about it and decided it was probably time for a change.'' It is not yet known which production company will take over for the seventh series, but the Sydney Morning Herald suggests that Shine, which is owned by Murdoch's sister-in-law, Elisabeth, is probably the favourite.

Hollywood actress Gwyneth Paltrow stripped down to nothing more than a racy red leotard for a guest appearance on the hit TV series Glee this weel. The thirty eight-year-old showed off her slim physique and long legs during a cabaret-style version of Chicago hit 'Nowadays.' Gwyneth performed alongside Lea Michele, who plays Rachel Berry in the show. The pair started the performance wearing matching long, black coats with red fluffy edges, then stripped off to reveal their fringed-leotard outfits. While dancing and shimmying around, the actresses used props including fedora hats and fake guns to aid their act. Gwyneth, who is married to Coldplay front man and living hummus Chris Martin, played substitute teacher Holly Holliday in the episode. Ms Holliday covers for Will Schuester's Spanish class and Glee club when he falls ill, and quickly wins the support of the New Directions group. At first, it seems Holly will steal Will's role in the club, especially since she bonds with his arch-rival Sue Sylvester, but the pair end up joining forces at the end of the episode. And, all's well. Apparently. I dunno, I've never watched the thing personally although I'm told it's pretty good. Paltrow is currently filming for a role in the big budget SF action-thriller Contagion, which is due out in the US next autumn.

The Simpsons' producers were not shy about featuring Katy Perry's assets in an upcoming episode of the show. The singer's appearance will hit back at Sesame Street bosses who cut a scene which she filmed for the children's TV show earlier this year because her outfit was considered to be 'too revealing.' In the Simpsons episode, Katy plays Elmo's girlfriend, but ditches him in favour of bartender Moe. She also gets to grips with Mr Burns in The Fight Before Christmas, clutching him to her chest during one scene. Well, we've all wanted to do it, be fair. And The Simpsons' producers were certainly not worried about Katy looking too raunchy, as she donned a rather revealing red rubber dress throughout the episode and during publicity photographs released this week. 'After Elmo's betrayal, The Simpsons stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Katy,' said producer Al Jean. The episode will air on 5 December in the US and uses puppets rather than live animation. Katy recently requested that her chest was downsized in VH1's Divas Salute the Troops adverts. The songstress took to Twitter to clarify that she had asked for the reduction rather than her managers, saying: 'I was the one who asked VH1 to tone down my digitized image on the poster, particularly the size of my chest. I don't have handlers.'

N-Dubz - and, nope, yer Keith Telly Topping still hasn't the faintest clue who they, actually, are although, seemingly, two of them wear very silly hats - have reportedly received a writ after cancelling two appearances on the ITV2 series Ghosthunting With... According to the Sun, the group have received an eighty four thousand pound bill from the show's production company Antix. The nine-page writ is said to include claims of six thousand pounds for the services of presenter and producer Yvette Fielding and over nine thousand pounds in hotel costs. The musicians are also reportedly being charged fourteen hundred pounds for loss of deposits at filming locations Chislehurst Caves and West Norwood Cemetery, three thousand pounds for a researcher and five hundred quid for food. Most of that for Yvette Fielding judging by the size of her these days. If N-Dubz had actually turned up and filmed the series, they would only have received a fee of one thousand pounds each. Meanwhile, band member Tulisa - she's the one who isn't wearing a silly hat, apparently - reportedly had a doctor's note explaining that she had 'exhaustion.' A spokesperson for the band said: 'They will fight this all the way.'

Channel Four has announced that it will broadcast a special edition of One Born Every Minute on Christmas Day. The Gruniad Morning Star reports that One Born At Christmas will include pre-recorded and live sections. A prime time show on Christmas Eve will introduce a number of expectant mothers and four hours of programming on Christmas Day will be devoted to the series. A special studio will be set up at Southampton's Princess Anne Hospital to document some births live as they happen. An interactive map called Gurgle Earth will allow viewers to post details of Christmas births around the country and people will be encouraged to contact the show with their stories. Meanwhile, a member of the medical staff at the hospital is expected to deliver the channel's alternative Christmas message despite previous suggestions that Dappy from N-Dubz had landed the role. Sanjay Singhal, the managing director of the show's production company Dragonfly, said: 'I can't remember the last time Channel Four gave over its Christmas Day schedule to a live factual event, so it's great to be working on such a bold and innovative production.'

Some sad news, now. Peter Christopherson has died aged fifty five. The musician, video director and designer, who played in a number of bands including Throbbing Gristle and Coil, died on Wednesday at his home in Bangkok. Born in Leeds in 1955, as a visual artist, Peter worked as member of the design agency Hipgnosis, creating iconic record sleeve artwork in the 1970's for turgid hippies-on-drugs like Led Zeppelin, Yes and Pink Floyd, plus, subsequently, for the much cooler Factory Records. 'I worked as a free-lance photographer and contributor, was promoted to an assistant to Hipgnosis, before becoming a partner, and continued to act also after I officially left the organization,' he once noted. 'My contributions ranged from attempted but rejected artwork or design work, to partial contribution in either/both as an assistant, to being fully responsible for all design and artwork, such as the Peter Gabriel LPs.' He also took some of the first promo photographs of the Sex Pistols and among other claims to fame, created a highly controversial window display for Malcolm McLaren and Vivienne Westwood's clothing shop, SEX in the mid 1970s. In 1976 Christopherson met Cosey Fanni Tutti, Chris Carter and Genesis P-Orridge and together they formed Throbbing Gristle and Industrial Records. The band, whose music was discordant and sometimes disturbing but always fascinating, was infamously described in the Daily Scum Mail by Tory MP Nicholas Fairbairn as 'the wreckers of civilisation.' After Throbbing Gristle split in 1981, Christopherson and Genesis P-Orridge formed the spin-off Psychic TV, who went on to release a huge body of work. Peter also played with another seminal industrial group, Coil, with his partner the late John Balance who died in 2004. Peter later worked extensively as a video director with artists as diverse as The The (shooting the celebrated promos for 'Infected' Heartland' and 'The Mercy Beat'), Erasure, Paul McCartney, Malc Almond, Rage Against the Machine and Van Halen. At his time of death, Christopherson was planning a new project, a cover version of Nico's 1970 LP Desertshore.

Well known turkey murderer Bernard Matthews has also died at the age of eighty, his firm said. The farmer and businessman - best known for his 'bootiful' catchphrase used in some of the very cheapest and nastiest TV adverts ever made - amassed a multi-million pound fortune through his vast poultry company and is widely credited with bringing cheap turkey meat to the masses. Not to mention drumsticks. So, I won't. In a statement on his company's website, chief executive Noel Bartram said: 'It is with a great deal of personal sadness that I confirm Bernard Matthews passed away on the afternoon of the 25 November. I have personally known Bernard Matthews for well over thirty years, and on behalf of myself and my fellow colleagues, I wish to express our great sorrow and extend our thoughts and sympathies to the family.' The Bernard Matthews empire began with a humble two pounds ten shillings investment in 1950 with twelve turkey eggs and an incubator in the heart of Norfolk. It grew into the biggest turkey processor in Europe.

