From the North...

The Patron Saint Of Small Things

2012-01-27T14:42:00.001Z

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping has some genuinely sad news to bring you, dear blog reader, ITV's Comical Ali-style head of press James MacLeod has, apparently, left the broadcaster. Thus we will no longer have the genius of his occasional tweets arse-lickingly bigging-up the latest Simon Cowell slavver or trying, manfully, to excuse the disaster that was Red or Black? Few, who saw it, will ever be able to forget his brazen claim that Red or Black? had 'reached twenty four million viewers' a figure obtained by simply adding together the audiences for all seven episodes. We'll miss you, man. Seriously. Like Morecambe and Wise, you brought sunshine to the world. Let's hope James' replacement, Mike Large, will prove to be half as entertaining in future.

ITV's flop fantasy drama Eternal Law lost out to Crimewatch in Thursday night's 9pm ratings battle. Created by the makers of Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes, the series' fourth episode drew 3.1m and one hundred and twenty nine thousand viewers on ITV+1, a slight improvement on last week's low. Crimewatch led the hour with 4.2m for BBC1, whilst the penultimate edition of Celebrity Big Brother had an audience of 2.4m. Against ITV's hour of soaps from 8pm, the final Earthflight was watched by 4.07m on BBC1. BBC2 documentaries Saxon Hoard: A Golden Discovery and Putin, Russia and the West were watched by 1.84m and 1.02m. Overall, BBC1 won primetime with 21.2 per cent versus ITV's 20.7 per cent. On the multichannel networks, Mad Dogs mustered seven hundred and twenty five thousand for Sky1.

This blogger has two thoughts for today, dear blog reader. The first is this -

Which is pretty self-explanatory. The second is a shade more conceptual.

And, on that bombshell...

Mark Thompson, the BBC's director general, has allegedly signalled to senior colleagues that he is ready to step down, with alleged 'insiders' allegedly believing he will allegedly quit at the end of 2012 or early in 2013, at the end of the broadcaster's Olympic year. This is according to the Gruniad Morning Star, of course, so no obvious or quite sick agenda is at work here. No, siree, Bob. Thompson has, the paper claims, 'not given an exact timetable' for his departure, but alleged 'friends' allegedly say that he allegedly acknowledges he has allegedly entered the 'final chapter' of his eight-year director generalship and is allegedly 'psychologically ready' to leave a job that paid him an alleged seven hundred and seventy grand last year. Allegedly. Thompson took over the helm at the BBC in the wake of the resignations of Greg Dyke as director general and Gavyn Davies as chairman after stinging criticism of the corporation in Lord Hutton's report on the death of the government weapons inspector Dr David Kelly. Stinging criticism which, with hindsight, proved to be completely wrong. Knowledge that Thompson's time is allegedly drawing to an alleged close will, allegedly, 'trigger a succession race' that, allegedly, could see a woman appointed to run the BBC for the first time: Caroline Thomson (not relation), chief operating officer, and Helen Boaden, head of news, are two of the three best placed internal candidates. Allegedly. Their main rival, the Gruniad state, is the low-key but cerebral George Entwistle, recently appointed head of BBC Vision, the corporation's TV channels. However, with no obvious frontrunner, the job could easily fall to an outsider, with Peter Fincham, ITV's director of television, who resigned from the BBC in the wake of the 'Crowngate' editing row, and Channel Four's chief executive, David Abraham, possible contenders. American TV executives are likely to be deterred by a long-standing pledge that the salary for the job be cut, but Mark Scott, who runs the Australian public broadcaster, ABC, has relevant experience and would be a credible contender. Eager to demolish any speculation that there has been a falling out with the BBC Trust chairman, Lord Patten, 'insiders' say that Thompson told the peer at the time of Patten's appointment last year that he intended to step down sometime before the chairman's term ended in 2015. That process moved forward when the BBC Trust appointed headhunters to draw up a succession plan, and accelerated on Monday when Patten chose an interview with The Times to confirm that the executive search firm Egon Zehnder had started preliminary work so that 'when the time comes' the BBC had an 'intelligent view' of possible successors. Thompson, the Gruniad claim, with no supporting evidence other than unnamed sources, was initially 'piqued' that Patten had begun to talk so openly about a BBC without him in charge, and his initial response was to have the BBC issue a statement saying that there was no vacancy for the director generalship, as he hoped to concentrate on preparations for what he describes as 'the biggest year in the BBC's history,' with the diamond jubilee in June and the Olympics in July. However, as speculation about the purpose of appointing a headhunting firm swirled at a media industry convention on Wednesday, Thompson - the Gruniad state - 'began to make his intentions clear to demonstrate he was on board with Patten's announcement.' BBC 'sources', the newspaper claim, said that Egon Zehnder – where David Cameron's close friend, the former Conservative special adviser Dom Loenhis, works on behalf of media clients – had been advising the broadcaster since the search that led to the promotion of Entwistle last summer to the job held by Thompson a decade ago. Thompson has long felt a stay of eight years in the top job was 'about right,' roughly the norm for successful director generals since the sixteen-year tenure of the broadcaster's esteemed first head, Lord John Reith. Leaving in the next year would allow his successor to lead the long negotiations in the run-up to the renewal of the BBC's governing royal charter, which expires at the end of 2016. Previous charter renewals have taken as long as three years. Thompson is unlikely to be short of offers of work after what has largely been seen as a successful tenure in which the BBC has navigated a storm of technological changes to remain the country's most watched broadcaster, with the help of the iPlayer. Arriving alongside Michael Grade in 2004, Thompson was able to maintain the BBC's reputation for quality and impartiality – although the middle part of his tenure saw the corporation engulfed in rows about fixing phone-in competitions, and the abusive messages left by Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross on the voicemail of Andrew Sachs. A clamour to rein in generous BBC budgets was headed off by the risky decision to agree a flat licence fee with the coalition government in 2010, while the political environment has become benign in the last year as the phone-hacking scandal and ensuing Leveson inquiry have moved the focus on to Fleet Street. Thompson's time was also punctuated by recurring industrial action and an inability to dampen down unease about executive pay (and in particular his own salary – a subject on which he was taken to task by PD James on the Today programme). It has long been speculated, the Gruniad allege, that he is 'interested in working in the United States', the native country of his wife, the writer Jane Blumberg, where he would be able to command a far higher salary than he earns at the publicly-funded broadcaster. But 'friends' say Thompson is 'remaining coy' about his ambitions as he tries to contain the inevitable speculation at a time when the BBC cannot afford to be seen to be putting a foot wrong. Patten said on Wednesday he had 'never belonged to an organisation' that had done succession planning well and wanted to ensure there was a plan for the BBC. Concerned that the corporation's history in appointing director generals was flooded with 'blood on the carpet' and 'briefings', the chairman insisted that Thompson would leave 'at a time of his own choosing.'

Karen Gillan cleaned up at the National TV Awards so it's no surprise to discover that she intends to keep her prize in her bathroom. The actress won the Best Female Drama Performance award on Wednesday night for her role as Amy Pond in Doctor Who. Karen – who pipped Suranne Jones, Eve Myles and Jaye Jacobs to the award – said: 'I'm going to put it in the bathroom. I could keep it on the side of my bath next to the shower gel. It's fantastic I won on Burns Night. My parents are going to be so proud of me. I wasn’t expecting that and then to stand in front of that many people in the O2 Arena just screaming, I was trembling afterwards.' Karen revealed she only just made it on stage. She said: 'I was late because of the crazy traffic in London. So I got there and then they called out my name. So there wasn't a second to spare.' Winning the award is a nice goodbye for Karen, who will leave Doctor Who during the next series which begins filming next month. She said: 'I am so sad to be leaving Doctor Who. I have had the best years of my life on this job. But it's time to go on to other things and all stories come to their natural end.' Karen - seen on Thursday night in BBC4's excellent We'll Take Manhatten - will film in Scotland for the first time since becoming a star when she shoots a Glasgow-set rom-com Not Another Happy Ending. She said: 'I play an eccentric writer.'

Writer and performer Julia Davis is to join Sky Atlantic in a new project described as 'a black comedy.' Hunderby has been picked up for seven half-hour episodes by the channel. The latest Sky commission is Davis' first project since since the award-winning - if little watched - Nighty Night. Davis's style of comedy has set her apart from her contemporaries, Sky state, and the broadcaster believes she is one of 'the most unique talents around.' The seven episodes of Hunderby will be set in the 1800s which features Helene, a shipwreck survivor washed ashore near a small English village. There, she is swept off her feet by widowed pastor Edmund and the two soon marry, the puritanical Edmund believing his bride to be untouched by another man. But she has a history, a dark past that she cannot escape. As Helene moves into Edmund's home, she falls under the watchful eye of housekeeper Dorothy who is more than a little involved in her master's life, and quite obsessed with his dead first wife, Arabelle - to whom Helene simply does not compare. While Helene battles to keep her past a secret, she must navigate Dorothy’s devious scheming, her husband's harsh critique and a potential new love interest. Davis said of the new comedy, 'I'm so excited to be making a series for Sky Atlantic HD, a channel that has so many of my favourite shows from around the world. It's great to be working with Stuart Murphy and Lucy Lumsden again.' In a Gothic setting populated by the requisite cast of fiends, physicians, hunchbacks, wastrels, maids, crones, and a puppy called Wilfred, Hunderby Sky hopes will have a 'dark and absurd humour.' Naomi Gibney, the Acting Channel Director, Sky Atlantic said: 'Sky Atlantic is committed to creating smart and engaging British comedy that will resonate with our target audience. Together with Kathy Burke's Walking and Talking, Hunderby is a key title in our stellar comedy line-up.'

We don't normally do US ratings on this blog but it's worth noting that Marg Helgenberger's exit gave CSI a season high on Wednesday night. Catherine Willows's last case, Willows in the Wind, attracted an overnight audience of just over fourteen million viewers to CBS in the 10pm hour. That's the series highest rating for an episode since January 2011.

Lord Justice Leveson has indicated that he believes social networks such as Twitter and Facebook should be treated differently from newspapers in any new regulatory regime for the media. Leveson said on Thursday there was a difference between an online version of a newspaper or an online magazine and social media websites which are hosting conversations between individuals. 'I think that I might see there is a distinction between Facebook, where one person is communicating with their friends, or Twitter, and organisations that are in the business of selling themselves with reference to news or information. That is the difference between the pub chatter, to take the analogy that was mentioned before, and that which the state – I don't mean government, I say immediately, but the broad corpus of all of us – has an interest in seeing as a level playing field,' he added. Leveson has stressed on several occasions during his inquiry that he has not reached any conclusions about the best form of future press regulation, but is seeking to explore potential options in his discussions with witnesses. He has publicly grappled with the question of regulation of the Internet, after hearing how celebrities and public figures have found it difficult to stop offensive material or private photos being spread virally almost instantly. He has also heard a succession of national newspaper editors and proprietors say they believe that news aggregators such as the Huffington Post should be encouraged to join any new regulatory regime, otherwise traditional print media could be subject to stricter regulation and left at a disadvantage. Last year Leveson heard from Harry Potter author JK Rowling, who told how she fears photographs of her children, taken without consent, are still on the Internet. 'A lie can spread around the world before the truth had got its boots on,' she said. Former Formula 1 boss Max Mosley told of his half a million smackers battle to have false 'Nazi' references removed from the Internet after he won a privacy action against the Scum of the World. He said that he was forced to sue Google in France and Germany to get the libellous content taken down and has launched legal action in twenty two or twenty three countries. Mosley described his strenuous efforts to get articles removed from websites, adding: 'The fundamental thing is that Google could stop this appearing but they don't or won't as a matter of principle.' On Thursday Google executives defended their policies on libel and defamation to Leveson, telling the judge they 'complied with local law around the world.' Daphne Keller, the legal director of Google, said material would be removed in a matter of days if they were shown a court order where a judge found material to be defamatory. Keller confirmed hundreds of references to Mosley had been removed, but said that he would have to apply individually to have webpage URLs removed from Google's sites in different countries. The inquiry also heard on Thursday from the co-founder of gossip site Popbitch, who told Leveson that the service she provided was very different to that of newspapers because it was on the Internet. She said unlike a newspaper, it was a 'two-way conversation' and readers expected to be able to respond to stories, give feedback and help shape stories about celebrities. Camilla Wright told the Leveson inquiry that she had 'certain rules' about not covering health issues or children but it was very difficult to 'say where the line would be' between 'legitimate public interest' and 'stories the public is interested in.' She added: 'It's a moving line, there's no absolute line. We look at who is making themselves influential and if so are they living up to it.' She said that a lot of celebrities 'live beyond their talent' - which is certainly true - and 'put themselves in the public eye' and Popbitch liked to provide a 'counter point' to that and to poke fun at them and their silly ways. 'They [celebrities] are there for our fun and it can be a bit darker and they are for people to joke at,' she told Leveson, adding 'you can't choose when are you are public and when you are private.'

Channel Four is aiming to launch a new TV service which would allow viewers to watch repeats of its best shows from June, if it can iron out differences with Virgin Media to secure the final deal needed for maximum distribution on digital platforms. The new channel, referred to internally as Project Shuffle, will allow viewers who missed the first live broadcast of Channel Four's most popular shows multiple opportunities to catch up with them over the next seven nights. 'Sources with knowledge of the plan', according to the Gruniad, are quick to distance it from suggestions that it will be like Gold, the UKTV-subscription service that repeats archived mainly BBC shows. 'In the old days, repeats were bad things – but you have to remember that this is not just an attempt to make a UK Gold, this is new, popular stuff just transmitted in the UK,' said one alleged 'source' whom the Gruniad claim is 'familiar with the plan.' The launch date for the new channel has not yet been confirmed but it is 'understood' that June is currently the most likely target, 'although it is thought that Channel Four would like to have it on air earlier.' Two media industry 'sources', the Gruniad claim, said they 'understand' that Channel Four has lined-up a Freeview slot for the channel and it is thought a deal with BSkyB has also been reached. However, the paper adds, talks with Virgin Media are understood to have been more difficult, with the cable operator said to be 'wary' about giving the green light to a channel that could provide direct competition to its own catch-up TV offering. One source with knowledge of Project Shuffle said it is 'a tiny bit like Sky Anytime but more really the equivalent of staggercast or video-on-demand on your TV, delivered as scheduled viewing.'

The Conservative MP and former defence secretary, Liam Fox, has been told by police investigating phone-hacking that he was targeted by a private investigator. Fox said in a statement on Thursday that he was seeking legal advice after his bank details were found on records seized under Scotland Yard's Operation Weeting investigation into phone-hacking. 'Dr Fox confirms that he has been informed by the police that attempts were made to hack into his voicemail,' the statement said. 'His bank details and a number of financial transactions were found in the records they have been investigating as part of the Operating Weeting.' Investigations are said to be 'ongoing' and Fox is currently consulting his lawyers. It is not clear exactly when Fox is alleged to have been targeted. The Tory MP resigned as defence secretary in October 2011 following intense media scrutiny about his links to businessman Adam Werritty. Fox held a number of senior positions when the Conservative party were in opposition, including shadow health secretary between 1999 and 2003, chairman of the Conservative party between 2003 and 2005, shadow foreign secretary for six months up to December 2010, and shadow defence secretary until May 2010. The Metropolitan police declined to comment. Seventeen suspects have so far been arrested under Operation Weeting. The Scotland Yard investigation is working its way through many thousands of e-mails and notes seized from Glenn Mulcaire, the private investigator who worked for the disgraced and disgraceful Scum of the World before being jailed for phone-hacking in 2007.

The veteran media and entertainment executive Lord Grade is to give evidence at the Leveson inquiry next week, when it will scrutinise the workings of the Press Complaints Commission. Grade, whose colourful media career spans six decades and includes stints as a talent agent, US TV producer, chairman of Camelot and Pinewood Studios, as well as senior positions at the BBC, ITV and Channel Four, will appear on Tuesday in his role as a PCC commissioner. The week will also give the PCC a chance to salvage its reputation, which has taken a mauling since the phonehacking scandal erupted last July. Politicians – including David Cameron and the lack of culture secretary the vile and odious rascal Hunt – have called for the PCC to be replaced with a new press regulator with beefed-up powers, a move that is backed by several national newspaper editors. The PCC has also faced sustained criticism at the Leveson inquiry from victims of alleged press harassment. Six witnesses with current or past connections to the PCC, including Grade, have been lined-up for the inquiry, with the body's current director Stephen Abell and his predecessor Tim Toulmin appearing on Monday. On Tuesday, Grade will be joined by the former PCC chairman and ex-British ambassador to the US, Sir Christopher Meyer.

'How Beeb downplayed its use of private eyes,' thundered the odious stinking filth at the Daily Scum Mail on Thursday, as it accused BBC News of 'virtually ignoring' evidence from director general Mark Thompson to the Leveson inquiry that the corporation had spent three hundred thousand quid on private investigators in a six years period. Strangely, however, when the Scum Mail covered the inquiry on 5 December – when Lord Justice Leveson heard how the names of journalists had been found at private investigator Steve Whittamore's Hampshire home – it described the 'veritable treasure trove' of material, yet failed to mention that it topped the list of titles using Whittamore's services, with nine hundred and fifty two requests, involving fifty eight of its scum journalists. And in the Scum Mail's Leveson coverage on 12 January, towards the end of a page eight story How Hugh Grant got his facts wrong, by the Mail's legal chief were a few paragraphs about Scum Mail on Sunday editor Peter Wright's use of Whittamore. So no downplaying the use of private eyes there, then.

Most of the surviving members of Monty Python's Flying Circus are set to reunite for another film, Terry Jones has confirmed. Jones told trade newspaper Variety that he would direct the science fiction picture, Absolutely Anything. 'It's not a Monty Python picture, but it certainly has that sensibility,' he said. Jones revealed John Cleese, Terry Gilliam and Michael Palin were all 'on board' and that he still hoped to sign Eric Idle. That's if Eric isn't too busy hanging around with rock stars in LA like her usually is. The last time the five remaining members of the comedy group appeared together was in 1998 at the Aspen Comedy Festival. In the new CGI movie, the Pythons will provide voices for a group of aliens who grant a human being immense power, which eventually leads to 'all sorts of disruption.' A talking dog named Dennis will be voiced by Robin Williams. Jones co-directed the 1974 film Monty and the Holy Grail with Terry Gilliam and was the sole director for Life Of Brian (1979) and The Meaning of Life (1983). In June, it was announced that Cleese, Gilliam, Palin and Jones would voice a 3D animated film based on the memoirs of the late Graham Chapman, the sixth Python, who died in 1989. However, Idle was not involved in that film, which is expected to be released later this year.

Veteran actor John Hurt will receive the outstanding contribution to cinema award at the BAFTA's next month, it has been announced. 'I know that film means a great deal to me but I had no idea that I meant so much to film,' the seventy two-year-old said. BAFTA chairman Tim Corrie said the actor has an 'extraordinary screen presence' and brings 'utter conviction to every role he undertakes.' His film credits include The Elephant Man and Nineteen Eighty-Four. In 1976 he was presented with his first BAFTA award for his role as Quentin Crisp in the TV drama The Naked Civil Servant. Since then he has received a further two more trophies for Midnight Express and The Elephant Man, while earning further nominations for Alien, The Field and, most recently, the 2009 sequel to Naked Civil Servant, An Englishman in New York. He has also been nominated for two Academy Awards, for The Elephant Man and Midnight Express. Recent screen roles have included Ollivander in the Harry Potter series and the role of Control in the Oscar-nominated Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. Corrie added: 'He is one of a kind, an iconic figure, and BAFTA is delighted to take this opportunity to honour his outstanding contribution to cinema.' Silent movie The Artist leads this year's BAFTAs with twelve nominations, including best film and best director. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy is close behind with eleven nominations. The BAFTAs awards take place on 12 February in London. The ceremony will be hosted by comedian and broadcaster Stephen Fry and will be broadcast on BBC1.

The latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day comes from The Rubettes 'we're just like The Beatles, honest' phase. Top tune, frankly. (Point of interest, this Top of the Pops appearance was one of the few episodes presented by the instantly forgettable Paul Burnett.)

She's Built For Speed

2012-01-26T16:22:00.001Z

Matt Smith revealed backstage at the National Television Awards that he has 'no plans to leave' Doctor Who in the immediate future. Not that anyone who actually matters had ever indicated for a single second that he did have plans to leave, of course, but still ... When asked whether his co-star Karen Gillan's exit had changed his mind on how long he would stay on the show, Smith insisted that he was happy to carry on with new companions for the foreseeable future. 'I always knew that me and Karen would have slightly different journeys in the show. People say, "Are you not sad?" I am sad because I have enjoyed worked with Karen and Arthur [Darvill], they are wonderful guys. But the show is bigger than all of us actors in it,' he said. 'It's bigger than everyone in it and it will continue far longer, way after me. I am here for a very small period of time. I'm here for the future, I love working on the show. I have no plans to leave.' Smith later added that he has 'a year of Who, and then I'll take it from there' adding that he would like to, eventually, move into films. 'I am interested in films, I've always loved the idea and process of films and I am actually interested in directing.'

The Ideal Night mentioned in a previous blog has now been confirmed. It will take place at Newcastle's The Stand venue on 6 March. Johnny Vegas and creator Graham Duff will be joined by cast members Seymour Mace, Ben Crompton, yer actual Alfie Joey, Mick Miller, Jo Enright and Peter Slater for a unique evening of stand-up and celebration of the award-winning BBC sitcom. The event will see the cast discuss their personal selection of favourite clips and anecdotes from over fifty episodes. There will also be a question and answer session with the audience, as well as an interactive quiz to find out who knows most about Ideal, plus a live DVD extra session where the cast will re-dub a chosen episode live and exclusive to that evening's show. If you're a fan of the series, or just a stand-up aficionado, then this is an unmissable opportunity to get up close and personal. Further details are available at The Stand's website. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping is hoping to blag his way into the gig and gain a few interviews. As yer man Johnny Vegas notes: 'Folk say you should never meet your heroes, so why not come see me instead?'

Meanwhile another local event that yer actual Keith Telly Topping will be attending is yer actual Scunthorpe Stevie Drayton's The Record Player which will be commencing its second series of vinyl mayhem at the Tyneside Cinema from 1 March. Join broadcaster, comedian, music-aficionado and yer actual Keith Telly Topping's gaffer, Mr Drayton as The Record Player returns and we turn down the lights to give you the opportunity to enjoy classic LPs in the way that they were meant to be heard: in their entirety, on vinyl. Each night features an introduction to the LP of the night by Mr Drayton his very self, followed by a listening session and post-LP banter in the Digital Lounge. On 12 April, eight contributors choose their all time favourite 45rpm single, with two minutes to tell the audience why they love it so, then play it! Records lined-up for the latest run include Sgt Pepper's, OK Computer, The Queen Is Dead (on which Steve will be using yer actual Keith Telly Topping's own copy!) and a contextually fascinating 'New York Punk' double-bill of Horses and Marquee Moon. Bring it on. So, if you're in the vague North Tyneside area and you like the idea of sitting in a dark room with twenty or thirty other people listening to a bit of quality vinyl, get yerself along.

Now, speaking of The Record Player, the last time yer actual Keith Telly Topping saw Emmerdale's Charlie Hardwick was, as it happens, at the Ziggy Stardust Record Player night where she was having a great time dancing with her friends over in the corner of the Digial Lounge. It was quite a sight. Well, now Charlie has revealed that she would like to be a contestant on Strictly Come Dancing. The actress, who is currently on a break from her role as Val Pollard in the soap in order to star in a new play on Tyneside, said that she has always wanted to learn to dance because she used to be 'a headbanger.' From the evidence of that Record Player night, Charlie, you still are! Charlie told the Evening Chronicle: 'Would I ever do a reality show? I'm a vegetarian so I can't go in the jungle. I would do Strictly. I'd like to learn how to dance. I'm a headbanger from The Mayfair in the '70s, so it's about time I upped the ante a bit. I think I'd be out in the first week! I certainly couldn't do Twatting About on Ice but Strictly has a certain elegance.' Carlie admitted that she has been put off ever appearing on Celebrity Big Brother after watching her long-time friend Denise Welch being caught up in a row with her younger female housemates. She said: 'If it was me, it would have been the first live strangulation. So I think I'd better not [do Big Brother].'

Some proper good news now. Test Match Special will continue live broadcast of England's cricketing fortunes in all home series until 2019 at least. The BBC and the England and Wales Cricket Board have agreed a new six-year deal which will ensure ball-by-ball radio coverage of international matches. Two Ashes series and tours by India in 2014 and South Africa in 2017 will be among the highlights of live and exclusive commentary which will encompass all England's home Test, one-day and Twenty20 internationals. 'This is excellent news for all cricket-lovers,' said the ECB chief executive, David Collier. 'Test Match Special brings cricket into millions of homes in this country each summer and is widely recognised for its unique and world-class coverage of cricket.' Barbara Slater, director of BBC Sport, said: 'Test Match Special, now in its fifty fifth year, is one of the most treasured programmes on the BBC with its unique mix of expert commentary, insight, humour and entertainment. In a new digital era, the programme and its accompanying download have never been more popular with its audience.'

The sound of birdsong is enough to lift even the most miserly spirits. But not if it is the BBC period drama of the same name. The Daily Toryegraph - with typical scummish glee - reports that 'viewers' have complained about Birdsong, broadcast on BBC1 on Sunday night, because of 'the actors' poor diction and mumbled lines.'

Shocking. Presumably those whinging complainants didn't bat an eyelid at the show's steamy sex scenes.

Speaking of which, how naughty of ITV was it to show that scene from A Scandal in Belgravia at 8:40 in the evening (exactly the same time as it went out on the BBC) when Lara Pulvar was presenting a prize at the National Television Awards? 'The Daily Mail will be very pleased to hear I am wearing clothes this evening' said Lara, cheekily. On the contrary, however, love, they won't. The Daily Scum Mail would've loved it if you'd walked out on the stage stark ruddy naked. Because it would have given then an excuse to write another shitehawk scum 'exclusive' about what a bastard disgrace it all is and how somebody should ban this sick filth. And it would've given their lice scum readers an excuse to, you know, get The Horn over some perceived outrage of other. Missed opportunity there, m'dear.

The National Television Awards helped ITV to a rare midweek victory over BBC1, overnight data has revealed. Hosted by Dermot O'Dreary, the annual ceremony attracted an average of 6.18m between 7.30pm and 10pm, roughly even on last year. its peak was around 6.7m. DIY SOS: The Big Build (3.61m) and MasterChef (3.9m - its lowest audience for a single episode since the first week of the 2010 series) were most affected by the competition.

For an alternative viewpoint on the NTAs, the Daily Mash have their say!

Torchwood's Eve Myles has expressed her hope that the show will return. The actress told CultBox that the SF drama should come back in some form to give fans closure. 'As far as I know at the moment, everything's still very much on hold,' she explained. 'Nothing's going to happen in 2012, I know that much for sure. But who knows what will happen in 2013? Maybe a movie, to kinda draw a line under it.' Myles continued: 'John [Barrowman] is very much on the same page as me, in that if and when they need us, they can just pick the phone up and we will be there before they've even put the phone down, because it's something we love doing.' Myles added that she has her 'fingers crossed' that Torchwood will resume at some point. 'Every series we've changed our format [and] we've always had a gap in between,' she said. 'We've got such an outstanding loyal fan base. They deserve Torchwood to go ahead with something else to draw a line under it, for the fans to have a bit of closure.' She also suggested that any new project should film in Wales, following the predominantly US-set Torchwood: Miracle Day. 'I think it'd be nice to be back in Wales,' she said. 'That's where it was born and maybe it'd be nice to end it there.'

ITV is planning to capitalise on the popularity of The Killing and Borgen by acquiring its own Danish drama. The broadcaster's digital channel ITV3 is close to finalising a deal to pick up Those Who Kill, a crime series written by bestselling Danish author Elsebeth Egholm. Broadcast magazine says that it 'understands' ITV3 is 'lining-up' the drama for this year and will sign a contract with Trust Nordisk, Those Who Kill's distributor, in the next few weeks. It is unclear whether the broadcaster will pick up the six parter ninety-minute version of the drama or will broadcast it as twelve forty five minute episodes. Miso Film produced the drama on a budget of £9.5m and it first aired on public broadcaster TV2 last year, pulling in a record share of twelve one to fifty year-old viewers. Unlike in The Killing, where detective Sarah Lund works to solve a single crime, the police unit in Those Who Kill gets to grips with a number of cases over the course of the series. The detective team is based in Copenhagen and is headed by inspector Katrina Ries Jensen (played by Laura Bach). It would represent a rare acquisition for ITV3 and is a clear move to capitalise on the critical and ratings success BBC4 enjoyed with The Killing last year. Borgen has gone on to secure more acclaim and audiences of up to six hundred and thirty thousand this year.

Desperate fame-hungry wannabe Amy Childs's reality show has reportedly been axed by Channel Five after one series. The former Only Way Is Essex contestant fronted the alleged 'fly-on-the-wall' series It's All About Amy following her stint in the broadcaster's inaugural series of Celebrity Big Brother last year. The show's December premiere attracted a disappointing five hundred thousand viewers and ratings dipped to just three hundred thousand crushed victims of society by the end of the series, with Channel Five 'insiders' putting the slump down to 'a lack of engaging content.' And, the fact that it was shit. 'The fly-on-the-wall format didn't really work because there wasn't a lot going on,' an alleged 'source' alleged told the Mirra. 'TOWIE at least has a few different cast members, but watching Amy drive to TV studios and train her dogs was just tedious.' A Channel Five spokesperson said that the broadcaster is discussing 'other opportunities on the channel' with Childs. Why, is another matter entirely.

A Channel Four documentary about bare-knuckle fighting in the traveller community has prompted complaints about animal cruelty and child abuse. Ofcom received two hundred and eighty nine complaints about Gypsy Blood, which was broadcast last week. C4 also received a number of complaints. A spokesman for the TV watchdog said the complaints were 'being assessed.' He added that scenes which showed cock-fighting and dogs attacking deer were included to 'accurately reflect the experiences of the film-maker.' Directed by Leo Maguire, Gypsy Blood - part of the True Stories series - was seen by more than two million viewers. A Channel Four spokeswoman said: 'To accurately reflect the experiences of the film-maker who spent years documenting the culture of two gypsy families, including hunting and fighting, some scenes were included that viewers may have found difficult to watch but were justified in context. The programme was preceded by on-air warnings and appropriately scheduled.' Animal welfare charity, the RSPCA, said they would also be making an official complaint. 'The RSPCA has now begun an investigation into activities shown in the programme,' a statement said. 'We would urge anyone who shares our concern at the programme's content to also contact Channel Four and Ofcom to register their disapproval.'

A twenty four-year-old man has been jailed after falsely accusing X Factor judge Louis Walsh of sexual assault. Unemployed dance teacher Leonard Watters admitted making two false reports that Walsh had groped him in a Dublin nightclub in April 2011. At Dublin District Court, Judge Dermot Dempsey sentenced Watters, from Navan in County Meath, to six months' jail but granted him bail to appeal. Walsh had consistently denied Watters' claims against him. On 9 April last year, Watters had told a Garda officer outside the Krystle nightclub that Walsh had assaulted him in the club's toilets. Two months later he made two formal statements to police but was arrested after admitting fabricating his story when faced with CCTV footage that did not support his version of events. Watters continued to claim he had been sexually assaulted but not by Walsh. Watters' lawyer, Cahir O'Higgins, had appealed to the court not to jail his client, saying Watters' life had been 'a tragic series of disasters' and that he was now a laughing stock. 'For ever and a day, he will be known as the guy who accused Louis Walsh in the wrong,' O'Higgins said. 'He is a vulnerable, fragile human being, who behaved appallingly without giving real thought to the consequences for the injured party.' But Judge Dempsey said the public had to be protected against false allegations.

Happy Harry Redknapp told a reporter he had 'no need' to try to save thirty thousand pounds by dodging tax, a court has heard. The jury was played a taped interview between the journalist full-of-his-own-importance Rob Beasley and former Portsmouth manager Redknapp. He scoffed at the idea that he tried to save income tax by having bungs paid by Portsmouth chairman Milan Mandaric into an offshore account, jurors were told. Redknapp and Mandaric both deny charges of cheating the public revenue during their time at Portsmouth. Jurors heard the interview by then Scum of the World reporter Beasley was recorded the day before Redknapp led Tottenham into the League Cup final against Manchester United in 2009. Redknapp said: 'Do me a favour. I tried to nick thirty thousand pounds to save on income tax?' Redknapp called Mandaric as he attempted to convince the reporter 'everything I do, I do above board', jurors head. In the recording played to Southwark Crown Court, Redknapp was heard talking to Mandaric, with Beasley listening on another line. The manager is heard saying: 'I spoke to Rob Beasley earlier. You know you paid the income, you paid the tax on that money in America right? Of course you did, yeah.' Cor blimey, do what? Leave it out. Knock-it-on-the-'ead, guv'nor. Didn't you kill my bruvva? Nah, must've been me. Redknapp was heard shouting over the phone earlier at Beasley as he denied Mandaric's explanation that the deposits in his Monaco bank account were connected with dealings outside football. Redknapp said: 'You're going to write what you want to write. I know what's going to happen Rob and you're all barking up the wrong tree.' He then threatened to sue the Scum of the World if it said the tax had not been declared, jurors were told. Beasley, appearing in the witness box, said he did not tell Redknapp the conversation was recorded. The journalist, who worked as a senior sports writer at the paper between 1994 and 2009, said that he wanted to make sure 'I feel one hundred per cent accurate.' Beasley said later: 'I would be more afraid of the News of the World than the police.' The journalist told jurors he used 'flattery, friendship and a little bit of kidology' in talking to Redknapp and Mandaric before his story went to print. Beasley said he paid a source who was 'absolutely not' a member of City of London Police or HM Revenue and Customs. In one of the recorded conversations, Redknapp said 'one day Rob, I'd like to know who done it' and 'make sure I reward you, treble strong.' Southwark Crown Court previously heard Redknapp opened a Monaco bank account in the name of Rosie 47 - a combination of his pet dog's name and the year of his birth - which he allegedly kept secret from his accountant for four-and-a-half years. The third day of the hearing began with the prosecution claiming that statements given by Harry Redknapp and Milan Mandaric, about the account were 'contradictory' and 'inconsistent'. It is alleged that Redknapp, who lives in Poole, Dorset, received around one hundred and eighty thousand smackers which he had 'no intention' of declaring for tax purposes. Redknapp and Mandaric each deny two charges of cheating the public revenue.

The Scottish actor Nicol Williamson, best known for his role as the wizard Merlin in the 1981 film Excalibur, has died aged seventy five, his family has announced. The actor died of oesophageal cancer shortly before Christmas in Amsterdam, where he lived. A much respected stage actor, he was nominated for his first TONY Award in 1966 for Inadmissible Evidence. Playwright John Osborne once called him 'the greatest actor since Marlon Brando.' Williamson was nominated for his second TONY Award in 1974, for his role in Anton Chekhov's Uncle Vanya. He won a Drama Desk award the same year for the role. Born in Hamilton, South Lanarkshire, he attended the Birmingham School of Speech and Drama. He made his professional stage debut at the Dundee Repertory Theatre in 1960, before appearing in Tony Richardson's production of A Midsummer Night's Dream at the Royal Court Theatre. He later teamed up with Richardson again, to star his Hamlet production at the Roundhouse. It was so successful it later transferred to Broadway and was adapted into a film, which co-starred Anthony Hopkins and Marianne Faithfull in 1969. Nicol went on to star in numerous other stage productions. Some of his other notable film performances are as an alcoholic attorney in I'm Dancing as Fast as I Can, a Colonel in the Cincinnati Gestapo in Neil Simon's The Cheap Detective, a suicidal Irish soldier in the 1968 film The Bofors Gun, a very good Sherlock Holmes in the 1976 Herbert Ross film The Seven-Per-Cent Solution and Little John in the 1976 Richard Lester film Robin and Marian. More recently he appeared as Lord Louis Mountbatten in Lord Mountbatten - The Last Viceroy (1985), the dual roles of Dr Worley and The Nome King in Return To Oz (1985) and Badger in the 1996 movie adaptation of The Wind in the Willows. His best known film roles included Merlin in John Boorman's Excalibur and Father Morning in The Exorcist III.' His final screen appearance was in 1997 picture Spawn. His TV work included early appearances in Z Cars, Six, Horror of Darkness and Thirty Minute Theatre and a memorable eye-rolling turn in an episode of Columbo. Williamson was reportedly working on a new CD of music before his death, and his son told the Daily Torygraph he was as yet undecided over whether to post it on the actor's website. In a statement on the website, his son Luke Williamson said: 'It's with great sadness, and yet with a heart full of pride and love for a man who was a tremendous father, friend, actor, poet, writer and singer, that I must bring news of Nicol's passing.' He went on to say his father passed 'peacefully' ending his two year struggle with cancer. 'He gave it all he had: never gave up, never complained, maintained his wicked sense of humour to the end. His last words were "I love you." I was with him, he was not alone, he was not in pain.' Luke said his father was also survived by his wife, Jill Townsend.

Blimey, the government's latest anti-drugs campaign is a bit scatological.

For today's Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, lordy mama, it's Little Richard.

MasterChef: He Found God, In A Wiltshire Field, And You Did Not

2012-01-25T23:45:00.003Z

It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. is it not, dear blog reader? That's what this blogger has read, anyway. I think it was in the last issue of Top Gear magazine. Either that, or, you know, Spank Monthly. 'All set for the drama?' asked the lady BBC continuity announcer as the latest episode of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved MasterChef began. Well, if truth be told, no actually as this blogger had half-an-eye on the National Television Awards over on ITV at the same time to be honest. (Well done Matt, well done Karen! And, what, exactly, is Gary Barlow's 'Outstanding Contribution' to television for which he won an 'Outstanding Contribution to television' award?) Anyway, back to MasterChef. The, always tricky, mass-catering challenge this year took place in the lovely city of Bath at the climax of the eight-day-long Jane Austen lookalike competition, or whatever it's called. Be still my throbbing ribs, you're in danger of bursting.

