Everyone Has Their Knockers

The topless fire-eater who impressed the two male judges on this week's Britain's Got Talent has previously appeared in pornographic films according to a shitehawk 'exclusive' in, you guessed it, the Daily Scum Mail. Exotic dancer Tia Brodie advanced to the next round of the ITV talent show after singing the Kasabian song 'Fire' whilst running a burning torch over her skin, wearing only high heels, knickers and two patches over her - quite sizeable - baps. The show's creator Simon Cowell said he 'loved it,' and fellow judge slimy Piers Morgan said he would like to 'see more.' You couldn't see much more, mate. Only Amanda Holden was critical, dismissing the performance as a 'brilliant new way of hair removal on the legs.' According to the Scum Mail who love rooting around in filth for this sort of thing Ms Brodie has worked in the sex industry for nine years. She said that she was not ashamed of her past. Nor has she any need to be; to the best of my knowledge the Scum Mail didn't produce any evidence that anything she's ever done is illegal so why make a story out of this at all? Oh yes, sorry, I forgot, it's the Scum Mail and that's the only way they can get The Horn. Meanwhile, self-appointed 'media campaigners' have criticised ITV, asserting that the sexualised performance was 'inappropriate for Saturday night family entertainment.' Which may well be true but I'll tell you what, dear blog reader, I'll be buggered in a ditch on fire rather than allow the Scum Mail or some tight-arsed Christians-in-search-of-filth to decide, for me, what I can and can't watch in my own home whenever I damn well please. Vivienne Pattison, director of Mediawatch UK, who always seems to get her comments in the newspapers at time like this, said: 'This show is watched by thousands of children. ITV push the boundaries and push them again. It's an erosion of standards that we have to resist.' Won't SOMEBODY think of the children? Brodie claimed she had not intended to go topless for the audition. 'I had brought along a liquid to spray on clothing so it becomes fireproof but it didn't work so I couldn't wear the top I wanted to wear. For health and safety reasons I had to do it without the top otherwise I would have set myself on fire.' Ms Brodie left school with eight GCSEs and two A-levels. She worked at a magistrates court in Kent and became a legal secretary before giving up her career in 2001 to be a pole dancer and stripper. So, she's clearly a bright, articulate young self-employed woman making a success for herself in the demanding world of light entertainment. The sort of person, in fact, that one would expect the Daily Scum Mail to be supportive of. I mean, they're usually so vocal in their admiration for that get-up-and-go British spirit. You know, Oswald Mosley, Mrs Thatcher ... Hitler.

Adrian Chiles allegedly 'feels betrayed' by his former ONE Show co-host Christine Bleakley, according to reports. The presenter, who last week defected to ITV from the BBC, apparently wanted more persuasion from Bleakley to stay at the corporation. He's really not a happy bunny at the moment, old Adie, is he? 'Things have become highly uncomfortable between the pair. Christine always wanted Adrian to stay on the show, she thinks he's making a big mistake leaving,' a source told the News of the World. Another 'insider' revealed: 'That shows how edgy things are. They used to talk about everything, and the whole thing has been very stressful for her. It's been a very fraught few weeks. Adrian thinks she could have done more to help him and if she'd refused to work with Chris [Evans] they'd have been forced to abort the plans.' It is noticeable that public sympathy, which did seem to be very much with Adrian in the couple of days after he announced that he was leaving appears to be swinging back the other way. Especially as he's now, seemingly, doing to Steve Rider and Andrew Castle pretty much exactly what he perceives Chris Evans has done to him. Mind you, as a punishment, he does have to spend the next four years working with Andy Townsend so, you know, it's not all wine and roses.

Charlie Brooker has joined a reported three thousand viewers to have officially complained and criticised the BBC for ruining the climax of Saturday night's Doctor Who episode. Even the Sun have got in on the act - ripping off some comments from Gallifrey Base instead of doing some real reporting of their own. Which is always good for a laugh. Anyway King Charlie, who recently praised the family SF series on his Channel 4 game show You Have Been Watching, was, according to reports, 'left reeling' after a cartoon version of Graham Norton danced on the screen to promote Over The Rainbow. As previously noted, yer actual Keith Telly Topping wasn't. 'Mildly miffed at the crass timing of it' would be a more accurate description. King Charlie tweeted yesterday: 'Why don't the BBC just wipe shit all over the screen during the final scene of Doctor Who next week? That's a reference to the Over The Rainbow on-screen trail by the way. Loved the episode. Until then.' Brooker, who then watched the reality show, later quipped: 'I hope they trail The News with an animated George Alagiah in the final scene of Over The Rainbow.' He's in a particular sarky and dangerous mood at the moment is King Charlie. On that same You Have Been Watching episode he told his guests - Big Fat Cuddly Liza Tarbuck, David Baddiel and Kevin Bridges - that this was a show which 'does for TV what the leadership debates do for politics. Turn it into a frivolous point-scoring game show between three desperate wannabes who'll say anything to make you love them!' How can anybody not love a man who describes The Delicious Miss Dahl thus?: 'My over-riding feeling when watching it was that I wanted a man with a cricket bat - covered in shit - to come in and smash the whole fucking place up!' Respect, King Charlie. Respect, for da man.

Dragons' Den winner Levi Roots has been accused of stealing the recipe for his famous Reggae Reggae Sauce by an old friend. Tony Bailey has filed a claim in the High Court for more than three hundred thousand pounds alleging that Roots, fifty one, stole his recipe before appearing on the BBC programme three years ago. The pair had worked together on a takeaway food stall in Brixton, South London, for seventeen years. Roots was backed to the tune of fifty thousand pounds on the show after he impressed tycoon Peter Jones with a recipe which he said had been devised by his grandmother. According to the Mail On Sunday, it is understood that Bailey claims that Roots invented the story about his grandmother as a 'marketing ploy' to persuade the Dragons to back him. A source claimed that the recipe was 'definitely Tony's. Levi did tell Tony that he was going to go on Dragons' Den but Tony was amazed when he then lied about the provenance of the sauce. After the programme Levi made some payments to Tony which were never really explained. At first it didn't seem right to take legal action but Tony is angry at how things have turned out.' Roots declined to comment.

The author Alan Sillitoe has died aged eighty two at Charing Cross Hospital in London, his family has said. The Nottingham-born novelist emerged in the 1950s as one of the Angry Young Men of British fiction. His son, David, said that he hoped his father would be remembered for his contribution to literature. Which, of course, he will. Alan's novels included two genuine twenty four carat masterpieces of British Twentieth Century socio-political storytelling, Saturday Night and Sunday Morning and The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner, both of which were subsequently adapted into hugely successful movies. The books are regarded as classic examples of the early years of so-called 'kitchen sink drama,' a movement which aimed to reflect both the aspirations and the limitations of working class life in post-war Britain. Sillitoe was born in Nottingham in March 1928 - the second son of an illiterate tannery labourer who was often out of work. Later, he described life growing up in a poor household. 'We lived in a room in Talbot Street whose four walls smelled of leaking gas, stale fat and layers of mouldering wallpaper,' he said. He would note that his mother burned his first semi-fictional work when he was a twelve-year-old. It was about the behaviour of his cousins but she felt it to be too 'revealing.' Alan left school at fourteen to work in the Raleigh bicycle factory in his hometown before joining the Royal Air Force four years later. He worked as a wireless operator in Malaya but, while in the RAF, he contracted tuberculosis and spent sixteen months in hospital where he began to write novels. After travelling to France, Spain and Majorca - where he met the poet Robert Graves - he wrote the pioneering novel Saturday Night and Sunday Morning. Published in 1958, the tale about the life of factory employee Arthur Seaton won the Authors' Club First Novel Award and received instant critical acclaim. It was adapted as a film in 1960, starring Albert Finney as a broodingly magnificent Seaton, one of the great performances of British cinema. 'They have a TV set and a packet of fags, but they're both dead from the neck up!' God, it was good. The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner, focusing on a rebellious boy with a talent for cross-country running, won the Hawthornden Prize in 1959. It was also turned into a brilliant film, directed by Tony Richardson and starring Tom Courtenay, in 1962. The award-winning writer was married to the American poet Ruth Fainlight, with whom he had David, and adopted daughter Susan. Although he tended to spend most of his time in London, they also lived in France, Spain, Tangier and Israel. Poet Ian McMillan paid tribute to Sillitoe, describing him as a 'marvellous prose stylist' whose work had a 'kind of Midlands sonority to it. He was a man who attempted to capture the majesty and drama of ordinary life,' he said. 'He wrote this great line which said "the art of writing is to explain the complications of the human soul with the simplicity that can be universally understood" and I think that's what he achieved.' Sillitoe for the most part rejected the celebrity life and claimed that all he wanted to do 'was sit in his house in London and write and write and write.' As well as numerous novels Sillitoe also published several volumes of poetry, children's books and was the author of several stage and screen plays. In 1995, his autobiography Life Without Armour was well-received. In 2007, he published Gadfly - an account of his travels in Russia. In 2008, he was recognised for his Nottingham roots and given freedom of the city. Earlier this month, along with others with the same honour he was due to herd sheep across Trent Bridge, as was his right. However he had to pull out because of illness. Last year, he appeared on the BBC's Desert Island Discs, where he said if he were cast away his ideal companions would be a record of Le Ca Ira sung by Edith Piaf, a copy of the RAF navigation manual, The Air Publication 1234, and a communications receiver - but for receiving only. Although he once said he preferred to be thought of as a poet rather than a novelist, it was his prose that attracted the more critical success.