And so we come to the latest of yer Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. And, it's yet another one from a time when the drugs, seemingly, did work. Let's face it, who doesn't fondly remember lurid yellow label with red edging?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Heavy!

Yer Keith Telly Topping was involved in his own, highly personal, remake of Nanook of the North this morning, dear blog reader, as he struggled through the first icy blasts of winter into work to created more radio magic for you. Bless. Now ... I like a bit of snow, normally. When it's deep and crisp and even and, especially, when I'm safely tucked-up in the house with the heating on full blast. And not stuck for forty minutes at a bus stop at the top end of Shields Road with damp feet and a force nine gale blowing up me Khyber Pass and waiting for a sixty two that never came. A journey which normally takes me about forty minutes tops (and that's with time for a change of bus) this morning was over an hour and three-quarters. And two changes of bus. Anyway ...

ITV has picked up a new drama series from the creators of Life On Mars and Ashes To Ashes. Matthew Graham and Ashley Pharoah will write every episode of Eternal Law, which focuses on two angels called Zak and Tom who are sent to earth to help a community and try to understand humanity. The show is set in York - lovely city- and follows Zak and Tom as they work as lawyers and try to persuade people to treat others well. However, the pair struggle to follow through with their plans because of the machinations of their sworn enemy, the dark angel Richard Pembroke. Meanwhile, Zak is recovering from falling in love with a human called Hannah the last time he was on Earth. The relationship is against all angelic law but Zak soon discovers that Hannah is now working for Richard. Sounds rather good. Depends on the casting, I suppose. The six-part series will be produced by Kudos, the production company behind both of Matty and Ashley's previous shows and, also, [spooks], Hustle and Law & Order: UK. Pharoah said: 'This idea has been a passion of ours for some years now and we always thought its natural home was ITV. To make it with our friends and partners at Kudos just makes it that much more exciting.' Looking forward to that one. Though it is, probably, worth mentioning at this point that Matthew and Ashley also created Bonekickers. So, they're clearly not infallible!

The BBC drama Sherlock was the big winner at this year's Royal Television Society Craft and Design Awards taking home three prizes. The show won best picture enhancement, best tape and film editing in a drama, and best original title music. Channel Four drama Misfits scooped two prizes while Dancing On Ice and EastEnders were also winners. The ceremony, which took place at London's Savoy Hotel, was hosted by the - alleged - comedy duo Dick and Dom. Misfits was honoured for best sound in a drama and best special effects. The live episode of EastEnders, broadcast in February to celebrate the soap's twenty fifth anniversary, scooped the trophy for best lighting and multi-camera work. The best digital effects award went to an episode from the last series of Doctor Who - The Pandorica Opens, see right - while Sky's adaptation of Terry Pratchett's Going Postal won prizes for best original score and best photography in a drama. Channel Four show Facejacker won twice, picking up the non-drama awards for costume design and make-up design. And best costume design for a drama went to BBC2's Worried About The Boy. Eddie Mansell, who has edited dramas such as The Street, Cracker and Cold Feet, was presented with the lifetime achievement award. A special award was also given to the production team behind Coronation Street.

'Though it did at times descend into the showbiz love-in suggested by the title, this Reunited still amounted to a rather superior slice of nostalgia,' noted Metro's Keith Watson concerning last night's excellent Fry & Laurie Reunited on G.O.L.D. This blogger agrees. I could have done with a bit more Stephen and Hugh and damn sight less Daniel Radcliffe, frankly. He's a 'fan', apparently. So what, you know, so are lots of people - doesn't mean they get dragged onto a documentary to talk about their fandom. Anyway ... 'You can't begrudge them their careers but their obvious on-screen chemistry did make you wonder about all the comedy sketches we've missed because they didn't stick together,' continued yer man Keith. 'Though it didn't always work – and Reunited had the decency to recall the long-forgotten Alfresco from 1983, a show beaten into a pulp by The Young Ones – Fry and Laurie set a standard for the comedy sketch duo that has rarely been matched since.' Damn straight, baby.

From a comedy duo who used to be funny twenty five years ago and still are - to Lenny Henry. Remember him, dear blog reader? He used to be funny twenty five years ago, but now? Nah, not so much. He is, however, to a new high-profile Saturday-night BBC1 entertainment show based around magic. Regulars on The Magicians will include Edinburgh Fringe stalwarts Barry and Stuart, as well as US sleight of hand artist Chris Korn and Portuguese illusionist Luis de Matos. Over five weeks, the three acts will perform in a competition, each staging an illusion with a celebrity partner. Confirmed guests include Chris Tarrant, Rolf Harris and N-Dubz. I have but one question to ask about N-Dubz? Who the fek are they? Because they never seem to be off my TV. Henry said: 'I've always been a fan of magic on the TV, from David Nixon to David Blaine, Penn and Teller to Paul Daniels, and the far too glamorous Debbie McGee. And the thing about me is that I don't want to know how it's done. You know the bloke with his jaw on the floor throughout most of the show? That will be me.' Barry and Stuart – whose credits include Channel Four's Dirty Tricks – said: 'The Magicians is the biggest and most ambitious show that we have ever been part of. We're going to bring the viewers of BBC1 some inventive, devious and jaw-dropping new magic that they will have never seen before.'

Fired Apprentice candidate Christopher Farrell confessed that his good nature let him down on the reality show. The former Royal Marine, whom Lord Alan Sugar-Sweetie axed on Wednesday night's episode, said that he refused to blame his teammate, Jamie Lester, in the boardroom because he didn't want to betray or back stab anybody. Lester and Farrell were held accountable for their team's downfall in the crisp flavour branding and sales task, after they postponed an appointment which they eventually lost to their rivals. Speaking about the incident on You're Fired!, Farrell said: 'It was just one of those things. We were in the car, I was on the phone and Jamie put his one finger up. The last thing you want to do is say, "Oh can you just wait a second, hang on what's this fellah got to say." I didn't want to come across as unprofessional and I just thought there must be a reason behind it, booked the one o'clock and unfortunately that was the downfall of the task.' He added: 'Jamie's a nice guy and one thing I said to myself is, "I'll go on the show and I'm never going to be someone trying to dobb other people in and get them in the shit basically." That was just the way I wanted to be.' Which, as a largely sympathetic Ed Byrne told him is, ultimately, why he deserved to get fired. Not for what he did or didn't do himself but for not grassing up the bloke who was actually responsible. Maybe Lord Sugar-Sweetie is right, maybe 'nice guys get nothing.' Sad, but this is the Twenty First Century.