At this event, lots of let's not beat about the bush here, people, weirdos (a significant proportion of whom appear to be American, just in case you were wondering) dress up like extras from some half-forgotten BBC Regency costume drama of the 1970s and swan around Bath whilst being sniggered at by Goths and Skins and Rastas. Probably. Whatever. Good on them, you know. Everybody needs a hobby. I can't tell you about mine. Official Secrets Act, and all that.

So, this meant sticking our ten MasterChef finalists in a tent in the middle of a field just off the Royal Crescent to do their cooking. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping has stayed down there on several occasions (in a hotel on the Royal Crescent, not a tent) when attending his own decidedly odd events in Bath (Doctor Who conventions, normally). And, at least the Austen people could content themselves in the knowledge that, if all else failed, there's a couple of really nice curry houses just down the road. Some good pubs, too. Nice city, Bath. 'These guys wanted literary drama, not real drama,' said Gregg Wallace in an opening montage which, as with poor wretched Matthew's trials and tribulations the night before, effectively spoiled any potential drama in knowing who won and who lost the episode's competition by including a shot of Eamonn walking away from camera, clearly Goddamn pissed-off and throwing something on the ground. Hard. If that didn't tell you which team had lost before the event even started then nothing would. Still, let's go through the motions, eh?

The ten finalists were to be divided into two teams of five - each would have to provided four dishes for the hundreds of The Yesterday People there assembled, one of which needed to be a vegetarian option (and, hopefully, unlike drama queen Jacqui last year, a vegetarian option which people actually wanted to eat) and one of which had to be a dessert. Ashvy, Big Scouse Jay, Andrew, Afsaneh and Big Eamonn were in one team. They were the losers, remember, because whichever team had Big Eamonn in was going to lose from that shot of him looking Goddamn pissed-off and throwing something on the ground. Hard. Come on, keep up! The other lot were, obviously, Tom, Shelina, Aki, Emma and Jonathan. 'They're going to have to use some sense. And sensibility,' said Gregg with almost no comic timing whatsoever. Nice try, mate. No cigar. Don't give up the day job. As in previous years, John Tordoe spent the next two hours prowling around the gaff like a caged tiger occasionally bellowing some totally unhelpful advice at anyone who had the misfortune to be in his general vicinity. Like, you know, 'go quicker,' and 'hurry up!' That sort of thing.

The episode, of course, was being filmed in Bath, rather than Port Merion which was a shame because the jacket yer man Tordoe was wearing made him look like a dead-ringer for Number Six. Andrew's team's dishes were stuffed chicken fillets with pumpkin purée (Big Jay's work mainly), mackerel with delicate pastry heads and tails (a little piece of conceptual near-genius from Eamonn), a - very unsuccessful - veggie option of cheese stuffed savoy cabbage and mushroom stuffed tomatoes with a sort of beetroot ... mush on the side (err, no thanks guys. Have you got anything without everything I hate in the whole world in it?) Their dessert was supposed to be a baked apple with quince sponge and custard but Afsaneh curdled the custard so they served it with a dollop of cream instead. The other lot, lead by a rather flappy Shelina, were prepping Salmon en croute with spinach, roast duck with ragù (Jonathan was mainly responsible for this, described by John as 'the best dish of the day'), a veggie option of ravioli with pumpkin and tomato sauce and a pud of pana cotta and figs. At least, that was the general idea, but the pana cotta didn't set (not helped by somebody knocking a jug of it over when they were trying to cool it down). In the end, they presented it as a sort of very runny custard and figs with a blackberry or two thrown on top almost as an after thought. There were several dramas almost worthy of yer actual Ms Austen herself along the way. 'I think the way it's going we'll be lucky to get a corn beef salad,' Gregg noted at one point. It was difficult to work out to which team he was referring. 'I can smell burning,' he said a bit later. That was the Salmon en croute. As it was served Gregg added: 'Some of the salmon's got burned bits on it.' 'Yeah, that's cos they burned it,' John replied, like Eric Morecambe delivering a punchline. The Special People swanned around like peacocks, said how, like 'rilly great' everything was (except for the stuffed cabbage and beetroot which was horrible and nobody liked) and, generally, gave the impression of being terribly nice ladies and chaps but maybe not the sort of people you'd want to have a pint with down the Boater and discuss who's going to win the Premiership this year.

Both teams, in the end, produced three good dishes and one proper twenty four carat horrorshow, although one of the proper twenty four horrorshows was, clearly, a bit worse than the other one. Gregg came up with the episode's required bit of innuendo: 'John, which team is capable of pulling it off?' In a sense, they were all winners - although, in a much more literal sense only five of them were as Andrew's team were told that they'd, in fact, lost. Which seemed to be a surprise to them, but not the audience who'd earlier seen Big Eamonn looking Goddamn pissed-off and throwing something at the ground previously. Hard. You felt for Jay, in particular, who had worked like a Trojan all afternoon, as John was at pains to note.

And for Eamonn too, who was, visibly, Goddamn pissed-off. Ooo, proper vexed, so he was. He walked away from camera throwing something on the ground. Hard. Which would have worked far better as a dramatic moment if the viewers hadn't already been spoiled that it was coming up by its usage at the end of the previous episode and the start of this one. Ashvy just burst into tears. When they found out that the prize for winning would have been to work with Jason Atherton, Eamonn was even more cross, Atherton being one of his heroes. Andrew lay on the ground with his head in his hands looking almost as forlorn as Matthew did the night before. Jay, stoic as you'd expect a big tough Scouse security man, just stood there and said nothing. Meanwhile, Shelina's team were all celebrating like they'd just scored the winning goal in the cup final. Then they found out that they were to prepare a five course dinner under Jason Atherton's direction at the Royal Crescent hotel. Top gig. Their punters were to be a 'group of guests each with a connection to Jane Austen.' That, in fact, turned out to be some (very) distant descendants, some actors who'd appeared in Austen adaptations and some other people who appeared to have no obvious connection to Austen but who weren't about to turn down a freebie on licence fee payers money. Most of them were dressed ridiculously (particular the town sheriff who turned up like he'd wandered off the set of Rob Roy) and, whilst I'm sure they're all very nice people and all that, they came over as thoroughly obnoxious and unlikable as yer average bunch of rich people assembled at a five star hotel to get a free meal on the BBC.

The courses went as follows: Aki cooked the starter of Cornish crab salad with nashi pear and cauliflower purée. She flapped; she ran around like headless chicken with her arse on fire; she was late; she needed help from Jason. And then, somehow, the dish got served (after the guest had spent the previous ten minutes whinging about how pure-dead 'starving' they all were). And, it was a huge hit. The guests, who'd been on the verge of mutinous a moment earlier, were all suddenly 'oh, isn't it amaaaaayzing?' I hate rich people, dear blog reader. Particularly hypocritical rich people on a freebie. They bring out the very worst of this blogger's prejudice. And, indeed, his pride. Sorry, I'm channelling Gregg Wallace here. Listen, it's my problem, I can deal with it, okay. And, I will, come the revolution. Next up was Jonathan's fish course. Jonathan had never cooked a fish dish before and he was, he confessed, 'terrified.' So much so that he needed some persuasion from Jason. Heh. Persuasion, do you see? It's a ... oh, never mind. Nevertheless, Jonathan managed to knock up, with Jason's help, a very nice looking pan-fried cod with pearl barley and squid. Which was nice. And a sort of green frothy gloop over the top. Which looked like something from The Kraken Wakes. If this had been a John Wyndham festival rather than a Jane Austen one he'd've been fine. A couple of the guests expressed their dissatisfaction at how 'wet' it was. But, of course, as soon as Jonathan walked in the joint they were all 'ooo, fekkin amaaaaayzing, ooo, fekkin fan-tastic!' Gertcha. Mutter, mutter, come the glorious day, comrades. Next was Emma. The delightful Scottish MasterChef contestant, that is, not the classic 1816 Jane Austen novel. I digress. Emma's meat course was Irish ox tongue braised in stout (begorrah bejesus, where's me shillelagh? Yeah, that's more James Joyce than Jane Austen, isn't it?) with a horseradish purée. Then it was Shelina who had all sorts of issues with her apple cider truffle and doughnuts (great concept for a pudding, mind!) She whinged whilst making it, whinged as she plated it up and whinged as she waited to get ushered in to meet the great and the good. She might have been whinging even more if she'd heard some of the disgraceful slavver that was coming from the mouths of some of those in the room. The woman who moaned orgasmically 'mmm-mm-mmmmm!' just needed to be hit, really hard, in the mush with a wet haddock, frankly. And as for that individual who started talking about the trifle as being 'close to a religious experience...' Just give me a rock hard baguette, I know just what to do with it. Finally, we had Tom whose dish of bitter chocolate parve sponge with mango sorbet and chocolate tweels saw him falling back on his plastering day job experience when making the tweels, shagging up his sponge ('the one thing I didn't want to have to do again') but, in fact, coming out with flying colours. So, to a greater or lesser degree, they all did very well. Then, just as the episode was about to end, India Fisher delivered a little sting in the tail.

For 'personal reasons' Jonathan, who'd looked like one of three or four potential winners of the whole competition up till that point, had decided to withdraw. A pity, although it is, of course, to be hoped that whatever the personal reasons were which caused his withdrawal, they weren't anything too serious. Next episode is on Wednesday of next week when Jay, Eamonn, Andrew, Afsaneh and Ashvy have the chance to redeem themselves. Cooking doesn't get any tougher than this.

Wasn't dear Una Stubbs delightful on The ONE Show on Wednesday night? This after Jenny Agutter was on the night before - it's obviously cosy, warm, big sister nostalgia figures for fortysomethings week on The ONE Show. Ah, but Una - from acting with Cliff in Summer Holiday, to Till Death, Worzel Gummidge all the way up to Sherlock in one ten minute interview. Lovely.

Doctor Who and Coronation Street were among the winners at Wednesday's National Television Awards. The ceremony, which was held in London's O2 Arena, saw Doctor Who stars Matt Smith and Karen Gillan both taking home the 'Drama Performance' awards. However, the show lost out to Downton Abbey for the prize of Best Drama. So, will this see an end to those allegations, from glakes, that 'Doctor Who under Steven Moffat is no longer popular with normal people' type comments? Not, of course, that those who vote in the NTAs are even remotely 'normal' per se. Not even close, really. I mean, take yer actual Keith Telly Topping. For one. The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat himself was organising a 'virtual' Mexican Wave on Twitter in celebration at Smudger and Kazza's victories. Elsewhere, Coronation Street won the Serial Drama award, while Katherine Kelly - who left the soap this week - took home the Serial Drama Performance prize. EastEnders won the prize for Best Newcomer, which was taken by Jacqueline Jossa. Host Dermot O'Dreary lost out to Ant and Dec, who won the Best Entertainment Presenter award for the eleventh successive time. Let's face it, they're just going to rename that the Ant & Dec Award For best Ant & Dec of the Year in future. Other winners ranged from the thoroughly deserved - Alan Carr for best chat show and Outnumbered, which beat Miranda and Benidorm to win best sitcom - to the less obvious: Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow won best entertainment programme, beating Harry Hill's TV Burp, odious oafish dating show Take Me Out and Dynamo: Magician Impossible. Comedian Leigh Francis' alter-ego Keith Lemon won best comedy panel show for his quiz Celebrity Juice, triumphing over Have I Got News For You, Mock The Week and Qi. And, if anybody can explain to yer actual Keith Telly Topping exactly what 'outstanding contribution' to television Gary Barlow has made which justifies his outstanding contribution to television award, I'd be very grateful. One series as a judge of The X Factor - when it regularly got walloped in the overnight ratings by Strictly - does not, to me, seem overly 'stand up and give me an award' ish. I'm not knocking the chap's contribution to music, that's fine, but telly? Maybe I'm just rather old fashioned.

You Will Always Find Him In The Kitchen At Parties

2012-01-25T15:26:00.005Z

So 4.77 million punters were watching poor old Matthew on the verge of bursting into tears as his black forest gateaux went horribly wrong on Tuesday night's MasterChef, dear blog reader. Matthew told his local paper, the Norfolk Eastern Daily Press: 'It was hard to watch because I knew I was going out. It was a bit embarrassing watching myself virtually have a nervous breakdown on national television and I thought I was going to get a bit of stick but my friends and family have been very supportive and proud of me for getting so far. I messed up and didn't think I would be able to get the gateau out. It was the first time in my life that I've felt like I just did not know what to do. I got something out with a bit of help from John, but I made too many mistakes. I don't think I could have won it because all of the contestants on the show are extremely strong but I could have gone further and it is a shame that I didn't get to show what I'm capable of. But I have absolutely no regrets about going on the show. I met some fantastic people on there and the experience has improved my cooking.' I must say that yer actual Keith Telly Topping does love the fact that MasterChef got over twice as many overnight viewers as ITV's veritable watchword for crass, banal, hideous, wretched, mean-spirited, wicked lowest-common-denominator nonsense, The Biggest Loser. That, to yer actual Keith Telly Topping, suggests that the viewing public are nowhere near as dumb - or as cynical - as some TV schedulers seem to think they are. Although the fact that just over two million people (2.14m to be exact) are still watching The Biggest Loser at all is, surely, the best argument for some form of eugenics this blogger has heard in a long time? I'll leave it up to you lot to decide on that one. Elsewhere BBC1 was the highest rating channel between 19.30 and 22.00. EastEnders had a slightly below par audience of 8.13m from 19:30 and Holby City 5.23m from 8pm. It was also a good night for BBC2 with the League Cup semi-final between Cardiff City and Crystal Palace peaking at 5.3m (average of 3.94m across the entire programme, including BBC HD viewers). Even funnier than the risible audience for The Biggest Loser, ITV's other hideous game show flop, The Exit List hit a series low with just 1.99m viewers. Never have two TV series been more aptly named. Overall the BBC won primetime with an overnight audience share 21.5 per cent. Something that seldom happens is BBC2 beating ITV into second place with 13.2 per cent against ITV's 12.3 per cent.

As noted in a previous blog, the BBC Trust chairman Lord Patten has ordered the corporation to 're-examine' its plans to make significant cuts to local radio. The BBC Trust confirmed on Wednesday that it has asked management to 'row back' just over half of the eighteen million smackers a year of proposed savings affecting English local radio, regional current affairs such as BBC1's Inside Out, and current affairs on Radio 5Live. Forty English radio stations were facing cuts of fifteen million quid and two hundred and eighty jobs as part of plans to slash twenty per cent from the BBC's budget over five years. But Lord Patten said that the cuts would have a 'disproportionate impact' on the BBC's output and reputation. Thousands of listeners, MPs and local authorities - not to mention, ahem, this blogger! - complained about the plans, saying that the stations had a vital role to play in in local communities and provide something which no other service (BBC or otherwise) fills. The BBC Trust - the corporation's governing body - made its decision after hearing 'real concerns' during the public consultation exercise which ran from October to December. Speaking to the Oxford Media Convention, Patten said: 'Our consultation and our research have raised real concerns that some aspects of the plans as they stand would have a disproportion impact on its local and regional output and the contribution such output makes to the most important priority for the BBC – its journalism.' He added: 'Local and regional services in England provide something unique for audiences that can otherwise be neglected by the mainstream media. The BBC cannot afford to get these changes wrong.' The Trust found that particularly in areas outside the South East of England, BBC local services are 'seen to provide balance against perceptions of a metropolitan and centrist BBC, and above all, listeners value most the localness of their particular station.' The Trust said that there was a 'sound logic' behind the BBC's DQF proposals. 'Content sharing already exists in some areas at some times without much of an apparent effect on the quality of output, and it is clear that listeners are generally less concerned about the need for a local service to remain local in off peak-times such as overnight,' said the Trust. 'The emerging findings from our audience research, and that conducted by the executive following sharing trials last year, suggest that it is possible that some sharing of content, in some areas and at some points of the day, may be an effective way to increase the quality of output. However, the findings from our consultation, audience research and other analysis have shown us that local speech radio is an area of almost total market failure; that it brings something unique and intimate to its audience, many of whom tend not to use many other BBC services beyond mainstream TV. To some, particularly away from the South East, local radio is seen to provide balance against perceptions of a metropolitan and centrist BBC, and above all, listeners value most the localness of their particular station.' The Trust said that it will now work with Mark Thompson to 'consider the shape' of the local radio proposals against an 'overall strategy' for the sector. This will include proposals to ensure stations 'stay local for most of the time to continue to have an impact and to stay distinctive.' It added: 'Local radio is not the same everywhere. It means different things to different communities in terms of news, sport, culture, identity and music. The changes should reflect this, and look to give station managers some discretion to be flexible and run stations with regard to the particular needs of their audiences.' Yer actual Keith Telly Topping seldom gets too carried away by the ideal of white knights arriving on shining steeds at the last moment to, apparently, save the day (particularly when they're former Tory party chairmen like his very Chris-ship) but, this is, nevertheless, very welcome news. The proposals were announced last October by director general Mark Thompson, following a lower-than-expected license fee settlement was imposed on the BBC by the government. Several stations faced losing between a quarter and a third of their staff, with neighbouring stations expected to share programming in the afternoon. Staff warned Thompson at the Radio Festival in Salford last November that cuts would damage programme quality, something which staff should not have needed to tell him as anyone with half-a-frigging brain should've been able to work that out for themselves. If you pay peanuts, you'll get monkeys, it's a universal truism. Radio Merseyside presenter Roger Phillips said the station would lose fifteen of its forty six staff, meaning 'we can't provide quality at all.' A group of writers and cultural figures from Liverpool - including Willy Russell, Alan Bleasdale and Roger McGough - wrote an open letter to The Times complaining about the proposals, saying the station gave 'voice to the beating heart' of the community. Similar - perhaps less high-profile - campaigns have been run by listeners at local stations up and down the land, including yer actual Keith Telly Topping's own, beloved, BBC Newcastle, the 2011 winners of the Gilliard Award for the best BBC local station of the year. Lord Patten said that the Trust had asked the BBC to review three key areas of the proposals: To scale back plans for local radio to share programmes in the afternoon, 'although we accept that in some cases that might still be the best option'; To ensure that local stations have 'an adequately staffed newsroom'; To protect specialist content outside peak times - for example local sports (shows which often give local stations their highest audience figures) or specialist music shows - something which the DQF consultation process made clear hadn't even been considered within the proposals. Many stations - yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved, award-winning BBC Newcastle, for one - have a dedicated evening music show which is non-playlist and, at least in theory, exists in part to help promote local bands. And that, of course, was the very slot that the DQF proposals suggested should be done away with completely and replaced by a single generic national show. The Trust also asked the BBC to re-consider plans to merge regional current affairs programming - specifically Inside Out - meaning fewer shows covering larger geographical areas. And, it suggested that the weekly current affairs show on BBC 5Live should also be saved from cancellation. However - and it's a big however - with the BBC committed to making the cuts it announced in October, any money re-routed to local radio would need to be saved from elsewhere in the organisation. Lord Patten said he hoped the changes would cost the BBC 'no more than ten million pounds', which should come from 'non-content budgets.' Either that or, you know, just get Worldwide sell a few more Top Gear and Doctor Who DVDs, that's where the majority of the BBC's non-licence fee income seems to come from. Mark Thompson said the process 'will be challenging' but that he was glad that the Trust had 'endorsed the great majority of our proposals' to save money. Indeed, there's a very interesting conspiracy theory doing the rounds that Thompson chose specifically to make the threatened cuts to local radio knowing full well that they would be the subject of vocal (and, it seems, intelligent) criticism to provide a focus for dissent whereas the proposed cuts to other services (often very significant ones like daytime BBC2) would rather get ignored. It seems that, in climbing down over local radio at the cost of ten million quid, proposals such as BBC2 daytime becoming a repeats channel, the cut in live performances on Radio 3 and the changes to the budgets of BBC3 and BBC4 have been rubber-stamped by the Trust (and, effectively, by the public) without much comment. If there's any truth in this then Thompson's gamble appears to have paid off. So ... don't hang out the 'victory' flags just yet (and, the victory in this case if indeed, that's what it is, will come at the expense of something else within the Beeb so it's going to be a hollow victory for some). But, this blogger, who has campaigned vocally for a BBC change of heart over this issue from day one is glad that it at least appears the Trust have listened to the voices of licence fee payers and discovered that whilst common sense seems to be in somewhat short supply everywhere these days, it's not completely missing in action. You can read the BBC Trust's 'Interim Findings' on the DQF exercise here. And very fascinating reading they make. For instance, the Trust says: 'Our analysis of the proposals has convinced us... that some of the proposed changes - to local radio and some current affairs output - are likely to have too much of a detrimental impact on the BBC's journalistic aspirations and reputation.' Talking about local radio, it added: 'We think the scale and impact of the cuts, although lower in financial terms than for many other parts of the BBC, is disproportionate to the value of these services to their audience and have asked the [BBC] executive to consider again the shape of their proposals, set against a clearer overall strategy for local radio as a whole.'

Keeley Hawes says that she has never watched a full episode of Downton Abbey. And, in reporting this, the Digital Spy website seems to be suggesting that she's lying since they note that she 'claims' this. Sounds perfectly reasonable to this blooger - I don't think I've seen an episode of Downton all the way through in one go and watching TV is my job! The former [spooks] actress, of course, stars as Lady Agnes Holland in the BBC1 reworking of Upstairs, Downstairs - below you can see a rather tasty publicity shot for the forthcoming second series featuring the divine Alex Kingston. Asked if comparisons between the two costume dramas work against her show, Hawes told Stylist: 'I've never seen an episode of it which I think is a very good thing, because whatever I say is going to be taken and twisted.' Yeah, I think you'll find that's already happen, Keeley. 'But I understand it's very good. I think because we each had two grande dames of British acting - we had Eileen [Atkins] and they have Maggie [Smith], it didn't help with how much we were compared.' Asked why the British public seem to have fallen back in love with this particular type of costume dramas, she said: 'I don't know. They've always been in my life. And obviously I'm married to Matthew [Macfadyen]. One or the other of us is always doing something in a bonnet. Well, not Matthew! That's behind closed doors.' Oh, too much info, love!

Prior to the first series of Upstairs Downstairs, Hawes said that she was 'thrilled' quality drama like Downton Abbey existed. 'If there's room for thirty reality shows, surely there's room for two amazing costume dramas,' she added. 'From the tiny amount of Downton I saw it was gorgeous, but as far as I can make out it has a very different feeling to Upstairs.' No so as you'd notice, actually.

A senior Sun editorial executive has grovellingly - and belatedly - apologised at the Leveson inquiry for the paper's sickening libellous coverage of Bristol landlord Christopher Jefferies. Stephen Waring, the Sun's publishing director, also said at the inquiry on Tuesday that the News International tabloid has 'changed its attitude' to court reporting, after also being massively fined for contempt of court for its reporting in December 2010 and January 2011 of Jefferies' arrest as a suspect in the Joanna Yeates murder investigation. Mr Jefferies was later released without charge. Because he hadn't done anything, basically. Waring said the coverage in the Sun and other newspapers partly reflected the 'more liberal interpretation' of laws governing crime reporting at the time. In other words, newspapers felt they had the right to decide who was guilty or innocent purely on aesthetic things like how they looked rather than bother going to the time and expense of waiting for a person to be actually charge, tried and convicted. Why bother with all them when you can use a front page to besmirch a man's reputation and then let a poll on Twitter or Sky News decide innocence or guilt? The odious Waring added that the attorney general, Dominic Grieve, had forced the Sun to change its attitude towards reporting crime suspects. And no before effing time, frankly. Grieve launched a contempt action which resulted in the Daily Mirra being fined fifty grand and the Sun eighteen thousand smackers for their coverage of Jefferies. The Sun and the Mirra were also among eight newspapers that apologised and paid swingeingly substantial libel damages to Jefferies last year for libellous allegations made against him. 'Since the new attorney general took his post, he's made it clear he wants a strict application of contempt. He's brought more contempt of court cases than were brought in the previous ten years,' Waring told the inquiry, adding: 'He has certainly changed our attitude as to how we report arrests and we have changed the culture of the paper on the back of the Jefferies case.' Waring was duty editor in early January 2011 when the Sun published articles that were later found to be 'seriously defamatory' of Jefferies. Waring told Leveson that three factors had led to the Sun writing its defamatory articles, which the inquiry was told included claimed that Jefferies was an 'unmarried oddball' and 'obsessed with death.' One factor, Waring said, was critical comment from former pupils and teachers 'that set a particular tone that coloured my judgment, wrongly.' So, in other words, they listened to ill-informed gossip and then just printed it. Because they could. Another key aspect, according to Waring, was 'the general context' in which the stories were cleared for publication by the paper's lawyers. 'I can't speak for the lawyer's own mind, but we are talking about an era where there was a far more liberal interpretation about what we could get away with in print,' said Waring. The contempt laws are designed to ensure reporting from the moment an arrest is made will not prejudice a person's chances of a fair trial. Waring said that since the Jefferies case, the newspaper had changed some of its policies. He told the inquiry the Sun did not publish 'interesting background' material about a murder in the autumn or details of a second arrest at Stepping Hill Hospital. 'It's something which has affected us and changed our attitude,' he said. 'That change of attitude would have come in if there had been no Leveson inquiry, no Bribery Act, no investigation into media standards. It came about because the attorney general decided he was going to change the way he interpreted contempt.' The Leveson inquiry also heard from two reporters who had been sent to Bristol to cover the story for the Sun and the Daily Mirra, both of whom also apologised for the distress they had caused Jefferies. Although quite how either felt able to show their faces in public is another question for another day. Jefferies - prejudicially - was described by the Daily Mirra as 'a peeping tom', 'nutty' and was said by the paper to have 'a bizarre past', the inquiry was told. Ryan Parry, a Daily Mirra reporter who worked on the Yeates murder story, said the paper was 'very regretful of the coverage' and wanted to apologise for 'vilifying him in such a way.' The Sun's reporter Gary O'Shea said he now knows the paper should have been 'more neutral and dispassionate' and also apologised to Jefferies.

There was an unfortunate cock-up at the Radio Times, which unintentionally published a photo of a Royal Marine with his, ahem, 'weapon' on display. The apparently innocuous photo of the Royal Marines' 42 Commando Unit turned out, on closer inspection, to be rather less innocent than it at first seemed. The good news for the listings magazine – though possibly less so for the squaddie involved – is that you need a big magnifying glass to see these particular, if you will, privates on parade. (It's on page sixty seven in the 28 January to 3 February issue, if you absolutely must see the offending pistol for yourself.)

'We apologise for any upset caused to readers by the rogue member of 42 Commando,' said Radio Times editor Ben Preston in an apology published on the magazine's website. The picture accompanied a preview of Channel Five fly-on-the-wall documentary Royal Marines: Afghanistan Mission. Channel Five owner the soft-core pornographer Richard Desmond is, it hardly needs saying, no stranger to X-rated content. And that's just the editorials in the Daily Scum Express.

Kiefer Sutherland has revealed that he is keen to appear opposite his father Donald in new FOX drama Touch. The series - from Heroes creator Tim Kring - stars the younger Sutherland as Martin Bohm, a father who discovers that his mute son Jake (David Mazouz) can predict future events. 'We're working on episodes five and six right now, but I certainly have conveyed to Tim Kring that my father is someone who I would very, very much like to work with,' Kiefer told reporters in a recent conference call.

The Dowager Countess would not be amused. It seems that PBS, the network which broadcasts Downton Abbey in the US, has been taking some right and proper liberties by cashing in on the hit series. The Daily Scum Mail sniffily reports that those dastardly American types have launched a range of jewellery – described as 'a must-have for all ladies of quality' – based on the characters Lady Mary Crawley and her sister, Lady Sybil. With products ranging from a 'Lady Mary knotted pearl necklace and earring set', at one hundred and two smackers, and a tea-set 'elegant enough for any countess or lady', PBS is looking to milk the US love affair with all things British and early Twentieth Century. However, PBS's plan has not gone down well with the show's makers, Carnival Films, who, seemingly, have not authorised the use of the characters' names and have told PBS to remove them.

CSI star Marg Helgenberger has revealed that William Petersen almost returned to the show. The actress told TV Guide that Peterson intended to reprise his role as Gil Grissom as part of a storyline which saw her character Catherine Willows exit the series. 'Initially, Billy wanted to come back for a couple of episodes,' she confirmed. 'Carol [Mendelsohn] and Don McGill and I had lunch with him to hash it out. But he and his wife had twins who were born prematurely, and that was way too overwhelming for him to deal with.' Helgenberger added that Mendelsohn eventually described Petersen's absence as 'a blessing. She didn't want [my final] episodes to be more about Grissom's return, which it would have been,' she said. 'Now it's really just about Catherine.' George Eads, who plays Nick Stokes, first hinted that Petersen could reappear on the CBS drama in August. Showrunner Mendelsohn has also admitted that she is frequently in talks with Petersen regarding a possible return. 'Every year we go to Billy,' she said. 'I mean, [Gil and Sara] are married, and we'd like the audience to be able to see [them together] sometime.'

Britons are less honest than they were a decade ago, research by academics at the University of Essex suggests. The survey of more than two thousand adults found that people were apparently more tolerant of lying and extramarital affairs than they were in 2000. But it also found less tolerance of those that commit benefit fraud. The online 'integrity' study, which repeated questions asked in 2000, suggests young people are more likely to be dishonest than older people. In 2011, those under the age of twenty five scored an average of forty seven points on an 'integrity scale' while those over sixty five scored an average of fifty four points. The average score for all age groups was fifty. The survey also suggests women have slightly more integrity than men, but social class and occupation does not have a significant effect on levels of honesty. Those who took part in the survey were asked to what extent a series of ten activities were justified. These included avoiding paying for public transport, keeping money found in the street, throwing litter away and lying. Their answers were then converted into an 'integrity score' and compared to answers given by people who took the same test in 2000. A decade ago, seventy per cent of people said having an affair was never justified but this dropped to just fifty per cent in 2011. The proportion who said picking up money found in the street was never justified dropped from almost forty per cent a decade ago to less than twenty per cent - while just one in three were prepared to condemn lying in their own interests. The survey found that while seventy eight per cent of people condemned benefit fraud in 2000, this had risen to eighty five per cent in 2011. Professor Paul Whiteley, the study's author and director of the Essex Centre for the Study of Integrity, said levels of integrity were important because they were linked to a person's sense of civic duty. 'If social capital is low and people are suspicious and don't work together, those communities have worse health, worse educational performance, they are less happy and they are less economically developed and entrepreneurial. It really does have a profound effect,' he said. 'If integrity continues to decline in the future, then it will be very difficult to mobilise volunteers to support the Big Society initiative,' he added. Professor Whiteley also said he thought part of the reason young people were found to be more likely to be dishonest than older people was because 'the role models are not very good. If you think about it, you know, footballers that cheat on their wives; some journalists that hack into phones; behaviour in the City, where people are selling financial instruments they think are no good but do not say so. These kind of things,' he said. To sum up, then, we're a nation of hypocrites and the young'uns are all bad'uns? Sounds about right.

The advertising watchdog has banned posters for a Spinal Tap-style band after complaints that the adverts were demeaning to women. Described by record label Universal Island as 'a pastiche of an 1980s heavy metal band' taking inspiration from the likes of Whitesnake and Bon Jovi, The Steel Panthers were shown on the poster with big hair reminiscent of director Rob Reiner's band from 1980s, if you will, rockumentary This Is Spinal Tap. The posters promoted the band's new album, titled Balls Out. Above the rockers, the adverts showed a scantily-clad woman holding a string with two silver balls near her crotch. The Advertising Standards Authority received four complaints about the campaign. Yes, that's four. Not four hundred, but four. Universal Island said that the adverts were meant to 'poke fun at the ridiculousness of the attitude to women, outfits and music in that [1980s] era.' The record label added that the posters were meant to be 'ludicrously over the top and not meant to undermine women.' It added that it believed the poster was suitable for running on billboards and poster sites. However, the ASA said that the campaign was 'overtly sexual when taken as a whole. Given its placement in a range of public locations, we concluded that it was likely to cause serious and widespread offence, was unsuitable to be seen by children and therefore was not appropriate for outdoor advertising,' said the ASA. Ridiculous. Albeit, one imagines that the publicity generated by the banning with have given the band more publicity than they'd have likely got from the poster itself anyway. So, if me and three of my mates complain to the po-faced knobs at the ASA that the Go Compare bloke is really bastard well annoying and we want him off our TV screens what do we reckon is the likelihood of that occurring?

Inevitably, perhaps, today's Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day has a kitchen feel. Tell 'em how y'feel, Jona.

Still prefer the original.

They're Saying Things I Can Hardly Believe, They Really Think We've Gotten Out Of Control!

2012-01-25T11:11:00.001Z

Lord Patten is poised to announce a financial reprieve for the BBC's forty English local radio stations, which are facing fifteen million quids worth of cuts which would have prompted changes including the merger of neighbouring stations' off-peak programmes. The chairman of the BBC Trust will address the Oxford Media Convention on Wednesday afternoon, and he is expected to ask Mark Thompson, the director general, to find money to mitigate cuts that would have led to the loss of two hundred and eighty jobs. The BBC Trust is also preparing to publish the results of its public consultation into Thompson's Delivering Quality First cuts plan, with the local radio proposals by the far the most controversial aspect of the seven hundred million quid savings package. Patten will also ask Thompson to 'look again' at other proposed cuts to regional TV programmes. BBC1's regional current affairs programme, Inside Out, was facing the loss of forty per cent of its five million quid annual budget, or forty of its one hundred-strong staff. MPs and senior church leaders joined the public - and, ahem, this blog! - in making loud and vocal (and, hopefully, sensible) complaints about the mooted cuts which would have slashed the budgets of stations such as BBC Radio Derby, Radio Merseyside, Radio Tees and, of course, yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved BBC Newcastle, winner of the 2011 Gilliard Award for the local station of the year, by up to twenty per cent. To make the savings – affecting just BBC local radio in England – stations would have to merge afternoon programmes, with, for example, Radio Herefordshire sharing the same output as Radio Stoke one hundred miles to the north between 1pm and 4pm. Previously separate home and away football commentaries would have been shared, while a single Radio England show would have gone out in the evening from 7pm. BBC local radio 'insiders' gave the news of Patten's proposed speech a cautious welcome, according to the Gruniad. One alleged BBC 'source' allegedly told the paper that any reversal of the planned cuts would 'be welcome' but added that employees would want to see the actual detail before celebrating a victory for common sense. 'If they only knock one or two million pounds off the savings target then it will only be scratching the surface. If they were talking about five million coming back then you would start to see that making a real difference.' The alleged 'source' allegedly added: 'All eyes will be on what they want us to save. Is it the lunchtime show, is it the quality of the journalism, or is it a bit of both?' Despite the complaints, senior BBC executives are privately satisfied at the outcome – because it will mean that the bulk of the DQF savings proposals elsewhere will have been agreed with only minimal opposition. The package was expected to lead to the loss of two thousand jobs across the corporation, including eight hundred posts from BBC News – and has already led to the BBC cutting back on its TV coverage of, for example, Formula One as it saves money on sports rights. The BBC launched the DQF initiative following October 2010's licence fee settlement, which led to the corporation agreeing to see the television levy frozen at £145.50 until 2017 as well as taking on extra funding responsibilities including the World Service, which they rather wanted, and S4C, which they really didn't. BBC local radio stations in England have a collective average weekly audience of 7.25 million listeners, according to the latest official Rajar audience measurement figures for the third quarter of 2011. Research carried out for the BBC suggests that as many as a third of that figure do not listen to any other BBC radio except for their local stations. As this blogger noted last October when the DQF proposals were first announced: 'Possibly because it's the part of the Beeb which I have the most interaction with, local radio is very dear to me. Yes, it has a reputation lower than rattlesnakes piss with those licence fee payers who seldom, if ever, interact with it. Yes, many people tend to think of Alan Partridge when the words "local radio" are mentioned. But it's so much more than that. It has between seven and eight million listeners per week nationwide - many of whom do not use any other BBC radio services. Not only that, but its purpose is, arguably, the most reflective of the BBC's original Reithian public service remit. It does exist purely to reflect the cultural identities of its listeners at a local level; it informs, it educates and it entertains at a local level; it exists to enrich its listeners lives at a local level. In short, it is almost unique in broadcasting anywhere in the world. At the very moment when commercial radio is abandoning much of its local (and even regional) identity in favour of homogeneous bland national nothingness, at the very moment when ITV have all but abandoned the idea of local television, now - more than ever - local radio (and local TV for that matter) has a vital role to play in the communities that it serves.' So, you know, it's a cautious welcome to this news. Though, as ever, we'll wait to see what Chris Patten actual has to say before hanging out the bunting.

Which, of course, brings us to today's Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. Sing Declan!

MasterChef: Tonight, Matthew, It's Not Really Black Forest Gateaux, Is it?

2012-01-24T23:36:00.009Z

The MasterChef final twelve contestants were challenged to cook for the show's former champions and some of last year's finalists on the latest episode of the popular BBC cookery show, one of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's great TV guilty secrets. Not that it's a secret of course, dear blog reader. I mean, I write about it on here often enough. John Torode and Gregg Wallace's amateur hopefuls were tasked with cooking a perfect course for the former contestants, who - they hoped - understood the top-notch standards required to become a MasterChef champion. The final twelve were revealed on last week's heats shows and included former Junior MasterChef contestant Emma Russell, Jay Tinker and Iranian-born Afsaneh Kaviani. Jonathan Dale, Tom Rennolds, Ashvy Dale, Shelina Permalloo and Matthew Frost also made the cut. Completing the line-up were Andrew Kojima, Aki Matsushima, Charlie Wethered and Eamonn Hunt who narrowly missed out on a place in last year's competition.