Denise Welch has admitted that she snorted cocaine on the Coronation Street set during her time as a cast member on the soap. Speaking candidly about her drug habit for the first time, the actress explained that she first started using charlie when she was in her twenties, but developed a more serious habit in 1989 while suffering from post natal depression following the birth of her first son. Welch confessed that her 'lowest moment' came when she took cocaine in a backstage bathroom while her co-stars were busy filming scenes to mark Betty Driver's on-screen eightieth birthday celebrations. Her dealer had met her outside the show's Manchester studios moments earlier. The actress, who played barmaid Natalie Barnes, is quoted by the Mirror as saying: 'I'd become the master of getting out of scenes in the Rovers. I'd always be saying something like "Don't you think Natalie would be in the toilet? Or in the Rovers living room?" It was ridiculous, but this was a particularly awful day and I felt very low. When you suffer with depression it can just hit you like that at any time and I could feel myself slipping. I didn't have any drugs on me and I knew the only way I could possibly keep going and stay on an even keel was to get some more.' Welch also recalled arriving at work in July 1998 and barely being able to speak following an overnight cocaine binge. However, she managed to get through her scheduled scene with screen lover Michael Le Vell (Kevin Webster) as planned. The actress eventually kicked her drug habit when she became pregnant with her second son Louis, now nine. She has since discovered that her depression was caused by a hormone imbalance and now suffers low moments less frequently after being prescribed tablets. Welch reveals the full extent of her personal problems in new autobiography Pulling Myself Together, which is released later this week.

Karen Gillan admits she has taken part in some weird photoshoots. The actress, twenty two, used to be a model before she landed the role of Amy on Doctor Who. 'I went for a shoe modelling casting,' she says. 'They made me put a bucket over my head and walk up and down.' But Karen insists she gained a lot from her experience. 'I did commercial modelling, hair products and stuff, not high-end fashion,' she told Metro. 'It was character building.'

The first 3D-ready television set went on sale in the UK last week, despite there being a limited amount of 3D content available. Samsung officially launched its forty-inch 3D set at selected John Lewis, Curry's and Comet branches, priced at one thousand seven hundred and ninety nine notes. Panasonic is due to launch its first 3D-ready model this week, with Sony and LG likely to follow in the coming months. However, only Monsters vs Aliens is currently available on 3D Blu-ray and customers will have to wait until later in the year to access Sky's 3D channel, which launched in pubs and clubs earlier in the month. Sony has confirmed plans to release a firmware update for all PS3 consoles before June to enable them to support 3D gaming. Customers purchasing Samsung's 3D model, which is claimed to add greater depth to normal broadcasts and Blu-ray films, will have to buy a pair of battery-operated 'active' glasses at a cost of one hundred and fifty knicker each. Matt Rajah, who was the first in the queue to purchase a 3D set at the John Lewis' Oxford Street branch, claimed that the outlay is worth it. 'I have been waiting for this for a long time, there's lots of exciting 3D content on the way, and it's set to be the TV of the future,' said the twenty eight-year-old. 'It's more money than a normal telly, but I love to buy the latest gadgets and be ahead of my friends.' I've got just two words for you, mate. 'Beta' and 'Max'!

Emmerdale actor Tony Audenshaw celebrated a double triumph after taking part in the London Marathon yesterday. The actor, who plays Bob Hope on the Yorkshire-based drama, broke a world record for the fastest ever runner to complete the race while 'dressed as a baby.' Blimey, that's a record you want to have, isn't it? His time of three hours and thirteen minutes also made him the first celebrity to cross the finish line this year. Speaking to reporters afterwards, Audenshaw joked: 'You can forget about the one hundred metres record, this is the record people are interested in - the world's fastest baby in a marathon.'

Alesha Dixon has promised to be tougher on Strictly Come Dancing after receiving an ultimatum from the show's bosses, according to press claims. Producers of the ballroom contest believe that Dixon was 'too nice' to contestants after she joined the judging panel on last year's series, the Mirror alleges. A Strictly source Copper's Nark'd to the paper: 'Following the [Arlene Phillips] backlash, Alesha was on the back foot from day one - perhaps she feared she'd be attacked even more if she spoke out. But she has vowed to come back tougher than ever. She has said she will pull no punches. It was that or bosses were prepared to look elsewhere.'

Factual show New Brands is going to be taking the 9pm slot on BBC1 on Wednesdays from 17 May. It will have four episodes, which will take the BBC up to the start of the World Cup. In this format, Jo Malone, one of Britain's most successful female entrepreneurs, is looking for people who have an original product or range which they believe has the potential to make the leap from kitchen table to high street. Those who are chosen by Jo will benefit from her expertise, experience and guidance. Each of the four episodes will focus on a different category, for example, home and garden, food and drink, children, and accessories. Once Jo has selected those who she believes to have real potential, she will guide them through the world of branding, public relations and business, and prepare them for a pitch to a major retailer. Will they be able to convince them to take a chance on a new product during this period of commercial uncertainty? Astonishingly, this will be the first full series the BBC have shown on a Wednesday this year. Previously, the day has been something of a dumping ground for them - in fact, they've not even shown the same programme two weeks running! This year has seen repeats of Inspector George Gently, New Tricks and the I Swear I Can't Help It tourette's documentary, along with football, Crimewatch, Five Days, Famous Rich & Jobless, Cars Cops & Criminals, The Day The Immigrants Left, an episode of Panorama, the Masterchef final, Traffic Cops, Bang Goes The Theory and Motorway Cops. No sense of structure at all. Seriously, it's become something of a game in TV watching circles, 'what are the BBC trying on Wendesday this week?'

Channel 4 presenter Emma Spencer reportedly refused to interview a winning jockey whom she blames for breaking up her marriage. The 'new face' of Channel 4's flat racing coverage was waiting to interview the winner at Newbury races and was said to be 'horrified' when forty-to-one outsider Hayley Turner took first place. Spencer, thirty one, realised that she would have to congratulate Turner who, she claims, had an affair with her husband Jamie Spencer, and made it clear that she did not wish to carry out the interview. According to the Sunday Telegraph, co-presenter Mike Cattermole stepped in to take over with just moments to spare. The Spencers had been known as the 'Posh and Becks' of the racing world: a rich, glamorous couple who married in 2005. A spokesman for Channel 4 confirmed yesterday that Spencer had declined to interview Turner after she had won the Berry Bros & Rudd Magnum Spring Cup at Newbury last weekend. 'Emma would prefer not to interview Hayley – it is in the interests of both parties to avoid any unnecessary tensions,' the spokesman said.

Lily Allen has reportedly signed a deal with Channel 4 to host a reality TV fashion show. The programme will be the singer-songwriter's first return to presenting since the second series of BBC3's criticially reviled Lily Allen and Friends ended two years ago. It would seem that the television industry really does learn nothing from its biggest failures.

