Question 'Twixt Þe Famous Rhyme And Þe Famous Rhythm Puzzle

Good grief, Christina! Lordy, Lordy, gimme a gnu, somebody! It's the very famous From The North blog signal, so it is. And, so (relatively) soon after the last one. Let there be great and righteous rejoicing throughout the land (and, in all of the other places where From The North is read too as this blogger does not want anyone to feel left out). 

Anyway, enough of such frivolous malarkey and pointless shenanigans and all that; this latest From The North bloggerisationism update must start with what this blogger suggests is a necessary statement for The Ages. About The Situation. You feel me? Don't knock it, once the bombs start a-fallin', the petrol runs out and the Interweb stops working, we'll all like as not be speaking to each other like it was the Fifth Century shortly after The Romans buggered off. Therefore ... 

Followed, obviously, by another - equally important - statement for The Ages. Yes, dear fiends, this blogger believes between them, those two just about sum up the current mood of The World at this present juncture. 

In this latest - somewhat shorter than usual but, still, perfectly formed - From The North update type affair, dear blog fiends, our first 'makes you think, dunnit?' lesson of the week is this. Sort of goes with the territory, one could suggest without any fear of contradiction.

Subsequent to the last From The North bloggerisationisms update and the red-hot news story about the recent announcement of the - welcome - recovery of two 1965 vintage Doctor Who episodes, if Ladybird are looking for an author for this potential addition to their range, this blogger would like them to be aware that he is thoroughly available for the job. And, they should also be advised, that he reckons he could probably knock-up a decent, accurate and mostly non-anoraky twenty to thirty thousand words of text to go along with their artwork in less than a week (without, once, using the words 'telerecording', 'junked' or, indeed, 'Ian Levine'). A one-time take-it-or-leave-it offer, Ladybird.

Opening paragraph: 'Once upon a long ago, when the world was very, very young and dinosaurs roamed the Earth, there were two hundred and fifty three monochrome episodes of Doctor Who held by the BBC, on either videotape or film, in a big building in West London. They were happy their, doing no one any harm. Then, something jolly strange happened. Somebody - and, to this day no one knows exactly whom - got a bit previous with the incinerator and burned a shit-load of them. For a laugh. Allegedly. It was, said the fans when they found out this had occurred, "a bit of a shame."' Et cetera. This blogger reckons it's got some serious potential.

Also since last this blogger blogged, like a big, broad, massive and hard blogging thing, he has been back to The Keel Row again with his close, personal chum Youngling Malcolm. Having a right good afternoon oot on Th' Lash, like if you must know. Well, if a couple of Pepsis and a couple of Orange Juices count as 'oot on Th' Lash, like'. More 'oot on Th' Pop' if truth be told. Literally. What can this blogger use as an excuse? Other than the usual, he's 'on pills for his nerves.' 

Next up, a jolly important Public Service Announcement for all of those not currently 'on pills for their nerves.' The lucky bastards. 

Sometimes, dear blog fiend, no further words are necessary. But, something they really are. 

Which brings us, more rapidly than usual dearest fiends, to the latest From The North Headline Of The Week award nominees. Starting with what appears to be a case of attempted murder by the Irish Independent. Bloody Saint Patrick, he managed to get the snakes out of Ireland no trouble but he refused to shut the door on the Corvids, it would appear.

Followed by an absolutely necessary bit of advice to all manufacturers of electric toothbrushes. You really should put a warning in red on the box when they're selling those things that the customer has to be extremely careful where they actually put it. And, no, Electric Toothbrush Incident never actually did a session for The John Peel Show. But, they probably should have.

The BBC News website (which used to be run by adults) are up next, reporting about a case of mistaken identity in relation to an, ahem, cereal offender. Come on! 

Meanwhile, there are some seriously funny goings-on happening down in Wiltshire, it would seem. I mean, we've all got our crosses to bear along with our meaty packages, have we not? This blogger knows he, certainly, has. 

So, do we think the photographer from Macclesfield News asked this lady to affect the aggressively scowling expression on her mush that she's sporting in this image or, could that actually be her default look? One could go either way on this particular score.

This next one, from the Independent (the newspaper for Middle Class hippy Communists who can't afford the Gruniad Morning Star) is funny because, a) they said 'boner' in their headline and b) ... No, actually, if this blogger is being honest here, there is no b, it's just a veritable shitload of a. Also, do we think this was the kind of writing that 'Rachel Dobkin in New York' thought she'd be doing when she became an - alleged - journalist in the first place? (I mean, this blogger is using 'journalist' in the widest possible sense of the word since this is the risible Independent we're talking about, here.)