This was, as India Fisher huskily intoned, 'a baptism of fire' for the dozen. 'Twelve really talented amateur cooks' were competing, John Torode noted and two of them would be going home before the night was out. Torode was, as Gregg Wallace told the twelve, 'dressed for business.' The format was - as in previous years - quite straight-forward, collect together the last seven winners of MasterChef proper - including all our old favourite, Tim The Mad Professor, Dhruv, Mat, Thomasina et al - the three winners of MasterChef: The Profesionals - Derek, Steve and Big Cuddly Claire - and a bunch of the finalists from last year's competition including yer actual Keith Telly Topping's favourite The Gospel According To St James The Carpenter, Bossy-boots Jacqui, Annie and Riviera Sara - and get the final twelve to cook them some nosh.

Hopefully some nice nosh. That was the theory, anyway. Whilst Mr Wallace was busy hob-nobbing with the past winners and company, having a nice glass of wine or two and getting to eat some food, poor old John was stick in the kitchen overseeing matters and having to work for his living. Ah, it's a damn rotten shame is it not? 'They've just got to perform,' he said. 'And, if they don't, I might lose my rag.' You wouldn't like him when he's angry, dear blog reader, trust me. So, firstly, it was lovely to see Tim again - who so lit up last year's competition. The starter dishes were given to Jonathan, Big Scouse Jay, Big Sweaty Eamonn and Aki.

Jonathan devised a gorgeous-looking mushroom ravioli with cep purée, crispy chicken skin and roast chicken breast. Looked great ... when he eventually managed to get it on the plate, that is, as he had some real timing issues. The great comedy moment of the episode was when John asked him how many raviolis he had made up to that point and he said 'two, chef.' Torode blew out his cheeks and just about managed not to have the top of his head fly off. A few minutes later, he asked the same question again: 'Still two, chef,' replied Jonathan when viewers were praying for him to add 'my answer hasn't changed since the last time you asked, chef!' John bellowed at him to get a bloody move on. 'Coming chef,' Jonathan replied. 'So's Christmas,' muttered yer man Torode with a look on a boat-race that suggested he'd had better days at the office.

Eventually, however, Jonathan got there and the dish went down a storm with the punters. Sara loved it. Dhruv loved it. Gregg really loved it. Mind you, Gregg loves everything! One of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's favourites for the competition so far, Big Scouse Jay the security man, seemed nervous at the start and suffered from a couple of cut fingers. In fact, he was so nervous he got his scallops confused with his oysters. Once he'd sorted that out, he confirmed to John that his dish was to be scallops and parma ham on pistachio parsnip cream sauce. Inevitably veggie Jacqui was still causing trouble a year after she left the show, asking for her scallops and ham without the ham. John asked Jay if he thought the dish would work without ham. 'Personally, I don't think so but, if that's what they want ...' he said. It's Jacqui, Jay, don't take it personally last year she managed to piss off plenty of people.

It didn't matter, the dish was one of the highlights of the day. 'That's lovely,' said Gregg with the sort of look on his mush that sharks give just before they bite someone in two. Big Eamonn's dish was oven-baked mackerel with proscuitto ham, oyster cream, rocket and breadcrumbs. Nicely though out and well presented. That seemed to go down well with pretty much everyone too. I must say, I like Big Jay and Big Eamonn. Proper Big blokie-blokes, with a good sense of humour each. When asked if he thought his dish might be a bit overcomplicated Big Eamonn thought for a moment and then came up with the best line of the episode: 'You don't go far in MasterChef by cooking egg and chips, do you?!' Top man!

Last on the starters was that bouncing ball of total mad energy PhD Aki whose Japanese savoury custard dish with lobster, chicken and duck-stuffed shitaki mushrooms was, also, one of the stand-out dishes of the day. As you'd expect, The Mad Professor loved it the mostest, baby. 'My kind of food!' said Tim with a beaming smile. Not only that but, today, Aki wasn't quite the bouncing ball of total mad energy she had been in the past, leading John to, at one point, wonder if her sister had turned up by mistake. So, pretty much four-for-four there. Almost faultless, Jonathan's timing issues aside. On the main course were Charlie, Afsaneh, Tom and Shelina. There were further timing issues here for Charlie who conspired to hold everybody up with the time it took to cook his pan fried Asian sea bass, sesame asparagus with lemon baby squid and cabbage. The dish looked good and produced mostly positive comments, but Charlie got himself very disorganised which might have harmed his chances. 'I'm trying to impress you,' he told John as he attempted to excuse a madly over-cluttered work area. Lovely Afsaneh, one of the surprise packages from the previous round, again came up trumps with another fantastic looking Middle Eastern influenced dish of poussin with dill rice, saffron and lemon jeu and Greek yoghurt. Gregg devoured it in seconds - even though she left the string on her chicken; how that got past Torode on the pass is another matter entirely! If Charlie was having a bit of a 'mare, Tom the Plasterer who'd been so impressive in the last round wasn't all that far ahead of him. His dish of pan-roasted duck breast with white truffle croquette and port sauce would've been great if he'd actually put a bit more of the port sauce on it. 'Where! Is! My! Sauce!' bellowed Wallace when presented with his plate. 'Has somebody got a jug and they're hiding it under the table?' He later described the lack of a bit more sauce as 'criminal.' I say, steady on, Gregg, it's only a plate of duck.

Shelina said that she wanted to present 'a flavour of my island (Mauritius) on a plate.' Her dish was spicy lamb with a tamarind jeu, broad beans and cumin. It almost came to pieces in her hands when she undercooked the lamb. Nor was it the best presented plate of the day and it somewhat underwhelmed some of those ordering it. 'A bit sloppy' was how Gregg described it. And so to the deserts: Ashvy made fig tart tartan with salted pine-nut praline ice cream. Parts were very good (the ice cream, in particular) but the tart itself came out slightly soggy, something noted by several of those eating it, especially Thomasina. The real horror story of the episode was about to happen, however, for poor old Matthew. The concept of his dish was fine - a deconstructed black forest gateaux ('in a cup'). But the lad seemed nervous from the off and it all went horribly wrong when his mousse didn't set and he, in John's words, 'fell apart completely.' He woefully muttered a few random words of apology: 'I can't give it to you, I really am so sorry. I've let you down.' He looked truly wretched and pathetic, like he was about to burst into tears at any second, a situation probably not helped by John noting: 'You haven't let me down ... you've let yourself down.' Well, I'm sure that made the lad feel a whole hell of a lot better, you sarky git! It was torturous to watch and you really did feel for the poor lad even though it made for twenty four carat brilliant TV drama. As Bart says to Lisa in an episode of The Simpsons when she's embarrassed Ralph Wiggum on national television: 'If you freeze the video you can actually pin-point the second when his heart rips in half!'

At this point John stepped in and helped him salvage what was left of the dish and, in fact, the comments that come back about it weren't all that bad. But, as John would subsequently note, the only way anything ended up on the plate was because he'd taken over the dish. That, effectively, sealed Matthew's fate there and then.

Meanwhile Emma was having her own little mini-'mare. Her dish was chocolate cylinders filled with raspberry, with a beetroot and raspberry sorbet and chocolate crumbs. 'What happens if your cylinders don't work?' asked John. Emma started to stammer an answer, stopped, started again, stopped and then, finally, said 'they will work.' It sounded more in hope than expectation and she seemed less than confident. 'Her cooking can be controversial' said India in voice-over as it was noted she'd only just scraped through the last round. Sure enough a couple of Emma's cylinders didn't work and there was some running around like a headless chicken for a moment before, somehow, she managed to get her shit together and get the plates out on time. And they were good. Very good. St James The Carpenter was all smiles at the sheer audacity of it. Annie said it was the best dish she'd tasted all day. Emma, 'controversial' or otherwise, had pulled it off, big style.

Next up was another of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's favourites, Steve Diggle lookalike Andrew. 'He's half-man, half-food library' noted Gregg. Andrew promised a poached praline pear filled with chocolate sauce and cardamom, blackberry and coffee macaroons. He said it would, hopefully, he brilliant. 'Stop using the word "hopefully"' ordered John. Andrew looked a bit shaken when he discovered that one of those who'd ordered the dish had been the 2007 MasterChef winner Steve Wallis who'd actually cooked a variation of that very dish in the final. Steve, needless to say, loved it. So did everyone else. Particularly Gregg who, as previously noted, likes nothing better than a nice juicy pear. Fnaar, fnaar. It was a little masterpiece even if its creator thought it 'looked a bit eighties!' Self criticism isn't a bad thing, Andy mate, but stop hiding your light under a Garry Bushell, you're bloody good! And that was it. The previous winners went off back to their own restaurants and John and Gregg sat down for a chinwag. 'There's been some ups, some downs and some merry-go-rounds' Gregg noted, poetically. The highlights, they both agreed had been all four starters (Jonathan looked shocked when his name was called out but, he needn't have been) plus Afsaneh, Andrew and, perhaps a touch surprisingly, Emma.

Matthew's goose was already well and truly cooked so it was just a case of which one of the other four was going to join him going through the exit door. In the end, Charlie can probably consider himself a shade unfortunate although his timing issues were pretty bad. So the twelve became ten. 'If you think today was tough,' Torode said, with a twinkle in his eye, 'just wait to see what come next.' What does come next, dear blog reader, is the first mass catering challenge, the one that usually sorts the men from the boys and the women from the girls. The most maddeningly entertaining cookery competition with a cult following on British telly returns tomorrow.

Sometimes You Need Somebody If You Have Somebody To Love

2012-01-24T15:05:00.001Z

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping thought that John and Gregg from MasterChef, described as 'a slightly more mature cooking version of Ant and Dec' were on particularly fine form on The ONE Show on Monday night. Although we could all, probably, have done without Alex Jones's witless witterings regarding Sherlock. Trying watching the episode if you want to understand what happened, love, like normal people! oh, and if you could manage to get rid of the paint-stripper voice as well, that'd be lovely. It's starting to get right on my tit.

Now, this blogger has said it before but it bears repeating, dear blog reader, some people simply have too much time on their hands. And thank God for that, frankly! Here's forty eight years of Doctor Who in nine minutes and twenty six seconds. Whoever you are 'BabelColour', you're marvellous. 'You're serious, aren't you?' 'About what I do, yes. Not, necessarily, the way I do it!'

Dom Joly has announced that he has signed up to front a new ITV show. The Trigger Happy TV comedian will star in new hidden-camera prank series Fool Britannia, which will reportedly be broadcast on Saturday evenings in October for eight nights. Well, that sounds staggeringly original. It will be broadcast before The X Factor, in the slot previously taken by Harry Hill's TV Burp, which is likely to end its run this year. Joly tweeted: 'If you are in the UK you are now a legitimate target. [It] will never be as good as the superb TV Burp but [I] will give it my best.' Oh, please, let him try and pull one of those 'this was last funny on Game For a Laugh thirty years ago' stunts on me, I'll be delighted to give him a good talking to before refusing to sign the release for them to broadcast it! The comedian was said to be developing a new reality series last year with ex-Big Brother producer Daniel Nettleton. In the event it appears that rather than developing a new reality series, he's merely gone for the format of his old one. Well, why sell an idea once, when you can sell it half-a-dozen times under different titles?

Revenge is supposed to be a dish best eaten cold. But why stop at one dish when you're having a good time? At the Leveson inquiry into phone-hacking on Monday, Chris Patten, Tory ex-cabinet minister turned grandee and gourmet, treated himself to a MasterChef-style five-course banquet that spared neither politicians nor the newspapers before which so many had cravenly 'grovelled.' 'Yes, it's completely true,' he said, that Rupert Murdoch had personally intervened to prevent HarperCollins from publishing his China-sensitive memoirs about his governorship of Hong Kong. Murdoch did so during his attempt ('always doomed') to expand his media empire into China, where he was not the only foreign businessman to think (erroneously) that it would help to kowtow to Beijing, said Patten. He did so in a matter-of-fact sort of way, as if addressing a class of school children, on the day the inquiry abandoned the fetid alleys of Fleet Street and breathed fresh air again by grilling the chaps from the BBC and other terrestrial TV channels. They speak the same kind of language as the lawyers; not so much a grilling as a gentle toasting with plenty of butter slapped on. So 'Lord Barnes' (Judge Leveson's slip of the tongue) was giving evidence as chairman of the BBC Trust, not as chancellor of Oxford University. But he is also the first real politician to face Leveson, so the Murdoch story was prompted by David Barr QC, counsel for the inquiry, who had just emerged from a dry two and half hour exchange with Mark Thompson, nice-chap-but-a-bit-boring director-general of the BBC. Thompson, whose successor will be paid a lot less than his six hundred and seventy grand a year, so Patten had told Monday's Murdoch-owned Times, had been meticulous in explaining the myriad safeguards, rules and reviews which guard the BBC's reputation from vulgar tabloid error. By the sound of it, it is a miracle that Panorama ever gets on air. Not a man to use one word where ten will do, when Thompson hesitates he does not say 'Er,' but 'Er, er, er, er' occasionally with an added 'um, um.' When Patten's turn finally arrived he was crisp and rather witty, with just a hint of barely concealed boredom. He told Leveson that he had won an apology, secured his fifty grand author's advance and sold extra copies in the US via a cover sticker proclaiming 'the book that Rupert Murdoch refused to publish.' Cash and an apology from the Murdochs is pretty routine nowadays but, in the twilight years of the last century it as unheard of. This was a good ten years ago which makes Patten a Hugh Grant before his time, the Sienna Miller of the Tory party. Twisting the knife, he even praised Murdoch as a serious newspaperman and as an 'entrepreneurial genius' online. No vendetta, he added. Rupert will be livid. By the time Patten had finished, most of his fellow politicians – Labour, Tory and Lib Dem – must have nursed hurt feelings too. They would all sleep better and take better decisions if they worried less about front pages and saw less of editors and proprietors, he advised them. Lady Thatcher mostly saw journalists she thought intelligent rather than admiring – he cited the Gruniad columnist, Hugo Young – so she could argue with them. 'They were chalk and cheese in their political views.' Patten said the present crop of MPs were mistaken in believing newspapers determined their fate and should realise that Rupert Murdoch's help is only available when it wasn't needed. 'I think major political parties, and particularly their leaders, over the last twenty or twenty five years have often demeaned themselves by the extent to which they've paid court on proprietors and editors,' he told the inquiry. 'Of course I'm in favour of talking to editors and journalists, but I'm not in favour of grovelling and I think politicians have allowed themselves to be kidded that editors and proprietors determine the fate of politicians. I think that there's plenty of evidence that in some cases, particularly News International newspapers, they back the party that's going to win an election. So they give you what you don't need in return for more than a great deal of faith,' he added. Alas, the myth had since evolved that newspapers could decide elections rather than back the side which was going to win anyway ('help you don't need' Patten said). In a dig at David Cameron, Patten revealed that he had met the prime minister only once since becoming chairman of the BBC Trust in May 2011. 'I'd have presumably seen the prime minister and other party leaders more frequently if I'd been a News International executive,' he said. As party chairman, Patten had rarely seen or phoned any media people. At that point Lord Leveson must have recalled ex-Sun editor, Kelvin MacKenzie's testimony that he told John Major (after Patten had lost his seat at the 1992 election) that he would 'pour a bucket of shit' over him. Organise a Chequers sleepover, as another PM (Gordon Brown) had done for Murdoch cronies? Patten shuddered at the thought. It was all so pointlessly 'demeaning.' In all this he rarely mentioned any of them by name, not Blair, Cameron or other Fleet Street greasers, preferring instead to name-drop the likes of Tom Stoppard, Coriolanus, John Milton and Ian Hislop (twice). Not to mention 'Mrs Dave Bowie'! In its way it was magnificently anti-populist, but it could also serve as a cautionary tale: lesser men they may have been, but the greasers climbed higher up politics' greasy pole than did fastidious Lord Patten. On the other hand, it looks like he might make a rather decent chairman of the BBC Trust - first one of those we've had for a while - which, in the great scheme of things, could prove to be rather more important.

The Usual Suspects and In Treatment star Gabriel Byrne is making a return to UK television to take the lead role in Channel Four's conspiracy drama Coup. In what is understood to be his first UK TV role in almost twenty years (1994's Screen Two drama All Things Bright and Beautiful was probably the last), Byrne will play reluctant hero Tom Dawkins. In the four-part thriller, which is loosely based on the novel A Very British Coup by former Labour MP Chris Mullin, politician Dawkins takes on the might of the establishment in a bid to uncover the truth behind an industrial accident in Teeside. Byrne's casting is something of a coup itself for Channel Four, because although the Irish actor appeared in some UK television productions in the 1980s and early 1990s, he has since worked almost exclusively on films in the US. Coup is due to begin filming next month and will air later this year. It has been penned by Cops and Lennon Naked writer Robert Jones and will be produced by Johann Knobel, who worked on The Shadow Line and Shameless. The executive producers are Jason Newmark, Ed Fraiman, George Faber and Charles Pattinson. Coup is being made by independent producers Company Pictures and Newscope Films. A Very British Coup was, of course, previously adapted for television by Alan Plater and Mick Jackson in an acclaimed four-part drama in 1988 starring the late Ray McAnally.

Almost seventy per cent of the British public distrust red-top tabloids in the wake of the phone-hacking scandal, according to a new survey, the results of which are published in the Gruniad. That, in and of itself isn't so surprising. What is is that, seemingly, around thirty per cent of the British public do trust tabloids. What, are you people on drugs or something? In a study of two thousand one hundred UK adults in January, sixty eight per cent of respondents said they did not trust red-tops – including the Daily Lies, the Daily Mirra and the Sun – 'to do what is right.' However, faith in the UK media overall actually rose fifteen per cent last year among a separate group of five thousand six hundred ~~glakes~~ adults who described themselves as 'university-educated people' who regularly follow the news. Middle-class wankers who read the Gruniad Morning Star over their frappuchinos, in other words. The Edelman Trust Barometer, published on Tuesday, is an annual survey that measures Britons' trust in the government, business, media and non-governmental organisations. US firm Edelman is one of the biggest global PR and communications groups. This is the first time that Edelman has asked a representative sample of UK adults about how much they trust the media, so year-on-year comparisons are unavailable. The huge fall leaves red-tops trailing behind social media, such as Twitter and Facebook, as information sources that the public trust in this way. Edelman's study suggests that broadcasters including the BBC and Sky News are among the most trusted media organisations, ahead of broadsheet titles such as the Gruniad and the Torygraph.

According to the Metro, Alesha Dixon is reported to be 'upset' to find that Simon Cowell is openly boasting in the press that he poached her from the BBC for the Britain's Got Talent panel simply because he believed this would hurt Strictly Come Dancing's ratings. Well,why the hell did you think he'd hired you, Alesha? Your massive talent?

And, speaking of greedy deluded talentless women, Christine Bleakley is said to be 'relieved' to be off ITV's breakfast show flop Daybreak as 'she was worried the hours were making her look older than her years,' a 'source' has, allegedly said. One would've thought that was the least of the Curiously Orange ones problems.

Which brings us, rather nicely, to Daybreakwatch:
3 Jan 625k AI 67
4 Jan 704k AI 69
5 Jan 698k AI 73
6 Jan 638k AI 68
9 Jan 687k AI 74
10 Jan 615k AI 67
11 Jan 746k AI 67
12 Jan 709k AI 69
13 Jan 678k AI 71
16 Jan 722k AI 70
17 Jan 706k AI 71
18 Jan 729k AI 71
19 Jan 709k AI 70
20 Jan 681k AI 67
23 Jan 705k

... new faces, same old story.

Katherine Kelly's departure from Corrie on Monday night brought the ITV soap its best overnight ratings in several months. The evening's two episodes brought in initial audiences of 10.6m and 11.2m respectively. In what was ITV's best night of the year so far, Emmerdale's 7pm episode also had a better-than-usual overnight audience of eight million. With Above Suspicion pulling in six million and even the wretched Caroline Quentin vehicle Cornwall managing an overnight of 4.6m it was, by a distance, ITV's strongest performing primetime since The X Factor finished in mid-December. Nothing on BBC1 got anywhere near to those figures although EastEnders managed 9.1m and Mrs Brown's Boys continued its impressive second series run with 5.2m. Sadly (well, from David Jason's viewpoint, anyway) The Royal Bodyguard - which the BBC had put so much faith in - continued to tank with 2.79m. BBC2's best performing programme was, as usual, University Challenge (2.8m).

Twatting About on Ice judge Katarina Witt has apologised for describing Chemmy Alcott as 'a big woman' on this week's show. The German panellist denied suggestions that she was commenting on Alcott's weight when she expressed concern about the skier entering into lifts with professional partner Sean Rice. 'I feel sorry about a comment I made about Chemmy and I think I upset her a bit,' the Sun quotes Witt as saying. 'I said she's a big girl and she misunderstood. I meant it in a complimentary way, that she is a tall girl. As a skater I was a big girl, I was tall, I was big. I must say I am sorry. I think it was really a language thing so sorry, sorry Great Britain.' Don't apologise, Katarina. This blogger is no expert on the matter but he reckons Chemmy in big in all the right places and none of the wrong ones.

Television viewing maintained record levels in 2011, as big shows such as The X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing kept the average viewer watching the goggle box for four hours and two minutes every day, a new report has revealed. According to TV marketing body Thinkbox, commercial TV channels (non-BBC) were 'responsible for maintaining the record viewing level', as they accounted for sixty four per cent of all linear TV viewing, up 1.3 per cent on 2010. For the younger, and supposedly 'vital' sixteen the thirty four demographic, the commercial viewing share rose to seventy two per cent. Using figures from the Broadcasters' Audience Research Board, Thinkbox found that average daily TV viewing in 2011 was at exactly the same level as the previous year. The average viewer watched twenty eight hours and fourteen minutes of TV a week, down by one minute on the previous year's figures. Given that, this blogger is, clearly, doing about three people's work each week. Thinkbox found that the average person consumed eighteen hours and eleven minutes of commercial TV a week, an increase of twenty two minutes a week on 2010. In the last ten years, commercial TV viewing has increased by more than three hours and thirty minutes a week. Viewers watch two hours and thirty six minutes of non-BBC TV a day, up thirty one minutes a day over the last ten years. The increase in commercial TV viewing has also meant that people are watching more TV adverts, as commercial impacts during 2011 were up 2.6 per cent year-on-year. The average viewer watched forty seven adverts a day during last year. BARB's official figures do not cover TV viewing on other devices, such as laptops, tablets and smartphones, but the body has been monitoring these viewing devices since 2005. The collected data suggests that there is an additional 1.2 per cent of TV viewing via other devices, and that rises to 2.9 per cent for sixteen to thirty four-year-olds. According to BARB, 90.6 per cent of all linear TV was watched live as it was broadcast in the UK last year, while only 9.4 per cent was 'timeshifted' on those digital video recorder services such as Sky+ and Freeview+ that yer actual Keith telly Topping doesn' know how to operate. Non-live viewing was up from 7.6 per cent in 2010, which was largely due to more households owning a DVR service, estimated at fifty per cent of UK households. In DVR households, 84.7 per cent of TV was watched live and 15.3 per cent consumed via timeshift within seven days - this level has remained roughly stable since the first DVRs were introduced ten years ago. Thinkbox believes that total linear TV viewing levels will now stabilise after a sustained period of record growth. The body feels that new technology innovations, such as high definition and timeshift, have enhanced the TV experience and 'magnetised' viewers to living room set. It also pointed to the fact that around ninety seven per cent of UK homes now have access to a digital TV service, while video on-demand platforms such as BBC iPlayer are sending people 'back to the broadcast schedules.' Around eighty nine per cent of people use on-demand TV to catch up on missed live shows. Another issue not flagged up by Thinkbox but potentially significant is the rise of 'second screening', the use of smartphones and tablets to access social media services around TV shows. As Twitter and Facebook activity around programmes like Strictly Come Dancing and Sherlock sometimes appears almost as compelling as the programmes themselves, this is creating a 'virtual water cooler' phenomenon, in that people do not want to miss out on the live TV event. Another important issue around 'second screening' is the high chance of viewers being exposed to spoilers, giving away important details about the show before they have had chance to see it. 'These figures explain why so many tech companies want to join the TV industry. Many companies are flocking to launch new TV services or social media services that feed off people's love affair with TV,' said Lindsey Clay, Thinkbox's managing director. 'It is obvious that people want to watch TV programmes on the best screen in the home if they can and 2012 will bring more opportunities to do that with the sale of connected TVs and more catch-up TV services to the TV set. And alongside that there is now a wide variety of personal screens to watch TV on which make TV even more convenient; tablets are really delivering an excellent mobile TV experience. TV continues to be the most effective form of advertising there is and the instant responses that second screens enable is making it even more so.'

Amanda Holden will miss Britain's Got Talent auditions in Blackpool on Tuesday after admitting herself to hospital yesterday. Well, that's one way of getting out it, I suppose.

Jon Snow, the veteran Channel Four newscaster, has warned that television journalists are being 'starved of the opportunity' to develop the stature of previous generations of broadcasters because of the pressure to respond to short-term demands from executives, competitors and new media. Giving the annual Hugh Cudlipp lecture, Snow contrasted the demands of the present day with his experience in Uganda in 1976, where the impossibility of producing film quickly meant he could produce emotive journalism unconstrained by deadlines or time. 'The speed and pace of what all of us is doing is starving television journalists, in particular, of the opportunity to develop the stature and presence of our forebears. These were people who had days in which to prepare their stories, dominated a tiny handful of channels and became iconic figures in the medium,' he said. Snow began his career at ITN in 1976, and that year travelled to Uganda to report on the impact Idi Amin was having on the country. 'Because I was not constrained by immediate "live" deadlines and the rest, I had time to hang about to try to grab an interview with the tyrant,' he said. In those days it would take three days for a report to hit the airwaves, he said, but on a visit to Egypt last year 'I tweeted, blogged, reported, fed the bird and then anchored that night's Channel Four News live from just outside [Tahrir] square.' But Snow said the current era represented a 'golden age' for journalism, partly because when comparing Uganda in 1976 with Cairo in 2011, 'the actual time spent on the journalism was no more than today – maybe even less. Sitting in Uganda, there was no Google, no ready comparative resource, no means of checking anything other than what you had witnessed.' He said it was important for broadcasters to give their reporters 'time in the real world. Bosses must carve out time for journalists to get out of the newsroom. If I'm any good as a journalist, it is not only because I have travelled to more than a hundred countries to report.' Snow said newspapers had suffered from the absence of a 'credible regulator' compared with television. He was not advocating that Ofcom should take on the job of regulating the press, he said, but 'an independent system with its own powers to investigate wrongdoing seems an essential.' Statutory regulation had not necessarily damaged reporting on TV. 'If we can practice cutting-edge journalism on television with regulation, I see no reason why an Ofcom-style regulator (although not necessarily an identical system) with full access for public complaint should not be perfectly applicable to the print world too,' Snow said.

Noel Gallagher is to be honoured with the godlike genius prize at this year's NME Awards. The former Oasis songwriter and guitarist follows acts like The Clash, Paul Weller and New Order in winning the award. He picks up the award as Blur prepare to collect this year's outstanding contribution to music prize at the Brit Awards next month. Oasis won that particular accolade back in 2007. Gallagher, who launched his solo career fronting The High Flying Birds in 2011, will pick up his prize at the NME Awards on 29 February at London's O2 Academy Brixton. 'I would like to thank NME for bestowing upon me such a great accolade,' he said. 'I have dreamed of this moment since I was forty three years old. I accept that I am now a genius, just like God.' Noel wrote the majority of Oasis's hits including chart-toppers 'Don't Look Back In Anger', 'Some Might Say', 'All Around The World', 'Go Let It Out' and 'The Importance of Being Idle'. (And, 'Supersonic', 'Whatever', 'Live Forever', 'Wonderwall', 'Roll With It', 'Rock n Roll Star', 'Champagne Supernova', 'Stop Crying Your Heart Out', 'Little But Little', 'Stand By Me' ... you know, a few good tunes, basically!) He quit the band in 2009 after falling out with his brother, Liam. His debut solo CD made it to number one in the album chart. NME editor Krissi Murison said: 'For the best part of two decades, the voice of one man has dominated the pages of NME more than any other.' But, since Morrissey's still busy suing them at the moment, they're giving the award to Noel instead. 'Opinionated, intelligent, passionate and always hilarious - Noel walks and talks it better than any other musician out there, and it's just one of the reasons why the British public loves him so dearly. No individual has written as many sing-out-loud classics as Noel. His songwriting has defined a generation.' Aye.

Now, of course, if yer actual Keith Telly Topping was really smart at this point he'd have an Oasis song for today's Keith Telly Topping's 33 of the Day. Unfortunately, I used one as recently as yesterday. And so, instead, we have a truly remarkable performance and one that, I'm sure Noel would approve of. The Blind Boys of Alabama's take on what is, by a considerable distance, the least likely gospel song ever written.

Take Me Up To The Top Of The World, I Want To See My Crime

2012-01-23T18:34:00.003Z

There is 'no evidence whatsoever' that any BBC journalist has hacked into a telephone, the BBC's Director General has said. Mark Thompson - whose full witness statement can be read online - was giving evidence before the Leveson Inquiry into media ethics being held in London on Monday. He also said that he had not heard any 'rumour or whisper or suggestion' that BBC journalists had ever hacked phones or anything even remotely like it. Thompson said he had ordered a review into whether staff at the BBC had engaged in phone hacking when the news emerged of the practice at the disgraced and disgraceful Scum of the World newspaper. He described this review as 'necessary and appropriate.' He added: 'The BBC is not a business and it might well be that someone running a media business might take a different view from the view that I took as Director General of the BBC. The BBC is a public service broadcaster. It is committed to be the most trusted, trustworthy source of news in the world and we want to maintain the highest possible standards in all matters, including matters relating to privacy. It being undetermined how widespread some of these issues have been in the media, I think it was prudent to look at whether the BBC could, in its journalism and journalistic practice, hold its head up and say actually, we don't do these things.' Thompson also said that the BBC has not made any improper payments to police officers. He explained that when police officers appear on the Crimewatch programme, they are sometimes given a 'very small payment' as contributors. The Director General also said private investigators were sometimes used by BBC for 'security and surveillance services as a whole.' Investigators have also occasionally been used to find people, so that journalists can send them a 'right of reply' letter in relation to investigations, he added. During the hearing, Thompson was asked about an occasion when the BBC had hired a private investigator to discover the owner of a car through its number plate. He said that at the time of the investigation 'many organisations had access to DVLA information,' including private investigators, and that the inquiries made were 'in the public interest.' He went on to say that delivering online news was 'no less demanding and in some ways more so' than for TV and radio outlets. 'One of the issues for the BBC and other news organisations is that once you put something on the web it's there forever,' he said. Thompson said that the BBC would be 'generally reluctant' to broadcast an investigative story with only one source - particularly if it was an unattributed one. 'We would expect them to refer the proposal to do this to a more senior editorial figure,' he said, adding that it is a 'universal preference' to have multiple sources. 'It would require a very particular circumstance and high bar to proceed on the basis of one source if we're talking about an investigation.' The core of the BBC's mission is trust and accuracy, Thompson told Judge Leveson. He said that the director of news, Helen Boaden, would be involved in discussions on sourcing in contentious cases. Questioned about the truth and accuracy of its journalism, Thompson said that the BBC put those ahead of speed in its editorial guidelines. 'We would rather be right than first,' he said. 'Frankly, where we can, we would like to be right and first. But [if] we have to choose, we would rather be right than first.' He added: 'Research with the British public suggests the public have got uniquely high expectations of the BBC. In other words, the standard to which the BBC is held by the public is higher than for any other medium.' Inquiry QC David Barr asked Thompson about the subject of privacy. 'We should respect privacy unless there are strong public interest reasons for not doing so,' said Thompson adding that the BBC would need prima facie evidence of wrongdoing before undercover filming could be approved. The BBC has a policy against blanket approvals of subterfuge and 'fishing expeditions,' he went on. He noted that every request for secret filming is logged and that the BBC has two layers of approval: one for whether the secret filming should go ahead, and another for whether it should be broadcast. 'Simply carrying it out is obviously an intrusion into privacy. But obviously there is a second and potentially much greater level of intrusion when said footage is broadcast to millions of people.' Thompson added that secret filming is never done to make a programme 'more exciting, more attractive' – it is always done to get evidence of potential wrongdoing. Leveson asked Thompson if the BBC's undercover 'audit trail' is 'bureaucratic.' Thompson replied: 'Essentially it adds a certain amount of delay to the process,' but added that the 'greater importance' is around deliberation and care. 'Even when the end has got a strong public interest defence, the means that you are proposing to use have to be considered very carefully,' adding that the red tape is justified because of the potential for intrusion. Thompson was asked whether the BBC has not run stories because of these policies. 'I don't believe we have missed important stories because of these policies,' he replied. However, he referred to a Panorama documentary about Primark's working practices about which the BBC Trust concluded it was 'more likely than not' that a section of the film was not genuine. Barr asked Thompson about phone-hacking. A recent BBC review found no evidence that phone-hacking had ever been employed by corporation staff. 'There was no evidence whatsoever. I have not ever heard a rumour or a whisper or a suggestion that they had [hacked phones],' said Thompson. He added that it seemed 'prudent' following the Scum of the World hacking scandal to conduct a review of the BBC's practices. Barr mentioned that Sly Bailey, the Trinity Mirra chief executive, told the inquiry last week that there was no need to investigate phone-hacking allegations at her business. 'I would maintain that it was necessary and appropriate. I would draw your attention to the fact that the BBC is not a business, it is a public service broadcaster,' said Thompson. 'Given, in a sense, that moment which arguably we're still in that it being undetermined how widespread these issues had been in the media I thought it was prudent to see whether the BBC could say [there is no evidence of hacking by corporation staff].' Lord Leveson pointed out that the BBC review went further than hacking, and examined whether staff undertook 'blagging', as well as whether staff paid police or public officials, paid private investigators, or made improper payments to mobile phone companies. There were two references to the BBC in the information commissioner's Operation Motorman report into private investigators, one of which the BBC was referred to as a target. Thompson said that it was described as 'BBC wine blag' in the notes which appeared to be linked to a newspaper trying to find out how much the corporation spent on alcohol. The BBC hired a private investigator in 2001 to track a 'known paedophile' on an inward flight to London, Thompson said, adding that there was a 'strong public interest defence justification' for it. The private investigator they used was Steve Whittamore who was later convicted of illegally accessing personal data. In 2001 a current affairs journalist commissioned Whittamore to supply information about whether a paedophile was on a flight into Heathrow Airport. The programme, which for other reasons was never broadcast, was looking at whether people with UK convictions for child sex offences could get jobs giving them access to children in other countries. Thompson said that a small payment will be made to police officers who appear on Crimewatch. He said it would be 'wrong and improper' to pay a police officer for confidential information. Police and politicians will sometimes receive a fee when appearing on BBC entertainment shows. 'But, in no way are public officials and politicians treated differently [to other on-air guests regarding payments],' said Thompson. Private investigators are used by the BBC 'generally for surveillance and security and sometimes for serving right of reply letters,' Thompson told the inquiry. Consumer programmes such as Watchdog will occasionally employ a firm of private investigators to track down the subject of an investigation to serve them with a right of reply letter, because it would be too time-consuming for a journalist, he added. Barr asked whether the BBC would broadcast a programme if it could not track down the subject beforehand. Thompson said it would only if the corporation had made 'extensive efforts' to reach the person in question and also that there was a strong public interest defence. Thompson said that the subjects of complex investigations by the BBC, for example Panorama inquiries, are given between five and ten days to reply to allegations before a programme is broadcast. Leveson asked Thompson to explain how the BBC would use private investigators for surveillance. Thompson gave the example of an investigation into a bail hostel that involved the subjects being monitored by private investigators. The BBC would only broadcast something if it believed that the secret recording 'showed something that demanded a reply,' Thompson said. He mentioned the Panorama broadcast last year about abuse in a care home, which was put to the owner of the home before it was broadcast. Thompson was then asked about privacy injunctions. He said that injunctions against the BBC mostly come from the family courts. 'The BBC simply doesn't do many kinds of story that have been problematic elsewhere.' Barr returned to the topic of private investigators and asked whether Thompson was aware that attempting to discover the owner of a car through its number plate must include private information from the DVLA. Thompson said that at the time the investigation took place, 'many organisations had access to DVLA information,' including private investigators. Barr said there is no specific BBC prohibition on use of phone-hacking. Thompson replied that the BBC did not previously explicitly prohibit phone-hacking in its guidelines because it never thought it would happen. He added that phone-hacking is illegal and, therefore, not something that any journalist should be doing and that they should not need to be told not to do it. 'Our view would be that any proposal to do such a thing would clearly take you into the areas which are covered,' Thompson says, adding: 'The guidelines of the BBC are clearly against it.' He adds: 'Given what's happened elsewhere, laying it on very clearly and saying specifically that phone-hacking and computer-hacking are not allowed would be very sensible.' Thompson was asked about truth and accuracy. He agreed that the BBC puts this ahead of speed in its editorial guidelines. Blogs from the likes of Robert Peston and other senior BBC journalists will be checked by a senior editor before being published online, Thompson said. 'One of the issues for the BBC and other news organisations is that once you put something on the web it's there forever.' He described the Internet as 'no less demanding and in some ways more so' in terms of the need for accuracy as TV and radio news. Thompson said that the BBC is still 'grappling with some new issues' with online publishing, referring to user-generated content from readers and the importance of attribution and provenance. 'That's something which we and other broadcasters and newspapers are still working through,' he said. Thompson told the inquiry that every programme-maker in the BBC – including himself – had to take seminars on editorial decision making. He said the corporation has a 'chain of command' for editorial decisions. Thompson added that journalists will 'come up to me and argue about policy decisions' as an example of the BBC not needing to change its journalistic culture. The BBC is trying to achieve an 'error rate which is vanishingly small,' Thompson said. He added that the corporation would rather 'err on the side of slightly too much training and standards' because the BBC has a high barrier of trust. Thompson was asked about the BBC's complaints procedure. Barr pointed out that the present system has been criticised for being 'too complicated and too slow.' Thompson confirmed that the BBC intends to simplify the complaints system. The 'overwhelming majority' of complaints are dealt with swiftly, he added. He told Leveson that the BBC receives 'well over one million' contacts from the public each year, of which about two hundred and forty thousand are complaints. He said that it responds to ninety three or ninety four per cent within ten days. The BBC Trust ultimately upholds six to seven of the two hundred and forty thousand complaints the corporation receives. Thompson says that these complaints rarely land the BBC in court, adding that between four and six defamation proceedings are launched against the corporation each year and that it has been over a decade since the BBC last lost such a case, although one or two had been settled. He also drew a distinction between the majority of complaints the BBC receives - such as 'why have you cancelled Programme X because the tennis overran?' - and those to do with personal privacy, inaccuracy, bias etc. He said that they took all complaints - including those caused by Andy Murray's game going to a fifth set meaning that EastEnders had to go onto BBC2 - seriously. Thompson was asked about the BBC's internal Neil Report, which came in the aftermath of the Hutton inquiry in 2004. The director general at the time was Greg Dyke. 'The Neil report is the foundation of high journalistic standards,' Thompson said. The report included new recommendations on sourcing, attribution and right of reply. Barr pointed out that there compliance issues remained at the BBC post-Neil Report, for example the 2008 row over phone-in competitions and the misrepresentation of the Queen in a 2007 documentary. Thompson said that the BBC let the public down by not running some of the competitions in a fair way. He added that the effect of some of this was to deceive the public, but distanced that from the Hutton case, which was about journalism not entertainment. Thompson was asked about the corporation's lapses in standards. 'I believe that as quickly as possible you should tell the public directly that you recognise that the BBC has made mistakes, that we are sorry for letting them down and we will do everything in our power to make sure it doesn't happen again,' he said. 'Sadly, that wasn't what happened in the instances of phone-ins and the Queen documentary.' He added that the Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand Sachsgate scandal was a 'very serious lapse of editorial judgment' that was 'far, far, far beyond the line.' Thompson told Leveson that the BBC introduced new rules about 'conflict of interest' regarding independent producers following the Sachsgate malarkey. 'We also added a new guideline about intimidation and humiliation,' he said. Thompson was then asked about the BBC's relationship with the tabloids. He agreed that it sometimes follows up tabloid scoops. David Barr asked Thompson about his relationship with the police. He said he will occasionally meet top police officers, but not often. 'These are not frequent or extensive contacts,' he said, adding that he has had lunch once or twice with the Met police commissioner. Thompson said he has never 'been put under what I would describe as unreasonable or improper pressure' in his time as director general. He mentioned that a politician phoned him before the broadcast of the explosive Panorama programme exposing alleged corruption at the highest levels of football body FIFA. 'My response to them was that I believed that we were right to pursue the investigation and it would be wrong to adjust the scheduling or character of the programme,' he said. Sadly he didn't add that the majority of the allegations made by the Panorama programme in question have, subsequently, proved to be broadly correct. Thompson was asked about the future of investigative journalism. He said Fleet Street 'has done some outstanding investigative work' recently, and that 'shouldn't get lost in this broader debate.' He added that it is not clear why economic pressures faced by newspapers would affect ethical standards, but he noted that he has never worked in the newspaper industry. David Barr asked Thompson if he believes there is a need to regulate Internet bloggers. 'One has to be realistic about the practicalities of what's going on on the Internet. It seems to me to apply the same level of control over the global Internet as you would to a public-service broadcaster is simply impossible,' he said. Thompson added there might be 'a line' that can be drawn online. Thompson said he cannot understand the argument that economic pressures have led to short cuts being taken, which might damage the ethics of newspapers' news-gathering methods. The BBC director-general said he holds Channel Four's news operation in high esteem. 'I believe that Channel Four has done much distinguished investigative work over the years. It's a well run and tightly editorially managed organisation.' Thompson and Lord Justice Leveson then discussed models of statutory or self-regulation. Leveson said that he is not proposing to impose the same regulatory model for TV news on the press. Thompson said that its 'important for the plurality of media in this country that the press is not constrained' in the same way as the BBC, Channel Four and other broadcasters. 'I think this country has benefited from having a range of media that are funded differently, constituted differently, have different objectives,' he said. Leveson asked Thompson for his thoughts on the vexed question of public interest. Thompson said a public-service broadcaster like the BBC should have a greater focus on public interest than a glossy magazine like Hello. The exposure of any crime met Thompson's idea of public interest. Leveson asked whether Thompson feels the BBC's 'growing reach' of its news coverage has eaten away the business of regional newspapers and other local media. Thompson claimed that he has not seen any 'tangible' evidence of this and added that the BBC's regional services have not grown over the last thirty years at least - certainly in terms of TV and radio. He also noted that, in total the BBC had approximately twenty five per cent of the news space in the British media but accounted for around seventy per cent of the consumption which, he said, was proof that the public, by and large, trust the BBC more than many other media outlets. Thompson said that a regulator like Ofcom being imposed on newspapers would be 'very constraining.' The objection to statutory regulation for the press is based on fears that the independence of the press could not be sustained for much longer, he told Leveson. Thompson said that he worries that tighter regulation of the media could be imposed by the Government at a politically sensitive moment. Lord Justice Leveson replied: 'I don't want you to feel I'm fighting for a solution I haven't already got.' Thompson warned of a danger that the phone-hacking scandal might result in a perception that all tabloid journalism was 'bad or dishonest. That simply isn't the case, and I think that trying to keep objectivity about the range of journalism and about the quality of much of our newspaper journalism is an important part of the story as well,' he said. The BBC's director general echoed comments to the inquiry last week by The Times editor James Harding, who expressed fears that any new law underpinning press regulation could later be tightened to suppress newspapers. 'I think that this country in the end has benefited from having a range of media which are funded differently, constituted differently and have different objectives,' Thompson said. 'Historically the BBC has argued against a statutory foundation, preferring instead the idea of royal charters given over ten-year periods, precisely to stop the risk of political change to its constitution in mid-flight.'