Week Eighteen: Let Us Not Forget The General Erection

An average audience of four million viewers tuned in to watch Thursday night's second prime ministerial debate on Sky News. Ratings for the broadcast were well down on the previous week's ITV debate, which attracted an average of over nine million viewers. The debate was screened live on a variety of other outlets, including the BBC News Channel, the BBC HD channel and a later repeat on BBC2. The third and final debate is scheduled for next Thursday on BBC1. Meanwhile, over one hundred people have reportedly complained to Ofcom about various aspects of the debate. According to the Gruniad Morning Star, many viewers criticised the moderator, Adam Boulton, for his treatment of the Liberal Democrats leader Nick Clegg. Twitter and Facebook groups were set up after the debate to complain that Boulton had unfairly discussed a Daily Telegraph article, which alleged that Clegg had money paid into his personal account to fund an employee's salary. Clegg had declared the money. Viewers claimed that by discussing the article and 'heckling' Clegg, Boulton had broken rule sixty three of the debates, which states that the moderator must not 'criticise or comment on the leaders' answers.' Ofcom, however, does not regulate the debate rules, which were agreed by the broadcasters and parties so complaining to them is pretty pointless. Not that this is something that tends to stop serial whinging. The watchdog - elected, let us remember, by nobody - has confirmed that it has received complaints about the debate but refused to reveal how many. It said that it will investigate the debates to see if any broadcasting code regulations were breached. The ombudsman is already said to be examining SNP and Plaid Cymru's complaints about being excluded from the televised debates. Ofcom has set up a special election committee to investigate the complaints and is expected to publish its findings next week.

And, speaking of complaints, just exactly whose crass idea was it to plaster an animated ident strapline for the forthcoming Over The Rainbow in the middle of tense cliffhanger on last night's episode of Doctor Who? Why, oh why, oh why ... etc? I mean, normally that sort of thing doesn't really bother me. I'm not blind to a broadcaster's right to advertise its own shows wherever and whenever the hell it likes. After all, the BBC makes both these shows in the first place. And, I've seen enough American TV over the years to know this kind of thing is becoming commonplace within the medium. But, if there's one thing that is absolutely guaranteed to piss viewers off - particularly vocal and loud viewers like Doctor Who fandom - it's having a spectacularly important climactic scene of a drama show ruined by Graham Norton's cheeky face scrolling along the bottom of their screen in the middle of it. Please BBC, never do that again - it was stupidly intrusive and, more likely than not, counter-productive. Since, I imagine that in many cases, yer average Doctor Who fan - a collective who seldom need much provocation for a good dose of mass-protest - would have been so annoyed by it that they pointedly didn't watch Over The Rainbow afterwards. On general principle. Make your complaints to the usual place, if you feel strongly about it, dear blog reader. As it happens, I actually did. But, remember, if you do intend to complain then, as always, be polite, don't swear and don't make ridiculous threats about what you'll do if they don't give in to your demands, like, instantly. You want to be the BBC's friend and are writing to them more in sorrow than in anger, etc. Those are the kind of complaints that, just occasionally, get taken seriously. 'If you ever do that to MY Doctor Who again, I'll CHAIN MYSELF TO TEH GATES OF TV CENTA [sic] and I WON'T PAY my TV licence not NEVER again' tends, by and large, not to get it done. Of course, it's also worth bearing in mind that the BBC can - and probably will - give a very low priority to your complaint and not treat it particularly seriously. They do, after all, make the programme in the first place. What, exactly, are you going to do if they ignore your ire? Stop watching? Ultimately, our fandom will always work against us in this regard. No matter what the BBC do to Doctor Who, we'll all still be tuning-in next week. That doesn't mean one shouldn't voice objections if you think something is worth objecting over, of course. Mind you, I say all of this with the obvious proviso that, as per usual, some Doctor Who fans can't even occupy the moral high ground without managing to turn a relatively minor drama into a full-blown crisis. The amount of broadband used on message boards last night to express some peoples 'outrage' and 'disgust' at this 'sickening occurrence' was as over-the-top as most previous Doctor Who-related fiascoes. I don't know about anybody else, but I tend to reserve actual proper outrage for stuff like genocide and torture. Stuff that matters. This, if it was anything, was 'mildly annoying.' There was also, of course, the expected borderline-homophobic slurs about Graham Norton himself - with at least one charming example of humanity stating, on a public forum, that Graham should be 'shot in the face' because this had happened. As though he were, personally, responsible for this ident. He might be a lot of things, but I'm pretty sure Graham Norton isn't an animator. Meanwhile, Matthew Graham, the executive producer of Ashes To Ashes and, of course, a former Doctor Who scriptwriter himself, tweeted: 'I take it everyone else was livid that the Beeb put a gurning cartoon Graham Norton across the exciting cliffhanger climax of Dr Who. Please BBC - you're not a US network, you're so much better than they are. Don't cheapen yourself. The public know what's up next.' Not livid, Matt, I've got far more important things to be livid about. 'Slightly irked', I'll give you! BBC News website today noted that 'the BBC often promotes programmes in this way' and adds that 'the corporation has acknowledged that, in this case, the scheduling was inappropriate.' A BBC spokesman said: 'We apologise for the timing of Saturday night's trail.' There. Happy endings are nice, aren't they?

Alex Kingston's spectacular return to Doctor Who was seen by 6.8million viewers last night, according to overnight ratings figures. The Time of Angels - which also featured the return of fan favourites The Weeping Angels - was watching by around six and a half million viewers on BBC1 and a further three hundred thousand on BBC HD. It was, by a comfortable distance, the BBC's highest-rated show of the day. The second episode of Britain's Got Talent was the day's most-watched programme, averaging 10.26m for ITV in the 8pm hour. Afterwards at 9pm, The Prisoner dropped to a really dismal 1.77m. The latest Over The Rainbow, meanwhile, averaged five million on BBC1 (with a further one hundred thousand on HD), an increase of six hundred thousand viewers on the last episode. So, many that animated dancing Graham Norton ident actually worked for some viewers? Perhaps, we'll never care. Saturday's visit to Casualty brought in 5.52m from 9pm. Overall, BBC1 secured a small victory in prime time, with an average share of 23.7 per cent compared to ITV's 21.6 per cent.

The BBCs' director of television, Jana Bennett, has defended the decision to bring Chris Evans in as the Friday night presenter on The ONE Show. Earlier lat week, Adrian Chiles confirmed that he was leaving the BBC for ITV, admitting that the alterations to the magazine show were part of the reason for his move. The other part being that he'd been holding secret talks with ITV for a couple of years and they were offering him more money than he was currently getting. And, all of a sudden, I feel far-less sympathy with Adrian's position than I did a few days ago! Defending the appointment of Evans, Bennett told the Mirror: 'There can be no doubt that the success of The ONE Show owes much to the partnership between Adrian and Christine. They have enjoyed nearly three years together and I am grateful to Adrian for all his hard work on the show. He goes with our thanks and best wishes for the future. But with change comes opportunity. Going forward we have got some great plans that will build on the current success of the show. On Fridays we will do something a little more entertainment focused with a new hour-long show with Christine and Chris.' She added: 'For the rest of the week the plan is to introduce a co-host who is a good match for the show and for Christine in particular, who has become a real star in recent years. The ONE Show audience is massively important to us and we are building the next chapter of the programme with them firmly in mind.' Bennett also backed Bleakley to remain on the show, describing her as a 'real rising star.'

Two Doctor Who Proms have been announced by the BBC and will take place over the weekend of 24 and 25 July 2010. This will be the second time music from Doctor Who has been featured at the Proms. Founded in 1895, the Henry Wood Promenade Concerts are an eight-week summer season of orchestral classical music concerts and other events held annually, predominantly in the Royal Albert Hall in South Kensington. Since 1927 they have been run by the BBC. In 2008 a Doctor Who Prom showcased the work of Murray Gold, who has composed the incidental music for Doctor Who since its return in 2005 along with other space -elated pieces of classical music. The 2010 season will follow much the same format comprising a mix of traditional and modern music. The two proms will have the same running order and both will be hosted by Matt Smith and Karen Gillan and feature the London Philharmonic Choir and the BBC National Orchestra of Wales.