X Factor's Wagner Carrilho has a secret past - as the singer with a Rolling Stones tribute band. The former PE teacher apparently spent a couple of months performing lead vocals with The Cloned Stones in pubs and clubs around the West Midlands weeks before auditioning for The X Factor. Footage of the singer performing with the Birmingham-based band has appeared on YouTube - where Wagner can be seen doing some of Sir Mick's trademark moves to the band's 1994 single 'You Got Me Rocking.' And, he makes a pretty good job of it, actually. He doesn't look much like The Jag but then, the guitarist doesn't look much like Keef either! The band has since posted the video on their official Facebook page, noting: 'When we had no lead singer, we had Wagner as a superb stand in!' A 'source' close to the singer said: 'He was with the band for a few months, and as the video shows, he's clearly having the time of his life. It will probably come as a bit of a surprise to people who know him - rock and roll is not usually the kind of music he likes to sing. He prefers to sing love songs and ballads - but he just loves to perform. He's a born entertainer and this proves that he's not just a flash in the pan, he's a serious contender for this year's X Factor.'

Angela Rippon - seen right with two former dance partners - has agreed to compete in the next series of Dancing On Ice, it has been reported. Rippon - who hosts Cash in the Attic - previously appeared on the judging panel of the ITV skating competition last year as a stand-in for regular judge Robin Cousins. An 'insider' allegedly suggested that Rippon's inclusion on the show may not go down well with her fellow competitors due to her previous experience on the programme. The 'source' is said to have told the Sun: 'This is like judge Dannii Minogue competing on The X Factor, or Arlene Phillips on Strictly Come Dancing.' Oh, can we have that please so Craig Revel Horwood can give the bitter old bag both barrels? 'She's got an unfair advantage.' Meanwhile, rumoured participant Kerry Katona is already said to have provoked a reaction from other celebrity contestants. 'They are jealous of the time she gets on the rink and the coaching,' the 'source' explained. This 'source' seems remarkably bitter. Tartar, one might suggest?

Former I'm A Z-List Former Celebrity ... contestants Nicola McLean and Janet Street Porter have both used appearances on the spin-off show Get Me Out Of Here Now to heap criticism, like so much kangaroo shit, on the head of Gillian McKeith for her antics in the jungle. The duo, who were guests on Caroline Flack's show, described McKeith as an attention seeker, nasty and manipulative. Speaking about the TV nutritionist's latest Fisherman's Fiend Bushtucker Trial with Dom Joly, McLean said: 'She was so unsupportive of Dom, it was really bad. She gave him nothing. It's not about her then. If she was supporting him, it would take the attention of her and she is that manipulative. She is that awful - she can't do it for a second.' The glamour model added: 'She thinks that she has close relationship with Stacey [Solomon]. But if that's how she treats people who she's close to, then that just shows how nasty she really is.' Porter commented: 'She thinks she's the person that has suffered more than everyone else and that the whole show revolves around her. Get a life! Her only close relationship is with her ego.' Which, coming from Janet Street Porter, God, that's really got to hurt!

McKeith, meanwhile, has revealed a smuggled stash of contraband items which she has been using in the jungle. McKeith managed to sneak the items past show security by carrying them in pouches in her knickers, she has confirmed. She managed to bring five sachets of miso soup, eight stock cubes, assorted bags of cumin, celery, garlic, rock salt and herbal seasoning. Speaking to producers, she said: 'I smuggled it all in my knickers. I have a small bottom and I just grew it a bit when I came in here. I had special pockets in my Marks & Spencer knickers. They are special knickers with secret pockets that I made myself with the purpose of smuggling seasoning in.' Right. But, doesn't that sort of prove once and for all that her whinging about allegedly not knowing what the show was all about until she got there was all a load of lies? She added: 'I feel very proud that I smuggled it all in. Do you think I was going to come in here without any flavour? You must be mad! What are you going to do, throw me to the lions? I feel like a naughty schoolgirl.' Rumours that a lion was being flown in specially for her to be thrown to cannot, at this time, be entirely discounted.

Yer super-soar away Sun have a twelve page pull out in Thursday's edition which - they claim - contains the Christmas TV schedules. Though it appears to be - mostly - guesswork and there's loads of 'To Be Announced' bits in it. But, for what it's worth suggest Christmas Day will be as follows:-
BBC1: 5:30 TBA. 6:30 TBA. 7:00 Doctor Who. 8:00 The One Ronnie. 9:00 The Royal Family. 10:00 TBA. (Yer Keith Telly Topping would, frankly, be astonished if any of that is correct. They've left no space for the two episodes of EastEnders, which - by prior agreement with ITV - will not be shown opposite either Corrie or Emmerdale, and also the Christmas Strictly Come Dancing special. Personally, I fully expect Doctor Who to be on between six and seven, opposite Emmerdale. As usual.)
ITV: 6:00 Emmerdale. 7:00 Corrie. 8:00 The Cube. 9:00 Benidorm (a schedule which has, already, been confirmed).
BBC2: 6:30 TBA. 8:30 Eric & Ernie. 9:30 Morecambe & Wise (documentary fronted by Victoria Wood). Probably all wrong, of course. Certainly their suggested BBC1 line-up appears to be way off target.
Christmas Eve schedules, they suggest, are:-
BBC1: 8:00 EastEnders. 8:30 Qi. 9:00 TBA. 10:00 News. 10:15 Graham Norton
ITV: 7:00 Emmerdale. 7:30 Corrie. 8:00 You've Been Framed Christmas. 8:30 Corrie. 9:00 Come Rain Come Shine (David Jason/Alison Steadman comedy drama)
BBC2: 8:00 TBA. 9:00 Ruth Jones' Totally Unfunny Christmas Cracker. 10:00 Shooting Stars
And, for Boxing Day, they are alleging it'll be:-
BBC1: 5:00 TBA (but whatever it is they're expecting it to last four hours!) 9:00 Rock & Chips. 10:00 News. 10:15 Match of the Live
ITV: 6:25 The Mummy. 8:30 Harry's Hill's Christmas TV Burp. 9:00 Poirot (Murder on the Orient Express)
BBC2: 8:00 Top Gear Three Wise Men Special. 9:00 Cinderella. 10:00 TBA. 11:00 Never Mind The Buzzcocks. 11:30 An Education. Make of all that what you will, dear blog reader!

Michael L Brea has reportedly been charged with second degree murder and criminal possession of a weapon. TMZ reports that the actor, who had starred in Ugly Betty and Step Up 3D, was charged after being taken into custody in the early hours of Tuesday morning. Brea is alleged to have stabbed his mother, Yanick, to death in her apartment in Brooklyn, and was initially taken for a psychiatric evaluation after emergency service personnel attended the scene. The thirty one-year-old had no previous criminal convictions and no reports of domestic violence or disturbances had been recorded prior.