Following Thompson, next on the witness list was Lord Patten who said that the BBC's charter works 'in a practicable way.' he stated that he 'would never, ever, seek to interfere with the director general's editorial decisions.' Lord Patten told the inquiry that he is 'rather impatient' over the endless debates about institutional architecture, especially having spent five years at the European Commission. Patten suggested that the BBC 'should learn to say sorry quicker' when asked about its complaints process. He said it was very important that the BBC set 'a gold standard' for accuracy and impartiality in its journalism. He also noted that the BBC was in the unusual position of often getting as many complaints from, for example, Ohio as it does from Darlington when its runs a story about, say, Israel. Lord Patten echoed Mark Thompson's earlier evidence and said that the BBC undertook an internal review into phone-hacking 'given the surprise' about how widespread the practice appeared to be, and to check 'that it hadn't polluted [the BBC].' The internal review found no evidence at all that BBC journalists had been involved in phone-hacking. Patten said the 'sheer intrusivesness' of television sets it apart from print media. He gave as an example the difficult decisions to be made over showing footage of Muammar Gaddafi's dead body in Libya. Patten said that the BBC would sometimes follow up on tabloids' stories, but it is not true that the corporation will wait for newspapers to break stories and then follow them. 'I agree with you we occasionally find ourselves following up on tabloid stories that we certainly wouldn't have broke ourselves,' he said, but this wasn't always the case. David Barr asked Patten about the peer's 'well publicised' dispute with Rupert Murdoch in 1997-98. Murdoch halted the publication by HarperCollins of Patten's book about his governorship of Hong Kong because it was critical of the Chinese government. 'Yes, it's completely true,' confirmed Patten. 'Plainly, Mr Murdoch took the view that publishing a book that was critical of the Chinese leadership would do [harm to his prospects in the country].' Murdoch allegedly told HarperCollins not to publish the book using the excuse that it 'wasn't good enough.' Stuart Profitt, a senior editor at HarperCollins, refused to back down and lost his job as a result. Lord Patten subsequently secured an apology and a fifty thousand pound payout from News Corp. The memoir was then published in America with a sticker on the front reading 'The book that Rupert Murdoch refused to publish,' which added tens of thousands to sales, the hearing was told. Asked why Murdoch intervened, Patten said: 'To curry favour with the Chinese leadership. It was a commercial leadership which rebounded to my advantage.' Patten was asked about his own dealings with politicians. 'Not much. I'm a member of the House of Lords but when I became chairman of the Trust, I agreed to resign the Conservative whip and become a cross-bencher. I don't vote on controversial issues. I see ex-politicians in the House of Lords from time to time.' He said that he has seen Jeremy Hunt two or three times, spoken to him on the phone or texted him a couple of times. He has met the prime minister once since he became Trust chairman. 'I'd have expected to meet the prime minister and other party leaders more times if I was a News International executive,' he said with a little smile of the sort that sharks usually give just before they bite you in two. Major political parties and their leaders have 'demeaned themselves' over the way they have 'paid court' to newspapers in the last twenty five years, Lord Patten claimed. He added that he is not a fan of 'grovelling' to the press. Politicians have allowed themselves to be fooled by editors that they hold greater sway with the public than is the reality. Lord Patten said that he declined to phone up editors when they said something unpleasant by the government when he was Chairman of the Conservative Party. 'I think it's demeaning and I don't think politicians should do it,' he said, adding this made him unpopular with his political colleagues. Patten said that he has no vendetta against Murdoch and said the mogul has brought benefits to the UK's media landscape. 'I wouldn't want anybody to think I have a vendetta about Mr Murdoch. I think it is probably the case that certain papers exist in this country because of him,' he told Leveson. He described Sky News as 'a terrific success.' Seeing too much of journalists or executives from the same media group 'isn't a very healthy democratic development,' Patten said. He claimed that was 'not sure' about the claim that Margaret Thatcher ushered in this closer relationship between journalists and politicians, pointing out that she would meet certain journalists – naming Hugo Young – 'a surprising amount' because she thought they were intelligent and 'liked arguing with them.' Patten said that the Times has covered the phone-hacking saga in an 'extremely fair' and 'admirable' way. Patten tells Leveson that broadcasting regulation is not applicable to the press. He said in an interview published in The Times on Monday that newspapers should not be subject to statutory regulation: 'It would be preferable not to have any statutory backup because we should be able to exercise self-discipline in our plural society, which doesn't involve politicians getting involved in determining matters of free speech. [That] is always going to raise suspicions that politicians or governments are trying to protect their own position.' He told the inquiry that no one seemed to have proposed an entirely credible alternative regulatory structure for newspapers, something which Lord Justice Leveson, sadly, agreed with him on. Barr suggested that the press has turned a drink in what David Mellor described two decades ago as the 'last chance saloon' into a 'veritable pub crawl.' Patten appeared unfamiliar with his former cabinet colleagues infamous statement asking 'who came up with that cliche?' He said that Tony Blair's equally infamous 'feral beasts' comment about the press was, perhaps, an overstatement. He added that it is 'far preferable' for the written media to 'clear out their own stables.' Lord Patten said he doesn't believe there is a 'pluralism problem' within the British media. He pointed out that Sky News has 'probably devoted more time to the hacking story than the BBC has, proportionally,' which he said shows the 'spirited independence' of the partially Murdoch-owned broadcaster. Patten made two points about the BBC's own position in the market, firstly that the BBC is 'a declining part of the broadcasting economy' and secondly that the BBC often gets a dominant position in the provision of news to some sectors because of 'market failure.' He gave the example in local radio news and, in passing alluded to the BBC's current DQF proposals and gave his strongest indication yet that the future of local radio and local television within the BBC was something which viewers and listeners, clearly, care deeply about. Echoing Mark Thompson's early comments about twenty five per cent of the output but seventy per cent of the consumption, he said that the overwhelming point about the BBC's dominance of news reflects the quality of its output. He cited a recent interview with 'Mrs Dave Bowie' (Iman, in case you were wondering, not The Great Dame Dave her-very-self) who apparently told The Times that Dave 'didn't believe anything unless he'd heard it on the BBC.' Quite right, Mrs Dave Bowie. The first task is for the media to behave better, said Patten, but when illicit newsgathering methods are used the police should investigate 'rather than develop and unhealthily close relationship with some journalists, editors or proprietors.' He twice alluded to Ian Hislop's previous evidence to the inquiry which he described as 'admirable.' So, that's Have I Got News For You commissioned for the foreseeable future. In his final exchanges with Lord Justice Leveson, Patten said that while the inquiry is working towards a new model for press regulation, 'wheels are whirring in Wapping and elsewhere in order to find some way that independent regulation may be effective.' Leveson said that he hopes to have a dialogue with the press through the inquiry and that this will result in newspapers coming up with ideas for change. But he said the public need to be carried along with the press. Patten said the inquiry is a good example of 'tutorial government' by helping to shape the debate around press reform.

The chairman of the Commons culture, media and sport select committee, John Whittingdale, has told Sky News that 'several News of the World reporters appeared to have hacked Milly Dowler's phone.' Odious lice Scum of the World journalists who hacked the murdered schoolgirls phone told 'a string of lies' and 'interfered with the investigation into her disappearance in 2002', according to a Surrey police report released by the parliamentary committee. In a month that has already seen the Scum of the World apologise for hacking three dozen celebrities and crime victims whilst other parts of the News International empire - notably the Sun - have brazenly tried to minimise the enormity of the Scum of the World's disgraceful activities with a campaign of whispers against the Gruniad Morning Star who broke the story - the Surrey report released on Monday paints an even more graphic picture of disgraced and disgraceful Sunday tabloid methods. In a detailed sixteen-page letter published by MPs, the force sets out a series of conversations at the height of the hunt for Milly, between Surrey Police and the Scum of the World. It parallels the evidence revealed at the current Leveson inquiry into press behaviour. However, the Surrey police do not shed any further light on the still unresolved question of how voicemails came to be deleted from Dowler's phone. They say that the Metropolitan police in London, who are investigating the Scum of the World's vile and despicable phone-hacking reign of terror, have 'still not reached' a final conclusion on this matter. 'When, and the extent to, which Milly's mobile phone voicemail was unlawfully accessed (and whether any messages were deleted) are matters which form part of the MPS's ongoing investigation.' Last July, the Gruniad reported that the Scum of the World had hacked Dowler's phone and deleted messages in the first few days after her disappearance in March 2002. After further inquiries, the Metropolitan police suggested in December that whilst the tabloid did indeed hack Dowler's phone, it was unlikely to have been responsible for specific deletions which caused her parents to have false hopes that she was alive. Monday's published Surrey timeline, based on police logs from 2002, depicts a news organisation which tried to bully detectives into backing its own misguided theories, as police searched desperately for clues about the schoolgirl who went missing on 21 March 2002. According to the file, the reporters were 'so confident' of their own power that they openly admitted the paper had 'obtained tapes' of the voicemails on Dowler's phone. Their misinterpretation of the messages then made them mistakenly believe she was still alive. Rather than tell her family and police of this important information, however, it appears they concentrated on getting a scoop. Reporters made calls to an employment agency with which they thought Milly had registered, and sent what the agency called 'hordes' of reporters to 'harass' them. Only on the Saturday immediately before the publication of their story, did they contact the authorities. The Surrey files have been edited to withhold the names of the specific journalists, two of whom are currently under criminal investigation by the Metropolitan police's Operation Weeting. What Surrey police do describe, however, is the way they first learned of interference in their investigation. In mid-April 2002, an employment agency in the North of England, which had no involvement whatever with Dowler, rang West Mercia police to complain. Staff arrived for work 'to find hordes of reporters from the News of the World waiting.' The firm said: 'We have had a News of the World reporter harassing us today. He says that our agency has recruited Milly as an employee, demanding to know what we know and saying he is working in full co-operation with the police.' However, the Surrey report says 'The News of the World reporter's assertion that he was working with the police was untrue.' The previous day, someone also had rung the agency pretending to be Milly's mother. The files show that a Scum of the World reporter subsequently claimed to police that the agency had 'admitted' the thirteen-year-old Dowler was registered for employment with them. This claim also proved to be wholly untrue. On 13 April, the police heard from the Scum of the World directly. A journalist demanded 'to be put in touch with a senior police officer.' He claimed 'he had what could be significant information.' The journalist disclosed that 'the recruitment agency had telephoned the mobile phone number of Milly Dowler [and left a voicemail message] with an offer of work.' The journalist said they knew it was a recording from Milly's phone because some of her friends had confirmed both her number and pin. The reporter also told the police that other voicemail messages on Milly's phone included a 'tearful relative', a young boy and someone saying 'It's America, take it or leave it.' Police at first thought this story of a voicemail must be the work of a hoaxer. They eventually discovered that it was 'a pure coincidence, of no evidential value.' The agency had merely rung the wrong number by mistake, and left a message for someone called 'Nana', which the reporters had persuaded themselves sounded like 'Amanda', Milly's birth name. But the Scum of the World refused to accept their story had been knocked down. One reporter insisted that it could not be a hoax because 'the News of the World had got Milly's mobile phone number and pin from school children.' In fact, the Scum of the World had paid the private investigator Glenn Mulcaire to do so. The Scum of the World had five reporters working on the story, it told police, and it printed a story in its first edition on 14 April 2002 claiming police were 'intrigued' by the, alleged, new lead. It quoted verbatim from three voicemails, and gave the impression they had been retrieved by the police themselves. After protests from Surrey police, the story was modified in later editions of the paper to suggest that the employment agency message was 'merely a hoax.' The paper wrote detailing further voicemail messages they possessed, and demanding police supply more information. One reporter said 'what the Surrey police press officer was telling him was not true and was inconceivable. The News of the World was moving its investigation to the North of England, that Milly had been there in person and that she had applied for a job in a factory. The unidentified reporter whose name has been redacted from the document then said that the Scum of the World 'know this one hundred and ten per cent – we are absolutely certain.' But, according to the newly-released report, the Scum of the World's one hundred and ten per cent certainty was simply based on illegal voicemail interceptions, a misunderstanding of the facts, and an apparent confidence that police would not dare take action against it for phone-hacking. Former Scum of the World journalist Neville Thurlbeck told Channel Four News last week that he had been acting as news editor at the time of the hunt for Dowler. But he said he had 'not been aware' that her voicemails had been hacked by the paper. The Surrey police flatly contradict the suggestion that they could have been the original source of the Dowler voicemails which were published in the Scum of the World at the time, a claim made both by Thurlbeck and by Tom Crone, the Scum of the World's former lawyer, in his evidence to the committee. They say: 'The News of the World obtained that information by accessing Milly Dowler's voicemail.' No one at Surrey police was aware of its existence until told by the Scum of the World journalists. 'What it appears to tell is that several journalists at the News of the World were involved in hacking the voicemails left on Milly Dowler's phone,' John Whittingdale told Sky News. 'They did so in pursuit of a story rather than wanting to help the police with their inquiries. It appears as if they may have actually interfered or impeded the police in their investigations into what turned into a murder inquiry because they went on claiming they had evidence Milly Dowler was still alive,' he added. The Torygraph's Gordon Rayner noted: 'Surrey Police knew in April 2002 that the tabloid had illegally accessed the schoolgirl’s mobile phone messages, but instead of pressing charges a senior officer from the force invited two News of the World staff to a private meeting at the force's headquarters to discuss the case. Up to three other police forces were also aware of the hacking by the News of the World, but they did nothing until newspapers reported it last July.' Officers from Sussex Police, who reviewed the case in 2002, failed to do anything about the hacking. The report also implies that West Mercia police would also have been told about it, but it does not say whether the Metropolitan Police, which worked closely with Surrey force on the case, was told.

The Times could be subject to a police inquiry after Scotland Yard received a complaint from the Labour MP Tom Watson ('power to the people!')calling on the force to investigate the newspaper over e-mail hacking allegations. Watson has sent a letter to the Deputy Assistant Commissioner Sue Akers urging Scotland Yard to launch an investigation into The Times amid allegations that one of its reporters admitted hacking into the e-mail account of a police officer. Both James Harding, the editor of The Times, and Tom Mockridge, the News International chief executive, recently gave evidence to the Leveson inquiry acknowledging that a reporter at the paper had admitted to hacking but not naming the reporter as Patrick Foster. The newspaper later admitted Foster, had hacked the account of Richard Horton, a police officer who blogged anonymously under the name Nightjack. In an article published on Thursday, Harding admitted it was the NightJack case but did not disclose whether he knew before the court case that the e-mails had been hacked, or if he knew about it before the story was published. The Times last week said that Foster, twenty eight, had 'informed his managers before the story was published that he had, on his own initiative, hacked into Mr Horton's email account.' Horton was 'outed' in 2009 after The Times fought an injunction in an effort to reveal his identity. Foster, who has contributed articles to the Daily Torygraph, was later dismissed from the newspaper over 'an unrelated incident.' Watson's letter to the Metropolitan Police, which was also sent to the Attorney General, said: 'It is clear that a crime has been committed - illicit hacking of personal e-mails. A journalist and unnamed managers failed to report the crime to their proprietor or the police. I must ask that you investigate computer hacking at The Times. In so doing you will also be able to establish whether perjury and a conspiracy to pervert the course of justice have also occurred.' The force has set up Operation Tuleta to look at allegations of e-mail hacking. This weekend, it emerged Watson would write to Lord Justice Leveson this week formally requesting he recall Harding following fresh revelations surrounding the NightJack blogger case. Watson said: 'James Harding has questions to answer. "Who at the company was aware the High Court and the blogger's lawyers were not told about this?"' Watson added that it raised further questions as to whether James Murdoch, the chairman of News International, knew. In the wake of the Scum of the World phone-hacking scandal, Murdoch told MPs last year that he was 'unaware' of any computer hacking taking place within News International. A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said: 'We can confirm that a letter was received today, Monday 23 January, from Tom Watson MP. Officers from Operation Tuleta are in contact with Mr Watson in relation to specific issues he wishes to raise. We are not prepared to discuss the matter further.'

The BBC's foreign editor, Jon Williams, has demanded that two Syrian TV stations apologise for their attacks on the corporation's integrity. In a tweet earlier today, he claimed that the stations, Al Dunya and Al Ikhbaria, had falsely accused the BBC of 'inciting sectarianism' and 'fabricating stories.' He told the Gruniad: 'It's taken long enough for Syria to allow foreign correspondents into the country, and we welcome that change of mind. But the Damascus authorities must allow our staff to do their job without them being intimidated.' It is known that a BBC producer has been verbally abused several times while working with reporters. In a second tweet, Williams wrote about that colleague being attacked by President Assad's supporters, reiterating that the BBC is 'committed to reporting all sides of the story. Intimidation of local staff must stop.'

Ofcom has ruled that ITV 'misled' viewers by broadcasting footage claimed to have been shot by the IRA, which was actually material taken from a video game. A total of twenty six people alerted the regulator, raising concerns over the footage broadcast in Exposure: Gaddafi and the IRA, in September. ITV apologised after the issue came to light, saying it was 'an unfortunate case of human error' and that the human who erred has since been given a jolly good talking to. Or, something. Ofcom said it was a 'significant breach of audience trust.' The current affairs programme was investigating the financial and military links between the former Libyan leader, Colonel Gaddafi, and the IRA. During the documentary, footage labelled 'IRA Film 1988' was shown, described as film shot by the IRA of its members attempting to shoot down a British Army helicopter in June 1988. However, the pictures were actually taken from a video game called ArmA 2. ITV said the programme had intended to use footage of 'a genuine incident' which had been included in an episode of The Cook Report years earlier. While trying to source 'a better version' of the footage, the programme director viewed footage from the Internet which 'he mistakenly believed to be a fuller version.' ITV said that 'regrettably' the Internet footage was not cross-checked and verified by the production staff as being The Cook Report footage. In another instance, footage of police clashing with rioters in Northern Ireland was described as having taken place in July 2011. But viewers complained to Ofcom that due to the type of police riot vehicles shown, the footage must have been of an earlier riot. ITV said although the incident referred to did happen, it admitted the footage was not from July 2011. It said the programme's director had requested the film from a local historian who had supplied footage to broadcasters in the past and was considered a 'trustworthy' source. However, due to a 'miscommunication' between the two parties, 'the discrepancy was not discovered.' ITV said the documentary had included footage intended to portray two real events and apologised that in each case 'the wrong footage' was used, adding 'mistakes were the result of human error and not an intention to mislead viewers.' Finding ITV in breach of the broadcasting code, Ofcom said it was 'greatly concerned' the broadcaster failed to authenticate the two pieces of footage. It said there were 'significant and easily identifiable differences' between The Cook Report footage and the footage taken from the video game and was therefore 'very surprised that the programme makers believed the footage of the helicopter attack was authentic.' The regulator added it was also 'not sufficient for a broadcaster or programme maker to rely on footage provided by a third party source, on the basis that that source had previously supplied other broadcasters with archive footage. We take into account that ITV apologised, removed the programme from its catch-up video-on-demand service and has now put in place various changes to its compliance procedures to ensure such incidents do not happen in future,' Ofcom said. 'However, the viewers of this serious current affairs programme were misled as to the nature of the material they were watching.' Meanwhile, Ofcom has said it will not investigate complaints about the BBC programme Frozen Planet, after it broadcast footage of newborn polar bear cubs filmed in an animal park, rather than in the wild. Ofcom said five people complained - all coming after the Daily Mirra had run a troublemaking story about the issue - the show was 'misleading' as they had assumed the cubs were born and filmed in the Arctic. The BBC said that such filming was 'standard practice' for natural history shows so as not to endanger the welfare of their the cameraman or, indeed, the cubs. The regulator said 'after careful assessment', it decided not to pursue the programme as it 'did not raise issues warranting investigation.'

The X Factor has been cleared over claims that Tulisa Contostavlos's The Female Boss arm gesture on the show promoted her perfume, but the spin-off programme The Xtra Factor was found to have given 'undue prominence' to the fragrance. Ofcom launched an investigation last November after noting that the N-Dubz singer started each episode of The X Factor by holding her arm up sideways revealing a tattoo saying, The Female Boss, which was claimed to refer to her new fragrance. The media regulator received eleven complaints that showing the tattoo was in breach of rules governing the promotion and reference of commercial products by on-screen talent. Channel TV, which complied The X Factor on behalf of ITV, said that the references to Tulisa's perfume had not been broadcast in return for payment. The broadcaster argued that Tulisa has several tattoos, and the one on her forearm was 'several years old.' It also said that The Female Boss was the singer's nickname, while her fragrance was actually called 'TFB by Tulisa', not The Female Boss. Ofcom said that the gesture on The X Factor 'did not promote, or give undue prominence' to Tulisa's perfume, after it acknowledged that the fragrance actually went under a different name. It therefore did not find any breach of the broadcasting code. However, Ofcom has decided to uphold one complaint against a feature in ITV2 spin off programme The Xtra Factor, which was found to give 'undue prominence' to the fragrance. on 29 October, the feature included Tulisa discussing the launch of her TFB by Tulisa perfume and her arm gesture on the show. The Xtra Factor presenter Caroline Flack said that she had been wearing the new fragrance, to which her co-presenter Olly Murs commented: 'I wondered why you were smelling so nice.' The duo said that 'everybody, and I mean everyone, has been getting involved with the Tulisa Female Boss salute!' and then showed a selection of viewers and celebrities mimicking Tulisa's greeting, as well as more images of the gesture of The X Factor. Channel TV attempted to argue that The Xtra Factor feature 'was lighthearted, a bagatelle designed to lighten the mood of the judges and the studio audience.' It also noted that it is common for the show to refer to the latest ventures by a celebrity judge or guest, such as an autobiography or new single. Ofcom noted that such commercial references can be editorially justified, but it found that Flack and Murs had unfairly endorsed Tulisa's perfume on The Xtra Factor. 'We noted that Tulisa's perfume is called TFB by Tulisa, but that one of the presenters wrongly referred to the perfume as, 'your perfume, The Female Boss,' said Ofcom. 'After this, the other presenter not only endorsed the product (ie 'I wondered why you were smelling so nice') but then observed that both Tulisa's perfume and her salute were 'catching on.' Ofcom considers that this gave undue prominence to her perfume - a commercial product. 'Ofcom considered that, in light of the undue prominence given to the product by the sequence as a whole and, in particular, Olly Murs's endorsement of it, the sequence appeared to promote Tulisa's perfume.'

Former Doctor Who writer Russell Davies is returning to children's TV with an action adventure drama for the BBC. Aliens Vs Wizards will be filmed for CBBC at the new BBC Wales drama studios in Cardiff Bay. The Swansea-born dramatist said: 'Writing for children is the biggest challenge of all.' It will be the first new series from Davies since he returned to the UK from Hollywood last year after his partner was diagnosed with brain cancer. The new series has been created with Phil Ford, who worked with Davies on Doctor Who and children's spin-off The Sarah Jane Adventures. Aliens Vs Wizards tells the story of two sixteen-year-old boys - a secret wizard and his scientist friend - who challenge the attempts of aliens to destroy the earth. 'Writing for children is the biggest challenge of all and I think CBBC stands right at the heart of broadcasting,' said Davies. 'So I'm delighted to launch this show, a true nationwide collaboration - a Salford commission from a BBC Wales team. We're joining genres too - the show's a wild, funny, thrilling and sometimes scary collision of magic and science fiction.' Faith Penhale, head of drama at BBC Cymru Wales, said: 'We're so excited to be working with Russell again on this ground-breaking and hugely ambitious drama for CBBC.' Davies began his career in children's TV, writing and producing acclaimed children's dramas such as Dark Season and Century Falls for BBC1 and Children's Ward for ITV, before moving onto a series of adult award-winning dramas including Queer as Folk and Casanova. In 2005 he revived Doctor Who after a sixteen-year hiatus and, as executive producer, oversaw the production of spin-off series Torchwood and The Sarah Jane Adventures. The success of those series prompted Davies to move to Hollywood in 2009 to develop new projects. But he returned to the UK in 2011 saying he was putting his career on hold after his partner, Andrew Smith, was diagnosed with brain cancer. Aliens Vs Wizards will be a series of twelve half-hour programmes produced by BBC Wales in association with FremantleMedia Enterprises for broadcast on CBBC in autumn 2012.

Harry Hill has indicated that TV Burp will end in March. In a new blog post, the comedian revealed that the new series' last episode will culminate in a 'huge finale.' 'The New (and it seems last) series of TV Burp starts up on the 4 Feb and finishes eight shows later at the end of March in a huge finale - SO MAKE THE MOST OF IT!' Hill said. It is Hill's strongest hint that he is quitting the programme, after insisting in October that 'no decision' had been made about its future. The forty seven-year-old has previously admitted that working on the show, which has broadcast over twenty episodes a year since 2008, has left him feeling exhausted. After splitting with his agent and boss of production company Avalon, speculation has arisen over whether Hill will move TV Burp to the BBC or Sky.

The BBC has, perhaps unsurprisingly given the audiences for the first two episodes, announced that new drama Call The Midwife will return for a second series. The show stars Miranda Hart as one of a community of nursing nuns. The first episode pulled in a total of 9.8m viewers on 15 January, making it BBC1's highest launch episode of a new drama since the new version of Doctor Who began in 2005 with eleven million viewers. The second episode on Sunday also drew impressive figures, with overnight figures averaging 8.6 million. 'Call The Midwife has had a huge impact with audiences,' said a thoroughly delighted BBC1 controller Danny Cohen. 'It's a very high-quality drama series from a brilliant team. It manages to be both hard-hitting and emotional, gritty and warm. I am already looking forward to the second series.' Ben Stephenson, controller of BBC Drama Commissioning, added: 'Call The Midwife is a totally original mix of comedy, tears, babies and nuns and it is fantastic to see this distinctive piece of British drama win such high praise and ratings. We can't wait for the team to return next year and are very grateful to the vision of [original author] Jennifer Worth and [adaptation writer] Heidi Thomas.' The show has been popular with the critic too, Caitlin Moran in The Times noting the show is: 'Frankly, off-the-scale ballsy. In a nutshell, Call The Midwife brought the full, visceral nature of human reproduction and sexuality to the screen in all its agonising, bloody, disturbing, exhausting, life-threatening glory, in a tea-time slot more usually occupied by pampered Pomeranians with a cough, or Last Of The Summer Wine.' Nicola Methven in the Daily Mirror added: 'New ratings champion is born at the BBC. Call The Midwife has pushed harder than Downton Abbey when it comes to winning the ratings war.' And, even the notoriously sniffy and hard-to-please AA Gill in The Sunday Times: 'Call The Midwife was utterly winning; it is proper;y family watching.'

And speaking of ratings, here's Top Twenty programmes week-ending 15 January:-
1 EastEnders - BBC1 Fri - 9.99m
2 Call The Midwife - BBC1 Sun - 9.83m
3 Sherlock - BBC1 Sun - 9.78m
4 Coronation Street - ITV Mon - 9.31m [+ 670k HD]
5 Emmerdale - ITV Mon - 7.94m*
6 Twatting About On Ice - ITV Sun - 7.60m [+ 651k HD]
7 Above Suspicion - IT V Mon - 6.95m [+ 570k HD]
8 Casualty - BBC1 Sat - 6.81m
9 Match of the Day Live: Sheikh Yer Man City FC vs Liverpool Yee-Haws - BBC1 Wed - 6.81m
10 Wild At Heart - ITV Sun - 6.75m [+ 539k HD]
11 Hustle - BBC1 Fri - 6.51m
12 Mrs Brown's Boys - BBC1 Mon - 6.29m
13 Countryfile - BBC1 Sun - 6.16m
14 The National Lottery: Who Dares Wins - BBC1 Sat - 5.83m
15 Midsomer Murders - ITV Wed - 5.82m*
16 BBC News - BBC1 Sun - 5.62m
17 New Tricks - BBC1 Thurs - 5.43m
18 Holby City - BBC1 Tues - 5.23m
19 Six O'Clock News - BBC1 Tues - 5.18m
20 The ONE Show - BBC1 Mon - 5.01m
* = ITV HD figures not included. BBC2's highest rated shows of the week were The Great Sport Relief Bake-Off (3.53m) and The Mystery Of Edwin Drood (3.49m). Channel Four's highest rated programme was One Born Every Minutes (3.57m).

Mario Balotelli could be hit with a four-game suspension after Harry Redknapp urged the Football Association to take action against the Sheikh Yer Man City FC centre forward for 'kicking Scott Parker in the head' during Stottingtot Hotshots 3-2 defeat. One would, perhaps, have thought that at a time like this, Mr Redknapp might have had more immediate things on his mind. Like, you know, mounting a defence to keep himself out of jail on tax evasion charges, for instance. Still, never short of a few words on any subject is old Happy Harry. As Newcastle fans will know after Redknapp crassly interfered in the affairs of another club by talking in a press conference about supposed get-out clauses in Demba Ba's contact. And this, dear blog reader, is the man whom most of the arse-licking London-based press want as the next England manager. Words fail me. Though, they seldom seem to fail him, sadly. None of this excuses the actions of Balotelli, a second-half replacement for Edin Dzeko, who claimed victory for City at the Etihad Stadium by scoring a penalty three minutes into stoppage time after being fouled by Tottenham captain Ledley King. But having escaped punishment from referee Howard Webb for appearing to stamp on Spurs midfielder Parker’s head on eighty four minutes, Redknapp's anger centred on the fact that Balotelli was still on the pitch to play such a central role in his team's defeat, which leaves the Hotshots eight points adrift of leaders City. 'I'm sure they [FA] will look at it,' Redknapp whinged. 'They must do, mustn't they? It's not the first time he's done that is it and I'm sure it won't be the last. The first [stamp] could be an accident, but the second one? He's back-heeled him straight in the head. I don't like talking about people kicking players in the head, but when you see that, it's wrong. It's blatantly obvious. Whether he gets sent off or whatever, it's wrong and I don't like seeing people react like that to a challenge. Scott made a good block. [Balotelli] reacts like that at times to challenges, but Scott now has a lovely cut on his head. I don't see any reason. What reason did he have to kick Scott in the head with his studs while he is lying on the floor? It's not something I understand. How you can back-heel somebody in the head when they are lying on the floor? It's not a nice thing to do and it has no place in football.' Having failed to take action at the time, World Cup final referee Webb will be asked for his observations by the FA on Monday and Balotelli could be charged with violent conduct if the referee admits that he would have dismissed the Italian had he seen the incident. With Balotelli having already served a suspension for a dismissal at Liverpool earlier this season, the twenty one year-old could have an additional game added to any suspension — typically three matches — for violent conduct if charged and found guilty. City continue to harbour grievances against the FA after losing captain Vincent Kompany to a four-game ban earlier this month following an unsuccessful appeal against a red card against Manchester United. And assistant manager David Platt, speaking in place of Roberto Mancini due to the manager allegedly 'losing his voice' during the game, claimed that television replays could yet spare Balotelli. Platt said: 'I haven't seen any replays, so I can't really comment. I never saw anything live and there was nothing from the players either. What we are aware of, from the last month, is that different TV angles can show different things.' Okay. here;'s you are then, Platty, have a butchers at this. With City awaiting the FA's verdict on Balotelli, concerns will also be raised by the possibility of Joleon Lescott facing a similar probe after appearing to elbow Spurs defender Younes Kaboul in the mush in the seventy fifth minute. The Balotelli incident, the latest controversy surrounding the former Inter Milan forward, overshadowed a pulsating game which saw Spurs fight back from two goals down to equalise before almost scoring a winner through Jermain Defoe in stoppage time. Balotelli's penalty secured City's victory and consolidated top spot, leaving Redknapp admitting that the Spurs now face a battle to win their first title since 1961. He said: 'It's going to be hard to win the title.' It'll be even harder if their manager goes down for avoiding paying tax on what the BBC describes as 'bungs or offshore bonuses', of course. That's if this happens, of course. Which it might not. 'All I've ever said is that we have got a chance and I think you saw today that we are genuine contenders. There's not much between the teams, we are not a million miles behind City or anyone else. We are a good team in our own right. That's all I ever said. It's difficult now, there are lots of points between us, but we just have to keep going and see where it takes us.' Platt, a title winner with Arsenal in 1998, attempted to play down the significance of City's victory, however. He said: 'It is open. One game doesn't win it and I don't think we have put any extra pressure on Manchester United. The pressure was on them to take maximum points [at Arsenal] anyway, as it is with all the teams at the top. If you slip up, then things tighten up on you. People will talk about Tottenham being out of the title race now but that is not the case. There are plenty of games and plenty of head-to-heads that can still swing it. It was a great victory for us but it is three points, no more.'