So, on that bombshell, here's yer next batch of Top Telly Tips:

Friday 30 April
Life on Mars fans will love the montage of Sam Tyler's finest moments that invades yet another of Alex's dreams in Ashes to Ashes - 9:00 BBC1. Even better, the weaselly crime squad detective Litton, who appeared in the early Life on Mars episode about the factory siege, forsakes Manchester for Fenchurch East and another showdown with Gene Hunt. He's dismissed by Gene as a 'prancing berk' and there's a lot of macho posturing as the pair eye one another like polyester-clad stags, with the air charged by the pungent whiff of Paco Rabanne. Litton is in the capital, it would seem, in pursuit of a Bernard Manning-like stand-up comic called Frank Hardwick (played by the wonderful Roy Hudd), who's on the run having stolen money from the police widows and orphans fund. But Hardwick turns out to be a pathetic, frightened man in possession of seriously dangerous information. It's a busy episode, this, with the central mystery - just what did happen to Sam Tyler? - becoming even murkier as Gene destroys evidence and becomes all cryptic when questioned by Alex. And the team have their moment in the spotlight during the Opportunity Cops talent show. Watch for an unexpectedly touching scene with Shaz and Ray.

Glee - 8:00 Channel 4 - the musical comedy drama series from the US is currently threatening to take the UK by storm. With its dancing and signing. And stuff. In tonight's - celebrated - episode, Mr Schuester uses Madonna songs for the next assignment in an effort to empower the girls in the glee club and provide them with the inspiration they need to stand up to those disrespectful boys and their naughty bullying ways. Meanwhile, Kurt and Mercedes give Sue a vote of confidence. Which is nice.

Saturday 1 May
And, speaking of musicals, I'm In A Rock 'n' Roll Band! - 9:40 BBC2 - is a six-part series investigating what it is that makes the perfect rock 'n' roll group. The exploration begins with the head, heart, voice and, sometimes soul of the group - the lead singer. Grabbing the glory and dodging the bottles, what drives these attention seeking narcissists and hopefully benign dictators to shimmy and shake their ass and lead the gang? Case studies include Mick Jagger and Liam Gallagher. Essay on my desk first thing on Monday morning. Seriously, I'm all for putting a bit of analysis into what makes music great but this sort of thing can often lead viewers right up their own arses in search of revelation.

After last night's thrilling opening half of the story Doctor Who - 6:25 BBC1 - concludes its study of Flesh and Stone. Surrounded by an army of Weeping Angels, the Doctor, Amy, River Song and their warrior monk allies must escape through the forest vault. It's going to be exciting. It's going to be tense. It's going to be gripping. It's going to have you sitting on the very edge of your seat as you get to roughly the forty minute mark and wonder how long it'll be before Graham Norton's animated head pops up in the middle of a scene to scare the ruddy bejesus out of the kids.

Sunday 2 May
Tony Robinson presents Time Team - 6:00 Channel 4 - as per usual. This week, the team examine a stretch of land around the River Tees, situated near an impressive Roman fort site. Oh, great. I love the Roman episodes. Fascinating people the Romans. Has a form of central heating system two thousand years before we did. And, theirs seldom broke down in the middle of winter. Unlike mine. And, it was bloody cold last winter, I don't know if you noticed, dear blog reader.

Lewis returns - 8:30 ITV - and, with it comes Wor lovely Kevin Whately and Mr Billie Piper solving more crimes of passion and revenge amid Oxford's dreaming spires. After the body of Dr Stephen Black is found on an Oxford tour bus, Lewis and Hathaway are led to Crevecoeur Hall, a sprawling estate where Hathaway spent much of his childhood. Lewis begins to worry that a previous case involving the murder of a ten-year-old girl has begun to affect Hathaway's state of mind, while Hathaway himself seems more interested in the glamorous Scarlett Mortmaigne, the daughter of the owner of Crevecoeur. Then, another body is discovered on the estate and Hathaway's refusal to believe that the family are involved threatens to test his relationship with Inspector Lewis to breaking point.

Modern Masters - 9:00 BBC1 - sees the art critic Alastair Sooke presents the first in a four-part series exploring the life and works of the Twentieth Century's most important artists. He begins with the controversial big-haired Andy Warhol, the king of Pop Art. On his journey to discover more about this most infamous and yet reclusive figures, he parties with Mad Dennis Hopper, has a brush with Carla Bruni, and gets to grips with Marilyn. Along the way he uncovers just how brilliantly Andy Warhol pinpointed and portrayed our obsessions with consumerism, celebrity and the media and then went on to re-invent them. And create one of the greatest rock bands of all time as a side project.

Monday 3 May
A couple of week ago yer Keith Telly Topping highlighted the opening episode of Blitz Street - 9:00 Channel 4. And, I'm glad to report that it was just what you'd expect from Channel 4's pop social history crew - intelligent, relevant, revealing and bloody well-made. To commemorate the seventieth anniversary of the Blitz, this series gives volunteers experience of various aspects of life during wartime through reenactments of air raids. This episode focuses on the summer of 1944, as British hopes for an end to the war were raised by news of the D-Day landings. However, just days later Hitler sent over the first of his new secret vengeance weapons, the V1, a jet-powered pilotless rocket packed with a powerful form of explosive containing RDX.

FlashForward - 9:00 Five - is, despite having almost no-one watching it (either in the US or over here) moving along very nicely and being really rather intriguing as it heads towards the end of the series. In tonight's episode, Olivia receives some disturbing news from Gabriel. (Which will, no doubt, see Sonya Walger doing a bit more 'acting' that makes it look as though she's suddenly developed piles. And she was so good in Lost as well, it's such a shame.) And lovely lesbian Janis (Christine Woods) continues to work as a mole. That's not right. I'm sure someone, somewhere is busy working on a lengthy Internet essay about the dead/evil lesbian conspiracy. And, in this particular case, they're probably right!

There's a Countryfile's Spring Special at 6:30 on BBC1. The divine Goddess that is Julia Bradbury ... and Matt Baker head off on a trip through the New Forest, to celebrate the height of Spring. After catching their lunch in the seas off the Hampshire coast, Julia spends the night under the stars in a geodesic dome - the last word in camping chic. No news on where Matt spends the night. One hopes it was in a tent next door! The next morning, the pair discover how to record the Spring dawn chorus for posterity. Meanwhile, John Craven finds out what truly seasonal food is available in Spring.

Meanwhile, one of Julia's worthy predecessors for the - often unwelcome - role as The Thinking Man's Totty, Joanna Lumley in on the final part of her journey in Joanna Lumley's Nile - 9:00 ITV. In Southern Sudan she flies over the world's largest swamp, the Sudd. And in the town of Juba she finds that a fragile peace process has brought about a re-emergence of beauty pageants. From Juba, Joanna heads into Uganda, where she follows the White Nile up to the famed Murchison Falls. Finally she meets a modern-day adventurer who shows her a recently discovered new source of the Nile high in the mountains of Rwanda - four thousand one hundred and ninety nine miles from her starting point.

Tuesday 4 May
Luther - 9:00 BBC1 - is a new, and rather fine-looking crime drama series. Idris Elba, best known for his performance in the award-winning HBO series The Wire, now finds himself on the other side of the law as John Luther, a near-genius murder detective whose brilliant mind can't always save him from the dangerous violence of his passions. In the opening episode Luther, back from suspension, must solve a seemingly perfect double murder and work out how, and by whom, it was committed. Outside of work he is trying to win back his wife, Zoe, now that he finally seems to have got his life back on track. She, however, has moved on and has a new man in her life: Mark, who is the antithesis of Luther. Will Luther be able to save his fractured marriage as well as solve the crime? In addition to Elba, it stars The Prisoner's Ruth Wilson, Steven Mackintosh, Indira Varma, Paul McGann and Saskia Reeves. The creator and writer, Neil Cross, is an acclaimed suspense novelist and was lead writer for the last two series of [Spooks]. This looks great.

In Theo's Adventure Capitalists - 8:00 BBC2 - Dragon's Den regular Theo Paphitis follows the fortunes of brave and bold British companies trying to expand in three of the world's most dynamic emerging markets - India, Brazil and Vietnam. While Britain is still stuck in a recession, these economies are booming. There couldn't be a better time than now for British businesses to seize these opportunities in some of the world's fastest-expanding but risky markets - but how easy is it going to be? Small, but very rich, Theo always reminds me of one of those Velociraptor's from Jurassic Park. They look harmless but they'll strip the flesh from yer bones in seconds.