Amber Tamblyn has revealed that she has loved working on House. Tamblyn joined the show this season as medical student Martha Masters. 'It's been a dream come true,' she told the New York Post. 'Coming into a well-oiled machine that everyone still loves working on is great.' She continued: 'Hugh [Laurie] never does the same take twice. He's unpredictable, charming, and makes me feel safe to experiment with choices. It was great to hit the ground running and know that I'll be running for a while.'

Lisa Snowdon has been diagnosed with viral meningitis. The radio DJ and former Strictly contestant was taken to hospital just hours after she attended two different public functions. A 'source' allegedly told the Sun: 'It all happened very quickly. Lisa started to feel poorly when she turned on the Bond Street Christmas lights in London. She hosted an awards ceremony later and began to feel really peaky. She was feeling so weak when she arrived at the hospital she was on the verge of collapse.' A 'friend' also allegedly told the Daily Scum Mail: 'Lisa was feeling rotten for a good few days. She had flu symptoms, major aches and pains and a migraine.' Snowdon - who presents Capital Radio's breakfast show with Johnny Vaughan - has not yet been discharged from hospital but is believed to be on the road to recovery. 'Lisa's unlikely to be returning to the breakfast show next week as well,' the friend added. 'She is now on the mend, but she's still in hospital. The doctors have warned her this takes a long while to recover from.' Saturdays singer Frankie Sandford is currently standing in for Snowdon on her morning radio show.

Rory Bremner has reportedly parted company with Channel Four. According to the Daily Telegraph, the impressionist complained that members of the current coalition government are too difficult to impersonate. The forty nine-year-old claimed he would not be returning to Channel Four because 'there are simply no politicians in the new government that anybody recognises. That does make life a bit trickier for me. I don't think my life would be significantly poorer if I don't impersonate Nick Clegg,' he added. 'Life is short enough without sitting up night after night listening to tapes of him.' And before the election, he said: 'It's no wonder the Tory Party opposed identity cards, since so many of them struggle to find an identity at all.' Bremner's friend Jemima Khan told the Chortle website: 'Apparently, Channel Four have dropped Rory Bremner. We need more political satire, not less.' However, Bremner himself has suggested that it was his own choice to leave and explained that he wants to spend more time with his family. 'Honestly, I'm not coming back because there are simply no politicians in the new government that anybody recognises. I am more relaxed at home in Scotland and my children are of an age where I want us as a family to spend more time up here.' A spokesperson for Channel Four said: 'We will be in discussions with Rory in the New Year.'

CSI creator Anthony Zuiker is reportedly developing a new crime drama for CBS. Desperado is being pitched as a modern-day Western, according to The Hollywood Reporter. The show will follow a team of San Antonio police officers who take their inspiration from the Wild West when solving crimes and dealing with outlaws. Zuiker will executive produce the project alongside Matthew Weinberg. Writer Kyle Ward, currently working on the sequel to 2007 video game adaptation Hitman, will script the pilot and serve as a third executive producer. Zuiker is also working with CBS on new spy drama Treadstone and has returned to the CSI writing staff for the show's current, eleventh, season.

The director general of the BBC claimed this week he had been placed under pressure to broadcast government advertising, threatening the independence of the BBC. Defending his role in the recent negotiation of the licence fee, Mark Thompson said the Coalition Government had proposed that the BBC should carry state advertising and confirmed that it was asked to fund the free licence fees of the over-seventy fives, which it seemingly refused to undertake. Speaking to the Voice of the Listener and Viewer conference, Thompson added 'there was the suggestion the BBC should take on the responsibility for broadcasting some of the material commissioned and generated by the Central Office of Information, in other words government advertising.' He described the proposal as 'a fundamental and wholly unacceptable attack on the BBC and one we'd fight tooth and nail.'

Channel Four chairman Lord Burns has expressed concern about government legislation which he fears could threaten the broadcaster's independence. What, another one? Currently going through parliament, the Public Bodies Bill proposes giving ministers the power to reform, merge or abolish quango organisations. Even though Channel Four is not directly affected by the bill, it is included on a list of institutions that could be subject to greater government control in the future, reports the Gruniad Morning Star. Speaking about the bill at a Voice of the Listener and Viewer conference in London, Burns said: 'We don't like it. It is a mistake and one which I hope will be corrected.' He added: 'Channel Four has up until now been dealt with through acts of parliament with a great deal of debate and consultation, and I am very resistant to the idea that it should be capable of being adjusted with a very cursory process. I suspect [the bill] will struggle to survive, but if it does survive Channel Four along with a number of other bodies is one that should not be on it.' Should the bill be made law, Burns said that there was a danger it could be used to influence Channel Four's editorial policy in the future. 'You don't want to think because you are making a programme on MPs' expenses then all of a sudden [Channel Four is threatened with reform],' he said. However, he dismissed any suggestion that the legislation could ultimately lead to the broadcaster being privatised. 'I don't think there's any appetite for that. In terms of Channel Four, what this bill does is give powers to fast-track changes [to its governance and structure],' he said. 'Broadcasting is one of those things that requires a lot of care and attention and consultation. You should not be able to make rapid changes without going through due process. It is a strange piece of legislation and I am discomfited by it.' In June, Burns vowed that Channel Four would remain financially independent in the future without the need for a government subsidy.

Max Clifford has reportedly signed himself up to represent Katie Waissel's grandmother Sheila Vogel-Coupe. The publicist confirmed that the eighty one-year-old who features in the adult film Freddie's Great British Granny Bang - is now his client, Press Association reports. A spokeswoman for Clifford said: 'Sheila is a delightful woman. She has been inundated with media offers which are all being considered. One thing she wants to make clear is that what she does is nothing to do with Katie.' Vogel has also publicly criticised her family after they confronted her over her job as a porn actress. She claimed that Katie had been 'vicious and vile' towards her and that her daughter, Diana, had called her 'a fucking whore.' A clip from Freddie's Great British Granny Bang reportedly starring Vogel-Coupe - under the stage name Ceceila Bird - will air this Saturday on the adult channel Red Hot 40+. For everybody that's got a subscription, that is. Vogel-Coupe has also claimed that X Factor boss Simon Cowell can avail himself of the services she provides 'whenever he wants.' She told the Sun that she has been disowned by her family since it was revealed that she, allegedly, works as a prostitute. 'I love what I do,' she said. 'I love sex. I work as a prostitute because I love it. It gives me great satisfaction and keeps me young. I could go on for years yet. Why should I stop?' Errr... dignity? Just a wild stab in the dark there. Speaking about her clients, Vogel-Coupe said: 'I've had a few celebrity clients but I would never say who they were. They worked in the music industry and TV and things. I like to make men happy and content.'

CBS is reportedly developing a new half-hour sitcom with The Daily Show writer Tim Carvell. The project has received a script order from the network, according to New York Magazine. The potential series will follow a thirty two-year-old man who begins to notice his age when his younger sister takes up a position at his company. Carvell has worked on The Daily Show since 2004 and also appeared on The Late Show with David Letterman in 2008. Former ER actor Anthony Edwards will executive produce the as-yet-untitled pilot via his production company Grand Central Entertainment.