The Met Office has issued a severe weather warning for large parts of Scotland and England on Tuesday. Forecasters said rain moving east across the UK was likely to turn to sleet and snow in northern and eastern areas during the day. So, that's directly over Stately Telly Topping Manor, basically. They also said that ice could form where rain falls onto surfaces with temperatures below zero. The yellow 'be aware' warning covers an area stretching from the Highlands to the east and west Midlands. The Met Office said: 'The public should be aware of the risk of disruption to travel, chiefly to routes over higher ground.' The warning comes as police deal with a spate of crashes on a motorway and other minor routes throughout Dumfries and Galloway in icy conditions. Two separate accidents were reported on the stretch of the A74(M) within the region. One lane was blocked on the southbound section at Annandale Services with two northbound lanes closed near Moffat.

The aurora borealis has been sighted over the North of England for the first time in eighteen months. If you check out the BBC Tyne website, you'll find a truly spectacular array of photos of the phenomena from across Northumberland, Durham and North Yorkshire.

Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day now, dear blog reader. This one is for all of the scum of the world that hacked. The net's closing boys and girls. I'm told that slopping out first thing in the morning is something everybody should experience at least once in their lives. Tell 'em all about it, Liam.

It's Not Irony, We're Just Talkin' To The Kids

2012-01-23T11:56:00.000Z

It provoked the considerable wax-exploding-in-the-ears ire of listeners, MPs, senior church leaders and - not for nothing - this blog. Now the BBC's controversial proposed cuts to local radio stations across England have met opposition from the corporation's governing body, the BBC Trust. Well, according to the Gruniad Morning Star, anyway. So, if it turns out that they're wrong, you have my permission to find a Gruniad journalist of your choice and give him an example of your displeasure. Actually, to be honest, you have that permission anyway for crimes against Top Gear. Anyway, Trust chairman Lord Patten is 'expected', claim the Gruniad, to ask management to go back to the drawing board with its plans to cut fifteen million smackers from the budget of the BBC's forty local radio stations, which if implemented would lead to the loss of two hundred and eighty jobs. This proposal prompted thousands of complaints, more than for any other part of BBC director general Mark Thompson's Delivering Quality First initiative to save seven hundred million wonga a year. The BBC Trust, which met to discuss the cost-saving proposals last Thursday, is said to be 'keen to reduce the level of the cuts' and to be 'particularly concerned by the proposal for neighbouring BBC local stations to share afternoon programmes.' Trustees are also understood to want to 'roll back' proposed cuts to BBC1's excellent regional current affairs strand, Inside Out, which faces losing forty per cent of its five million quid annual budget, or forty of its one hundred-strong staff, in the DQF proposals. MPs, many of them speaking in support of their local BBC station, described it as 'a travesty for listeners' and said it would deal a 'crippling blow' to the corporation's regional output. BBC staff also spoke out openly against the scale of the cuts. Station controllers said that it would do 'irreparable damage' to their output and claimed that local radio had ended up at the bottom of the pecking order, as usual, when it came to the BBC allocating resources. Lord Patten is due to speak at the Oxford Media Convention on Wednesday, where he is, the Gruniad claim, 'expected to address the issue of local radio cuts.' The Trust has previously indicated that it would 'aim to provide an early indication of trust thinking in January' ahead of its final conclusions on the entire DQF cost-cutting package, to be published in the spring. Thompson hinted in November at a possible U-turn over the cuts, telling MPs: 'We don't want to preside over the decline of local radio.' The director general claimed that the cuts facing local radio were 'not as harsh as elsewhere in the BBC,' a clear and manifest lie, but then admitted: 'At the sharp end the numbers are daunting.' I should ruddy cocoa, matey-boy. Patten has described local radio as 'the glue that holds local communities together' and that it remains a more trusted way of getting information to the public than anything else. Local radio controllers fear the job losses – about ten posts will go from a typical BBC local station employing forty people if the proposals are carried out – will also impact on the quality of their most popular shows at breakfast and drivetime. Thompson launched the DQF initiative following October 2010's flat licence fee settlement that also resulted in the BBC taking on extra funding responsibilities including the World Service. It is expected to lead to the loss of two thousand jobs across the corporation, including eight hundred posts from BBC News. Other cost-saving initiatives include more repeats on BBC2 and less money spent on sport and entertainment programmes. A spokeswoman for the BBC Trust said it would be 'inappropriate' to comment on speculation. The Trust held a dual public consultation over DQF and the future of local radio which came to an end in December. The BBC's local radio stations in England had an average weekly audience of 7.25 million listeners, according to the latest official Rajar figures for the third quarter of 2011.

Kathy Burke has written her first ever TV series, which has been picked up by Sky Atlantic. The four-part Walking And Talking is based on her teenage years, dreaming of being an actress while skiving from school in a working-class area of London. It follows the success of her Little Cracker film Better Than Christmas, which aired on Sky 1 in late 2010 and told of how a chance meeting with The Clash changed Kathy's life. God it was good. Ami Metcalf and Luther's Aimee-Ffion Edwards – who played the young Kathy and her best friend Mary in the Little Cracker – will reprise their roles, while Jerry Sadowitz does a rare acting turn as Jimmy the Jew. Burke said: 'I wanted to write a semi-autobiographical piece that was uplifting and heart-warming. Walking And Talking is my love letter to books, 70's television, music and friendship.' Sky's head of comedy said: 'We loved Kathy's Little Cracker so much we demanded more. We are immensely proud to have this exquisite series.' The series – which will go out this summer – will be made by Tiger Aspect and directed by Tim Kirkby, whose credits include Stewart Lee's Self Important And Not Very Funny Comedy Vehicle and Look Around You.

Blue Peter presenter Helen Skelton has completed a five hundred-mile trek to the South Pole - on skis, kite skis and an ice bike. The TV star battled for eighteen days through severe snow storms, temperatures as low as minus forty eight degrees (C, not F) and a bad bout of dehydration. She said her body hurt 'in countless places', but finishing the challenge for Sport Relief felt 'incredible.' The twenty eight-year-old also set a new world record for the fastest one hundred km by kite ski - in seven hours twenty four minutes. 'The environment is so harsh and on a day when you can get sunburn, you can also get frostbite,' she said. Sounds just like Whitley Bay in July, frankly. 'I could fell my ears burning through my helmet because of the wind. This has been a massive adventure and at times it felt like it was never going to end. My body hurts in so many different places, mentally I'm exhausted and I've only washed once in the last thirty days, so to be finally standing at the Pole feels incredible.' Skelton became the first person to use a bike - with specially adapted wide tyres - as part of an expedition to the Pole. She covered three hundred and twenty nine miles by kite ski, one hundred and three miles by bike, and sixty eight miles by cross-country ski. She pulled a sledge containing her supplies that weighed a total of eighty two kg. The adventurer suffered numerous blisters, a hacking cough, and ongoing stomach troubles during the trek with Norwegian explorer Niklas Norman, a small BBC team and a logistics crew. British explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes said: 'I take my hat off to Helen Skelton. I have to admit when she first told me that she was going to cycle part of the way to the South Pole, I laughed. But through pure grit and determination she has got there and shown that, yes, you can use a bike to reach the Pole. Her incredible efforts are a great example of willpower.' Helen's latest adventure follows her successful high-wire walk between the chimneys of Battersea Power Station, in London, and a solo kayak voyage down the length of the Amazon in previous years.

A newspaper columnist has called for pickets at Chris Addison's shows – and for the audience to heckle him 'without mercy' – for his role in the Direct Line adverts. Blimey. I know they're a bit crap but that's taking things too far, surely? Writing in the Independent - now why doesn't that surprise me? - 'financial journalist' (ie. somebody who doesn't have a real job) Simon English takes issue with 'the annoying insurance salesman who likes to dabble with jokes in his spare time.' This, after Direct Line (part of taxpayer-owned Royal Bank of Scotland) was fined £2.2million for forging documents. English argued: 'There's a case for being told what [Addison] is paid by the bank and possibly demanding it back. At the very least, his gigs must be heckled without mercy. He's playing Milton Keynes next week. We should picket it. See if he's really got a sense of humour.’ Well, you clearly haven't, mate. Okay Simon, you go first and we'll all follow behind. You big-gobbed tosser. 'Financial journalist', I ask you ...

Former Bad Girls actress Victoria Alcock will join the cast of EastEnders. The actress will arrive in Albert Square next month as Lorraine Salter; the estranged mother of troublesome Mandy (Nicola Stapleton). Lorraine will return to Walford after Lucy (Hetti Bywater) sends her a message after getting suspicious about Mandy. Lucy believes that Mandy is having an affair and sending money to someone so intervenes but soon realises her mistake. The character of Lorraine Salter originally appeared in EastEnders in the 1990s during Nicola Stapleton's original stint in the BBC soap. However, the character was then played by Linda Henry who is now better known to EastEnders fans as Shirley Carter. Linda Henry and Victoria Alcock both starred alongside each other in Bad Girls in which Nicola Stapleton also appeared. Alcock's other notable roles include the 2009 Doctor Who special Planet of the Dead, the 1990s drama The House of Eliott as well as appearances in The Bill, Casualty, Holby City, Coronation Street and Lovejoy. The actress also had a previous small role in EastEnders in 1992.

David Shukman was appointed the BBC's science editor last week, reportedly defeating a shortlist which included Susan Watts, Michael Mosley and Fergus Walsh. 'Understanding diversity in its widest sense. Demonstrating a commitment to improving diversity in the BBC,' are among the requirements spelled out in the job advertisement (together, rather pointlessly one would've thought, with 'the person will demonstrate a wide interest in science') but does picking the well-spoken utility reporter show the BBC is displaying such a commitment? Old Etonian Shukman's promotion boosts the number of public school-educated la-di-dah Gunner Grahams (see, for example, Stephanie Flanders, Mark Mardell, Slaphead Nick Robinson, John Simpson) among the specialist editors. Let's not even get into the fact that there's only one woman and all the editors are white. Although, one is sure that the Gruniad Morning Star will.

ITV has ordered a new high-profile Saturday night series from the character of Keith Lemon. In the six-part series Lemonade, Leigh Francis's creation will offer 'a twist' (ho-ho) on the Jim'll Fix It format by 'solving audience problems' and 'helping dreams come true' – as if John Barrowman doing that isn't bad enough already! Leigh will be 'aided by a different celebrity each week.' Dan Baldwin, managing director of programme makers Talkback said: 'Keith Lemon's Lemonaid will be a great opportunity for the British public to interact with Keith on a whole new level. We want to reflect the great "wish fulfillment" shows from yesteryear but add a very special twist of Lemon to ITV'st'living rooms of the lovely ITV viewers with me new telly show Lemonaid. Solving people's problems and making dreams come true making me look nice like Cheryl Cole like when she went out to t'troops. She's lovely innit? She not as fit as Kelly Brook though!' Well, it hard to argue with that, frankly. The forty five-minute episodes will begin in 'early spring' and follow the success of Celebrity Juice, which has run for six series on ITV2. It also builds on Lemon's 'agony aunt' role on ITV's daytime show This Morning.

The curiously orange sour faced drag Christine Bleakley has taken her bleeding heart story about how hurtful it is to be criticised to the Sun. May one wonder how much the greedy odious woman was paid for this 'exclusive' News International? This blogger did rather enjoy the comments of one reader, Petra, who noted: 'Can I just point out that the two "insults" you mention - "bland" and "rigid" - are not, in fact, insults but are OPINIONS provided by TV viewers. You know, those annoying "Little People" who pay Ms Bleakley's wages. May I also suggest that if she doesn't like having her performances commented upon then she might want to consider a change of career to something less high profile. Maybe working in a shop.' By Hell, that's articulate for a Sun reader.

Bleakley, meanwhile, continues to appear as relative box office poison for pretty much everything she touches these days. On Sunday night, Twatting About on Ice sipped to an overnight audience of 7.1m and 5.9m for the results - its lowest of the current series and more than a million viewers down on the comparative episode from last year. Clearly viewers don't seem to like Ms Bleakley. I wonder why that is? Oh yes, by and large people have a rather low tolerance threshold for greed. Meanwhile over on the BBC, Call The Midwife was pulling in a truly astounding audience of 8.6m (with a peak of 9.2m), almost seven hundred thousand up on its first episode last week. Possibly this is down to word-of-mouth, maybe to the first appearance of Miranda Hart, but whatever the reason they've got another massive drama hit on their hands. Terrific. I must admit, from the half of the first episode and fifteen minutes of the second that this blogger caught, it's not really a programme that I'd go out of my way to watch. Then again, it's probably not been made with me in mind, per se (I don't have a functioning uterus, for a kick-off). But, I wholly celebrate its popularity as I always do when a drama proves more popular than crass, banal, pro-celebrity talent show nonsense like ITV seem to insist on filling up their schedules with. Even better news was that the opening episode of Birdsong had an audience of six million across the ninety minutes between 9pm and 10:30. Earlier, Wild at Heart drew 6.37m - over eight hundred thousand down on the series debut two weeks ago.

And, speaking of ratings, here's an interesting list:-
The official Top Forty Programmes of 2011 (excluding multiple entries, includes simulcasts)
01 13.95m - The Royal Wedding (29/04) - BBC1/HD/BBC NEWS
02 13.46m - The X Factor (11/12) - ITV/HD
03 13.39m - Strictly Come Dancing (17/12) - BBC1/HD/3D
04 12.63m - Britain's Got Talent (04/06) - ITV/HD
05 12.56m - Coronation Street (14/02) - ITV/HD
06 12.47m - I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here! (13/11) - ITV/HD
07 12.15m - Downton Abbey (06/11) - ITV/HD
08 11.42m - EastEnders (03/01) - BBC1/HD
09 10.77m - Doctor Who (25/12) - BBC1/HD
10 10.76m - BBC News (29/04) - BBC1/HD
11 10.67m - New Year Live (31/12) - BBC1/HD
12 10.31m - Doc Martin (19/09) - ITV/HD
13 10.26m - Comic Relief (18/03) - BBC1/HD
14 10.26m - Children In Need (18/11) - BBC1/HD
15 10.24m - The Apprentice (17/07) - BBC1/HD
16 10.23m - Dancing On Ice (09/01) - ITV/HD
17 9.87m - New Tricks (15/08) - BBC1/HD
18 9.73m - Frozen Planet (02/11) - BBC1/HD
19 9.68m - The Eurovision Song Contest (14/05) - BBC1
20 9.52m - Emmerdale (13/01) - ITV/HD
21 9.11m - Scott & Bailey (29/05) - ITV/HD
22 9.07m - Absolutely Fabulous (25/12) - BBC1/HD
23 8.80m - Big Fat Gypsy Weddings (08/02) - C4/HD
24 8.80m - Come Fly With Me (01/01) - BBC1/HD
25 8.69m - Wild At Heart (09/01) - ITV/HD
26 8.50m - Silent Witness (17/01) - BBC1/HD
27 8.47m - Outnumbered (24/12) - BBC1/HD
28 8.39m - Merlin (17/12) - BBC1/HD
29 8.35m - The Royal Bodyguard (26/12) - BBC1/HD
30 8.31m - UEFA Champions League (28/05) - ITV/HD
31 8.25m - Countryfile (30/10) - BBC1/HD
32 8.24m - Mrs Brown's Boys (26/12) - BBC1/HD
33 8.22m - Benidorm (25/02) - ITV/HD
34 8.10m - Midsommer Murders (02/02) - ITV/HD
35 8.09m - Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow (25/12) - BBC1/HD
36 7.98m - Lets Dance For Comic Relief (19/02) - BBC1/HD
37 7.91m - Film: Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (01/01) - BBC1/HD
38 7.70m - South Riding (20/02) - BBC1/HD
39 7.68m - Lark Rise To Candleford (09/01) - BBC1/HD
40 7.65m - The Jury (7/11) - ITV/HD

Simon Cowell - just a few days after confessing to being 'humbled' after his own 'arrogance' led to his formats taking a plunge in the ratings - has blamed bad contestants for ratings dips in his reality shows, claiming that record-breaking viewing numbers will return in 'a heartbeat' if they can find the right talent. Cowell will be back as a full-time judge for the 2012 series of Britain's Got Talent. Speaking to the Digital Spy website Cowell insisted that the British public hadn't fallen out of love with his talent series. 'You know what, I think if you get great contestants everyone comes back. It's all about talent. I mean that great year we had with Susan Boyle and Diversity, I think if you had that same line-up, you'd get that twenty million back in a heartbeat.'

Other TV professionals have been disappointingly slow to respond to the gauntlet thrown down by Sky's odious Kay Burley and her raunchy novel First Ladies last year. But, according to the Gruniad, at last a challenger has emerged in the unlikely form of Newsnight's Paul Mason. Mason's just-published debut novel Rare Earth ('a washed up TV reporter stumbles on a corruption scandal in China') has moments that leave the Sky News anchor looking somewhat prim and school ma'amish, including a scene distinctively fusing economics and erotica. In it, a character called Khunbish explains a business deal while he and his lover, Chun-li, try out 'tantric position one hundred and three' – she mounts a stuffed horse while he clings head-down to its side. Blimey. 'He began thrusting wildly in the general direction of her chrysanthemum but missing, his paunchy frame shuddering with the effort of remaining rigid and upside down. "The cartel, sells, to the global market," he panted. "The price is inflated because production has been capped!" She began to pant in unison with him. "Cartel evades export controls. Market capitalisation of western miners stays low. Massive, one-way, bet..." He switched to some ancient steppe language as he ejaculated, blubbering and incoherent. Chun-li faked an orgasm, keeping her mind focused on an Eighth-Century lyric of sadness.' As the Gruniad notes: 'Let's hope Jeremy Paxman is in too good a mood to tease him.'

A round on BBC1's daytime quiz Pointless last week revolved around famous comedy double acts. One contestant apparently thought that David Mitchell's double act partner was 'Howard Webb.' Then, the next said that Stephen Fry's was 'Hugh Lloyd.' Nearly, guys, nearly.

The BBC is to broadcast a three-part documentary looking back at the life and achievements of our own dear Queen. In The Diamond Queen, Andrew Marr looks back over Her Maj's sixty year reign and hears from other members of the Royal family about one of the longest serving monarchs in history. Do the BBC still go in for licking royalty's collective ring? I know it's tradition but, now we've reach the twenty first century I thought they might have left that sort of thing to various lice at the Daily Scum Express instead. The Diamond Jubilee celebrations take place in June with many crushed victims of society up and down the country expected to take part in street parties or other events. Yes, punters, we know you've barely got enough money to eat but, hey, a very rich old lady had been doing her job for sixty years so let's have a party. With bunting and everything. Britain, at times you sicken me. BBC1 controller Danny Cohen confirmed last week that the jubilee events will be taking centre stage on the channel, along with the London Olympics. The film looks closely at the influence of The Queen's grandfather, father and mother, the impact of the abdication, and the unique relationship between the Head of State and her Government. The Queen has seen twelve Prime Ministers in her reign and Marr looks at the special relationships she has had with them, hearing from David Cameron, Tony Blair and John Major. The Duke of Cambridge, Prince Harry and The Princess Royal are expected to feature in the documentary which is due to be broadcast in February.

It was left to Channel Four controller of film and drama Tessa Ross to put David Cameron's comments about the future of the British film industry into context at the policy review panel launch. The prime minister, you may remember, declared the previous week that the sector should 'chase new markets both here and overseas' and 'make commercially successful pictures that rival the best international productions.' Ross, a member of the film review's eight-strong panel, warned against the consequences of working slavishly to the market. Film4's eight Oscar-winning Slumdog Millionaire, she said, was a 'wonderful example of something that happened because we weren't working to the market. The market would have said don't make that film.'

'Who is Kim Kardashian and why is she famous?' asks odious lard-bucket and numskull Richard Littlejohn in the Daily Scum Mail, top of his list of questions 'for which there is no sensible explanation.' Clearly he is not a reader of the Scum Mail Online, which at the last count has written about America 'personalty' Kardashian over one thousand four hundred times.

Two Dutch journalists are to stand trial in Germany on a charge of breaching the country's privacy laws. They secretly filmed an interview with a former Dutch Nazi and member of the SS, Heinrich Boere, while he was staying at a nursing home in the German town of Eschweiler. Jan Ponsen and Jelle Visser, who were working for the Dutch TV current affairs programme Een Vandaag, carried out the interview in 2009. Boere's lawyer had previously cancelled an interview appointment with the men once it became known that Boere was to stand trial in Germany for crimes committed during the second world war. A member of an SS commando unit tasked with killing suspected resistance members or supporters, he later confessed to three murders. He was sentenced to life imprisonment in March 2010. Boere first filed a complaint in 2010 with the Netherlands press council. It ruled in favour of the reporters, saying they had not behaved dishonourably. If convicted at their trial, due to start on 9 February, the two reporters face a possible three-year jail sentence.

And speaking of people facing possible jail sentences, Stottingtot Hotshots' manager Harry Redknapp is in court to face accusations of tax evasion relating to his time in charge of Portsmouth. Redknapp and former Portsmouth chairman Milan Mandaric are charged with cheating the public revenue. The case centres on payments totalling one hundred and eighty thousand quid allegedly made by Mandaric, now chairman of Sheffield Wednesday, to Redknapp. The Southwark Crown Court trial is expected to last two weeks. Redknapp took his place in the dock, a host of relatives, including his son Jamie, a former footballer turned pundit, looked on from the public gallery as proceedings began.

One sincerely hopes that the next time Redknapp chooses to make trouble by discussing what he claims to be the exit clauses in a contract of another club's player - as he recently did, brazenly, with regard to Newcastle's Demba Ba - that he's not managing Wormwood Scrubs. Because that would be awful.

A new scientific study has discovered that the female G-spot may not actually exist. Researchers found 'no conclusive evidence' for its existence after reviewing one hundred studies from the past sixty years, the Torygraph reports, rather disappointedly. They claimed that the concept of the G-spot, said to be a small area of the female body with a large number of nerve endings, is popular due to pornography and sex therapists. 'Objective measures have failed to provide strong and consistent evidence for the existence of an anatomical site that could be related to the famed G-spot,' lead researcher Dr Amichai Kilchevsky from the Yale-New Haven Hospital in Connecticut said. 'Lots of women feel almost as though it is their fault they can't find it. The reality is that it is probably not something, historically or evolutionarily, that should even exist.' The findings, which were published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine (a publication this blogger feels he ought to have on subscription, frankly) support a survey of eighteen hundred women by King's College London which concluded there was no evidence that the G-spot existed. Unless they were all faking it, of course. The G-spot was named after Ernst Grafenberg, a German gynaecologist who claimed to have discovered it back in 1950.

For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day here's a crackin' Twenty First Century corker from Art Brut.

Week Five: Whatever Happened To The Life That We Once Knew?

2012-01-22T16:21:00.001Z

Sherlock's executive producer Sue Vertue has dismissed suggestions attributed to her husband Steven Moffat that the massively popular BBC drama will return in 2012 (although whether he actually said that is now the subject of considerable debate). The showrunner was supposed to have said in an interview with the Gruniad Morning Star on Friday that a third series of the BBC drama - which concluded last Sunday - could be broadcast as early as late this year. Moffat also claimed that scenes showing how Sherlock (Benedict Cumberbatch) survived his rooftop plummet in series two finale The Reichenbach Fall had already been filmed. In response to the comments, Vertue took to Twitter and clarified that a late 2012 Sherlock return is unlikely. 'Sorry to be a killjoy but Steven didn't actually mean series three of Sherlock would [transmit] before end-of-year,' she wrote. 'I think that is sadly unlikely.' Moffat has, however, said that fans will not have to wait 'that long' for the next series of Sherlock. Vertue also described the proposed US Sherlock Holmes series Elementary as 'extremely worrying.' Elementary - which like the recently-concluded BBC series is a modern take on the Victorian detective - was picked up by CBS on Tuesday. The announcement prompted Vertue to say: 'Interesting CBS, I'm surprised no one has thought of making a modern day version of Sherlock before. Oh hang on, we have!' Vertue further stated that although bosses from the US network have 'made great assurances' that the shows will not overlap, she remains wary of the project. 'We understand that CBS are doing their own version of an updated Sherlock Holmes,' she told the Independent. 'It's interesting, as they approached us a while back about remaking our show. At the time, they made great assurances about their integrity, so we have to assume that their modernised Sherlock Holmes doesn't resemble ours in any way, as that would be extremely worrying. We are very proud of our show and like any proud parent, will protect the interest and well being of our offspring.' Whilst there appears to be some sort of understanding between the Sherlock and Elementary teams at present, legal experts have warned that a copyright claim could occur if the new series infringes on the former's distinctive style. 'The concept of a new Sherlock Holmes is unprotectable,' copyright specialist Margaret Tofalides notes. 'But if the unusual elements of the BBC series - the modern settings, characters, clothes, plots and distinctive visual style - were closely reproduced in the CBS version, that could form the basis of a potential copyright claim.'

The flat that is the shooting location for Sherlock, can now be yours to rent if you can spare three hundred and thirty quid a week. Which, actually, isn't bad for central London. The one-bedroom flat, situated on Gower Street, just off Tottenham Court Road, above a cafe called Speedy's, has been watched by ten million viewers a week on the show as Sherlock and John Watson use its black door in the Victorian terrace. That and the cafe's red awning have made the location a distinctive tourist hotspot. On screen, Sherlock's lodgings - 221B Baker Street - are filled with dusty books, a chemistry set and of course his violin. However, the interior shots were filmed in a studio in Cardiff and the real flat is furnished rather more sparingly. But that has not stopped people from flocking to view it. 'We have seen a higher number of people look around this property than normal. A lot are keen to have their own little piece of Sherlock,' the Daily Scum Express quoted Ali Pishgou, from estate agents McHugh and Co, as saying. 'Some are surprised that it isn't actually on Baker Street and looks completely different inside,' he said. That's because they're stupid. The exterior of Speedy's cafe has featured in a number of storylines, and is attracting visitors from the US, Japan and Australia who flock to have their picture taken outside. All this is good news for the owner Chris Georgiou, who says that business has been given a boost as a result. 'We get about ten to fifteen extra customers a day. It's fantastic to be part of something as exciting as Sherlock,' he said.

Saturday overnight ratings: First the important stuff - six hundred and sixteen thousand and four hundred and seventy eight thousand for the two episodes of Borgen. respectively. Almost exactly the same as last week's figures. Right, that's the best programme of the night out of the way, as far as everything else was concerned it was, again, BBC1 leading the way with 5.7m for Casualty (which is really doing rather well since its recently relocation from Bristol to Cardiff), 5.8m for Who Dares Wins, 4.4 for Match of the Day, and four million a-piece for The Magicians and Winter Wipeout. Steady. Unspectacular. But decent enough (although The Magicians is a bit of the low side, I think the BBC will have expected more from that particular format). Nevertheless, it's a right hard toe in the knackers for ITV who could only manage a high of 4.8m for risible odious Take Me Out. For all the publicity generated by the Paddy McGuinness-fronted dating show's various tabloid prostitute dramas, it's still being spanked, weekly, by of all things, the National Lottery show, Who Dares Wins. Time for a rethink, ITV?

Saturday 28 January
A far-left political party alleges it is being illegally monitored by the government's security services in the latest episode of Borgen, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil - 9:00, BBC4. But as Birgitte tries to get to the bottom of the case, she discovers Minister of Justice Troels Hoxenhaven has very different ideas on how to handle the accusations. The prime minister also finds herself struggling to keep her family happy, while Katrine faces a difficult decision. That's immediately followed by episode eight, The Silly Seaon. An uneventful summer in the Danish parliament is disrupted when former prime ministerial contender Michael Laugesen releases a tell-all book about his life in politics, and spin-doctor Kasper discovers he cannot run from his past. Meanwhile, Birgitte tries to win favour with her family by spontaneously organising a holiday. Stunning Danish political drama series - quite possibly the best thing on TV in the world at the moment now that Sherlock's finished - starring Sidse Babett Knudsen, Birgitte Hjort Sorensen, Pilou Asbaek, Mikael Birkkjaer and Lars Knutzon.

Another set of contestants, including a bollard salesman, a farmer and a comedian, tackles the seasonal obstacle course in Winter Wipeout - 5:35 BBC1. Because, let's face it, there genuinely is nothing funnier in life than seeing a bunch of over-confident people getting dumped in the sludge with a custard pie in their face. Richard Hammond provides commentary as the intrepid adventurers try to manoeuvre past Granny's House, with the fastest competitors progressing through to the Ski Lift and Winter Blunderland before taking on the perilous Winter Wipeout Zone.

Amanda Byrom stands around and laughs a lot without making any great point.

Sunday 29 January
Tony Robinson and the team descend on Bitterley, Shropshire, where local headmistress June Buckhard has been leading an exploration of a field, which locals believe used to be the site of houses and streets in the latest episode of Time Team - 6:00 Channel Four. The villagers begin to excavate test pits in their own gardens to help the professionals, but it is three days before their answer is revealed.

To the sound of much tutting from the hippie Communist lice at the Gruniad Morning Star and the jackbooted bully boy numskull thugs at the Daily Scum Mail with their vaguely sinister agendas, Top Gear is back - 8:00 BBC2. Let their be rejoicing throughout the land. Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May put three supercars through their paces in Italy. Their weapons of choice are the 691bhp Lamborghini Aventador, McLaren's hi-tech MP4-12C, and a British brute in the form of the Noble M600.

The journey begins at Nardo, a high-speed testing ground so vast it can be seen from space, and includes a nerve-racking drive in Rome before reaching its conclusion with a timed challenge against The Stig at the Imola circuit. The trio also look forward to some of 2012's most exciting cars and are joined by a celebrity guest who takes the wheel of the Reasonably Priced Car. Place your bets now as to how long it will be before some professional offence-taker manages to find something in the episode to whinge about, loudly, to anyone that will listen (and, indeed, anyone that doesn't want to).

In the second of the two-part Birdsong - 9:00 BBC1 - as Stephen recovers from his injuries, he continues to be haunted by memories of his affair with Isabelle - and while he and his men prepare for a major offensive at the Somme, he unexpectedly meets his former lover again. However, she is unable to explain why she left him, throwing him into a state of turmoil before the battle. Eddie Redmayne and Clemence Poesy star in the conclusion of the drama based on Sebastian Faulks' novel, with Joseph Mawle, Richard Madden and Matthew Goode. Adapted by BAFTA-winning writer Abi Morgan.

Or there's Twatting About On Ice - 7:00 ITV - if you feel that life has nothing more worthwhile to offer.

Monday 30 January
Thank Christ for that, it's the final episode of the wretched Royal Bodyguard - 9:00 BBC1. Seldom has a TV show begun in such a blaze of expectant publicity and then dissipated like a fart in a spacesuit. Its only memorable feature being the lingering rank smell of unqualified failure around it. Hubble is put in charge of security when the princess attends a friend's hen party, but his attempts to play chaperone end in disaster when he loses the young royal amid a gaggle of excited drunken women. To add to the security chief's problems, there follows a mysterious attack - and he ends up with his own personal bodyguard. Comedy - it says here - starring David Jason.

DI Joseph Chandler and DS Ray Miles return to investigate the deaths of four people who were slaughtered at a tailor's fortified workshop, a gruesome and seemingly impossible crime that has left London's East End gripped with fear in the third series of Whitechapel - 9:00 ITV. The first series was excellent, the second really not all that good at all so, hopefully, this will be a return to form. Edward Buchan joins the detectives once again, hoping his historical expertise will help them solve the grisly case. Thriller, starring Rupert Penry-Jones, Phil Davis and Steve Pemberton.

Coppers - 9:00 Channel Four - follows Tayside police's newest recruits as they hit the streets for the first time, witnessing their first arrest, drugs raid and sudden death. Unlike most English forces, the rozzers in Bonny Scotland are still recruiting, but life on the front line proves to be a world away from the classrooms the new officers are used to at the Scottish Police College.

Jeremy Paxman asks the questions in tonight's University Challenge - 8:00 BBC2 - or rather he growls angrily at a bunch of terrified students who wither, visibly, in his presence. Teams from the universities of Manchester and Newcastle compete in a quarter-final match. The contest represents the last chance for both to remain in the competition, as teams need to win two matches in this round to progress to the semi-finals.

Tuesday 31 January
In the first of a new drama series, Prisoners' Wives - 9:00 BBC1 - a man is arrested on suspicion of murder, and his wife's belief in his innocence turns to doubt because he has no alibi, leading to a shocking confession when she confronts him in prison. But as she agonises over standing by her man, she finds friendship with another woman whose husband is already serving time. Drama, starring Emma Rigby, Jonas Armstrong, Polly Walker, Pippa Haywood and Iain Glen.

One of the most thoroughly satisfying moments of the TV year so far was when the overnight ratings for the opening episode of The Exit List - 8:00 ITV - crawled in. Two million. Hardly worth bothering, really, was it? Still, never had a TV show been better named in terms of its chances of getting a second series. This game show, hosted by the thoroughly no-reason-to-be-anywhere-near-so-smug-as-he-appear Matt Allwright, based on an epic challenge in which a pair of contestants descend into a giant twenty six-room maze containing varying amounts of money - with only one room holding the coveted one hundred thousand mucho wonga. Standing in their way is a set of questions, and their answers are added to the Exit List, which the players must memorise to make their final escape with the winnings. Followed by the equally risible and equally tanking The Biggest Loser. The failure of these two wretched formats kind of restores your faith in the viewing public, doesn't it?

You can always bank on Channel Four's documentary film-makers to be first at the scene of any natural disaster, can't you? Terror At Sea: The Sinking of the Concordia - 8:00 - was, its seems, being put together before they'd even got the last of the bodies of the victims off the ship. An investigation into the capsizing of cruise ship the Costa Concordia off the west coast of Italy on 13 January, discovering why modern maritime technology failed to prevent the disaster. The film uses computer graphics to reconstruct the events that led to the tragedy, and features interviews with survivors, rescuers and experts. The programme also details accusations that flaws in the design of some modern cruise ships has made them vulnerable to this sort of event.

Entrepreneur Alex Polizzi wages a self-appointed one-woman campaign to save family firms struggling in the current financial climate in Alex Polizzi: The Fixer - 8:00 BBC2. She begins with a bridal wear business in Kettering, run by a mother and her two squabbling daughters. Owner Anne Preece has remortgaged her house to keep the shop afloat, but profits are still falling, the premises are tired, dated and overstocked, and the constant arguing doesn't help. Alex has her work cut out turning around the business's fortunes and getting the women to re-evaluate their personal feelings.

Wednesday 1 February
John Torode and Gregg Wallace give the previous week's losing contestants a chance to redeem themselves, challenging the five of them to cook lunch for three hundred and fifty factory workers in the latest episode of yer actual MasterChef - 9:00 BBC1. They have twenty minutes to design their menu and just two-and-a-half hours to cook more than one hundred portions each of two meat dishes, as well as a substantial vegetarian option. The remaining chefs then return to the MasterChef kitchen and try to prove their skills as individuals.

Tonight's Natural World film, Tiger Dynasty - 8:00 BBC2 - is a documentary following Baghani, a tigress chosen to breed in the wild. She is airlifted from her home in an Indian park to a new reserve where she encounters Rajore, a male who has also recently been released. The pair are filmed over two years, as they fight leopards for territory and learn to hunt boar, while trying to avoid being killed by poachers.

When Bentham DeQuetteville falls to his death from a roof after seeing a headless horseman, the members of his aristocratic family seem more concerned about their forthcoming Civil War re-enactment than the incident in the latest episode of Midsomer Murders - 8:00 ITV. As Barnaby and Jones try to discover the truth behind the ghostly figure, their investigation uncovers shocking secrets about the DeQuettevilles. Drama, starring Neil Dudgeon and Jason Hughes, with James Callis, William Gaunt and Raquel Cassidy.

Thursday 2 February
The friends try to repair the damage they have unwittingly done when they are confronted by a ruthless villain, forcing them into a race to find the remaining money in the third episode of Mad Dogs second series - 9:00 Sky1. When it seems all hope is lost, Woody remembers Alvo mentioning a stash of hidden cash before he died, leading the boys to interrupt a wedding. Psychological thriller, starring Max Beesley, Philip Glenister, John Simm and Marc Warren.

Cash depot manager John Coniston faces his worst fear when armed robbers attack, holding his family hostage while they force him to open the safe at gunpoint in another new drama, Inside Men - BBC1 9:00. As the tension reaches cliche levels, the action moves back nine months, revealing Coniston to be a responsible married man, proud of his untarnished work record. But when he discovers fifty thousand quid has gone missing, there begins a search for the truth that ends with him thinking up a sudden, unexpected idea. Drama, starring Ashley Walters and Steven Mackintosh and Warren Brown from Luther.

It also features one of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's favourite actresses, the brilliant Nicola Walker (Touching Evil, Chalk, Torn and, most memorably, [spooks]). So, that'll make it worth watching even if the rest of it's rubbish. I've a feeling it's not going to be, though. The trailers looks really rather good. Crazy Ruth Gemmill from Waking The Dead's in it as well. Even better.

Winter Road Rescue - 9:00 Channel Five - is the first of two documentaries following snowplough teams and RAC patrols in Scotland and the north of England, working to ensure the roads are clear when the winter weather hits. In the fishing village of Applecross, the snowplough drivers' main priority is keeping open the single-track road that connects the locals to the outside world, while another ploughing team sets out on a routine gritting mission - only to grind to a halt in three feet of snow. In Northumberland, an RAC patrolman rescues a woman and her elderly mother who are stranded on an isolated moor - only to get stuck himself.

Scientists and researchers analyse discoveries about asteroids, and explain why studies suggest smaller rocks could pose a threat as they head toward Earth in Horizon: Asteroids - The Good, the Bad and the Ugly - 8:00 BBC4. The experts explain the photon propulsion that powers the asteroids on their journey across space, and why some of these travellers carry a cargo of frost and ice that could have helped to start life on the planet.