Sailor and writer Tom Cunliffe takes a voyage through the history of British seafaring in The Boats That Built Britain - 8:30 BBC4. No ship has ever made a more important discovery than The Matthew. In 1497, Italian-born explorer John Cabot left Bristol on this little boat and three thousand miles later landed in what we now know is North America (specifically Newfoundland). His discovery would change Britain, its dream of empire and, indeed, the world forever. Cunliffe sails The Matthew for himself and finds out just how this incredible little rigger made a journey into the perilous unknown and came back to tell the story. I love stuff like this although there is a danger for the viewer that, in watching it, you might just learn something. And that would never do in this Twenty First Century landscape of lowest common demoninator brain-soup television for people an attention span of seven seconds.

Wednesday 5 May
Waterloo Road - 8:00 BBC1 - the school-based drama series has been on a really good run of late. In this episode, Finn pushes Chris to breaking point, while Sam and Bolton become closer when they end up in trouble. Like I say, really rather impressive for the last few weeks albeit, the use of music to underline just about every single point of the drama does get a bit annoying after a while. That something they've seemingly picked up from US drama. I've noticed Holby City starting to do it a lot as well.

Another show that I didn't expect to enjoy but which has taken me by surprise is Out of the Frying Pan - 7:00 BBC2. As previously discussed, this series follows The Restaurant runners-up James and Ali as they take on six challenging fine dining 'events.' They have spent the last nine months training under Raymond Blanc - now they are ready to step out of the professional kitchen and into the real world. Here, the pair are called up to Sandhurst to cater the prestigious Commissioning Dinner for nearly three hundred officers, cadets and squaddies, all sitting in their own mess. Can they deliver a regimental dinner to remember or will it be off to the glasshouse with the pair of 'em and put 'em on a charge?

We can't forget my mother's favourite TV show in the whole wide world, Midsomer Murders - 8:00 ITV. Death stalks the leafy rural bridal paths of Midsomer yet again when two couples vanish without trace from the village of Monks Barton, amid rumours of witchcraft and hauntings. Ooo ... it's big and it's hairy and I be a'feared of it. Anyway, flamboyant psychic Cyrus LeVanu clashes with the pompous cleric, Wallace Stone, as a body is found, while several other villagers seem to be caught up in a stolen antiques racket. Can Barnaby and Jones discover the secret of Barton Woods and find the killer? Of course they can. There, that's saved you the trouble of watch, you can spend the hour doing something more constructive instead. Like watching paint dry.

Thursday 6 May
In Britain's Greatest Machines - 8:00 Five - dear old Chris Barrie explores the pivotal moments in Britain's recent engineering past, revealing the key decades and discoveries that forged a nation. And, again, we have an example of great TV comedian who's discovered a hobby to make a presenting career out of as a fall back just in case he stops being funny. And, he's very good. A sort-of slightly toned-down Clarkson if you like.

A straight cross between Time Team and Waking The Dead, History Cold Case - 9:00 BBC2 - sees professor Sue Black and her team at the Centre for Human Anatomy and Identification at the University of Dundee using modern forensic science techniques to shed light on the lives of our forebears. Their aim is to, quite literally, reveal the person behind the skeleton in question. In this episode, an apparently African skeleton, unearthed near a medieval English monastery close to Ipswich, pushes the team to their limits. The historical trail points to new evidence about British ancestry, and the tragic truth about his death adds an unexpected twist.

Finally it's election night, of course. Channel 4's Alternative Election Night - from 9:00 - is an alternative and allegedly irreverent take on election night coverage hosted by David Mitchell (I'd vote for him), Lauren Laverne (I'd definitely vote for her) and Jimmy Carr. Whom I wouldn't vote for even if he were the only name on the ballot paper. With contributions from Charlie Brooker. Who should be voted King, never mind Prime Minister. Broadcasting live in front of a studio audience and providing up-to-date reports as the results filter in, the programme also features special pre-recorded material from Channel 4 shows You Have Been Watching, Fonejacker and Come Dine with Me. However, If you want to watch the real deal, as it were. Election 2010 starts on BBC1 at 10:00. David Dimbleby and his team present the results of the closest election for a generation. With reporters across the country, they bring viewers the intrigue and excitement as it happens. Paxman interrogates the winners and losers, that sour-faced killjoy Emily Maitlis and Jeremy Vine will use the latest graphics technology to analyse the results, Fiona Bruce is on hand with the latest news and a bit of outrageous flirting and Andrew Neil holds a special event at the London Eye in the shadow of Parliament with an array of top guests. And, may God have mercy on us all. Tomorrow, we wake up to choas whatever happens. Remember, kids, no matter who you vote for, The Government always gets in.

Moving on to this week's Top Telly News: Ugly Betty star Eric Mabius has reportedly joined the cast of new BBC show Outcasts. The eight-part series, which is being penned by [Spooks] writer Ben Richards, is set in 2040. It follows a group of people who are living on a newly-discovered planet after a biological disaster on Earth. According to Deadline, Mabius will play the vice-president of the evacuation scheme. Filming on Outcasts is expected to begin in South Africa next month.

The BBC has announced it has won the rights to show the 2010 Commonwealth Games from Delhi in October. The Games, which get under way from 3 October, will be available across TV, radio, online, iPlayer, mobile and new media outlets across the UK. 'We're delighted to have exclusive rights for the UK,' said BBC Sport's head of major events Dave Gordon. 'The Games mark another step for athletes across the world as they prepare for the 2012 Olympics.' Gordon added: 'We have a rich history of covering the Commonwealth Games and are looking forward to bringing the best of the action to the UK public.' The Commonwealth Games, which include many Olympic sports like athletics, cycling and swimming, were last held in Melbourne in 2006.

An episode of Eggheads featuring a team of Conservatives has been postponed. The team, named the Con Artists, included members of the Torbay Conservative Club Quiz League. The episode was due to air following a party political broadcast from the Conservatives on 13 April. However, the Sun reports that BBC executives decided to replace the episode with a celebrity edition because the episode would be too 'politically sensitive' so close to the general election. The group's captain Linda Dilley explained: 'The BBC rang me at about a minute to six to say that as they had just aired a Tory election broadcast, they couldn't put us on. They said they'd call when they had a new date - I'm assuming after the election. We were all sat down with drinks and TV recorders at the ready when they called. We had friends and relatives over the country tuning in.' Dilley also said that she fears the episode will never be broadcast for continuity reasons as the prize pot builds up each time. 'The BBC asked us months ago if any of us were politically active and I assured them we weren't,' she added. 'We're all just in the quiz league.' A spokesperson for the BBC said: 'In line with guidelines, an edition of Eggheads which features a team associated with a political party will be shown after the election.'

Jana Bennett has admitted that she cannot rule out scheduling clashes for Strictly Come Dancing and The X Factor this year. The corporation's annual ballroom contest repeatedly went head-to-head with ITV's talent show in 2009. Their battles came after the BBC decided to move Strictly from its usual early evening slot to later in the schedule. At the time, BBC bosses were criticised for putting the two shows in competition with each other. BBC Trust chairman Sir Michael Lyons was among those who claimed that the corporation should not engage in competitive scheduling. However, speaking to the Mirror, Bennett insisted that hit programmes have 'always gone head-to-head' as there is 'only so many hours' to broadcast shows. She commented: 'I can't promise there won't be overlaps next series, we don't seek to go head-to-head for the sake of it. But we also have scheduling restrictions that dictate what we can show and when. Programmes like The Lottery, Match of the Day and early evening drama like Doctor Who have to go out at certain points in the night. That said, we had very few viewers say the scheduling was a problem. Many people decided what they wanted to watch in advance or used home recording systems.'

Paul Weller and Noel Gallagher reportedly 'tore up' a tiny London club, Islington's Garage - with a capacity of just six hundred - to launch the latest offering from The Modfather. Weller debuted a string of thumping new songs from his Wake Up The Nation CD on Wednesday night. Then his old mate the former Oasis geezer, Noel pitched up and the pair performed the Gallagher-penned 'Mucky Fingers' as well as Weller's own 'Echoes Round The Sun.' Gripping renditions of a string of classics including 'Wild Wood' and a final triumphant airing of the vintage Jam hit 'Start!' concluded a special night. According to the Sun's reviewer, Alan Davies was among a whole posse of punters who queued up at the North London venue's stage door to get The Modfather's autograph after the show. Absolute beginners.