There are, of course, some questions that we've all needed to ask at one time or another in our collective lives, even if they were rhetorical. Like this one, for instance.

Or, indeed, this one. Though one has to wonder where, exactly, these alleged 'scientists' would like us to stick the sharpie in question. This blogger has his own ideas on that issue but theirs (and, indeed, yours, dear blog fiend) may vary. 

Some Middle Class hippy Communist faux-naïf turnip at the Gruniad Morning Star got paid, actual honest-to-God money, to write this. Or rather, being somewhat more accurate, to cut and paste something previously reported by CNN a few days earlier. The journalistic equivalent of copying someone else's homework and then passing it off as your own, one could suggest. And, indeed, this blogger just has. 

Of course, the Daily Torygraph clearly believes that their readership are more concerned about this kind of slappable avarice-happy Upper Middle Class Reform-voting bollocks. And, almost certainly, they are wholly correct in that assertion. A tip sweetheart; if you buy a house with a biodegradable roof, doing be surprised if it, you know, biodegrades. 

Next, they'll be publishing a story detailing how crass, ignorant snobbery is alive and kicking in certain part of The Home Counties ...

... or, indeed, demonstrating the hateful priorities (and abject stupidity) of the extremely idle rich.

Mind you, dear blog fiends, to be scrupulously fair, the latter sort of 'oh, woe is me' crap is also alive and kicking at the Daily Scum Mail. So, no surprise there, then.

Still, at least the Scum Mail - for all its many, many, many (and, one can add as many 'many's as one feels comfortable with) faults - doesn't make their online readers pay to have a gander at this sort of 'bring out the world's smallest violin'-style rubbish. Such as, for example, another classic tragically hidden behind the Torygraph's paywall. Ones heart bleeds for you, 'Too Rich' pal. 

Thankfully, unlike the nationals, Chris Bishop at the Eastern Daily Press actually does have his finger firmly pressed on the pulse of the nation when it comes to stories that people actually give a gnat's chuff about. Pulitzer Prize winning stuff, there, Chris, matey. The phone call from Columbia University is, surely, coming your way any second now. 

And so we reach the serious part of this latest From The North update, dear blog fiends. This, I'm afraid, is it, the Beginning of The End. We've all been waiting for it and now it's finally arrived. Skynet is going live as we speak and the machines are about to take over. There us, clearly, no stopping them. And this blogger, for one, wishes to welcome our new metallic Cyborg overloads and would like to remind them that, as a best-selling, internationally-respected author, journalist, broadcaster and blogger, Keith Telly Topping can be helpful to them in rounding up other humans to toil in their mechanised underground kraftwerk.

So, remember to unplug your toaster tonight, dear blog fiends. Unless you want to be attacked in your bed by it (and two slices of well-done Warburtons). You have been warned.

A 'magical island'? Off the Wirral? By Hell, they must've been smoking something considerably stronger than Woodbines that night on Merseyside.

It is reported that this chap previously had a, if you will, clean record. Oh, come on, I'm working with limited material, here ... 

The most mind-bendingly amazing thing about this story is the completely unexpected revelation that they have Greggs in Brighton. Though, also, it would appear the seagulls down there have competition when it comes to nicking people's food from out of their hands.

Overseas (fake) news now, dear blog fiends and, if you're wondering, yes, this is almost certainly another example of made-up bollocks. But, it's funny made-up bollocks at least. And, the final line manages the near-impossible (happy) feat of making it art. 

Of course, we simply couldn't have a From The North Headline o' the Week/Fortnight/Month/Year award-type event without at least one contribution from the good old reliable-as-ever Metro (so, not a real newspaper). This one, thankfully, is a twenty four carat beauty.

Moving on, swiftly, to the What The Actual Flip? part of this latest From The North bloggerisationism update and a further collection of quality 'makes you think, dunnit?' moments. 

Number one: Are they intending to be 'singing, singing buttercups and daisies'? They surely must. Makes you think, dunnit?

Number two: To quote That There Mister George Harrison, Scouser of Distinction, in an episode of The Simpsons, 'nah, it's been done.' Makes you think, dunnit?

Number three: 'Punk had a glass jaw', it would seem. Along with a glass everything else. Makes you think, dunnit?

Finally, this blogger would like to take this opportunity to stand up and heartily applaud MC Hammer's brave and striking new-look image.

And, on that bombshell, dear blog fiends, From The North will return.

Eventually.