Friday 3 February
The second part of How the Brits Rocked America: Go West - 9:00 BBC4 - looks at how British bands thrived amid the culture of excess that began to dominate rock music in the 1970s. The programme examines how Cream broke into the American market during the late 1960s, before Dead Zeppelin achieved even greater success at the start of the 1970s, fundamentally altering the sound of rock as a result. And, not necessarily for the better. The programme also recalls the 1974 California Jam, where acts including Black Sabbath, Deep Purple and Emerson, Lake and Palmer played to an estimated crowd of one million people, and charts the rise of arena rock concerts during the decade. With contributions by Jimmy Page, Jack Bruce, Paul McCartney, Tony Iommi, John Lord, Bill Bruford, Rick Wakeman and Jeff Lynne.

The grifters' friend Carol suffers a heart attack, and they discover she has been the victim of a sham diet plan run by American fraudsters Dean and Dana Deville in Hustle - 9:00 BBc1. Mickey decides to give the couple a taste of their own medicine, convincing them he has a miraculous diet pill to sell - and the gullible duo think they are onto a winner when Ash, at first wearing a fat suit, begins to speedily lose weight. John Barrowman, Raquel Cassidy and Jodie Prenger guest star, with Adrian Lester and Robert Glenister.

A murder inquiry is launched when the police are alerted to shocking Internet footage showing a teenage girl being attacked and shot in the latest episode of Law & Order: UK - 9:00 ITV. The investigation is hindered by the lack of a body, but the video provides enough clues to eventually put a name to the victim and track down her killers. However, a vow of silence between the defendants means Jake and Alesha face one of their toughest court battles yet. Very consistent drama starring Bradley Walsh, Harriet Walter, Freema Agyeman and Peter Davison.

Cutty Sark: National Treasure - 9:00 BBC4 - is a documentary following the restoration of the clipper ship after she was ravaged by fire in May 2007, offering an insight into the pioneering techniques and traditional skills used by conservationists to preserve her authenticity. The programme also charts the vessel's globe-trotting adventures from her launch in 1869. Featuring interviews with the people responsible for the Cutty Sark's rebirth, including the Duke of Edinburgh.

And so to the news: After this week's historic settlement with thirty seven phone-hacking victims, News International is in the middle of a bruising second round with a further batch of celebrities – including Charlotte Church, Steve Coogan and Pete Doherty – who are suing for damages. But few of the twenty three remaining cases are expected to get to court, according to the Gruniad Morning Star because of a conflict with potential criminal cases which may emanate from the scandal that engulfed the disgraceful Scum of the World. When the extent of phone-hacking was first revealed in 2009, civil action was the only course of redress for victims, because of the lack of police action and the fact that News International was defending its position, lawyers 'familiar with the case' snitched to the Gruniad like a dirty rotten Copper's Nark. But it was accepted at the high court during the settlement hearing that this is no longer the case. After more than twenty arrests over phone-hacking, computer-hacking and bribery and corruption, there is a likelihood of criminal charges later this year. There is also a view – aired in discussion in court on Thursday – that Lord Justice Leveson's inquiry into press ethics is now the best place to review all the cases. He has powers to see police evidence not seen by the civil litigants and is scheduled to hold a second inquiry into phone hacking once all the court cases are over. Currently, Mr Justice Vos, who presided over the settlement hearing on Thursday, is scheduled to hear a series of test civil cases on 13 February. Ten cases are 'ready, willing and able' to be heard on that date, Hugh Tomlinson, QC for the civil claimants, told the judge. These are cases being taken by Church, Coogan, Doherty along with the football agent Sky Andrew, Simon Hughes MP, Tracey Temple (the former mistress of Lord Prescott), jockey Kieren Fallon, Samantha Wallin (who allegedly had a child by Fallon) and Sally King (a friend of David Blunkett). The tenth victim is Laura Rooney, whose phone was allegedly hacked merely because she had the same surname as the famous footballer, Wayne. Coogan has already gone on record to say he is determined to 'have his day in court' and has said that he is one of the few rich enough to go to court and risk losing. One of the issues for any litigant is that the witness list will be limited because of the potential conflict with criminal trials. Evidence supplied by the police may also be restricted for the same reason. Of the twenty three cases, eight – including those brought by former spin doctor Alastair Campbell, footballer Paul Gascoigne and his friend Jimmy Five-Bellies Gardner – are in negotiation and are expected to be settled. Another five cases are unable to be heard on 13 February for technical reasons. These relate to Elle Macpherson's former adviser Mary Ellen Field, Ryan Giggs, Princess Diana's former butler Paul Burrell, Jacqui Hames, a police officer and presenter on Crimewatch and her husband David Cook, and Nicola Phillips, a former assistant to PR Max Clifford. Vos, who has been handling all the phone-hacking cases, was planning to hear five test cases in February which would then help establish a tariff of damages. By assessing damage and distress caused to different categories of litigants – victims of crime, celebrities, sports people – he would be providing a precedent for up to eight hundred potential victims who the police have identified (to date) as having being hacked or likely to have been hacked by the private investigator working for the Scum of the World. Among those originally scheduled as a so-called 'lead case' was Sheila Henry, mother of 7/7 victim Christian Small. Police are understood to have told Henry that her son's phone was targeted by the Scum of the World's private investigator Glenn Mulcaire after the July bombings in 2005. It is understood that she had left messages trying to find out her son's location on that day, when fifty two people died. She is one of those believed to be negotiating a settlement with News International.

Former Scum of the World editor Andy Coulson has put his house up for sale, reports Guido Fawkes in a fantastically - though, very amusingly - spiteful piece on his blog. The estate agent's asking price for the five-bedroomed Victorian detached house in south London is one million six hundred and fifty smackers. On 21 December, Coulson lost his high court bid to force News Group Newspapers to pay his potential legal costs over the phone-hacking affair. The judge also ordered Coulson to pay NGN's costs and refused him permission to appeal. Later that day, Fawkes revealed that Coulson was going to have to take his kids out of private school and would have to sell the family home. Coulson resigned as David Cameron's director of communications in January last year and is not thought to have worked since. He was arrested and bailed on 8 July by the Metropolitan police in connection with conspiracy to unlawfully intercept communications and payments to police officers. He has consistently denied allegations of criminal wrongdoing. Coulson recently attended the funeral for Daily Mirra columnist Sue Carroll and was also a guest at a party to celebrate the release of the movie WE, Madonna's dire film about Edward VIII and Wallis Simpson. According to Daily Torygraph diarist Tim Walker, another former Scum of the World editor, well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Rebekah Brooks, also attended both of these events. Coulson and Brooks are said by Walker not to have spoken. As the subjects of a criminal investigation, it might be thought ill-advised for them to communicate. Brooks resigned as News International's chief executive in July last year and was arrested three days later by police investigating allegations of phone-hacking and allegations that police officers were bribed by journalists. Brooks and Coulson used to be close friends. When Brooks was briefly detained by police in November 2005 after a domestic dispute with her then husband, Ross Kemp, it was reportedly Coulson who turned up to offer assistance at the police station.

Christine Bleakley and Frank Lampard are reportedly planning a move to Los Angeles. Don't let us stop you. Mind you, this is all according to the Scum Mail on Sunday so, sadly, it's probably a load of bollocks. Tragedy. According to the newspaper the couple, who got engaged in June last year, could relocate to California if Lampard - as expected - gets his arse kicked out of Mosocw Chelski FC since they don't seem to rate him anymore and moves to LA Galaxy where all the old Galácticos who are past it go to die. Twatting About On Ice host Bleakley, meanwhile, is said to be 'confident' of finding presenting work in the US. Quite why she feels this when, as a nation, America has more than its own fair share of curiously orange, mouth-full-of-gobstopper, waste-of-space airheads is, at this time, unknown. But, Bleakley's not normally short of an atom bomb of insightful wit when answering such questions. No, sorry, that should read Bleakley is normally short of an atom bomb of insightful wit when answering such question. Good riddance to bad, greedy, rubbish. If you need a tenner for a taxi to the airport, guys, let this blog know, we'll organise a whip round.

And so to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. We'll stick with yer actual Be-Atles (popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) for the moment. And Joe Pytka's stunningly nostalgia-provoking video for 'Free As A Bird'.

Borgen: Carlsberg Don't Do Governments, But If They Did, This Would Probably ...

2012-01-22T00:05:00.004Z

'Your wife just beat the most powerful man in Denmark at poker.'

Over the course of the last two weeks, Borgen has picked up a small, but hugely dedicated, audience in the UK with its mixture of political intrigue, complex inter-relationship stories and sly wit. The impressive and accomplished Danish drama series about the fight for political power continued on Saturday with a further two excellent episodes on BBC4. The first, Men Who Love Women, was a beautifully Aaron Sorkin-style look at the personal sacrifices and consequences to be made by those involved on (and immediately behind) the political stage. With the support of her Minister of Trade and Industry, Henriette Klitgaard (cue use of the punning nickname 'The Klit' which, one imagines, some lice who read the Daily Scum Mail won't have been particularly impressed by) Birgitte Nyborg Christensen puts forth a proposal for gender quotas on Danish companies' boards of directors. The proposal - a manifesto commitment from the Moderate Party that they never, for a second, expected to have to put into place - meets with resistance both in and out of government. And the country's most powerful businessman gives Birgitte an ultimatum which could have serious consequences for pretty much everyone. Meanwhile, some parts of the media choose to focus on the very attractive and ambitious Minister's private life (and somewhat salacious past as a lingerie model), which turns out to be morally problematic for some in the coalition. While Katrine turns down at first an offer of help to take better care of herself from a hunk of a fitness trainer, Kasper - as usual - gets into a right old muddle with the ladies. 'It's ten thirty, Kasper, you should get a life!' It's nice to see from this episode that Denmark has its own memorably hypocritical and dodgy media barons who use their newspapers to push a specific political agenda with no sign of a moral compass in the vicinity. So, they are just like the rest of us after all, it would seem. That's, actually, a relief! A clever mixture of power politics, realpolitik and sexual politics ('the staff meetings are starting to resemble a Stag party' Katrine says at one point about TV1's debate on how they should cover the issue - 'girl power' or 'fighting talk'. 'For me, it's Hen parties! replies Kasper wearily), keen observations on the civil service ('they always oppose the status quo') and not passing up a chance to annoy the Sisterhood (Kasper's brilliant little 'Come the revolution' rant about dreary old-style man-hater Pernille Madsen) this is a superb episode. Proper, mature, adult drama focusing on issues in a balanced and thoughtful way. It's, again, The West Wing, basically. Just Danish. There's excellent characterisations on display (like the continuing saga of Sanne, Birgitte's scatterbrain secretary. 'She's incompetent,' notes the Prime Minister casually as Sanne just about manages to leave the room without tripping over her own feet. 'Yes, but she's got a great arse,' replies Kasper with a charming smile, channeling Josh Lyman for all he's worth) and some marvellous comedy moments. When Philip confesses that, many years ago, after a particularly drunken Christmas party (and long before he met and married Birgitte) he and a then very young intern, Henriette, had a brief one night stand, Birgitte's pithy reply is 'go through a list of my ministers and let me know which ones you haven't slept with!' Well-acted (I particularly enjoyed the veteran Ulf Pilgaard as the Rupert Murdoch-like Joachim Chrone) and, with some further examples of the sinister machinations of the loathsome and odious Laugesen, the feminism storyline was also highly effective and rather realistic. Birgitte is shown to stand by Henriette while she is being mauled by the press over ancient lingerie shots and casual affairs – refusing to judge the minister by tabloid standards even when others (with their own - often sinister - agendas) urge her to do so. But, she shows herself to be totally ruthless and practical in the face of Klitgaard's little white lies on a CV. She's a career politician and she's getting very good at it. It was interesting, too, from a British perspective in so much as we tend to think of Scandinavians generally as having a far more equal society when it comes to things like gender in promotion and positions of power. The newsroom scenes and press reaction suggest Denmark, too, has a fair way to go. The introduction of Pernille, the - frankly jolly unlikeable - minister for gender, who hugs Birgitte in the we're-all-girls-in-this-together way after she's, basically, just demanded she get another woman's job - also added another dimension to the storyline. This was a feminism done with far more subtlety and sense of realism than most dramas could ever dream of managing. Even more West Wing-like, The State Visit saw Birgitte facing her first official state visit, as the - really vile - president of the former Soviet republic Turgisia (no, me neither) comes to take over the chairmanship of an international board. He also announces his intention to invest one billion euros in Danish wind turbine technology, which makes everybody happy. However, the simultaneous arrival of a renowned Turgisian poet and dissident (played by Scottish actor Michael Nardone) places Birgitte in the middle of a significant, escalating conflict - a crisis of conscience with the knowledge that the billion euros flooding into the Danish economy comes at a price. Like the Americans in 1945 when in desperate need of a space programme, do you do deals with people who have something you need a turn a blind eye to the fact that some of them are criminals? Birgitte also faces conflict at home as her father becomes an unwelcome house guest in the eyes of her husband. With its witty mixture of domestic squabbles, a gala performance of Swan Lake, Kasper's complicated love life (his run-ins with 'Mr Fitness' and then being told, blatantly, 'don't shit where you eat') and some really clever media-manipulation, this one was a cracker too. Albeit possibly not quite as involving as the first episode. Points of interest include one of the great lines of the series so far ('I mean no disrespect, Mr President, but international law prevents me from arresting a man without proof'). Notice, also, that although French and German 'news organisations' were discussed in general non-specific terms but when it came to yer actual British ones, just 'The BBC' was mentioned. A lesson to all Tory MPs, as far as most of the rest of the world is concerned, the BBC is the British media. Let us consider, too, the absolute mind-fuck of watching a Danish television programme reference the BBC whilst we're all watching it on the BBC. Oh, I think my brain's just melted. However, one minus point in the programme's depiciton of the British media: Who let that seemingly ex-Rodean journalist of the Gruniad Morning Star into the press conference? With her little banal question about nothing. Surely, she'd have been asking Birgitte and Grozin whether they thought Top Gear should be banned? It's been rather signposted that Philip and Birgitte's marriage is heading for troubled waters – and the combination of long hours, household chores not getting done and a visiting in-law almost brings things to a pressure cooker of a climax here. It was hard not to feel a bit for Philip as Birgitte dumps her (only mildly annoying ageing hippy) father on him at short notice. Which isn't to suggest the marital issues have been over played. In fact, quite the opposite: generally there's been a subtlety and warmth in the scenes involving the Christensen home, with Birgitte's late-night chat with her father filling in a few of the blanks about their back story. British character actor Nicholas Woodeson (dear blog readers will probably know him best from Rome, or as Graham in EastEnders, although he's been in loads of this blogger's favourite dramas including Waking the Dead, Foyle's War and Cracker) was terrific as the slimy President Grozin, the sort of chap you could easily imagine waking up one morning and, as his first action, deciding to have seventy dissidents shot before breakfast. Although, interestingly, his proud little speech telling Birgitte not to lecture his country on democracy when the Danes have had a hundred and sixty years of it and, therefore, plenty of practice, whilst the Turgisians, twenty years after the break-up of the Soviet Union, are relative novices, was the best bit of the episode. Apart, of course, from Birgitte's triumphant manoeuvre at the press conference. 'I really appreciate your answer to the last question. Because I'm not going to hand him over to you.' An ethical debate on freedom of speech and freedom of the press. A hard, cold, dispassionate look at the politics of compromise in making trade deals with scoundrels and oppressors (albeit, rich ones who want to buy your wind turbines) versus the politics of idealism about playing the game only up to the point where lives are at stake. It's like that memorable bit in one of Tony Benn's mid-1970s diaries when he describes chiding the then-Foreign secretary Jim Callahan for signing a trade deal for Swan Hunter's to build a warship for Pinochet's Chile and Callahan replies 'do you want to be the one to tell a thousand shipyard workers on Tyneside that they're going to be on the dole on Monday because you don't like who we're doing business with?' All this from a TV drama. That's the sort of entertainment you don't get on Midsomer Murders.

The Sherlock season two DVD set turned up on Saturday morning at yer actual Stately Telly Topping Manor from those lovely chaps and chapesses at Play. All three episodes, commentaries on A Scandal in Belgravia (featuring Steven, Mark, Sue, Benny and Lara Pulver) plus The Hounds of Baskerville (Steven, Mark, Sue and Russell Tovey) and a 'Making Of ...' documentary. Might've been nice to also have a commentary on The Reichenbach Falls but, hell, you can't have everything, can you? I mean, where would you keep it? And, meanwhile, there's another very good interview with the very Moffster himself in the Gruniad. I particularly enjoyed his description of Jane Clare Jones's frankly misanthropic review of A Scandal in Belgravia in the Gruniad as 'deeply offensive.' As with much else they print, frankly, Steven.

If you have four and a bit minutes to spare in your busy life, dear blog reader, then why not check out the many d'oh's of Homer Simpson. Because, sometimes, an annoyed grunt is all the world will let you make.

Bradley Walsh has been doing a lot of TV this week to promote the new series of Law & Order: UK. Well, he's very entertaining is old Brad; he was good on The ONE Show in midweek and was excellent on Soccer AM on Saturday talking about his infamous 'Fanny Schmeler' clip from The Cube.

Christine Bleakley has claimed that she ignores online criticism about her Twatting About On Ice role. Would that we could all ignore her.

A surgeon has reattached balding former TV magician Paul Daniels' finger after he cut it off with a saw on New Year's Day. Daniels, seventy three, lost his left index finger and the tip of his ring finger in an accident with a circular saw while building props for his act. He drove himself from his Berkshire home to hospital in Henley-on-Thames, where the index finger was reattached. He told BBC Radio 5Live: 'I've only lost the tip of one finger. It could have been a hell of a sight worse.' True. Not a lot, admittedly.

Residents of a remote Chinese town nicknamed Dog Shit Village have won a petition to legally change its name. Goushi Zhai, in the Guizhou province, earned the moniker when locals began referring to it as such because of its lack of accessibility, claiming that only dogs would go there to defecate. The Sun reports that police and local officials began using the name 'Dog Shit Village', which eventually began appearing on maps of the area. 'Gradually it became what everyone called us,' said a villager. Guizhou governors have since agreed to change the name to Jinxin, meaning prosperous and happy.

Today's Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day is another gem from The Be-Atles. (Popular beat combo from the North West, you might've heard of them.)

Someone Told Me It Was Over

2012-01-20T21:42:00.000Z

A high court judge said the Rupert Murdoch-owned company behind the disgraced and disgraceful Scum of the World had made 'an admission of sorts' that it engaged in a deliberate cover-up of evidence relating to phone-hacking. This, on the day that the publisher paid an estimated seven figures in damages to settle thirty seven phone-hacking claims brought by public figures ranging from Jude Law to John Prescott. Mr Justice Vos, the judge presiding over the hacking cases, told News Group Newspapers that he had seen evidence which 'raised compelling questions about whether you concealed, told lies, actively tried to get off scot free.' The judge ordered the company to search a number of computers which, he said, could contain evidence that its executives deliberately tried to destroy evidence of phone-hacking, saying that he had seen e-mails which showed a 'startling approach to the e-mail record of NGN.' He said that he had seen e-mails which appeared to show how, days after the actress Sienna Miller wrote to the company asking it to retain e-mails which might relate to hacking her phone, 'a previously conceived plan to conceal evidence was put in train by NGN managers.' The judge read out a section from the confidential court papers detailing the cover-up allegations made by hacking victims against the company's executives and directors. It included the charge that the company 'put out public statements that it knew to be false,' that it had 'deliberately deceived the police' and had destroyed evidence of wrongdoing including 'a very substantial number of e-mails' as well as computers. NGN refused to admit these allegations but did agree that damages paid to the victims could be assessed 'on the basis of the facts alleged.' Earlier, it emerged that while the company refused to admit its former directors and senior executives had presided over a cover-up, it agreed that 'aggravated damages' could be calculated 'as if' the allegations that they lied, obstructed police and destroyed evidence were true. The Murdoch subsidiary said that it had made the concessions solely for the purpose of 'the interest of the prompt and efficient determination' of the claims against it. Tamsin Allen, a lawyer at Bindmans, who acted for John Prescott and Labour MPs Chris Bryant and Denis MacShane, said that it was 'surprising' News Corporation had agreed to the admissions on this basis. 'You'd expect an organisation with the resources of the Murdoch empire to fight these sorts of allegations.' The actor Jude Law received the highest disclosed payout of one hundred and thirty thousand snots damages plus costs as payments totalling six hundred and forty thousand smackers were made in fifteen cases where the amounts were made public. Prescott received forty grand, Bryant received thirty big ones; Sadie Frost, Law's former wife, received fifty thousand smackers and Gavin Henson, the Welsh rugby international forty thousand knicker. However, with damages from the other settlements and costs factored in, lawyers estimated that News International's bill could hit ten million wonga. Law, whose former partner Miller had previously accepted a a hundred grand settlement from the Scum of the World publisher last year, said that he was 'truly appalled' and 'it is clear that I, along with many others, was kept under constant surveillance for a number of years.' He added: 'No aspect of my private life was safe from intrusion by News Group Newspapers, including the lives of my children and the people who work for me. It was not just that my phone messages were listened to: News Group also paid people to watch me and my house for days at a time and to follow me and those close to me.' Until a year ago, News Corporation had continued to maintain that any and all phone-hacking which may, or may not, have occurred was the work of a single 'rogue reporter', namely Clive Goodman, who was jailed in 2007 alongside private investigator Glenn Mulcaire, during inquiries held by both parliament and the Press Complaints Commission. That defence gradually unravelled and finally came to pieces in their hands like so much wet cardboard as a group of public figures – including Thursday's litigants – brought a series of civil actions against the newspaper, unearthing evidence indicating that the practice was more widespread. Mark Thomson, of law firm Atkins Thomson, said: 'After years of denials and cover-up, News Group Newspapers has finally admitted the depth and scale of the unlawful activities of many of their journalists at the News of the World and the culture of illegal conduct at their paper.' Phone-hacking dated back to at least 2002, when the Scum of the World targeted Prince Harry's friend Guy Pelly, and ran on until at least 2006 with targets such as 7/7 victim Paul Dadge and Sara Payne, whose daughter Sarah was murdered. At the heart of the hacking lay Mulcaire, who was employed by the newspaper on a one hundred thousand knicker-a-year contract, and who was a co-defendant in many of the civil actions. Mulcaire was allegedly asked by 'several' Scum of the World journalists to target public figures and victims of crime – and he also 'provided information that allowed a number of reporters to conduct hacking of their own,' according to the Gruniad Morning Star. Mulcaire's lawyer Gavin Millar, told the high court that he was 'not involved' in the admissions that led to the settlements and he was 'not a party to them.' Many of the settlements go back to the time when Andy Coulson, David Cameron's former communications director, edited the Scum of the World - between 2003 and his resignation in 2007, after the former royal reporter Goodman was jailed for hacking phones belonging to members of the Windsors' household. A smaller number include events dating back to the editorship of Rebekah Brooks, who was Coulson's immediate predecessor, and who subsequently became chief executive of News International before her resignation last summer in the wake of revelations about the hacking of a phone belonging to murdered schoolgirl Milly Dowler. Another victim was Christopher Shipman, son of the serial killer Harold Shipman, who was told by police that the Scum of the World had been privy to his e-mails in August 2004 – less than a year after his father's death. News Corporation said: 'NGN agreed settlements in respect of a number of claims against the company. NGN made no admission as part of these settlements that directors or senior employees knew about the wrongdoing by NGN or sought to conceal it. However, for the purpose of reaching these settlements only, NGN agreed that the damages to be paid to claimants should be assessed as if this was the case.' In court, as each of eighteen settlements were read out, Michael Silverleaf, QC for the company, said he was there to offer 'sincere apologies to the claimant for the damages as well as the distress caused' by the 'unlawful access of messages.'

As noted, NGN has been ordered to allow a search of computers alleged to contain evidence that Scum of the World executives deliberately destroyed damning phone-hacking evidence. During legal discussions on Thursday before a civil trial scheduled for 13 February, the company failed to convince Mr Justice Vos that the search of three laptops assigned to senior employees and six desktop computers was 'disproportionate.' Dinah Rose QC, for NGN, said the search was unnecessary because there had been 'no policy of deliberate destruction' at the paper. But Vos said that if he had 'acceded to [NGN] suggestions back in early 2011 that disclosure was not necessary because admissions had been made, the phone-hacking history might be very different.' He said the material that might be found on the three laptops belonging to an unidentified senior employee of NGN 'may well, on the evidence of the e-mails I have already been shown, contain documents or even e-mails which may bear on the policy of deletion. It seems to be a distinct possibility [that information on the laptops] could contain information relevant to the deliberate deletion of e-mail and go beyond just "colour" but indicate precisely what the deletion was taking place for, which may go far beyond scope of present admissions by NGN,' he said. 'I'm entirely satisfied that these laptops should be searched for purpose of relevant disclosure.' He said that there were 'compelling' questions about whether the paper had engaged in 'a campaign of deliberate destruction of evidence,' had lied, deliberately concealed evidence, made payments to police, or had 'actively tried to get off scot-free,' including by destroying a 'very substantial number of e-mails' and computers of journalists. 'The court has had an admission of sorts to the effect that NGN is content that aggravated damages should be paid on the basis of the somewhat startling admissions I have read out, but not that future claims should be assessed on that basis. I have been shown a number of e-mails which show a rather startling approach to the e-mail record of NGN,' he said. Three days after the solicitor for Sienna Miller had asked that NGN retained any e-mails in relation to phone-hacking, 'a previously conceived plan to conceal evidence was put in train by NGN managers.' Rose claimed that so much had been disclosed and admitted by NGN that it was 'disproportionate' to order the company to search the computers for further evidence. 'There comes a point when we say we're three weeks away from trial and we can say enough is enough.' Her claim was robustly rebutted by Judge Fudge who was havin' none of it, like. 'The day you can say "that's enough" is the day I give judgment – although you can't even say it then because of the number of other cases waiting in the wings.' Burn! That's put you right firmly in your place, lady. The trial, set to last three weeks, is intended to give guidance on damages for current and future lawsuits and out-of-court settlements in the five-year-old scandal. But nine out of ten of the claimants were still waiting for full disclosure from NGN, said their lawyer, Jeremy Reed. In the cases of three, including Tracey Temple, John Prescott's former lover, NGN had yet to even admit liability, he said. 'I want to submit that evidence of deliberate destruction is relevant,' he said, pointing out that, since Vos ordered NGN to make a full disclosure of material on 20 December 2011, the company had released just thirty more pages of information. 'This is like a jigsaw. The claimants are trying to piece it together but we're not sure we've even got all the pieces. Much has been lost or deliberately destroyed.'

And, still it gets worse for Rupert Murdoch as his company is now reportedly facing an FBI investigation into phone-hacking in America after News International admitted intercepting voicemails of Jude Law, the actor, while it is thought he was in the United States. On Thursday, the company paid the actor one hundred and thirty grand after accepting that it had published stories gleaned from the hacking of his phone. One of the articles News International accepted had come from phone-hacking was a 2003 story in the Scum of the World which referred to telephone calls Law's assistant Ben Jackson had made to him when he arrived at an airport. It is believed the airport in question was John F Kennedy airport in New York. News International's admission has led the US authorities to investigate whether a crime took place on American soil. It is thought the possibility that Law's phone was using an American network at the time could lead to offences having been committed under US law. The FBI has confirmed that it is looking into the allegations. An FBI spokesman said: 'We are aware of the allegations of surrounding this matter and are looking into it.' The spokesman refused to confirm whether Law has already been interviewed over the matter. Law's agent, Sara Keene, also refused to comment. An FBI investigation would be further embarrassment for Rupert Murdoch. The phone-hacking scandal has so far been largely confined to the UK. A separate investigation in the US would be extremely damaging to Murdoch given that his News Corporation media empire is based there. Law's solicitor, Mark Thomson, refused to disclose where the airport was, or whether Law had been on US soil when his phone was hacked. However a statement read to the court references a Scum of the World article, published in 2003 which 'even referred to phone calls that the claimant's assistant had made to the claimant on arrival at an airport.' An article published on 7 September 2003 in the Scum of the World refers to calls made by Jackson to Law shortly after he arrived at New York's JFK airport.

The Commons culture, media and sport committee has delayed publication of a report from Surrey police into the hacking of Milly Dowler's phone by the Scum of the World. Lawyers representing the hacking victims are understood to have objected on the grounds that the Dowler family ought to be consulted first. As a result, Friday morning's planned publication was postponed. The document, responding to questions posed to Surrey police by the committee before Christmas, is understood to detail for the first time how senior journalists from the Scum of the World not only obtained Dowler's phone messages in 2002 but also boasted in writing to police that they had done so, and played them a tape of calls. Dowler went missing on 21 March 2002, prompting a search by Surrey police; she was later found murdered. On 14 April 2002 the Scum of the World published a story claiming police were 'intrigued' by an alleged new lead derived from voicemails they had obtained from her phone. The subsequently disgraced and disgraceful Sunday tabloid quoted verbatim from three voicemails, and gave the impression they had been retrieved by the police themselves. After protests from Surrey police, the story was modified in later editions to suggest that the lead was merely a hoax. The delay in publishing the report, understood to be based on contemporaneous police files, comes as the news editor of the Scum of the World at the time, Neville Thurlbeck, publicly claimed that it was the police themselves who could have been the source of the voicemails. He also claimed to have been 'not aware' that Dowler's voicemails had been hacked by the paper's own hired private detective, Glenn Mulcaire. Thurlbeck told Channel Four News: 'There are a variety of sources where this information could have come from. I'm not about to reveal where they came from. But they could have come from the police themselves. They could have come from a police "source."' Whatever the hell, that means. 'It's a mistake to jump to the conclusion that the people on the News of the World knew that these voicemails had been hacked.'

The Daily Scum Mail publisher, Associated Newspapers, has lost its high court challenge to the Leveson inquiry over anonymous evidence from journalists. On Friday the high court ruled that it would not grant a judicial review to Associated Newspapers in a bid to stop the Leveson inquiry accepting anonymous submissions from journalists. The application was supported by the Torygraph Media Group. Associated Newspapers wanted the high court to overturn a ruling made my Lord Justice Leveson in November, claiming that it was unlawful and that all tabloid newspapers risked being 'reputationally damaged' by 'untested' claims from journalists. The inquiry was set to hear more evidence from rank-and-file journalists next week, including a number of anonymous submissions through the National Union of Journalists, but that has been postponed due to the high court challenge. About twenty journalists have submitted anonymous evidence to the inquiry. In a written judgment handed down at the high court on Friday, Lord Justice Toulson said: 'Judicial review is a means of correcting unlawfulness. It is not for the court to micromanage the conduct of the inquiry by the chairman, least of all in relation to hypothetical situations the likelihood of which appears to the chairman to be remote. I would refuse the application for judicial review. For the future, how the chairman deals with individual anonymity requests in the context of his general ruling and protocol will be matters of detailed consideration for him, which should not foreseeably give rise to further requests for judicial interference.' The high court ruled that Lord Justice Leveson had not acted unlawfully by allowing anonymous submissions, which would leave 'a gap in the inquiry's work' if they were disallowed. 'I am not persuaded that there is in principle something wrong in allowing a witness to give evidence anonymously through fear of career blight, rather than fear of something worse. Fear for a person's future livelihood can be a powerful gag. Nor am I persuaded that the chairman acted unfairly and therefore erred in law in deciding that on balance he should admit such evidence, subject to his considering it of sufficient relevance and being satisfied that the journalist would not give it otherwise than anonymously.' Evidence submitted anonymously by journalists will not name any person or company, Leveson said in his ruling last year. Friday's judgment said: 'Above all, it is of the greatest importance that the inquiry should be, and seen by the public to be, as thorough and balanced as it is practically possible. If the chairman is prohibited from admitting the evidence of journalists wanting to give evidence anonymously, there will be a gap in the inquiry's work, although the material (or similar material) is already in a real sense in the public domain.'

A tabloid report on Friday morning suggests that a troubled teenager will kill Heather Trott (Cheryl Fergison) in a storyline for EastEnders later this year. Which is, technically, a spoiler but since it's been splashed all over the from page of the Sun, it's probably old news by the time you read this, dear blog reader. The newspaper claims that Ben Mitchell (Joshua Pascoe) will murder Heather after an argument and will seek help from his father Phil Mitchell (Steve McFadden) to cover-up the dreadful deed. 'Heather's exit stuns the Square. Everyone is looking over their shoulder wondering who is responsible,' a 'show source' alleged told the Sun using that risible 'nobody really talks like that' language so beloved by newspapers whose reads dislike anything with more than two syllables. It had certainly been rumoured for a number of weeks that Heather could be killed off after Fergison's contract was not renewed late last year. At the moment Ben is currently in the process of framing his father for the death of Stella Crawford (Sophie Thompson) in 2007.

Sky1's star-studded drama Mad Dogs returned for a second run around the park with nearly one million overnight viewers on Thursday. Mad Dogs, which stars John Simm, Philip Glenister, Marc Warren and Max Beesley had eight hundred and fifty seven thousand punters between 9pm and 10pm. The first of a four-part series, it had more than triple Sky1's average audience in the slot over the last three months. BBC1's MasterChef had the better of ITV's Samuel West drama Eternal Law which is sinking faster than the Costa Concordia at the moment. The cookery show had four and a half million viewers, up three hundred thousand on the previous night's episode between 9pm and 10pm, beating the three million who watched Eternal Law. This figure rose to 3.3 million with ITV+1 viewers taken into account. At the same time on BBC2, Norma Percy's latest landmark modern history documentary series Putin, Russia and the West began a four-part run with 1.4 million viewers, including fifty seven thousand on the BBC HD channel. BBC1's natural history series Earthflight was watched by 3.9 million viewers between 8pm and 9pm.

BBC1 Controller Danny Cohen has spoken about the year ahead for BBC1 in one of the most important years in living memory for the UK. This year will see the Queen's Diamond Jubilee and the London Olympics take centre stage across the BBC. 'The Channel is often at its most powerful when it draws the nation together and delivers high-quality coverage of the Nation's biggest moments. We will be working hard in the coming weeks and months to deliver this for audiences, whether it be outstanding Olympics' coverage or the grand occasions of State during the Diamond Jubilee,' Cohen said. As well as the big two events and sports, Cohen wants BBC1 to have an 'outstanding year' with a variety of key programming from different departments. He confirms that over twenty new drama commissions will be broadcast this year. Trailers have been running for a few weeks promoting Original British Drama on the BBC. One of those, Call The Midwife, attracting nearly eight million viewers last Sunday. 'In Natural History, we will launch a major new innovative project - Planet Earth Live - that will tell the global story of animals around the world at a key moment in the breeding season. In History, Jeremy Paxman returns to BBC1 with a major new landmark series - Paxman's Empire, and we will tell the story of Bomber Command with the help of Ewan and Colin McGregor.'

Sky's commitment to British comedy continues as they announce their latest commission. Parents will be a new six-part family sitcom from Objective Productions and commissioned by Sky's Head of Comedy Lucy Lumsden. Described as a 'sharp, quick-witted family sitcom', it will star Smack The Pony's Sally Phillips and Darren Strange as a married couple with two teenaged children, forced to move in with their parents played by Coronation Street's Susie Blake and Tom Conti. 'We've been on the hunt for smart comedies about family life for Sky 1 HD and feel we have found it with Parents. We're very excited about the cast we've managed to attract and can't wait to start production,' said Lumsden.

Simon Cowell has admitted that his own arrogance may have led to the disappointing performance of The X Factor and Britain's Got Talent last year. The odious narcissist and megalomaniac agreed that the ratings dips recorded by both shows, plus the underwhelming debut of risible flop Red or Black? and a less than spectacular first series for The X Factor USA had been 'a massive wake-up call. We all got a bit smug last year, I certainly got a bit too cocky,' he told the Sun. Got? Hang on, this is Simon Cowell talking? Simon smug-is-my-middle-name Cowell? 'I ended 2010 on a real high, it was the Matt Cardle year - my favourite year - and the figures for X Factor were huge. I did get too arrogant, everyone does. When you have a very good year like I did in 2010 you get a bit cocky. You think you are great, then you get a bit of a smack. We went into 2011 thinking, "It's all going to be easy," and of course it wasn't. It was a massive wake-up call. From BGT, to Red or Black? - me making these massive predictions in America. Last year was the year my ego was put in check. It wasn't a terrible year, but 2010 was spectacular,' he said. 'It feels like I'm back at the beginning again. I am optimistic - but not so arrogant, I'd say.'

Forget all the speculation about how Sherlock faked his own death on the acclaimed BBC1 drama. What the Daily Torygraph really wants to know is where did he get his lovely coat from? Turns out it's made by Belstaff who – sadly – are not producing any more for the foreseeable future and only have one left in store. 'Are they insane?' asks the Torygraph's Lisa Armstrong. 'Zillions of men and women would kill for one, especially now the weather's finally on the turn.' Zillions isn't a real number, Lisa m'love, you're a journalist, you should know that.

Steven Moffat has claimed told the Guardian that some of Sherlock's next series has already been filmed. Last Sunday's series finale The Reichenbach Fall saw the detective seemingly plummet to his death, only for the character to reappear unharmed in the last scene. 'We've worked out how Sherlock survives,' Moffat revealed. 'And, actually shot part of what really happened. It all makes sense.' The Doctor Who showrunner also joked that he and co-creator Mark Gatiss have come up with a better ending than author Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Referring to the plot of Doyle's The Final Problem, Moffat added: 'He cheated outrageously. He has Watson deduce that Holmes fell off a waterfall. But there was no body. And it only means one thing in a detective show when there's no body. We had to have Holmes dying in Watson's arms - and get away with that, which we have.'