John Cleese appeared in a wheelchair for the filming of The Graham Norton Show. According to the Sun, the Monty Python's Flying Circus legend is having a second operation on his knee after his joint gave way. Having been escorted onto the programme by host Graham Norton, Cleese joked: 'Old age isn't for sissies.' He also bizarrely revealed on the programme that he ate dog during a recent trip to Hong Kong. 'Dogs are delicious. I asked the waiter what was in the dish and he said "poodle." Next day I saw a poodle in the street and my saliva glands were going,' he explained.

BBC business programme Working Lunch will no longer be broadcast from the end of July, it has been announced. Current affairs digest GMT with George Alagiah will replace the show in its early afternoon slot on BBC2. There are also plans for new business programmes to go out at the weekend on the BBC News Channel and BBC 5Live. Head of 'Newsgathering', Fran Unsworth, said closing the show was a 'difficult decision' because the team worked were 'so creative and passionate. We hope to do everything we can to continue serving the audience reached by Working Lunch.' A BBC statement added: 'The size of the Working Lunch audience has suffered a slow but steady decline since 2001. A re-launch in October 2008 has failed to reverse the audience decline which now appears to be stable. 'It's always sad when a programme reaches the end of its life cycle, but our business coverage has never been about one programme.' Working Lunch began in 1994 and has been presented by a selection of well-known names including Adrian Chiles, Paddy O'Connell and Adam Shaw. Chiles left Working Lunch in 2007 to work on The ONE Show on a full-time basis.

Hole In The Wall has reportedly been cancelled after two series. The critically scorned Saturday evening programme proved to be something of a minor cult hit with viewers after its launch in 2008 in a sort of -so-bad-it's-brilliant way. But, its second series last year failed to match the ratings of the first. A BBC source told the Sun: 'There's still a lot of affection for Hole In The Wall, but bosses thought it was time to try something else.' The news is a second blow for Anton Du Beke, who started out as one of the show's team captains before being promoted to its presenter for series two. He was recently tipped to lose his job as a Strictly Come Dancing regular. 'Anton won't be happy. It's an astonishing fall from grace,' the insider added. 'Just six months ago he was being talked about as the next big thing at the BBC. Now it looks like he could be left with nothing.'

Britain's Got Talent would cause controversy by showing 'totally inappropriate' acts this week. That is, according to the Mirror on Friday who stated that a topless fire-eater and a woman being spanked while reading Shakespeare were likely to anger viewers. it's always so nice for viewers to be told what emotions a TV show should produce in them before it's been shown, isn't it? Saves them the trouble of thinking for themselves. Psychologist Professor David Wilson said: 'Children are vulnerable to modelling behaviour and seeing an act like this is essentially giving them permission to do it themselves. In no context is a man hitting a woman entertainment. It’s normalising the behaviour that men should be able to hit women.' However, a show insider insisted: 'It is meant to be more panto than sexual.'

More than forty British performers have reportedly signed a letter calling for voters to save the BBC on polling day. The plea denounces plans to cut the licence fee and claims that opposition politicians have a 'cavalier attitude towards the BBC's independence.' Peter Kay, John Barrowman, Peter Capaldi and Romola Garai are among those who backed the call, as are Catherine Tate, Meera Syal, Stephen Merchant, Terry Jones, Sam West, Hugh Bonneville and Harriet Walter. According to the Observer, the letter highlights an explicit threat to disband the BBC's governing body, the BBC Trust, by the Conservative shadow culture secretary Jeremy Hunt and calls the corporation the 'most important cultural organisation in Britain and an indispensable part of our society.' While the Conservatives don't mention any plan to freeze the licence fee, they have pledged to give the National Audit Office access to its accounts for the first time. The BBC's supporters fear this proposed scrutiny would amount to direct government control. The Labour party's manifesto says the current government is determined to 'maintain the independence of the BBC, the most admired and trusted broadcaster in the world' whilst the Lib Dem manifesto says the party plans to keep the BBC 'strong, free from interference and securely funded.' The protest letter, also signed by Sir Richard Eyre, Stephen Frears, Harry Enfield, Charlie Higson, Eddie Izzard, Robert Webb, Stephen Mangan, Sanjeev Bhaskar and Jo Brand, urges voters to think about the consequences 'for this cherished part of our national life.'

Victoria Beckham has declared that she cannot be bothered to try and make people like her. That's probably wise.

The Time Of Angels: The Return Of The Time-Traveller's Wife

'I've got pictures of all your faces!'

After the slightly (only slightly) disappointing Victory Of The Daleks last week comes a less shouty, more reflective, and far deeper conceit. In the best 'tomorrow belongs to me' tradition, The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other Gods Before He) takes another age-old Doctor Who staple - 'there's something nasty in them-there caves' - and makes of it a hymn to beguiling romance in the face of unbelievable danger. But, The Time Of Angel, remarkably, is more than merely that. The criteria is delicate and precise, the aesthetics are finely-tuned and deeply thought-about, with just the proper degree of darkness and shadow amid the wise-cracking light. In short, in a smart and elegant series of wise and brilliant set-pieces, this is the best Doctor Who episode since Midnight. Possibly, since Blink. It's that good. There's a proper story holding the thing together - a specific, measurable, agreed, realistic, time-bound plot. A story about trust and, quite literally, keeping the faith (in all its forms). A story about unknown agendas and hidden futures. A story about depth. Literal and emotional.

And the episode's metaphor, when it arrives is, unlike The Beast Below's - a light, tripping, ripple of a thing the glances by waving in the middle-distance. A study on artifice. Image becomes reality. You become what you consume. It's a conceit that sees Amy turning to stone and the Doctor entering The Maze of the Dead because, well, because that's what he does, isn't it? An episode based on a throwaway one-liner from an episode over two years ago ('have we done The Crash of the Byzantium yet?') but it's also one in which the back story is almost irrelevant to the blizzarding unreality of the future-imperfect. An episode which found time for small scale sarcasm ('River, hug Amy, I'm busy!') and much bigger scale sarcasm ('ooh, you sonic'd her!'). One that took the wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey to deal with big issues, medium moments and beautifully, wonderfully trivial and twatty microscopic flecks of cosmic lint billowing on the time winds. An episode about two people who keep meeting in the wrong order, and the hilarious consequences that ensue.

'I don't need you to die for me, Doctor – do I look that clingy?'

The Time of Angels is Doctor Who's hymn to wilful bravery, going into areas where it seldom dips a naked toe much less an arm and a leg. Sexual tension, the strength of religious belief, companion biting and the deliciousness of watching a - probably - married couple bickering about utter trivialities. Into the Doctor and Amy's mad-fun world strides good old River Song, all red shoes and lip gross, straight out of an episode of The Avengers ('Hello, sweetie!'). How can anyone resist an episode of pretty much anything that opens with a scene drawn from every great heist movie that's ever been made followed by a simple caption that informs the viewers 'Twelve thousand years later'?! Alex Kingston, having done all mystery and knowing winks two years ago in Silence of the Library, here puts in a big, huggably over-the-top performance, informed by experience and sheer front. This River Song is older, wiser, shockingly-brazen and yet, in her quiet moments, the wistful doomed heroine of before. And she knows it. River runs, and the Doctor runs with her.

Here we have Matt Smith, after four episodes, perfectly at home in the role. The irony that this was the first episode which he actually filmed isn't lost on this author. In a story featuring warriors monks, that the Doctor - the ultimate TV liberal pacifist - can pick up a gun to provide a cliffhanger, somehow, feels absolutely right in the way that The Seeds of Doom never, quite, did. The little scene with Sacred Scared Bob (lovely wordplay, I though), tiny and insignificant in many ways, was still the episode's soul. The assertion that fear is a positive, one the Doctor has cause to regret before the episode's end, nevertheless plays, in delightful ways, with one of the series' core values. We are, all of us, scared of death. And, we are ultimately redeemed by that fear. Usually. That's the theory, anyway. But try telling that to someone who's just died, alone and afraid like everybody else. When the Doctor hears the words 'I didn't escape sir, the angel killed me too. It snapped my neck. Sorry for the confusion,' his pain is manifest, not only for a life needlessly lost but also for a little piece of his own arsenal of universal truths that's been chipped by a thuggish unwelcome reminder that not everyone plays by the same rules.