Meanwhile, on today's Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day we continue our search through the grubby corners of the archives with even more compelling evidence that there was, indeed, some damned queer shit going down in the early 1970s. As dear auld Whispering Bob Harris said on The Old Grey Whistle Test after a really memorable nine-minute plus performance of this here epic, 'H-amazing!!!' Play that funky portable synthesizer loud, young man! Pass the valium. Pass out.

And, as an extra special bonus, simply because I like the cut of yer jib dear blog reader, we'll have one more from the same period. 'Every great album has a biker's song,' The Jesus and Mary Chain once noted. So, how come nobody's ever thought about doing a cover version of 'Riding Free,' music by David Whitaker, lyrics by John Worth, performed by Harvey Andrews in the 1972 British horror movie Pyshcomania? 'He really got it on/He drove that sweet machine just like a bomb.' Okay, maybe there is a reason. What we got instead - as one of the few artefacts to emerge from a movie so gloriously and apocalyptically awful that it deserves to be stuffed and mounted on the plinth in Trafalgar Square is this. The score for the movie, by Kes composer John Cameron, is, as with much in this film, very of-the-era. Lots of choppy Shaft guitars and power chords, demented flute solos, backward tapes and Hammond organ riffs. The main theme ('Witch Hunt') was - as you can see above - released as a single in early 1973 on the Jam label. Copies of the original release are now apparently worth in excess of two hundred smackers. Psychomania's music is credited to Frog, a band made up of some of the finest British jazz session musicians of the era. Record Collector noted that 'the music is hot. Imagine Beelzebub on an episode of The Sweeney!' In 2003, the film's entire soundtrack was finally released on CD, by Trunk Records, in a beautifully lurid cover. 'My recollections are a bit blurred,' Cameron told Uncut in an interview to publicise the release. 'Hell, it was the 70s!' Incidentally, if you've never seen Don Sharp's Psychomania, dear blog reader, there is a significant - motorcycle-shaped - hole in your lives that, frankly, needs filling. Where else, but Britain during that era, could you find a cast of such exceptional quality camping it up in what is, in effect, Night of the Living Dead Psychedelic Bikers? It's, as Mojo once noted, a major contender for the most ridiculous movie ever made. And, therefore, it's easily one of the most interesting, precisely because of that. A hilariously incompetent, rather sanguine, piece of trash-horror, for many of the wrong reasons (see also contemporaries like Tower of Evil and Dracula AD 1972) it has managed to acquire for itself a genuine cult status - and not an entirely undeserved one either. Psychomania's peculiar quasi-comedy structure reaps some anarchic rewards if you stick with it and put up with the logical stupidity of the piece and the inane dialogue. George Sanders - in one of his last movie roles - Robert Hardy and Beryl Reid look as out of place in this environment as it is possible to be and Mary Larkin is completely wasted as the film's rather drippy love interest. But the rest of the young biker gang are very impressive (Nicky Henson, in particularly) and the whole thing rattles along at a furious pace with a well-aimed knee to the groin of the older generation. 'The body count is huge – gang members bump themselves off and kill what must amount to most of the town, including every policeman who gets in their way,' noted the reviewer at the British Horror website. 'Favourite bit: Two gang members ride their bikes into the police station. A woman on her way out of the building asks politely: "Shall I close the door?" to which the policeman on the desk (Doctor Who's Sergeant Benton) replies: "Yes please, love." Sheer class!' The Wicker Man, it isn't. But it'll give you far more laughs!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Keep Them Freaks A-Rollin'

The Doctor and his companion Amy Pond – Matt Smith and Karen Gillan – will be swapping the TARDIS for DJ decks during a special guest slot on Radio 1 over the Christmas period. The duo are among a host of celebrities taking on guest-presenting slots over the festive period, as part of the BBC station's Top Tens of 2010. Smug, unfunny Gavin and Stacey co-creator James Corden will have the first slot at 7am on Christmas Eve, setting the stage for Matt and Karen's slot at 8am. Tinie Tempah will then take over between 9am and 10am. The idea then continues on Boxing Day between 7am and 4pm, with Pixie Lott, Plan B, Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger and N-Dubz all taking turns on da microphone. Regular Radio1 DJs won't be shirking their duties over the Christmas period, with Fearne Cotton set to present a show from her own home on 23 December and Greg James hosting the breakfast show on Christmas Day, before allowing viewers their fifteen minutes on the air during The Tinsel Takeover. In addition to their DJ slot, Doctor Who fans will be able to catch Matt and Karen in character as the timelord stars in his very own take on Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. The Doctor Who Christmas special also features Harry Potter actor Michael Gambon and opera singer Katherine Jenkins in her first acting role.

London commuters got a bit of a nasty shock on their way into the office on Wednesday morning. As a group of Cybermen had invaded the city, marching through St Paul's and the London Underground. The stunt was to celebrate the launch of an interactive themed adventure and exhibition opening in the capital in February 2011. The metal monsters recreated a very familiar scene from the famous 1968 Patrick Troughton story The Invasion, posing on St Peter's Steps in front of St Paul's Cathedral. They later took to the Tube to celebrate the launch of the Doctor Who Experience - a fully interactive themed adventure and exhibition which will open at London's Olympia Two early next year. The show's executive producer The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other Gods Before He) said: 'The Doctor Who Experience is a fan's dream come true - a fully interactive adventure that will allow viewers of the show to get as close as possible to some of the scariest monsters from the series. It will also be the first time that Doctor Who artefacts from all the show's forty seven-year history - classic and new - will be on display together, many of them being seen for the first time. And never mind that, this is the day the Doctor teaches you how to fly the TARDIS through time and space, and takes you into battle with all his deadliest enemies in a brand new adventure.'

Stacey Solomon was reduced to tears after a blazing row with Gillian McKeith in the I'm A Z-List Former Celebrity jungle. As if McKeith wasn't the most unpopular woman in the country already, now she's only been and gone and upset our Queen of Hearts. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you? The former X Factor contestant challenged McKeith over her dramatic reactions to the show's trials and challenges. Solomon asked why the self-professed healthy-eating guru didn't quit if she was really in as much distress as she had previously claimed, saying: 'You are on telly and you are fainting, you're fainting in front of your children, no amount of money is worth that.' McKeith replied: 'I have a television career and if I walk out on my contract I will not work in television again. That's the way it works.' So, your real phobia is 'not being on telly', it would seem, alleged 'doctor' Gillian? Yeah, that sounds about right for the majority of contestants on this particular show. Alison Hammond interjected: 'That's not true Gillian, after what you've been through you'll work for the rest of your life, I'm telling you now.' McKeith defended her decision to stay, and rounded on Solomon. 'You're the classic person who doesn't understand what a fear is versus a phobia. You don't understand phobia, it's like taking a person who can't swim and throwing them in ten feet of water and saying, "Off you go, see if you can swim."' Solomon retorted: 'No, because that's a chance of death. Honestly Gill, if your phobia is that intense and that bad and you're having to get up and deal with it everyday. It's hard for us to hear it as well.' After being told to 'go back over there' by bossy-boots McKeith, Solomon broke down in tears, telling Linford Christie: '[The argument was] my fault, I shouldn't say anything, it's none of my business, I don't understand.' Oh, blimey. Drama queens. The jungle's full of them! Christie said: 'No you have a right, she's not sick. You're an honest person so you told her, don't let it upset you.'