With the success of Downton Abbey still causing shock-waves both sides of the pond, the path has been set for a new generation of period dramas, and the next one to watch out could be is Whittington Manor. Written and adapted to screenplay by Claire Voet, this tells a story of love and heartbreak during the second world war; of class division, corruption, deceit and betrayal, as it follows the life of sixteen year old Sarah. The only daughter of Lord and Lady Whittington, and residing at the famous Whittington Manor, this story is set in one of Britain's most historic cities, Portsmouth. Sarah finds love at the top of Portsmouth landmark, Portsdown Hill, with an unlikely suitor, Joe Lambert. Divided by social class, and knowing their relationship could never be accepted, the pair meet in secret until war breaks out and Joe is sent off to fight the Bosch. Sarah works at the local hospital, Queen Alexandra, and sets about making her contribution to the war efforts. However, overhearing a conversation between two soldiers sent back from Dunkirk, her life changes direction entirely, and a new path follows. Whittington Manor was written by Portsmouth author Voet and focuses not just on the love story between Sarah and Joe, but embarks on key moments during the second world war, including the battle of Dunkirk. Whittington Manor is Voet's debut novel and has impressed the BBC so much, they commissioned the production of a TV adaptation. Voet told imediamonkey that an eight-part dramatisation is currently in the works. 'I can confirm that Whittington Manor is being developed into a TV series. And at the moment is being produced by the BBC,' she said. 'The first series will be made into eight episodes, and will cover the book in its entirety, with the following series being written by myself and a professional screenwriter from the BBC.'

Richard Desmond's Channel Five is to launch its own in-house production division and is developing formats including a cookery show fronted by Marco Pierre White. The new department, called Channel Five Productions, will be the first time in the broadcaster's near fifteen-year history that it has made its own programmes. Channel Five's cookery format presented by Pierre White, who previously fronted ITV's Hell's Kitchen, is one of a number of shows in development, including a documentary with John Barrowman about the return of Dallas and a show with former The X Factor contestants Jedward. Like rival commercial broadcaster Channel Four, Channel Five has previously only transmitted programmes made by independent production companies. About twenty staff are believed to be working in the new department. Desmond's company, Northern & Shell, already owns production facilities at Portland TV near Canary Wharf. Portland's existing output is unlikely to make it onto Channel Five or any other mainstream channel, however, as it is responsible for adult channels including Television X and Red Hot TV - something to remember the next the the Daily Scum Express does one of its shitehawk puritanical 'exclusives' on some tame BBC3 documentary about sex. Yes, that's from a newspaper owned by a soft-core pornagrapher, dear blog reader. Hypocrisy very much in action. All of the shows currently being made by Channel Five Productions are intended to be broadcast on the Desmond company's digital terrestrial networks, although it may begin pitching to other broadcasters when more firmly established. The broadcaster's in-house production drive will be watched closely by the independent television production sector, for whom Channel Five is one of the biggest customers. There are no restrictions in the broadcaster's licence preventing it setting up its own programme-making division.

Ofcom has revoked the UK broadcasting licence of Press TV, forcing Iran's English-language channel off the air for multiple breaches of the broadcasting code. The controversial broadcaster was at risk of being banned in the UK last year after being criticised by Ofcom for broadcasting an interview with imprisoned Newsweek journalist Maziar Bahari which was alleged to have been conducted under duress. But media regulator Ofcom instead opted to impose a one hundred grand fine on Press TV, which is the English-language outlet of the Iranian state. However, Ofcom said that during the course of imposing the sanction on Press TV, the broadcaster revealed that its editorial control actually rested with Press TV International, based in Tehran. Broadcasting rules state that UK licence holders must be in 'general control' of their TV service, including all programmes shown on the network. Ofcom gave Press TV the opportunity to have its operations in Tehran 'correctly licenced' as part of a 'minded to revoke' letter. Press TV was offered the chance to either switch editorial control for its programming to the UK or transfer the entire broadcasting licence to Iran. However, Press TV has failed to make any necessary applications for the licence, and so Ofcom has opted to revoke it entirely. The channel, which counts odious former MP George Galloway among its presenters, is expected to be removed from the Sky platform by the end of January 2012. According to Ofcom, Press TV is also 'unwilling and unable' to pay the one hundred thousand smackers fine levelled against it. The watchdog said that it is pursuing this as 'a separate matter.' I dunno about you, but this really troubles me, dear blog reader. I'm trying to work out exactly what the difference is between this action, and the Iranian state blocking BBC radio broadcasts in Iran. Surely the whole point of a democracy is that we allow freedom of speech even if that freedom of speech is balmy as a bag full of angry badgers. So Press TV is a mouthpiece for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his knobless twattish murderous cronies? Big deal. FOX News and Sky News are mouthpieces for Rupert Murdoch and Channel Five for Richard Desmond. Viewers know this in advance and chose, therefore, whether to watch them or not. That's called democracy - the right to hear all viewpoints on offer (even the loopy ones) and then make ones own decision whether or not you want to listen to more. Personally, there's about as much chance of this blogger watching Press TV as there is of him watching ITV2 when Kerry Katona's on (and Peaches Geldof is following), but I'm really offended that Ofcom seem to consider me unable to make that choice for myself without their help. Just as offended as I am that Iran and China stop their citizens from hearing the BBC World Service. We can't complain about one form of state censorship and be in favour of a back-door version of the same thing. Of course, Press TV went and proved exactly how risible and ridiculous they are as soon as the announcement was made. In a statement issued to the BBC, Press TV's newsroom director Mr Hamid Emadi said: 'We asked Ofcom if Press TV Limited did not have control over the broadcast, why was it getting fined, if it did have control, why would the licence be revoked? Ofcom contradictions are nothing new for Press TV. The British government's tool to control the media has, on several occasions, changed its decisions regarding Press TV in its two-year campaign against the alternative news channel.' The statement also claimed that Ofcom, which it called 'the media arm of the Royal family,' had failed to respond to a letter sent by its Chief Executive earlier this month. To comedy, guys. The media arms of the British Royal family? Only if they make the BBC produce another It's A Royal Knockout, I'd venture. In which case, a revolution might be on the cards.

Endemol has reportedly reached an agreement with its lenders over the restructure of its €2.8bn debt burden. Endemol, which makes Channel Five's Big Brother and Deal or No Deal for Channel Four, said that it had reached a 'milestone' deal with more than two-thirds of its lenders to push through the financial restructure. Media reports suggest that the deal will reduce Endemol's debt to about five hundred million Euros. Endemol's three shareholders - Goldman Sach's Capital Partners, the Silvio Berlusconi-owned Mediaset and Endemol founder John de Mol's Cyrte investment vehicle - are expected to reduce their stake to around fifty per cent and also relinquish control of the production firm. The three major shareholders will retain seats on the Endemol board, but will also be joined by representatives of some of the firm's lenders, which include Apollo Management, Centrebridge, Providence Equity Partners and RBS. In a statement, Endemol global president Marco Bassetti said: 'We are delighted that the majority of our lenders have in principle agreed to the proposed commercial restructuring terms and we can now enter into the final part of the process. A solution that puts Endemol on a strong financial footing for the future is now imminent.' Endemol was the subject of a one billion Euro cash takeover bid from Time Warner last year. ITV was also rumoured to be interested in teaming up with Mediaset to acquire the firm, while European broadcasting giant RTL has kept a close eye on the situation. However, the Endemol board has instead opted to pursue a strategy of restructuring the debt mountain and remaining independent, despite some disagreement among the shareholders over whether this was the right way forward. The company said that talks will continue over coming weeks to finalise the agreement, but there are thought to be enough parties behind the deal for it to go ahead. Endemol management said that freeing up the 'onerous' constraints of the current capital structure will enable the firm to 'pursue exciting growth initiatives and build upon the solid progress that the group has made in 2011 as we focus on and develop the creative strategy which lies at the heart of our business.' It is understood that Endemol's earnings before interest, tax, depreciation and amortisation were one hundred and fifty million Euros last year.

Beer must be sold at all venues hosting matches in the 2014 World Cup in Brazil, football's world governing body FIFA has insisted. General Secretary Jerome Valcke said that the right to sell beer must be 'enshrined in a World Cup law' the Brazilian Congress is considering. Alcoholic drinks are currently banned at Brazilian stadiums and the country's health minister has urged Congress to maintain the ban in the new law. Brewer Budweiser is, of course, a big FIFA sponsor. What was that Bob Dylan said: 'Money doesn't talk, it swears' wasn't it? Valcke is currently visiting Brazil to press for progress on the much-delayed World Cup law. The profile of World Cup supporters is likely to be radically different from that of domestic Brazilian football, where violence is fuelled by club rivalries. But this is not about violence, or even about beer per se. It is about sovereignty. FIFA, those odious appeasers of fascists and corrupt governments, makes all sorts of demands on a World Cup host nation, from tax waivers to the necessity to provide stadiums, transport and hotel infra-structure - controversial issues in the developing world, where there are so many claims on the public purse. Largely because of poor domestic organisation, the costs of staging the tournament is spiralling (which is one reason why many football fans in the UK are secretly glad that Russian and not England got the 2018 tournament). But one area where Brazil's government can flex its muscles is that of sovereignty - which is why beer sales and ticket prices, governed by local law, are now the front line in the tension between Brazil and FIFA. In remarks to journalists in Rio de Janeiro, Valcke sounded frustrated with Brazilian officials. 'Alcoholic drinks are part of the FIFA World Cup, so we're going to have them. Excuse me if I sound a bit arrogant but that's something we won't negotiate,' he said. This, remember, is an executive of a sporting organisation, taking about telling an elected government what it can and cannot pass into law. 'Arrogant' doesn't even begin to cover it. 'The fact that we have the right to sell beer has to be a part of the law.' Alcohol was banned at Brazilian football matches in 2003 as part of attempts to tackle violence between rival football fans. The measures have had limited impact, according to the BBC's South American football correspondent Tim Vickery. In order to drink, supporters tend to stay longer outside stadiums, areas that are harder to police than inside. Much of the football violence in Brazil stems from club rivalries. Fans who follow the national side tend to be wealthier and include more women and families. Health Minister Alexandre Padilha and other members of Congress have called for the ban to be maintained. Valcke said negotiations with Brazil over details of the World Cup had been slow. 'We lost a lot of time and we were not able to discuss with people in charge that are willing to make a decision,' he said, adding that it was the first time a country was still in talks five years after winning the right to host the tournament. During his visit to Brazil, Valcke has been touring the stadiums in twelve cities where the 2014 World Cup will be played. He criticised the pace of construction and said Brazil had not yet improved its infrastructure to the level needed to welcome visitors.

A bank error has given an Indian teacher a bank balance of four hundred and ninety billion rupees (that's around six billion quid). Upon discovering the abnormally high balance, Parijat Saha from Balughat in the South Dinajpur district called his bank to report it. After all, he noted, he'd been doing a bit of overtime recently but that was ridiculous. He told BBC News: 'On Sunday evening when I was checking my savings account balance on the Internet, I was expecting an amount of a little more than ten thousand rupees [a hundred and thirty quid]. I called up a friend in the bank and joked, "Maybe money is overflowing in your bank - that's why your system has remitted so much money into my account."' The government-run State Bank of India is currently investigating the root of the error, but sources claim that Saha would not have been able to withdraw the extra money as the funds were 'uncleared.' The chief manager of the Balurghat branch said: 'I have been specifically asked not to comment on this issue.'

Johnny Otis, dubbed the 'Godfather of rhythm and blues', has died aged ninety. The bandleader, who had been unwell for several years, died at his home in the Los Angeles, his manager said. Best known for the song 'Willie and the Hand Jive', he also wrote 'Every Beat of My Heart', a hit for Gladys Knight and the Pips in 1961. 'He is one of the greatest talents of American music and he was a great American,' said music historian Tom Reed, adding 'He could do it all.' Otis, who was born to Greek-American parents, grew up in a predominately black community in Berkeley in California, listening to blues, gospel and swing. 'As a kid, I decided that if our society dictated that one had to be black or white, I would be black,' said Otis, who changed his birth name from John Veliotes. In 1945 he formed his own band - The Johnny Otis Show - and went on to have his first big hit with 'Harlem Nocturne.' Meanwhile, his reputation as a drummer was also growing. But it was R&B which was to thrust him into the limelight. 'Double Crossing Blues', 'Mistrustin' Blues' and 'Cupid's Boogie' all took the number one spot in 1949, with 'Mambo Boogie' and 'Sunset to Dawn' among his later hits. Otis also unearthed talents such as Jackie Wilson and Etta James, for whom he composed 'The Wallflower' in 1955 and produced early recordings for the likes of Little Richard, Big Mama Thornton and Johnny Ace. His 1958 hit 'Willie and the Hand Jive' saw him take the role of lead singer and employ Bo Diddley's famous chugging riff, introducing the sound to a white audience. The record sold more than one and a half million copies in the US alone. It was later covered by Cliff Richard and The Shadows and Eric Clapton among many others. With the British Invasion in the early 1960s, 'the white boys from England came over with a recycled version of what we created. We were out of business, man,' Otis said in 1994. He saw a brief revival of interest in original R&B in the late 1960s and 1970s, when he performed with a band that included his teenage son, Shuggie, on guitar. Otis also worked as a radio DJ and a journalist and became heavily involved in the civil rights movement. His acclaimed 1968 book Listen to the Lambs was a sociological critique in the wake of the Watts riots. He chronicled the music scene he knew so well in the 1994 book Upside Your Head! Rhythm and Blues on Central Avenue. Otis even found his way into politics, serving as deputy chief of staff for Mervyn M Dymally as the Democrat rose in state politics and served in the US House of Representatives. While cultivating his interest in painting and sculpture, Otis tended homegrown crops in Altadena and in Sebastopol in Northern California's wine country. He also opened a short-lived grocery store and for a time marketed Johnny Otis Apple Juice. 'Today's musicians are better technically,' Otis said in 1979, 'but that's not a virtue in itself. What's important is the emotional impact. Most rock or disco today doesn't stir up anything in my heart — not the way a Picasso does, not the way the blues or gospel does.' He continued tour well into his seventies, while also becoming an ordained minister and organic farmer. He was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1994. Otis and his wife of sixty years, Phyllis, had several children and grandchildren.

US soul singer Etta James, best known for the songs 'At Last', 'Tell Mama', 'I Just Wanna Make Love to You' and the epic 'I'd Rather Go Blind', has died aged seventy three. It was announced last year that the singer had been diagnosed with leukaemia and was undergoing treatment. Etta began singing in a group aged fourteen, before she embarked upon a solo career where she signed to the legendary Chess Records label. She went on to win six Grammy Awards and was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1993. Legendary producer Jerry Wexler once called her 'the greatest of all modern blues singers' whilst the great rock journalist Charles Shaar Murray appearing on Channel Four News called her 'a defining rhythm and blues singer. if you're thinking of the classic R&B voice, it's probably Etta James.' James' manager said that she had died in California from complications of leukaemia. Born Jamesetta Hawkins in 1938 in Los Angeles, her mother was only fourteen-years-old, and she never knew her father. Raised mainly by friends and relatives, she began singing when her grandparents took her to a Baptist Church, where she joined the choir as a soloist. Later, in San Francisco, she formed a singing group called the Creolettes, who were discovered by bandleader Johnny Otis. The band recorded together for a number of years but it was not until 1960, when James signed to the legendary Chicago Chess Records label as a solo artist, that she began to achieve musical recognition. It was for this label that she released her two most acclaimed LPs, At Last! and The Second Time Around. However an addiction to heroin began to hinder her success and she was forced to rebuild her career after quitting the drug in the early 1970s. She wrote in her autobiography Rage To Survive that she heard 'I'd Rather Go Blind' outlined by her friend Ellington Fugi Jordan when she visited him in prison. According to her account, she wrote the rest of the song with Jordan, but for tax reasons gave her songwriting credit to her partner at the time, Billy Foster. Although she was popular on the R&B and blues scene throughout her career, mainstream success eluded her grasp for many years - as Murray noted she was better known in the US than in Europe. She did not receive her first Grammy Award until 1994, for the LP Mystery Lady, which consisted of covers of Billie Holiday songs. By the mid-1990s, James' earlier classic music was often being included in commercials including, most notably, 'I Just Wanna Make Love to You' in a diet coke advert. Due to exposure of the song, it reached the top ten of the UK charts in 1996. In 2003, she was given the Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award. James died at Riverside Community Hospital, with her husband and sons - Donto and Sametto - at her side, manager Lupe De Leon said. 'It's a tremendous loss for her fans around the world. She'll be missed. A great American singer. Her music defied category.'

So thus, for today's Keith Telly Topping's 45(s) of the Day in tribute to the departed, here's a couple of genuine twenty-four carat modern American classics. One from Johnny ...

And one from Etta.

MasterChef: If You Can't Stand The Heat, Get Out of The Kitchen

2012-01-19T23:17:00.000Z

The third episode of 2012's MasterChef opened with the BBC continuity announcer asking the audience if they were 'hungry for more.' Ya geddit? Yeah. Anyway, we soon learned that there were, indeed (as speculated the night before), only three places open for Thursday's eight contestants due that that bit of rule bending back in episode one. As they prepared for the invention test the camera lingered, lovingly, on a long shot of John Tordoe in jeans with turn-ups. Style. For God's sake, man, you own two of London's best restaurants, you can do better than that, surely?

First up was Steve Diggle-out-of-the-Buzzcocks lookalike Andrew, who had a very brave choice of shirt (there's not many men that can pull off pink). His dish of roast pigeon with a breaded cauliflower sauce, sweet fig and blackberry sauce and mushroom duxelle got the show off to a cracking start. The dish, John said, 'makes my head spin. In a really good way.' Is there a bad way, one wonders? Well, yeah, The Exorcist, I suppose. So, the dish was either wonderful or yer man Torode had been possessed by the devil, one or the other. 'I love it,' said Gregg just to confirm that John's head-turning experience was probably the former (although, we'll keep an eye on him in future episodes and have the holy water handy just in case). It was, both judges later declared, 'the dish of the day.' Good start. Next up was Bethan who said there was 'no point in playing safe' and went for a lemon and white chocolate meringue tart ('Would you like a cake or a meringue?' 'No you're right, I'll have a cake...') with raspberry coulis and a white chocolate sauce. Unfortunately, by not playing safe, she produced a dish that 'didn't quite work' with soggy undercooked pastry that, ultimately, cost her a place in the next round. Might've been better if you had played safe, Beth. Next up was big hard tattooed security man Jay who looked like the kind of chap that'd be more at home in the middle of a riot than in a kitchen. Just shows, I guess, that looks can be deceptive as Jay produced another of the dishes of the day, a gorgeous-looking pan fried sea bream with clams, sweet potato stack and garlic sauce. John really loved it, Gregg called it 'proper grown-up food' and, as Jay left the room John noted that if good food was supposed to put a smile on the face, Jay had certainly delivered a sodding great beam on his own. Sai chose to ignore her Thai background and cook an English-style dish, pork with rosemary and thyme, wild mushrooms and potato dauphinoise. There were 'texture issues' according to Gregg and John noted that it 'doesn't make my heart jump out of my chest.' But, what really seemed to cost Sai was when the judges asked her why she'd gone for something so alien to her, she seemed stumped for an answer and muttered something about 'falling back on tradition.' Like Bethan, she was eliminated.

Lee missed his calling. On the last series of MasterChef with its X-Factor riffs, his sob story about having recently lost both his job and his girlfriend would've probably seen him reach the semi-final on that score alone. Sadly, this year, they appear to be looking for cooks first and foremost and good back-stories second. Although, to be fair to the lad, his dish of pan fried sea bream, potato and chives with a chorizo dressing had the judges talking about him. For all the wrong reasons, admittedly. His decision to include orange in the dish was the major flaw, according to John who described it was 'not my cup of tea.' Or, perhaps he should have said, not his glass of orange juice. Nevertheless, Lee showed enough promise to earn another chance. As did Margaret who, in best Miriam Reilly-style, said that she was doin' it for the more mature ladies and cooked a stuffed chicken breast with a tomato and red pepper sauce and butter beans. It was fine, if a bit dry. Also into the next round were Jonathan (ballotine of chicken and bacon with lentils and a mushroom sauce - 'tastes good, doesn't look right' said Gregg) and Enormous Ian who was tonight's contestant to bang on, constantly, about 'living the dream.' His dish of sole with clam and pancetta with new potatoes, spinach and a parsley butter sauce was said to have good flavour combinations and was only let down by a few little details (not peeling the spuds very well, for example). So, six were through and they all went off to a couple of professional kitchens (Port Desin and The Swan at the Globe) where only really Margaret had a proper nightmare and most of them seemed to quite enjoy the experience. Again, as mentioned after Wednesday's blog, having the professional kitchen section this early in the competition really hasn't worked this year. It's been the grit in a very tasty sandwich in each of the three episodes. On Thursday, I got so bored with it, I flicked over to Mad Dogs for five minutes. Back at MasterChef HQ meanwhile Gregg was further torturing the language with his statement that 'what will not make it through is safe.' I'm not even sure that actually qualifies as English. Again, the two stand-out plates, by miles, were Andrew and Jay. The former's stuffed saddle of rabbit with late summer vegetables, polenta cakes, butternut squash purée and leek fondue was a hit with both judges ... apart from the leeks which were said to have overpowerd pretty much everything else. John said that this made him sad and he did a little (John Simms' Master-style) 'sad face' to prove it. Andrew was philosophical and said that if one small error was what stopped him going through, it would be a shame but he could live with it. He didn't have to. He was through. So was Jay whose pan fried goosnargh duck breast with celeriac purée, baby carrots and crispy shallots and a red wine and current jeu was 'without fault' (Gregg). 'It works' said John, seemingly as surprised as Jay himself was. 'Maybe I've got a chance,' Jay said, when interviewed. 'Who knows?' He paused. 'Well, them two, obviously!' Very good!

Margaret needed something special to acquire a MasterChef apron and couldn't quite pull it off despite producing a very nice looking plum and frangipane tart with rose flavoured ice cream and plum syrup. When she told him what she was making Gregg declared 'right now, I'm in love with her!' Sadly, as Margaret herself acknowledged she'd played a little safe and, in the end, as John said, that slight lack of ambition came through in her dish. Margaret herself was very gracious, unlike several unsuccessful contestants this year, saying that she'd probably just about found her level and that to go any further might've been pushing it somewhat. Also finding his level was Ian who, unlike Margaret went down in flames through over, rather than under ambition. Ian really went for it, preparing a lobster salad with tempura squid, basil and cantaloupe caviar and watermelon. John thought that dish, in concept, sounded like 'the fishmonger's crashed into the fruit and veg stall.' The dish was 'daring' both judges said but, one felt that was a little bit like those politicians who use the word 'brave' to describe the actions of a colleage when they actually mean 'reckless.' 'Not quite balanced properly,' noted Gregg. So, Ian was also out. The final place in the twelve was thus between Jonathan and Lee. The former felt he had 'dodged a bullet' in the previous round although that felt harsh as he'd clearly been one of the better cooks on display. He showed amazing bravery (and, in this case, whilst it does mean reckless it also means, actually, brave) with Pigeon-en-croute with confit pigeon leg, celeriac purée and fondant potato. He also became the first ever contestant in amateur MasterChef history to make his own puff pastry. And he pulled it off. And then spoiled it by undercooking his potato. As he sat, miserably, in the waiting room the viewer could see him, metaphorically, kicking himself at such a 'schoolboy error.' He is 'a class act' John suggested, 'but he made a silly mistake.' And then there was Lee whose pan roasted venison with sweet and sour red onion and a chocolate and stout sauce was the final dish. 'And, not an orange in sight,' said Gregg, happily. The dish was good. It was very good. But, said John, the onion was 'too powerful for the venison.' 'I don't want to go home.' said Lee. But, home he went. Interviewed afterwards, Lee was still being positive. 'I don't think this is the end,' he said. But, it was.

Twelve finalists will now start their battle for the MasterChef title next week, and they'll do so by cooking for the previous winners - Tim The Mad professor, lovely Dhruv, Mat, Thomasina, Big Fat Cuddly Claire, Aussie Ash the lot of them. Tough gig! And, hopefully, brilliant television.

The Trip of A Lifetime

2012-01-19T16:41:00.004Z

It was once known as 'The Delia Effect' – a TV show boosting sales of a particular product (after Delia Smith got the country cooking in the 1980s). Perhaps we should rename it 'The Coxy Cause-and-Effect' from now on after BBC2's Stargazing Live, presented by yer actual Professor Brian Foxy Coxy, saw telescope sales soar almost five hundred per cent, according to the Sun. No, that's not a euphemism for anything - as in, 'is that a telescope in your pocket or are you just looking at Uranus? - I mean actual telescopes. Amazon reported sales up four hundred and ninety one per cent in the three hours after the show went out on Monday. The interest in Cox has also seen sales of his books more than double on Amazon since the physicist - and former pop musician - appeared on The Jonathan Ross Show. 'In the three hours following Stargazing Live being aired we saw an almost six-fold increase in sales of telescopes,' said Neil Campbell, the camera and photo store manager at Amazon. 'Each time the popular physicist appears on TV we see a jump in telescope sales and that would appear to point to a significant 'Brian Cox effect' encouraging a renewed interest in stargazing.' There's no word yet on whether this effect had also seen any significant increase in CD's by D:Ream. Probably not, I'm guessing.

According to the BBC press office as of Wednesday afternoon the BBC had received one hundred and eighty three 'contacts' (one hundred and eighteen comments and sixty five actual complaints) from viewers concerning various aspects of Stargazing Live. Only one of them - a complaint - related to Foxy Coxy's stridently anti-UFO stance. Personally, I thought that was a bit off, myself. It was an excellent show, Ed Bishop was particular good in it. No? Okay. (Yer actual Keith Telly Topping is indebted to his mate Duncan for that particular joke. Any complaints, send them to Duncan. Or, you know, Peter Gordino!) Perhaps a shade more worryingly was that the majority of the complaints were from 'people who disliked Dara O'Briain's presenting style.' I thought Dara - who, himself, of course as Coxy noted on Wednesday's show, studied cosmology and physics at Dublin University and is a very clever man indeed - did an excellent presenting job in a nicely self-deprecating way. And, he got that question he was asked about why stars twinkle and planets don't spot on. Maybe it was all the middle-aged ladies complaining about a portly bald Irishman spoiling their view of The Coxinator his very self? Who, honestly, knows? Or cares, for that matter? Sorry, I'm still chuckling away at Duncan's UFO jape. Ed Bishop! Anyway ... The BBC have also, much more importantly, received 'numerous' comments of praise about the series. Including, astonishingly, from the Daily Scum Mail. (Stargazing Live and Sherlock have continued to receive a steady drizzle of enthusiastic comments direct to the Beeb all week, apparently. Nice to see a bit of BBC-lurv in the house for once.)

Including HD viewers, three million watched the final episode of Stargazing Live on Wednesday with 2.6m of them hanging around for the subsequent Stargazing Live: Back to Earth discussion programme at 9:00pm. The main show had an audience of 2.73m on BBC2 and a further two hundred and sixty one thousand on BBC HD. Back to Earth's audience was 2.42m with two hundred and thirty one thousand on HD. Overall it was another very good night for BBC2 with the opening episode of The Crusades following with 1.9m. Earlier in the night, Eggheads , Great British Railway Journeys and Hairy Bikers' Best of British all topped two million for the channel. Georgia Salpa's eviction from the Big Brother house attracted an audience of 1.99m on Channel Five, according to overnight data. Celebrity Big Brother was followed by Kate Thornton - Anorexic: My Secret Past at 10pm, which averaged six hundred and sixteen thousand. So, to those people at least, it's no longer a secret, is it? Elsewhere, BBC1 had a steady night in the four to five million range broadcasting The ONE Show (4.4m), Rip Off Britain (4.69m), DIY SOS: The Big Build (5.19m) and MasterChef (4.25m) and the BBC News at Ten (4.7m). ITV's primetime coverage mostly consisted of an FA Cup football match, which averaged 3.4m, they having clearly picked the wrong match in Wolves versus Birmingham which probably appealed to few outside the west Midlands area. Piers Morgan's Life Stories in which the odious and oily twat interviewed Richard Branson had a risibly small audience of nine hundred and eighty six thousand sad, desperate punters from 10.45pm. On Channel Four, One Born Every Minute had 2.83m viewers in the 9pm hour with a further four hundred and sixty seven thousand of C4+1. Overall, BBC1 again came out on top with just over a twenty per cent audience share across the night, ahead of ITV's 15.4 per cent. BBC2 followed with 9.4 per cent.

Here's a little AI teaser from Monday of this week which should speak volumes without any additional commentary from this blogger. The Royal Bodyguard -seventy five; Mrs Brown's Boys - ninety one. Although, to be fair, one could suggest (and Gally Base's McLem actually did!) that Mrs Brown's Boys' AI may be artificially inflated by people simply being 'happy that The Royal Bodyguard is over.' Don't come for me looking for a quick answer on that one, dear blog reader.

BBC America is reportedly 'furious' with CBS over the US network's plan to produce a modern-day Sherlock Holmes series. Elementary - devised by Medium writer Rob Doherty - will, it is claimed, 'transport Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's detective to present-day New York.' BBC America chiefs have labelled the project as a 'blatant copy' of UK drama Sherlock, claims the Mirra. 'We want Sherlock to rate big in the States and this could take the shine off it,' an unnamed - and probably fictitious - 'source' allegedly told the odious tabloid. A 'US TV source' - again, almost certainly not real - added: 'The success of Sherlock in the UK has been major factor of bringing Elementary to life. We believe this modern twist will appeal to viewers. We want fresh American faces in the role.' BBC1's Sherlock - co-created by Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss - has, of course, already been commissioned for a third series. Moffat recently promised that fans will not have 'that long' to wait for new episodes. 'We're making movies - those six films we've made could go in the cinema,' said the writer. 'You can't factory produce that - it's a different kind of show. So, when we're good and ready - it won't be that long - but when we're ready, you'll get the follow-up.'

Wor Kev Whately has revealed that Lewis could soon come to an end. The Inspector Morse spin off - which also stars Laurence Fox - has been broadcast on ITV since 2006. Whately told the Radio Times: '[It won't last] a lot longer. I'm now police retirement age this year, so the time is coming quite soon, I think.' He added: 'You can definitely expect one more [series] next year, then after that, we'll see.' Whately - who has played Robbie Lewis since 1987 - admitted that he originally planned to stick with the role for just a few years. 'After three years, I thought "I've done enough of this now, I better leave it and go on to something else,"' he explained. 'I said I wasn't going to do any more, and luckily they persuaded me. Twenty six years later, I'm still at it.' The actor also confirmed that he had watched recent one-off prequel Endeavour, which starred Shaun Evans as a young Morse. 'I enjoyed Endeavour,' he said. 'I think it's got promise, so we'll see what they do with that.' It was recently reported that Endeavour could lead to a full series, with talks said to be 'ongoing' between production company Mammoth Screen and ITV. 'We're thrilled with the overwhelming response,' said executive producers Damien Timmer and Michele Bucker. 'The cries for a series are testament to Shaun Evans's remarkable performance.'

Russell Kane has signed up to host a new BBC3 comedy show. Live At The Electric, similar to BBC1's Live At The Apollo, will feature young comedians performing stand-up routines. Kane - very popular with students - will introduce the acts and also entertain the audience with his own sets, the Sun reports.

Dozens of classic horror movies produced by Britain's Hammer studios are to be restored for their release on Blu-Ray. More than thirty films will be resurrected, with several gaining new or extended scenes that were cut from the original. Among them is Terence Fisher's Dracula, which will incorporate a recently-discovered extended death scene considered too gruesome in 1958. Hammer was established in the 1934 and became synonymous with the horror genre in the 1950s and 1960s. Its run of monster movies included Dracula and The Curse Of Frankenstein, which made stars of Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing. After lying dormant since the 1980s, the company and its back catalogue were bought in 2007 by a consortium, and recently started producing new films including Let Me In and The Woman In Black. The restoration of its older titles is a large undertaking, with the likes of Pinewood Studios, Twentieth Century Fox, Warner Bros, Studio Canal and Paramount Pictures all contributing material. In a press release, Hammer added that the Blu-Ray discs would contain 'newly-filmed extras, including interviews with cast members.' The company is also asking members of the public to help it track down lost footage and deleted scenes from its movies. Some discoveries have already been made - the original UK title sequence has been reinstated on the 1966 masterpiece The Plague of The Zombies, while the UK title cards for Dracula: Prince of Darkness will be included on its release. Other classic gothic titles slated for restoration include Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter, The Mummy, Frankenstein Created Woman, The Lost Continent, The Reptile, Slave Girls (not, please note, The Reptile Slave Girls as the BBC News website has it. Such a movie does not exist!) and The Vengeance of She.

News International could face a seven-figure bill after agreeing to pay substantial compensation on the eve of a high-profile trial to 'a significant number' of the fifty eight claimants who have fought to prove their phones were hacked by the Scum of the World. The claimants alleged that senior employees and directors at News Group Newspapers, the News International subsidiary that published the Scum of the World, knew that their journalists were engaging in illegal practices, and that the group deliberately deceived investigators and destroyed evidence whilst continuing to insist to the general public that any hacking that had gone on had been the work on one rogue reporter. While not admitting or denying those claims, NGN has agreed that compensation to the claimants can be assessed 'on that basis.' Its position means victims will receive sums far in excess of the usual range of compensation in cases of misuse of private information, with some sums believed to be in excess of one hundred thousand notes. Victims whose claims are expected to be settled include Christopher Shipman, the son of the mass murderer Harold Shipman, HJK, an anonymous member of the public who had a relationship with someone famous, and the politicians John Prescott, Chris Bryant and Denis MacShane. The actor Jude Law received one hundred and thirty thousand smackers and his ex-wife Sadie Frost fifty grand while the ex-deputy prime minister Lord Prescott was reported to have received forty big ones. Footballer Ashley Cole also settled for 'an undisclosed fee' with the now-defunct, disgraced and disgraceful tabloid's publisher, the court heard. News International said that it 'would not comment' on the agreements. The claimants' victory will provide an informal tariff for the other approximately seven hundred and forty victims whom Scotland Yard have confirmed had their phones hacked by the tabloid. The settlements also include a promise from NGN to 'continue to search' its electronic archives, meaning further evidence of unlawful interceptions could still be disclosed. Settlement orders contain a specific provision that new claims can be brought if further wrongdoing emerges in the future. This is important, say lawyers, because attempts are being made to reconstruct e-mail archives which were destroyed by NGN in an apparent attempt to cover up wrongdoing. Tamsin Allen, who has represented eight victims for Bindmans LLP, said: 'The claimants now have some clarity about what happened to them in the years between 2000 and 2005 and satisfaction that justice has finally been done. Many of them have wondered for years how tabloid newspapers were able to obtain secret personal information about them, even suspecting their closest friends and relatives. Lives have been severely affected by this cavalier approach to private information and the law. News Group's misguided decision to defend claims aggressively made matters worse,' she added. 'News Group have finally started to see sense and agreed to apologise and to pay compensation and costs in the majority of the remaining claims. The Leveson inquiry will, in time, reveal to the public the full extent of the perversion of good journalistic standards at the News of the World during the phone-hacking years.' The information extracted by the claimants provides such a detailed picture of the hacking operation at the Scum of the World which future claimants will be in a strong position to bring claims based on an inference, Allen added. 'The documents News Group has been forced to release paint such a comprehensive picture of the activities at the News of the World that new claimants may not need to prove Glenn Mulcaire had their pin number or that information from a voicemail left on their phone appeared in a subsequent article to successfully claim their phone was hacked,' said Allen. 'We have now established patterns of behaviour by the paper that could be relied upon to prove hacking in other cases where, seen in isolation, there appears to be less direct evidence of hacking.' In a pre-trial hearing where decisions will be made on further disclosure and how the remaining ten cases will be tried in February, Mr Justice Vos, the high court judge in charge of all hacking cases, is expected to hear statements in open court in which NGN accepts responsibility for wrongdoing. A number of claimants, including the MP Simon Hughes and the sports agent Sky Andrew have refused to settle their cases and seemingly want their day in court. The case is due to come to court on 13 February. As a result, NGN will continue to disclose further information and evidence. The full trial is expected to last three weeks. The remaining cases are likely to be tried together without any lead claims. Mark Thomson of Atkins Thomson, who represents victims including Jude Law and Simon Hughes as well as former claimants Sienna Miller and Kelly Hoppen, said: 'After years of denials and cover-up, News Group Newspapers has finally admitted the depth and scale of the unlawful activities of many of their journalists at the News of the World and the culture of illegal conduct at their paper. After more than a year of litigation, they have now not only made admissions and apologies to many individual victims of the phone-hacking conspiracy but also made general admissions about what went on.' Thomson paid tribute to the courage of the victims. 'All of the claimants have been extremely brave to take on and succeed against a massive and influential multinational media organisation. They can take the credit for triggering the new police investigation, the parliamentary inquiries and the Leveson inquiry. They should be very pleased with what they have achieved.' Gerald Shamash, a solicitor at Steel and Shamash who represents Alastair Campbell and Paul Gascoigne, said: 'When the now-defunct News of the World investigated and published stories about people, including people high up in government as well as other people in the public eye, it systematically ignored any privacy rights and interests they might have, and knew no limits in what it was prepared to do to get a story. It had a distorted idea of the "public interest", justifying its behaviour like a tyrannical father,' he added. The Scum of the World had placed Lord Prescott under surveillance when he was deputy prime minister, the court heard. Other payouts included forty thousand quid to rugby union star Gavin Henson and the same sum to entrepreneur and friend of Princes William and Harry, Guy Pelly. Pelly said in a statement read in court he had phoned his voicemail to find it engaged. The BBC's legal correspondent Clive Coleman said some commentators were viewing the latest settlements as News International 'waving the white flag.' There did not seem to be a huge appetite on News International's part to put their current and former journalists and editors in the witness box, he added. Labour MP Chris Bryant, who was awarded thirty thousand knicker, said in a court statement it was 'a matter of utmost distress' to discover that he was a victim. Joan Hammell, chief of staff to the Lord Prescott, was awarded forty thousand quid. She was party to highly sensitive information and cleared to the highest security vetting level within government, the court heard. Christopher Shipman, son Dr Harold Shipman, was awarded an undisclosed fee after it emerged that both his e-mails and phone were hacked. The Gruniad claims that is 'understands' there are about seventy more phone-hacking cases 'waiting in the wings.' Mark Lewis, the solicitor representing the Dowler family, and many other phone-hacking victims said the Thursday's rulings were 'just the tip of the iceberg.' Lewis added: 'It's a significant to the individuals who have settled but in the greater scheme of things is not particularly significant. The generic issues which have to still get discussed ahead as a trial because issues have to be resolved unless every case is settled.'