'There's a difference between dormant and patient,' the Doctor tells River. It's a necessary rebuttal to her earlier displaying of annoying - if amusing - oneupmanship ('It's not supposed to make the noise!'). But, in half-a-story, Moffat has given the Doctor a new voice. One that he's needed, despite the great things that have been present in the last three episodes. A powerful, assertive tone which belies his callow face and huffy moments of tantrum. Dangerous. Alert. Wise. Deep thinking. That classical cocktail mix of cosmic hobo, chess player and time bomb. 'Didn't anyone ever tell you there's one thing you never put in a trap if you're smart? ... Me!' Doctor Who was a bit good tonight. If you haven't seen it yet because you were out doing something else, fire up your recording device or your iPlayer and prepare to be stunned.

Knowing When To Keep Ones Trap Shut

Chris Evans is to be reprimanded by BBC bosses over comments that he made about Adrian Chiles on his Radio 2 show, a report has claimed. The DJ was speaking to rugby stars Matt Dawson and Austin Healey in his usual breakfast slot on Wednesday when he joked about Chiles's decision to leave the corporation, the Mirror reports. The on-air chat reportedly saw Evans claiming that he could get Dawson and Healey screen tests to take over Chiles's position on The ONE Show. After Dawson said that he would feel like a 'warm-up act' for Evans, the broadcaster replied: 'You are not the warm-up act for me. That is what the other guy thought and look what happened to him.' A BBC source said: 'This will not go unnoticed and Chris will have to explain himself. He is almost certain to get a dressing down where he will be reminded he has to be careful what he says on air, especially when referring to The ONE Show. He shouldn't be seen criticising Adrian for leaving the BBC and shouldn't give the impression he is extremely influential on a series he has not started on yet.' A spokesperson for the corporation played-down the matter, insisting: 'Chris always comments on topics of the day.' So, dear blog reader, who's right, the 'source' or the 'spokesperson'?

Meanwhile, madly annoying Colin Murray has been unveiled as the new presenter of Match Of The Day 2. The thirty three-year-old, who has anchored football on Five and the BBC's BDO World Darts Championship coverage, replaces Adrian Chiles, who departed the BBC earlier this week. He will take over for the 2010-11 season, which starts in August. Murray will also present a World Cup highlights show, which will air on BBC2 at 10pm throughout the tournament in June and July.

Coronation Street's factory boss Carla Connor is to be wrongly charged with murder in a forthcoming storyline, a tabloid has claimed. The plot occurs after the businesswoman's crazed ex-husband Tony Gordon (Gray O'Brien) is killed off in the soap's upcoming siege horror, according to the Sun. Earlier this month, it was revealed that Tony is to hold Carla (Alison King) and Hayley Cropper (Julie Hesmondhalgh) captive at Underworld after escaping from prison. He arrives at the factory with a gun and ties up the pair. It is suggested that Tony will eventually let Hayley go free before setting the building on fire. In subsequent scenes, viewers will reportedly see Carla untie herself, grab Tony's gun and fire a shot which wounds him. While Carla manages to escape the burning factory, Tony is expected to die in the blaze. Police later examine his body and assume that the bullet killed him. A Weatherfield insider revealed: 'Things look very bleak for Carla as there are no witnesses to back up her story.' The plotline means that two Coronation Street characters are to face wrongful murder charges. Show favourite Gail McIntyre (Helen Worth) is already being held on remand after being accused of killing husband Joe.

Charlie Brooker has revealed that he wants to work on another scripted television show. Brooker, who previously wrote Big Brother zombie drama Dead Set, explained that he already has a concept in mind. 'I want to do another scripted TV show,' he told Shortlist. 'I think I'm supposed to be doing one next year. Doing Dead Set was a miserable experience, but I was glad I did it. You're creating a little world, which is fun.' Brooker added : 'I'm doing something which should be interesting. I don't want to jinx it but it's a sort of cross between Screenwipe and more scripted elements. But that's not until far, far into the future. I couldn't be more cryptic or dull.'

The parents of missing Madeleine McCann have agreed to make an appearance on GMTV next week, according to a report. Kate and Gerry McCann will pre-record an interview with Lorraine Kelly on Tuesday which will be seen on the presenter's GMTV With Lorraine slot the next day, the Mirror claims. It is thought that this is the only TV appearance that the couple will give before the third anniversary of Madeleine's disappearance in May. A source said: 'Lorraine's been very supportive of the family. This is a thank you and a reminder that she's still missing.'

Heroes could reportedly be heading back for a fifth and final season of thirteen episodes. Following rumours that NBC is unsure over the future of the show, the network's primetime president Angela Bromstead has now reassured fans that Heroes is likely to be given another run. The drama is expected to receive a thirteen-episode final season order along with NBC's other main title up for renewal Chuck. 'It is all yet to be debated,' Bromstead told The Hollywood Reporter. 'Both of those shows make sense with the new shows we'll be bringing on.'

It was the dancing dog act that reportedly 'thrilled' millions on Saturday night's opening episode of Britain's Got Talent. Whilst most 'normal' people didn't give a stuff one way or the other. But if you felt like the routine was a bit familiar, then you won't be surprised to learn that Tina and Chandi are TV veterans and have appeared on other talent contests. At least, according to a gloriously muck-raking nothing story by the Daily Mail. Rescue dog Chandi showed off ballet and quickstep moves with her owner Tina Humphrey, from Shropshire. But, shock-horror, she had already impressed viewers three years ago when the pair picked up a ten thousand pound prize after winning a heat of BBC1's When Will I Be Famous? presented by Graham Norton. They have also won prizes at Crufts for their act, as recently as last year, and have appeared on Blue Peter and Richard and Judy. An ITV spokesman confirmed that Britain's Got Talent does not enforce any rules blocking performers who have been on other TV shows.

Professor Brian Cox has admitted that he has found life 'strange' since his BBC science show debuted earlier this year. The physicist recently proved a hit with viewers when fronting Wonders Of The Solar System for BBC2. Speaking to the Manchester Evening News about the impact of the programme, Cox explained: 'I'm not able to go to the supermarket. It's made life very expensive. I have to take taxis everywhere. After being on Jonathan Ross and having five million people watching your show, people start to recognise you in the street. You get the paparazzi camping on your doorstep. It's been a very strange experience.' Cox, who is to appear in a new BBC project next year, added that Wonders eradicated the perception that 'science is difficult.' He said: 'I don't think the viewing public believe that. It is a myth among some TV executives. The audience for Wonders was nearly the same as for EastEnders.'

David Dickinson has reportedly landed his own show on ITV. The tango'd former Bargain Hunt presenter will take over the 5pm slot when Alan Titchmarsh's current programme finishes in May, the Sun reports. The David Dickinson Show is expected to include a mix of celebrity interviews and antiques. Get Bruce Forsyth on, mate, and kill two birds with one stone. A source explained: 'ITV has high hopes for David being their next breakout teatime chat show host.'

ITV Daytime has confirmed the details of three new cookery shows starting later this year. Dinner Date, Celebrity Pressure Cooker and Ten Mile Menus will air during the spring, summer and autumn on ITV. Hosted by Lorraine Kelly, Celebrity Pressure Cooker will feature celebrities attempting to cook in the style of professional chefs. Kirsten O'Brien, Christopher Biggins and Hardeep Singh Kohli are among the 'celebrities' lined-up for the series. Ten Mile Menus will also feature celebrity contestants, but will team them with professionals in competitions against each other, on location, around the country. Dinner Date, which is produced by Hat Trick, will feature single male and female contestants going on a series of three-course home-cooked dinners. At the end of the dinner dates, the single contestant will pick one of the cooks to take out for a romantic meal. 'This great new mixture of cookery based programming will complement an already highly successful lifestyle daytime slate which includes Loose Women, 60 Minute Makeover and This Morning,' said director of daytime, factual and GMTV Alison Sharman.