Meanwhile, I'm A Z-List Former Celebrity Desperate To Get My Face On TV ... Please Vote For Me To Stay Here As Long As Possible, I'll Even Eat Worms If You Want! bosses are said to have become so fed up with McKeith's eccentric behaviour and antics that they have decided to rule her out of all future bushtucker trials, tabloid reports suggest. It comes after the alleged food nutritionist apparently claimed that she was pregnant in order to get out of the jungle jail. And, although show bosses were aware the fifty one-year-old was 'clearly joking' it appears that it may have been the final straw. McKeith has been consistently chosen to take part in the celebrity trials but has repeatedly either refused to even attempt the tasks or fainted while doing them. 'Producers have decided that enough is enough. Gillian is beginning to make a mockery of the whole show,' a 'source' allegedly told the Daily Mirror. Beginning to? What the hell have you been watching for the last fortnight, pal? 'Her refusal to take part is spoiling the trials for fans,' the source allegedly continued. 'Obviously viewers are enjoying watching Gillian squirm because they keep voting for her, but now she has started to completely refuse to try, which ruins the programme. Gillian could throw the whole series into crisis, so we've had to give her a sick note.' McKeith's camp mates have become increasingly frustrated with her and suggested that she is faking her phobias and ailments in order to get herself maximum publicity.

Kate Garraway has admitted that she does not understand why Gillian McKeith signed up for I'm A Celebrity ... Personally, I don't understand why Kate Garraway accepted the humiliation of being replaced by Christine Bleakley and then accepting the 'reduced' role of 'entertainment editor' on Daybreak, but there you go. Garraway, someone never short or an opinion on pretty much anything, claimed that it was 'karma' for the You Are What You Eat host to take part in the bushtucker trials. 'It never ceases to amaze me when people go on reality shows and claim they had no idea what they’d let themselves in for,' Garraway wrote in New magazine. 'Gillian McKeith is a prime example. What on earth did she think she'd be doing on I'm A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here!? Having a manicure?' Garraway continued: 'I find it funny that she can't cope with eating all the weird stuff, given that she forced people on her show to eat stuff they found repulsive.'

X Factor judges Louis Walsh and Dannii Minogue have reportedly complained to Simon Cowell over the 'preferential treatment' being given to Cheryl Cole's acts. The pair are said to be annoyed and in outright mutiny by the alleged favouritism shown to Cher Lloyd, Katie Waissel and Rebecca Ferguson, and have told Cowell that things need to change. According to the Daily Lies, Walsh and Minogue were further angered when Cole arrived at rehearsals in a Rolls-Royce - while they use so-called 'ordinary cars.' Other complaints have apparently included that Cole receives the best styling and that her acts receive the best performance slots in the live show's running order. 'It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see Cheryl's acts are getting the best slots,' an 'insider' allegedly told the paper. 'Over the last couple of weeks both Dannii and Louis have been concerned about where their most vulnerable acts - Paije, Wagner and Mary - sit in the Saturday line up. They've been in what everyone calls the "graveyard" slots at the start of the show where viewers are most likely to forget their performances. Louis raised his concerns with Simon but was told to "lump it."' However, an X Factor spokeswoman said: 'The order in which acts perform varies each week. None of the finalists are shown preferential treatment, with each of them getting their chance to shine on the stage.'

Apparently, Wagner Carrilho is to perform Radiohead's 'Creep' on this weekend's X Factor, it has been reported. Interesting lyrical choice given some of his reported antics in da house.

The BBC are to pilot a new Saturday entertainment show fronted by Lee Mack. The stand-up comedian will record a trial episode of Lee Mack's All Star Cast next month, which - if successful - will then be commissioned as a prime-time series for Saturday nights on BBC1 in 2011. The format will see Mack performing stand-up and sketches to a live studio audience with the help of star guests, including Catherine Tate. The show will also feature a guest stand-up slot, and live music. The programme is being billed as 'the new BBC1 Saturday night show where everyone's a star,' as volunteers from the audience will be invited to take part in the big end-of-show sketch alongside the established comedy stars. So, the BBC have tried to make John Bishop into a Saturday night 'all round entertainer,' now it's Lee Mack's turn. Jason, I'm telling you, if only you'd stayed off Twitter for a few weeks, this gig could've been yours, baby. Lee Mack's All Star Cast is being developed by Zeppotron, the production company behind Would I Lie To You?, the panel show on which Mack is a regular team captain - and, very good he is in it too. It has been known for some time that Mack has been looking to produce a mainstream entertainment show. He said earlier in the year: 'I'm trying to get my own variety series off the ground, which I'm doing a pilot for. It's early doors and I don't know what it is yet, but basically it's a variety show with a bit of stand-up and sketches.'

Craig Revel Horwood has claimed that he wasn't amused by Ann Widdecombe's samba routine on last weekend's Strictly Come Dancing. Although, seemingly the vast majority of the rest of the country was. Yer Keith Telly Topping's with Horwood, admittedly, but then, I always ten to back losers. The judge, who gave Widdecombe a mark of but one for her routine, said that the only people who should have found her performance funny were children. Well, that's a great idea, Craig, diss your audience. 'There's nothing at all funny about it, unless you want to see Big Bird slobbering around the dance floor,' he told It Takes Two. 'It might be funny for children. I want to see her dancing a bit more and that just didn't do it for me.' Horwood also revealed that he came close to a big row with head judge Len Goodman on Saturday night over disagreements on Matt Baker and Kara Tointon's routines. He claimed that he 'loved' Baker's acrobatic finale and described Tointon's American Smooth as 'spanking.' Please don't use Kara Tointon and that word in the same sentence, matey, it'll only give people ideas. Discussing Goodman's criticisms of both celebrities, Horwood added: 'If I'd had more time I'd have a massive argument with him.' But, fortunately, he didn't.

Jill Halfpenny has promised to strip naked in public if Ann Widdecombe wins Strictly Come Dancing. The former EastEnders actress, who won the second series of the BBC ballroom show, claimed that viewers would eventually opt for the best dancers rather than Widdecombe's comedy. 'When it comes to the crunch the public will finally go, "Okay, we've had our fun now,"' she told the Sun. 'If Ann Widdecombe wins Strictly Come Dancing I promise I'll pose nude in the High Street.' She added: 'When the key turning point arrives - and the public have to vote for the most gifted contestants - true talent will win through.'