Perhaps the most significant new element of Thursday's hacking settlement announcements is the accusation by the hacking victims' lawyers that Murdoch company directors tried to destroy evidence. Although the lawyers' statement does not name specific names, it accuses 'directors of News Group Newspapers Ltd,' the Murdoch subsidiary which controlled the Scum of the World, of seeking to conceal the wrongdoing by 'deliberately deceiving investigators and destroying evidence.' The directors of NGN were headed, from April 2008, by James Murdoch, Rupert Murdoch's son. Murdoch the younger has already been at the centre of public allegations that he first authorised a cover-up in June 2008, by agreeing to buy the silence of Gordon Taylor, one of the hacking victims, with a lavish seven hundred thousand quid 'secret pay-off.' The following year, former Scum of the World editor Rebekah Brooks joined the NGN board. This was on 23 July 2009, a few days after the Gruniad Morning Star revealed the existence of the cover-up at the Scum of the World. Brooks, who by now had been promoted by Rupert Murdoch to head his entire UK newspaper operation, responded by claiming: 'The Guardian coverage, we believe, has substantially and likely deliberately misled the British public.' It now appears that it Brooks's own statement was far more likely to do that. Thursday's announcement accused NGN of a 'conspiracy, a cover-up and the destruction of evidence/e-mail archives.' It does not spell out on which dates the alleged destruction of the e-mail archive and/or evidence took place. But it says, under the company's new independently chaired management committee that 'attempts are being made to reconstruct e-mail archives which had been destroyed by News Group in an apparent attempt to cover up wrongdoing.' The allegations are, the Gruniad notes, carefully worded: The Murdoch organisation has not made any formal admission of guilt which could assist any criminal prosecution. The announcement says: 'News Group has agreed to compensation being assessed on the basis that senior employees and directors of NGN knew about the wrongdoing and sought to conceal it by deliberately deceiving investigators and destroying evidence.' But the lawyers involved, the Gruniad continues 'make plain their belief' that they have obtained a sheaf of incriminating documents, the significance of which News Group does not care to attempt to contest in open court. They say that in the course of the litigation, they have: 'obtained nine separate disclosure orders from the court. As a result, documents relating to the nature and scale of the conspiracy, a cover-up and the destruction of evidence/e-mail archives by News Group have now been disclosed to the claimants.' About sixty civil cases have been steadily fought through the courts throughout the last year. The disclosure battles have taken place largely behind the scenes. The Leveson inquiry public hearings may have attracted more limelight, with their lurid tales of tabloid sordid malpractice, shadfy skulduggery and naughty shenanigans and malarkey, but the lawsuits, brought by three firms of solicitors working in a co-ordinated project, have been the driving force behind the unfolding of the entire phone-hacking scandal. The series of disclosure orders forced the abandonment of the Scum of the World's long-held 'single rogue reporter' defence, the revival of a major police inquiry, which is still continuing, the departure of the prime minister's press secretary, former Scum of the World editor Andy Coulson, numerous arrests and the setting up of the Leveson inquiry itself. Leveson is likely to want to be supplied with the confidential papers detailing the reasons behind any settlements announced. This week, James Harding, the editor of the Murdoch-controlled Times, published a confessional editorial saying: 'It appears that the News of the World routinely used illegal means to unearth stories of questionable, if any, public interest. As the evidence of wrongdoing came to light, News International, Rupert Murdoch's company that also owns The Times, was unable or unwilling to police itself. This was a disgrace.' Thursday's statement from Bindmans, which represented a number of the claimants, credited 'the work of investigative journalists at the Guardian' in helping the victims by revealing the cover-up at the Scum of the World. Meanwhile, the Torygraph's chief reporter, Gordon Rayner, claimed in two separate tweets on Thursday that, firstly 'NGN [has been] asked to search desks, drawers and filing cabinets of eight staff members by lawyers for the hacking victims,' and, secondly that: '[A] QC accuses NGN of "deliberately destroying" PCs of eight journalists accused in the phone-hacking row.' Ravi Somaiya, a London-based reporter for the New York Times, added: 'One claimant settled-with tells me his legal costs are two hundred thousand pounds. There are sixty hacking cases pending. Again, ouch for News International.'

Jude Law has expressed relief that, now legal proceedings that resulted in him receiving one hundred and thirty thousand mucho wonga plus costs had concluded, he could finally 'speak out' about the impact phone hacking had on his life. 'Over a number of years, the News of the World conducted an illegal campaign of hacking and surveillance against me,' the actor said in a statement read out in court by his lawyer, Mark Thomson. In 2011, Law said that he decided to bring legal proceedings against the group to 'try to find out the truth. Today, in court, it has been announced that those proceedings have been completely successful,' he said. 'I have been unable to make any statement until now about phone-hacking because of those proceedings. Now they are at an end, I can finally speak out about what went on.' Law described how, for several years leading up to 2006, he was suspicious about how information concerning his private life was coming out in the press. He changed his phones and had his house swept for electronic bugs. 'But, still the information kept being published,' he said. 'I started to become distrustful of people close to me.' When the source of the stories – and the full scale of the invasions into his life, and those of his family and friends – became clear, he said that he was deeply shocked. 'I was truly appalled by what I was shown by the police and by what my lawyers have discovered,' he said. 'It is clear that I, along with many others, was kept under constant surveillance for a number of years. No aspect of my private life was safe from intrusion by News Group newspapers, including the lives of my children and the people who work for me. It was not just that my phone messages were listened to: News Group also paid people to watch me and my house for days at a time and to follow me and those close to me both in this country and abroad.' Including, Law claimed, in his statement whilst he was at JFK airport in New York making this, technically, an offence under US law as well as in the UK. Law said that he had achieved everything he wanted from this litigation. 'I hope this means that they will never invade my privacy again. They have also finally given a proper apology,' he said. The actor made it clear that the case, for him, was never about money. Although, he certainly wasn't going to turn his nose up at one hundred and thirty big ones, and rightly so. 'It was about standing up for myself and finding out what had happened,' he said. 'I owed it to my friends and family as well as myself to do this.' Law emphasised that he continues to believe in a free press. 'But,' he added, 'what News Group did was an abuse of its freedoms. They have overstepped the mark for many years. They were prepared to do anything to sell their newspapers and to make money, irrespective of the impact it had on people's lives. It was not just those like me, whose work involved them being in the public eye, but also many other people, often at the most vulnerable times of their lives. It is now up to the police and the Leveson inquiry to continue their investigations into tabloid abuses.' Rumours that the apology he received began with the words 'Hey Jude, don't take it bad,' cannot, at this time, be confirmed or denied.

Neville Thurlbeck, the former chief reporter at the Scum of the World has written on his blog that he is 'aware' of News International executives 'who witnessed practices which would send the share price crashing through the floor.' Thurlbeck wrote: 'The most damaging allegation to emerge against News International today was that its directors took part in an orchestrated cover-up of criminal wrong-doing and sought to destroy incriminating evidence. Much more evidence against News International will come in the future. I worked there from 1988 onwards and I am aware of executives who witnessed practices which would send the share price crashing through the floor. I expect much of this to come out in industrial tribunals and high court actions by former members of staff. But it is the irrevocable loss of trust which could sink it.'

The editor of celebrity magazine OK! has denied to the Leveson inquiry that a recent front page about the Duchess of Cambridge 'crossed a barrier.' Appearing before Lord Justice Leveson on Wednesday, Lisa Byrne denied that a front page in January about Kate Middleton's thirtieth birthday celebrations misled readers. The editors of two other leading celebrity magazines – Heat and Hello! – and four regional newspaper editors also gave evidence to the inquiry on Wednesday. The cover Byrne was asked about featured a strapline stating Catherine's royal birthday – the intimate party, gifts, star guests and delicious menu. It also featured a box saying: 'My husband is my soulmate – world exclusive interview and pictures.' Carine Patry Hoskins, counsel to the inquiry, asked if these words were misleading because they suggested the magazine had an 'exclusive' interview. In fact, the words 'My husband is my soulmate' referred to another story entirely. Byrne denied this, saying the two headlines of the different stories were not very close together on the front page. 'If I was going to be misleading I would have pushed it up. Some people might see that it could be misleading. There was nowhere else to put that box.' She added that there was speculation at the time that Prince Harry and Pippa Middleton were organising 'this ridiculous party' and 'we spoke to the palace who said it was going to be a real intimate occasion and all it did was put a piece together exploring what they bought each other in the past, what was their favourite food.' Patry Hoskins said the words 'guests and delicious menu' next to the headline about the birthday created the impression that the story had details about the Duchess's birthday plans. Byrne replied: 'It's just discussing what they like as a couple. There's loads of detail. All magazines have to an extent sell their publication and not cross a barrier. I felt that had not crossed a barrier. If we had, we would have said "world exclusive" and we haven't done that.' Earlier, Byrne told the inquiry that she understood how some OK! readers might have been 'upset' by a front-page headline about the wedding of Wayne and Coleen Rooney in 2008. The Press Complaints Commission ruled against the magazine after a coverline referred to the 'star-studded' wedding, but inside there was merely a full-page advert for coverage of the event the following week. Byrne was on maternity leave at the time, but she said that if the magazine had pictures of the wedding, it would have put them on the cover. 'I have to sell the magazine and make sure that whatever is on the front page is [accurate]. Accuracy is very important,' Byrne said. The Heat editor, Lucie Cave, said that the magazine made a 'grave mistake' in 2007, before she took over running the title, when it published a sticker mocking the disabled son of glamour model and reality TV star Katie Price, who made a complaint to the PCC. 'All I can say is that this was a grave mistake,' she said. 'Everybody who worked at the magazine and who works at the magazine did everything they could to apologise. I don't think it is justifiable. Everybody who worked at the magazine was mortified by that mistake.' Except, presumably, for the people who made it and the editor who passed it and the publisher who counted all of the taking for that particular issue, of course. Or, were they all merely 'mortified' that Price - someone not known to be shy of publicity and a close working relationship with magazines such as Heat - complained about it? Perhaps, we'll never care. Heat paid a donation to a charity and printed an apology to Price after the sticker was published in November 2007. The editors were also questioned on their use of photographs from paparazzi agencies. Cave was challenged over pictures published by Heat published a picture of X Factor creator Simon Cowell on a private yacht. The magazine did not check with Cowell before publication. She said: 'We know from working with him he kind of enjoys the lifestyle that goes with his celebrity. We took the decision he is clearly playing up to the paparazzi. In this instance, and the tone of the piece, he would not have a problem with that picture.' Hello!'s Rosie Nixon admitted that the claim that the magazine had a 'rare interview' with author JK Rowling in 2001 was 'clearly misleading.' Nixon was questioned about an interview with the Harry Potter author, seven years before she was made editor. Rowling told the inquiry last year that the article claimed to be 'a rare and exclusive interview' but 'what they had done was taken that article from a different paper and repackaged it.' She claimed the piece was used to justify further articles about her private life. Nixon said the quotes in fact came from a Q&A session with a group of children arranged by Comic Relief. She admitted that the packaging of the story as a 'rare and exclusive' interview was 'clearly misleading.' She said the magazine now treats the term 'exclusive' seriously and there are processes in place to ensure the mistake is not repeated. Leveson also heard on Wednesday from four regional newspaper editors, who described how tough the business had become commercially in recent years. Spencer Feeney, editor of the South Wales Evening Post, said that the general view was that advertising revenues in the past five years had 'about halved.' John McLellan, editor of the Scotsman said: 'The big categories that have taken the steepest fall, recruitment, property and motors have taken the most flak, in particular recruitment which was the mainstay of the regional press, which it is fair to say has all but disappeared.' Leveson has repeatedly expressed concern about the future of regional and local papers, saying they perform a valuable service for communities, reporting from courts, on local councils and public sector bodies such as health authorities.

Now, yer actual Keith Telly Topping is a lad of considerable girth, dear blog reader, he's never hid that fact. And, by and large, he doesn't do 'wobble bottom' jokes. But he simply has to fill you in on a conversation he overheard in the local chippy on Thursday lunchtime. Large lass: 'Can I have sausage and chips, and pie and chips, and curry and chips, and chips, please?' Lad on the counter: 'Sausage and chips, and pie and chips, and curry and chips, and chips?' Lass: 'Aye. Oh, and fried onion ring. And another battered sausage.' Lad: 'That it?' Lass: 'Yeah. Oh, and plenty of batter on the sausage and chips, and pie and chips, and curry and chips, and chips.' Lad: 'Do you want salt and vinegar on your sausage and chips, and pie and chips, and curry and chips, and chips?' Lass: 'Just salt. Loads of salt. But no vinegar. It ruins the taste. I hate vinegar, me.' Lad: 'Do you want any drinks with that?' Lass: 'Aye, give me a coke. No, better make it a diet coke, I'm watching me figure!' True story.

Liverpool's centre forward Andy Carroll has revealed that he wears a T-shirt under his red top with a message on it for whenever he scores. Rumours that it reads 'Save the Chilean Miners' cannot, at this time, be confirmed or denied. I heard it was 'Ruth Ellis is Innocent' personally.

Keith Telly Topping's latest 45 of the Day is another trip into yer actual Fabsville (near Funky Town, just outside Grooveumbria). Roll up, roll up, you peasants. The party is about to begin. (Please bring your own narcotics, this is a family blog.)

And, as an extra special bonus, here's one for Foxy Coxy's massive fanclub. (Although, actually, I'm not sure he's playing on this one - and he's definitely not on this Top of the Pops performance. But, it's much better than their other two big hits!)

What Do You Want To Be?

2012-01-19T09:03:00.003Z

Steven Moffat has promised that Sherlock fans will not have 'that long' to wait for a third series of the hugely popular drama. The writer told the Radio Times that he plans to 'starve' and 'tease' viewers in the run-up to future episodes. 'Get used to a bit of starvation,' he said. 'We're making movies - those six films we've made could go in the cinema. You can't factory produce that - it's a different kind of show. So, when we're good and ready - it won't be that long - but when we're ready, you'll get the follow-up.' Moffat also confirmed that a third series of Sherlock was commissioned alongside the second run back in 2010. 'We knew we had this cliffhanger coming, we knew that we were doing The Final Problem, and we did not want people to know that [Holmes] survived,' he explained. 'We wanted to wind the audience up so that the final shot [of series two] would have the impact that it evidently did. We were commissioned for series two and series three at the same time, but we decided to keep it under wraps that day that series three was in the bag.'

Meanwhile, CBS is reported to have picked up a new detective drama pilot, described as 'a modern-day take on Sherlock Holmes.' Hmm ... that sounds remarkably original. Elementary will transport Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's detective to present-day New York, according to Deadline. The project has been devised and written by Medium writer Rob Doherty, who will also executive produce alongside Justified's Sarah Timberman and Carl Beverly. Elementary was first announced in September, when BBC producer Sue Vertue used Twitter to remark on the similarity between this project and something which she, herself, works on. She wrote: 'Interesting CBS, I'm surprised no one has thought of making a modern day version of Sherlock before. Oh hang on, we have!'

On the subject of his other show, Moffat has admitted that he is excited about plans for the fiftieth anniversary of Doctor Who. The BBC's long-running popular SF family drama was first broadcast in 1963. A new series of 'at least fourteen' episodes is expected to debut in the autumn. 'There will never be a better time, I promise you,' Moffat told the Radio Times. 'I'm saying this as a Doctor Who fan myself, and knowing a certain amount about what's coming.' He continued: 'For so many reasons I can't talk about yet, there will never be a better time to be a Doctor Who fan, I absolutely promise that.' The showrunner previously insisted that he has 'huge' and 'extensive' plans for the anniversary year.

The second episode of the new series of MasterChef gave viewers another eight sacrificial victims (sorry, 'hopefuls') to get all excited - and prejudiced - about. During the opening moments one of them, a blonde lady called Lex, confessed that she can get 'quite fiercely competative' which, she continued, can sometimes lead to her getting a bit ... then she made a sort of 'grrr!' sound. Christ almighty, she was annoying. 'I really hope she goes out, quickly' this blogger thought. Which, as it happened she did. Eventually. Wrong, I know but, what can I say, I'm a licence fee payer, dear blog reader. I pay their wages. The invention test again kicked-off the episode - seventy minutes to prepare one plate of food from a selection of lovely-looking ingredients on display. Lex, as it happens, was first up. Described by India Fisher on voice-over as 'Brighton mum, Lex' but, on the on-screen caption as having the profession of 'charity development.' Eh? Oh ... one of those 'that's not a real job' type jobs. Gotcha. Lex said she was going to be cooking Salmon fish-cakes and salmon tart. Might've helped if she'd actually picked salmon instead of sea trout in that case. (To be fair, though, she wasn't the only contestant to make exactly that mistake.) She twisted her face in a pouty fashion when Gregg and John both said they didn't like the tart but she got through to the next round anyway. So did Charlie, in his Spiritualized T-shirt who said he had 'no fear' and cooked a nice-looking chicken Kiev, and Ashvy, who did roast sea trout with parsley and mint salsa verde which the judges found 'intriguing.' Supply teacher Emma also made it through - cooking roast pigeon with raspberry sauce and a bubble and squeak. Wallace thought this was so good that, after she'd left the room, he picked up the pigeon in his bare hands and attacked it like a begger receiving alms! You greedy starver, Gregory.

The other four contestants were a strange bunch, frankly. There was Afsaneh, who made a Middle Eastern-influenced stuffed breast of chicken with pine nuts and citrus and apple sauce. The judges liked some of it although John said he found the sauce 'a little stick sticky and a little bit messy.' In desperation at seeing her dreams in danger of flying off out of the window, Afsaneh wittered on for a while about having to 'follow her passion.' As she left, Gregg noted that unfortunately, her passion didn't resemble anything she'd given them on the plate. Luckily, perhaps, she did get through. And, then she's blossomed. Also getting through was Matthew from Norfolk who made rabbit legs with pigeon breast. He was, Gregg considered, 'the boldest cook in the room' but his dish 'didn't quite work' and he had 'well and truly under-delivered.' Ejected were Sanjay who began strongly with a statement that good food should be 'like music that takes you to a state of euphoria.' Amen, brother. Unfortunately his dish, sea trout (again, not salmon as he'd thought) with fennel, quails egg and sliced tomatoes was 'a game of two halves' and, simply, too weird for John and Gregg. More Herman's Hermits than The Beatles, if you like. Pity, he seemed a very amiable chap and when asked if he had anything to add after underwhelming the judges said, hopefully, 'I'd put me through!' Tordoe and Wallace begged to differ. Rachel also went, despite having talked a good game earlier on. Her pork lion stuffed with apple and dates was dry and lacking in sauce according to John. 'Next time, I'll be better,' she said. Sadly for her, there wasn't to be a next time. The remaining six then went off to two top London restaurants - the Imli and the Prism - for a day of sweat, stress and - in the case of Lex, Matthew and Ashvy at least - lots of mistakes. I'm really not sure about having the professional kitchen section this early in the competition. Tuesday night's was madly entertaining for the astonishing rudeness of that berk from the Gilgemesh but Wednesday's just felt like fifteen minutes of padding between the good stuff either side. This blogger actually flicked over to Stargazing Live for a bit. But, Josh Bishop was on, so I soon came back to MasterChef. Star of the second round was undoubtedly Afsaneh whose trio of deserts, including saffron and cardamom ice cream and a fig fritter blew both judges away the mostest, baby. Having used various awkward Persian puns when imagining how good it might be ('magic carpet ride' and all that) what they got was truly jaw-dropping. 'That looks stunning,' said John Tordoe, never a man to use an adjective like that when 'adequate' will do! 'If that tastes as good as it looks I might just kiss you.' Afsaneh looked as though she be quite prepared for that eventuality. Gregg was equally impressed (although, he didn't mention any proposed kissing). As Afsaneh staggered away about to have an emotional outburst, the best comedy double act currently on TV provided the perfect understated punchline ('she did all right!', 'yeah, not bad!') Afsaneh apart, however, the other five were much-of-a-muchness and, in the end, you sensed John and Gregg had put through the trio they did on the strength of their first round more than their second. Charlie was the most adventurous, cooking lion of venison with leek and ginger mash, parsnips, haggis and venison bon bons and a red wine jeu. John liked it, even if he did consider it 'slightly bonkers.' This time, unusually, it was Gregg who was a bit sniffy. But, Charlie made it, as did Ashvy who produced 'a meat lovers tasting platter' (pork kebabs, mango lamb chops and chicken tikka with mint chutney). Gregg said he was 'looking forward to the meat-fest' (ho-hum) and pulled some interesting faces when he tasted the chicken tikka and liked it. John was more restrained in the facial department. The last place went to Matthew who, I have to say, can probably consider himself a bit luckily. His dish included loads of lovely stuff that this blogger would've happily scoffed till the cows come home (lobster linguine with tarragon sauce, scallops tartar and prawns in garlic butter). But, there appeared to be a bit too much going on. 'You're trying too hard,' said John before actually seeming, for once, to get properly angry. 'I know you've got a work ethic but this is just wrong.' Then he, too, did the 'grrr' sound. Just like Lex only far scarier. 'Hopefully, it won't cost me,' Matthew bleated though you sensed it would. In the end, however, he got through at the expense of Emma and Lex. The former had a nightmare, cooking a peach and pecan tart with raspberry and apple ice cream. 'Pretty much every element could go wrong' she confessed. And one of them did, and did big style. The tart didn't set and the pastry was, John considered just plain 'nasty.' 'It seems to be falling apart,' Gregg noted. Whether he was talking about the tart or Emma's chances, it was hard to say. The undercooked pastry made it, John added, 'nothing short of a disaster.' The waterwork, inevitably, came from Emma at that point although she tried her best to remain perky and hopeful - against all reason - that she might just have squeaked through. She didn't. And, neither did competitive-to-the-point-of-grrrr! Lex whose 'twist' on lemon curd and cream cake involved lime and cardamom sponge and a ginger biscuit. 'A mixed bag,' announced Gregg at which point Lex produced a face like a smacked arse. 'Too many errors,' added Gregg. So, on Thursday we have the final episode of the opening stages. The end of the beginning, as it were. Next week, the competition proper starts.

The public push initiated on BBC2's Stargazing Live series to find planets beyond our Solar System appears to have had an immediate result. A viewer who answered the call has helped spot a world that appears to be circling a star dubbed SPH10066540. The planet is described as being similar in size to Neptune and circles its parent sun every ninety days. Chris Holmes from Peterborough found it by looking through time-lapsed images of stars on Planethunters.org. The website hosts data gathered by NASA's Kepler space telescope, and asks volunteers to sift the information for anything unusual that might have been missed in a computer search. 'I've never had a telescope. I've had a passing interest in where things are in the sky, but never had any more knowledge about it than that,' Holmes told BBC News. 'Being involved in a project like this and actually being the one to find something is a very exciting position.' Chris Lintott from Oxford University who helps organise Planethunters.org and co-presents The Sky At Night added: 'We're ecstatic. We've been groaning under the strain of all these people who want to help us, which is exactly how it should be.' The public participation project was launched last year, but it got a huge fillip when it was featured in the popular Stargazing series' return to BBC2 on Monday.

Volunteers have tripled to more than one hundred thousand people, and the number of images inspected has now reached a million. The new planet candidate's status will need more checking, but it looks strong, said Lintott. 'It would be our fifth detection since we started and our first British one as well,' he added. The Kepler space telescope, launched in 2009, has been searching a part of space thought to have many stars similar to our own Sun. It looks for the periodic dip in light that results every time a planet passes in front of one of those stars. These so-called transits have to be observed several times before a planet will be confirmed. For the orange dwarf star SPH10066540, five such events have now been seen in the Kepler data. Holmes found a pass; the Planethunters team then looked deeper into the Kepler archive and found it had made other transits before and after at approximately ninety day intervals. The candidate has a radius about 3.8 times that of Earth, and orbits its parent star at a distance of fifty five million kilometres - a separation similar to that between Mercury and our Sun. This means the planet is probably too hot (and too big) to support life. 'Kepler is trying to answer the question: "how many planets are there in our Milky Way Galaxy?"' explained Lintott. 'Now, you can build an algorithm to search through the data but the chances are it will have some systematics - it may be missing some things. Planethunters is the ultimate check. If the computers don't find the planets, the humans will; and it helps us to be sure that we're getting a true picture of the planet population in the Milky Way.'

Top Gear hosts Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May attracted an audience this week as they filmed for the new series of the BBC show. Driving what appeared to be customised mobility scooters, a crowd formed to watch the trio race against each other in Abergavenny in South Wales. Expect some slime-bucket waste-of-oxygen at the Gruniad Morning Star to write a pre-emptive story gleefully detailing someone complaining that they are, in some way, 'insulting' disabled people (or the Welsh, or indeed both) very soon.

What's the longest word you can make from the letters RAEPKWAEN? Straightfaced Countdown host Nick Hewer stifled his blushes after a contestant offered 'wanker' on the pre-recorded Channel Four afternoon show. Hewer stifled a smile on Wednesday's show after contestant Mark successfully spelled out the word, which was bleeped out, and was making its fourth appearance on the long-running Channel Four daytime show twenty one years after it was first aired. Mark hid his laughter as he told Hewer he had a six-letter word, followed by a short bleep and laughter from the studio audience. 'Right, and, um, Nick?' said Hewer, quickly. Susie Dent, in dictionary corner, dutifully confirmed that the word 'wanker' is, indeed, in the dictionary and Mark was awarded the six points. 'Jolly good,' mused Hewer, who took over as host of the show earlier this month. A Channel Four spokeswoman confirmed that 'wanker' is a valid word on the show, as it is classed as 'vulgar slang' and not a swear word, per se. It means, just in case you didn't know, a masturbator or, figuratively, a very silly person. it first appeared, in print at any rate, around 1972 according to the Oxford Dictionary of Slang. 'Wanker' first popped up on the evergreen quiz show, which has been on air since Channel Four launched in 1982, more than two decades ago, when then-host Richard Whitely squirm with embarrassment saying 'it'll be interesting to see if that's in the dictionary' when both players offered the plural version 'wankers.' It was. Christine Hamilton fell victim to the word when she was a dictionary corner guest in 2003 and it also made an appearance while Des O'Conner was at the helm in 2008. Hamilton joked at the time: 'I wouldn't have thought it was in the dictionary but it is in there and we all know what it means so I think we'd better move on.' Loyal fans of Countdown will note that words including 'piss' and 'fart' have all been used – but Channel Four pointed out that they rarely scoop the points. Well no, they wouldn't, they're only four letter words. Infamously, Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie sent up Countdown's problem with naughty words in an episode of A Bit of Fry and Laurie.

It was intended as a raucous, beer-soaked celebration of the start of the latest series of one of Brazil's most popular TV programmes. Fuelled by alcohol and accompanied by live music from one of Rio de Janeiro's top samba schools, this was the opening party for the twelfth season of Big Brother Brazil, the Endemol-produced reality show. But police in Rio on Tuesday confirmed they were investigating a suspected rape which allegedly took place in the Big Brother House after the party last Saturday. According to reports in the O Dia newspaper, a team of police officers went to the TV studio where the programme is filmed to question the alleged suspect, Daniel Echaniz, a thirty one year-old male model, and the alleged victim, twenty three-year-old Monique Amin. A seven-minute video of the alleged rape – shot by the Brazilian broadcaster TV Globo using a night vision camera – has subsequently been posted on YouTube, although the channel has taken steps to remove it, claiming copyright violation. And, you know, taste violation as well. 'We already have the video and we will analyse the images,' police chief Antônio Ricardo said. 'The fact is serious and needs to be investigated.' The alleged rape of Amin, a student from Porto Alegre in southern Brazil, triggered outrage on social media and among women's rights activists and celebrities. On Monday, Brazil's minister for women's policies, Iriny Lopes, asked Rio's public prosecutor to accompany the case. But speaking on the programme on Sunday, Amin claimed she could not remember the incident. 'We kissed, I remember one kiss, he said there were two. We touched each other and really this is all I remember,' she said. 'Sex?' she added. 'No. Only if he was a real scumbag and did it while I was sleeping.' On Sunday Echaniz was expelled from the programme by Globo executives. In a statement, the show's host, Pedro Bial, said: 'Big Brother has examined Daniel's behaviour without jumping the gun and with the utmost care. We have analysed the images which show an infraction of the programme's rules. The programme's directors believe that the contestant's behaviour on the night of the party was seriously inadequate.' In an interview with the Brazilian media, Big Brother's director, José Bonifácio Brasil de Oliveira, denied there had been a rape but admitted Echaniz had 'overstepped the mark.' That did little to dampen calls for a police investigation. Speaking to Brazil's Veja news magazine, Geórgia Bello, a legal representative of the Commission for the Defence of Women's Rights at Rio's state parliament, said: 'The girl was visibly inebriated and in a vulnerable state. Of course this is rape. From his movements in the images, you can see that his hips are touching the young lady. She was not awake and this may characterise rape,' Bello said. On Tuesday morning Echaniz used his Twitter account to defend himself. 'People, if something happened this is my problem and no one else's.' Later that day Echaniz revisited the subject. 'Mum I am calm,' he wrote. 'Justice will be done. You don't need to get upset. I love you a lot.'

BBC2 detective comedy Vexed is to return for a second series. Toby Stephens will reprise his role as disorganised detective Jack Armstrong in a new six-part run. Former [spooks] star Miranda Raison will join the cast for series two as newly promoted DI Georgina Dixon, replacing Lucy Punch's Kate Bishop. 'We're very much looking forward to the return of Vexed,' said Chris Sussman, executive producer for the BBC. He continued: 'The second series promises to be just as much fun as the first, and with Miranda Raison joining Toby Stephens as new partner DI Dixon, we're hoping it's going to be all-guns blazing.' Holby City's Roger Griffiths and Survivors actor Ronny Jhutti will also return to the cast, with The Iron Lady's Nick Dunning joining the show as Georgina's father. Vexed is currently filming in Dublin.

Mongrels' Dan Tetsell has announced that the series has been axed. The puppet comedy, created by Adam Miller, began on BBC3 in 2010 and recently concluded its second run. Voice actor Tetsell - who plays idiotic cat Marion - broke the news of the show's cancellation on Twitter. 'If you were (like me) hoping Mongrels would get a third series, I've got some bad news' he wrote. When a fan enquired if he was being serious, Tetsell replied: 'Yeah, we've all been sacked now.' In August 2010, Tetsell also broke the news of Mongrels being picked up for a second series. The series was accused of plagiarism in the same year, with writer Brian West claiming that the show's format and characters were copied from his own project Pets.

Caroline Quentin has admitted that she regrets the majority of her acting choices. Speaking to the Gruniad, the Men Behaving Badly actress revealed that she was not impressed with her recent TV roles. Neither, seemingly, have most of the general public. Well, you know, don't just do it on our behalf, Caz. If you don't like it, stop doing it.

CSI showrunner Carol Mendelsohn has dropped new hints about Marg Helgenberger's forthcoming exit. Helgenberger will depart her role as Catherine Willows later this month, after almost twelve years on the CBS crime drama. 'As a woman, Catherine feels she's hit a glass ceiling at CSI,' Mendelsohn told TV Guide. 'It's something that's been weighing on her, and she sees a door to a new life.' She added that Catherine will be inspired to move on after working a case with an old friend (Annabeth Gish) who tries to help the FBI trap her criminal husband. 'These FBI agents shine a mirror on how good [Catherine] is at what she does,' revealed the executive producer. However, fellow executive producer Don McGill confirmed that Helgenberger is welcome to return to CSI in the future. 'It's not a "for always" goodbye,' he said. 'There's always an open door.' Helgenberger recently admitted that she 'felt the need to step back' from her CSI role. 'I had been playing this character for eleven and a half years,' she explained. 'I'm very excited about the great wide open, the future and all the possibilities.' Elisabeth Shue will replace Helgenberger as a series regular.

House's Greg Yaitanes has hinted that Lisa Edelstein could still return to the show. But, that she probably won't. So, it's not really a news story, in that case. The actress quit her role as Lisa Cuddy at the conclusion of the FOX medical drama's seventh season. Executive producer Yaitanes told TV Line that Edelstein will be asked back if the current eighth season of House proves to be the show's last. 'That is a conversation [we will have],' he confirmed. 'We would love to have her back.' However, Yaitanes then added that the future of House is still uncertain, with FOX entertainment president Kevin Reilly admitting at the recent TCA press tour that a final decision on a potential ninth season has yet to be made. 'If it's not the end, I don't think [a return for Cuddy will] happen,' said Yaitanes, which would make this entire conversation a colossal waste of time, energy and breath. 'But that's just my personal opinion.' Hugh Laurie has suggested that he may retire from acting once House ends, in favour of writing and directing.

Teri Polo has signed up for a guest role on Criminal Minds. The actress - who recently appeared in ABC's axed sitcom Man Up - will play an obsessive teacher on the CBS drama, according to TV Line. Jailed for molesting one of her students, Polo's character Miss Hallman is released from prison and becomes determined to track down her victim. Polo is perhaps best known for her role in 2000 comedy film Meet the Parents and its sequels. Her television credits include a stint on The West Wing (as Matt Santos's wife) and a supporting role on short-lived NBC series Law & Order: Los Angeles.

Warwick Davis has admitted that he would love to appear in Doctor Who. The Life's Too Short actor told the Radio Times that after the enormous flop of his recently completed sitcom, a part in the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama is his 'dream' role. 'Steven Moffat is somebody I want to talk to,' he said. Yeah, you and every other fanboy under the sun, matey. 'I love Sherlock and I would love to be in Doctor Who - it's been a dream of mine for many years.' He added: 'I don't want to play the Doctor, but a villain or something like that would be pretty good.'

The editor of Heat magazine has said that there is a 'public interest' in 'exposing' the actions of allegedly 'hypocritical' celebrities who claim to be role models. Appearing at the Leveson Inquiry into press ethics and standards, Lucie Cave admitted that there is a 'great difference between public interest and things that are interesting to the public.' However, she said that it was justified for magazines to expose a star 'who portrayed themselves as a real family person' but was having an affair. 'Obviously there is a great difference between public interest and things that are interesting to the public,' she said at the high court in London. 'There obviously can sometimes be a public interest argument if a celebrity who is a role model for our readers does something that contradicts how they portray themselves.' Carine Patry Hoskins, counsel to the inquiry, asked Cave to give an example of this, to which she said that it may be someone who 'earned money from having photoshoots with their children,' but then was 'found out to be having an extramarital affair.' However, she admitted that just because a celebrity was paid for a photoshoot or story in a magazine, this did not mean that it was 'open season' on any aspects of their private life. Cave gave a cautious welcome to the idea of a register being set up, most probably by the Press Complaints Commission, which would indicate the celebrities who wanted to remain private. She said that it may work, but only if it is regularly updated. 'It might be there's a moment in their life where they particularly don't want a photograph taken of them for whatever reason, but then at other times they might be happy to have a photograph taken,' said Cave. 'It would be a very useful tool for us if they used a body like the PCC to update them on their circumstances.'

Weather presenters could face jail if they give incorrect forecasts, it has been reported. The South African government has passed the legislation with the hope that forecasters will not cause unnecessary panic. Politicians have successfully argued that wrong predictions on drought and flash-flooding can lead to economic damage. Severe weather alerts will now only be issued by a presenter after receiving written permission from South Africa's Weather Service Bill first. First offenders of the new law could face a fine of up to four hundred thousand smackers and a maximum five-year prison sentence. For repeat offenders, a ten-year sentence and an eight hundred thousand notes fine would apply.

A fourth suspect has been arrested by detectives investigating allegations that Tottenham Hotshots spied on Olympic officials during its stadium bid. Police said a forty five-year-old man was being held at a south London station on suspicion of fraud after his property was searched. West Ham United and the Olympic Park Legacy Company allege that information was unlawfully obtained, the force said. Spurs have denied putting officials under surveillance. The club had lost out to West Ham in the race to become the Olympic Park Legacy Company's first choice to move into the stadium after the 2012 Games. A deal with West Ham and Newham Council to use the stadium in Stratford, East London, collapsed in October. The government announced that the stadium would instead remain in public ownership.

Costume designer Richard Bruno, who won a BAFTA in 1990 for his work on Martin Scorsese's Goodfellas, has died aged eighty seven, Variety reports. During a three-decade career, he worked on more than fifty films including Heaven Can Wait and The Untouchables. But it was Bruno's work on Scorsese movies including Raging Bull and on The Color of Money which gained him recognition. The Costume Designers Guild praised him as a 'remarkably gifted designer.' Bruno's Hollywood career began as a costume designer in 1965 for several low-budget movies before working on the 1973 Robert Redford and Barbra Streisand film The Way We Were and 1974's Chinatown, starring Jack Nicholson and directed by Roman Polanski. He first teamed up with Scorsese on 1977's New York, New York and went on to work with him for four more films until Goodfellas. Bruno's designs also proved influential when his deep-collared, steep-pointed shirts that he designed for Goodfellas started a trend in the US. He retired in the late 1990's, with horror sequel Species II his final film. 'Richard Bruno was a remarkably gifted designer especially in designing costumes for male characters,' said Mary Rose, president of the board for the Costume Designers Guild. 'Always a professional, he was well respected by the industry and will be greatly missed by all of us.' He is survived by two daughters.

A man has been arrested after reports of a racist comment directed at yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle United on Twitter. The tweet was made on the social networking site on Tuesday. Police began an investigation and the account that it came from was later deleted. Newcastle United issued a statement saying it was 'appalled' by the comments made in reference to the club and its players. A twenty nine-year-old man has been arrested and is currently in custody.

And so to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. Which, today, is fabulous. And, tuned to a natural E.