The Transfer Window

Steven Moffat has upheld a long-standing Doctor Who tradition by changing back the design of the door to the TARDIS. According to Metro, the drama's executive producer and showrunner is the man responsible for the return of the St John Ambulance badge on the front of the iconic police telephone box-cum multidimensional time craft. It had not appeared in around forty two years, dating back to William Hartnell and Patrick Troughton's eras in the title role during the 1960s. 'Steven wanted to stamp his own mark on the exterior as well as the interior, and he's a big fan of the Peter Cushing movie version, so re-added the logo,' a source told the newspaper. Albeit, this was 'news' six months ago to anyone with vague fandom connections! Meanwhile, a spokesman for the show revealed: 'The TARDIS has changed many times throughout Doctor Who's history, and we have been really happy with the great reception that the new TARDIS interior and exterior have received from fans.'

The Fox Network has decided not to continue with plans for a US version of Torchwood. BBC Worldwide have issued a statement saying that 'BBC Worldwide Productions and the FOX Broadcasting Company have mutually agreed not to progress together with a thirteen-episode serialized 'Torchwood' format. We are currently in discussion with several interested networks.' yeah. It's always seemed a very unlikely marriage given some of Torchwood's ... ways, let's put it that way! FOX's involvement in developing an American version of the series was first reported in January. Russell Davies was reported to be writing a pilot script, with Julie Gardner and Jane Tranter acting as executive producers. Tranter said that despite the withdrawal of FOX from the project, it is 'still very much ongoing and very much alive.' Tranter has also dismissed rumours that an American version of Doctor Who was being planned. 'It may well be confusing to have a British Doctor and an American Doctor at the same time' she said, 'there is only one Doctor, so I don't see that happening.'

Friday Night with Jonathan Ross has been forced to change its guest line-up this week. Demi Moore, Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow have all cancelled their scheduled appearances on the chatshow due to the volcano ash disruption of transatlantic flights. According to Broadcast, Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson and living legend, the god damn Modfather himself Paul Weller will instead make up the rest of Ross's guests alongside Pineapple Dance Studios star Louis Spence. 'With flights having resumed, we are still working on the possibility of getting one or more of them over but at the moment it's a domestic line-up,' a source said.

Helen Mirren has called on movie bosses to stop typecasting British actors as villains. But, we're so good at it! The actress insisted that Britons are 'an easy target' for Hollywood stereotypes, and wants the US to know that people from England are not limited to 'just the Royal Family.' No, indeed. We can do The Royle Family as well. Mind you, I think that's a bit rich coming from an actress who's best known for her portrayal of the queen, frankly. 'I think it's rather unfortunate that the villain in every movie is always British, we're such an easy target that they can comfortably make the Brits the villains,' she told the Daily Telegraph. 'It's just nice to say we're not snooty, stuck up, malevolent, malignant creatures as we're so often portrayed. We're actually kind of cool and hip! It's very important to let Americans know that we're not just the Royal Family, there's a lot more to us than that.' You go, girl! Mirren added: 'I love the idiosyncrasy of the British people, I love the eccentric nature of the British people, their boldness in fashion and I think the Brits have a very good eye for taste. They have a very good eye for what's cool and hip and nuts.' Yeah. Spot on. But, hey, don't use the word 'hip,' in this context Helen, that was last fashionable in about 1971.

Ben Shephard's agent has issued a statement confirming his departure from GMTV. The thirty five-year-old presenter, who has worked on the ITV breakfast show for ten years, will not renew his contract and is in discussions about new projects. 'Ben's two-year contract with GMTV is up at the end of April,' reads the statement. 'Earlier this year, his management made it clear that he would not be renewing it, but would be happy to stay on temporarily during this transitional period. Ben is excited about moving on after ten incredible years and will be focusing on a number of new projects with ITV and other channels.' QVC?

Meanwhile, according to the Daily Scum Mail the transfer window is throwing up another major move. Katie Derham is said to be quitting ITN for a two hundred and fifty grand move to the BBC. The thirty nine-year-old newsreader has been a stalwart of ITN for twelve years and has anchored the lunchtime news since 2004. It is understood she has decided to move outside the newsroom and will focus on fresh projects at the BBC, including hosting its coverage of the Proms. Derham was believed to be on a salary of around two hundred thousand smackers a year at ITN and will receive a pay rise as she prepares to front a variety of shows for the corporation.

A Muslim has reportedly warned the creators of South Park that they could face violent retribution for depicting the Prophet Muhammad in a bear suit in a recent episode. A posting on the website of the US-based group, Revolution Muslim, told Matt Stone and Trey Parker they would 'probably wind up like Theo Van Gogh.' The Dutch film-maker Van Gogh was shot and stabbed to death in 2004 by an Islamist angered by his film about Muslim women. The posting gave details about a home Stone and Parker reportedly co-own. It also listed the addresses of their production office in California and the New York office of South Park's broadcaster, Comedy Central. 'We have to warn Matt and Trey that what they are doing is stupid and they will probably wind up like Theo Van Gogh for airing this show,' warned the posting, written in the name of Abu Talhah Al-Amrikee. 'This is not a threat, but a warning of the reality of what will likely happen to them,' it added. Al-Amrikee later told The Associated Press that the posting was not an incitement to violence. It had been published to raise awareness of the issue and to see that it did not happen again, he added. A Comedy Central spokesman said the network had no comment to make. In the two hundredth episode of South Park broadcast last week, Muhammad appears several times inside a bear suit. The prophets of the other main religions are also depicted, including a drug-snorting Buddha. In 2006, Comedy Central banned Stone and Parker from showing an image of Muhammad in an episode that was intended to be part of a comment on the controversy caused by the publication of caricatures of the prophet by a Danish newspaper. Muslims consider any physical representation of their prophet to be blasphemous and the caricatures sparked mass protests worldwide. And, just to confirm, the photo illustrating this item - see right - is not the prophet Muhammad. Rather, it's a bloke in a bear costume. Totally different. Just so we're, you know, absolutely clear about this.

The BBC has denied parents claims that an episode of Panorama misrepresented its participants. Sharon Ball, who appeared in the Spoilt Rotten? investigation with her son Leon, recently alleged that the show had been misleading. Ball, whose six-year-old son weighs ten stone eight pounds, said that she was asked to pick him up from school with a wheelchair and told to give him a large plate of food when he was not hungry. However, a BBC spokesperson refuted Ball's claims, insisting that the show had represented the participants fairly. 'This was a well-researched investigation into child health issues including obesity and we are grateful to Sharon and Leon Ball for helping us to report a health issue that affects a large number of people in the UK,' the spokesman said. 'However, we did not - as your report alleges - mislead the family in any way about the purpose of the film. Neither did we "stage" or set up scenes of her son eating or using a wheelchair. His own doctor's assessment is that Leon is facing issues with his lifestyle and this was clearly reflected in the film. Until we started filming we were not even aware that the family used a wheelchair for him. We simply showed the audience what we observed.' The representative added: 'We hope that viewers would agree that our reporter was clearly sensitive to the feelings of the family - and we wish them well in the future.'

BBC2 has commissioned a new sitcom pilot from Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. Life's Too Short will be an observational comedy which centres around the day-to-day life of British actor Warwick Davies.

Hollyoaks actor Ricky Whittle appeared in court yesterday to deny a charge of dangerous driving. The actor, who recently filmed his final scenes as Calvin Valentine on the Chester-based soap, appeared before Liverpool Crown Court to answer an allegation that he struck a photographer with his car last year. After entering a not guilty plea, Whittle was bailed until 9 August, when his trial will begin. The case is expected to last for up to four days. Whittle was arrested last November after his vehicle allegedly collided with paparazzo Steve Farrell as he left a party in Liverpool. He was officially charged with dangerous driving a month later.

Sony Pictures is reportedly developing a film version of the long-running US sitcom I Dream of Jeannie. The studio has hired United States of Tara writer Sheila Callaghan to script the movie, according to the Los Angeles Times. The original series ran from 1965 to 1970 and featured Barbara Eden as a wish-granting genie, along with Larry Hagman, Bill Daily and Hayden Rorke. A number of filmmakers have been attached to proposed movie projects based on the series throughout the years. The latest attempt at the remake is said to have 'somewhat of a feminist slant.'