It became famous for Kirsty Young perching on her desk, but Channel Five News looks set for another kind of radical revolution with new channel owner Richard Desmond wanting to stamp his mark on its news programmes. The media mogul behind OK! magazine and adult television programmes such as Wobbling Whoppers 2 is looking at ending current news provider Sky News's nine million pound per year contract early and creating a populist, new-look bulletin. What more populist than Sky News? Seriously? Who the hell do you want reading it, Pixie Lott? Desmond, who also owns the Daily Express and the Daily Lies, wants greater personal control over the Channel Five News bulletins, and has asked a group of news producers to provide a team of journalists to help make the daily programmes. Over the last few weeks executives at Desmond's Northern & Shell have asked ITN, the producer of ITV News, Question Time maker Mentorn, and US news channel CNN to draw up alternatives to the Sky-produced service. Sky has also been asked to submit ideas, but the Rupert Murdoch-controlled satellite broadcaster is not thought likely to retain the contract. Details are sketchy, but sources close to the negotiations said they expected the new-look Five News to shift 'downmarket' with a heavy emphasis on celebrity stories. What, more downmarket than Sky News? Who the hell do you want reading it, Katie Price and the Newsbunny? Desmond bought Channel Five earlier this year and has moved quickly to make his mark. This autumn it is understood he asked, on the advice of his partner Joy, that magazine show Live From Studio Five presenters Kate Walsh and Jayne Middlemiss wear short skirts on air. He wants to exploit the existing relationships that OK! and the Express have with celebrities by giving them regular exposure on the television channel. But full details of his new schedule will not be unveiled until January. Industry sources say another driving force behind the decision is that Desmond is 'not exactly ecstatic' that the news on his channel is made by his rival Rupert Murdoch's operation. Desmond's Northern & Shell company is examining the feasibility of buying Sky out of the deal, although one insider said Channel Five would have to pay a huge amount to end it early. Sky's and Desmond's lawyers have been examining Sky News's contract, which runs until 2012. It is understood Sky is currently paid around nine million quid a year to supply news to Five, plus Live From Studio Five. Desmond wants to cut costs long-term at Channel Five, which last year lost thirty four million pounds. In August he unveiled a twenty million pound cost-cutting drive that led to between sixty and eighty job losses – a quarter of the almost three hundred employees. Despite his pledge to top up the total budget to about one and a half billion pounds over the next five years, including new investment of fifty million to one hundred million pounds a year, more staff have since chosen to leave, including newsreader Natasha Kaplinsky, who announced her departure last month. Since he bought the broadcaster in July for one hundred and three million smackers, Desmond has been keen to cross-promote his media interests, with a number of articles in the Daily Express and the Daily Lies praising Channel Five shows. Including, memorably - and ludicrously - the description of flop talent contest Don't Stop Believing as 'the show everyone's talking about.' But, nobody was actually watching. His newspapers are well-known for running favourable, brown-tongued stories about what a thoroughly great chap Desmond is. (And, what a massive knob he's rumoured to have. Allegedly.) It remains to be seen if Channel Five News will be asked to include similar items in future. Perhaps including the phrase 'Our Great and Nenevolent, Glorious Leader.' Or some such. Commons culture, media and sport committee chairman John Whittingdale said he did not in principle object to Channel Five's news being more celebrity-driven if it meant the channel survived, but said it must keep to its public service obligations, overseen by media regulator Ofcom. Because, of course, the idea of a Conservative MP criticising the owner of the Daily Express, well, that's so likely, isn't it? Whittingdale said: 'Richard Desmond has the freedom to produce a station that's economically viable. If he wants to do something slightly different then that's fine, but there are still some obligations. There's obviously an impartiality obligation on news and if he were to use it to project his other commercial enterprises then that would be a matter of concern and for Ofcom.' Northern & Shell's efficiency drive and business approach has ruffled the feathers of some of Channel Five's programme suppliers. It recently made a payment of nearly one million pounds to Shine, Elisabeth Murdoch's production company, to settle a dispute over an unpaid bill for previously mentioned flop talent show Don't Stop Believing. Because, one can never, in all honesty, used that phrase too much. Stan Myerson, Northern & Shell's joint managing director, recently revealed that it is looking at overhauling payments to independent producers making shows for Channel Five, introducing more of a performance-related element to deals. A Channel Five spokesman confirmed that the broadcaster was talking to other potential suppliers for its news programmes. 'We have put our news out to tender. Sky and other suppliers have been invited to come back with proposals and we will consider each in turn in due course,' he said. However, the spokesman denied Channel Five was looking to end Sky's contract early. 'In the meantime, Sky remains our current news supplier until the end of 2012 when the contract expires.'

Lives will be lost in Emmerdale in the New Year when a massive fire causes terror and tragedy, it has been announced. The storyline will see a blaze rip through a row of cottages in the heart of the village in some of the soap's most spectacular scenes ever. Although, probably not as good as the plane crash. Show bosses have confirmed that at least two characters will die in the inferno, although the identities of the casualties will be kept closely under wraps until transmission. Betty Eagleton (Paula Tilbrook), Chas Dingle (Lucy Pargeter) and Gennie Walker (Sian Reese-Williams) are three of the villagers who have been named as possible victims of the flames in early speculation by the ill-informed. Brenda Walker (Lesley Dunlop) and Terry Woods (Billy Hartman) will also be in danger when the fire spreads to their home, while Viv Hope (Deena Payne) is another show favourite whose life may be left on the line. Or, possibly not. Perhaps we'll never care. In a further twist, the aftermath of the blaze will see the distressing discovery that the fire was no accident. As the survivors mourn the dead, they must deal with the disturbing realisation that an arsonist has struck and could be among them. Speaking of the storyline, Emmerdale's series producer Gavin Blyth commented: 'This is going to be one of the most dramatic and tragic events ever to rock Emmerdale and no-one will be untouched by the fire's devastating consequences. The whole village will be thrown together for these gripping and heart-wrenching episodes which will launch us into an unmissable 2011.'

Dappy has revealed that he will deliver this year's alternative Christmas message on Channel Four. The N-Dubz rapper declared that his speech will be 'real and relevant' to young people, innit, according to the Sun. Since 1993, Channel Four has broadcast a speech from a celebrity or political figure at the same time as the Queen's traditional Christmas message was going out on the BBC and ITV. Previous speakers have included Ali G, Jamie Oliver, Sharon Osbourne and Marge Simpson as well as, more controversially, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Dappy said: 'We thought it would be cool to do a special Christmas message to rival the Queen's speech but I'll be giving a very different take on things to Her Majesty. I'm going to be talking about things that matter to young people today, keeping it real and relevant.' And all that. Innit? Pineapple Dance Studios' Louie Spence will also present his own alternative Queen's speech on Sky1.

Modern television services are creating a generation of 'active' viewers and making people much more social, a landmark new report has claimed. The Joy of Sets study, conducted by satellite TV platform Freesat in association with media psychologist Dr Brian Young, revealed that more than a third of people are spending up to five hours a week talking about their favourite programmes with friends. The research, using a sample of more than two thousand people, also found that TV is changing lives, with eighty per cent of respondents being inspired by TV shows to take up a new hobby, eighty five per cent to travel to different parts of the world and fifty five per cent to consider a career change. Among the men surveyed, one in five said that they had found a new girlfriend due to a shared interest in TV. Under the still tough economic climate in the UK, nearly a third of respondents said that they were watching up to fifty per cent more programming. Some three quarters of people believe that catch-up TV services, such as BBC iPlayer, enable them to live full and active social lives as they are not 'slave[s] to TV schedules.' Catch-up platforms were used by almost two thirds of all respondents to spend more quality time with friends and family without the fear of missing their favourite shows. They claim. A similar number allege that on-demand TV has made them more discerning about what they watch, while forty one per cent used the services to keep track of programmes while away on holiday. Interestingly, more than half of consumers said that emerging TV technologies such as IPTV, mobile and tablet computers would be unlikely to change their physical viewing habits, while seventy three per cent claimed that watching TV on the living room screen would always beat the handheld viewing experience. However, half of viewers wanted more from TV services in the future, including 'cloud technology' to act as automatic schedulers, providing recommendations and creating bespoke schedules. In the next twenty years, eighty one per cent of those surveyed expected to be watching high definition television, compared with just a third for 3D. Dr Young said that there has been a rise of the 'active TV consumer,' with catch-up TV platforms and PVR services enabling users to do other things. He said that active viewers are now talking about TV more than ever on social media sites, such as Facebook and Twitter, meaning TV is having 'a greater influence' on their everyday lives. 'It's having such a great impact, in fact, that it's now apparent from this research that TV is changing lives in drastic ways - from career changes to embarking on new travels,' he added. 'TV will always have an important role to play in society. The increasing adoption of digital media will continue to shape our relationship with the TV set in the future. Its role and socialising influences will continue to evolve and adapt as channels and TV service providers jostle in the marketplace to introduce new services and innovations.' Emma Scott, the managing director of Freesat, added: 'Freesat now provides subscription free satellite TV to one and a half million customers so it is important that we gain a greater understanding of the power of what people are watching. The influence of TV is greater than ever, and with that brings a greater responsibility on broadcasters and TV services to provide quality programming and choice that viewers don't have to pay a high price for, particularly in these tough economic times.' Last week, a report by Thinkbox revealed that the majority of on-demand viewing is done by people catching up on missed TV shows, casting doubt on the supposed death of the linear schedule.

Whilst his former band mate hangs out in the jungle with that dreadful McKeith woman, ex-Happy Mondays and Black Grape dancer Bez has reportedly been arrested at London's Euston Station. The forty six-year-old, real name Mark Berry, has been wanted by police since 4 November over allegations relating to a former conviction. BBC News reports that Bez was arrested by officers from the British Transport Police and charged with breach of a restraining order and trespass on a railway. When they threatened to 'call the calls' Bez was heard to respond 'I was the dancer, man, it's Shaun you want!' A Transport Police spokesman said: 'Mark Berry has been charged with breach of a restraining order and trespass on a railway. He has also been given a warning under the Harassment Act 1997.' The former Celebrity Big Brother winner is due to appear before Manchester City Magistrates' Court on Wednesday.

BBC local radio is to feel the effect of the corporation-wide budget squeeze with some afternoon programmes to be shared by neighbouring stations in a bid to put more resources into prime time morning shows. Five local stations in Yorkshire and the south-east of England are to take part in the six-month networking trial beginning next month. The BBC's English regions controller, David Holdsworth, said: 'We need more production effort and we know that there simply isn't any more money available to allow us to add extra people onto the payroll.' Money saved from sharing the afternoon programmes will be pumped into the stations' breakfast and mid-morning shows. BBC local radio stations have suffered declining audiences in recent years and the corporation's strategy review published earlier this year called for 'more quality and originality' and better local journalism. The three Yorkshire stations – BBC Radio Leeds, BBC Radio York and BBC Radio Sheffield – will share a drive time show fronted by Liz Green. Two south-east stations – BBC Radio Kent and BBC Sussex and Surrey – will have an afternoon show presented by Dominic King. Holdsworth told staff: 'When the BBC published its strategy review in the spring we said that our main aim was to strengthen content and journalism at breakfast and mid-mornings by spending more on those programmes. We have made good progress but resources are finite and we are looking at the impact of reducing the amount of other local output to free up enough people and time to improve these morning shows where the biggest audiences tune in.' Holdsworth added: 'Rest assured, we are not reducing the budgets of these stations, but we are re-organising in order to re-direct some people effort. The BBC's local and regional radio stations had an average weekly reach of nine million listeners in the third quarter of this year, the latest period for which listening figures are available, a nine per cent share of the audience, up from eight and a half million a year ago but down from almost ten million, a near eleven per cent audience share, five years ago.

EMI has sold more than four hundred and fifty thousand Beatles LPs via Apple's iTunes store in the seven days since the band's entire back catalogue was made available to download digitally. The music company said two million Beatles singles have also been downloaded. An EMI insider described it as 'a pretty amazing achievement.' Despite that success, however, only one song – 'Hey Jude' – reached the British Top Forty on Sunday. Take That's first CD since Robbie Williams rejoined the group, Progress, sold just under five hundred and twenty thousand copies in all formats – digital and CD – to make Number One this week. It was the quickest-selling CD for thirteen years, since Oasis' Be Here Now in 1997. The two best-known Beatles greatest hits compilations – 1962-1966 (The Red Album) and 1967-1970 (The Blue Album) – were the only complete Beatles LPs to chart in the UK. There was an expectation that the group would dominate the charts, particularly after The X Factor dedicated its show on Saturday to Beatles song. Industry observers have said the back catalogue may have fared better in charts terms if they had staggered the digital releases rather than putting the entire Beatles output on iTunes simultaneously. EMI and Apple Corps struck a deal with Apple to finally make Beatles tunes available on iTunes last week.

And, lastly for today's Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, yet another apocalyptically good single from the early 1970s and from yet another popular beat combo who looked like a bunch of long-haired hippy-drug-hero freak-weirdoes but were, in fact, punk in pretty much everything from their attitude to their politics. A pair of orange crushed velvet Dan Dares, baby, can be easily forgiven when you make singles like this!'I wanna hear it! I wanna hear it! I wanna hear it!' Yeah. What a pity they never released the epic 'There's No Vibrations, But Wait ...' as a single. Otherwise I'd be having that up here tomorrow as well! Apparently the Broughton brothers are still touring to this day and still play this as their set-closer, these days dedicating it to David Cameron and Nick Clegg. Word, brother!